Tommy's Thoughts #4

Updated 4/30/08

Attention, attention. A change is being made in the schedule that governs your sorry lives. Tommy’s Thoughts will now be released on Tuesdays, not only for reasons of alliteration, but also to extend the diet of LOWV goodness throughout the week.

Monday, in the aftermath of the weekend’s contests, has always been a day to survey the damage and take measure of the situation around the league, after which the daintier GMs retire to their forts of idiocy. Only the hard core remain, scavenging through the leavings of the great battles. This column is for those vultures of the LOWV, who will not rest until every last Carlos Quentin has been seized…

LAST WEEK

After Week 3’s debacle against the Bitch Pies, I called my staff together to assess our next move. An overwhelming victory over Snaturals was the only way to heal our karmic wounds and quiet the boo birds in the upper deck. I waxed poetic as I spun a web of dreams, imagining an epic double envelopment of the Snatty forces, utterly wiping them out on the bloody plains of LOWV warfare. Bench coach Kirk Gibson brought me back to reality. “You seem to be forgetting that Snatty battled us to a costly stalemate on two occasions last year. He may seem meek, but when he is challenged by his foes from the North Shore he starts talking in a thick Boston accent and immediately commences fighting the odds.”

I poured myself a stiff drink as I realized that everything he was saying was true. I also knew that beyond this matchup was a gauntlet of expected championship contenders: Banana Belt, Lacey Underalls, and Fecal Clatter loomed on the horizon.

Fernando Valenzuela spoke up in broken English, injecting a note of chubby optimism into the proceedings. “Tranquilo, ay. My pitchers gonna sweep Snatty up. Penny and Maine are good to go tonight. You’ll see, ese.”

There came a knock on the door. It was my spy in all things Snatty – a young woman of Asiatic extraction who keeps the residence of GM Major Beans under constant surveillance. She reported that Beans was seen departing for a scouting mission, during which he would evaluate Louisiana’s best prospects with unB’s Chip Mitchell. His return was not expected until later that week.

With the opponent’s helm unmanned, my odds increased. Everything began to come together as I laid the plans for the destruction of Snaturals. Three days crept past, as my pitchers constructed a statistical fortification and my hitters laid low…lulling Snatty’s men into a false sense of security. With their leader absent, they were blind to the preparations that already spelled their doom.

Thursday night arrived, and as it happened I encountered the Major at a social gathering with a number of Boston-area luminaries, gathered in honor of a visit from ERdR GM Daniel Plainview. His skin peeling, his manner uncouth, Beans had just returned from the boozy scouting junket and was evidently distracted from the combat taking place between our forces at that very moment. “How many points are you beating me by?” he asked me offhandedly. I muttered something about the score being a toss-up – as it then was – cautious not to alert him to the peril at hand.

Round about 10:30 PM, Major Beans said his good nights, insisting that his energy was wholly drained, although observers noted it was a curiosity that he had just enough energy to stay up until his ladyfriend’s bedtime. Noting his retirement from the field, I ordered my minions to press the attack. Beans “followed the feline” (North Cambridge saying) off to dreamland, while I sat on the veranda with Plainview and our shared spiritual advisor Reverend Per Smith discussing matters large and small until the wee hours of the morning. We smoked many a fine Cuban cigar and argued vehemently over whether Dana Eveland sucks (I say he does, Plainview says he’s as good as Dustin McGowan) and other questions of critical significance.

As Snatty snuggled and slumbered, LM surged and slaughtered. By the end of the night, Cliff Lee had thrown a CG SO against the Royals, LM had taken a massive lead, and we never relinquished it.

Awakening the next day, no doubt to regard the yawning deficit with horror, Beans ordered wave after wave of SPs to attack the now-impregnable LM defenses. What he was after, I’m not sure – the W category that I offered him as bait? A miracle CG SO? It didn’t happen. From the good (Randy Johnson, Ervin Santana) to the bad (Barry Zito) to the ugly (Livan Hernandez, Ross Ohlendorf), Snatty’s pitchers only managed to gain Ks, and gave up L, HR, and any chance at the averages in the process. My offense, still fatigued from the 16-homer effort against DLBP, managed to do just enough to keep Johnny Damon and friends from mounting a comeback.

The victory was complete with a 17-5 final score. Snatty's forces lay mortally wounded on the field of battle - Zito to the bullpen, Posada to the DL. Outside of the time tBB failed to make his innings minimum, this is the team's greatest victory since I assumed command of the franchise before the 2006 season. Huzzah! An extra ration of whiskey for everyone!

Oh yeah...good game, Jamo buddy. Porch cookout this weekend?

THIS WEEK

We'll have our hands full with our friendly rival and perennial LOWV champ Banana Belt this week. An analysis of last week's stats reveals that a Week 4 LM/BB matchup would have concluded with a 13-4-4 victory for LM, but I am not buying that shit for a second. First off, my pitching stats were abnormally strong, and yet LM was barely better in several categories. Deeper analysis reveals that BB's pitching stats would have been downright record-setting if Francisco Liriano hadn't shit the bed against Oakland, allowing six runs and recording only two outs. Other than 3 runs allowed by Adam Wainwright in a CG, these were the only runs allowed by BB's staff all week. That's frightening.

One advantage I have on paper is that BB's offense has not gotten going at all this year, consistently posting OPS numbers below .800, with all the attendant frustration that comes with so little pop. Apparently, Schmentz has decided to remedy this by convincing former LMer Edwin Encarnacion that he should harbor a grudge against me, and to encourage him to unleash hell in order to gain "revenge." So far it seems like this might actually work, as Edwin had a huge Monday night.

The only problem is, it makes no sense. I signed Edwin two years ago, when he was nobody, shoving Mike Lowell out of the way to give him a job. He got a full share of the winnings from the 2006 regular-season title, and I even looked the other way when he spent it all on video games and fried dough. Then in that offseason, I traded him for pre-slump Vernon Wells, demonstrating that I thought he was so valuable that only an All-Star would pry him from my grip. Meanwhile, Rick referenced this trade only weeks ago as an example of a BB blunder - as he called it, a "highly questionable trade," if not an outright "bad trade." Edwin, if you're looking to take revenge on someone, how about your current owner, who apparently thinks you suck AND thinks you're stupid enough to fall for his mind games! A bushel of GIDP should teach him a lesson he'll never forget!

Prediction: toss-up. Some of the gayer categories will probably decide the winner here.

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The Lacey Underalls demonstrated the #1 key to success in the LOWV this week, when his team absolutely mailed in a game against the Flash but only lost by the narrow score of 9-8. It's impossible to ensure that your team won't have terrible weeks, but you must prevent the season-crippling blowout losses at all costs to contend for first place in the standings. Although Mama Jams was asking late in the week "How am I still in this?", the answer is obvious - a deep, balanced roster that offers insurance against smackdowns. Flash's 2,340,721 first basemen finally provided him with some offense this week, but it's tough to win convincingly when you can't take a single pitching category.

Despite severe power outages, FC beat BI badly. The decline continues for the 0-4 BI, and the 4-0 FC continues to dominate the competition. In Bonomatory's defense, the latest Record Book tabulations declare that he has faced the league's toughest schedule. (The softest schedule thus far? Mine!)

Poor Man's Fart pounded unBeleaguerable last week, just the latest chapter in a blood feud that dates back to untoward comments made about significant others back in 2006, about which PMF can still summon red-faced rage as quickly as you can snap your fingers. unB's pitching line was particularly gruesome - 3-8, 12 HR, 5.86 ERA, 1.66 K/BB. But the turning point came when PMF GM Bobby Walls simply printed out the two-year-old offending emails, crossed out his woman's name and wrote in the name of Lance Berkman's wife, and then "accidentally" left the emails in Lance's locker. After a merciless four-homer barrage from a furious Berkman, the game was effectively over.

