Tommy's Thoughts #11

"No Thoughts yet this week!" "When is Tommy posting his next column?"

The league has spoken, and two things are clear: you love the Thoughts, and you are way too demanding. That's cool, I have a super special weekend edition of the Thoughts coming straight atcha.

We begin with a tale from the road.

When my players are in trouble, I never hesitate to log some miles to give them a pep talk (or alternatively, tell them how shite they are before I summarily fire them). Last week, I decided to make an outing to Shea Stadium for the Sunday day game with multiple aims in mind. First, I needed to bolster the sanity of troubled outfielder Milton Bradley. Second, I had to make sure John Maine strengthened my position in K/BB, a critical cat in my duel with Bonomatory. And third, I had to do something about the Mets - their quagmire was killing the baseball spirit of too many GMs in our fair league, and action was necessary to save the summer.

I called LM owner Dick Beatonian and asked him if he was available to make a trip to NYC. "Fuck yeah," he said, and I grinned widely. I love having him along on road trips because he always pays for everything. Other than that, he's pretty much useless.

I then placed another call to Tuscon, Arizona. "Christopher Trotman Nixon, please - this is Tommy Lasorda on the line." I told the Midwestern-accented receptionist for the Sidewinders. Soon I heard a familiar North Carolinian voice on the other end. "Hey Tommy, I knew Jesus had big plans in store for me. I'll be thrilled to man the outfield for LM."

"Ha!" I involuntarily chortled. "Uh, actually, Trot, I have another plan in mind," I said. "Meet me at South Station in Boston on Saturday morning."

The appointed day and hour arrived and Amtrak whisked the three of us off to New York. I spent the day Saturday steadily drinking. Trot went to Times Square to get mementos for his kids. Beatonian managed to drag me along to the Museum of Modern Art (I brought a flask) but after I took one look at this painting called "The Menaced Assassin," I was scared shitless and had to repair to a house of ill repute to recover my senses. What the fuck is going on in that painting? Why do none of those guys have any expression on their faces? Aaaahhh! It should be renamed "Template for All My Future Nightmares." Eff you, Magritte.

The next day, we headed down to Shea a few hours before the game started. The first order of business led me and Trot to Omar Minaya's office. However, as we made our way to the inner sanctum, we found the way blocked by Mets first base coach Tom Nieto. "Get out of here, Tommy, you are nothing but trouble," said Nieto, sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. "That's right!!" I screamed "and now you pissed me off, Nieto!" He stood his ground and said, "What the hell is Trot Nixon doing here, stop meddling with our team Tommy!" "You think I'm going to let a guy who had a negative-54 OPS+ in 1988 tell me what to do?? Eat shit Nieto!!"

I shoved past him, dragging Trot behind me, and burst into Minaya's office to discover he was recieving head from Tony Bernazard. Although Trot screamed "Sodomites!!" and ran from the room, I was unfazed. "Listen up, I got a new right fielder for you." "Sorry, we only sign Latinos," said Bernazard as Omar pulled his pants up. "Fuck you, asshole," I said, "Trot Nixon gives you a solid bat, hustle and a quality clubhouse presence, and his whiteness will take some of the pressure off the four or five guys who are willing to talk to the press in English."

"Whatever," said Omar, clearly desirous of getting me out of his office so he could get back to it.

"I'm going to have you shake up your coaching staff too," I said, letting myself out, "But I'll get back to you on that."

Trot, having recovered from the shock of witnessing gaietude, headed down to the clubhouse to prepare for his Mets debut. I went over to the Rangers clubhouse to talk to Milton Bradley. He hadn't been right since he flipped out when he heard a Kansas City broadcaster talking shit. The stories I was hearing - an aborted attempt to charge the broadcast booth, pacing around the locker room while openly weeping and saying "I'm strong but I'm not that strong!" - called for immediate intervention.

When I found Milton he looked like a broken man, sitting front of his locker reading "The Notebook" with tears streaming down his face. I grabbed the book and hurled it across the room. "This is some bullshit!" I cried.

"B-but Tommy," Milton sobbed, "I just can't get a break. I'm just trying to play the game to make some money for my son."

"Stop talking like a bitch," I said. "What the hell happened to you? Get angry, Milton, get angry. What that KC douche said was effing nonsense. Why on earth are we all of a sudden nominating Josh Hamilton for sainthood?! He was a crack fiend - all you did was occasionally get pissed off. How is that comparable?!?! Plus it is just me, or it is a little early to crown this guy as a role model? Last I checked he still has a baby sitter around to make sure he doesn't relapse...like all it takes is one moment alone and he'll hit the pipe again! You might have a hair trigger, but at least it's related to your competitive fire, not your love of ghetto drugs!"

"Yeah, good point..." said Milton, wiping tears away.

"As far as I'm concerned, that KC asshole deserved to get thrashed. If it was me that met you in the hallway instead of the Texas GM, I'd have patted you on the ass and told you to go get 'im! Why the hell should you be criticized for keeping your head down and playing fantastic ball? You have to go around apologizing to all America for having some spirit and wanting to win? Seems to me the only reason why he praised Hamilton and slammed you is that one of you is black and one of you is white!"

"That's goddamned right!" shouted Milton, jumping from his seat. "White devils ALWAYS fucking with me!"

"Just like that umpire who baited you when you were on the Pads..."

"Motherfuckers!! I'll kill em all!!" screamed Milton.

My work was done.

I took my seats with Beatonian and we watched the game. I called Maine over for a brief chat. "Yo Johnny," I said, "Throw strikes or I'll peel your cap."

"Got it," he said. We understand each other like that.

Maine-iac on the mound

The game went well for LM. Maine got touched for some runs, but that was more the fault of terrible infield defense. Obviously Nieto was responsible for that. Johnny pounded the strike zone like he pounds skanks who mistake him for Eric Mabius.

The worthless Nieto

By the time he was pulled for a reliever, he'd tallied 5 K's against no beebs (including a nice swinging whiff of that crackhead Hamilton). That's when the trouble began for the Mets, as the bullpen coughed up several runs. Looking around in disgust, I quickly ascertained where the troubles lay.

"Look at Willie," I said to Beatonian. "He's just sitting there doing nothing. You know who I like? That Jerry Manuel. He straddles the dugout fence like a champ."

Manuel straddles

As hapless Rick Peterson went through reliever after reliever, Milton locked in and hit a blast to left. Beatonian and I cheered a great hurrah and were soon pelted by popcorn and peanuts from Mets fans who weren't going to allow that. I respect it. We sat down. The Mets were way behind.

Mets fans cheer when Beatonian finally sits down

However, they rallied in the 8th for three runs, led by who else - Trot Nixon, who scored the third run of the inning. Into the ninth and all seemed lost as CJ Wilson came out to close it out. I felt otherwise. "This guy smells," I told Beatonian. "DLBP only beat us 'cause he benched him." Another barrage of Met walks and hits began. Nixon came up and reached base again, coming around to 2nd representing the tying run. Then Damion Easley flew out to left, ending the game. Wah wah.

