Monday, April 13, 2009

Tommy's .500 Thoughts - Part One


Three weeks into the season, and Tommy's team is a pathetic 27-27.

Mediocrity!! That's what I truly loathe.

The LOWV has been kicking ass these first few weeks. We've had brilliant performances, disappointments, and jail rapes of some unsuspecting teams.

And through it all, LM has been completely average.

Horseshit!! Eventually someone will have to pay for this crappy performance.

But for now, it's time to share my Thoughts.

SHOCKING VIDEO

It's clear from the comments that one GM may have unwisely released this clip...


One "djmelsa" praises the LOWV in a public message to youtube accompanying this video clip. Curious to say the least.

I'm pretty sure this video depicts the brutal training methods applied almost immediately after birth in the horrific Banana Belt youth academies deep in the heart of Japan.

Shame on you BB!!!!!

I intend to inform the UN about this outrage, as soon as I finish this column and have a snack.

ANTI-SALOON LEAGUE

If this division was a song right now, it would be "Locomotive Breath" by J. Tull. League giants and upstarts dueling in the dawn light.

This division hurtles towards a season of hard-fought battles and blood spilled all over the streets of Brooklyn, while rebellious hordes from outside make plans to storm the ramparts.

I really hope it comes to blows this year.

The first meeting of Lacey Underalls and Fecal Clatter in the division era, the top billing on the Week Two card, was a surprising smackdown.

I've rarely seen a statline as glistening as the one Lacey recorded in that matchup.

Taste it. I don't see a single untoward number on that row.

FC was in it all week, then folded up like an origami vagina on Sunday, whilst the rival GMs sat beside one another at a Sox game no less.

Now, if you think LU is going to rest on its laurels after defenestrating its hated foe, you are stupid. They are going to sharpen those laurels into tiny daggers and pepper the league with blowgun blasts. Because they are that goddam persistent.

One of the reason why league GMs literally beg me to write this column is that nobody cultivates league sources like I do. I'm using those sources to get some insight into the machinations of the dastardly LU. One of my most trusted sources tells me LU management recently reached out to his team to propose a trade. The other team would give up its longtime franchise player and a useful utilityman, while LU would offer a first baseman and Bandy Johnson. Now, my source could not recall if the first baseman offered was Miggy Cabrera or Carlos Delgado, only that he was "foreign." Since this is a pretty significant difference, it's tough to evaluate the offer. What we do know is that the other team's counteroffer, which did not include the franchise player, was outright ignored by LU.

Don't waste LU's time with bullshit offers, serve up champions or just leave him alone.

This division also features two LOWV GMs sharing one floor of a Brooklyn house. Poor Man's Fart is matching LU step for step and has had one of the strongest starts in the league. FC suffered the aforementioned asskicking from LU and now sits eleven and one-half games out of first in the division.

PMF has had a rollercoaster season, all right. Opening up by walloping its collegial rival Banana Belt, this team made clear that its emphasis on excellent pitching had not eroded. This team has racked up many wins through its consistent, deep pitching across almost all categories.

I'm told the secret is the music the pitchers groove to in the bullpen before every game:





The offense has scored very few runs, by far the least in the league, and it embarrassed the team in its 12-7 defeat at the hands of Vicious Rumors, failing to capture more than one category. The bats must deliver at some point for this team. Beating up a slow-starting BB and a defenseless Flash is one thing, but PMF is still looking for that franchise-defining moment that will ignite a dynasty.

In the meantime, a game back of the red-hot LU will serve PMF quite nicely.

Are Fecal Clatter fans hitting the panic button yet? This is a premature ejaculation if I've ever had one, but the Scotty Scotty Bake Bake trade looks like a stinky boother bathe right now.

I saw it, I was there. The morning of Sunday, April 12, and FC has a gigantic 12-5 lead over LM. In every facet of the game, FC has been the superior team. What happened that fateful Sunday? LM showed up with a big hitting day and a CG SO from Aaron Harang. FC's frontrunning offense flamed out like Roberto Alomar. Game by game, LM crept back into the match...in an annual tradition, Tommy's boys pooped in the FC Sunday afternoon chili. When Carlos Marmol whiffed Corey Hart in the 8th inning of the night game to tie the match, flipping two categories, what once seemed like a defining overture turned into an intestine-bound gas bubble for the Fecal ones.

