Tommy's Thoughts #4

Updated 4/30/08

Attention, attention. A change is being made in the schedule that governs your sorry lives. Tommy’s Thoughts will now be released on Tuesdays, not only for reasons of alliteration, but also to extend the diet of LOWV goodness throughout the week.

Monday, in the aftermath of the weekend’s contests, has always been a day to survey the damage and take measure of the situation around the league, after which the daintier GMs retire to their forts of idiocy. Only the hard core remain, scavenging through the leavings of the great battles. This column is for those vultures of the LOWV, who will not rest until every last Carlos Quentin has been seized…

LAST WEEK

After Week 3’s debacle against the Bitch Pies, I called my staff together to assess our next move. An overwhelming victory over Snaturals was the only way to heal our karmic wounds and quiet the boo birds in the upper deck. I waxed poetic as I spun a web of dreams, imagining an epic double envelopment of the Snatty forces, utterly wiping them out on the bloody plains of LOWV warfare. Bench coach Kirk Gibson brought me back to reality. “You seem to be forgetting that Snatty battled us to a costly stalemate on two occasions last year. He may seem meek, but when he is challenged by his foes from the North Shore he starts talking in a thick Boston accent and immediately commences fighting the odds.”

I poured myself a stiff drink as I realized that everything he was saying was true. I also knew that beyond this matchup was a gauntlet of expected championship contenders: Banana Belt, Lacey Underalls, and Fecal Clatter loomed on the horizon.

Fernando Valenzuela spoke up in broken English, injecting a note of chubby optimism into the proceedings. “Tranquilo, ay. My pitchers gonna sweep Snatty up. Penny and Maine are good to go tonight. You’ll see, ese.”

There came a knock on the door. It was my spy in all things Snatty – a young woman of Asiatic extraction who keeps the residence of GM Major Beans under constant surveillance. She reported that Beans was seen departing for a scouting mission, during which he would evaluate Louisiana’s best prospects with unB’s Chip Mitchell. His return was not expected until later that week.

With the opponent’s helm unmanned, my odds increased. Everything began to come together as I laid the plans for the destruction of Snaturals. Three days crept past, as my pitchers constructed a statistical fortification and my hitters laid low…lulling Snatty’s men into a false sense of security. With their leader absent, they were blind to the preparations that already spelled their doom.

Thursday night arrived, and as it happened I encountered the Major at a social gathering with a number of Boston-area luminaries, gathered in honor of a visit from ERdR GM Daniel Plainview. His skin peeling, his manner uncouth, Beans had just returned from the boozy scouting junket and was evidently distracted from the combat taking place between our forces at that very moment. “How many points are you beating me by?” he asked me offhandedly. I muttered something about the score being a toss-up – as it then was – cautious not to alert him to the peril at hand.

Round about 10:30 PM, Major Beans said his good nights, insisting that his energy was wholly drained, although observers noted it was a curiosity that he had just enough energy to stay up until his ladyfriend’s bedtime. Noting his retirement from the field, I ordered my minions to press the attack. Beans “followed the feline” (North Cambridge saying) off to dreamland, while I sat on the veranda with Plainview and our shared spiritual advisor Reverend Per Smith discussing matters large and small until the wee hours of the morning. We smoked many a fine Cuban cigar and argued vehemently over whether Dana Eveland sucks (I say he does, Plainview says he’s as good as Dustin McGowan) and other questions of critical significance.

As Snatty snuggled and slumbered, LM surged and slaughtered. By the end of the night, Cliff Lee had thrown a CG SO against the Royals, LM had taken a massive lead, and we never relinquished it.

Awakening the next day, no doubt to regard the yawning deficit with horror, Beans ordered wave after wave of SPs to attack the now-impregnable LM defenses. What he was after, I’m not sure – the W category that I offered him as bait? A miracle CG SO? It didn’t happen. From the good (Randy Johnson, Ervin Santana) to the bad (Barry Zito) to the ugly (Livan Hernandez, Ross Ohlendorf), Snatty’s pitchers only managed to gain Ks, and gave up L, HR, and any chance at the averages in the process. My offense, still fatigued from the 16-homer effort against DLBP, managed to do just enough to keep Johnny Damon and friends from mounting a comeback.

The victory was complete with a 17-5 final score. Snatty's forces lay mortally wounded on the field of battle - Zito to the bullpen, Posada to the DL. Outside of the time tBB failed to make his innings minimum, this is the team's greatest victory since I assumed command of the franchise before the 2006 season. Huzzah! An extra ration of whiskey for everyone!

