Tommy's Thoughts #8

What's your excuse? Spent your Memorial Day weekend building habitats for the prairie dog, you hippie fuck? Too busy giving foot massages to the castrating skank you call your woman? Working the phones to persuade a superdelegate to support that America-hating socialist O-Bambi or worse, the evil witch Clinton? Or trying to circumvent the LOWV rules by flying to Japan for a secret negotiation seshwan with Yu Darvish?

Quite frankly, if you haven't gotten around to listening to the latest Shortpants, not only do I not want to hear your excuse, I don't even want to know you.

This wasn't just possibly the best episode yet, it was also a thousand times better than most of the radio shows that are actually broadcast using radio waves. The nineteen-minute opening segment, in which Michael Jones rants about the Mets, and Willie Randolph in particular, evinces absolute mastery of the medium. The way in which the Mikeman unfolds his accusations of malfeasance against Willie along with the painful spilling of his hurt Mets-fan-feelings is truly a thing of genius. Mike's verbal daggers draw more blood than a virulent blogger could ever hope for, but his venom is tempered by a true sense of betrayal and love for his adopted team. When he says "I'm pissed, Chris!" the listener truly believes that it's so. Madman's interjections are perfectly timed and wisely circumspect - and one of the show's highlights is when the host and producer trade punchlines about when things just aren't going your way and, for example, "the dookie isn't coming out right."

Add to this potent brew a heady mixture of Keanu anecdote and you have yourself a truly awesome Shortpants. Fantastic work boys, we are all the beneficiaries of your hard work - I know an opening rant like that doesn't prepare itself - and I look forward to more episodes of this superb caliber!

Although I have to say, I saw Street Kings (and I was fired up for it, lots of great actors in that cast) and it was a REALLY bad movie, but hilariously bad. For you Battle Dome fans, it's worth the price of admission just to see the former T-Money (Terry Crews) in a dramatic role!

LAST WEEK'S GAME

Despite the best efforts of Carlos Guillen, Rickie Weeks, Jered Weaver and Mrs. Tony Parker, unBeleaguerable was convincingly defeated by the Manicotti by a score of 12-6. Unfortunately, the fine efforts of these gentlemen were marred by a staff-wide K/BB poopfest, a profound lack of doubles and triples, a pitching record of 1-7 and an untimely injury to potentially key FA pickup Jayson Werth. unB GM Chip Mitchell made some canny moves, like ignoring the day/night splits and benching B. Bannister against the Red Sox (he got shellacked). When a team with a winning percentage of below .400 meets a team with a winning percentage of above .600, the outcome isn't usually in great doubt - but in the LOWV, it's foolhardy to overlook any opponent.

Therefore, I gathered the team together at the start of the week and informed them that since I would be on a three-day drunk over Mem. Day weekend, it was important that everyone knew their roles in advance. "Infielders - swing for the fences. Giambi, pass that thong around to those who need it...oh, Howard's magnificent baby arm tore a hole in it? Tell some fucking clubby to go out and buy a case of those things! Outfielders - get hits, swipe bags and score runs. Milton, I expect you to pace everyone and if you don't I'm trading you to one of those tree hugger teams who hate conflict in the LOWV, and you'll sit on the bench forevermore. SPs - step up when you are called on! Verlander, if you can't dominate the motherfucking Doublemint Twins, with God as my witness I will blow a load on your firstborn daughter. Bullpen - keep doin' what you're doin'. Oh, except you, Aquilino."

"Que?" asked a puzzled Aquilino Lopez.

"Get the fuck out of here!!!!" I screamed in a sudden and irrational red-faced rage, of the sort that I'm prone to fly into. Aquilino was quickly hustled out by Coach Fernando. I then gestured grandiloquently to the door and said "Gentlemen, let me introduce you to your new teammate, known in Latin America as 'Ciento y Mas,' Mr. Chris Perez!"

"You mean the Chris Perez that was married to Selena???" asked Carlos Marmol excitedly.

"No," I said, "and you're a fag just for asking that."

Following this genius pep talk, we rolled unB by one point more than we'd sought to. Damn, I am an awesome manager. But I gotta say, great game to unB - this was closer than the score indicated. He also bested me in the smack talk arena. I thought my song parody had him beat, but then I received this text message:

"Your sister just called to say that if and when you win she will give me a lap dance for consolation but if I win she gets one from me."

I contacted Chad's sister to propose a similar arrangement, but my awkward proposal was met by hysterical laughter and then she hung up on me...

WEEK EIGHT RECAP

Elsewhere around the league, the standings continued to shake out. After last week's results, there are now 7 "haves" and 7 "have nots." This is not only shown by the league standings but by the genius tabulations of Bluster Foney's Roto-Rankings. The Haves - FC, LM, LU, ERdR, DLBP, PMF and Flash - are all within 15.5 games of first. After a terrifying 10 game drop off, you can find the rest of the league squabbling in the basement. If this situation holds, there will be one VERY sad team that just misses the 'yoffs. However, if one or more teams ascends the cliff to join the playoff hunt - BB, for example - the battle for sixth could get even more fierce. Memories of jumping around my clubhouse like a madman and screaming at StatTracker with every pitch on the last day of the 2007 regular season is washing over me like a bad acid flashback. I need to move on.

Fecal Clatter made a genius pickup of Jesse Litsch to neutralize VR's long-dreamed-of great start from Jon Lester, and by so doing takes over first place by himself. I really admire the recent in-game management of FC - he made a series of moves in Week 7 that put me on the defensive, and he isn't afraid to admit when he made a mistake, like his drop of Matt Garza. Although the Clatter is known for its exhaustive pre-auction preparations, building most of its roster before the season begins, crucial adjustments week-to-week are a big part of the team's success thus far. It's just a shame that its owner will have to be killed once a new Red Scare begins and we start wiping out all those who work in furtherance of Communist regimes...

VR's week started out so promisingly and then collapsed in a flurry of terrible starts. When you have one of your SPs throw a no-hitter and you only end up winning HR - that's tragic.

Conversely, Lacey had magnificent pitching stats in a VERY impressive win over upstart DLBP. Just as the boo-birds and doubters were beginning to peek their heads out from hiding, the Underalls soundly thrashed a quality opponent to regain their footing. On the flip, the Pies have watched their offense stall while Manny struggles on his quest for 500 dongs. When facing an opponent known for pitching genius, you HAVE to hit, and DLBP didn't. Thus, just as many were anointing him the next powerhouse in the league, he slips a spot in the rankings. I know the feeling, homes.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why The Flash has such an inconsistent OPS. With the bats in his lineup it should be solid, but it waxes and wanes with each passing week...

The "Battle of Brooklyn" between Mothership and Equipe ended in a very close victory for the Ship. ERdR got soundly trounced in the pitching cats, and Mikeman's nice pickup of Andrew Miller paid off big time. Also, Josh Hamilton is a beast's beast. After his win, Mike was heard to say "Neil? He's awe-ite. But he's been in Brooklyn what, five minutes? Come try me when you've at least gotten your dick wet in the borough. Thanks for Hamilton, though." (Warning: Quotations may be fictional.)

I like Guapo's FA pickups, but his staff has too many sketchy pitchers for my liking...

A balanced attack from Banana Belt carries the day and puts him in position to move up the standings. Aaron Laffey is killing me softly with his song and his 88 mph tosses. The Belt never stops trying to improve, and that's been one of the keys to his success. Can't say the same at the moment for his vanquished opponent . Snatty's NINE roster moves all season is convincing evidence that he has no real desire to regain playoff status. Hate to say it.

PMF won ugly, despite mediocre pitching numbers and a struggling offense - but the LOWV isn't about style points, it's about the bottom line. Fart's starters are looking glorious, but I dunno about that pen. The inevitable Mark Reynolds swoon coincides with the return of Chad Tracy spelling a decrease in PT for one of the team's few legit hitters so far - this is why I cut Marky Mark in the offseason, though I still like that auction pickup for PMF. However, just when Andy LaRoche should be riding to the rescue...he's stuck playing for the Las Vegas 51s.

To give you my take on Bonomatory Influence, I need but one word: flaccid.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

There's been a lot of grousing over the LOWV's most annoying new trend - picking up a guy as an FA and then immediately offering him around as part of a trade. Seriously, guys? I am eager to see how Chase Headley fares in the bigs, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to give you a quality player for him - if I'd wanted I could have had him for $1 at the auction. I wish I had snagged the resurgent Cla Meredith, but not badly enough that I'm going to give up one of my awesome minor leaguers just so you can wash your hands of the Schafer debacle. At least hang onto these guys for a few weeks, and let them make their names in the LOWV, before you start acting like they have trade value...

As one GM told me, "Putting dudes you just picked up on the trade block is pretty lame. If I've learned anything, it's pointless to try and trade the last 5 guys on your bench. I wouldn't take anyone else's - why should I think they want mine? It's pretty tough to move anyone from the bottom half of a roster."

Along these lines, I've taken the obnoxious "Seeking GIDP" from my trade block and added some quality players - overperforming and underperforming alike - for your consideration. Although the trade market has been VERY quiet, LM is always looking for a deal that both teams can be happy about. You may know me from such all-around successes as "Utley for Papelbon and Beej Upton," "Erv Santana for Schilling," and "Chipper for Ad. Jones, Okernok and Heath-er." Holla at me, fellas!

BART WATCH

A pretty nice outing for Bartolo Colon against the lowly Mariners - definitely an improvement on his first start, which was fine by MLB standards but subpar by LOWV standards. He featured mostly heaters, but began to mix in his slider as the game went on. (Some people think he threw one changeup as well.) My favorite stat from this game was that Colon got out every batter he got 2 strikes on. Here's a detailed report card on Colon's performance.