The funny thing was, FC was still a better team than LM that week. But this league doesn't reward overall bestness, it's all about the categories son!!

The next week, the most pathetic face ever made while checking fantasy scores on a Blackberry was glimpsed upon the visage of FC as the scores from his last day against LU came in...

If it weren't for the pedestrian victory over upstart Bonomatory Influence last week, this team would be digging itself quite a hole.

For the record, I still strongly tally FC as one of the top six teams in the league...righting this poop ship destroyer will lead to browner seas. And I mean that in the best possible way.

While we're on the subject of Bonomatory Influence, no team has exceeded expectations like that team so far. BI's early surge is putting hope in the hearts of its fans from the Presidential Range to the Rocky Mountains. Two solid wins and a respectable defeat to a playoff team is an excellent start for the BI squadron.

The Influence's pitching staff features a number of quality arms, and his lineup includes many guys I love to watch play the game. You gotta love scrappers like Jayson Werth, the heretofore-proficient hitting of Placido Polanco, the promise of Ian Stewart, and the electrifying start of Emilio Bonifacio. Would you rather have your young starters or BI's stable, which includes Bumgarner, Scherzer, Galarraga, Floyd, Volstad, Cueto, and Broxton?

But there's one problem for this team: a core of elite hitters just doesn't seem to be there yet. That's why I still need to see more from BI to declare this launch successful.

Time to call out Banana Belt shortstop Jose Reyes, who promised to steal home in honor of Jackie Robinson, but has pussied out so far.

This item was brought to my attention by ERdR sources, who mocked Reyes for failing to accomplish the feat before their young outfielder, Jacoby Ellsbury, swiped home with a straight steal on the big stage against the Yankees.

Hopefully, ERdR will ramp up the mockery on Reyes until their only matchup in June, at which point Reyes steals home four times in a day and ERdR becomes just the latest victim of the "Talking shit on BB jinx." I guess I am destined to be a victim too, because I am here to say that David Murphy has played himself out of a roster spot. His 1 for 25 funk has mired him on the Rangers bench and completely unplayable for BB.

Not that this has much fazed the league's perennial champ, who took a significant thumpin' from PMF in stride, then rebounded with wins over Flash and unB. BB's all-squinty-eyed outfield and proliferation of devastating aces get the job done against second-tier competition every time. This team would love to lay back in 8th place overall until late July, and then charge like a Pamplona bull down the homestretch for an unprecedented, opium scented, dark tinted fourth title. I, for one, would not be surprised to see that happen.

Mired in sixth place in the division, we have the Flash...

One thing this team has going for it is the best player in all the realms of man.

God knows I love Chase Utley like a son. His stout and devout leadership of LM has led us through many a tempestuous campaign. Well, two tempestuous campaigns, but I've shed a sea of neurotic sweat beads in that short interim. But if I was picking a team from scratch, I would ditch Chase Utts and go right after Albert Pujols with the first overall pick. His offensive game is simply a joy to behold. Watching him play is like watching the baby Jesus frolic with an adorable puppy on a puffy cloud.

Unfortunately, this magnificent player isn't enough to ensure victory, and Flash's prowess is failing him in the early going. With his oft-injured pitching staff serving up dingers at an alarming rate, Flash is locking down saves and not much else in a series of defeats. Averaging 6 points through three weeks is a troubling sign for this team, but history shows that early returns are very misleading.

Flash's major trade bargaining chip - his pitching depth - has been splintered by the plague of injures that have hit his staff. Still, I can see a deal going down before season's end that might help Flash get some lineup protection for Pujols while shipping out a solid SP or two. Get on it, league GMs!

In the basement of the American Sign Language tardzone is the perennial disappointment, unBeleaguerable.

The following video clip is a Tommy's Thoughts exclusive. We're publishing it in hopes of resuscitating a franchise so full of promise three short weeks ago. One desperate, typical unB fan in Slidell, LA tried to inspire his favorite team by recording this anthem of gaiety and hope:


Gimme something to believe in, unB, that's all the fans are asking for and that all I am asking for too. With so many players mailing in subpar performances, especially impulse buys Billy Butler and Matt Lindstrom, unB has suffered three thorough whippings. Three of the four top teams in the ASL got there by pillaging unB. What happened to the team that had some GMs freaked out 'round draft day?