Trot: Reporting for duty

I headed back to LM headquarters to oversee the close of our efforts against Bonomatory, but before I left I wrote a strongly worded memo to Omar urging him to dump Willie, Peterson and that fuck Nieto and put Manuel in charge. I'll leave it up to you to decide how much influence my words wielded. Hint: a lot.

LAST WEEK'S GAME

While it's true that Bonoma blew up half his roster in disgust after this matchup concluded, as LM narrowed a strong 5-point deficit to one point thanks to the roll-out-your-pitchers-with-confidence philosophy cribbed from PMF, you have to respect the job Bonomatory Influence did in this contest. He laid down 2 CGs but still got left with only a tie in that category! It was a miracle that this wasn't a total rout!

Here are the heroes in Bonomatory's upset win over LM:

(1) JD Drew. What did I tell you fools? 9 runs, 7 hits, 3 doubles, 1 triple, 3 dongs, 6 RBI, .350/1.550 - that sweet swing had to start connecting sometime. Don't look up how much he is getting paid in LOWV, you will want to cry. While his MLB contract is still absurd, his LOWV deal is a tasty bargain. Just more proof that we are 1000x better GMs than anyone working in the bigs.

(2) Carlos Lee. OK, I didn't see this coming, despite his pedigree. 5 runs, 9 hits, 4 doubles, 2 dongs, 5 RBI, 1 swiped bag, .429/1.405 - need I say more?

(3) Braden Frigging Looper? Throws a CG SO at Great American Ballpark? Did this really happen or was it just a Magritte-inspired nightmare?

(4) Ryan Dempster - I still have a hard time buying this guy as a legit stud starter, but there is no arguing with his genius 11-K CG with no beebs and a .44 WHIP! A two run dong was basically an aberration. No shame in the occasional HR when you are going after hitters like that.

Here are the dogs that allowed a top-ranked team to choke against the spelunker of the lowest cavern:

(1) The outfield. Other than Milton's dong, which I had to personally show up to inspire from him, these guys were crap. Victorino stole nary a bag. Crawford sat out the weekend with a suspension. Wells was weak. Juan Pierre was weaker - .455 OPS sucks even for his limp noodle of a bat!

(2) Jose Contreras - should I really be surprised at how bad his numbers were? And here I thought he'd reinvented himself. Also, due to woeful run support, he got tagged with two losses.

(3) Chipper - I hate to say it, since he's kicked so much ass for us this year, but he stunk this week.

(4) Okajima - every good reliever has his bad weeks, but this was a smelly one indeed.

WEEK 12 RECAP

Another competitive week in the LOWV. The headline was definitely Bonoma's defeat of LM, and one could argue that our contest was the Game of the Week. I'm going to go instead with FC vs. BB, a very tight 10-8 victory for the defecating ones. The vaunted FC offense fell a bit short this week, with Encarnacion and Aub Huff pacing the Belt to a satisfying 6-5 edge in hitting cats. But FC's record 88 whiffs and 2.39/1.09/4.00 pitching mastery led him to the win this week. True, he slid to 3rd in the overall standings, but this was a key victory for Nachtmarz et al. The Jaybird's in a slump, so some of his fellow honkies will have to step it up. Or perhaps the team could get even whiter. Introducing...Jeff Clement!

BB's offense is in a groove, and CC Sabathia couldn't be nastier on the mound. Don't look now, but here comes Schmentz. He contacted this week to tell me to "suck on a lemon" for my comments about his female-inspired move to Spain, and assured me that the Belt was not going to let up in 2008. Although he's fourteen and a half games out of the last playoff spot at the moment, we should all be warily eying his squadron as they begin to creep up the standings.

Just as PMF announced his desire to "bed down" on the playoff bubble, he was attacked in his sleep by Vicious Rumors and slaughtered to the tune of 13-6. It's just like the league's only GM of Injun descent (my blood purity advisors tell me he is part Mi'kmaq) to brutalize a GM in the dark of night at his undefended settlement. Vladimir Guerrero (7 runs, 11 hits, 2 HR, .500/1.385) was spotted waving a bloody scalp on a flight back to LA after the assault. The element of surprise doesn't explain everything though. If you'd told me going into this week that one of these teams would see its pitching staff go 7-1 with 63 whiffs and 2.33/1.04/3.50 peripherals, I'd have said "Damn, poor VR."

Flash vs. Mothership - an unexpected smackdown for the lords of Brooklyn. Afterwards, Mike Jones was spotted singing TLC to himself, but if we're going with 90s hip hop hits, I'd have chosen Sisqo; he won with the help of that Thome-tha-Thome-Thome-Thome (.444/1.434). Frankly, though, this was a team effort, as many of the counting stats proved the difference for the Ship this week. However, Flash's offense has stabilized and become a lot more consistent, despite a rash of unfortunate injuries. This is one of the few teams that can lose a player of Albert Pujols' stature and remain in the mix. As for Travis Hafner, it might be time to put an end to Project Donkey. Just put him down already.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. A veteran of many Protestant faiths, Major Beans must have heard that one before. Surely, then, he was unsurprised when former roommate Chip Mitchell blasted his squad just as he recently blasted FC out of the top spot. Thanks to P the B and the young uns (Mrs. Tony Parker, Jupton), and pitching stats just mediocre enough to win the categories, unBeleaguerable won this one going away, 14-3. This is the kind of result that the teams positioned for the playoffs LOVE to see: a 13th place team beating the shit out of a 9th place team...

A hideous game took place between two otherwise good teams when DLBP met ERdR. Forever joined by their four-letter team acronyms and the legendary Kazmir/Soriano trade, these teams had another thing in common last week, shit stats. At least this one had the benefit of being very competitive - several categories were close indeed. In the end, however, the ERdR bargain-priced outfield proved the difference, with Ben Francisco, Delmon Young and Carlos Quentin leading the way. ERDR taking down DLBP in this fashion with very little contribution from Granderson is startling. It's like he fought this one with one hand tied behind his back. Kudos to ERDR for deft use of free agency to keep his team in the conversation.

For the better part of the last two years I'd have given my left nut for Alex Rios at $3, but he blows this year at any price...

The team with no offensive bench, El Guapo, was run out of the building by Lacey Underalls. I can't understand the way Guapo runs his offense. Mark Ellis delivers 6 hits, 11 runs, 4 doubles, .440/1.081 and gets cut when the week is over. How does that happen? Did he insult your good name in some filthy Oaktown bar? But for three fewer Ks, Guapo would have lost every single offensive stat. Lacey brought his A-game, so it wasn't quite as shameful as it sounds, but still, that really shouldn't happen. Guapo's pitchers did deliver a stellar 7-1 record, so the week wasn't a complete loss. But Lacey looked good this week and moved up into 2nd with the win...last year he assumed the lead in midseason and held on to it, so we'll see if he can take command again in the next couple of weeks. Obviously I will do my best to prevent this, don't worry, guys.