None of this changes my original contention that VR was dumb to wait two months for this guy while he took up a very useful roster spot, but at least it seems to be paying off now.

RECOMMENDED READING

Former MLBer Doug Glanville wrote an awesome op/ed for the NYT recently in which he discussed the fact that baseball players really have very little interest in fighting one another, even when they gather for a giant pigpile on the mound...

"The year that my team got into those four fights, minor league officials wanted to crack down, so they instituted a strict fine system with suspensions for anyone who left the bench to join in. This put quite a damper on the retaliation protocol, to the point where when one of my teammates charged the mound after being hit by a pitch, he stopped halfway and started scolding the pitcher. That was a first: intimidation by lecture.

Since in the minor leagues most players are living paycheck to paycheck, the new fine system worked like a charm. During that same on-field berating, I looked into our dugout from its midst and noticed that one of my teammates, Mike Carter, was breaking yet another unwritten rule by not joining his teammates in the rumble on the field. To raise his violation status from plain wrong to egregious, he was the only one who did not join his teammates. I asked him about this later. “Mike Carter has to pay his bills,” he replied.

The irony of these on-field altercations is that the fans are often much more likely to engage in a real fight than the players. When they fight in the stands to defend their teams (or for other reasons), they often go for the knock-out. Players just go to send the message, “We will not be intimidated!” while whispering, “Watch my right arm, I need that.”

There's more good stuff, including a tale of a Paul Byrd/Eddie Perez "brawl" that was a lot closer to a "kiss each other!" moment - and a quote from one "Richie Sexton." Unless the majors now features a Ton of Sex along with a Son of Sex, I'm guessing Commissioner Chris "Todd Lilly" Sahl is moonlighting as a NYT proofreader.

Not-recommended reading: this story about how Joe Nathan cried when they told him he couldn't be a shortstop any more. No more stories like this. LaVelle Neal is to LM as John Tomase is to the Patriots.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

Last week's penis: Rafael Furcal, for faking me out with a supposed Friday return that never materialized, and then turned into another week on the DL. Man up and get back in there!

Last week's genius: Shane Victorino, in danger of losing playing time after returning from injury, exploded last week: 6 R, 13 H, 1 HR, 2 SB, .394 / 1.004. Thank God the Hawaiian is flyin' again, because for a while there I had half a mind to send him out to Japan to play for Bobby Valentine along with his ex Benny Agbayani...

THIS WEEK'S HATED ENEMY

Oh I Wandy Wandy who, whoooooooooa who. Wandy Rodriguez sucks!

I actually am having a hard time mustering my usual invective while pondering my matchup with Equipe. Part of it is that I needed several days to sober up from a truly drunken weekend, and now the showdown is more than imminent. Part of it is that I appreciate his contributions to this column - by doing things that it's really easy to be critical of, by inspiring great blowback from the Shortpants crew, and by his willingness to trash his fellow GMs in anonymous quotes. And part of it is that his 2008 management turned a team that many people thought was circling the drain into a serious title contender by making great FA pickups, strategizing well and deploying the weapons accumulated during the fallow months of his team's terrible 2007. Not to mention the fact that his power rankings rule.

BUT let's not start sucking each other's dicks here. There are a lot of things that piss me off about this team too, and I intend to channel all of my anger into a lightsaber of destruction that will wipe out ERdR in Week 9. Repeated slights against my closers will not be forgotten. Insulting attempts to acquire Marmol will be looked back upon in anger. The suggestion that Curtis Granderson is better than Carl Crawford for less than 8% of the price will be rudely disproven (right Carl? Right??? Are you there Carl?). And Soriano's awkward movements offend my sense of grace and must be capitalized upon!

I believe the winner will be determined by the performance of my pitching staff this weekend. Good luck, Plainview. As an Italian-American even fatter and more pompous than me once quoth, "I don't need luck....you do."

ENDQUOTE

"You're either gonna be like 'Oh!', or you're gonna be like '...oh.'"

-Keanu Reeves on the two possible reactions to Street Kings

Shortpants XXX -- LOWV Keanus & Notes

Shortpants returns from a fortnight of slumber and finds our host in a very agitated state. With so much controversy and excitement around the league, The Madman barely had time to grab the recording gear before our host launched into a litany of insightful invective and boisterous bloviation. Armed with huge piles of paper, Mike rants and raves about race cards, over-exuberant mound antics, his lollipop left-handed pitching and spares no feelings in the latest round of Significant and Notable Roster Adjustments.

Then when you least expect it, we find a sensitive soul behind the bombast. Mike relates the story of his star-struck evening with Keanu Reeves, which will delight members of the Keanu Krew of all ages. Which Reeves movies did he joke about in conversation with The One? You'll have to listen to find out.

Come for the baseball analysis, stay for the Dogstar jokes.

Episode XXX

ROTO-RANKINGS WEEK 8

THE TITS
1.) LASORDA'S MANICOTTI (2nd Place/6th SOS/118H/122P = 262)
Well, well, well. It finally happened. Somebody managed to knock the king off his throne. For what feels like the first time all season, we have a new #1. Huzzah! We can’t say LM did it in the most decisive manner this weekend, but stealing six offensive categories from the vaunted FC juggernaut on route to a last second draw is worthy of a sincere tip of the cap.

SLOPPY SECONDS
2.) THE LACEY UNDERALLS (3rd Place/ 4th SOS/102H/121P = 246)
What was the cause of LU’s downfall? An overextension of resources over too vast a roster? An overreliance on mercenaries and foreign-born players? The erosion of common morals and values within the team? Lead poisoning from the piping used in the plumbing of the team’s locker room? Only historians will know the answer to this question, however we believe it was probably just a case of bad luck. However, injuries to Peavy and the steady rise of LU’s team ERA are certainly cause for concern. Also of concern is the hoarde of Visigoths, known as DLBP , who are primed to sack the imperial city.

3.) FECAL CLATTER (1st Place/7th SOS/130H/89P = 241)
We know FC is top of the pops right now, but we’re just not comfortable placing such an imbalanced team much higher than third right now. While there is no doubt that this is one of the most powerful and potent offenses LOWV has ever seen, we are still quite concerned about a pitching staff that notched five losses and a 5.17 ERA last week. Of particular note, just about every member of the FC bullpen shat the proverbial bed last week.

HEAVY PETTING
4.) EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU (5th Place/9th SOS/88H/127P = 231)
Alfonso Mutherfuckin’ Soriano. The same pattern seems to repeat itself every season and yet, we always have our minds blown: a .165 BA in March and April, then four weeks on the DL, then a hot streak so incredible it leaves the rest of the league looking like it peeked inside the Arc of the Covenant. Simply put, The Fonz is back! Six homers and 13 RBIs all by his lonesome – that’s almost better than DLBP’s whole roster put up combined. And that’s not all, the offense simply exploded, putting up FC-quality numbers across the board: 80 hits, 21 doubles, .315AVG and an .897OPS. Best of all, the froglegs tied the LOWV record with 51 RBIs in a week! We wish we could say that all the news was positive, but unfortunately, ERdR suffered two key injuries to its pitching staff: Buchholz and Casilla. Both should be back relatively soon, but it’ll be interesting to see how the league’s best pitching staff deals without two key members.

5.) THE FLASH (6th Place/2nd SOS/108H/92P = 222)
All we can really do is tip our cap to The Flash. N’er have we seen a team put up a 75H, 42R, 16 2Bs, 10HR, 34RBI .301BA, .852 OPS week and lose the offensive cats by a score of 7-3. However, while those numbers are very impressive, had they been the only bright spot, Flash would have suffered a very depressing loss to rival, ERdR. Fortunately, Flash managed to put up TWO CG-SHOs in a single week on route to seizing a 7-3 victory in the pitching cats. Not only that, but he managed to squeeze an incredible ten saves out of his bullpen, including a mind-boggling four out of Valverde and Ryan each!

WET DREAMS
6.) D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES (4th Place/13th SOS/93H/105P = 211)
More anemic than the Smith College Vegan Society, DLBP’s offense put up some astonishingly hollow numbers. We know its working and all, as DLBP absolutely dominates the “get on base stats” -- bear witness to the 90 hit, .349 AVG and 27 strikeout performance last week -- however, the team only managed to muscle a single dinger and 23 RBIs. Also, while that .875 OPS was solid, it would be a hell of a lot higher if there was any pop in those bats. As for his arms…we love them. Kazmir is back. Vazquez looked solid. Jair Jurjens continues to impress. But, we left our heart in Timmy Lincecum.

7.) POOR MAN'S FART (7th Place/10th SOS/100H/85P = 198)
Just as we imagined, PMF is getting it done against the lighter schedule. The best part is that his offense has finally kicked it into high gear. Last week against BI, PMF put up a sizzling 33 runs, 69 hits and a .299 AVG. While the power numbers are still a bit low, we’re impressed that he managed to pull out such a decisive victory without even playing a catcher! Also, we are confident those power numbers are only a matter of weeks away as his younger players get more and more comfortable with big league pitching. The pitching numbers were a little less than exciting, but considering neither Lackey nor Halladay notched an inning for PMF, we weren’t too surprised. On the flip side, it was great to see Rich Harden return with authority.