Early on the team's leadership was upbeat, but I'm not sure how long that attitude will last. Years of losing may be inspiring bold action. Even franchise cornerstone Justin Upton has not been immune from whispered criticism. Outside of Yonder Alonso, his farm team is a series of question marks (I know people jizz in their pants over Tim Beckham, but I'll believe it when I see him hit big league pitching).

Thirty-three dongs yielded is a sour tiding for the unBeleguerable forces. A few timely additions would shore up a fairly solid pitching staff, but they have to keep the ball in the yard.

As for the offense, I suggest you light a fire under those young men by cutting a few of them, to teach 'em a lesson, ya know? Maybe Longoria, to show that nobody is untouchable? Think on it.

Whew, one division comprehensively dissected and dissed. Time for an inspirational video.



In part two of this column, to be published imminently, my Thoughts on the clearly superior Christian Temperance U, and the story of how I hypnotized my SPs to make them awesome.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Commissioner's Predictions 2009

Fast and dirty and quick to fall back on a tired cliché – just like how I bone – here are this year’s predictions in haiku:

CHRISTIAN TEMPERANCE UNION
1. Lasorda’s Manicotti
Ridiculously skilled infield
Slowey third in Cy Young vote
Dejesus stoic

2. Vicious Rumors
Youth ripe and transcendent
Wieters huffing Kryptonite
Olsen drowns sorrows

3. Equipe Roi du Radeau
Upside, reliable
Webb, Haren, pray for bombko
Who’s on first? Who’s not?

4. D’Lucious Bitch Pies
Stellar lineup skillz
Fontenot Dinger! Bomb! Dong!
Kazmir, Z break down

5. Mothership
Still loves guys named Jones
Josh Ham loses at the track
Luis Ayala

6. El Guapo
Embraces the hate
Loyalty to Sheets deadly
Is A-Rod dead weight?

7. Snaturals
Lineup still no joke
However, the same cannot
Be said about staff

ANTI-SALOON LEAGUE
1. Banana Belt
Fool me once, you shame
Fool me twice, shame is on me
Fool me five times? Nope

2. Lacey Underalls
Pitching wins titles?
Or kickass depth in lineup?
Or MVP Migs?

3. Fecal Clatter
Staff is in tatters
Best bats in club history
Life of the party

4. Poor Man’s Fart
Decimated arms
Nearly flawless at the plate
Smoltz could win the league

5. unBeleagurable
Knew when to rebuild
Ominous threat emerges
It won’t be long now

6. Flash
Pujols and savesmen
These are things Flash embraces
Quietly strong staff

7. Bonomatory Influence
Youth movement now launched
This may not be Inflie’s year
But hope merited

Shortpants XXXVI - Photoshop Is For Pussies


Shortpants Opening Day Spectacular arrives! BB, PMF and FC join Mike for an in-depth and provocative tour through the opening day rosters of the LOWV. Every team is analyzed, ridiculed and celebrated, things start informative and get increasingly outrageous, and nobody barfs.

Shortpants and Opening Day. Does it get any better? Nope. The answer is nope.

Shortpants XXXVI

Tommy's Preseason Thoughts, Part Two


“My style is odd, like a gift from God. That's why I'm on more microphones than Ahmad Rashad.”
Tash, "Bermuda Triangle"

Opening day!!

I am excited to watch the Atlanta Braves play the Philadelphia Phillies this fine evening. I hope for an old fashioned slugfest, although in April we'll undoubtedly see the pitchers have the upper hand.

I'm told the Commissioner will be releasing his predictions any moment now, and there is a new Shortpants on the way as well. LOWV media is in high gear for this happiest of occasions.

As I wait in eagerness for the game to begin, here are my thoughts on the senior circuit.

I hate to put it that way, but when one division has five founding members of the LOWV and the other has one, it's just the way it's gotta be...

Besides, Tommy is young at heart.

ANTI-SALOON LEAGUE

The most improved team in this division has to be unBeleaguerable.

