Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Vive le Roi! Le Coq Crows Again!


New York, NY – Vive le Roi! Equipe Roi du Radeau may still need an infield, but at least they brought back the guy who can find them one.

Nils "Le Coq" Coq au Vin will return to the team he built into a League of Women Voters contender, he and the team said Monday night in a joint statement. His long-rumored return comes six months after he was fired by Equipe and fled Le Stade in Equipe’s mascot costume to avoid the encamped media.

"As you know, we have spoken frequently during the last 10 weeks," the statement said. "We have engaged in healthy, spirited tête-a-tête about what it will take over the long term for Equipe to remain a great organization and, in fact, become a more effective organization in philosophy, approaches and ideals.

"Ironically, Nil’s departure has brought us closer together in many respects, and, thanks to these conversations, we now enjoy the bonds of fraternite and egalite, as well as a shared vision for the organization's future that did not exist previously. With this vision in place, Nils will return to Equipe as the team’s Premier Consul, extraordinaire et plénipotentiaire."

Nils declined to elaborate on the statement, which also came from principal owner Heath Stowlit. The team would not comment on how Nils will fit into the organization's hierarchy, but Stowlit denied that Nils posed a threat to basic democracy.

Equipe has been operating with Daniel Plainview as the General Manager. But the March, 2008 hiring were overshadowed by persistent rumors of psychological imbalance, reclusive behavior, psychotic outbursts and several shadowy deaths. This culminated in unexplained disappearance of Plainview from the public eye down the stretch, when it is rumored he was personally involved in the bloody death of El Guapo’s owner, J.J. Achermann.

The team was expected to struggle in the absence of Nils’s unique brand of drug-fueled wizardry, and despite a few key acquisitions, it failed to make the playoffs for the second year in a row. In response, the ownership seems intent on rolling the dice on Nils once again, seeing as he was able to lead the team to a third place finish in his inaugural season.

Nils's termination occured after a fortnight of bizarre and inexplicable incidents following the 2007 Spring Training Camp. It was reported widely in the press, that in the aftermath of Equipe’s 12th place finish in 2007, Nils’s penchant for bacchanalian excess and quasi-legal sexual dalliances were generating a lot of friction in the front office. When Nils’s massive gambling debts forced the club’s ownership to sell off the contracts of various players, many thought it was not long before Nils would be out of a job.

Nils proved them right, when he was caught by the night janitor attempting to stuff Stowlit's 12-year old stepson, then an intern with the team, into an overnight FedEx box. Reportedly, Nils claimed when confronted that he was merely trying to trade the young man to Fecal Clatter for a mid-century bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape that was "formidable...non, incroyable, oui...incroyable!" He tried to explain via satelitte phone from his self-imposed exile in South East Asia that it was well-known within the league that FC had an affinity for young men and specifically had sent out feelers for a supple, young blond boy with blue eyes. "He told me the day before, that he would, how do you say...ah yes, accept any trade offers at any hour of the day or night, n'importe quo. And what can I say, j'adore le chateau."

Nils went on to admit that his methods were unorthodox, but had he squeezed young master Stowlit into the box with less fuss, he'd certainly wouldn't have regretted it as the wine is extremely rare.

Nils, a native of Algeria, served in the French Resistance and the Algerian Revolution before finding baseball. He began his career as an intern for the King Faisal Babies, a perennial contender in the Algerian Winter League. Nils went on to a front office positions with the Hiroshima Toyo Carp and the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters in Japan, before rising to assistant GM for the Thailand Tobacco Monopoly in 2001. Nils joined Equipe as its first GM in 2006. On March 17, Nils belied a newspaper report that he had been fired and snuck out of the building moments later dressed as the team’s mascot – the Burger King.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Shortpants XXXII -- The Bubble



Shortpants weighs in on the scintillating playoff race as the LOWV regular season comes to an end. This week, Mike is joined by FC and LU as he dissects the bubble, is rewarded with purportedly unsolicited gifts, antes up, ponders who is going home alone, nails the Yankee coffin shut, discusses leadership, looks for the athlete of our generation, considers chemistry in fantasy and actual baseball and business, wonders whether to throw money at the problem, learns BI might not best the worst team in the league, praises for unB?!, analyzes September call-ups, observes a scrambled LM, and humors the Commish's explanation of important roster rule for all teams during the playoffs.

Finally, in a heart-wrenching discussion, Shortpants takes sides in the Mike & the Mad Dog divorce.

It's a good one, folks.

Shortpants XXXII

Monday, August 18, 2008

Tommy's Thoughts #14


All right, all right. I know what you're thinking, assholes. "Tommy goes silent when his team starts losing."

Go shower in douche! I haven't gone silent, I've just been balls deep in some bullshit. Meanwhile, I've been inspecting all of your teams and I have some very special thoughts for each of you. Believe it, you slut wives!

First, this is where I've been for the past month.

WILLOW AVENUE RUMBLE

Leave it to a ginger to ruin everything. This season was going awesome until our owner, Dick Beatonian, decided to relocate our team to Somerville, Mass. Just when I had gotten used to the placid ocean view, ideal for contemplating my master plans and threatening rebellious players with death by drowning, Dick decides the team needs to be closer to the Boston metro market to "maximize our advertising revenue"...translation, so he can order up prostitutes without paying a travel fee.

Whatever, I moved with this team across the country, so 45 minutes away is no thing. We decided to leave in the middle of the night, just to fuck with y'all.

The moving trucks were rolling down Broadway, on our way to the new stadium, when a red light in Ball Square brought the caravan to a sudden halt. A tumbleweed blew across the intersection. All of a sudden, a huge crowd of men wearing black leather jackets with a red stripes on the sleeve surrounded us. They held maple bats and, to a man, wore a cold blooded grimace.