PEEPING TOMS
8.) THE BANANA BELT (10th Place/8th SOS/87H/80P = 179)
Don’t look now, but he’s back. We have been one of the biggest haters around, and it would be easy to take a dump on him after that beatdown last week….but those rotisserie stats are really turning around and we can’t dispute them any longer. First, tBB’s offensive numbers were solid last week and would have been winners against most of the teams not named DLBP. Second, dude has four pitchers inactive and still is putting up competitive numbers. That’s twilight zone crazy shit. Oh, and we’re sorry we ever said anything bad about CC, could you be sure you tell him that, Rick? Seriously, he looks fierce.

9.) THE MOTHERSHIP (8th Place/11th SOS/78H/83P = 171)
Mothership slips in the rankings despite pulling out a win…we know this is going to cause consternation on Shortpants. To put it bluntly, Mothership stayed late at the homecoming party, left with the biggest slut in the class and only managed to get an awkward tug job by the railroad tracks. Sure, Mothership got its rocks off with an 11-9 win, but it should have been guts deep in that New Orleans strange.

CLOSET CASES
10.) EL GUAPO (11th Place/11th SOS/49H/92P = 149)
This team is painful to watch without Chone Figgins and Alex Rodriguez. We’ll just hope that when these two superstars return, El Guap’s offense will return. At least his starters put up a decent week, not awesome, not great, but decent. Which is pretty much how we feel about his bullpen too. Somehow, for the second week in a row, they shocked us by putting up seven saves. Maybe we should stop hating….On a serious note, congrats on graduating from law school, Guap.

11.) SNATURALS (9th Place/14th SOS/67H/69P = 143)
Big Papi is back, officially. A great big power explosion helped the Snatmaster take out El Guapo. We’re not happy with the low AVG and OPS, but that’s what happens when you walk the way of the Dunn. We aren’t even touching the pitching staff though. Ugggg.

DUNGEON MASTERS
12.) VICIOUS RUMORS (12th Place/1st SOS/54H/59P = 130)
Biggest upset of the week! Good lord, VR, where has that been all season? Well, to be fair, VR pulled it off with a balanced attack he has shown for a couple weeks now. Truth be told is that VR has been getting some solid returns off his patient approach to his roster. He’s let some players work themselves out of some serious slumps and the investments are starting to pay off. Now, he still is having trouble in the outfield and his pitching is still a bit too inconsistent week to week, but last week his staff was just solid enough to allow his offense to steal the week by slap hitting his way to victory. Our hats are off to you VR.

13.) BONOMATORY INFLUENCE (13th Place/3rd SOS/41H/66P = 121)
Decent numbers out of BI, but the pharaoh fell short. When does BI start thinking about next year? We don’t want to be a downer, but we were right about where BI is now last year and we know that it doesn’t get much better. Now might be a good time to start evaluating the talent and fishing for younger talent. Good bait on the BI, too: Drew, Ordonez, Hudson, etc. Also, one of the recent bright spots is Ryan Freakin Dempster…wow. If we were the BI we’d be trying to move that guy after last week.

FAILURE TO LAUNCH
14.) UNBELEAGUERABLE (14th Place/5th SOS/60H/477P = 118)
Hopefully unBeleaguerable was so buried in finals preparation he didn’t get to watch his team fall to Mothership last week. On the serious tip though, we love how unB has embraced the future and is clearly building for 2009 and beyond. His commitment to the youth movement the last couple years is really starting to pay dividends as Soto, Longoria, Butler and Upton all look like they are going to be legitimate studs for years to come. That team is going to be scary good, sooner rather than later.

Tommy's Thoughts #7

After all my years in the game, I sometimes think I've seen everything there is to see. But every season, something new and surprising happens that changes the way I perceive the LOWV. Last year, it was the attempted poisoning of yours truly in a Brooklyn spumoni deathtrap. This season, it's the inspirational slump-breaking golden thong.

Portfolio magazine revealed a shocking story that's been around the locker dungeons of the LOWV for years, but only recently became known in the LM clubhouse:

"Jason Giambi has a deep, dark secret. Deeper than his compulsion to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door, and darker than his dream of growing up to be a heavy-metal musician.

The deepest, darkest secret harbored by the New York Yankees first baseman is that whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform. "I only put it on when I'm desperate to get out of a big slump," he confides.

Over Giambi's checkered career in the Bronx, he has left the "golden thong" in the lockers of slumping teammates Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura, and Robinson Cano. "All of them wore it and got hits," he reports. "The thong works every time.""

Giambi: Also uses "The Thong Song" to break out of karaoke slumps

The New York Daily News followed up with a hard-hitting article on all things thong:

""Whoever is on slumps, puts it on," catcher Jorge Posada admitted yesterday. "I don't know if it works. I haven't worn it yet."

Posada added that "a lot of players have worn it," but he didn't name names. Asked if the thong got washed between wearings, he gave a cringe-worthy answer. "Ask Jason," said Posada. "Jason is a little strange."

Yankee outfielder Bobby Abreu recoiled and threw his arms up in the air when a reporter waved a variation of Giambi's shiny underwear in his face.

"I don't know anything about that," Abreu insisted, though his bulging eyes said otherwise."

While teams like the Lacey Underalls have successfully donned Giambi's thong in seasons past, we've never had that kind of below-the-belt performance enhancer working in our favor. Until this season. When LM grabbed Giambi off the free-agent rolls on May 11, we thought we were getting a solid IF with power, RBI opportunities and a good eye. We never realized that our modest $3 investment also included a lucky thong!

Giambi wasted no time distributing his magical underpants to the needy. Ryan Howard, mired in his traditional spring morass, arrived the next day to find the golden wonder already hanging in his locker. "The fuck?" he asked quizzically.

"Put it on, bro," said the beefy Giambino. "You'll be going yard again in no time."

Howard refused, so Giambi waited until he was taking a noonday nap...and then dropped trou and pressed his flabby ass cheeks around Howard's face, tickling his nose with Italian butt hairs in the immortal humiliation known only as the Sasquatch. Howard squirmed and cried in horror, but Giambi wouldn't relent. "Wear the thong!!" he demanded. I'll say one thing for Jason, he wants the best for his teammates.

Thus chastened by the threat of further Sasquatchings, Howard wore the thong that night at the ballpark. Since then, his line has been 7/26, 7 R, 3 HR, 6 RBI, .269/.999 - with a gang of K's, but it's a slump-breaking thong, not a skill-set-transforming thong, for god's sake.

Howard: Gimme that thong.

LAST WEEK

In a seemingly decisive matchup against fellow league-leader Fecal Clatter, LM managed to snatch stalemate from the jaws of defeat. And not just because of the magic thong.

It was the weekend, and FC had us on the ropes. The team was losing and I was puking my guts out after a Friday night drinking binge with Mama Jams, in celebration of our mutual decision to bury the hatchet. I felt like shit and LM was playing like diarrhea.

Despite the world's most predictable injury to Nick Johnson, FC had some of its bats roaring - David Wright, Stephen Drew, Raul Ibanez, Corey Hart. Bag-swipers ran rampant and Nachtmarz deftly shuffled his pitching lineups to max out his bullpen stats. Jimmy Shields and Matt Cain looked nasty, and Todd Lilly mowed down 11 batters. The sight of a 12-6 score in midstream was enough to make my prostate itch like it had been repeatedly bitten by fire ants.

That's when an angry black man burst into my office and unleashed an obscenity-laced tirade so Lasorda-esque, I wondered if he was an illegitimate son I'd fathered back in my Studio 54 days. It was Milton Bradley, and he was pissed.

"Bitch, why you sittin in here barfing? FC out there punking us and you in here puking. Sheeiiit. You realize we ain't had a healthy shortstop in there since last week? Chase Utley tiring himself out runnin' all around the infield and shit. Motherfucker. You need me to manage this team or what, nigga?"

"Go for it," I said in between spews. Although his disrespect took me aback, there was no denying the man's fire. And I was in no condition to take the fight to the enemy.

Next thing I knew, Milton had taken over managerial duties while hitting .400 with three dongs. He talked Russell Martin and Chipper Jones into a hitting contest by convincing them that he would force the loser to attend Fat School. And he scared the shit out of Johan Santana with an unprecedented mound-charge straight from the dugout, after which the Mets ace yielded dinger after dinger.

"Outta my way Bud Black! I'm-a stab that Venezuelan mothafucka!"

By the time Sunday night wound down, I had regained the ability to digest solid food, and Milton Bradley's terrifying stewardship had brought LM back to a tie with FC. Thus we were able to finish our swing through the top 3 teams in the preseason standings with a record of 38-21-7.

For whatever reason, FC/LM games always seem to end in some kind of deadlock or stalemate. Sup with that?

THIS WEEK

Jambalaya on the Bayou (LM v unB version)

Peace out ho, me gotta go, me oh my oh
Me gotta go whip unB's crap squad down the bayou
Todd Helton, sucks a dong, me oh my oh
Son of a gun, we'll win 21-1 on the bayou

CHORUS:
Jambalaya, crawfish pie, hittin' dongs off Cueto
'Cause tonight I'm gonna see Andruw Jones and giggle
Chad pick guitar, fill fruit jar and be gay-o
Son of a gun, Pedro is done, on the bayou.

Billy Butt, fat as fuck, slim down, cousin!
Carlos Gui hits GIDP by the dozen
Except Soto, your team blows, me oh my oh
Son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou.

Just kidding about 21-1, our goal is more along the lines of last week's 12-7 advantage...but we will be on our guard against sneak attacks and below-the-belt smack. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to buy some fried shrimp from the seafood place up the street and fix myself a po' boy...

