Preseason Power Rankings

PRESEASON POWER RANKINGS:
1. Fecal Clatter – Remains the class of the league and seemingly incapable of making a move that doesn’t teem with a uniquely profound, humble genius.
2. Banana Belt – If Liriano and Gallardo make 30 starts each, adds one of the league’s finest young staffs to a well-rounded, elite offense. No obvious weaknesses, bet on another first-round bye.
3. The Lacey Underalls – Offense is deep, young and cheap. And annoying. Still, with murmurs of arm trouble for Billingsley, needs Felix to step up and Volzquez to break out to carry the staff with Peavy. If not, expect a deadline deal to add another arm.
4. Lasorda’s Manicotti – Stout and stable. Having Verlander, Maine, Hill, McGowan and Wang at replacement-player prices makes it a lot easier to drop $35 on Street and Nathan. Barring injury, not a lot of holes here.
5. Poor Man’s Fart – Historically one of the league’s best staffs, PMF takes a real hit if Lackey is out for significant amount of time. Needs Harden and Duchscherer to stay healthy to keep pressure of the bullpen. Garko, Pence and Loney continue to improve but CF of the future Maybin still at least a year away from significant contribution.
6. Vicious Rumors – Solid collection of cheap young batsmanship, especially at shallow infield positions. A potential sleeper if the rotation comes together, which is possible but unlikely to happen this year, other than Beckett and Harang.
7. D’Lucious Bitch Pies – Look for a slide back from DLBP. Starting pitching is a concern behind Lincecum, Kazmir and Vazquez, and needs repeat MVP-like performances from Pena and Rollins to make the ‘yoffs, even as Rios, Gordon and Garrett Anderson continue to blossom.
8. El Guapo – Can the LOWV’s Billy Beane strike oil twice? $12 for Kerry Wood, $ for Kyle Kendrick and $10 for Lidge hint that a change in strategy might be afoot. Barry, come back! Will need to keep Greinke full of Tater Tots and Lexapro to make this staff league-average.
9. unBeleaguerable – The future is bright, but distant. Willingness to pay for young talent is looking to be a successful plan, though likely a year or two from making the leap.
10. The Mothership – Jones, Johnson and Hamilton the type of inexpensive talent to build around, and experienced big bats at reasonable prices in Thome, Konerko and Roberts offer safety net. Bullpen is stout, but starting pitching a crap shoot after Smoltz, Franchise and Pettitte.
11. Equipe Roi du Radeau – The anti-Bonomatory remains committed to its 2010 strategy. Haren and Granderson taking a step back from last year’s stellar performances won’t help matters.
12. Snatty – Lot of pressure on Ortiz, Dunn and Phillips to carry the team, which would be a roto disaster but will be a plucky head-to-head opponent. With Capuano shredded and Zito perpetually stoned, pitching a grave concern.
13. The Flash – Gonna be a really Snelly year if Pujols goes down. Lube up the nunghole!
14. Bonomatory Influence – Punting Punto and Willis pay cut a good beginning, and a staunch refusal to consider young talent could result in BI becoming this year’s 2007 El Guapo. Or a last place finisher looking to rebuild. PLENTY of cash to burn on a high-priced vet in trade and first three draft picks are likely ready to contribute this year. Lace up the hiking boots and grease up the trekking poles, it’s only uphill from here.