WEEKEND PREVIEW

Since I was so much delayed in releasing this edition, it seems only fair to look ahead to the weekend and give you a viewer's guide to the matchups...

LM is deadlocked with the Flash in a contest that will assuredly get ugly. His pitching has been cruddy, my hitting has been cruddy. When I heard Carl Crawford hit a grand slam, I wanted to jump for joy. Then I realized he hit it off of LM teammate Carlos Marmol. Brandon Lyon and Chris Perez had a who-sucks-more contest that ended when Perez was jettisoned this morning. Flash has gone public with his disgust for Ian Snell, and indeed his pitching line sits at a shameful 7.11/1.89/1.00. Mine is not much better, though. This game will turn on who can get his team to hit over the weekend, and frankly I think it's a toss up at this point. A miracle CG SO would obviously swing the game. If Chase Utley isn't going to get a hit this week, the least he can do is give Cole Hamels the evil eye.

The marquee FC vs. LU matchup is playing out just as you'd expect - Clatter with the edge in hitting, Lacey with the edge in pitching. Matt Cain and Todd Lilly hope to turn the tide for FC, while Miggy Cabrera hopes to jack a few dongs...in San Diego...okay that's not happening. Live by the Petco, die by the Petco. Edinson Volquez vs. the Yankees will be an interesting matchup tonight. If the Bombers can run their winning streak to 8 with a dongfest, this matchup could get even closer than it is. I like FC's chances to narrow the gap a bit...although obviously this would serve my interests, so you can take my analysis with a grain of salt.

Pitching for Detroit tonight: Eddie Bonine. Man, I hope this is pronounced Boh-nine. Like somebody used a laboratory to combine the DNA of Jeff Conine and the essence of boning. I'm looking at you, Snatty.

DLBP/PMF is another unbalanced contest, with the West Coasters dominating on offense and the East Coasters back in their usual pitching groove. However, DLBP needs to make sure he hangs onto his offensive edge, as many PMFers have been decidedly underperforming so far this week and the team is still within striking distance. DLBP hung tough without Jimmy Rollins, but he is much more formidable with his SS back in the fold. J-Roll began the week by blasting Bart Colon's 2nd pitch into the seats and hasn't stopped from there. As for PMF's pitching edge, he's assembled a nice lead but he needs the usual magic from Harden, Halladay and Bedard to nail it down. Sounds feasible...

unB demonstrated his knowledge of "Balencian" accents although I'm not sure I welcome his implication that living there will make BB effeminate. I am now realizing, however, that BB needs to work a trade with Snatty for prospect Wladimir Balentien for this very purpose - Balentien in Balencia. BB's offense continues to crank everything, but his staff has to throw 17 innings in three days on only three starts to make the minimum. Better hope Ubald and Bburn bring their best stuff. unB's lowest-paid pitchers, Guthrie and Floyd, looked good this week, and he's about to go over the minimum with some nice pitching numbers. Hit some dongs and keep K's down and unB could steal this one.

The Bostonians-Gone-West matchup of the week is BI vs. VR, a currently close contest that is almost impossible to call due to the underachieving nature of these teams. Bartolo Colon was absolutely murdered by Ryan Howard this week - just when it looked like my weeks of VR-abuse were going to blow up in my face, the trusty Howard made me look like a genius. Love that guy. BI's thorough house-cleaning seems to have resulted in a rejuvenated team, but he's falling just short in many categories. Can a team that's become known for its weekend fades turn things around this time?

Check out Mothership's pitching numbers through 32 and a third innings: 2-0, 1 HR, 32 Ks, 1.11/1.11/2.91. Pretty dank. Joba is looking better and better with each start, but don't forget about guys like Andrew Miller and tonight's Dodger starter Clayton Kershaw. Pretty awesome young staff, although the Ship has to be disappointed in the suckage that is Nick Adenhart (optioned back to the Junior League). Guapo has gotten a typically nice contribution from A-Rod, and the hitting numbers that were fruitless against Lacey are good enough to take several cats from the Ship. I think this one is going to be damned close, but Ship has got to get some dingers if he wants a victory.

Finally, we have the Muumuu Match (that's how it's actually spelled, you retards, unless you want to get all Hawaiian and start sticking a bunch of apostrophes in there) between Snatty and ERDR. I thought my stats so far this week were bad until I looked at Equipe's numbers through this morning. They are D. L. Uuuuuugly. .197 BA, .655 OPS, 8.31 ERA?! That's not the Equipe I know. Maybe it's time to put Jacoby and Grandy back in the starting lineup. Snatty should have a giant "Powered by Ervin Santana" sticker on him at all times - but his hurlers are all rolling out tonight and his lead will depend on good performances across the board. If this score is still a strong Snatty advantage tomorrow morning, Equipe should start planning for Week 13 already.

Also - I expect you guys to honor your muumuu challenge.

NEXT WEEK

Tommy's Thoughts returns to its normal form, with the latest rumors from around the league, dark farm nuggets, penises and geniuses, etc. etc.

Tommy's Thoughts #10

The wise and rotund Mama Jams has oft cautioned me to ignore all fantasy prognosticators, and to rely instead on my wits and the cold realities of the data. Something happened this past week that didn't just strengthen Mama's case; it also proved that Derrek Lee is a puss.

On May 9th, Vernon Wells went down with a fractured wrist sustained while making a diving catch. Immediately, the bells of fantasy doom began tolling. Conventional wisdom apparently holds that it takes YEARS to come back from a wrist injury, because Derrek Lee is still using it as an excuse two years after he hurt his.

One retard opined, "Once [Wells] returns, it will take him awhile to regain his hitting eye. Wells will not produce much power once he returns, either. Hitters who suffer wrist injuries similar to Wells' usually do not regain all their power for at least a year after the injury. You can use Derrek Lee's recovery from a similar injury as a benchmark."

Another fat loser wrote, "try and sell on Wells while you can get value for him. He’s not going to be the same Vernon Wells at the plate when he returns from a serious wrist injury. Ask Derrek Lee."

And this skank wrote that Wells was out for up to two months, and "As is often the case with these wrist injuries, there is likely to be extra time tacked on to allow the athlete to get the normal range of motion necessary to grip the bat and the strength to swing effectively."

It wasn't just fantasy dorks making these claims. FC principal (and Lee owner) C. Dave Sahl made similar comments on Shortpants recently with regard to wrist injury recovery time. Maybe that's not the best example of a non-fantasy-dork, but my point is, this injury was widely held to be Derrek Lee's Wrist II: The Quest For The Four-Year Rehab.

All the while, Wells' rehab proceeded smoothly. As the principal victims of the 2006 Derrek Lee injury, we of LM management were inclined to believe the so-called experts, but Vern was looking pretty good in his recovery, and didn't have any of the annoying setbacks that characterized Lee's rehab, including the only known case of "PTSD of the wrist" in medical history...

On Saturday, Wells was activated by the Blue Jays, less than a month after his injury. Sure, he was back, but his bat would be as limp as a wet noodle, right?