Curtis Granderson's return keyed ERdR to an absolutely huge win over cross-town rival El Guapo, even as Daniel Plainview was traveling across the country for a weekend-long social function. Folks, this is just the latest demonstration that excuses are meaningless in the LOWV. "I had to leave town," is no way to explain a defeat. Similarly, "My kids are sick with Spanish flu," and "Killer bees stung my penis 200 times in a freak attack" are not valid excuses when your team goes into the tank. Persevere, assholes!

Moship's offense looked great, but his pitching was stank, against tBB. This is turning into the LOWV's bitterest rivalry since the glory days of DLBP/Guapo last season, with shit talk flying on the message board, radio show, and through any number of back channels. The showdown was a bit anticlimactic though - while the overall score was very close, very few categories were in doubt down the stretch.

The clubhouse of Vicious Rumors disintegrated into finger-pointing and recriminations after a fourth consecutive loss, this time at the hands of DLBP. Apoplectic GM Dominic Rosetti declared "This shitpile has multiple candidates for LVP, you sorry sack of fuckin' bums." Maybe a roster overhaul could begin by jettisoning the dead weight that is Bartolo Colon? Seriously, dude.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

"What about ERdR selling himself short in the last power rankings? Hope Tommy's as apoplectic as Yurwurstz about it."

This is a classic case of misdirection. Fecal Clatter GM Yurwurstz Nachtmarz is attempting to stir some shit, appealing to the always-relevant strain of ERdR-bashing in the LOWV. This is because a scandal is about to break that will humiliate him in the eyes of the league.

No doubt by now you've heard about l'Affaire Clemens-McCready, a tawdry affair that began with a 28-year-old father of two and a 15-year-old aspiring country star alone in a Fort Myers hotel room.

What you probably DON'T know is that the biggest Clemens fan in the LOWV has his own embarrassing affair with a musical ho to be ashamed of. Yes, that's right - for years now, Nachtmarz has been the subservient man-groupie to former ABBA star Agnetha Fältskog!

Many have wondered why a GM of infinite knowledge and resources has never won so much as a regular-season crown. Now the truth can be told. The jealous, shrewish Fältskog summons Nachtmarz to her Nordic pleasure palace every time the success of FC threatens her status as the #1 concern in his life. Next thing you know, his back is covered with welts from her cat-o-nine-tails and FC is in the crapper again.

You heard it here first!

SHORTPANTS - MY TAKE

Coming soon in an update tomorrow. I was bed-ridden yesterday with a case of gout and haven't gotten a chance to hear the latest ep yet, but I surely will have soon. Don't complain, I'm giving you something to look forward to. Ungrateful dicks!!

Update: This was a truly solid episode. I was stuck in horrible, horrible, horrible traffic on my way to the ballpark this morning, which usually puts me into a murderous rage. However, I grinned the whole way because I had this Shortpants cued up. The combo of irrepressible Jones, effusive Walls and steady Sahldog is truly lightning in a bottle.

For the record, my comment of "Zzzzz" last week was only meant to indicate the lack of Shortpants since my last commentary, but even then it was a bit uncalled for. After all, Mike, the Madman et al have given us literally DAYS of entertainment over the past year. And I bitch after a brief dry spell? From now on I intend to show a little more respect. Just a little, though.

Highlights: Mike's laborious and condescending sighs as he reads Equipe's comments. Mets discussion - any time the Mets are discussed with Rob Walls in the room, I enjoy it. Sahl nervously crying out, "We can make all the rules committee emails public tomorrow!" The discussion of the change in tBB - from unassuming to boastful. The use of the Record Book feature to praise and denigrate various teams.

I don't even have anything to take issue with this week. Just a really solid episode packed with substance and amusement. Well done, boys.

DANK FARM NUGS

Known mastermind David Chadd holds forth about the first time he set eyes on top LM prospect Rick Porcello:

"Chadd, the scouting director, and several other Tigers officials caught a flight to New Jersey and watched the high school right-hander plow through a game. A 77-pitch perfect game, that is. And he was throwing 95 mph in the sixth. 'He had a clean delivery, he was 6-foot-4 and he was very athletic,' Chadd said. 'The day I was there, he had a plus breaking ball and a change-up he could throw for a strike. You just don’t see that type of guy come along that often.'"

Oh - sorry, I didn't see you there. I didn't mean to jerk off in front of you like that. My B.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Nobody. Our only shortcoming this week was a lack of power, but that can hardly be faulted when LM still leads the league in homers. Well done, gentlemen. You'll need that all-around mastery to defeat our next three opponents!

This week's genius: Cliff Lee, whose ERA, WHIP and K/BB continue to astound as he outdueled sabermetric darling Brian Bannister this week. This FA acquisition is quickly becoming my most reliable starter. However, I will listen to trade offers from the more desperate teams out there. Honorable mention: Carl Crawford, who singlehandedly beat the Red Sox in a game last week by hitting two triples, then walking in the 11th, stealing second and scoring the winning run.

ENDQUOTE

"Healthy trash-talk is a vital pillar of the Temple of Sport, and as with the Acropolis its erosion portends the downfall of our civilization...Some people are going to say trash-talk is the last refuge of the desperate. You can see those people coming a mile away, in their tweed coats with the Morning Edition Travel Mugs. To them I say, 'Since when did the spirit of competition become some kind of wet nurse for the weak?' Pointing out an adversary's flaws is a tradition as old as wife-stealing. So, whenever sporting, never hesitate to dish out heaping servings of hearty smack-pie." - Stephen Colbert, I Am America! (And So Can You!)

POWER RANKINGS

Another week, another power rankings. Some major movements in this one. As with last week, these numbers represent the standings of the LOWV if it were more of a rotisserie league, meaning that the offensive and pitching numbers are turned into raw numbers and the teams are ranked according to those totals. We have also provided the current place in the standings and the current strength of schedule based on the raw numbers.

TOP DOGS
1.) THE LACEY UNDERALLS (2nd Place/11th SOS/115H/137P = 269)
Although still the bee's knees, LU suffered a fairly humiliating loss to the Flash this past week. That offensive stinker must have left Mama Jams questioning the focus of her boys. Should Mama J have traded away McClouth when she had a chance? Was she too infatuated with that little cherubic blond? Still, even with that setback, LU sports the third best offense and, by quite a margin, the best staff in the league. As far as we are concerned, they are still the tits.

2.) LASORDA's MANICOTTI (3rd Place/12th SOS/115H/128P = 258)
We had a feeling that the sting of last week's loss would jump start the LM. We almost felt sorry for the Snatties getting slated in the butcher block, but c'est la vie. The bargain basement pitching staff has moved up to second spot in point production and is really putting it together for LM causing frustrating for their opponents. A Cliff Lee CG, SHO was just the most recent icing on the cake. This team will start to hit closer to their capabilities soon, and that's scary considering they're "only" the third best offense in the game right now. Our only concern, talk about an easy schedule...wake us up when you play a contender, Tommy.

CONTENDERS
3.) FECAL CLATTER (1st Place/13th SOS/128H/93P = 237)
Seems a little low to place the first place team here at third in the power rankings, right? Well, consider it punishment for beating up on the dregs of the league. Now, that's not to say the numbers are completely hollow, as FC continues its unprecedented march to victory in just about every offensive category week in and week out. They are still the best in the biz when it comes to hitting, no doubt, however, there are some cracks in the armor. Those weekly totals are sinking, ever so slightly, and the gulf between FC and the production of other team's no longer seems insurmountable. Time will tell whether it was just a fast start out of the gate by FC, or the dawn of a new era for Christopher David Sahl. Other good news? The pitching staff has started to show some life. Yes, we are looking at you Mssr. Santana.