Oh yeah...good game, Jamo buddy. Porch cookout this weekend?

THIS WEEK

We'll have our hands full with our friendly rival and perennial LOWV champ Banana Belt this week. An analysis of last week's stats reveals that a Week 4 LM/BB matchup would have concluded with a 13-4-4 victory for LM, but I am not buying that shit for a second. First off, my pitching stats were abnormally strong, and yet LM was barely better in several categories. Deeper analysis reveals that BB's pitching stats would have been downright record-setting if Francisco Liriano hadn't shit the bed against Oakland, allowing six runs and recording only two outs. Other than 3 runs allowed by Adam Wainwright in a CG, these were the only runs allowed by BB's staff all week. That's frightening.

One advantage I have on paper is that BB's offense has not gotten going at all this year, consistently posting OPS numbers below .800, with all the attendant frustration that comes with so little pop. Apparently, Schmentz has decided to remedy this by convincing former LMer Edwin Encarnacion that he should harbor a grudge against me, and to encourage him to unleash hell in order to gain "revenge." So far it seems like this might actually work, as Edwin had a huge Monday night.

The only problem is, it makes no sense. I signed Edwin two years ago, when he was nobody, shoving Mike Lowell out of the way to give him a job. He got a full share of the winnings from the 2006 regular-season title, and I even looked the other way when he spent it all on video games and fried dough. Then in that offseason, I traded him for pre-slump Vernon Wells, demonstrating that I thought he was so valuable that only an All-Star would pry him from my grip. Meanwhile, Rick referenced this trade only weeks ago as an example of a BB blunder - as he called it, a "highly questionable trade," if not an outright "bad trade." Edwin, if you're looking to take revenge on someone, how about your current owner, who apparently thinks you suck AND thinks you're stupid enough to fall for his mind games! A bushel of GIDP should teach him a lesson he'll never forget!

Prediction: toss-up. Some of the gayer categories will probably decide the winner here.

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The Lacey Underalls demonstrated the #1 key to success in the LOWV this week, when his team absolutely mailed in a game against the Flash but only lost by the narrow score of 9-8. It's impossible to ensure that your team won't have terrible weeks, but you must prevent the season-crippling blowout losses at all costs to contend for first place in the standings. Although Mama Jams was asking late in the week "How am I still in this?", the answer is obvious - a deep, balanced roster that offers insurance against smackdowns. Flash's 2,340,721 first basemen finally provided him with some offense this week, but it's tough to win convincingly when you can't take a single pitching category.

Despite severe power outages, FC beat BI badly. The decline continues for the 0-4 BI, and the 4-0 FC continues to dominate the competition. In Bonomatory's defense, the latest Record Book tabulations declare that he has faced the league's toughest schedule. (The softest schedule thus far? Mine!)

Poor Man's Fart pounded unBeleaguerable last week, just the latest chapter in a blood feud that dates back to untoward comments made about significant others back in 2006, about which PMF can still summon red-faced rage as quickly as you can snap your fingers. unB's pitching line was particularly gruesome - 3-8, 12 HR, 5.86 ERA, 1.66 K/BB. But the turning point came when PMF GM Bobby Walls simply printed out the two-year-old offending emails, crossed out his woman's name and wrote in the name of Lance Berkman's wife, and then "accidentally" left the emails in Lance's locker. After a merciless four-homer barrage from a furious Berkman, the game was effectively over.

Curtis Granderson's return keyed ERdR to an absolutely huge win over cross-town rival El Guapo, even as Daniel Plainview was traveling across the country for a weekend-long social function. Folks, this is just the latest demonstration that excuses are meaningless in the LOWV. "I had to leave town," is no way to explain a defeat. Similarly, "My kids are sick with Spanish flu," and "Killer bees stung my penis 200 times in a freak attack" are not valid excuses when your team goes into the tank. Persevere, assholes!

Moship's offense looked great, but his pitching was stank, against tBB. This is turning into the LOWV's bitterest rivalry since the glory days of DLBP/Guapo last season, with shit talk flying on the message board, radio show, and through any number of back channels. The showdown was a bit anticlimactic though - while the overall score was very close, very few categories were in doubt down the stretch.

The clubhouse of Vicious Rumors disintegrated into finger-pointing and recriminations after a fourth consecutive loss, this time at the hands of DLBP. Apoplectic GM Dominic Rosetti declared "This shitpile has multiple candidates for LVP, you sorry sack of fuckin' bums." Maybe a roster overhaul could begin by jettisoning the dead weight that is Bartolo Colon? Seriously, dude.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

"What about ERdR selling himself short in the last power rankings? Hope Tommy's as apoplectic as Yurwurstz about it."

