Tommy's Thoughts #9

One of my daily pastimes is reviewing all the new smack talk around the LOWV. Bulletin board posts, blog entries, faux-broadsides, radio rants and brutal emails are all appreciated, but there is something about the smack window on the matchup page that can bring the best material out of a competitor. Whether it's the speech bubble the makes it look as if one's avatar is issuing forth the trash, or the strict character limitation that requires the author to make his case both cleverly and concisely, the nature of the Yahoo-sanctioned smack feature always makes for quality entertainment.

Some GMs are known for their weekly or even daily doses of shit talk, and some have even developed their own signature styles, like FC's capitalization of every word, or VR's near-suicidal pleas for mercy. Others are more reluctant - Flash and Guapo may leave smack up for weeks on end, while it's a rare and joyous event when PMF graces us with shit talk; and when he does it's always hilarious. (I still think "Bomar sucks my nunghole" is the best smack of all time.)

That's why one of my main objectives this week was to lure Bobby out of his batcave with specially tailored song lyrics that I knew would tickle his fancy. I considered several options for my parodic sculpting - "Come a Little Bit Closer" by Jay and the Americans might have yielded lyrics about how PMF's hitters belong to our man Jose (Contreras); the Coasters' "Along Came Jones" would have detailed a series of Wile E. Coyote-style threats unto PMF, including sawing him in half, blowing him all to bits, and tying him to the railroad track; while a more contemporary selection like Wu-Tang's "The Mystery of Chessboxin'" would have led me to compare my team to "an eighteen wheeler with a drunk driver drivin," and furthermore I would have assured Rob that "there's no survivin" a matchup with LM. Any of these choices might have inspired the reticent one to respond; but events forced a different route.

Brad Penny has straight-up sucked this year, and while I spent some time believing he would turn it around, with April and May gone, the record shows the odds of a bounce back were slim. Penny's never been a second-half guy, and in fact has only realized his huge potential in a couple of full seasons, including last year. Given that he was my highest-paid SP and had sunk to lower esteem than any of his peers - even minors-bound you-know-who - it was time to cut ties. The fact that this gave me the excuse to quote a 1919 37th St. classic, STP's "Pretty Penny," was the icing on the cake. And when I saw "Gomes. When you wake in the morning, Gomes," I knew I had made the right move.

Another piece of smack caught my eye this week - Mike Jones stating that "If BI was a character on the Wire, he would be Dukie." As hilarious as that comment is, I have to disagree. If BI was a character on the Wire, he would be Frank Sobotka: a garrulous, good-hearted man, the leader of a run-down union of soon-to-be-homeless has-beens who have no chance in the world against the forces arrayed against them. Every week that BI faces a good team, he's like Sobotka driving out to the meet with the Greeks under the bridge...

As for the rest of the league:
BB would be Omar.
DLBP would be McNulty.
El Guapo would be Rawls.
ERdR would be Prop Joe.
FC would be Daniels.
The Flash would be the Greek.
LU would be Stringer.
Mothership would be Bunk.
PMF would be Bodie.
Snatty would be Prezbo.
UnB would be Herc.
VR would be Scott Templeton.

Here at LM, our obsession with the Wire surpasses pretty much everything. We model our strategy after some of our heroes from the show. In many ways, our team is like Marlo. Not a factor in the early seasons, the man with the street name of Black quickly rose to power midway through the show with his ruthless dealings and focus on offensive might. However, Marlo's quiet, brooding persona hardly fits our style - and in some ways we're more like Avon - hot tempered, territorial, and sometimes we get too combative for our own good.

Needless to say, whichever comparison is more fitting on a given day, we know how to move a package around here. We're going to call our new product "Maple Bats!"

LAST WEEK'S GAME

Although LM had a commanding 16-1 lead on Saturday morning, I knew better than to count them chickens. I was entertaining my esteemed comrade Major Beans at LM's seaside headquarters, and as we breakfasted on Dunkin Donuts coffee and egg sandwiches, I said to him, "Webb starts tonight. Every time I face Equipe, Webb throws a CG SO on the weekend." Well what do you know, it happened again. Not only that, but Equipe's hitters put on their Sunday best and after a furious rally, they managed to close to a respectable 12-9 by the end of the game. This comeback preserved the dignity of Neil's team and allowed FC to extend his first-place lead, but our streak of impressive results continues nonetheless.

Being the classy guy that I am, I set out for Equipe's new Brooklyn headquarters for a conciliatory meeting with Daniel Plainview. I wanted to tell him I admired his team's fight, and hopefully he would have a few words to say about LM's fine performance as well. Not so much. From the moment I entered Plainview's office - a creepy lair, with all the shades drawn like the general manager's office in "The Natural," and a terrifying Hieronymus Bosch oil painting above the fireplace - he laid into me with claims of glory and defiant attacks against my past Thoughts.

"What a comeback!" he cried, the second I walked in the door. I tried to point out that a comeback generally means you closed a lead, as opposed to narrowing it, but he wasn't listening to me. "You must have been nervous when I dropped 6 homers yesterday! Every starting player donged pretty much! Furious assault!" I told him I was at the beach all day, instead of hunkered down before a monitor. "It was spirited!" he assured me. "With the injuries I was happy with the outcome. My pen was shredded! My starters wobbly! I had to make some decisions, cut some young bats to reload the pen!"