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The Game of the Week was ERdR vs. the Flash. Although a 1o-10 tie, this was anything but a disappointment. The offensive matchup is pretty staggering. When you see numbers like these - 38 R, 75 H, 16 2B, 10 HR, .301 BA, .852 OPS - and they AREN'T in bold, you know this was a showdown. Not to mention the double CG SOs that Flash received from Hamels and Fausto! At some point, we have to dispense with the image of these teams as upstarts and accept that they have the potential to win it all this year. Each team has areas of particular strength and obsesses over particular categories - no distinction more striking there than Flash's love of cheap saves and Equipe's love of holds. Teams of destiny in parallel worlds? I don't think either of these franchises will fall out of playoff contention anytime soon.

The mirror image of this great game was the Snatty/Guapo match, another Boston/SF competition but with way, way worse numbers across the board. Honestly, I'm not sure what else to say here without making more enemies...

Feast-or-famine smack from BI this week: "I am going to Poor Man's Fart in your face!" I guarantee that will reduce half the league to hysterical giggles, while the other half shakes its head in derision. The 12-4 score, in favor of PMF, demonstrates exactly in which direction the stinky winds blew. In addition, two of BI's "runs" were by one measly statistical point. On the flip, good win for PMF. This team can no longer lean on the hard schedule excuse, as the tables have been turned and PMF's schedule is, to this point, the league's easiest - so wins like this become crucial in the playoff drive.

Speaking of PMF: while Andy LaRoche warms the Poor Man's pine, Mothership's Blake DeWitt continues to mash in the big leagues. And-LaRoc can bitch all he wants, and he has, but DeWitt is playing like he deserves to be in an LOWV lineup, and sticking in the Dodger hot corner. Kudos to the Ship for grabbing a guy who doesn't have much pedigree, but can unquestionably boost his infield for a time.

While he sings a song of basement-dwelling, I'm told that the Banana Belt organization is actually quite optimistic. CC Saba is looking fierce, and BB insiders pointed out that fellow Tribesman Aaron Laffey is looking better and better with each appearance.

unB finally bit the bullet and grabbed Jayson Werth. This guy has been crushing everything for quite a while, playing in a great hitters' park with an awesome lineup around him. Every year, there are boring vets who get hot, and it almost becomes a staring contest among LOWV GMs to determine who is willing to swallow their love of flashy talent and grab the boring bat. Smart move by unBeleguerable to snag this Werth-while player. Werth-while - get it??????

VR appears to be taking a page out of the BB handbook, transforming a preseason darling into what appeared to be a sinking ship, and then ambushing the league leaders when they least expect it. His 10-8 victory over the league's most serious businessman was coupled by a smack ambush that nobody saw coming, and that blasted everyone and everything in its path. My response to this turn of events is twofold - first, praise to VR for this double-barreled assault. With the standings largely static this week, he's still in position to move up. Second, LU has now had two disappointing weeks in a row. I believe this performance can be summed up best in a single image:

Here at LM, we consider D'Lucious Bitch Pies to be our most frightening competition at the moment. This is a team that completely outfoxed me a few weeks back and has risen from a Varitek-picking, Soriano-trading laughingstock to a LOWV powerhouse in a few short seasons. Who is to say how far this team can rise in the future? Did I mention that Forest has an iPhone and can juggle his lineup at virtually any time?? DLBP continued to make a case for its own awesomeness with a big win over Banana Belt this week. Other than a statistically-aberrant dearth of dongs, his numbers looked good across the board. NINETY freakin' hits?

The best part...the wounded LU now seeks to right the ship against a cruising DLBP! This ought to make for an incredibly fierce battle. This is my advance pick for Game of the Week next week, and at the very least it ought to end in bloodshed and/or hurt feelings. Awesome.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

"I gave up on Garza, he just had a crappy outing yet the bid keeps rising."

So said Banana Belt at 10:59 on Monday morning. unB folded on Garza minutes before this statement. Yet BB made no declaration of fold to the league board, so the auction "continued" until the commish ended it by fiat 6:52 AM this morning, delaying by one day VR's ability to add Garza to his roster.

Weak.

DANK FARM NUGS

I think it's clear by now that the players on Hershiser's Heroes are awesome, so it's high time we took a look at some of the other studs out there.

VR is giddy about his top pick, Orioles catching prospect Matt Wieters. And for good reason - at least one GM of a 2007 playoff team cursed aloud when the Rumors snagged him with a lottery pick. In naming Wieters prospect of the day recently, Baseball America wrote that "Only two games were played yesterday because of weather, but Frederick (Orioles) catcher Matt Wieters probably would have taken the cake on any day. The switch-hitting Wieters went 3-for-5 with two home runs and four RBIs, giving him 11 long balls on the year. He also threw out the only runner that tried to steal on him. He is now batting .338/.419/.618 in 136 at-bats."

Lots of Mischevious Maggie O'Hooligans in the news recently. Let's begin on the positive tip. Angel Villalona started slow this season, but the young, raw Giants prospect recently exploded on a Rays farm club, going 4-5 and mashing like a madman. I've heard tell that NOBODY in the minors has the kind of raw power potential this guy has. In other MMO'H news, top pick Fernando Martinez got hurt, while shortstop Carlos Triunfel has been missing time due to a mysterious suspension...

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Jeff Keppinger, who signed with LM and then went out the very same night and threw his kneecap in front of a foul tip, meaning that he never actually played for us. Consequently, we got stuck with Khalil "Despite My Name, Not Only Am I White, I'm WICKED White" Greene. Eff you, Keppinger! Get well soon, Furcal!

This week's genius: Russell Martin, who batted .522 with an OPS of 1.082 last week and continued his winning ways into Week 8 by scoring the winning run for the Dodge last night. No Fat School for you! This week, anyway.

Honorable mention to Milton Bradley, who notoriously gets himself really pissed off in order to perform at his best. Let the anger take control, Milton - let the anger move you! And thanks for the help last weekend.

ENDQUOTE

"I can finally look forward to some positive analysis from Tommy... or can I?"

-Vicious Rumors, who sends the mighty Colon to the mound on Wednesday!

Tommy's Thoughts #6

Startled your ass, didn't I! My lucrative speaking engagements have me traveling again this week so I'm releasing my Thoughts a bit earlier than usual. It's clear that this column will never be released on a regular schedule.

Here's an opening observation...entering Week 7, LM is tied with Fecal Clatter for first place in the league. My record is 78-43-11, while his record is 77-44-13. Obviously, our records are not the same, yet we share the lead. From this, one can deduce that in terms of LOWV standings, a tie is worth half a win - thus we each have 83.5 "points" (LM: 78+5.5, FC: 77+6.5).

For one thing, this reveals the true point value of a CG SO. When your opponent gets a CG SO in a given week and wins each category 1-0, he doesn't just score two points against you, he actually deducts another point from your total by taking away two ties. Oddly enough, a CG SO in this scenario hurts the team that absorbs it more than it helps the team that gets it - it's a net gain of one point for the team with the CG SO - without it, they had 1 point from 2 ties; with it, they have 2 points from 2 wins - and a net loss of THREE points for the team that it comes against. (I happen to think that counting both of these stats is overkill, but that's a topic for another day.)

One thing I have yet to figure out is the significance of a team's tie totals over a season. Is there any correlation between a team's number of ties and any positive or negative qualities - or is it merely a function of head-to-head luck? Either way I'd guess the 2008 tie totals are too small a sample size to be significant, but I've always suspected that when the season rounds into fullness, that number means something. Send your theories to our mailbag.

LAST WEEK

What a strange and hard-fought game this was. Superstars came up small, pulled up lame, or got rained out. Underrated players stepped up in a big way. Roles were reversed, as each team won categories they seemed to have no business winning. Twelve counting categories were decided by a margin of two or fewer. Arguably, the game came down to the final at-bat of the week - when Joe Nathan got Manny Ramirez to ground into a rally-killing out late on Sunday night, he prevented red-hot Lacey Underalls 1B Justin Morneau (3-3, 2R) from leading off the bottom of the ninth, where he might have affected numerous cats with one swing of the bat.

If you had told me on Monday that my team OPS was going to be .650, I would have immediately changed my identity and moved to Alabama to escape the everlasting shame of it all - no way I could hold Lacey off with an offensive effort that pathetic. What I didn't anticipate is that the LM starters would trounce the LU starters - John Maine and Cliff Lee significantly outperformed Jake Peavy and Felix Hernandez, even though I sit here and read that and have a hard time accepting such a preposterous statement as fact - or that the steady LM bullpen would be pointin and giggling while their LU counterparts were butt-reamed by cruel Fortune. When Papelbon, Broxton and T. Walker combine to surrender 4 losses, we have officially entered the Twilight Zone. Despite an uncanny knack for benching guys just in time for them to have big games, managing my way out of a triple and a win on Sunday alone, I squeezed out enough doubles, homers and steals to win the offensive cats 5-4, which when added to my pitching staff's 6-2 triumph amounted to a solid 11-6 victory over a team we were totally unable to beat last season.

I would be an idiot to gloat, though, because I know how tenuous this win was, and because in the process I lost some key contributors to injury - Vernon Wells is on the DL for a couple of months and Rafael Furcal hasn't played in days with back problems. Like Stonewall Jackson in the Battle of Chancellorsville, they turned the enemy's flank with crucial HRs but fell wounded on the field of battle. Oh the humanity!!