4.) THE MOTHERSHIP (5th Place/14th SOS/122H/100P = 233)
Our dark horse keeps on rising, as tBB becomes just yet another notch on its lengthy belt. The offense keeps on cranking and we keep on laughing. Who knew an offensive juggernaut could be driven by a collection of misfit 2Bers? Perverse. Anyways, normally, we would be concerned about Mikey's boys benefiting from the easiest schedule in the league, but we've noticed that he has trouble with public criticism...so we'll lay off our resident idiot savant. I keed, I keed.

5.) D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES (4th Place/3rd SOS/94H/113P = 230)
Put up one of his worst offensive weeks of the season, yet still managed to squeeze out a victory. That my friends is the sign of a go getta. Somehow, the DLBP has managed to face the third best schedule and best the majority of them. He's got a pitching staff that will melt your face and make your eyes bleed and a hitting staff powered by our favorite love guru, Manny Ramirez.

DARK HORSE
6.) EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU (6th Place/2nd SOS/77H/127P = 226)
Curtis "Baseball Jesus" Granderson didn't waste anytime reminding everyone why ERdR spent weeks praying for the speedy recovery of their messiah. They were not disappointed, as Baseball Jesus took the field on Tuesday and in the short week remaining managed to complete the LOWV cycle, blasting two home runs, a triple, a pair of doubles, several singles and scoring a half dozen runs. Oh, and those Carlos Quentin and Casey Kotchman guys were pretty good, too. Now, if the offense can continue the upward trajectory -- it has climbed from the cellar up to mediocre in a week -- and complements the top notch ERdR pitching staff, this team could really make some noise. Biggest problems so far have been a grueling schedule and a rash of unfortunate incidents and accidents.

OUTSIDE LOOKING IN
7.) POOR MAN'S FART (7th Place/6th SOS/92H/83P = 191)
PMF has slogged it out week in and week out against some of the toughest teams in the league, and took advantage of a much deserved break in the schedule. While the matchup remained close down the stretch, solid pitching and hitting peripherals and a HR explosion drove the PMF over unB this past week -- and probably maintained PMF's sanity. We are still concerned about the sheer number of injuries that PMF is suffering through and the sluggish start to the offense, but it appears that PMF may be turning the corner on the later.

8.) THE FLASH (9th Place/6th SOS/86H/88P = 188)
Winner of the biggest upset of the week, the league's leader in first baseman finally saw that pay off. An offensive explosion it was not, as LU still managed to win the power categories, but Flash showed off a renewed patience at the plate and made solid contact all week. On the pitching end, Flash managed to work his bullpen and a series of ground ball pitchers to win saves and HRs given up. Smart managing.

THE CELLAR DOOR
9.) SNATURALS (11th Place/5th SOS/73H/70P = 157)
Gotta feel for the Snats, not only does he return incredibly hung over and sun-burned from the Big Easy, but he is served with a shellacking as well. Jimmy Beans' squad has faced one of the tougher schedules this season and his record bears this out. The team isn't doing too badly when it comes to production, it just seems like they can't all get on the same page week in and week out. Now, if Big Papi is really back, that might make up for the fact that he's playing without a catcher...maybe.

10.) UNBELEAGUERABLE (13th Place/3rd SOS/78H/64P = 156)
Lost the grudge match of the season, which has got to sting. An anemic offense and a pitching staff which gave up 8 losses sealed the New Orleans squad's fate. This was not UnB's best effort by any stretch of the imagination. The question is whether that was a result of bad luck, bad prep, or just the perils of rookie inconsistency? Evan Longoria looked great, Billy Butler did not...who knows where the future lies?

11.) EL GUAPO (12th Place/8th SOS/50H/96P = 155)
Poor Guap ran into a freight train this past week and has been seen limping around school, carrying an inflatable donut for his posterior. The worst part for El Guapo was that he put up amazing offensive numbers, number that would have destroyed 12 out of the 14 teams this week, AND all without A-Rod. Oh well, life isn't fair.

12.) THE BANANA BELT (8th Place/8th SOS/71H/69P = 153)
Everyone always asks, "why you hatin' on tBB?" We aren't hating, we're just keeping it real. Right now, tBB's pitching staff has produced some real mediocre numbers. Of course, that is largely due to them being young, injured or in the minors...all of which points to a potentially explosive second half -- or a complete collapse of the dynasty. It's either one or the other, we're not sure. Now, that offense is starting to click...and that scares the bejesus out of us, but it's not there yet. But, we would be lying if we didn't admit that writing this felt a bit like chanting "Bloody Mary" into a mirror on Friday the 13th. When you find our skinned, bloodless corpses hanging from the rafters, you know what happened.

THE BASEMENT
13.) VICIOUS RUMORS (10th Place/1st SOS/52H/56P = 127)
Hardest schedule in the LOWV isn't really a good enough excuse. Those raw numbers don't lie, VR has series issues on both ends of the spectrum, for sure, but there is an argument to be made that much of this is just the unholy culmination of several horrific starts.

14.) BONOMATORY INFLUENCE (14th Place/5th SOS/41H/60P = 112)
Bonomes, Bonomes, Bonomes...the offense is more anemic than Ashley and Mary Kate. The pitching is more anonymous than a bestiality support group. Trades must be made, the wheel must be righted and pointed affirmatively toward the future.

Shortpants XXVIII -- The Lacey, The Clatter & The Santa Mothershipia

Shortpants embarks on a new direction as our host grapples with contender-dom. PMF and FC join Mike for a careful dissection of all things LOWV. In addition to on-field performance, trading blocks are mocked, power rankings are shamed, and free agent acquisitions are pooh-poohed. Huh huh huh huh huh. New direction.


Shortpants XXVIII

(New technology has been used to add chapters and pictures in an attempt to make the show more professional, if such a thing is possible. Please inform The Madman about any problems.)

Tommy's Thoughts #3

I'm releasing the column a day later than usual. I wanted to give you guys some time to ponder the implications of the new power rankings, and besides, I spent Monday chilling out and celebrating Patriotism. Since LM headquarters are in the fair Commonwealth of Massachusetts, the organization gets Patriots' Day as a paid holiday. To everyone out there who doesn't enjoy this patriotic bonus, it sucks to be you!

The day off gave me a chance to clean up my home office, which I trashed last night after DLBP's shocking Sunday comeback. While sweeping up shards of glass from several shattered picture frames and plastering over the multiple holes I punched in the wall, it occurred to me - last week's loss was a hell of a lot like the shellacking the British Army took in Concord a few hundred years ago.

Let's recap, since I know you ignoramuses have no idea what I'm talking about.

LAST WEEK


The biggest, meanest army in the world marches into territory they've long dominated. Expecting token resistance, they set their sights on the rebel leaders and their stash of weaponry. However, having squandered the element of surprise, they find their would-be prisoners have flown the coop. They march on to capture the cannons, but suddenly find themselves assailed on all sides by common men armed to the teeth. While the vaunted fighting force attempts to fight in a conventional manner, the rebels' guerrilla tactics leave them helpless and confused. They flee for their base and are only saved from a complete rout by last-minute reinforcements.

The Battles of Lexington and Concord...or LM vs. DLBP week 3?

Going into the week, I had my team geared up to outslug Manny Ramirez and outhit Jimmy Rollins, thinking that would be the key to beating DLBP. As late as Saturday, this plan was working perfectly - mammoth performances from Chipper Jones and Chase Utley totally neutralized Manny's similarly amazing line. Rollins, struggling with an injury, had one hit all week. LM smacked the cover off the ball and delivered our best performances yet on the pitching end. The score was strongly in our favor - 14-1 one day, 11-5 the next. And yet...