His glee was transcendent, but his visage darkened as I noted that these excuses hardly added to the glory of his rally. Bad move. He whirled on me, jabbing an accusatory finger in my chest. "Chase Headley has been on Equipe since Week 1, by the way. I got unnecessary flak for that." Sensing his fury, I admitted that Headley might not be the best example, but the fact is that he put a prospect of only moderate renown on his trade block, as if someone was going to give up a viable player to acquire a guy who was blocked by Kevin Kouzmanoff. He glowered at me.

To calm him down, I said something nice about Jorge Campillo, and like a summer rain shower Plainview's anger had passed and he went back to glorifying Equipe's Week 9 performance. "Can you believe Jacoby? He is shattering my expectations on SBs. He is dropping 4-6 a week!"

Sensing that this declamation was not going to end anytime soon, I quietly let myself out. I could hear him yelling about the glory of Mark Teixiera as I walked away down the hall.

As it happened, I ran into New York Senator Hillary Clinton on the sidewalk outside. As she eagerly glad-handed me, I swallowed my loathing long enough to tell her I'd just listened to the least gracious concession speech in history. "Fuck that, I'll top it! I'm a fighter!!" she said.

And indeed she did.

WEEK 9 RECAP

A bunch of records were set last week. Some of them were admirable, some of them were abominable.

LM broke the single-week record for runs by tallying 52; Guapo hit his innings minimum with 0 losses; FC's pitching staff racked up 78 Ks; and PMF's hurlers accomplished staggering results, setting records with a 0.84 WHIP and 6.67 K/BB. The previous record in K/BB was 4 - I know because LM held it - and PMF crushed it.

On the flip side, there were several "worst" records set as well. In addition to the usual 0 CG/SO/SV/HLD tallies, BI set a new low for doubles with 6 and his staff coughed up 14 HR, VR had a downright embarrassing 12 RBI, Flash racked up TWO futility records with a 0-8 pitching record, and Snatty's pitchers managed a record-high 6.91 ERA. (They were going for 7 but couldn't quite make it.)

The Game of the Week was a tough call. I'm going with FC vs. DLBP because this had a lot of influence on the top of the standings. This matchup featured two solid pitching staffs trying their damnedest to best one another. The combined line of winning stats from the pitching cats was as follows: 6-3, 2 SV, 7 HR, 78K, 4 HLD, 2.47/1.25/3.39. I am not really sure if that means anything, but when all was said and done each team took away 4 points from the pitching cats with a few cats tied. That left the outcome of the match up to hitting, and from there it was no contest. FC continues to mash, sparked by gloriously caucasian super-prospect Jay Bruce, who had a monumental 8R, 10H, 2 2B, 2 HR, 4 RBI, 1 SB, .526, 1.572 in his first week in the majors. Once again the Clatter catches the rest of the league with our pants down in the auction.

Meanwhile, though he does OK in the counting cats at the left of the row, DLBP continues to suffer from a profound power outage on offense. Consequently, this turned into a thumping by the league leader and is leading a lot of league sources to question DLBP's mettle after back to back thrashings. Was the impressive defeat of LM a fluke - or is this squad playing possum?

Narrowly missing GotW status was the mid-level bloodbath between BB and Guapo. Again, there were really impressive stats from both pitching staffs, but by picking up zero holds and zero saves, BB ended up getting thumped in the pitching cats. However, an offensive assault from the Belt allowed him to take every category except K's, which qualifies as a thorough ass-kicking. Accordingly, he pulled it out by a point. These two teams are capable of making some noise, and sitting between 30 and 35 games out, still have plenty of time to make a move. However, unless they start beating down their weaker opponents, that deficit is only going to grow.

unB handed a sound thrashing to VR, keyed by solid offensive performance and less-mediocre pitching, though hardly any overwhelming advantages. How does an offense featuring Kevin Youkilis, Ryan Braun and Nick Markakis put up such consistently bad averages? Because there's a lot of dead weight in the lineup. VR has also been plagued by maddeningly inconsistent pitching, but given the solid names in his rotation, it's hard to fault him overmuch there. As for unB, my sources tell me that despite his weak position in the standings, GMs shouldn't get any ideas about sniffing around his young studs in exchange for immediate help. One recent trade offer was declined because the young player in question is considered "part of the Future" and "can't be dealt." Will this BB-like refusal to even consider trading certain players lead to a similar dynasty for unB? One wonders.

In the category of hard-luck loss is Mothership's Week 9 experience, when he put up sweet numbers across the board but ended up losing 10-8 after PMF set the aforementioned pitching records. Lurkman shows no signs of slowing, and the PMF staff is the finest in the league when healthy. PMF has moved into a tie for 5th and continues his campaign to avenge the defeats from last season.