Last year, this team finished 87 games behind the de facto defending division champs, Lacey Underalls. unB is looking to shake the designation of a basement-dweller with a breakout season.

2009 might not be that season. But then again, it might.

unB has a ton of young talent just waiting to explode onto the scene. Check out this honor roll of blue chip prospects and young major league stars: Evan Longoria, Geovany Soto, The Brothers Upton, Jim Shields, Cameron Maybin, Billy Butt, Jered Weaver, Tim Beckham, Yonder Alonso.

unB was very active in trades this winter. From this vantage point, he made off like a bandit while providing reasonable value in return to enable future deals. He did a great job scouting prospects; his top two picks in 2008 and 2009 were excellent.

Now the franchise needs to translate its managerial derring-do into actual wins, and reverse a tradition of losing that has consumed its hopes again and again.

The Flash appeared ready to make a deal and move some pitchers in the offseason. It was truly a sellers' market for pitchers, with many quality arms changing hands, often at a premium. The Flash was holding tons of excellent pitchers and could benefit from outfield help.

At one point, in the frenzy following the FC-unB deal that clearly demonstrated FC was looking for another pitching deal, The Flash took to the Googlewaves to announce that he was listening to any and all deals on his SPs. At this point, multiple teams were looking for a fit with the Flash's pitching staff.

Details of one negotiation I learned about involved Flash offering to trade Roy Oswalt for one of a few top-quality outfielders who ply their trade in the Chicagoland area. My sources tell me that rumors of these trade demands leaked, and some teams decided to back off given an aversion for the high level deal Flash was looking to leverage. By mid-January, it seems, many teams were too attached to their top OFs to ship them out for an aging Astro.

Will the Flash still be looking to make a deal in 2009? It's a story to watch.

One thing I've noted is the Flash's propensity to take Junior League talent that can help him right away, and ceiling be damned. Since so many teams go in the other direction, he's been able to snag a good number of solid players that he can deploy immediately - Brett Gardner comes to mind. Along with his keen eye for cheap saves - he yoinked F. Rodney off the line midweek - this strategy will always keep Flash in the mix. But can this strategy yield the sublime?

For the first time in memory, a balanced roster takes the field for the opening Fart...

That's right, Poor Man's Fart is no longer all about pitching and now offers a potent offensive posse. Adding the punch of Carlos Lee to the PMF lineup helps the team move beyond the "four aces" philosophy that injuriously doomed so many seasons.

However, the failure of Elijah Dukes to gain a starting spot for the Nationals has to sting. Dukes has so much potential, but when you can't win a starting spot on that shit team, it really says something. PMF can slot Hunter Pence in right field and move on, but how long can you wait on a pine-riding Dukes?

I, for one, am not a fan of Dioner Navarro. As Dodger-drafted catchers go, he's pretty much a disappointment. Yo PMF, ever consider a spot of Taylor Tea? Something to consider for the future.

PMF also has love for the middle infield like you can't believe, and this has hurt him. The man's 2008 first round selection of Matt Antonelli probably still ranks as the biggest boner in the (admittedly short) Junior League annals. Gordon Beckham, on the other hand, is a stud. If he can stick at shortstop, or even 2B, he will be a beast. Beckham has power taboot and probably has the defensive chops to play MI in MLB. He also has makeup off the charts - the Air Force Academy wanted him to play QB - and thumped his way around the Cape Cod League.

Of all the moves PMF made in the offseason, the best was to slash his entire prospect list and start again with Gordon Beckham leading the way. He
just might be the most valuable fantasy player with the last name Beckham drafted in 2009.

Bonomatory Influence was only the latest team to acquire Tampa Bay outfielder BJ Upton and trade him away again.

BJ Upton is now on a three-year minimum-salary deal with a one-year extension option, under the control of unB. The origin of this contract was a late-season pickup by Lasorda's Manicotti in 2006, right around the time the keeper transition was being negotiated. That offseason, Upton, then a shortstop, was dealt to Lacey (trade #1) along with Jon Papelbon for Chase Utley. Last season, Upton was flipped along with Jon Broxton to BI (trade #2) for Carlos Lee, who promptly went down in the line of fire. Finally, Upton was shipped out of Boulder by BI (trade #3) after a mere month of service in a bid to acquire some legit young pitching talent, Cueto and G. Floyd. (The only surprise there was that no relief pitchers named Jon were included in the deal.)

