Shortpants XXVI -- Pulp Friction

Shortpants delivers an unprecedented Opening Day Spectacular that spares no feelings and pulls no punches. Mike discusses the power rankings team-by-team with the most serious talking heads in the business as FC and LU chime in with scathing commentary and humorless analysis. The great, unsolvable stats vs. scouting debate rages deep into the night as feelings are bruised, mugs are washed carelessly and everyone goes to bed angry.

It's gonna be a great season!!

Shortpants XXVI

(Bonus episode to follow.)

Preseason Power Rankings

PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS:
1. Fecal Clatter – Remains the class of the league and seemingly incapable of making a move that doesn’t teem with a uniquely profound, humble genius.
2. Banana Belt – If Liriano and Gallardo make 30 starts each, adds one of the league’s finest young staffs to a well-rounded, elite offense. No obvious weaknesses, bet on another first-round bye.
3. The Lacey Underalls – Offense is deep, young and cheap. And annoying. Still, with murmurs of arm trouble for Billingsley, needs Felix to step up and Volzquez to break out to carry the staff with Peavy. If not, expect a deadline deal to add another arm.
4. Lasorda’s Manicotti – Stout and stable. Having Verlander, Maine, Hill, McGowan and Wang at replacement-player prices makes it a lot easier to drop $35 on Street and Nathan. Barring injury, not a lot of holes here.
5. Poor Man’s Fart – Historically one of the league’s best staffs, PMF takes a real hit if Lackey is out for significant amount of time. Needs Harden and Duchscherer to stay healthy to keep pressure of the bullpen. Garko, Pence and Loney continue to improve but CF of the future Maybin still at least a year away from significant contribution.
6. Vicious Rumors – Solid collection of cheap young batsmanship, especially at shallow infield positions. A potential sleeper if the rotation comes together, which is possible but unlikely to happen this year, other than Beckett and Harang.
7. D’Lucious Bitch Pies – Look for a slide back from DLBP. Starting pitching is a concern behind Lincecum, Kazmir and Vazquez, and needs repeat MVP-like performances from Pena and Rollins to make the ‘yoffs, even as Rios, Gordon and Garrett Anderson continue to blossom.
8. El Guapo – Can the LOWV’s Billy Beane strike oil twice? $12 for Kerry Wood, $ for Kyle Kendrick and $10 for Lidge hint that a change in strategy might be afoot. Barry, come back! Will need to keep Greinke full of Tater Tots and Lexapro to make this staff league-average.
9. unBeleaguerable – The future is bright, but distant. Willingness to pay for young talent is looking to be a successful plan, though likely a year or two from making the leap.
10. The Mothership – Jones, Johnson and Hamilton the type of inexpensive talent to build around, and experienced big bats at reasonable prices in Thome, Konerko and Roberts offer safety net. Bullpen is stout, but starting pitching a crap shoot after Smoltz, Franchise and Pettitte.
11. Equipe Roi du Radeau – The anti-Bonomatory remains committed to its 2010 strategy. Haren and Granderson taking a step back from last year’s stellar performances won’t help matters.
12. Snatty – Lot of pressure on Ortiz, Dunn and Phillips to carry the team, which would be a roto disaster but will be a plucky head-to-head opponent. With Capuano shredded and Zito perpetually stoned, pitching a grave concern.
13. The Flash – Gonna be a really Snelly year if Pujols goes down. Lube up the nunghole!
14. Bonomatory Influence – Punting Punto and Willis pay cut a good beginning, and a staunch refusal to consider young talent could result in BI becoming this year’s 2007 El Guapo. Or a last place finisher looking to rebuild. PLENTY of cash to burn on a high-priced vet in trade and first three draft picks are likely ready to contribute this year. Lace up the hiking boots and grease up the trekking poles, it’s only uphill from here.

Baseball's Back in Brooklyn:Equipe to the Rescue

San Francisco -- New Equipe GM Heath Stowlit shocked the League of Women Voters this afternoon when he announced the ownership's decision to move Equipe Roi du Radeau to Fort Greene, Brooklyn. Many had speculated that the Oklahoma-based ownership group would relocate the team, however most had pegged Oklahoma City as the destination. In Thursday's press conference Stowlit admitted the rumors of Oklahoma City were merely a ruse meant to distract and confuse league officials while the details of the new stadium were hammered out.