That John Forest is a sly devil. Although he potentially had much to lose, he trotted out Jair Jurrjens and Tim Wakefield on Sunday, while confining C.J. Wilson to the bench in a totally genius move. Meanwhile, he coached up his offense to go after some of the less awe-inspiring statistical categories. When the smoke cleared from the LM offensive barrage - 16 dongs is a new one-week high for the 2008 LOWV season - we were stunned to find ourselves on the short end of an 11-8 stick. DLBP's secret: capturing most of the pitching categories, and offensive stats like SB, 3B, K and GIDP. The guys on his roster I thought would matter, mattered not. His offense eluded my grasp.

Safely benched, Wilson's Sunday afternoon meltdown left no blemish on the Pies' line, while the starters and 'pen came up with 3 wins and ridiculously low ERA and WHIP to dominate the pitching cats. If it wasn't for LM free agent pickups like Cliff Lee - the Lord Percy-equivalent in this increasingly strained metaphor - it could have gotten really ugly. As it stands, we will retreat to lick our wounds after a painful defeat.

As difficult as it is for me to admit, DLBP should now rightfully rank above LM in any evaluation of the teams to this point. A combination of excellent roster-building (with a special tip of the hat for picking Jurrjens in the second round of the rookie draft) and fine team management can be credited for the win. Well done, D'Lucious. You asshole!

THIS WEEK

Bluster Foney ranked Snaturals 8th, just four spots behind LM, in yesterday's power rankings. That's all well and good, but an analysis of our Week 3 stats shows a wide disparity between the two teams - LM would have taken it 14-5, with Snatty taking 2B, 3B, offensive K, GIDP, and pitching K. While Ortiz has awakened from his slumber, it's unclear if his breakout will be able to close the gap in HR (16 to 4) or OPS (.960 to .804) between our clubs last week. Hint: no.

Still, Snatty is not to be underestimated. Last year he won our two matches with an aggregate score of 19-18, including a 9-9 tie towards the end of the season. How the hell did this happen? I'm still at a loss to explain it. It seems to me that this stat is the Ocasek/Poriskova of last year's season. The more you think about it, the less it makes sense and the more your mind hurts. Move along, nothing to see here.

Keys to victory this week: Keep mashing. Keep that bullpen intact. Keep grabbing quality FAs while Snatty canoodles with his woman and flies off on vacations. Keep that child molester Orlando Cabrera away from LM's ball girls.

If we don't win a solid victory this week, there will be floggings.

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

Lacey Underalls: 43-13-10. Peaver and K. Felix dominant. Fuck me!! I had to watch my DVD of the 2006 LOWV season just to get my emotions in check.

FC vs. PMF matched top offense against top pitching, though the latter has been hindered by injuries. The result was a predictably close 12-9 score. PMF did well to hold the line against the absurdly hot bats of the Clatter, but the Poor Man still finds himself looking up at teams like Guapo and BB, who he has seemingly outplayed thus far this year, but against a much tougher schedule. On the plus side for Bobby Walls: Doumit and Doumit and Doumit well.

Just one week after an encouraging victory over Guapo, the wheels came off for unB and he was destroyed by Equipe. Not only did this loss drop unBeleaguerable to his customary 13th in the standings, it also allowed ERdR to inexplicably claim that it is the 7th best team in the league. Hahhahahahahaa, no seriously, hahahahaahaaaa stop you're killing me.

I'm not sure that Bonomatory Influence's roster would even make a decent major league team.

Who did BB blow to get his schedule? The defending champ still has yet to post impressive numbers but notched his second straight win over an increasingly desperate Flash and his 203,893 first basemen. Pinning his hopes on Gallardo, Liriano and Bailey is an incredibly risky strategy. But who are we kidding - this GM is so persistent, he almost talked his way into Mike Jones' quarters after dark. (Quoth the skipper of Mothership: "Dude, you're crossing a line here.") Do NOT count the champ out. Rick is already tinkering with his team, grabbing Nick B-burn and kicking tires on trade possibilities across the league.

Speaking of The Mothership, folks, this run is for real. Jones' talent evaluation skills are clearly on point this season, with his big auction prize Fukudome kicking ass and newly-slim Boof Bonser falling off the roster, just as predicted. After handling Snatty, Mikeman is up to 3rd place and likely to stay in playoff contention as some perennial powers still struggle to pull themselves together. The only thing missing from this Cinderella story are some epic boasts on Shortpants to accompany the team's 32-22-12 record.

Snatty and unB continue to rival one another for most dingers yielded - by my calculation they are now even at 26. (The Record Book feature is sweet but they sure do take their sweet time updating that shit.)

Two bad offenses battled to a draw in the Guapo/VR tilt. Guapo won a convincing victory by virtue of his solid pitching staff, including an excellent outing from Zach Grienke. VR tallied no holds and no saves, keeping his team in contention for the worst bullpen of 2008.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

When is a slump not a slump? When it's a conspiracy involving vagina.

Ryan Howard's early season lull is not unusual; it often takes top sluggers a while to round into form, and we at LM have little doubt that as the temperature warms and the ABs mount, RyHow will again be cranking bombs out of the yard on a nightly basis.

However, we didn't make it to the playoffs two straight years by crossing our fingers and wishing for luck. LM leaves no stone unturned when it comes to ensuring success. And recently, we've begun to wonder if Howard's April swoon isn't purely due to early-season rust. Turns out that instead of honing his stance and watching video on opposing pitchers, Howard is working his fingers raw sending texts to a piece of pale Philly tail - and LM security has become very concerned that the young lady in question has an ulterior motive...

Following up on anonymous tips and Internet message board gossip, LM operatives have determined that this woman, known to us thus far only by a pseudonym, "Wet Blanket Wanda," has captivated young Ryan with her feminine wiles and feminine boobs. "He's texting her all the time, sending her tickets," reports my source. Ready for the bombshell? WBW's roommate is the sister of an LOWV general manager! Freak coincidence, or malevolent plot to derail LM's season?? I think you know the answer.

In case you're curious about LM's strategy in these types of situations, I will refer you to Season III, Episode 10 of The Wire.

(In general, we take most of our organizational cues from Marlo Stanfield.)

SHORTPANTS - MY TAKE

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Frank Thomas. The Big Hurt flew off the handle this week when he learned that LM's Thursday lineup included an idle Jeff Kent at UTIL, while Frank sat the pine. He stormed into my office with his chubby face filled with rage. "Tommy, what the fuck?!" he cried, all pissy because I started a guy with an off-day instead of him. I tried to calmly explain that we had huge leads in all the categories he's good at and needed to preserve our averages and K totals, but he just kept bitching, so after about 30 seconds I blew out of my chair and we were into a full-scale screaming match. I called him a washed-up, slow-bat, Mitchell-report-snitching mother fucker; he called me some names that I won't repeat here, because it's MY goddamned column!

Needless to say, we agreed to disagree, and I cut that AARP-card-carrying shit bird before the week was out.

This week's genius: Larry "Chipper" Jones, whose Week 3 line was enough to make a grown man cry. 6 R, 13 H, 2 2B, 4 HR, 7 RBI, 3K / 1 GIDP, .565 AVG, 1.774 OPS. Honorable mention: The magnificent Chase Utley, who as of this writing has homered FIVE games in a row. Gentlemen, to you I say: You're the best! Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down! You are to fantasy baseball what this clip is to Bollywood musical numbers.