All the while, he was on his original contract, which explains why this top talent only earns $4 for his services.

Even with four more seasons at piddling salary levels, Upton will be 28 years old when he hits arbitration or free agency after the 2012 season. Given the huge salary he's likely to command at that point, we just might see him traded a couple of more times before his original LOWV contract finally runs out.

That said, BI did himself a grave injustice by dispensing with BJ so lightly. I don't agree with his decision to trade Upton either. (rimshot)

Otherwise, I like Max Scherzer and Madison Bumgarner, and not much else here.

If you want to take a gander at a fine roster, why don't you click on over to the squadron of Lacey Underalls. The offense is tentpoled by Hanley, Miggy and Morneauy. Iannetta, Kemp and McLouth are universally beloved young talent. LU has long profited by taking chances on low profile young OFs, and for this season he's grabbed guys like Daniel Murphy and Shin-Soo Choo. Based on his track record, you have to expect at least one of them to hit.

All this is before you look at his pitchers, an experience akin to gawping into the void of your own mortality. Peavy, Halladay, F-Her, Bandy J, Mariano Skeletor, Papelbon, Billingsley...look out LOWV lineups.

This team should be pretty indestructible, given its amazing depth. This is important, because minor league help is a long, long way off. LU has taken the route of choosing very young players with enormous upside. It's all about value for this team. If guys like Angel Villalona and FernMart turn into bopping first basemen and five tooled OFs, LU will be the beneficiary of more amazing deals on top quality talent. So clearly we all need to root against these guys.

Lacey Underalls has to be the team most desperate for a taste of the trophy in the league. Most every season, LU is battling for the top spot, only to be shorn of its short hairs when the playoffs transpire. Will the last of the aughts hold a different fate for Lacey? Or will this team have to wait until the twentytweens to taste a title?

God damn it, I love story lines. And alliteration.

There's no doubt in my mind that the slyest team at the auction was our defending champion, the Banana Belt.

With lots of roster spots to fill and not a lot of money to do it with, BB had to find some impact players who could be had without much resistance. To pull this off, he hung around until the end of the auction, baiting his fellow GMs with opening bids for players he knew they'd covet. Then, once every other GM had filled his roster (save the absent Mothership), BB hit hard, giving a measly dollar for Shoppach, Samardjiza, John Baker and Rafael Soriano.

Now, one or two of these players might end up being worthless - the arbitration process made clear that a lot of teams hate on the Shark bigtime, and at deadline I learned he had just been sent to the minors - but Shopp for a dollar made this strategy a stellar one, even if the other three never even took the field for BB.

Kelly Shoppach was once a throw-in in a trade (for Coco Crisp) headlined by Andy Marte...and in the bizarro world of prospects reaching fruition, Marte is now for shit and Shoppach is one of the top hitting Cs in the league. He's still underrated in LOWV, and BB will prosper from that pickup. Count it, bitches!

Auction moves aside, BB yet again fields a solid lineup of totalbasemen, fireballing aces and Asians. His fortunes have long surpassed my ability to predict them, so I won't even try. Suffice it to say that one team has demonstrated its mastery over us all on several occasions, and its name is Banana Belt.

THIS WEEK'S OPPONENT

I've had more hard fought, low-scoring contests with Fecal Clatter than I can count on one hand. For whatever reason, our contrasting-yet-complimentary philosophies tend to stalemate one another. Some of my favorite moments from battling FC include the Freddy Garcia 5-inning CG that clinched a tie, astonishing my opponent, and the surprising ERA edge that snapped another tie, this time in the playoffs. The times FC has gotten the better of me, I choose to forget.

One offseason battle between us two was a bidding war for young Tommy Hanson. Both our teams wanted the immediate services of this four-pitch stud with storied Atlanta heritage and sparkling Arizona Fall League stats. Essentially, we were fighting over who would offer Hanson the bigger bonus before a 09-10 arbitration cut his deal down to the low teens. In the end, however, I was not willing to make Tommy Hanson - who some of my scouts think is merely a very good pitcher, not a great one - the highest-paid player on my team, even for a season.