Now a little respect for my vanquished opponent. As has been noted before in this column, Lacey Underalls does not surrender a single category, which makes this team very, very difficult to beat and almost impossible to blow out - you need an equally balanced team and a huge serving of good luck. I got the good luck, but couldn't capitalize - my offense was just flat this week and I had to scrap just to break the weekend-long deadlock. There is so much to like about the Underalls that it's tough to know where to begin: beyond the obvious (Hanley and the aces), there are some really promising young outfielders, the Angel catcher platoon that I haven't heard anyone give proper praise to yet, and let's not forget about Edinson Volquez. After taking a look at the upcoming schedule, my prediction is that LU will soon return to the top spot in the standings.

This game was ugly, but it was a "good game" nonetheless. I believe LOWV teams show their true ability not when everything is clicking, but when things are going wrong. LU and LM faced potentially disastrous weeks with prime categories and players failing us, but each of us managed to battle and grab cats here and there - I just ended up holding more in the end. I offer Mama Jams a tip of the cap; but I fear that my brash trash talk and victorious outcome this week may have fueled a future comeuppance of terrifying proportions.

NEXT WEEK

Two teams loom atop the LOWV standings. Two teams share the lead with 5 head-to-head wins. All that changes after this week - FC and LM will battle to the death!!

(Yeah, you'd better cringe, hideous spawn of Bowa!! Watch out before your muscles tear and tendons pop, from the sheer stress of facing the mighty Manicotti!)

Had we met last week, FC would have come away with a 13-9 victory, led by Jimmy Shields and his CG SO. While we pride ourselves on offense here at LM, there can be no doubt that FC has the premier hitting unit in the league right now. As odd a role as this is for us to play, we can only win this game by dominating on the mound, especially since we aren't facing Johan in a two-start week for once. Is the patchwork, minimum-wage LM staff up to the challenge? Suffice it to say that would-be ace Justin Verlander can make up for six weeks of floundering with a big game against KC tomorrow.

I'm not sure what else to say here. FC has kept a low profile this season, not opening himself up to much in the way of broadsides. His team looks stout and there isn't really anything to criticize there, except his embarrassingly obvious lust for young Caucasian studs, especially Diamondbacks. Suffice it to say, we will seek to obliterate him nonetheless, and as always, I stand ready to pounce on any erroneous statement or foolhardy transgression. I sleep with one eye open, motherfuckers!

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The players currently designated "Keys to Victory", based on appearing most often among the rosters of the Top 500 Public League teams on Yahoo: Beence Beekman (PMF), Hanley Ramirez (LU), Edinson Volquez (LU), Chipper Jones (LM), and Rafael Furcal (LM).

ERdR keeps on rolling, powered by his great pitching staff and FA-of-the-year contender Carlos Quentin. Since it seems that every year a team rises out of Frisco to confound naysayers and doubters, El Guapo must be looking forward to having the city to himself next year...

Seven home runs from Joey Votto and Dan Uggla carried Flash to a rousing victory over unB. The pitching numbers in this matchup were so hideous, they made Lacey's Week 6 pitching stats look divine. Regardless, Stokes Esq. has ascended into playoff position. Just as he was roundly counted out, Flash has built a nice comeback on slugging and saves. I'd say "just wait until he faces a more balanced team," but he beat LU earlier in this season, so there goes that assertion. At this point, The Flash is a name nobody wants to see on their matchup page.

DLBP vs. Snatty: No smoke, no mirrors, just a methodical and textbook-worthy dismantling of a lesser opponent. DLBP is the caballo negro for the title this year, mark mis palabras.

Last week's dullest game pitted tBB against VR in a 10-9 snoozer. This game was held at Lowered Expectations Stadium. A few things jump off the stat sheet: VR's infield is finally living up to its rep, though with a little help from Clint Barmes, in for Tulo. Meanwhile, the Belt's Ubaldo manhandled the Pads with 11 Ks.

As Fukudome goes, so goes the Mothership. Both have been in a protracted slump. Moship's loss to FC wasn't as ugly as the score indicated, but this team must locate some power to get back into playoff contention. The Mothership's slide in the standings might bode well for the Shortpants show, since Mike never really seemed comfortable as an alpha dog and defender of the status quo. From the lottery he can more effectively speak for the little guy. However, his draft picks will soon be looking to change that; he just needs to find the offensive support to counterbalance the boost he'll receive from Kershaw and Adenhart.

If I were PMF, I'd be worried. Last year he missed the playoffs on a heartbreaking final day of the regular season. This year, there are six teams that have established themselves as clear contenders, and PMF is again on the outside looking in - 7.5 games out of 6th place already. Nobody wants to be the king of the also-rans, and it looks like Bobby Walls may be fitted for the crown unless PMF can get off the schneid in 2008. The pitching staff, always the key for this team, looked terrible last week. On the plus side, his offense showed some serious dynamism against Guapo last week, mixing twelve-steal speed with overall hitting prowess. Can his pitching staff overcome their oft-injured ways to carry the Pmmf to the promised pmmffft?

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

"I know you're no fan of VR holding onto Colon...But as you know, VR is in a pretty shitty situation, and the prospect of a quality pitcher soon joining the team is more attractive to me right now than two weeks of FA spot starts...I keep reading that he's close, he's close, he's close... and keep waiting. So all the time I'm thinking I can wait it out, and at this point, I almost feel obligated to hold onto him because I've done so for so long. And I have a feeling my patience will pay off...Also, I suspect there'd be other GMs bidding on Colon when he gets the call, and I'd rather keep him at $3."

This segment is brought to you by the charitable arm of LM, the Tommy Fund, dedicated to helping GMs who have passed through the realm of sanity into the wilderness of serious delusion. I received this email in my mailbag after last week's column and had to shake my head at the flaws in logic exhibited here by Vicious Rumors.

1. First principles - only use a non-DL roster spot on a player you believe can be a true difference maker, either short-term or long-term. For instance, FC grabbed Roger Clemens a few years in a row and this paid off with ace-level performances down the stretch. If Barry Bonds returns as an AL DH, this could provide serious slugging for El Guapo. unB stashed Evan Longoria for the better part of two seasons and is about to reap the rewards. Conversely, Bartolo Colon is not expected by anybody to return to his Cy Young form, and at best will provide some valuable mid-season starts for the Red Sox and spell their young SPs. He is not good enough to merit playing with 24 guys until his return.

2. True, VR is in a shitty situation, but that's no reason to hold onto Colon. If the team's response to adversity is "hold 'em close boys, I'll think of something," then spot starters who can help right the ship are a much better solution than a tubby hurler in his mid-30s mired in AAA. If the response is "Pack it in and play for 2009," better to claim some of the promising age-appropriate AAA players currently available in free agency. It's too early for VR to run up the white flag, I believe, so why not grab guys who can actually help you right now, while you're facing LU and FC in consecutive weeks, instead of waiting for a "savior" who is really only a slight upgrade over Julian Tavarez. Andy Sonnanstine was a step in the right direction here.

3. "I almost feel obligated to hold on to him because I've done so for so long." Speak not these accursed words! While nobody likes to admit a mistake and end up with egg on their face, this is not a valid reason to sustain a dumb roster move. Don't be afraid to cut ties, especially when all you gave up to get him was $3 at the auction.

4. If you want a chubby veteran Red Sox pitcher whose rehab proceeds slowly under a cloud of vagueries, why don't you just get Curt Schilling? At least you can put him on the DL...

5. Drop him. Believe me, nobody will bid on him. Except maybe ERdR, and that just to cause trouble. Pay no mind to that rapscallion. If you want to grab him again when he is actually set to pitch in the majors, fair enough. But wasting a roster spot on this load while he's on a non-DL rehab is an insult to the good name of VR.

Some people will see this segment as wrongheaded charity, helping a team that should be allowed to do this to himself without external check. Others will see it as a wicked plot to get Colon for myself. In fact, it is neither. When I complete my 2008 reign of terror and crush you all under my Italian jackboot, I want it to be despite your best efforts and finest managerial decisions, not because you blundered away a chance at the title with your collective boobery...

DANK FARM NUGS

Two top LM prospects were mentioned in the media in an extremely favorable light this past week...no surprises there.

ESPN fantasy nerd Jason Gray wrote in a chat that "In dynasty formats, I always want the most upside possible...so Kershaw and Porcello. If you want to limit to big leaguers.... Buchholz and Hamels." I like that context, homes, I do indeed.

Jason Heyward led his Rome Braves to Savannah, and the local beat reporter had dick in hand as he wrote this paean: "They'll remember they saw Jason Heyward back when.That's what 2,324 fans at Grayson Stadium on Saturday will be able to say honestly in a few years, most likely when they're watching an Atlanta Braves game. The 18-year-old Heyward, Atlanta's top pick in the amateur draft last year, displayed his considerable talents, smacking two home runs and driving in four runs to lead Rome to a 7-2 victory over the Savannah Sand Gnats. 'I'm having fun. This is a fun job to have,' said Heyward, following a 3-for-5 night that raised his batting average to .326. He was the offensive fireworks before Saturday night's fireworks in the sky."

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Me, the manager, that's who!! In an attempt to emulate DLBP's victorious Week 3 strategy over yours truly, I sat my entire bullpen on Sunday afternoon...only to see Marmol get a vulture win that would have handed that category to me. (On the other hand, this decision spared me the agony of having Nathan's weak Sunday night outing count for more than keeping Morneau out of the batter's box.) Leaving Howard and his usual dose of K's on the bench on Sunday seemed like a good call, too, until he smacked an RBI triple. But honestly, who the hell would have seen that coming?