DANK FARM NUGS

Some draft picks, like Jurrjens and Cueto, are already making news in the LOWV. All the while, Hershiser's Heroes continue to simmer on the back burner. So far, it looks like Orel's charges are still on track for major league stardom. Our hurlers are straight-up dominant. Rick Porcello is assassinating hitters in high-A (0.64 ERA in 3 stars: 12K in 14 innings), leading Jim Leyland to say "This is a different cat. He's not in awe of anything." Phillippe Aumont was untouchable in a lengthy outing for the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers and Aaron Poreda induced many a ground ball to lead the Winston-Salem Warthogs to victory.

On the offensive end, Jason Heyward continues to see the ball well, and Josh Vitters smacked three dubs in his first game with Class A Peoria, a city I have obliterated hundreds of times while playing the video game Rampage.

I know you don't care now. But like Mothership last year, you'll soon come running into my arms for a bushel of my fine, fine prospects in exchange for some 30something on your roster...

ENDQUOTE

"Wanger's been on a tear, though." Chris Sahl, convincing me to lay aside my doubts and start Chien-Ming Wang against the Red Sox on 4/16.

Wang's line? 4 IP, 8 ER. Thanks for the advice, commissioner of lies.

WEEK 3 POWER RANKINGS

Another week has come and gone, so it's time to take a look at the league and assess what we have learned so far. The standings don't tell the whole story, so we've compiled a power rankings based on the raw offense and pitching numbers. Enjoy.

TOP DOG
1.) THE LACEY UNDERALLS
Driven by the best pitching squad in the LOWV and the second best offense, there is no question that LU is the cat's pajamas. Only real question so far is can the LU keep it going against top notch competition? So far he's only faced middling to weak competition. Still, his raw numbers are mind boggling.

CONTENDERS
2.) FECAL CLATTER
Offense, offense, offense. Those are the three words at the heart of FC's early dominance. For longtime fans this poses somewhat of a headscratcher as GM Chris Sahl has traditionally been known as a tosser rather than a swinger. This season though, he has the best offense in the LOWV and an average pitching staff. Like LU, FC's been beating up on a light schedule, but his raw numbers can't really be argued with.

3.) D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES
Sporting the snazzy third best offense and the fifth best pitching, DLBP is showing a renewed commitment to balance in 2008. The best part: DLBP has tested their metal against some of the top teams in the league, so those aren't just hallow numbers. The big questions are will Aaron Hill and others continue to surprise and can DLBP survive injuries to key players?

4.) LASORDA'S MANICOTTI
Like DLBP, LM's strategy appears to be one of balance. Featuring the third best collection of arms and the fourth best bats, LM is off to a quick start...all without much of anything from Russ Martin or Ryan Howard, yet.

DARK HORSE
5.) THE MOTHERSHIP
A team built on blue chips and high risks -- The Mothership is a fun team to watch. Young gamers like Hamilton, Fukudome and Kelly Johnson make this a young and exciting team to follow, while experienced veterans like Jason Veritek and John Smoltz show us they can still compete at a very high level. The real question is whether the Ship's staff and pen can hold it together down the stretch.

TEAMS TO WATCH
6.) POOR MAN'S FART
While this team balances its strengths between arms and bats, it also shows weaknesses in both. A large part of this is due to an unlucky rash of injuries to several key players, including Bedard, Lackey and Harden. Help may be on the way in the near future though as Cameron Maybin could get the call up sometime next month.

7.) EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU
The poster child for rough starts, Equipe started the season with back-to-back weeks against LU and FC, meaning its record is a bit skewed. Built on the league's second best pitching staff, Equipe is about as unbalanced as they come, but its raw numbers mean they'll always be a tough out. The staff has been lights out and the bullpen is once again on of the best in the league, however the offense has produced the fewest hits and RBIs for the third week in a row. Injuries have left their mark on the roster, but things need to improve soon if Equipe hopes to contend. On the bright side, Granderson could return early this week and Lowell appears to be on the horizon. Bad news, Soriano is down...again.

OUTSIDE LOOKING IN
8.) SNATURALS
Joe Borrowski, Barry Zito...enough said. Strangely though, Snaturals' rotation has actually been quite respectable despite the efforts of those two jokers. The real problem for the big Snatty has been the Big Papi. However, Snats can't blame it all on the big man, most of the team's hitters have struggled out of the gate. The good news -- in the past couple days, Big Papi seems to have found his groove again. Hopefully, the rest will follow.

9.) UNBELEAGUERABLE
UnB is blessed and cursed by all the young talent on its roster. While they are exciting and electric at times, they are consistently inconsistent. Strikeouts are certainly plentiful on this roster. Hopefully for the UnB, the hot starts by Carlos Guillen, Billy Butler and Pat the Bat continue on and inspire the struggling Rickie Weeks to refind his form.

10.) EL GUAPO
Two questions pose themselves when you study Guapo's roster. First, will the Barry Bonds lottery ticket finally pay off? Certainly looks like it could with Toronto cutting Frank Thomas. Second, how could he not have called up Bowker from his Junior League squad? Not only has the young slugger hit three bombs and driven in nine runs in only 22 at bats, but the GM played high school ball with the kid and even has been his guest to Giant's games. No respect.

STRUGGLING
11.) THE FLASH
Mediocre offense and mediocre pitching leads to mediocre results.

12.) THE BANANA BELT
Pitching has been the biggest problem. The worst arms in the league are dragging down a consistently decent offense.

NEEDS HELP
13.) VICIOUS RUMORS
14.) BONOMATORY INFLUENCE

Tommy's Thoughts #2

New logo, bitches!

I note with disgust that the blog was not updated since I last shared my wisdom with you. What happened, folks?

Surely Bluster Foney must be able to fictionalize some event in Neil Corcoran’s life or the greater zeitgeist into a complicated tapestry of adventure starring Daniel Plainview! (How about “Hanley Ramirez jersey found buried under the locker room of the new Equipe stadium”? Shit writes itself!)

No Shortpants uploads from LaJaquardes N. Pulitzerface? Still working on a pun for the blog post subject? And I can’t remember the last time Leith “Nob Reyer” Kaw or Stayson Jarque chimed in. Basically an all-around pathetic effort in keeping this leaky blog afloat. Shame on you all…

LAST WEEK

Would you believe that halfway through the week I thought we were headed for a narrow defeat? No chance! LM lowered the hammer on Vicious Rumors, winning 13-6. After a few days of back-and-forth, my boys dropped the gloves over the weekend. No offensive category went uncontested, our premium closers exposed VR’s bullpen, and our SPs did just enough to keep us in the game. By Saturday, VR was openly whining. “My heralded infield went a combined 0/20 today. Awesome.”

While I wholly understand his frustration with early-season offensive suckage, and in fact sympathize, one thing I will not abide is his pathetic appeals to our owner’s Red Sox allegiance when a key head-to-head matchup is on the line. “I hope you’re happy Wang is throwing a no-no against your beloved Boston Red Sox,” bristled VR.

Thankfully our owner, the wise and powerful Beatonian, was unswayed by this nonsense, and replied in a blistering telegram, “You bet your ass I’m happy. Wang’s career numbers in Fenway are poo, but we trusted him anyway, after crunching all the numbers and top-secret algorithms, and he was one Bob Abreu play away from a CG SO. Meanwhile, I didn’t see you benching Robinson Cano. Sorry the Red Sox lost a game, but my favorite baseball team is Lasorda’s Manicotti.”