"Oh, yeah. That was a load of hogwash," chuckled Stowlit, "I mean, I didn't start those rumors, but I sure as heck didn't stop 'em from spreading. I knew there would be a lot of league resistance to another team in the New York metro area, especially right in the backyard of some of the league's elite, but as they say out on the range, sometimes a town needs a new sheriff."

The team has partnered with Barclays Bank of London, a British financial power, and the New Jersey Nets, who are also planning to move to Brooklyn in 2008, in constructing their new home. The Stade will be included in the Barclay Center complex to be located on Atlantic Avenue in Brooklyn. The Stade will be located just east of the Nets' new arena and will be adjacent to New York's third-largest subway hub, with 10 subway lines and the LIRR, providing easy access from all five boroughs and Long Island.

"I have waited 50 years for baseball to come back to Brooklyn. Oy, it's not the Dodgers, but it'll do. A mitzvah, those Oklahoma boys," exclaimed long-time resident Michael David Seiberg.

Other residents were not so pleased. "What the hell do we need a new ball park for?" queried Nick Lombardi. "I mean, think of all the people this is displacing and all the gentrification this is going to cause," he pointed out between sips of his carmel macchiato. "I generally ride my single-track bike over towards that area on the weekends on my way to yoga and the organic food markets, now all that is going to be packed with yokels from Long Island. Besides, I'm a LUNA for life, you know, member of the Lacey Underalls Nation."

Regardless of what anyone thinks, it appears the move is imminent. Some have even speculated that the stadium could open over the all-star break. For many residents of the area this would be a welcome change.

"I spend over $80 on a ticket to see LU play BB," noted an exasperated Atticus Stonecutter as he sat on the stood outside the Masonic Temple on Lafayette. "I understand those are real contenders like, but I ain't got that kinda money to spend. I'd rather pay a reasonable rate to see a young team who play for the love of the game. As far as I know, that's Equipe."

The Junior League affiliate, Les Dauphins, will be remaining in San Francisco for the foreseeable future. However, Stowlit indicated that could change should a better opportunity arise.

At any rate, it's going to make for an interesting summer.

Equipe Notes: Stowlit also unveiled the team's new logo for the 2008 campaign.

Dépêches de Camp d'Equipe

- Team sources report that Patterson-Lemerise trade may not go through after all. It appears that there are two obstacles that may force Equipe and Lacey Underalls to get more creative if they want to complete the trade of the all-star fiancee Patterson for the league's perennial best girlfriend Lemerise by opening day. It appears Equipe GM Nils Coq au Vin overlooked an obscure league rule that could potentially block the trade. Although Leah Wiliams is the only player in the league with a specific no-trade clause in her contract, league rules dictate that players in the first year of their contract as a fiancee -- but who also ended last season with the same team as a starting girlfriend and are thus eligible for Early Bird or full Larry Bird free-agent rights at the end of the contract -- cannot be traded without their consent. Patterson, who earns $2.4 million this season, is one of 2 such players in the league at present, afforded the right to either approve or veto trades because those Bird rights are lost if they do get traded.

- To make matters worse, this obscure rule is not the only hindrance to the Patterson-Lemerise trade. Sources indicate that Lemerise, coming off a particularly rich cooking club week may have failed the physical administered by Equipe officials. While there has been no official word from Equipe's headquarters, GM Nils Coq au Vin was reportedly seen meeting with GM Major Jimmy Beans of Snaturals, famed diet guru. Was Coq au Vin discussing a possible trade with the Snaturals' GM or was he learning the secrets to Maj. Beans' numerous weight loss titles?

- Speaking of Mssr. Coq au Vin, it appears the complications surrounding the Patterson-Lemerise trade have placed him in hot water with the new Oklahoma City based ownership group. Word around the camp fire is Heath Stowlit was not pleased with Coq au Vin's failure to land a marque FA in the offseason. Furthermore, those close to the square-jawed owner report that Stowlit was rankled by the recent press coverage of Coq au Vin's private life. They hint that Coq au Vin could be, how do you say?, ah yes, fin.