In the cab of the lead truck, I scanned the hostile mob. In the flickering light of the Sound Bites sign I recognized more than a few faces: Torii Hunter glowered, Adam Dunn smirked, Orlando Cabrera molested a high school girl.

"Fuuuuuuuck," I croaked. We'd run right into an ambush of the Snatty kind.

From the crowd, Major Beans stepped forward. "What the shit is this?!" he shouted. "You're rolling on Willow Ave after dark, Manicotti bitches!"

"That's right, ese!" said his sidekick XNady.

"We're going to our new stadium, step off!"

"This is the slums of Somerville, and this is Snaturals turf!"

"Eat shit, Beans!" I said. "Last I checked this was an open city!"

"Last I checked YOU are an open city!" retorted the Major.

It was clear he was in no mood to equivocate. As a staunch believer in the importance of seizing the initiative, I knew exactly what I had to do.

"Let's kill these motherfuckers!!" I screamed to the team and we all poured out of the moving vans to attack the Snatty crew. LM was ready for the fight, having trounced our opponents in the spring and firmly believing in our superiority.

I led the charge, quickly disabling Brandon Phillips with a well-aimed karate chop to the taint. He fell on the ground squealing like a weasel on a grill. Bob Howry tried to grab me from behind, but I spun around, my girth belying my amazing dexterity, and headbutted him with my prodigious Neapolitan dome. He crumpled at my feet.

When I looked around the rumble, however, what I saw disturbed me profoundly. This was not the pushover Snatty that LM ravaged months ago. Our new crosstown rivals had emerged from the midsummer crucible tougher and more resilient than ever - and they were exacting their revenge on my overconfident force. They seemed to have Spidey sense, and every attack we tried was quickly thwarted.

Mike Mussina shattered a maple bat over Chipper Jones' head and then stabbed him in the abdomen with a shard. Melvin Mora shoved Chase Utley on the ground and repeatedly kicked him until he was coughing up blood. Derek Jeter felled Jason Giambi with a rabbit punch, crouched over his stunned opponent, and brutally tweezed one hair after another from Giambino's 'stashe.

Ryan Howard and David Ortiz fought in a dark alley like two magnificent black sumos. Ryan landed a few massive blows, but then started swinging and missing, over and over again. Big Papi grabbed him and threw him to the ground. He crushed Howard with a gigantic belly flop that nearly knocked out the younger man, then pinned him with his gut and pummeled him with fist jabs.


The more I looked around, the worse the spectacle became. Justin Verlander and Ricky Nolasco cowered as Mark Buerhle menaced them with a lefthanded switchblade. Jeff Baker valiantly stood his ground against Snatty's outfield, but Mike Pelfrey snuck up behind him and punched him in the spine, and he fell to the ground in a coma.

As I stood agog, an arrow whistled through the air, cleanly slicing through the folds of my ample uniform, miraculously leaving my belly flab unscratched. I turned to see Major Beans, pointing a second arrow at my eyeball with bow drawn.

"The next one will pierce your skull," said Beans. "Surrender now or die!"

Terrified, I fell to the ground. "All right...I surrender, you dick! We'll leave Somerville!"

All around me, LM warriors collapsed with exhaustion while the Snatty posse exulted.

Major Beans, gracious in victory, helped me off the ground. "Actually," he said, "I'm thinking of moving Snaturals Stadium to Medford. You're cool to stay here. You wanna....play Risk?"

THE EVIL PLOT OF "DICK CLARK ROCKEFELLER"

It was a balmy summer afternoon when the door to my office swung open. In the doorframe stood an aging, stout man I'd seen many times before on the field of play. He regarded me with a measure of animosity and a modicum of grudging respect. It was Lou Piniella.

"Tommy, you piece of shit," he said.

"What do you want, you fat fuck?" I replied.

"As much as it pains me to help you, being the Dodger pussy that you are," Lou responded, "You've got a rat in your organization. A fink. A fraud. A mole. A scoundrel!"

"And why should I trust a dirty Yankee like you?"

"Because you're using a precious roster spot on an imposter!"

Sweet Lou proceeded to tell me a tale that blew my mind. By the time it was over, I was booking a plane ticket to Arizona.

"It all started last season. Everyone in Chicago was excited about our young star pitcher, Rich Hill. But there was something about the guy I just didn't trust. He claimed to be from the upper crust in Massachusetts, but he kept getting the details mixed up...he'd tell one person he spent the offseason windsurfing with John Kerry, then tell someone else he spent it playing Beirut with the Kennedys. He claimed he went to Michigan, but he couldn't pronounce 'Schembechler.' There was something about him that just seemed wrong. So I decided to investigate...

"I determined to throw Rich off his game by asking him off-the-wall questions, like my idol Lieutenant Columbo. We'd be in the clubhouse, toweling off our naked bodies, when suddenly I'd query, 'What's better, the geodesic dome or Buckyballs?' Rich would look at me with curious puzzlement, and I'd say 'Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were from Milton Mass., home of Buckminster Fuller...' and smirk as he tried to explain his way out of it. Or I'd say, 'So what did you guys order for pizza at the South Shore Baseball Club - Upper Crust or Pizza Galley?' Then I'd ask him again a few weeks later. He could never keep his answers straight!

"It was obvious that this guy wasn't who he claimed to be. So I dug deeper. And what I found horrified me.