This matchup also proved to be an illuminating lesson in the perils and advantages of shit-talking specific players. As the week opened, VR seized upon my trashing of Shane Victorino to call out the Hawaiian speedster, and promptly found himself with a rejuvenated RF opponent hitting over .300. I decided to threaten Ollie Perez before his start against Philly, only to see him utterly baffle Howard and repeatedly peg Utley. But just as it seemed that we had reaped the whirlwind, everything changed. Shane Vic went on the DL with a smacked-up leg; I strongly suspect he might have been mauled by a Jeff Gillooly-like VR henchman while at the club, but is too ashamed to admit it. Perez, meanwhile, went out for his second start on Sunday afternoon against Milwaukee with multiple categories on the line and submitted an absolute stinkbomb. The highlight was Ryan “Judas” Braun’s 2 RBI single: too little, too late for VR’s offense, but the death blow for VR’s pitching staff. Final tally: two players are smacked down on, and two players crumble like stone Buddhas detonated by Taliban iconoclasts. When tempted to slam individual members of your opponents roster in the future, fear not!

Good game, VR. The hits will come soon enough. But will the pitching staff be ready? See you next time around the rotation.

THIS WEEK

Prepare for war. If D’Lucious Bitch Pies and LM had matched up last week, the score would have been 11-10 LM – the only difference would have been Wang’s CG. Not only that, but DLBP would have taken some statistical categories that we virtually consider our birthright. LM has survived two sucky offensive weeks by playing even suckier competition, but that is not going to cut it this week. In addition, we will need to press our advantage on the pitching end to maximize return in an area where we usually just look to break even. No joke, DLBP is scary good.

The reasons start and end with Manny Ramirez. Ever since reading “The Secret” (or maybe just a Cliffs Notes version prepared by Scott Boras’ staff), Manny has self-actualized bushels of XBH and RBI into existence. With his left-side-kicks Rollins and Gordon, Manny has carried the Pies to a 20-15-9 record, only two games behind LM’s meteoric pace. Manny will continue to pile on hits in an epic contract quest – and he will be to DLBP’s 2008 campaign what A-Rod was to Guapo’s 2007 campaign.

But let’s keep things in perspective here. D’Lucious is playing Bobby freaking Crosby at IF. With Scotty Kaz and K-Rod weakened, his pitching staff looks a little suspect. There’s a guy on his DL with a wounded butt hole. And his main claim to fame is catching a fly ball hit by Jose Canseco in a Mexican baseball game.

Let’s show this banjo-playing Los Feliz fruit what is up!! Swing those bats!!

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The call went out for the 2008 LOWV ante today, and it’s a meager $34. Hell, I spent more than that on LM in one random day in January - to convince the groupies that write “On the DL” to tell me which major leaguers have the biggest penises so I could acquire them for my team. (Hint: Joe Nathan.) The financial structure that underlies the LOWV’s prizes is as outdated as a 64MB MP3 player. When the current baseline was set, for example, VR lived in a disgusting Hollywood flophouse, Snatty tooled around in a 10-year-old Honda with 150,000 miles and parking stickers from three different women’s colleges on it, and tBB pumped gas for a living. Today, VR spreads his rumors from a slick West Side lair, Snatty drives an Audi pimpmobile, and tBB is the foremost expert in teaching sexy ladies how to speak English and then flying halfway around the world to maleej them. In short, the league has never been in better financial shape and our GMs have money to burn. Up the ante!

ERdR jinxed itself big time this week. While leading FC by decisive margins throughout the contest, Daniel Plainview asked in his Gchat status message, “Can ERdR pull off the upset?” Plainview, Plainview, Plainview. It’s week two. The season is young. While we can always speculate as to which team is stronger, the idea that a victory here would be a remarkable upset does not say much about the mindset at the ERdR offices. Of course, Equipe fell apart over the weekend and ended up losing 11-8. A respectable loss to the titans of FC, but maybe you might want to consider believing in yourself next time?

My notes on the PMF-LU matchup read in their entirety, “For those of you who persist in denigrating the great Roy Halladay, please stick this right up your ass.”

tBB eked out a face-saving 10-8 victory over Bonomatory this week but continues to struggle with atrocious numbers across the board. Nobody rebuilds better than Rick Kentz, and 2007 showed that this team cannot be counted out until the final bell. But things are not looking good for the lone New Jersey franchise at the moment. On the flip side, how does BI justify losing to a team that didn’t put up a single impressive stat anywhere on the board?? Unless you consider thirteen doubles and one triple impressive, which is a serious reach, you have gotta think that the Commissioner has been accurate in his frequent slams against BI and his Punto-love in the months leading up to the season. Too early to cast a true judgment on either team, but you gotta think there is some major soul-searching going on in Boulder and Chatham today.

Mothership’s rant against tBB on the bulletin board took me aback at first. The Belt has dominated our league for so long in such understated fashion that it was hard for me to dome the level of anger being vented at the defending champ. However, it should be noted that on recent episodes of Shortpants GM Kentz has been more and more boastful about his championships and the greatness of the Belt. Smack begets smack, and it seems that Kentz will have to sleep in a bed drenched in it...

I scouted a Sox/Tigers game this week with the Commish. Man, does that Tiger bullpen smell. In the dictionary, next to the word "stink stank stunk,” there is a picture of Yorman Bazardo.

unBeleaguerable showed what he could do against more modest competition by leveling El Guapo with much the same numbers he had in a defeat to FC last week. While Guapo relies on veterans, unB is infatuated with youngsters, and reaps the decidedly mixed results of that infatuation. Jupton and Geovany crushed everything that came before them, while Phil Hughes and Jered Weaver found themselves unequal to the task.

Meanwhile, unB made the first splash with minor league talent as Johnny Cueto was summoned to the majors for two exceptional starts and a third decent start. On the dark side of prospect development, tBB’s second-round pick Jordan Schafer was nailed for HGH use and will face a lengthy suspension. It seems Schmentz would have fared better with his original draft plans: either “Jumbo” Diaz or Jose Reyes’ first-born son. Schafer was probably snitched out by a teammate or clubby. Maybe he did a bit too much bragging about how great the LOWV team that drafted him is?

Snatty’s pitching looked outstanding this week. Too bad he lost almost every offensive category to Flash and his 10,398 first basemen.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

“Casilla will be the [Oakland] closer by the end of the year. I’m almost guaranteeing it. Street is wonky. The crowd has turned on Street.” When Huston Street saw these remarks by Daniel Plainview of ERdR published in the San Francisco Chronicle, he went on a clubhouse rampage in which he destroyed $15,000 worth of equipment while repeatedly screaming “I’LL SHOW YOU WONKY, MOTHERFUCKER!!” He then went out last week and racked up 3 saves with a 0.00 ERA and 0.90 WHIP.

Note to Plainview: please continue dissing my bullpen to the press. It’s the best motivational tool for baseball players since Alissa Milano started issuing gift cards for BJs.

SHORTPANTS – MY TAKE

Since there’s been no new show in over a week, this section might have been left blank – but I managed to catch up on part 2 of the bounteous opening day edition, so no worries there. What this segment lacked in open hostility it more than made up for in belly laughs. Any edition featuring PMF and tBB is bound to be entertaining, as the latter brings out the best in host Mike Jones while the former has a genius for wholehearted gigglefests inspired by Mr. Jones’ reveries. Excellent performances by both. I laughed so hard I almost drove off the road when Rick measured the progress of his years against Craig Biggio’s quest for 3000 hits: “Biggio is retired? Where did my life go?”

The most entertaining moment was definitely the part in which everyone trained their guns on Equipe. Mikeman regaled the crowd with a most lopsided trade offer. Sahl first hedged on an insult, saying that NCaV/Plainview are difficult to trade with “so I hear,” but then went all out and said he refuses to trade with Equipe. PMF probably stung ERdR the most with his comment that Equipe “has a fetish for eating salary.”

When asked about the episode Neil replied, “I am the tackling dummy of that show.”