Of course, the fact that I was picking ahead of FC in the draft made it a little easier to gamble that I'd wind up with Strasburg, anyway...

This year's edition of FC features more youth, as usual, and comely white men scampering over the field will bring a tear of joy to the Commish's eye for another season.
As Johan goes, so goes FC: I'm hoping the ace's traditional slow April start translates into a break for LM. Right now, the paramount concern in FC's offices is the loss of Scotty Bake Bake to arm woes. Namealike Scott Lewis will keep batters at bay until they figure out his deceptive delivery and start cranking dingers, so I think the staff will be quite all right.

It's weird to see a Jason Bay-less offense out there for FC, but the loss of Canadian quotient will probably not set the Clatter back too far with D. Wright still leading the way. So this week, let's win one for the wounded feelings of Jason Bay, banished from the team he tried so hard to lead to the mountaintop!

Right now, with the season about to begin, I have nothing but good feelings and sentiments of brotherhood for my fellow GMs. As soon as one of you defeats my team on the field, that will quickly curdle into murderous rage. So we'll see if FC can light the wick right off the bat.

But for now, I wish all of you a wonderful season, free of injuries and full of Ks and longballs. Best of luck in 2009! Until you play me, of course.

Hasta luego, fatherfuckers!

Friday, April 3, 2009

Tommy's Preseason Thoughts, Part One


“America is the greatest nation God gave Man.”
Sean Hannity


Hot fun in the summertime, it’s baseball season again.

Tommy missed you.

You like baseball? You ready for the season to start? Goddamn it, I don’t know of a finer nation than America. I don't know of a finer sport than baseball.

Let's have some good American baseball and I don't want to fuck around, let's kick it off this weekend. OK? OK.

This season, you’re going to get straight truth from this column. Last year I got myself all turned around writing fictions, making projections, even promised a comprehensive Junior League review. Haahah, that’s not my game and we all know it.

My goal is to talk to you about the League of Women Voters with more candor and intensity than any other, to teach you some new swear words, start a few controversies, leak a few embargoed memoranda, and teach you how to make a steaming pile of shit appear in Google Chat.

(It’s "~@~")

Fucking A, let’s kick this motherfucker off.

CHRISTIAN TEMPERANCE U

There is not a more persistent whippersnapper in this league than Vicious Rumors. It’s not enough for him to cause trouble all the time, now his team appears to be good for the first time in years. Seriously? What's that all about?

Let's start a list of memes he's attempted to perpetrate upon the mindbrains of our league. According to his yellow journalism, Chris is a drunk, Rick's team sodomizes each other with the LOWV trophy and hosts bukkake parties on Doug Davis' face, John was cuckolded by AJ Pyrzinski, Mike is a drug smuggler, and Nick is a few glasses of Everclear away from drafting Nook Logan. That only covers a tiny percentage of his slanders. For shame, sir.

(Did anybody else notice BB's quick and wrathful reaction? This could be the start of a delightful feud.)

I note with displeasure that VR has buried Victorino on the bench. For reals? I’ll take him over Dick Ankiel anyday. I’m going to chalk that up to a temporary condition before my face gets all red and blotchy with rage.

The team is formidable. VR is like a mighty glacier with several abrupt crevasses. Scott Olsen and Ramon Ramirez are those crevasses…or did I write in my notebook that they crave ass? I can’t understand my own handwriting anymore, I’m getting old.

Snatty... What the hell is going on over there? The only really good player on his team under the age of 29 is Ervin Santana, who I practically gave him. He gives his five year extension to Xavier Nady. You know who Xavier Nady is? Kevin Mench’s twin brother. And he is 30.

I know his name sounds like your team name, dude, but seriously. No. That should have been Santana's contract.

At auction he pays a dollar above replacement level for Mike Jacobs. ErdR says that was the steal of the auction, I call that Mike Jacobs stealing one dollar from Snatty.

I was beside myself when I saw Snatty willing to commit a full year of rehab time for Jake McGee in his first round slot while all manner of awesome players passed him by. I ask you, would you rather have Jake McGee or Buster Posey? Yonder Alonso? Trevor Cahill? I take every option that is not Jake McGee there.