"I learned that the guy who showed up in Boise in 2002 to join the low-A Hawks looked suspiciously unlike the guy the Cubbies had drafted, but the team ended up looking the other way because he won them all over with his wit, charm, and hilarious anecdotes about prep school hijinks. For whatever reason, nobody asked him too many questions about the trench in his back yard that smelled suspiciously like a rotting corpse....his yakker was so filthy that all his oddities were overlooked. It was only after he was promoted to the Lansing Lugnuts that the Boise players realized that although he claimed to be a Boston Brahmin, the clothes he left behind in his locker had price tags from TJ Maxx...

"You see, Tommy, it turns out that the guy you and I believed to be Rich Hill is not the REAL Rich Hill. I think the real Rich Hill has been reduced to a pile of bones I exhumed from that Boise backyard. Fukudome is analyzing the DNA as we speak. The guy in his place is someone entirely different. Not just a fraud, an evil impostor with the destruction of LM on his agenda."

I cut Lou off. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "This doesn't make any sense!" I cried. "He was a member in good standing of FC, and nobody does his due diligence like Yurwurstz Nachtmarz!"

"That's the most insidious part!!!" shouted Piniella. "I traced 'Hill's' movements backwards through time. Before he showed up in Boise, he was in a sham marriage in Minneapolis with some short haired chick named Erin something, then before that he was a foreign exchange student living in Connecticut, always under different aliases, often aspirational ones - Dick Clark Rockefeller, Dick Hillman, Richard Kennedy Hillman, Dick du Pont, Richie Rich Richman, Becky Beezenbaum, and Baron von Maleejbeej...

"But his real name: Yurwurstz Nachtmarz Jr."

Piniella slapped down a fat dossier on my desk, at the top of which was a Norwegian birth certificate proving his claim.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I wailed.

"It was all a plan to bring you down, Tommy. FC chose a baseball prospect he knew you would love, had him murdered, and replaced him with an impostor he knew he could trust - his own son. Teaching him the fine art of the curveball, and liberally doling out bribes to opposing batters and home plate umps, FC guaranteed that the phony Hill would pique your interest. Then once he'd extracted Derrek Lee from you via trade - probably the stupidest thing you've ever done in your whole life, by the way - he gave Yurwurtz Jr. the green light to start sucking."

"However, what he hadn't counted on was my Piniellan ratiocination. I had just figured out the truth when I noticed that fake Rich had really let his performance slip. It was obvious that he had to be done away with, but in the bright lights of Chicago I didn't dare strike at him for fear of being caught. I knew if I told you about it you'd lose your mind and try to throttle him at Wrigley in front of thousands of witnesses. What I needed was a way to get him out of the spotlight entirely.

"So I decided to completely destroy fake Rich's confidence, so that he wouldn't just be subpar, he'd be outright terrible. I began questioning his ability to throw strikes, his work ethic, the length of his dong relative to the rest of the team, and his pathetic velocity. Whatever pride and ability his father had instilled in him quickly vanished, and soon he was just horrible. They sent him to Triple A Iowa, but that wasn't enough of a backwater to guarantee our safety. So I continued to send him letters and call him on the phone, telling him how much he sucks and how good our team is now that he's gone. They sent him down to rookie ball, and there he dwells - in Arizona. Do you know how few people stick around Arizona in August? It's basically just Mexicans and coyotes!"

Suddenly, the biggest bafflement I've dealt with all season became crystal clear. And I knew exactly what I had to do.

Twelve hours later, I pulled my rental car up to the Cubs facility in Arizona. It was quiet, almost too quiet. There wasn't a game or practice going on - just pseudo Hill spinning tales for a bunch of credulous 19 year old teammates.

As I approached, I heard him boast, "So I told Jenna Bush, 'Take it easy on my cock, I've only got one!' HEYYYY, Tommy!"

"How's it going, Rich," I said, barely maintaining my composure. "You wanna take a walk around the block and we can discuss your progress?" Then for the benefit of the onlookers, I added, "By the way, I just bought a yacht with gold bars and I was thinking it would be really fun to go to the Tuna Club on Catalina Island..."

"Love to!" he cried. "Guys, when I get back, I'll tell you about the time I danced the lambada with Lydia Hearst."

As we walked around the block, "Rich" tried to assure me that he didn't have Steve Blass Disease, and that he'd be back to tossing 11-K CG SO's just as soon as his back problems worked themselves out. "Yeah yeah," I said, "sure man."

A black SUV festooned with Cubs stickers suddenly swung around the corner, blasted up the street and squealed to a halt right next to us.

"What the hell?!" exclaimed psuedo Hill.

"Shut the fuck up," I said, and pistol whipped him with my nine. He collapsed in a heap. I popped open the SUV's back door, tossed Nachtmarz Jr's limp body inside, and told Piniella at the wheel - "hit it!!"

When the impostor awoke, we were flying down the 10 freeway towards California, deep in the desert and far from any signs of civilization. At first, he wasn't sure what was up. "Jesus, my head hurts. Uh, are we still going to the Tuna Club, Tommy? Wait a minute...Lou, what are you doing here??"

"Fuck you!!" yelled Piniella from the front seat. "We know who you REALLY are!"

"How do you mean? I'm Rich Hill!" he said.

"Rich Hill is in a shallow grave in Boise," I replied. "and if by 'going to the Tuna Club' you mean 'abandoned in the desert, soon to be sodomized and murdered,' then yeah, you're going to the Tuna Club - Nachtmarz!!"

The expression on his face abruptly changed and he spoke with a thick Nordic accent. "All right, you found out who I really am. But it's too late!! The damage I've done to your teams can never be undone! You're both going to fall short of the championship thanks to my father's ingenious schemes! Hahahahahahaha...."

Infuriated by his boasts, I almost capped him right then and there. But then I glanced out the window and realized - we'd reached our destination. Deep in the desert, I espied a sign: "STATE PRISON - DO NOT STOP FOR HITCHIKERS."