Saturday: 2 for 3, double, RBI
Sunday: 3 for 4, 2R, HR
Monday: 0 for 5 (game-tying RBI single later changed to an error by crooked official scorer)
Tuesday: 2 for 4, HR

Just in time to cover Carl Crawford's suspension for excessive pugilism...welcome back, Vernon.

Fantasy experts - smell me!

LAST WEEK'S GAME

Don't know how my fellow Northeastern GMs rode out the brutal heat wave last weekend, but my only clear memory is stalking around my living room half nude in the 100 degree heat, pouring down Harpoon UFOs like they were the essence of life itself, and screaming at Erik Bedard to cough up runs against the Red Sox.

It was a hard-fought game against the valiant gladiators of PMF. They shocked us initially by taking huge leads in runs and hits, our foremost domain, while our pitching staff floundered horribly. But as the week went on, the matchup grew tighter and tighter. LM got some serious hitting going on, while PMF hurlers like Jonathan Sanchez (kept from a likely CG SO by a six-run seventh inning in his support) cranked up the K's and wins. By Sunday morning, it was a 10-9 squeaker with PMF barely in front. That's when GM Bobby Walls did a very daring thing.

Leading comfortably in wins and strikeouts, leading losses by one, way ahead in ERA and WHIP, but way behind in K/BB and tied in HR, with both teams over minimum IP, he ran three starters out there on Sunday afternoon. There is a word for this, and that word is BALLS. Basically, this amounted to risking multiple safe categories on a CG SO-seeking gamble.

From most GMs, this would be unmitigated insanity, but PMF has the arms to back it up. The starters were Halladay, Dick Hard and Bedard. Each of them was a known shutout threat. With PMF's initial leads in runs and hits crumbling by the day, this was a bold move to turn the tables on LM.

Unfortunately, it didn't work. Halladay surrendered a dong to Luke Scott that handed one point to LM. Bedard endured a brutal 40-pitch third inning in ridiculous Fenway heat (thank you Dustin Pedroia). Harden dominated the Angels, but gave up three runs in 6 innings. The collective 1-0, 21 K effort would have been glorious on a Monday; but on this Sunday it wasn't enough to save PMF.

Still, I felt compelled to pour out the last delicious gulp of my last UFO onto my quickly browning lawn - out of respect for my homie. Many years ago, before the IP minimum went to its current level, I called Rob a coward for benching starters. (His response: "I'm starting Kazmir in a fit of rage!") Last week, he showed me the true meaning of courage. Bravo PMF.

WEEK TEN RECAP

As the weekend began, it looked as if we might have upset specials across the LOWV, but many of the favored teams ended up rallying to win close contests. With one notable exception. But we’ll get to that…

The Game of the Week was the Lacey Underalls vs. the Banana Belt, not particularly because of the stat lines involved, but because both GMs were desperate for a win. The erstwhile titans of the LOWV game found themselves, at this early June date, searching for a victory that would boost their sagging momentum. Their smack talk smacked of desperation. They fought for each category, tooth and nail. And in the end, neither of them got what they really wanted – a decisive victory.

A week before, Lacey attempted to make light of the smack talk function by having chit chat with Snaturals GM Major James Beans. Now all trace of good humor was gone from the team’s dispatches, in which Mama Jams declared herself “PISSED OFF!!” and ordered her team to “Start hittin or GET LOST!” The Daniel Webster-like advocate for civility in the LOWV was suddenly beating her team like a rented mule. To some extent, they responded. With Lacey’s typically sterling pitching stats balanced by a fantastic sixteen dingers, you’d think Mama would be satisfied with the result. But the team turned in another week of poor AVG and OPS, and got waxed by BB in the offensive counting stats. Yet they held their ground elsewhere: ultimately, the key players for Lacey were the awesome Hanley Ramirez and his top-notch closers.

Schmentz tried a different tack with his roster, beseeching them boosterishly to do their part in the battle. Going into the weekend, he targeted doubles (“doubles fest tonight guys! hang em and bang em!”) and he ended up pulling out the category by one. Not all his pleas succeeded, though. My sources in the BB organization told me on Thursday that the team was concerned about their pitchers surrendering homers, particularly Ubaldo Jiminez. This concern proved to be well-founded: a dongfest ensued and BB lost the category 9 to 7. You could look at this as being the difference, as LU beat BB by 1 point, 10 to 9.

While a virtual deadlock can be a satisfying result under certain conditions, neither GM could have been thrilled with the outcome here. LU will certainly take the one-point victory over his longtime playoff nemesis, but he is still looking for the decisive win needed to get back on top of the league. BB stalemated a potent opponent, always a solid outcome, but still trails the playoff bubble by more than ten games and lost ground on sixth place for another week.

Now, the season is long and both teams have plenty of time to achieve their preseason goals. At the very least, they proved their quality by battling each other to a draw.

My personal hero this week is the aforementioned Major Beans, who ambushed and slaughtered FC in a massacre of memorable proportions. As the rout developed over the week, my sources within FC obdurately held to a brittle confidence, with comments like “I have to think we’ll rally” that betrayed his inner dismay. Nice try, Power of Positive Thinking. His offensive might never materialized, and while Snatty delivered fine hitting numbers even without his Big Papi (Johnny Damon smacked 18 hits), he didn’t really need them when matched against FC’s .236 average and appalling .642 OPS. This deficit was compounded by an utter rout in the pitching categories, with triumphant Ervin Santana leading the way to an 8-1 flush.

It was not so long ago when Chris ventured on Shortpants that if Banana Belt got beat by “Snatty Boom-Boom,” this was an omen of the champion’s destruction. You don’t have to be an ink scientist to figure out that he was saying that Snaturals sucks. Obviously, he had no clue that a 17-3 blowout was coming his way Willow Avenue Style, with a coup de grace in the form of a well-aimed homophobic jibe.

FC was unceremoniously tossed from first place and will no doubt plot his comeback immediately, as evidenced by his refusal to summit with me this weekend in favor of vague “out of town” plans, which no doubt include spreadsheets, baseball cards, lots of his favorite Talented Mr Roto Columns, and plenty of evil cackling.

James Beans jumps to 8th and now has a chance to make a run into the playoff picture…

BI got some clutch performances from some underrated players. Joe Crede and JD Drew, much-maligned, laid wood on the ball and buoyed an otherwise lackluster lineup. Crede hit .611 with 5 HR and a 2.222 OPS! Suck it, Josh Fields supporters! BI also got a CG SO from Hiroki Kuroda, who was absolutely dominant. However, despite these individual performances from BI, Mothership rolled 23 deep in this game and deployed every player he could get his hands on. Some of his stats were ugly – 52 whiffs by the hitters and a 6.63 ERA for the pitchers – but Mike Jones threw enough logs on the fire to win most of the counting stats, and triumphed thanks to the depth of his overall lineup, as evidenced by his taking of AVG and OPS. The Ship continues to demonstrate that it has improved on last season, and right now the team is hovering around .500 and the middle tier of the standings, and looking to move up.