Then, just when I'm about to give up hope, Snatty goes after Jordan Zimmermann in the fourth round, a great pickup that I didn’t appreciate at the time. In fact, I tried to steer him elsewhere. He wasn't having it, locked in on Zimmermann.

Now the Z man has come of age with a sparkling spring and will start for the Nats. Zimmermann instantly becomes one of the best options on a rather woeful staff. Something from nothing. The Snatty special.

The moral of the story is, Snatty will always surprise you with a brilliant move when you least expect it.

So how about that auction??

Those harrowing first attempts to connect to the ESPN applet...the frenzied "don't start without me" emails...a mind-boggling discussion of computer makes and browser types...typing the first of many enraged emails to ESPN customer support...

Mothership deftly dodged this boondoggle. He skipped the auction and still ended up with guys like Jack Cust that I thought would be auction bait.

Given that this year's auction was pretty sparse, this wasn't a bad move. Missing out on the opportunity to get a guy for $1 instead of $4 is less critical in a league where money is cheaper than roster spots. Mike has so much cap space that he could have come in and blown people away for players - but most everyone has cap space, so the level at which he could outspend would be ludicrous, considering the talent on offer.

(Incidentally, how much do you think an additional roster spot would sell for on the open market - over and above the cost of the player? I would lay down serious dollars for a 26th active roster spot.)

Mothership has some nice pieces but I'm not liking the roster top to bottom. Now, Josh Hamilton, Roberts, Adam Jones, Kershaw, Joba are all great players. I have a lot of love for guys like Doumit and Trevor Hoffman. Mothership will get hot and win games in 2009, but I need to see more talent to predict a playoff spot.

Mothership's farm team concerns me - but keep in mind that he has graduated two guys to the majors already.

El Guapo has a problem. With the injury to Rodriguez he is short an infielder. He might have called on old friend John Bowker, but he was recently optioned to the minors due to the dastardly machinations of Travis Ishikawa. This could definitely end with Equipe convincing Guapo to overpay for Kendry Morales.

Let's take a look at Guapo's offseason aquisition, Alfonso Soriano. You know what stat jumps out at me about Soriano? Only four players in history have ever gone 40/40. The list is straight out of Achermann's daydreams: Canseco, Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Soriano. As a result, he is a perfect fit.

I'm curious to see if he carries Ben Sheets in a roster spot for months/years of rehab.

Let's talk Equipe. If you're like me, you have listened to this dude talk for literally years about how he was building a future dynasty that will never be stopped once it comes to fruition. After missing the playoffs a couple of times, that kind of braggadocio wears thin.

But check out Equipe 2009: solid offense with lots of useful players and some superstars, and on the pitching side, co-aces with Matsuzaka as a #3. Coq au Vin always builds a solid bullpen and this year's edition looks representative. It's a really good team, god damn it.

For perennial playoff teams who fear the rise of new contenders, Equipe's team this year is a nightmare come true.

Compounding the situation, ERdR's minor league operation is superb. The franchise basically has David Price behind its back at this point, just waiting to bring him out. Some serious talent remains on the farm, like Matt LaPorta, Trevor Cahill and Beau Mills. Although the penchant for no-offense middle infielders raises my eyebrow, the Les Dolphins or whatever are a force to be reckoned with.

The defending champs in this new division could be said to be TV's John "DLBP" Bitchpies. It's going to take another otherworldly run from Manny Ramirez to carry him to the title game again. But don't bet against little Timmy Lincecum and his merry band of followers, including Javy Vazquez and Tim "Unbelievably Underrated in Arbitration" Wakefield.

Unlike division rival Equipe, though, DLBP has an inglorious cadre of prospects. Why, just the other day a team of Pittsburgh prospects, including Ting Tang Sluts Jose Tabata and Andrew McCutchen (as well as Mothership prospect Neil Walker and ex-PMF prospect Steve Pearce), faced the mighty team of Manatee Community College. This was a mismatch to say the least. The Pirates prospects lost. Nice work, DLBP farm team.

Was DLBP's finals battle with Banana Belt simply a brief aurora borealis in the northern sky of life? Or was this the dawning of the new LOWV titan? The league's vote for the Hillary Rodham Gap seems to indicate that my fellow GMs believe the first one of those.