LM PENIS/GENIUS

This week’s penis: It’d be easy to pick on Justin Verlander, but in two straight starts his line has been wrecked when Leyland left him in the game after he clearly should have come out, simply because the Detroit bullpen is that bad. If Dave Dombrowski’s total lack of foresight means JV’s season continues in this horrific vein, I have but one request. Do NOT bring Porcello up in a foolhardy attempt to fix this debacle. Otherwise, I may have to go into Day of the Jackal mode on ALL your asses…

No, this week’s penis is Russell Martin, who is playing at the level of his $3 salary. Perhaps he’s bitter that Furcal is making four times more than he is. Well, Russell, if you were 18 for 46, hitting .391 and OPSing 1.165 like your teammate, you might have cause for a grudge. As it is, you almost lost your job to Ryan Doumit! Get it together, man!

This week’s genius: Chien-Ming Wang, who continues to bless LM with his K-less wonders. Here’s an inspirational ad he made for his homeland of Taiwan. Ironically, it ends with him striking someone out. Shouldn’t Anonymous White Baseball Player have grounded out weakly to short instead?

DANK FARM NUGS

Check out this clip of Hershiser’s Heroes badass RHP Phillippe Aumont in an international game against Cuba last year. The movement on his pitches will make you leap from your chair and squeal with delight. That was the effect on me, anyway. As a bonus, at about the 1:00 mark you get to see a big fat Cuban man run like the devil is after him.

ENDQUOTE

“Michael Kay makes my dick hurt.” M. Jones

Until next time, I remain...
LASORDA

Tommy's Thoughts #1

Well, here we are again, assholes. Another season dawns in the LOWV, bringing with it the usual questions...Who will pour money into a top-flight pitching staff only to see it collapse with vagina injuries? Who will see fit to employ the most marginal player in the league, Brandon Inge? Whose attempts at smack will go disastrously awry, humiliating only himself? Who will dominate the regular season only to cough it up to BB in the yoffs? (The answers, of course, are PMF, Snatty, unB, and Lacey.)

I woke up this morning, took some medication for my "going problem," caught up on my correspondence (mash notes to Rudy Giuliani) and then turned my mind to the 13 sorry teams that LM is going to compete with this year. How pathetic you all are...when I think of the hours you'll spend laboring over your rosters this summer, only to be utterly and inevitably vanquished by 25 supermen with "LM" on their chests and fire-hose cocks coiled in their titanium steel cups. The depths of your collective self-delusion are frightening to plumb. To say the least...

LAST WEEK

To me, El Guapo is like the guy who is banging your ex girlfriend (TGWIBYEG). On the one hand, you feel like you owe TGWIBYEG some grudging respect, after all you have similar taste in women and similar success at touching the boobs of said women. To scorn him would be to scorn yourself. On the other, you have repeatedly put your pee-pee in the woman TGWIBYEG loves, which is the real-world equivalent of having owned the guys on Guapo's team back when they were in their primes. Yeah, I had Mike Lowell too...back when he was celebrated for actually kicking ass, not just lightly booting ass on a really good, really popular team.

This matchup was a prison gang rape all week, featuring me as the merciless Sisters, until Sunday. That's when Guapo mustered up some much-needed self respect and rose up in a challenge LM will not soon forget. Powered by Ben Sheets' genius CG SO, Guapo closed from 14-4 to 12-10 before falling short of a tie in a tiny crecendo of Edgar Renteria dribblers on Sunday night. LM's offensive firewall and line-filling studs mitigated the damage from Guapo's sprint to the finish and preserved the victory. Still, it was tough to ignore the disparity between Guapo's ace, pitching his team back into a key contest, and LM's ace Justin Verlander, who simply embarrassed himself in the late game. After an inspirational, semi-comprehensible pep talk from pitching coach Fernando Valenzuela, Verlander promised me he will do better next time. You'd better, Justin. I can call Rick Porcello up and give him your job TOMORROW!!

Game-within-the-game: LM ran out its two most inexperienced starters against the mighty Yankees lineup on consecutive nights, and emerged unscathed. Most notably, Guapo's beloved A-Rod came up weak against green arms. His line against Dustin McGowan and Andy Sonnanstine: 6 AB, 1 H, 0 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 0 BB, 1 K, two maxi pad changes.

Despite this, I must extend a heartfelt "good game" to the Guap for a fine performance. Like his idol Hillary Clinton, he fought until the last vote was counted.

THIS WEEK

We'll be taking on Vicious Rumors this week- it's a battle between the team headquartered in Boston stuffed with Los Angeles players and the team headquartered in Los Angeles stuffed with Boston players. The only difference is, my guys are fantasy all-stars and his are marginal contributors. (Except for Josh Beckett, who got punked by Vernon Wells yesterday.) Yeah, VR has got "the best young infield in the LOWV." But that's only getting attention because our collective GMs are a bunch of child molesters. Guess what, my infield is way better, they just don't happen to be 12 years old. Howard, Utley, Furcal and Chipper were just here and they said that Youk, Cano, Tulo and Braun are queaves. On the record...

Also, Jeff Kent is plotting to run Dustin Pedroia over with his monster truck at the first sign of the diminutive one letting his guard down to pick up a cribbage crib.

Based on Week 1, VR is the underdog, a role he should be accustomed to after many losing seasons in the LOWV. A matchup of our two teams last week would have concluded with a 12-7 LM victory, and VR would have counted himself lucky that it wasn't worse. A .667 OPS and 6.47 ERA will do that to you. Still, there is no way we can depend on such a sucky performance from VR this week. His team is definitely better than that. We'll need to show our power-hitting might, our pitching depth and our speed on the basepaths to triumph. Hmm, his strengths are eerily similar to mine. My boys will have to step up their games to show this methodology-copying upstart who is boss!

Except for the bullpen. You guys can just take it easy. I don't think Keith Foulke and Lee Gardner are going to be accumulating any stats other than "leadoff walks surrendered" and "testicles scratched."

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

Despite getting thrashed by FC, unB had offensive numbers that would have fared much better against almost any other competition. 8 HR / 23 RBI / .288 / .858 is nothing to strike in gold leaf on the wall, but compared to the offensive suckage that was LOWV08 Week 1, that was actually pretty good. Just tough luck for the team from New Orleans to run up against the Commissioner's stable of good looking, young, white studs.

While Snatty's staff surrendered an astonishing twelve bombs, his front office is buzzing about the fact that Ervin Santana won on the road. I know you don't believe this could be possible, so here is a link! A nice win over BI this week, but a playoff bid will require more.

DLBP dismantled The Flash despite the best efforts of the latter's 1,034 first basemen. The addition of Jurrjens to the Bitch Pie staff could be another step towards glory for this once-maligned franchise. Meanwhile the Flash's rep for reliable performance is showing cracks with a shockingly low initial Power Ranking and a stinging Week 1 defeat. Did his failure to make the playoffs last year presage an extended lean period?

One word: Fukudome.

PMF/tBB is always an ugly grudge match. The Poor Man got the best of this one...and it wasn't as close as the score indicated. Check out George Sherrill and his 3 saves, but try not to look at the WHIP the Man got for his money last week. Meanwhile the Belt's offense had an OPS of .693 and his pitching line was a disaster other than holds. Of course, the Gallardo/Liriano/Bailey express has yet to leave the station...and if you don't give me the deed to your ranch I'm gonna tie you on the railroad track. And then?

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

"I just snaked [Tom] Gordon off the FA. Let's just say I'm intrigued. He could be a good chip if my hunch plays out."

Nils Coq au Vin, shortly before Gordon imploded with the following line - L, 0.1 IP, 5 ER, 135.0 ERA, 15.00 WHIP, 0 K/BB, 1 Beshitted Trouser. Gordon was cut the next day and NCaV was out on the street almost immediately thereafter in mascot's garb. I hear Pearl Jam is touring Bordeaux - look for NCaV to lurk backstage, plaintively calling for renditions of "Yellow Ledbetter."