This week's genius: This was truly a team effort, but some shout outs are required: Maine and Lee for their great starts. Okajima with FOUR freakin' holds!! Crawford and Victorino for a combined 7 steals. Next week, I challenge one of you - or anyone else for that matter - to kick the hell out of FC and earn this honor for your sole enjoyment!

ENDQUOTE

"Consider yourself on notice, Equipe - BI's rolling on the win train now!!"

Thus Bonomatory. Final score: Equipe 13, BI 7.

Mama Jams Speaks, Slobbers A LittleToo

Fine, I'll take the bait. But just because you can get me on the line doesn't mean you can reel me in. I can't help but take personally an affront such as the one laid out in Tommy's Thoughts #5. It reflects a disturbing trend of league-wide antagonism that grows with each passing week, and I call shenanigans on all of it. Below, I present my response to Tommy's Thoughts #5, and follow it up with a plea for civility. I've tried to cut straight to the chase since I've learned the hard way that reading another GM's long-winded diatribe is about as interesting as putting air in your car tires, but of course I have failed. Join me at your leisure.

Why do I whine when a GM misses his minimum IP and mails in a landslide loss to a strong competitor who I hope to beat for a top two spot in the LOWV this year? Because little things add up over a season, and details do indeed matter. Sure it's a long season, but getting a bye in the first round of the 'yoffs is incredibly valuable. We all know how hot or cold streaks impact any given match-up in the H2H format, so don't pile on me for aiming for the bye. And what if I DID end up losing out on the 'yoffs because of tBB's lapse? I'm familiar with the arithmetic of the stochastic, and in the future I'll keep my grief to myself, but that stuff matters in the end.

Next, why does Beatonian love to misquote me? I really don't mind if you take my words to fashion an argument against me. But putting parentheses around someone else's paraphrasing does not constitute a quote. A hazy recollection of a conversation of a year ago is also not a quote, and analyzing it as such, especially when you were on the same side of the argument as I was, is beat. Judas! I know, I know, it's probably no fun to find out or try to remember what I really said, or even simply to ask me about something at all before passing off hearsay as my word, but I'd appreciate it if you at least tried.

And to elaborate, going back to 2004 when I actually started to understand fantasy baseball:

Melvin Mora
Kyle Farnsworth
Justin Morneau
Eric Byrnes
Nate McLouth (I hope)

I'm sorry if I get psyched about some good moves I made over the past few seasons (I swear! Look up the numbers!), but you must live in submarine if you think I'm the only one who does, and I don't think claiming one good move a year qualifies anyone as pompous. And of course I can name many more bad moves I made than good ones, but as you all know me to be, I'd rather get psyched and blow a little hot air over the good than wallow in the bad. But pompous? No, writing a weekly blog post about the genius management of your fantasy baseball team is pompous. I believe the accepted term for my enthusiasm for myself is "braggadocious." And furthermore, labeling me the most pompous GM in the LOWV is like calling LeBron the best black athlete in the NBA. Maybe I got it this year, but the competition is pretty stiff. See?! Another achievement I can be proud of!! You all stink!!

And can we just set the record straight and stop trying to perpetuate the myth that my squad benefits from the holdover of the initial roster valuation more than any of the other pre-keeper era GM's? I have ONE player on my roster from 2006 that actually gives me any kind of advantage, which is just about the average for the league, El Guapo and The Mothership notwithstanding. Every other LU player has been added via trade, auction or the FA pool, just like everyone else's roster. Hanley does happen to be one of the best fantasy players out there, and I've only ever taken partial credit at best for that contract, but unless you count Justin Morneau's $13 contract as a serious advantage (which I don't), Peavy is no steal at $23 and Eric Byrnes' is a fair $3, which, by the way, would be the cost of his contract for whichever GM took him off the FA heap had I dropped him. And those are the ONLY players on my roster that date back to the contracts of my end-of-year 2006 roster. If anyone out there in LOWV GM-land chooses to believe that I've had a good run over the past two years simply because of those four contracts, I don't agree, but if that's your claim then fair enough. And in an effort to reduce my own pomposity, I'll just leave it at that.

I think this has been said enough on Shortpants to be established and accepted as our common understanding, but I'll reiterate here to underscore the point. There are myriad means to enjoy fantasy baseball, too numerous and oft cited to repeat. Personally, I enjoy running my team as if it were a business, and I like a moderately complex framework of rules within which to run it. To navigate those rules with any kind of success gives me pleasure. Yes, I'm a huge, huge nerd. And I'm clearly not alone in that, either. This interest in detail has been the quality that sets this league apart from all other leagues I have been in, and I would not enjoy the LOWV nearly as much if it weren't there. Does that mean that I don't enjoy the friendship aspect of the LOWV? Not even close, and I bristle at the notion. I log on every day to follow the rivalries, the bulletin board, the smack talk, the auction, Shortpants, and the blog posts. I just also like crunching the numbers, too. Like I said, nerd alert, but it's who I am and what I enjoy.

James, I know this issue dates back to a conversation last summer in the wee hours of the morning on Sahl's dock in Norfolk. We were discussing the new rules of the LOWV, the increasing complexity of said rules, and the potential for them to become more complex in the future. For the record, I did not say that I would quit the LOWV if it became more about friendship than competition. If that's the prevailing interpretation of my lobbying for greater complexity in league rules, I apologize for the misunderstanding. I certainly am interested in maximizing my enjoyment of the league, and, as such, in increasing complexity of rules, but I certainly don't begrudge anyone their difference of opinion. If I am of one extreme, then, based on conversations we've had, James is of the other. Neither position invalidates the other, and heretofore they have coexisted peacefully and prosperously, or at least so I thought. If any misgivings persist as the legacy of that conversation, let's nip this flower mid-blossom if it's too late for the bud. I'm just happy to be a part of this collection of handsome genius.

Let this uninteresting, long-winded diatribe of one LOWV GM be a paean to the brotherhood and camaraderie of the LOWV, and let's cast aside our differences of opinion. We can choose to drive a wedge into this lofty butte of baseball-loving, yuck-stirring savants, or we can choose to keep this gorgeous mass of wise-cracking, brain-tingling, mostly-useless talent as beautiful as it was when it was handed to us from the Gods of male bonding on high. I confess I have sinned against this great congregation of men from time to time, but I humbly repent, and I resolve to sin no longer and beseech my peers to do the same. Now let's play (with our) ball(s)!!

Taste My Puddin',
Mama Jams
GM, The Lacey Underalls

Tommy's Thoughts #5

Did I say Wednesday? Naah, I meant Thursday. Silence, critics! You'll take what I give you and like it, whenever I get around to it!

So, the column is late this week because I spent the past few days at a solid waste conference, where I was feted for my genius and invited to speak a few words. With an Albany stripper on each arm and a few globs of horseradish mayo on my lower lip, I shared with the beefy garbagemasters my insights into life, love and the LOWV.

It was a tough call to take so much time away from LM - I was mostly away from the internet for the end of my matchup with tBB and the beginning of my matchup with Lacey. When they asked me to attend last year, I balked - I had to face the defending champ and felt I needed to keep all my attention on the team. But one thick-necked gentleman assured me that I had nothing to worry about.

"We got connections in Jersey," he said. "Trust me, this Kentz will be no problem to you. We'll grease a few palms here, threaten a few moms there, next thing you know, guaranteed win. That mulignan Sabathia would sell his firstborn up the river for a night with our finest hookers!"

What can I say? Two straight years of these made men scaring tBB's pitchers half to death, two straight years of minimum IP failures for the Belt. I will definitely be attending this conference again next year!

LAST WEEK

If not for BB's failure to meet the IP minimum, we still would have triumphed 11-7. Offensive totals were pretty much a draw - 6-5 LM - symbolized by the battle royale between shortstops: Jose Reyes sparkled (4 R, 8 H, 1 2B, 3 3B !!!!, 4 SB, .444, 1.393) but plucky Rafael Furcal managed to mitigate the damage (11 R, 11 H, 2 2B, 1 HR, .393, 1.023). After I properly debunked the myths inherent in Schmentz's demands for Edwin-revenge in last week's Thoughts, Encarnacion cooled off and the continually amazing Chipper was clearly the better 3B in the contest.

Pitching-wise, I dominated even before the IP blunder handed me all the cats, leading 5-2. CC Saba's failure to launch helped offset the mediocre performances of some of my starters. Thanks, NY Federation!

One last thing: My big mouth really got me in trouble with regard to Aquilino Lopez. I plucked this potential holdsman from the wreckage of the Detroit bullpen and he was genius for me for a few weeks. I held my tongue for a while, knowing that his run could end at any time. But last Friday, while out on a drunken bender with Major James Beans, I blurted out that I had found the one jewel in the Comerica dung heap. Later that night, Aquilino surrendered 4 ER in one third of an inning.

I send my regards to the master of BB, currently touring the land of plenty: eastern Spain...

THIS WEEK

Speaking of Major Beans, he can certify that I predicted the unnecessary whining of Mama Jams after tBB failed to make the innings minimum, just a few minutes before it happened. Only the league's most pompous GM would take a blunder that did not affect his team at all as a personal slight. When tBB did the same thing against FC a few years ago, I thought it was hilarious. Basically, unless I finish 6th this season and Lacey finishes 7th, by the margin granted me by Ricky's mistake, last week's outcome won't set LU back in any way, shape or form. As he looks to be cruising to another regular season title - I'm man enough to admit that his team rules - he still is griping about things that are none of his concern.