After promising to fart in Rob’s face and then guaranteeing victory over Mike, BI has dropped both games.

The tilted score of the unB/DLBP matchup disguised a thrilling pitching battle, as two streaky staffs brought their best efforts against one another. Matching 7-1 records was only the beginning: these teams battled down to the final day for Ks, ERA and WHIP (decided in favor of DLBP, 1.32 to 1.33). However, the game got out of hand once DLBP applied offensive pressure, and in a maneuver akin to turning unB’s flank, he took virtually every offensive category and ended up trouncing the Louisiana team 12-5. In the “silver lining” file, unB got fantastic starts from young arms Jeremy Guthrie and Gavin Floyd, which may be some consolation as Phil Hughes wallows on the DL.

As I write this, a serious-voiced man on NPR is reading the spiel of the corporate sponsor over the Dean Ween guitar solo from “Bananas and Blow.”

ERdR grows more entrenched among the league’s elite with each passing week, and held ground once more with an 11-9 squeaker over VR. Along with Lacey, Equipe smacked 16 dongs, turning a once-sacred LM record into a foul three way. Equipe’s pitching was nasty, and although he received few holds last week, he seems to have successfully rebuilt his bullpen after the first edition was derailed by injuries – nice pickups include Alex Hinshaw. How did VR – begging for mercy from the jump off – manage to mitigate the damage from Neil’s team firing on all cylinders? Batting average and the hits and doubles that come along with it – led by Nick Markakis – while nabbing pitching K’s and, shockingly, stolen bases. Gary Matthews Jr. had more swipes than Jacoby Ellsbury.

After I maligned Flash’s staff in my column last week, I received a telegram that read “Eff You. Stop” from Cole Hamels. I must have read the whole Wikipedia trying to find out whether telegrams in the 21st century still require the use of “stop”, so I could determine whether Cole wanted me to stop criticizing his team, or whether he just wanted to say eff you, end of transmission. It goes without saying that the answer would determine whether Hamels was a wimp or a badass, information I would add to my compendious dossier on all LOWV talent. Before I could find an answer, I checked my StatTracker and saw he had hurled a CG SO. At that point, I abandoned my research. Although his name sounds like an American Idol contestant or a handbag line, Hamels is a badass. Meanwhile, Mauer, Uggla and Swisher managed to provide enough offense to seal the win over Guapo.

One bright spot for El Guapo was his record-tying ten saves, which trounced Flash at his own specialty and forced Stokes Esq. to share his record book entry. However, Guapo won both AVG and OPS and yet got beaten in every offensive counting stat, which is pretty damn hard to do. The only explanation is fewer at bats...

But should one really shuffle the lineup when the bench is populated by sorry Bay Area outfielders? Guapo may be right in this case.

RECORD WATCH

After ten weeks, ERdR, LU and LM now jointly hold two records: Most HR in a week (16) and fewest GIDP in a week (1). Interestingly, despite limiting his GIDP to one in week 3, ERdR is the worst GIDP offender in the league with a total of 68.

The seven-win efforts of the unB and DLBP staffs was a shared record, along with FC (week 1) and ERdR (week 6).

Although the fewest-saves and fewest-holds records have been tied by several teams (as with any record that is zero) , it's worth noting that VR recorded no saves for the 8th week, while Guapo recorded no holds for the 9th week. Clearly, these teams have decided to specialize in one at the expense of the other, a strategy that has definite merit. However, head-to-head stats indicate that while Guapo is 8-2 in saves (and tied the record last week, as previously noted), VR is 5-2-3 in holds...

Dumbest entry in the record book: although the stat for Most Wins (Single Week) records the opponent this record came against, there's a also separate entry for Most Losses (Single Week). I don't have to tell you that this will necessarily describe the exact same matchup. Is it really necessary to rub the worst shellacking in league history in someone's face like that?

Although I enjoy tracking the Strength-of-schedule numbers, they will be pretty meaningless until the end of the season. After 3 more weeks, at which point all teams will have played all other teams, the person with the "hardest schedule" will be the person with the worst record, and the person with the "easiest schedule" will be the person with the best record. How insightful...

JUNIOR LEAGUE REPORT

In their continuing quest to prove their fantasy superiority, LU and FC used the fifth round to choose prospect picks that had not yet entered pro baseball. That status has been revoked; the 2008 draft saw FC's Pedro Alvarez go 2nd to the Pirates (kiss of death) while LU's Justin Smoak went 11th to the Rangers (sound the horn for dongtime).

One prospect blog gushes about one of Pedro's fellow Bayou Chocolate Turds: "Have you been paying attention to what New Hampshire’s (Blue Jays) Travis Snider is doing? It’s pretty impressive. After playing exclusively at DH at the beginning of the season with a sore elbow, Snider has played nine of the last 10 games in the outfield, and he’s been pretty good at the plate, too. Yesterday, the 20-year-old Snider went 3-for-4 with a walk to raise his slash stats to .273/.373/.459 in 204 plate appearances. Not bad for one of the youngest players in Double-A." I think we'll soon be seeing these Turds wearing the "brown and darker brown" of FC.

The Mike Moustakas Medal for funny names chosen in the first round: Yonder Alonso; honorable mention to Lonnie Chisenhall.

Enough about them Turds. LM fifth-round pick Aaron Poreda was promoted to Double-A...this is a big deal because he's the first of our young-ass prospects to make the move. Baseball America notes that "Poreda, who last year had the highest peak velocity of any lefthander in the minors, had a 46-18 K-BB mark and a 1.52 groundout-to-air out ratio thanks to the heavy action on his fastball."

LM PENIS / GENIUS

Last week's penis: Kevin Slowey. When I signed this punk ass off the street he swore to me he'd make PMF pay. Even though it seems to me that he already did that, I took him at his word. He delivered a mediocre start during the week, so I cut him to bring back Vernon. On his last day on the roster he BEGGED me to start him. I wisely didn't. He got shelled. If baseball was all about K/BB he'd be a hall of famer. Unfortunately, it isn't.

Last week's genius: When I watched Milton Bradley get into a fight with a fan at Dodger Stadium a few years back, a shameful episode that saw him storm across the entire field, swearing at the fans and ripping his jersey off, I called him a punk and wrote him off for life. Until I needed an OF, that is. Last week he was an absolute god, ripping off 12 R, 11 H, 3 2B, 5 HR, 9 RBI, 4 SB, .478/1.908. Those are insane numbers! Genius!!

THIS WEEK'S HATED ENEMY

Oh sure, on paper this looks lopsided. The LOWV's #1 team against the LOWV's #14 team. 50 games difference in the standings. But you know what? This is gonna be a lot closer than anyone thinks, for the following reasons:

1. My pitching staff is utterly unpredictable. I don't think I can trust anyone at this point, except maybe 10-win Cliff Lee and $22 closer Joe Nathan.

2. JD Drew. David Jonathan has his stroke locked in and continues to kill every pitcher he faces. Even getting hit on the wrist by Bedard on Sunday, a fate that normally sidelines him for a month plus, led to a run - and he didn't miss a single at bat and continued his torrid hitting the next day. I fear him in this condition.