"Stop the car!" I shouted to Sweet Lou, and as he pulled over I repeatedly bashed Nachtmarz Jr in the dome with my gat. Then I opened the car door and threw him out. With a squeal of tires and the aroma of burning rubber, we blasted away down the interstate.

As I watched through the rear view mirror, an orange jumpsuited escapee snuck out from behind a bush, grabbed the stunned pseudo-Hill, and began ravaging him with the ruthlessness of Ron Perlman in Quest for Fire. I had no doubt that a horrible death was soon to follow.


Later that week, as we hit fungoes to the LM fielders, some podunk cops from Quartzsite, Arizona came to question me and Piniella about the Hill case. "Show up at a rookie league facility? You've gotta be shitting me," I replied. "Those 19 year olds must have sunstroke if they think they saw ME." "Look us us, we're ancient!" cried Sweet Lou. "Snowbirds like us don't show up in AZ until the wintertime! Hey, you guys want some autographs?"

Then we had some sandwiches and laughed about the whole affair. Life's funny sometimes.

AROUND THE LEAGUE

So LM is finally getting settled in our new headquarters, and with our scouting operations once again running at full power, it's time to look around the league and see what's going on.

1st - Lacey
A ten game winning streak that was truly a thing of beauty was finally snapped by VR last week. During that run, LU won by 10-9 twice and 10-8 once. As has often been noted in this space, close games are where true greatness is proved!! Some of LU's trademark players, like Hanley Ramirez and Nate McLouth, have been scuffling, and Billy Wagner recently went down with an injury, derailing the league's most potent trifecta of closers. But Jesse Carlson, Frank Francisco and Taylor Buchholz have reestablished LU's presence in the hold category, a trademark of this franchise that was in remission for a time, but no longer. And overall, this team has scary depth that means there are really no weaknesses I can espy.

With two weeks to go, LU is in the driver's seat for the pennant, but a very tough schedule of DLBP/Snatty stands in the way. The latter is a particular concern, because along with VR (twice!), Flash and LM, Snaturals is one of the only teams to beat Lacey this season.

The season-ending injury to Carlos Lee, mere days after LU traded for him, was another reminder of the cruelties of the trade market. In all honesty, I took no joy in this news, unlike some contending GMs I could name...

2nd - FC
Two players are absolutely mashing for this team, one heralded and acknowledged as a fantasy god, and the other roundly scorned by the LOWV less than a year ago. David Wright is this team's signature star, but Raul Ibanez was dissed in offseason arbitration by almost the whole panel: LU said "gross," and even FC said "Expected to carry too much in a crap lineup" and gave him a 1. Now that "1" is pacing his offense. One area of weakness is catcher. Victor Martinez is still not healthy, and while Jeff Clement is finally getting the playing time he deserves, he is hitting a pretty empty .306. But that's about as nit picky as I can get with this team of patient mashers.

Johan Santana hasn't always been a fantasy master this season, but with the postseason approaching he is rounding into form and has been very sharp of late, nailing a CG SO on Sunday to destroy yours truly. That blowout put FC in a position to threaten LU, which again brings into relief the shittiness of only one matchup between those teams this season. FC isn't that confident, however, complaining that he has to play the mighty VR this week. Who said winning the pennant was easy?

Finally, it's worth noting that this team is currently carrying SEVEN relievers, with one SP/RP and one on the bench!

3rd - D'Lucious
For my money, the most exciting team in the league this year. Manny Ramirez, while demonstrably evil, is now cranking balls all over Chavez Ravine and carrying DLBP to glory. Ryan Theriot is hitting so well, he's become a pretty good option at second base. Alex Rios continues to disappoint, he lost Wakefield and CJ Wilson and Lincecum for a time, but he is coasting into the playoffs regardless. The problem with DLBP continues to be his play against other good teams. Though the Pies have thoroughly handled LM, their record against the other playoff-caliber teams is mixed, epitomized by a recent ass kicking administered by Snatty. The close of his schedule pits him against the deadly Clermont combo of LU and FC. Let's see how the Pies fare against this platinum level competition.

Once again, I have to really dig to find some weaknesses. DLBP's bullpen isn't exactly lights-out, even K-Rod has been hittable lately, and his team ERA has escalated upwards. But his K/BBsmanship is undeniable, and the offense is strong. Pencil this team into the second round.

4th - BB
You'd think I'd be cursing them after they made me look like world's worst prognosticator by leapfrogging five teams into the thick of the playoff chase. Sorry. I love me some BB. This team keeps at it until it gets locked in, and nobody slaps hits onto the board like the Belt. With all of Spain on vacation or on siesta, Ricky keeps it locked to the keyboard, making smart moves, shuffling his lineup, and so on. His doomsday weapon is CC Sabathia. Matt Holliday has been a monster, and "untradeables" Ichiro and Reyes have been filling up the stat sheets. Liriano is back and nastified. Some BBers are struggling - Double-E, Kinsler and Pedro come to mind - but their woes are more than balanced by the geniuses on this team. You gotta love Nick Blackburn - unwanted in the rookie draft, his play demanded an FA signing early in the year and he has been pretty consistent ever since.

Of course, the information ministry of BB never rests. His current propaganda campaign aims to convince his rivals that he is just a lowly underdog compared with the "true dynasties" LU and FC. I laughed so hard I almost expired when he told me that, unlike BB, LM had joined the "Illuminati" of LOWV by winning a regular season crown. Nice try, but no. If three straight championships doesn't define the quintessential LOWV dynasty, than there is no such thing as an LOWV dynasty.