It's ironic, because team owner N. Lombardicus is truly a Hall of Fame-caliber individual, the finest party-weekend-expense-spreadsheeter on Earth, and a pal I would immediately rally to in a time of need, such as when he forms a posse to throw assholes out of his house for playing his drum kit. But when it comes to fantasy baseball, he has a unique talent at inspiring annoyance in the LM offices. Now, in seeking to be objective, I considered the fact that perhaps I'm just bitter at getting beat by him three times last year, including a brutal 1-hit beat in the playoffs. Perhaps I am just mad that his team is apparently better than mine. And let's not even talk about the ongoing Rich Hill debacle. Perhaps his truth-telling is just too much for me to take. Am I being unfair to Lacey?

To answer this question, I polled a number of league GMs on the following query: Is LU a genius in our midst, or an insufferable jerk? The GMs I talked to included founding members of the league and relative newcomers; title contenders and basement dwellers; friends of Mama and those who barely know her.

Their response was overwhelmingly harsh.

The most charitable comment came from one GM who said, "Let's just say I'm glad it's BB with the dynasty. The choice between an inscrutable genius and a pompous one is a no-brainer." This pretty much skewers the "jealousy" argument, since tBB has a much more positive image leaguewide, despite winning title after title.

I hear through the grapevine that some bitterness remains in some quarters over comments Lacey made last summer, to the effect that if the league became more about friendship than competition, he would quit. Seems like a weird statement to make, since the LOWV has always been based on bonds of mutual affection between owners, and not simply an assemblage of the most hard core fantasy gurus.

One GM put it simply, dubbing Lacey "Clemens of the league," no doubt alluding to his penchant for teen tail and core strengthening. A more voluble GM commented, "Mama Jams is the Idi Amin of the LOWV: Black, sanctimonious, and reviled by the league's Jews. Also has a taste for polygamy and cannibalizing his foes on the diamond. Will execute you on the airwaves and scatter your dismembered corpse in the Nile if you fail to meet minimum IP. All this with a smile on his cherubic face. Uganda salutes you, Mama Jams."

But the most withering response came from a GM whose angry blast took up SIX text messages on my (admittedly crappy) cell phone. "I think he is full of it," he began. "Dude has won the money twice but never the title. I believe the French have a term for that, boeuf. Also, he is impossible to deal with as you have to factor his 'staggering genius' into the value of each of his players and discount all of your players by your own 'baffling mediocrity' and 'obscene luck.' As he once told me straight-faced, 'Every season I make a couple of unquestionably genius moves. Nate McLouth is one of them. That's what separates Lacey from the pack.' Yeah, that or the rules that established the keeper system and valuation system favored your existing roster."

That quote from Lacey is exceptionally damning. I think the verdict is clear. Mama Jams is the most despised GM in the entire league.

Prediction: I am going down, big time - LU has consistently beaten LM recently, and the Penny/Maine and CLee/Wang pitching matchups really screwed me this week. Why would I turn this section into an unvarnished ad hominem attack if I thought I could win this showdown on the merits?

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The biggest surprises in the league right now are Flash and Equipe. Given their lowly ranks in preseason evaluations and their slow starts, many chalked these guys up as cellar dwellers. Not so. Flash scraped and clawed his way past FC last week, winning many categories by just a smidge. It was a really gutsy effort. Equipe's pitching was frickin' outstanding last week, and as he says, "I ALWAYS win holds." Pride goeth before a fall, my nigga!

I'd rather eat glass than inherit VR's bad luck. It's cruel to even discuss this further. What a debacle. WHY is he still holding onto Bartolo Colon?!!?!?

Although you'd think the Mothership/LU matchup would have brought out a better effort from the rivals, given that these are two good teams whose leaders are living under the same roof and all. Instead, pretty mediocre numbers reigned, with the exception of Lacey's TWELVE swipes!

Whoa there Snatty, bam a lam. Santana looks sharp, bam a lam. Lannan smells like farts, bam a lam. Take a look at OC, bam a lam, worst IF in the league, bam a lam. Ho now Snatty, bam a laaaaammmmm! (apologies to FC, I just wanted to keep this joke going.)

D'Lucious stumbled badly last week, with stalwarts like Manny and Rios playing like crap. Don't get used to it, America. Guapo's numbers were kind of weak, but he walked away with a win. Gotta take 'em where you can get 'em!

unB's pitching line last week: 1-4, 44K, 0 Sv, 3 HLD, 6 HR, 6.26 ERA, 1.59 WHIP, 2.10 K/BB. Uh oh, did I just poo myself? Oh, no, that's just the smell of those stats. Bonomatory won some of these categories by staggering margins, and proved to the myriad doubters that his team isn't just Nick Punto and pray for rain...

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

Plainview recently posted an article to the bulletin board about the Dodgers' new autograph policy, implying that I had something to do with this move to cut out the little guy. Trust me, Dan, this is none of my doing. I saw the handwriting on the wall when the McCourts bought the team and since then my work with the Dodge has mostly been in a symbolic capacity. First off, that dumb mick made his WIFE the team president. Are you freaking kidding me? Buzzie Bavasi, she's not.

I figure the team on the field is fine with Torre at the helm, and as for the management, it's a lost cause. That's why I took the job with LM, to distract me from that abomination.

RECOMMENDED READING

If you want to become as knowledgeable about the art of war as Tommy, you can start by reading Shelby Foote's The Civil War: A Narrative. Executive summary of the first two volumes: Capturing Fort Sumter was a blunder, anybody who crossed Lincoln lived to regret it (like the guy who tried to screw him over and got literally sent to Siberia as ambassador to Russia), Lee had gigantic balls, McClellan had little tiny balls, U.S. Grant was a drunken master, Jeff'n Davis was a magnificent shit talker, Stonewall was a hardass and a badass, Longstreet was an excellent Robin but a shitty Batman, the US Navy is a really under-appreciated player, Sherman gets bonus points for being a prescient ginger but serious minus points for burning the fine city of Jackson, MS three different times! Not cool, Redstick, not cool.

Once it gets going, every 50 pages or so there is another gigantic battle with thousands of casualties and kickass generalship on one side or another. It's 3,000 pages and over a million words, but this book is the shit.

SHORTPANTS - MY TAKE

Here's a suggestion for all of you, especially those who can't find the time to keep up with Shortpants. Got an iPod? Got a morning commute? Combine your powers to brighten one morning a week with the Shortpants Radio Show. Ever since I discovered this optimal listening occasion, neither rainstorms nor horrible traffic can ruin the one day a week I can hear Mike and friends discuss LOWV in all its permutations. Magnificent!

In this week's show, Rob Walls claims you cannot find starting pitching in the free agent pool. Bobby, I'd like you to meet my friends: Justin Verlander, Chien-Ming Wang, John Maine, Cliff Lee, and Dustin McGowan.

Sahl suggests during the show that Rusty Hardin didn't advise Clemens against the defamation lawsuit because he wanted to bilk him for as much money as possible. Isn't it conceivable that Clemens just doesn't listen to advice? Hardin is no ambulance-chaser so you've got to think he told Roger this was a bad idea. Clemens was just too pigheaded to listen. I think Rusty has grounds for a defamation suit against Sahl.

Is there anything better than the patented Mike Jones Sigh of Disbelief and Disgust (TM)? I say no. This week, his sighs were joined by genuinely hurt feelings after Daniel Plainview made reference to Mothership's "lengthy belt" in the latest power rankings. I'm pretty sure the boys were spot-on in their interpretation of the fat comment, but what I found most striking about this line they didn't discuss. Shouldn't he have said notches on his GUN? The latter alludes to dueling prowess, the former to bedroom prowess. I'm pretty sure the goal here is to kill each other, not boof each other......right????

I'm quite certain if Mike and Rob were given a nationally-syndicated show tomorrow, with Sahl as producer and regular guest appearances from Schmentz, this would immediately become the best thing on radio.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Rich Hill, demoted to the minors after struggling mightily with his control from spring training on, and being personally responsible for 5 or 6 Lou Piniella hemorrhoids...my only hope is that he can straighten himself out and become 2009's Ervin Santana or Cliff Lee. Lord knows I can't drop him.

This week's genius: Since I can only choose Chase Utley so many times, let's give a shoutout to my main man Carlos Marmol. Season stats - 28 Ks in 21 innings, 2 saves, 8 holds, 1.29, 0.67, 5.60. Do you feeeeeel like I do??

DANK FARM NUGS

I've got an awesome AAA pitcher capable of whiffing 200 guys a year! Only problem is, he's taking up a spot on my 25 man roster. Thanks for nothing, Dick.

ENDQUOTE

"Here comes the Flash! .... Who is the Flash?" Michael Jones

WEEK 5 ROTO-RANKINGS

THE TITS
1.) THE LACEY UNDERALLS (1st Place/ 5th SOS/138H/134P = 296)
The LOWV school bully keeps stealing people’s lunch money week in and week out. This week, he managed to do it to poor little Mikey in some rather unconventional ways – can you say two wins from Papelbon and Six steals from Kemp? However, the truth is there is little to find fault with here other than a slight over reliance on some fast starts and a jettisoning of veteran talent. We’re not saying that LU GM Nicholas Lombardi inadvertently slipped into his bad idea jeans the morning he dropped Giambino and Sheffield; we’re just not quite as certain as that cocky bastard that they’ll finish the season worse than Jacobs, Keppinger, McLouth or Kemp. Also, while the bullpen remains perhaps the strongest in the league, the pitching staff appears to have stumbled a bit last week. )Will the real Micah Owings please stand up?) But hey, when you are riding a hot hand like Mr. Lombardi, you let it ride. Am I right?


