Title Contenders?

FECAL CLATTER
The youth movement is in full effect over at FC with Chris B. Young signing a 5-year deal and Stephen Drew and Howie Kendrick signing 3-year deals. Matt Cain also hammered out a 2-year deal. No surprise, FC signed longtime sweetheart Roger Clemens to a 1-year deal worth $5m. If there is one thing more certain than the sun rising in the East and setting in the West, it’s FC’s undying love for everything Roger.

In other news, there was a bit of grumbling from managers around the league concerning the recently released Commissioner’s Preview. For the 12th season in a row it listed FC as the favored title contender. As one rival GM noted on condition of anonymity, “He sho’ do love dem Zona boys. Dat sho’ could be somtin’ ugly. I ain’t hatin’, but rooks be shady. Pretty boys, no doubt, lotta fun too! But dey ain’t got the same s’perience in the boots knockin’.”

Another GM questioned the $15m FC has left on the table. “C’est absolutement fou. Qu’est que c’est ca? Ridicule. Why would he, eh, act like a, how do you say, petite marche when he has beaucoup d’argent?”

Only time will tell if FC is holding the younglings for trade bait or his priestly fetishes have gotten the best of him. NBC’s Dateline standby, we may have found your next predator.

THE LACEY UNDERALLS
Probably the scariest team on paper, LU has had a fairly quiet yet productive off-season. Team GM Mamma Jams has added solid young talent in Miggy Cabrera, veteran hurler Kelvim Escobar and the sandman Mariano Rivera. Like FC, LU has locked up the most promising talent on his roster for years to come with Hanley Ramirez signing a 5-year deal and Cabrera, Justin Morneau and Jonathan Papelbon penning 3-year deals.

However, as rival GM’s have pointed out LU has some serious injury risks. “How the [expletive] can you [expletive] trust [expletive] Kelvim [expletive] Escobar to finish a [expletive] season? What a [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] piece of [expletive] [expletive]! And don’t even [expletive] get me started on Freddy [expletive] Sanchez. That little [expletive] [expletive] can’t even play with a [expletive] [expletive] pinky [expletive] finger. I’ll show him the [expletive] DL. And ol’ [expletive] man Sheffy? Ha, what a [expletive]. Good luck with that pussy-willowed [expletive] [expletive] Hawpe too and toady [expletive] mcgee Fartolo [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] Colon.”

THE BANANA BELT
While Banana Belt is obviously a perennial title contender with his obscene talent and creative management there a considerable amount of question marks plaguing the team this season. Locking down RFK handicapped Zimmerman to 5-years shows BB is banking on the new stadium to boost his numbers in the not-so-distant future, but in the interim? Furthermore, with the signing Pedro Martinez and Francisco Liriano, BB might as well start his own Tommy John surgery clinic.

As one rival GM put it, “Seems like dat boy playin’ fo’ da future. He ain’t got nuttin’ gonna happen dis season, ‘less he make da moves. Sho’ got sum hurlas, but dem boys be iffy. Where da powa at? Piazza loves dem boys, he gonna be distracted in da Gay area. Mark my words. Do love dat Reyes-boy ‘doh.”