This week's matchup with Snatty is one of the defining games of the season. Can't wait to see what happens.

5th - Snatty
Quietly confident. Exuding love for his team. Scouting locations for a new stadium that he will own and operate himself. I don't think there's ever been a better time for this franchise.

Who's powering the offense? Would you believe Melvin Mora? 7 dongs, 39 RBI, an OPS of almost 1.200 in the last month - and Ramon Hernandez and Brendan Harris are also FA all-stars for this team. To say nothing of Mike Mussina...

Obviously, it all comes down to the apocalyptic matchup against Banana Belt. The first time these teams met this season, BB came away 11-7 winners - but this time Snatty is rocking a 7 week winning streak and looks tough as nails. As I found out first hand, Snatty is nothing to trifle with now that he's gotten reliable pitching and impact hitting to go around Big Papi. Is there any doubt that Snaturals is the GM of the Year?

Other than a dearth of recent CG SOs, this team really has it on lock right now. New Yorkers should be shaking in their boots when they behold this Bostonian behemoth...

6th - LM
Outright disaster!

I'm not going to lie, a major hindrance to my blogging abilities over the past month has been the impenetrable depression brought on by the utter collapse of my team. While LM hasn't been the only team that seemed headed for the playoffs before nosediving down the standings (cough cough, Flash), managing this nine (ten?) has been like watching a car crash in slow motion - what seemed like a championship season now appears to be the blackest mark on our team's reputation. Once part of the title conversation, we're now the ashamed owners of a six-week losing streak that has seen us get spanked by VR, DLBP, Snatty (see above), BB, LU and FC.

When I lie awake at night, asking Baby Jesus why this happened to me, three answers present themselves foremost. The first is hubris. Having missed out on the big money prize by one single hit last season, I was arrogant from the auction until my team was ambushed and basically destroyed by Snatty. I was so full of myself, I dared to count BB out (note to league, there is clearly a jinx associated with this foolish deed). Based on a methodology flimsier than a New Orleans stripper's underthings, I declared myself the pennant favorite based on schedule strength, then proceeded to play every hot team in the league and get thrashed. I also incited my fellow GMs to talk trash about Mama Jams behind a veil of anonymity. Meanwhile, I arrogantly blogged every time I beat a team early in the season, rubbing salt in their wounds like a true asshole. The main reason my team transformed from geniuses to penises is that I needed to be taken down a peg, and the fantasy gods did their worst.

The second reason is clearly managerial incompetence. I challenge any GM in the league to present a more embarrassing record of shitty trades than LM has compiled. Not only that, but I have a proven genius for extracting great performances in the unlikeliest of circumstances by benching a player, thus inspiring him to hit triples or hurl a CG SO. The icing on the cake is the horrifying memories of seriously considering picking up an FA - Carlos Quentin comes to mind - then deciding to wait a bit longer, whereupon another team grabs him and laughs all the way to the bank.

Finally, our team has had unbelievably shit luck when it comes to injuries. The bell of bad news began to toll when Rafael Furcal went down, blowing a hole in my infield. Then Vernon Wells got hurt, twice. CMW went down for most of the season, Brad Penny was horrid (it turned out he was hurt too), and John Maine fucked up his arm, leading me to trade for Aaron Harang - who got hurt. Chipper Jones and Milton Bradley have battled nagging injuries all season, Adam LaRoche went down just as he started his usual late season mashing, so I traded for David DeJesus - who got hurt. Extremely promising Dustin McGowan tore his arm all to shit. When Carl Crawford went out for the season I just had to laugh. I haven't even mentioned the dozen or so roleplayers who have gone down on me, like the time Jeff Keppinger was acquired by LM only to have his kneecap shattered by a foul ball an hour later. It basically got to the point where if a guy got hurt, I had to cut him or just give up on the season, so I started slashing, and teams like unB and Mothership are still grinning about it.

Shockingly - it looks like we still have a chance to fight for the 6th spot. And fight we will, even if I gave up all hope in order to preserve my own sanity a couple of weeks ago...

7th - Neil's Team
Thank god for Equipe, whose corresponding struggles have allowed me to stay in the fight. This team has some players who are absolutely kicking ass and some who are really struggling. No doubt his absence from regular computerdom while on his pre-wedding sex tourism jaunt to Southeast Asia is part of the reason why guys like Tacoby Bellsbury and Casey Kotchman have been getting ABs. I'm guessing he'll be a little more plugged in when he faces Mothership and the Manicotti.

That said, Equipe's collapse against the Flash yesterday was pretty embarrassing. I can't really talk, because my team got raped, but to blow a lead that late is emblematic of a stones shortage (cf. 2008 LA Lakers).

If you really look at how it shook out, however, that loss quickly becomes irrelevant. Fact is, Neil's Team looks pretty good entering the final two weeks. With some tweaks, his lineup should be dialed in. His starting pitching is headlined by the unhittable B. Webb and an increasingly dominant Matsuzaka. The bullpen is pretty solid (Balfour was a nice pickup). This team is still of excellent caliber and capable of doing serious damage in the playoffs.

LM/ERdR battles in the past have been some of the most exciting games in LOWV history. They generally feature Brandon Webb throwing a CG SO on the last day of the week, or offensive explosions that move handfuls of categories in an afternoon. Tune in Week 22 for the latest in this friendly rivalry.

Subplot: Does David Price arrive in time to impact the playoff race?

8th - Poor Man's Fart
If a poor man farts in the wilderness, and no one is there to hear it, does it still audibly quoff?