3. Week 10, Snaturals v. FC. All the proof you need that head-to-head is a many-teated bitch.

4. No victory guarantee. Bravado has been BI's worst enemy. Will silence be his boon companion?

5. John Lannan almost ruined our season last year by breaking Chase Utley's hand...and there he is on the BI roster.

6. Adrian Beltre's yacht.

Needless to say, for all these reasons and more, I am taking my opponent very seriously. If LM blows this golden opportunity to entrench, there will be hell to pay!

ENDQUOTE

"I defend everything our guys did. I feel proud of the way we handled the situation."

Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon, boasting about his thuggish team. He later praised his son for kicking the shit out of the kid who cut him in line at the middle school cafeteria, and gave his daughter an iPhone for bitchslapping a romantic rival at the mall. Good for you Joe.

Buyers and Sellers

As we wind our way towards the midway point of the 2008 LOWV season, it is time to look to potential trades that could shake things up down the stretch. While we can’t claim to be privy to any particular rumors or information regarding pending negotiations, the list below is our best guess at what is probably available for the right price and package.

As you can see, we’ve organized the list into Sellers and Buyers based on the current standings. The Sellers represent the bottom seven teams who may well be shifting their thinking towards 2009 and moving some of their expiring, veteran contracts. Here, we've listed those teams' most enticing assets.

For the most part, we stuck to contracts that will expire by 2009 and whose current salary is arguably above their current production. Our feeling is it is these players represent those most likely to be moved by those owners with an eye towards trading big-money aging vets for the more affordable stars of the future.

As for the Buyers, they represent the likely playoff teams, or the current top seven teams in the LOWV. These teams are presumably gearing up for a championship push and should be looking to add increased depth to their squads in order to achieve it. Thus, they will likely be selling off some of their less tested, but deliciously cheap rookies in favor of some battle-tested playoff rentals.

So, the players we've chosen from their rosters include the cheapest players with the most potential. Now, we haven't included anyone who has already made "The Leap" or who is priced too high to be a legit trading piece, only those young players priced well enough to perk interest in teams looking to rebuild. We won't comment on any of those players in particular, as their values tend to be speculative, sentimental and uncertain. Besides we've merely chosen a sampling of young players, priced to move if the buying team should seek to acquire veterans down the stretch.

Obviously, this is all conjecture, and hell the buyers and sellers could flip places many times over the course of the rest of the season, but nonetheless, we hope it inspires some meetings of the mind and at least one or two deals by the trading deadline.

THE POTENTIAL SELLERS

BONOMATORY INFLUENCE

1. Magglio Ordonez $11 (2008) - Putting up solid numbers and at a good price.
2. Placido Polanco $13 (2008) - Second basemen hitting .300 are in short supply.
3. Carlos Lee $21 (2009) - Got a hell of a pop, if a bit of a low BA.

UNBELEAGUERABLE
1. Todd Helton $11 (2008) - May not have much pop left, but still hits at a .300 clip.
2. Hideki Matsui $13 (2009) - A little more pop and a hitting close to .330.

VICIOUS RUMORS
1. Vlad Guerrero $30 (2008) - Bashing in RBIs, but free-swinging and missing a lot.
2. Robinson Cano $14 (2009) - Still plenty of time to turnaround a disappointing 2008.
3. Aaron Harang $9 (2009) - Despite less than stellar Ws, still has intriguing periphs.

EL GUAPO
1. Brad Lidge $10 (2008) - Has looked unhittable, recording 17 saves and sub-1 ERA.
2. Chone Figgins $22 (2008) - Scheduled to return soon from sore hammy.
3. Garrett Atkins $11 (2008) - Always has been a second half hitter.

THE BANANA BELT
1. Ichiro Suzuki $24 (2009) - Long time face of tBB, but may be time for change.

THE MOTHERSHIP
1. Trevor Hoffman $11 (2008) - Atrocious ERA, but still getting the saves.
2. Paul Konerko $12 (2008) - Horrible BA, but still getting the RBIs and some HRs.
3. Michael Young $22 (2008) - Good pop in 2008, will get more in late Texas summer.
4. Andy Pettitte $8 (2008) - Solid vet starter will get more wins down the stretch.
5. Brian Roberts $12 (2009) - Has a ton of cheaper, equivalent talent at 2B.

SNATURALS
1. Adam Dunn $16 (2008) - Boom and bust, either HRs or Ks on every AB.
2. Torii Hunter $10 (2008) - Decent stats across board, good for the money.
3. Derek Jeter $22 (2008) - BA and power down, but can't quantify clubhouse presence.
4. David Ortiz $24 (2008) - Can't see Snatty move Papi, but could be a big chip.

THE POTENTIAL BUYERS

POOR MAN’S FART
1. Chris Young $9
2. Ryan Garko $3
3. Andy LaRoche $2
4. James Loney $3

D’LUCIOUS BITCH PIES
1. Rick Ankiel $4
2. Michael Cuddyer $3
3. J.R. Towles $9

EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU
1. Clay Buccholz $9
2. Delmon Young $3
3. Carlos Quentin $3

THE FLASH
1. Jarrod Saltalamacchia $3
2. Joey Votto $3
3. Cole Hamels $3

THE LACEY UNDERALLS
1. Matt Kemp $3
2. Chad Billingsley $1
3. Edison Volquez $1

FECAL CLATTER
1. Connor Jackson $3
2. Stephen Drew $3
3. Corey Hart $3

LASORDA'S MANICOTTI
1. Adam LaRoche $3
2. Kevin Slowey $3
3. John Maine $3
4. Dustin McGowan $3

Tommy's Thoughts #9

One of my daily pastimes is reviewing all the new smack talk around the LOWV. Bulletin board posts, blog entries, faux-broadsides, radio rants and brutal emails are all appreciated, but there is something about the smack window on the matchup page that can bring the best material out of a competitor. Whether it's the speech bubble the makes it look as if one's avatar is issuing forth the trash, or the strict character limitation that requires the author to make his case both cleverly and concisely, the nature of the Yahoo-sanctioned smack feature always makes for quality entertainment.

Some GMs are known for their weekly or even daily doses of shit talk, and some have even developed their own signature styles, like FC's capitalization of every word, or VR's near-suicidal pleas for mercy. Others are more reluctant - Flash and Guapo may leave smack up for weeks on end, while it's a rare and joyous event when PMF graces us with shit talk; and when he does it's always hilarious. (I still think "Bomar sucks my nunghole" is the best smack of all time.)

That's why one of my main objectives this week was to lure Bobby out of his batcave with specially tailored song lyrics that I knew would tickle his fancy. I considered several options for my parodic sculpting - "Come a Little Bit Closer" by Jay and the Americans might have yielded lyrics about how PMF's hitters belong to our man Jose (Contreras); the Coasters' "Along Came Jones" would have detailed a series of Wile E. Coyote-style threats unto PMF, including sawing him in half, blowing him all to bits, and tying him to the railroad track; while a more contemporary selection like Wu-Tang's "The Mystery of Chessboxin'" would have led me to compare my team to "an eighteen wheeler with a drunk driver drivin," and furthermore I would have assured Rob that "there's no survivin" a matchup with LM. Any of these choices might have inspired the reticent one to respond; but events forced a different route.