BI vs. Flash was UGLY. Not only were the offensive stats pretty stinky, but these were the winning combined stats in the pitching categories: 4W, 6L (no, that is not a misprint), 3 SV, 7 HR, 42K, 0H, 5.68 ERA / 1.59 WHIP / 1.65 K per BB. Flash's offensive firepower has no consistency, as each member of his lineup seems to take the George W. Bush approach to the Iraqi Army when considering his fellow sluggers - "as they stand up, I will stand down." Standing up last week - Rolen, Age Gonzalez, and Pujols; standing down, Uggla, Tejada, and Mauer. And that 0-8 record....eeewww. I have a hard time seeing this team in the playoffs without something getting shaken up between now and then.

Lacey Underalls lost AGAIN, this time to Snatty. This score shifted back and forth across a 6-point spectrum throughout the weekend but ended with Lacey on the low end of the teeter-totter. Despite the string of weak scores, Lacey is actually playing pretty well, and it's a testament to his team that nobody has been able to exploit their advantages into a full-on rout. That said, this team now has 4 losses on the season and has yielded the title of putative favorite to FC. As for Snatty...the Big Papi injury is a dagger to the balls.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

When LM allows his girlfriend to leave the country, he at least sends her to a pitching-rich nation like Japan. Conversely, the Banana Belt takes up with a lady living in a nation that, while great and glorious, is not known for its MLB prospects: Espana. He goes to visit her and manages to miss his IP minimum. Now the bombshell - BB is temporarily relocating his headquarters to Valencia, Spain. In the annals of following the feline, this beats all.

Of course, I'm overjoyed at this news, both for Ricky's happiness and because he is hearkening to the very motherland of LM owner Dick Beatonian. Any cosmopolitan queer can move to Barcelona, but Schmentz decided to keep it real and move to the home of one of the ultimate badasses in world history, El Cid.

Still, it begs the question: will this trans-Atlantic quest carry Rick away from his dominance of the LOWV, or harden him into an even more ruthless and cunning conquistador? Like FC, who recently stammered on Shortpants when asked if BB was finished, I am far from ready to declare that either possibility is for certain.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

Last week's penis: Chien-Ming Wang pitched ATROCIOUSLY last week. Still, considering Joba's start last night, CMW's position as ace of the NYY appears to be secure...which can't make any fans of the NYY very happy, can it?

Last week's genius: When Jacoby Ellsbury is swiping a bag every five seconds, you need a top-class speedster to take SBs while facing ERdR. Shane Victorino answered the call admirably last week, tallying 12 R, 10 H, 3 2B, 4 SB, .435/1.101 - and we edged Equipe in stolen bases by one. Anytime somebody has double-digit hits and even more runs than hits, you know they are a scoring machine. Mahalo, my homey.

JUNIOR LEAGUE REPORT

One GM slipped me a not-so-flattering link about DLBP prospect Jose Tabata. The article is headlined "Thunder RF Tabata disciplined again," which is a really bad sign right there. Again??

TRENTON - Thunder right fielder Jose Tabata was yanked from tonight's game against visiting New Hampshire in the fifth inning for unspecified disciplinary reasons.

Suspended three games by the Yankees for leaving Waterfront Park following an April 26 strikeout that dropped his batting average below .200, Tabata was expelled from the dugout and was seen sitting in front of his locker as the Fisher Cats grabbed a 4-3 lead in the eighth inning...

Manager Tony Franklin refused to address the specifics as to why the 19-year-old Tabata was pulled and sent back to the clubhouse.

"We had an in-house issue we needed to deal with. Don't ask me what it is because I'm not telling you,'' a visibly irritated Franklin said. "We're very pleased with the way he is playing. He is playing hard. But there are certain standards that need to be met within this organization and with this team, and when those standards are not met we take action. It's our job to make sure these players know what they are supposed to do at all times out there.''

Franklin did not rule out further discipline for Tabata, who was 0-for-2 before being removed.

While Jair Jurrjens has proved to be a quality second-round choice for the Pies, I don't think much of his first-rounder Andrew (pronounced Ahhnnnd-draaa) McCutchen. Tabata was a nice fourth-round snag, one of the top Yankee prospects, but unless he can adjust his 'tude, this might end up being a bust for the Pies.

THIS WEEK'S HATED ENEMY

PMF has always played well against LM, including a defeat last summer while I was chasing blondes in Hawaii. We must be on high alert this week. Like the last game of a brutal road trip, this matchup has the potential to be overlooked by my men as they eagerly anticipate the comparatively lighter schedule coming up after the BB/LU/FC/ERdR/PMF New York City gauntlet of death. Focus, boys!! This is a nonpareil pitching staff balanced by the most lethal hitter in the league right now!

Had we met last week, LM would have taken it 12-5-5; Bobby's pitching stats were off the charts, but I would have straight dominated the hitting categories. So far my pitching stinks but I still think I have the superior bullpen, and I pray they'll make up in saves and holds what they've already coughed up in homers and ER. Chase Utley continues to hit a dong every day, and I acquired K/BB genius Kevin Slowey both because I like what he's doing lately and because it seemed a fitting "eff you" to my opponent.

Sure wish I'd grabbed Yuniesky Betancourt, though...

ENDQUOTE

"Bailey II: Last Chance to Dance Trance."

- Rick Kentz on Homer Bailey's return to the majors