This team sits a mere 7 games out of the playoffs, yet it does not receive a lot of buzz around the league as a contender. A look at its roster reveals a team looking gassed...guys like Navarro, Loney, Sizemore, Reynolds and especially Berkman are performing at a lower level than they did in the first half. At press time, this team was operating with four starters and a bullpen whose erstwhile star, George Sherrill, has a 6.52 ERA over the past month.

The good news - his schedule of Flash and Mothership is more reasonable than most of his competitors. He's in excellent position to claim a playoff spot. While his SPs are few, they are superb. Aramis Ramirez has been hitting well, and Mike Aviles is definitely one of the best FA pickups this season. Over the past three weeks, PMF is 2-0-1.

Will this team thrive on silencing the doubters? Or does it secretly embrace the role of last man out?

9th - VR
Arguably the best infield in the league at this point in time, despite the fact that many GMs have sneered at the presence of some of the players as recently as this season. Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, Troy Tulowitzki, Ryan Braun and Robinson Cano are all playing excellent baseball right now. VR recently reeled off a 7-week winning streak and just last week obliterated the seemingly unstoppable LU.

The problem? This team dug itself too deep a hole and it's going to be very difficult to gain the necessary ground. The beginning of this season was a mess for VR, featuring his star SPs pitching horribly, multiple members of his lineup getting hurt or just stinking out loud, a bullpen that was a complete joke and desperate cries for mercy taking the place of smack talk. However, with guys like Cano and Beckett turning it around, and canny GM moves transforming the bullpen into an airtight unit, VR looks like a team that could take on anyone and win in the playoffs.

14 games is not an insurmountable obstacle. He'll have to smash FC and unB.

10th - The Flash
No sooner did I crown this guy than he falls off the face of the earth.

11th - Mothership
Spoiler alert!!!!!!

It seems to be an LOWV tradition that a team that didn't quite make the cut each year ravages a playoff or pennant contender, and then rallies the next season to contending status themselves. This season, Mothership may fill that role. With games against ERdR and PMF, the Ship's performance for the rest of the regular season will have a serious impact on the playoff picture. Essentially, if Mikeman inspires his men to glory the next two weeks, the present status quo will be preserved.

It's lucky for PMF and Neil's Team that Mike isn't the kind of guy who likes to play spoiler, and he that would derive no pleasure out of trouncing and thus eliminating either of them.

Psych!!!! I can just see him now, laughing with glee after destroying his fellow New Yorkers, torpedoing their playoff dreams and setting the stage for a glorious sail in 2009...

12th - El Guapo
The most notable thing about this team's 2008 endgame regards what it DIDN'T do...trade A-Rod.

As the trade deadline approached, there were widespread whispers that Madonna's love slave might be on the move. The most frightening scenario had Rodriguez going to Lacey Underalls for Jake Peavy and Nate McLouth. It was said that Lacey made panting advances, saying that Hanley alone was off the table. However, it is unclear whether the A-Rod/McPeavy deal was actually proposed, or if so by which side. The rumor, however, horrified half the league.

I have it on extremely good authority that Mothership made repeated and impassioned attempts to acquire Rodriguez, but balked at including Josh Hamilton in the deal. Other GMs attempting to work trades with El Guapo found that he didn't have time to address their offers, concentrating all his energies on a possible A-Rod swap.

But the deadline came and went, and Rodriguez stayed put.

In my mind, this was clearly the right move. While it makes sense for a team in the bottom quarter of the standings to exchange a veteran star for a package of young players, GMs were simply too stingy when it came to their offers. Alex Rodriguez is one of the top fantasy players in the game - you have to give up one of the top players to get him! For instance, A-Rod for Hamilton is a deal that makes sense. But Mothership declared that impossible because Hamilton is his "franchise", pointing especially to his $3 salary. In this way, the offers fell short as GMs failed to acknowledge that A-Rod is Guapo's franchise. Why would he settle for anything less than a top-of-the-line offensive talent?

13th - unB
Another team with a legit chance to make the headlines as a spoiler. unB faces two teams desperate for a playoff spot, LM and VR. He's playing with 2/3ds of a lineup - but the guys who are healthy are mashing. His pitching staff doesn't get a lot of props, but he has guys like Jeremy Guthrie who continue to get it done. unB never gives up and will definitely relish the spoiler's role against two opponents who favor Brady over Mannings.

Unfortunately, he only has one win in the last nine weeks. The good news is that win was over PMF, a team he relishes upsetting. When unB can piss in someone's corn flakes, he uncorks a geyser.

14th - Bonomatory

Few GMs thought the Lee for Upton and Broxton trade appreciably improved BI, although the injury to Lee made many appreciate the deal in retrospect. Still, this team continues a years-long malaise and needs to break out in 2009 to maintain respectability.

I consulted a GM who's a veteran of several playoff runs to try and come up with an antidote for Bonomatory torpor. Here's what he prescribed: (1) "Get an ace. Don't count on Dempster to be the man for you next year. I'm not totally convinced." (2) "Get a first baseman and at least a passable catcher. The Johjima/Overbay combo is atrocious." (3) "Genius move to leave Stewart out there...now you won't have to sign him until the offseason, right into the 5 year slot that will keep him at $3 through 2013. Put him at IF in the spring and move Upton to the outfield." (4) "Volstad was great value with a 4th round pick...keep waiting on him and you can have him through 2011." (5) "Anibal is decent, but get rid of Froot Loops." (6) "Don't be afraid to cut almost everyone off your roster in the offseason and rebuild from scratch."

My sources tell me the team's eponymous GM, Matthew Bonoma, has gotten engaged - my final thought is to shout out a hearty congratulations!

COMING SOON: A comprehensive evaluation of the Junior League in 2009, featuring commentary on every roster in the LOWV minors.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Shortpants XXXI -- Trouble Up the Middle




I hate not having time to post this in the properly produced manner, but time is precious. Shortpants is back, you filthy degenerates.