UNBUTTONING THE BLOUSE
2.) LASORDA'S MANICOTTI (2nd Place/14th SOS/131H/132P = 277)
Don’t look now…seriously, don’t. It will pain you. LM’s offense is starting to really click and that scares the metrosexual out of us, as that likely foretells massive, debilitating ass-poundings for his future opponents. Two words: Ryan Howard. What’s that you ask? Oh, just the only regular LM starter who didn’t hit over .300 this past week. Now, his pitching was less than stellar this week than typical for Tommy’s Boys, but hey, thanks to Los Español Aventuras di Ricardo…buenos noches mes amigos!

3.) EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU (4th Place/5th SOS/103H/134P = 258)
The slow, steady rise continues for this plucky club of god-fearin’ misfits. This week we noted that Equipe returned to the time-honored strategy of employing six bullpen pitchers, allowing it to drive its ERA and WHIP down to ungodly levels. While we still aren’t completely sold on this vanilla ice cream loving prayer circle jerk, it's clear PMF simply couldn’t handle Equipe's trademark EBRBIAH approach to offense. (Everything But RBIs and Homers) The young and talented outfield just keeps on producing in just about every category, so much so that veteran Equiper Fonzy Soriano rode the bench for much of the week. Rumor has it, the Fonz has jumped the shark as far as Equipe is concerned and is being actively shopped by the team's GM. As for the "break out" by Carlos Quinten, like Guillen, it looks Equipe is going to let it ride until the wheels come off.

4.) FECAL CLATTER (3rd Place/13th SOS/155H/83P = 252)
We know, we know – FC shat the bed against The Flash. But, good god, a “down” week out of FC’s offense would still have beaten more than half the league. This begs the question, where did this offensive juggernaut come from and what did it do with the bracchiophillic GM Christopher David Sahl? One thing is for sure, his undying love for all things young and Arizonian looks like its no longer unrequited. The C&C Music Factory of Jackson and Young just keep on banging out the hits. On the flip side, what the hell happened to the pitching? The worst part for CDS is that the problems are not entirely talent related (although that is a legitimate concern) rather, the majority of the recent damage has been self-inflicted, bone-headed self-flagellation. We hope CDS hasn’t gotten so dong-crazy watching Hart and Young, that he’s forgotten the beauty of a well-pitched week.


CABALLO NEGRO
5.) THE MOTHERSHIP (7th Place/12th SOS/124H/92P = 227)
Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. This week, Mike was gently braised in a balsamic reduction before being paired with organic, pesticide free fiddlehead ferns, a turnip and fingerling mash and a rich, full-bodied bottle of 2004 Bodegas El Nido. I hope LU raised a glass to the middle infield, because it was (uncharacteristically) the Ship's toothpick-wielders who let him down this week. Of course, it also didn’t help that the music (finally) stopped in his pitching rotation's game of musical chairs…leaving Andy Petite, Armando Galarraga, Jeff Francis, Gavin Floyd and Manny Acosta standing around awkwardly holding mediocre results. Still, we’d love to Fukudome anytime, anywhere and we would totally take Kelly Johnson to prom. On a serious tip, we only kid cause we love, Mikey Boy. We know you're built Tonka tough.


PEEPING TOMS
6.) THE FLASH (6th Place/1st SOS/109H/84P = 216)
We know that felt good. After weeks and weeks slogging it out against the toughest schedule in the league, the Flash has a signature victory…and a decisive one at that. In general, The Flash just outproduced FC at every level offensively and managed to eek out some razor thin margins. We tip our cap to a well-managed week and would like to propose a toast to a ridiculously awesome bullpen week. Huzzah! Hell, that almost makes up for the taste left in our mouths after watching Lowe throw over 50 pitches without recording an out in the first on Sunday…almost.

7.) D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES (5th Place/7th SOS/91H/101P = 210)
O Manny, Manny, where for art thou, Manny? Certainly not putting up solid numbers for DLBP. For the first week in recent memory, we saw the limits of bikram yoga and The Secret, and Manny looked disappointingly human. All in all, it was just a tough loss last week to the “Bengie Molina’s Wreckin Shop.” On the bright side, we saw the successful return of Cuddyer to the lineup who promptly put up five RBIs. Really, the offense was actually quite decent, with solid production out of most of the key players; the real let down for DLBP was a pitching staff who failed to record a win. Ouch. For the most part this unfortunate turn was the fault of the (totally absent) supporting offenses and strange, mindnumbing decisions by umpires. To clarify, we are referring specifically to Timmy Lincecum’s “loss” which was caused exclusively by a strange and inexplicable balk call in a 3-2 loss to the Rockies.

8.) POOR MAN'S FART (8th Place/2nd SOS/92H/97P = 209)
Perhaps nothing symbolizes PMF’s struggles so well as Roy Halladay. For the third week in a row, Halladay notched up a CG. However, this was somewhat unusual in one respect: he won. That’s right, this early in the season PMF has already suffered two CG Halladay losses. However, in the end a great pitching week fueled by incredible K-totals and great peripherals just couldn’t quite edge out the numbers put up by a stellar ERdR. On the offensive end, great weeks by Berkman, Pence and Loney fueled a spirited charge that put up top notch power numbers, but fell just short in the on-base peripherals. In the end, PMF has suffered through a brutal schedule and finished just three games under .500. If the offense continues to turn it around (and PMF finds a second basemen he actually likes for more than a day or two) then we expect a surge in the standings as PMF feasts on some weaker competition.


VASOLINE DREAMS
9.) SNATURALS (9th Place/10th SOS/110H/71P = 192)
It defies explanation. Snatty has Hernandez and Inge catching, yet still manages to get a spirited .313 BA and .826 OPS out of his lineup. It’s certainly a head-scratcher trying to figure out where his lineup found 70 hits, but we think the answer lies in the resurgence of David Ortiz. Having Derek Jeter put up 12 hits in a week ain’t so bad either. But, really, against any team other than VR, Snatty would not have fared so well. I mean, who wins the pitching battle with a 3-4 record, 4.14 ERA and only 1 save? This team needs to make a move for starting pitching yesterday.

10.) EL GUAPO (11th Place/11th SOS/77H/95P = 180)
For the second week, the Guapster had to do without ARod, yet somehow he managed to eek out a win. Kudos. He can thank two 11-hit performances out of Rowand and Hermida and the return of the Custino. We definitely feel silly suggesting that Guap cut the Custino after watching him blast moon shot after moon shot last week en route to a 2.076 OPS…unfortunately they were all solo shots. El Guapo’s pitching staff continued its impressive run with Gorzelanny, Haren, Sheets and Meche having impressive outings. Incredibly, Lidge, Percival and Todd Bleepin Jones all recorded saves in the same week. When was the last time that happened? 1998?

11.) THE BANANA BELT (10th Place/3rd SOS/81H/75P = 173)
Deep within the bowels of the League of Women Voters’ Society for Preservation of Humiliation, located in the staid and sober town of Rockport, MA, there resides an encyclopedic Annals of Most Reprehensible Gaffes and Errors to ever occur in the history of this illustrious league. In volume XII, between the dog-eared pages raccounting El Guapo’s oft noted illiteracy and H-Cloud’s expulsion from the league, future historians will find thirty pages of incredulous and apoplectic text penned by Nicholas Lombardi detailing the Banana Belt’s failure to meet the minimum innings requirement in a key matchup against rival LM. It appears Mssr. Lombardi must take up his quill once again, as our defending champion shat the proverbial bed again while living la vida loca.


THE DUNGEON MASTERS
12.) BONOMATORY INFLUENCE (12th Place/7th SOS/74H/70P = 155)
In what was billed as the “Battle of the Titans”, BI emerged victorious over unBeleaguerable. And as much as it shocks us, this was not a hollow victory. Nay, sir. BI actually put up respectable numbers. First off, his boys blasted 10 homers and managed to only strikeout 26 times. That’s fairly incredible. Second, his pitching staff put together one of the best weeks of the season, notching five victories, one CG/SHO and posting a sub 3 ERA. Wowee zowee. We think Hudson, Bonderman and Looper and Kuruda all took umbrage to our comments last week. We tip our cap. To make our crow eating session worse, BI has called up Mad Max Scherzer (who, incidentally, has only walked two batters all year in AAA) and has scheduled him to pitch TWICE against our native team, ERdR. For future reference, let sleeping dogs lie.

13.) UNBELEAGUERABLE (14th Place/7th SOS/81H/57P = 147)
God hates fags. I think that was pretty much proven this week. Oh wait, I mean, god hates Chads. Anyways, I’ve rarely seen a team suffer through all the notable pitching meltdowns in a single week…until now. Cueto, Corpas and Bannister…oh my. Is that a plus 6 ERA for the week? To make matters worse, Phil Huges managed to break a rib while attempting to fellate himself and is now likely to miss as much as two months. To be fair, his offensive numbers aren’t bad (outside of those K-totals), they just aren’t good enough to bouy those atrocious pitching numbers.

14.) VICIOUS RUMORS (13th Place/3rd SOS/71H/58P = 143)
Open letter to Vlad “the impaler” Guerrero, please stop sucking VR dry. It’s painful to watch. You can’t be the highest paid player in the league and put up .167 and a goose egg in just about every offensive category. Sincerely, the rest of the LOWV. Of course, Vlad is just symptomatic of the chronic underperformance that has plagued VR this season. We don’t get it. How can such an enticing core of players, featuring Vlad, Youk and Markakis be so bad? Hopefully, this is just a slow start. A painful, bone crushingly slow start…reminiscent of the great Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919.