- When confronted with the possibility outside Camp d'Equipe, a disheveled and unshaven Coq au Vin was particularly defiant."I do not know what I could do to[sic] the new owner. I bought a lot of talented players. I put the team in position to compete for years to come. So what if I like to have a little fun? Who does not? Merde."

- If Coq au Vin does get the ax, who are the possible replacements? Some league sources have suggested Mike Jones of The Mothership. Jones has a reputation as a bombastic and spontaneous GM who is not afraid to make big free agent acquisitions or make statements to the press. While Jones appears to be very happy at the Ship, there is speculation he might want to move to a larger, more established market. Some have even speculated about Fecal Clatter's Christopher David Sahl, who is known to prefer the talents of younger men and seemed genuinely excited to meet several members of Equipe in the off-season. However with FC as a potential contender, it seems unlikely Sahl will jump ship after all his hard work insatiably honing such a young, taught roster.

- Another potential candidate is Daniel Plainview. While widely regarded as one of the least player-friendly managers in the Junior League, Plainview would certainly provide the discipline and structure a young team like Equipe really needs in order to develop into a legitimate contender. Some question whether he isn't too brutal in his pursuit of excellence, perhaps too obsessed with success, but it is hard to argue with results. In the Junior Leagues, Plainview racked up an impressive record of achievement, virtually eliminating any real competition. Sources wonder if Plainview would bring his long time bench coach and confidant Anton Chigurh. Often referred to as the Fedallah to Plainview's Ahab, Chigurh inspires a mixture of fear and respect in the players he has coached. In fact, many former players refused to comment on their interactions with Chigurh in the past. Others were unreachable, having dropped out of the league and the public eye mysteriously.

- When asked about the possibility, team spokesman Curtis Granderson was excited, "Perhaps, a new GM would join my knitting circle...or help with the weekly bible studies. Grandma gets so tired running around cooking all the food. We could certainly use some help. I don't want to speak out of church, Lord forgive me, but that Messseyer Nils is a godless sonovabitch. Excuse me Jesus. It would be nice to have a godfearin, christian man running the ark." Other players were less enthusiastic. New Equiper, Troy Glaus expressed his reservations about Plainview. "I used to play for him back in winter ball sometime around my rookie year. I didn't have no trouble with him persay, but his boy, Antwan Chigger, or whatever, he was one weird dude. Used to just sit at the end of the bench and stare at you. One day, he just asked Eddie Murray to go for a walk with him. Never came back. Nobody asked about it or nothing. Didn't want to neither."

- Finally, is this LM GM Andrew Beaton getting assaulted in Maynard?

Shortpants XXV -- Joe Nathan's New Friend

Host and roving correspondent Mike Jones set up outside the showers of the auction room and reports the feedback. Segments with every in-person GM, immediately after the completion of their roster. Instant insight and rattled nerves. The LOWV responds.

Shortpants XXV

Equipe Sold, Move Possible

SAN FRANCISCO –- A group from Oklahoma City has agreed to buy the LOWV's Equipe Roi du Radeau and their Junior League affiliate, Les Dauphins.

The new owners have set a two-month deadline to reach a new arena deal with San Francisco officials -- something the teams' previous owners didn't accomplish in their two years in San Francisco. After that, the new owners gain the option to move the team to Oklahoma.

Until then, San Francisco, come support your teams!

That's the conflicting message Bay Area baseball fans took away from Thursday’s announcement that the Equipe Roi du Radeau, headed by YSL LLC president Yves Saint Laurent, will sell the teams for $250 million to the Professional Baseball Club LLC, headed by Oklahoma City businessman Heath Stowlit.

"Ce n’est pas parfait. Biensur. This is not how we wanted le finale," Laurent said of the decision to sell the city's oldest major league professional sports franchise -- which began play in 2006 -- to an out-of-towner.

He said he turned down higher offers from potential buyers that he felt would move the team immediately. Some earlier offers were known to have been from San Jose, Calif., and Kansas City, Mo.