Shortpants XXXI

Friday, July 11, 2008

Tommy's Thoughts #13

First off, I am psyched at the announcement that we may soon be enjoying regular installments of Shortpants once more. If composing these blog entries has taught me anything, it's that the LOWV is a hungry beast, and feeding its appetite for entertainment is a hard job. Like a heroin junkie, the league gets hooked on your product and is soon banging down your door demanding more. You're trying to do other things and enjoy the summer, handle your personal shiznit, et cetera, and next thing you know, you're way overdue for your next installment and the natives are restless.


Don't listen to the haters, Mike and friends, and get to work. I hope the hiatus has refreshed y'all's minds and prepared you for an even greater radio show. I'll be listening!

In more depressing news, VR is giving my team all we can handle this week. Add to that a rash of injuries, a handful of strongly surging teams threatening to overtake us the the standings, and daily flareups of my agita - and you have yourself one pissed-off Tommy. I have had more than my share of outbursts at the press table and in the clubhouse as a result...

Reporter
: What's your opinion of VR's performance?


Lasorda: What's my opinion of VR's performance? What the fuck do you think is my opinion of it? I think it was fucking horseshit. Put that in I don't fucking ... Opinion of his performance? Jesus Christ he's hitting .368/1.011. What the fuck do you mean what is my opinion of his performance? How can you ask me a question like that? What is my opinion of his p - of his p-p-performance? Jesus Christ he's averaging three doubles a day! Jesus Christ. I'm fucking pissed off to be losing the fucking game, and you ask me my opinion of his performance. Jesus Christ. I mean that's a tough question to ask me, isn't it? What is my opinion of his performance?

Reporter: Yes it is. I asked it and you gave me an answer.

Lasorda: Well I didn't give you a good answer because I'm mad but I mean...

Reporter: Well it wasn't a good question....

Lasorda: That's a tough question to ask me right now what is my opinion of his performance... I mean you want me to tell you what my opinion of his performance is...

Reporter: You just did.

Lasorda: That's right. Jesus Christ. Guy racks four saves against us in as many days. Shit. I mean I don't want to - uh -uh I don't want to get pissed off or anything like that but you know you ask me my opinion. I mean he put on a helluva show, I mean he got fifty hits, he's driven in, what, twenty-three runs?

Reporter: Twenty-four.

Lasorda: Twenty-four runs so I mean what the hell more can you say about him? I didn't mean to get mad or anything like that, but god damn you ask my opinion of his, er, uh, of his performance. Seeya Joe. Shit.

Eff the mainstream media!! That's why I joined the blogosphere, because of dumbass questions like that.

THE THREE RACES: THE PENNANT, THE YOFFS, THE FUTURE

First of all, let me admit unequivocally that my end-of-season predictions issued on the 4th have already proven to be total crap. I now doubt that I can fight off LU, to say nothing of DLBP and FC; I definitely counted out BB and VR way too soon; and I fear that I may have terminally jinxed PMF.

So allow me to ditch the specifics and break things down in a more accurate manner.

As I see it, there are three races going on in the league right now. Each of them holds magnificent prizes for the winner. Each looks to be fiercely contested to the end. The winner of the 2008 LOWV pennant will take home a nice cash prize, a first-round bye in the yoffs, and a place in the history books. The winner of the battle for 6th place wins the pride of a playoff contender and a chance to take home the title. And the winner of the battle for the future - the competition among non-contending teams to reload and restock - wins a chance to bounce back strongly next year and change an unsuccessful '08 into a springboard for future glory.

The Race for the Pennant. As of this moment, there are four teams in the thick of it, with a fifth standing just out of range. When the dust clears this weekend, the leader is likely to be Lacey, who is looking to run his winning streak to six games and take his first outright lead in a long while. Over the last five weeks, LU has gone 59-35, and all season has shown a real knack for tying categories when he can't manage to win them - those half-games really add up after a while. LM is fighting for our lives against a mightily-slugging VR, to the point that I did a jig of glee when I saw we'd managed to scrape back to an 11-8 deficit as of this morning. We'll do well to hold things together and remain in striking distance of the Underalls. Meanwhile, I've been singing the praises of DLBP all summer, and only sounded a sour note last week - yet another reason why I'm running away from those predictions as fast as my stout legs can carry me. The Pies are a force and a legit contender for the pennant, and with each week they creep closer and closer to first. DLBP hasn't lost since his back-to-back smackdowns from FC and LU; will he be in the top spot by the time he faces them in the last two weeks of the season? It's quite possible. FC owner C. Dave Sahl was stunned to realize that despite obliterating unB last week, he didn't move up in the standings at all; but he has begun to take command of his matchup against ERdR, who is sitting a distant fifth and needs a very strong finish to get into this conversation. The winner of the FC/Equipe battle has a much better chance of overtaking the league leaders than the loser. Watch this matchup closely...