I'm not so sure. DLBP is a stout squad with only a few holes: Mike Fontenot smells like my bontenot.

Now to talk about the objectively best team in the league...

LASORDA'S MANICOTTI

Gods in the gloaming. He-men of the grandstand.

I'm not gonna make any guarantees. I'm not gonna promise that LM wins the league, makes the playoffs, or even wins one lousy game.

But I'm gonna tell you what.

When you play us, be it once or twice...you best know that we are coming at you with every kind of thunder under the sun, motherfucker, and we are gonna throw it at you and pray to God that it sticks. We're gonna fight you from Monday to Sunday with hard throwing young starters and veteran lumber-wielders of the highest caliber. When the game is on the line, a robust bullpen slams the door. All the while our business operation is combing the wires for fresh talent and kicking out the assholes who don't perform. When you're on vacation in Tahiti, blowing off the LOWV for a weekend of whispering sweet ta-tas in the ear canal of a prostitute in silken underpants, we'll be picking up the guy who will make our season count off the wire. BELIEVE THAT

Damn it, my angina is flaring up again.

Man, you guys better hope Stephen Strasburg doesn't live up to the hype. How does that feel, incidentally? Hating on one of America's finest young men, our most promising athletic talents, on behalf of your made up fantasy team? And yet you have no choice...if he comes to fruition, you guys are so screwed.

But that's the future. I want to talk about now.

When I look at the excellent collection of teams that made the playoffs last year, and examine the improved rosters of some rising powers, it's easy to succumb to fear that LM's playoff run might be in jeopardy.

But can you really count out a team headlined by Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Carl Crawford, Chipper Jones, Russell Martin, Joe Nathan, and...

All right, god damn it, LM's pitching is more suspect than Joran van der Sloot...you guys watch Fox News, right?

But you know, I did have the AL Cy Young winner last year, and Cliff Lee assures me he's ready to rumble again. Jesus, I beseech you, please watch over Cliff and his brethren, Justin, Aaron, Kevin, Kelvim, Ricky, and most of all Rick...

I'm very concerned about 20 year old Rick Porcello being called up to Detroit's staff. Granted, I've had him on my major league roster for a month now, but that was mostly a procedural move. I fully expected to return him to the minors before long, but thought it imprudent to burn an option to do so before he was officially designated. Well, god damn it, it never happened.

Jim Leyland has lost it, I'm telling you. Listen to what he said about his anxiety about cutting worthless Gary Sheffield: "It's not good when you light up two Marlboro's at the same time at 3 a.m., washing it down with a glass of chocolate milk."

NO SHIT Jim! Now he decides he wants Porcello in the rotation. Weren' t you guys gonna teach him to miss bats first?

I'm just glad that I remain completely coherent and sharp as a tack in my old age.

Well, I wasn't sold on Justin Masterson last year, and he did a great job, so I can only hope Porcello replicates it. I'm all in on this youngster, and my April opponents will be seeing him in action.

But seriously, fuck you Leyland.

INTERMISSION

Unburdening myself of all my preseason thoughts in one sitting is not realistic.

I'm an old man, you fuckers, and I've been managing in this cutthroat league going on four seasons now. And it's a good thing, too, because this franchise was for shit before I took over.

So before I sign off, with Part Two to follow later this weekend, let me share with you...

TOMMY'S THOUGHTS ON GUNS 'N ROSES "USE YOUR ILLUSION"

I've always felt that this should not have been a double album. There is too much filler, and it's not stylistically coherent enough to merit the length.

What this batch of solid R&B-rock songs with interesting filler needs is an editor.

If I gained mind control over GNR in their heyday (believe me I tried), I would have released "Use Your Illusion" as a single album with the following tracklist:

1. You Could Be Mine
2. Bad Obsession
3. Yesterdays
4. 14 Years
5. Knockin' on Heaven's Door
6. Pretty Tied Up
7. Shotgun Blues
8. November Rain
9. Don't Damn Me
10. Back Off Bitch
11. Breakdown
12. Don't Cry (Original)

"Civil War" gets released as a separate single. The best of the rest would go out as B-sides or wait for the box set.

That's all for now.

Tommy out!