Brad Penny has straight-up sucked this year, and while I spent some time believing he would turn it around, with April and May gone, the record shows the odds of a bounce back were slim. Penny's never been a second-half guy, and in fact has only realized his huge potential in a couple of full seasons, including last year. Given that he was my highest-paid SP and had sunk to lower esteem than any of his peers - even minors-bound you-know-who - it was time to cut ties. The fact that this gave me the excuse to quote a 1919 37th St. classic, STP's "Pretty Penny," was the icing on the cake. And when I saw "Gomes. When you wake in the morning, Gomes," I knew I had made the right move.

Another piece of smack caught my eye this week - Mike Jones stating that "If BI was a character on the Wire, he would be Dukie." As hilarious as that comment is, I have to disagree. If BI was a character on the Wire, he would be Frank Sobotka: a garrulous, good-hearted man, the leader of a run-down union of soon-to-be-homeless has-beens who have no chance in the world against the forces arrayed against them. Every week that BI faces a good team, he's like Sobotka driving out to the meet with the Greeks under the bridge...

As for the rest of the league:
BB would be Omar.
DLBP would be McNulty.
El Guapo would be Rawls.
ERdR would be Prop Joe.
FC would be Daniels.
The Flash would be the Greek.
LU would be Stringer.
Mothership would be Bunk.
PMF would be Bodie.
Snatty would be Prezbo.
UnB would be Herc.
VR would be Scott Templeton.

Here at LM, our obsession with the Wire surpasses pretty much everything. We model our strategy after some of our heroes from the show. In many ways, our team is like Marlo. Not a factor in the early seasons, the man with the street name of Black quickly rose to power midway through the show with his ruthless dealings and focus on offensive might. However, Marlo's quiet, brooding persona hardly fits our style - and in some ways we're more like Avon - hot tempered, territorial, and sometimes we get too combative for our own good.

Needless to say, whichever comparison is more fitting on a given day, we know how to move a package around here. We're going to call our new product "Maple Bats!"

LAST WEEK'S GAME

Although LM had a commanding 16-1 lead on Saturday morning, I knew better than to count them chickens. I was entertaining my esteemed comrade Major Beans at LM's seaside headquarters, and as we breakfasted on Dunkin Donuts coffee and egg sandwiches, I said to him, "Webb starts tonight. Every time I face Equipe, Webb throws a CG SO on the weekend." Well what do you know, it happened again. Not only that, but Equipe's hitters put on their Sunday best and after a furious rally, they managed to close to a respectable 12-9 by the end of the game. This comeback preserved the dignity of Neil's team and allowed FC to extend his first-place lead, but our streak of impressive results continues nonetheless.

Being the classy guy that I am, I set out for Equipe's new Brooklyn headquarters for a conciliatory meeting with Daniel Plainview. I wanted to tell him I admired his team's fight, and hopefully he would have a few words to say about LM's fine performance as well. Not so much. From the moment I entered Plainview's office - a creepy lair, with all the shades drawn like the general manager's office in "The Natural," and a terrifying Hieronymus Bosch oil painting above the fireplace - he laid into me with claims of glory and defiant attacks against my past Thoughts.

"What a comeback!" he cried, the second I walked in the door. I tried to point out that a comeback generally means you closed a lead, as opposed to narrowing it, but he wasn't listening to me. "You must have been nervous when I dropped 6 homers yesterday! Every starting player donged pretty much! Furious assault!" I told him I was at the beach all day, instead of hunkered down before a monitor. "It was spirited!" he assured me. "With the injuries I was happy with the outcome. My pen was shredded! My starters wobbly! I had to make some decisions, cut some young bats to reload the pen!"

His glee was transcendent, but his visage darkened as I noted that these excuses hardly added to the glory of his rally. Bad move. He whirled on me, jabbing an accusatory finger in my chest. "Chase Headley has been on Equipe since Week 1, by the way. I got unnecessary flak for that." Sensing his fury, I admitted that Headley might not be the best example, but the fact is that he put a prospect of only moderate renown on his trade block, as if someone was going to give up a viable player to acquire a guy who was blocked by Kevin Kouzmanoff. He glowered at me.

To calm him down, I said something nice about Jorge Campillo, and like a summer rain shower Plainview's anger had passed and he went back to glorifying Equipe's Week 9 performance. "Can you believe Jacoby? He is shattering my expectations on SBs. He is dropping 4-6 a week!"

Sensing that this declamation was not going to end anytime soon, I quietly let myself out. I could hear him yelling about the glory of Mark Teixiera as I walked away down the hall.

As it happened, I ran into New York Senator Hillary Clinton on the sidewalk outside. As she eagerly glad-handed me, I swallowed my loathing long enough to tell her I'd just listened to the least gracious concession speech in history. "Fuck that, I'll top it! I'm a fighter!!" she said.

And indeed she did.

WEEK 9 RECAP

A bunch of records were set last week. Some of them were admirable, some of them were abominable.

LM broke the single-week record for runs by tallying 52; Guapo hit his innings minimum with 0 losses; FC's pitching staff racked up 78 Ks; and PMF's hurlers accomplished staggering results, setting records with a 0.84 WHIP and 6.67 K/BB. The previous record in K/BB was 4 - I know because LM held it - and PMF crushed it.

On the flip side, there were several "worst" records set as well. In addition to the usual 0 CG/SO/SV/HLD tallies, BI set a new low for doubles with 6 and his staff coughed up 14 HR, VR had a downright embarrassing 12 RBI, Flash racked up TWO futility records with a 0-8 pitching record, and Snatty's pitchers managed a record-high 6.91 ERA. (They were going for 7 but couldn't quite make it.)

The Game of the Week was a tough call. I'm going with FC vs. DLBP because this had a lot of influence on the top of the standings. This matchup featured two solid pitching staffs trying their damnedest to best one another. The combined line of winning stats from the pitching cats was as follows: 6-3, 2 SV, 7 HR, 78K, 4 HLD, 2.47/1.25/3.39. I am not really sure if that means anything, but when all was said and done each team took away 4 points from the pitching cats with a few cats tied. That left the outcome of the match up to hitting, and from there it was no contest. FC continues to mash, sparked by gloriously caucasian super-prospect Jay Bruce, who had a monumental 8R, 10H, 2 2B, 2 HR, 4 RBI, 1 SB, .526, 1.572 in his first week in the majors. Once again the Clatter catches the rest of the league with our pants down in the auction.

Meanwhile, though he does OK in the counting cats at the left of the row, DLBP continues to suffer from a profound power outage on offense. Consequently, this turned into a thumping by the league leader and is leading a lot of league sources to question DLBP's mettle after back to back thrashings. Was the impressive defeat of LM a fluke - or is this squad playing possum?