This is a classic case of misdirection. Fecal Clatter GM Yurwurstz Nachtmarz is attempting to stir some shit, appealing to the always-relevant strain of ERdR-bashing in the LOWV. This is because a scandal is about to break that will humiliate him in the eyes of the league.

No doubt by now you've heard about l'Affaire Clemens-McCready, a tawdry affair that began with a 28-year-old father of two and a 15-year-old aspiring country star alone in a Fort Myers hotel room.

What you probably DON'T know is that the biggest Clemens fan in the LOWV has his own embarrassing affair with a musical ho to be ashamed of. Yes, that's right - for years now, Nachtmarz has been the subservient man-groupie to former ABBA star Agnetha Fältskog!

Many have wondered why a GM of infinite knowledge and resources has never won so much as a regular-season crown. Now the truth can be told. The jealous, shrewish Fältskog summons Nachtmarz to her Nordic pleasure palace every time the success of FC threatens her status as the #1 concern in his life. Next thing you know, his back is covered with welts from her cat-o-nine-tails and FC is in the crapper again.

You heard it here first!

SHORTPANTS - MY TAKE

Coming soon in an update tomorrow. I was bed-ridden yesterday with a case of gout and haven't gotten a chance to hear the latest ep yet, but I surely will have soon. Don't complain, I'm giving you something to look forward to. Ungrateful dicks!!

Update: This was a truly solid episode. I was stuck in horrible, horrible, horrible traffic on my way to the ballpark this morning, which usually puts me into a murderous rage. However, I grinned the whole way because I had this Shortpants cued up. The combo of irrepressible Jones, effusive Walls and steady Sahldog is truly lightning in a bottle.

For the record, my comment of "Zzzzz" last week was only meant to indicate the lack of Shortpants since my last commentary, but even then it was a bit uncalled for. After all, Mike, the Madman et al have given us literally DAYS of entertainment over the past year. And I bitch after a brief dry spell? From now on I intend to show a little more respect. Just a little, though.

Highlights: Mike's laborious and condescending sighs as he reads Equipe's comments. Mets discussion - any time the Mets are discussed with Rob Walls in the room, I enjoy it. Sahl nervously crying out, "We can make all the rules committee emails public tomorrow!" The discussion of the change in tBB - from unassuming to boastful. The use of the Record Book feature to praise and denigrate various teams.

I don't even have anything to take issue with this week. Just a really solid episode packed with substance and amusement. Well done, boys.

DANK FARM NUGS

Known mastermind David Chadd holds forth about the first time he set eyes on top LM prospect Rick Porcello:

"Chadd, the scouting director, and several other Tigers officials caught a flight to New Jersey and watched the high school right-hander plow through a game. A 77-pitch perfect game, that is. And he was throwing 95 mph in the sixth. 'He had a clean delivery, he was 6-foot-4 and he was very athletic,' Chadd said. 'The day I was there, he had a plus breaking ball and a change-up he could throw for a strike. You just don’t see that type of guy come along that often.'"

Oh - sorry, I didn't see you there. I didn't mean to jerk off in front of you like that. My B.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Nobody. Our only shortcoming this week was a lack of power, but that can hardly be faulted when LM still leads the league in homers. Well done, gentlemen. You'll need that all-around mastery to defeat our next three opponents!

This week's genius: Cliff Lee, whose ERA, WHIP and K/BB continue to astound as he outdueled sabermetric darling Brian Bannister this week. This FA acquisition is quickly becoming my most reliable starter. However, I will listen to trade offers from the more desperate teams out there. Honorable mention: Carl Crawford, who singlehandedly beat the Red Sox in a game last week by hitting two triples, then walking in the 11th, stealing second and scoring the winning run.

ENDQUOTE

"Healthy trash-talk is a vital pillar of the Temple of Sport, and as with the Acropolis its erosion portends the downfall of our civilization...Some people are going to say trash-talk is the last refuge of the desperate. You can see those people coming a mile away, in their tweed coats with the Morning Edition Travel Mugs. To them I say, 'Since when did the spirit of competition become some kind of wet nurse for the weak?' Pointing out an adversary's flaws is a tradition as old as wife-stealing. So, whenever sporting, never hesitate to dish out heaping servings of hearty smack-pie." - Stephen Colbert, I Am America! (And So Can You!)