SHORTPANTS - MY TAKE

Haven't heard the second installment of Opening Day Shortpants yet. Too busy re-listening to the Friday night installment, in which The Mothership airs his greivances after one too many insults to his dignity. In a scintillating tirade, Mikeman called Lacey and FC out for uncharitably mocking teams below them in the standings, and superciliously scoffing at methods of player evaluation that deviate from their own. This was electrifying radio, made especially delicious by the fact that it followed close upon the heels of a three-man praisefest directed at the LM roster. One of my favorite episodes ever!

While I share Lacey and FC's belief in the power of stats, I also think there is a mystical element to player evaluation - a Tao of uniform numbers - that some of the cockier GMs in our league often overlook. More to the point, however, what the hell was that reference to Lacey's new strategy - something like "Total Information Awareness"? Me thinks he has spent WAY too much time staring at the Masonic eye-pyramid and now he thinks he is the bastard child of Bill James and J. Edgar Hoover, instead of what he is: the A-Rod of the LOWV.

LM PENIS/GENIUS

This week's penis: Shane Victorino, whose dreadful 3-for-23 slump is made worse by the fact that Utley is hitting everything in sight right behind him. According to my bench coach, Kirk Gibson, Shane Vic was taking extra BP on Sunday night after another suck performance. You don't get extra credit for that, asshole! Start filling up those stat lines, so-called Flyin' Hawaiian, or I'll send you back to where I discovered you - friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless, clapped in irons in Benny Agbayani's guest house / sex lair.

This week's genius: Chase Motherfucking Utley. 9-for-21, 8R, 2 2B, 3 HR, 6 RBI (thanks a lot Shane), 5 BB/0 K, .429 / .519 / 1.471.

Oh yeah, he is also too pretty for words. Let's have a reminder shall we???

No, I will not trade him to you.

DANK FARM NUGS

OK, this is the part where you need to pay attention. Later in the season, when your team is slowly circling the drain, these are the future Hall of Famers you will be begging me to trade to you in exchange for your veteran All-Stars. Each week, as their minor league accomplishments mount, your fantasy boners grow, and your team slips further and further away from a playoff spot, this section of the column will just get more and more excruciating. You might as well just try to trade for these guys now in order to end the pain.

First-round steal Rick Porcello was a god in his first outing, racking up five innings of one-hit ball - and scouts in attendance noted he wasn't even going all-out with his heater. Josh Vitters was recently dissed by Keith Law; great news because I think Keith Law is a bitch. Jason "Don't Call Me Jayson" Heyward is 5-for-14 and rapped an RBI single yesterday. Phillippe Aumont -"Prized Quebecois top draft pick with electric stuff and shady personal history" - provided four no-hit innings as part of a combined three-hit shutout. Aaron Poreda got hit hard the other day, probably because he has spent too much time on the campus of the University of San Francisco and suffered pussification as a consequence. This will fade in time.

ENDQUOTE

"Waking up in bed with a naked Chelsea Clinton...that's the Banana Belt." - Rick Kentz

Until next time, I remain...
LASORDA

Shortpants XXVII -- Next of Kinsler

Part two of The Shortpants Opening Day Spectacular coming at you as PMF and BB arrive to share their unique perspective on the LOWV and MLB with Mike and the Madman. BB the Birthday Boy brings you inside the mind of a champion and makes the mistake of giving Ian Kinsler's phone number to Mike. Recent trades (and insulting trade offers) discussed, crappy pick-ups mocked and the rest of the season's first days analyzed.

Armed with knowledge like this, you can't lose. Well, you probably could, loser.

Shortpants XXVII

Plainview New 'King'; Teixeira Returns to Equipe

San Francisco -- Equipe Roi du Radeau began the much anticipated process of shaking up its roster and front office this morning by announcing the hiring of Daniel Plainview as its new General Manager. Mr. Plainview admitted that he unofficially joined the team several weeks ago, however Equipe had resisted publicly announcing the regime change until it could locate and inform former General Manager Nils Coq au Vin of the decision. Sources indicate Mssr. Coq au Vin has been a regular in the Monte Carlo club scene since walking out of the Equipe offices in the team’s mascot costume several weeks ago.

Equipe will be the first team Plainview has managed at the LOWV-level; however he holds an impressive record in the Junior League, having won several championships and developed several perennial all-stars. Plainview opened the press conference with a statement to the gathered crowd before taking questions.

Plainview does not arrive at Equipe without controversy. There have been rumors circulating around the league about his unorthodox managing style for years. Critics have cited his harsh disciplinary system, demanding nature and unquenchable competitive desire as borderline psychotic. However, Plainview attempted to clear up some of the rumors regarding his management style and reputation amongst players and other mangers.

“Now I've traveled across half our state to be here and to see about this team. I daresay some of you might have heard some of the more extravagant rumors about what my plans are. I just thought you'd like to hear it from me. This is the face, it's no great mystery. I'm a baseball man, ladies and gentlemen,” he said.

Plainview will certainly change the face of Equipe. In the Junior League, Plainview had a reputation for getting back to the basics and forcing players to dig deep within themselves for well-springs of strength and talent. Those who were incapable were often cast aside and forgotten; those who survived found themselves transformed into all-stars. Plainview appeared deadest on following this blueprint for Equipe.

“As a baseball man I'd hope that you'll forgive just good old-fashioned plain speaking. Now please don't be insulted if I speak about this-- hitting. Let's talk about hitting. Now to my mind, it's an abomination to consider that any shortstop, first-baseman or outfielder in this magnificent league of ours should have to look upon a decent batting average as a luxury,” he explained.

To assure the crowd that he was serious, Plainview announced that a trade was pending between Equipe and El Guapo. In the trade, Equipe would send Garrett Atkins and Danny Haren to El Guapo in exchange for Mark Teixeira and Mike Lowell. Both teams agreed to eat a portion of the outgoing contracts, meaning Equipe will pay Teixeira $13 for 2008 and 2009, while Lowell will make $3 for the remainder of the season.

This deal came as somewhat of a shock to those gathered, as Plainview had only just been announced as the new manager of the team; however, those who know Plainview noted this was precisely what he is known for.

“Quick, decisive, blinding action,” noted one former employee who requested to remain anonymous. “I mean, on some level it just feels pathological, like he wants to not only beat the competition, but destroy them.”

Whatever the reason, it was apparent the crowd appreciated the move. Cheers erupted from the fans when Teixeira was named. Teixeira was a key member of the 2006 Equipe that shocked the world with its explosive offense and fell two runs short of a chance at the title game. Always a fan favorite, Teixeira was let go due to financial constrains. There is no doubt, the move to bring Teixeira back was a symbolic gesture of change by Plainview, who is renowned for getting the best players and the lowest prices.

Teixiera and Lowell will serve as the bookends to a retooled offense. Their veteran presence will balance out the youth heavy lineup and provide struggling All-Star outfielder Alfonso Soriano added protection in the lineup. The renewed focus on offense has meant a renewed hope in 2008 for Equipe.

“We're going to win championships here. Higher batting averages mean more base-runners. More base-runners means more runs. We're going to raise the score here where before it just simply was impossible. You're going to have more runs than you know what to do with. Hits’ll be coming right out of your ears, ma'am. Better on base percentages, RBIs, doubles, homers. These are just a few of the things we can offer you, and I assure you ladies and gentlemen, that if we do find talent here, and I think there's a very good chance that we will, this team of our will not only survive, it will flourish.”

And with that, Plainview walked away from the podium and shared a knowing glance with longtime bench coach and consigliore, Anton Chigurh.