Narrowly missing GotW status was the mid-level bloodbath between BB and Guapo. Again, there were really impressive stats from both pitching staffs, but by picking up zero holds and zero saves, BB ended up getting thumped in the pitching cats. However, an offensive assault from the Belt allowed him to take every category except K's, which qualifies as a thorough ass-kicking. Accordingly, he pulled it out by a point. These two teams are capable of making some noise, and sitting between 30 and 35 games out, still have plenty of time to make a move. However, unless they start beating down their weaker opponents, that deficit is only going to grow.

unB handed a sound thrashing to VR, keyed by solid offensive performance and less-mediocre pitching, though hardly any overwhelming advantages. How does an offense featuring Kevin Youkilis, Ryan Braun and Nick Markakis put up such consistently bad averages? Because there's a lot of dead weight in the lineup. VR has also been plagued by maddeningly inconsistent pitching, but given the solid names in his rotation, it's hard to fault him overmuch there. As for unB, my sources tell me that despite his weak position in the standings, GMs shouldn't get any ideas about sniffing around his young studs in exchange for immediate help. One recent trade offer was declined because the young player in question is considered "part of the Future" and "can't be dealt." Will this BB-like refusal to even consider trading certain players lead to a similar dynasty for unB? One wonders.

In the category of hard-luck loss is Mothership's Week 9 experience, when he put up sweet numbers across the board but ended up losing 10-8 after PMF set the aforementioned pitching records. Lurkman shows no signs of slowing, and the PMF staff is the finest in the league when healthy. PMF has moved into a tie for 5th and continues his campaign to avenge the defeats from last season.

BI vs. Flash was UGLY. Not only were the offensive stats pretty stinky, but these were the winning combined stats in the pitching categories: 4W, 6L (no, that is not a misprint), 3 SV, 7 HR, 42K, 0H, 5.68 ERA / 1.59 WHIP / 1.65 K per BB. Flash's offensive firepower has no consistency, as each member of his lineup seems to take the George W. Bush approach to the Iraqi Army when considering his fellow sluggers - "as they stand up, I will stand down." Standing up last week - Rolen, Age Gonzalez, and Pujols; standing down, Uggla, Tejada, and Mauer. And that 0-8 record....eeewww. I have a hard time seeing this team in the playoffs without something getting shaken up between now and then.

Lacey Underalls lost AGAIN, this time to Snatty. This score shifted back and forth across a 6-point spectrum throughout the weekend but ended with Lacey on the low end of the teeter-totter. Despite the string of weak scores, Lacey is actually playing pretty well, and it's a testament to his team that nobody has been able to exploit their advantages into a full-on rout. That said, this team now has 4 losses on the season and has yielded the title of putative favorite to FC. As for Snatty...the Big Papi injury is a dagger to the balls.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

When LM allows his girlfriend to leave the country, he at least sends her to a pitching-rich nation like Japan. Conversely, the Banana Belt takes up with a lady living in a nation that, while great and glorious, is not known for its MLB prospects: Espana. He goes to visit her and manages to miss his IP minimum. Now the bombshell - BB is temporarily relocating his headquarters to Valencia, Spain. In the annals of following the feline, this beats all.

Of course, I'm overjoyed at this news, both for Ricky's happiness and because he is hearkening to the very motherland of LM owner Dick Beatonian. Any cosmopolitan queer can move to Barcelona, but Schmentz decided to keep it real and move to the home of one of the ultimate badasses in world history, El Cid.

Still, it begs the question: will this trans-Atlantic quest carry Rick away from his dominance of the LOWV, or harden him into an even more ruthless and cunning conquistador? Like FC, who recently stammered on Shortpants when asked if BB was finished, I am far from ready to declare that either possibility is for certain.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

Last week's penis: Chien-Ming Wang pitched ATROCIOUSLY last week. Still, considering Joba's start last night, CMW's position as ace of the NYY appears to be secure...which can't make any fans of the NYY very happy, can it?

Last week's genius: When Jacoby Ellsbury is swiping a bag every five seconds, you need a top-class speedster to take SBs while facing ERdR. Shane Victorino answered the call admirably last week, tallying 12 R, 10 H, 3 2B, 4 SB, .435/1.101 - and we edged Equipe in stolen bases by one. Anytime somebody has double-digit hits and even more runs than hits, you know they are a scoring machine. Mahalo, my homey.

JUNIOR LEAGUE REPORT

One GM slipped me a not-so-flattering link about DLBP prospect Jose Tabata. The article is headlined "Thunder RF Tabata disciplined again," which is a really bad sign right there. Again??

TRENTON - Thunder right fielder Jose Tabata was yanked from tonight's game against visiting New Hampshire in the fifth inning for unspecified disciplinary reasons.

Suspended three games by the Yankees for leaving Waterfront Park following an April 26 strikeout that dropped his batting average below .200, Tabata was expelled from the dugout and was seen sitting in front of his locker as the Fisher Cats grabbed a 4-3 lead in the eighth inning...

Manager Tony Franklin refused to address the specifics as to why the 19-year-old Tabata was pulled and sent back to the clubhouse.

"We had an in-house issue we needed to deal with. Don't ask me what it is because I'm not telling you,'' a visibly irritated Franklin said. "We're very pleased with the way he is playing. He is playing hard. But there are certain standards that need to be met within this organization and with this team, and when those standards are not met we take action. It's our job to make sure these players know what they are supposed to do at all times out there.''

Franklin did not rule out further discipline for Tabata, who was 0-for-2 before being removed.

While Jair Jurrjens has proved to be a quality second-round choice for the Pies, I don't think much of his first-rounder Andrew (pronounced Ahhnnnd-draaa) McCutchen. Tabata was a nice fourth-round snag, one of the top Yankee prospects, but unless he can adjust his 'tude, this might end up being a bust for the Pies.

THIS WEEK'S HATED ENEMY

PMF has always played well against LM, including a defeat last summer while I was chasing blondes in Hawaii. We must be on high alert this week. Like the last game of a brutal road trip, this matchup has the potential to be overlooked by my men as they eagerly anticipate the comparatively lighter schedule coming up after the BB/LU/FC/ERdR/PMF New York City gauntlet of death. Focus, boys!! This is a nonpareil pitching staff balanced by the most lethal hitter in the league right now!

Had we met last week, LM would have taken it 12-5-5; Bobby's pitching stats were off the charts, but I would have straight dominated the hitting categories. So far my pitching stinks but I still think I have the superior bullpen, and I pray they'll make up in saves and holds what they've already coughed up in homers and ER. Chase Utley continues to hit a dong every day, and I acquired K/BB genius Kevin Slowey both because I like what he's doing lately and because it seemed a fitting "eff you" to my opponent.

Sure wish I'd grabbed Yuniesky Betancourt, though...

ENDQUOTE

"Bailey II: Last Chance to Dance Trance."

- Rick Kentz on Homer Bailey's return to the majors