Stowlit is the president of Oklahoma City investment firm Barchester Capital. He was key to temporarily moving unBeleaguerable to his city following Hurricane Katrina. He told a Thursday afternoon news conference at his new team's training facility that whether Equipe remains in San Francisco for 2008 would depend on whether the team can reach an agreement with the city to replace or renovate Le Stade.

The arena was remodeled in 2006 and Equipe has a lease until 2010 with the city. The team and LOWV commissioner Chris David Sahl both have said that lease is the league's most unfavorable to a team and must be changed -- or better yet, a new place must be built with a new lease -- for the teams to remain viable in the region.

"It is not our intention to move or relocate the teams -- as long, of course, as we are able to negotiate a successor venue to the current basketball arena and arrangements to ensure Equipe and Les Dauphins can succeed," Stowlit said.

His crewcut hair and square, jutted jaw conveyed a bottom-line persona.

So did his words -- but only when he was pressed on what would happen if he and his partners, who have no known California ties, can't reach an agreement in two months with local politicians.

"If we weren't able to find a successor facility and relative lease by then, we have the option contractually to ... evaluate our position," Stowlit said, pausing to choose his final words carefully.

To many San Francisco fans, that already reads: Oklahoma Equipe Roy du Rodeo.

In February, upon the formation of his investor group in Oklahoma City, Stowlit declared: "The bottom line is, we want a team for this market."

San Francisco resident Aaron Morris, 18, stood a few yards away from Equipe’s facility as Stowlit spoke. Morris said he attends a few Equipe games a year when he can afford it and watches the games on television.

He was holding a homemade, cardboard sign that read: "Apres Moi le Deluge??"

Friend Ben Conway, also 18 and from San Jose, was standing next to him wearing a mauve trimmed pink, Equipe Curtis Granderson throwback jersey with a white T-shirt pulled over his face and head -- he said to represent the gravity of the day.

Conway's sign: " À la recherche du temps perdu."

A seemingly dejected Laurent said he came to realize he had to sell the team in the last 30 days. But he used the words "in San Francisco" at least a dozen times while discussing the team's long-term future under Stowlit. However, he admitted that his thick gaulic accent could have been easily misinterpreted.

When asked what he would tell a San Francisco kid who loves Equipe, Laurent said: "I told mes enfants, and les enfants of those I know, that I did this obviously avec trepidation and concerne grave. But I believe strongly this new group has a commitment to staying, provided elected officials meet him halfway.

"Je ne croise pas…pardon, I do not believe the team is moving."

Even Oklahoma City Mayor Nick Huckasee, speaking from his city, joined the cautious chorus.

"I think it's presumptuous to assume that Heath Stowlit and his ownership group won't own that San Francisco team for a long, long time in San Francisco or somewhere else. It's presumptuous to assume they're going to move that franchise to Oklahoma City," Huckasee said. "I understand that people are going to say that seems to be a likely scenario, but that's just speculation."

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newslum pledged to work with Stowlit.

"We're going to try and work with Mr. Stowlit and his group," Newslum said. "I think they're going to see San Francisco is a great place to do business. And hopefully their team will do well on the court and the combination of those will allow us to have an extension of the lease beyond 2010.

"We have been providing very specific offers to Equipe. We think it's an important part of our community. Those are still on the table."

And Gov. Rainier Wolfcastle said in a statement, "I am encouraged that the new owners want to stay in the state. I have worked with Mayor Newslum and the City Council and hoped that the teams would stay in Le Stade because I have been concerned about the long-term viability of the San Francisco Center."

Laurent said city and state officials should realize now that Equipe really may leave San Francisco.

"If the city didn't believe we'd potentially move the team, obviousment, we have a group now that does have an out," Laurent said. "But that's not what les nouveaux want."

Shortpants XXIV -- Banana, Beats & Beam

Shortpants throws down and has cocktails in a classic 4AM sit-down to discuss topics including arbitration results, the minor league draft, the rapidly approaching auction and newly discovered friends. Mike is joined by FC, Lasorda and the Banana Belt in a wide-ranging, sloppily profound discussion.

Part I (approx. 40 mins.)
Part II (approx. 67 mins.)