The Race for the Yoffs. This is clearly the most compelling contest of all, a situation that is continuously in flux and carries with it the most potent highs and disappointments of all. As I noted a moment ago, Equipe looks to be safely ensconced in fifth place and might even move up when all is said and done. But a sixth-place slot that looked like PMF's to lose is now totally up in the air as the Poor Man has stumbled against BB and LU. Despite adding Joey Votto, PMF is still struggling offensively and when his pitching falters, he is dead in the water. Still, this team probably wants the 6th spot more intensely than any of his opponents and will brave hell or high water to get it. The Mothership has refused to say die this year, and as the team's owner returns to the airwaves, the Ship has sailed for the port of glory and will be wrecked on the rocks before it runs up the white flag. (Holy metaphor, Batman!!) While the Ship only occasionally deigns to hit a home run, he sure knows how to fill up a stat line, and many times, that's enough. I was a jackass to count out the Banana Belt, also known as the greatest franchise in LOWV history. BB rallied to obliterate PMF last week, wisely cut Homer Bailey loose and might be welcoming Liriano back to the rotation soon. Bonomatory hit him with a strong right cross - Kuroda's CG SO - but the Belt is not going to quit fighting until the season is through, and God help us all if he makes the playoffs. Vicious Rumors is on a ridiculous winning streak and has been kicking my ass all week, even though I'm not playing that badly! Crunch his numbers if you dare: over the past month VR has been better than most pennant contenders. The Flash has fallen to ninth place after last week's debacle, and as of this morning may fall even further if he can't pull himself together. I initially felt that the trades to add Harden and Danks would mark a turning point in his season, and so far it appears that I was right, just not in the way that I thought. Finally, if his rout of Flash holds up, you have to count Snaturals in the mix - easily the least consistent team in the league this year. He's routed powerhouses, and he's gotten housed by basement-dwellers. But woe be unto you if you face Snatty when all his guns are firing. He can destroy even the most potent lineup, and thus it's too early to count him out of the playoff picture.

The Race for the Future. A year ago, Equipe and Mothership were taking on water at this point in the season; two years ago, Lacey was slumping towards an 11th-place finish. What did these teams do? They stayed focused and reloaded, and were back in the playoff mix the next season. For those teams who don't look like title contenders in 08, the goal is the same. Good teams are slashing quality players with season-ending injuries - scoop them up at a discount. Flip the aging all-stars on your roster for cheap and promising young talent. Audition $1 and $3 players for a starting role on your team the next season. Although it can be downright painful to call up the LOWV page when your team is in the basement, there are ample opportunities for these teams that only increase as the season runs on and the trade deadline draws near.

While Snatty is still fighting for the playoffs, he may want to consider reloading if things go south. Could he bear to part with Captain Jeet? However, his $60 in cap space might also make him a buyer at the deadline. Further away from first place we find a triumvirate of disappointment. El Guapo seemed to win week after week with smoke and mirrors last year, and despite a relatively easy schedule, he's just too far out to contend. Can he get a playoff team to mortgage their future for Kerry Wood or Ben Sheets? unB is stocking up his roster with injured players, a strategy that I love. He's headed in the right direction, although as I told him myself, I think Brian Buscher blows. Finally, there's BI, who Sahl called "our league's Tampa Bay" mere months ago - and yet Tampa Bay turned it around before BI did. In my opinion, what separates BI from a Guapo or Snatty is the lack of a real-deal, bona-fide stud like A-Rod or Papi. Put a player like that in with Carlos Lee, Magglio and JD Drew and you've got something legit. What would it take to pry Jay Bruce from FC, for instance?

INJURY WOES STRIKE LM

A dark cloud moved over our season this week, as we lost Aaron Harang and Dustin McGowan to arm injuries. Harang might be back later this month, McGowan can only dream of returning to action that soon. As I enjoyed a round of frisbee golf with Major James Beans yesterday, I told him that one more injury would mean serious changes to the LM roster. When I returned to the clubhouse, I found Vernon Wells nursing a sore pussy. The room was in turmoil - LM stalwarts like Russell Martin regarded the oft-injured Wells with disgust, fellow disappointments like Rafael Furcal tried to stick up for him, and team captain Ryan Howard tried to keep the peace. I immediately went ballistic when I saw my team in such disarray. The result was an all out screaming match in front of the team, the press, terrified clubbies, and a few small children who learned many new words that day.

Lasorda: Fuck no. He can't stay in the lineup, for Christ all fucking mighty.

Martin: Fucking Wells gets hurt running the fucking bases.

Wells: I feel good, Tommy.

Lasorda: I don't give a shit if you feel good, this is your third motherfucking injury in two years.

Wells: They're all freak injuries, though.

Lasorda: I don't give a fuck.

Wells: Tommy, I can rehab this mother fucker and be right back in there.

Lasorda: I don't give a shit, Vern.

Furcal: I think you're wrong this time, Tommy.

Lasorda: Well I may be wrong but that's my god dammed job. I'll make the...

Wells: I ain't fucking hurting.

Lasorda: I'll make the fucking decisions here.

Wells: You think I'm playing that bad?

Lasorda: I'll make the fucking decisions here, ok?

Wells: I put two runs on the fucking board yesterday.

Lasorda: (enraged) I don't give a fuck!

Howard: Hey, hey, come on....

Wells: Hey Tommy I don't have to take this shit!

Lasorda: Don't give me any shit, god damn it! I'll make the fucking decisions. Keep your fucking mouth shut, I told ya.

Howard: This looks bad out here man. Not in front of the press. You want to talk about it talk about it inside...

Lasorda: You talk about it in my fucking office.

Wells: If I felt bad then I wouldn't say nothing.

Howard: I'm just saying talk about it inside. This is not the place to be talking about it.

Wells: Yeah, ok.

Howard: Ok? That's all I'm trying to say. Don't jump on me, shit. I'm just trying to avoid a fucking scene out here, that's all.

Lasorda: That's right. It's fucking great for you to be standing out here talking to me like that.

Wells: If I didn't feel good I wouldn't say nothing.

Lasorda: I don't give a shit, Vernon. I'm the fucking manager of the fucking team! I've gotta make the fucking decisions, and I'll make 'em to the fucking best of my ability! They may be the fucking wrong decisions, but I'll make it. Don't worry about it. I'll make the fucking decisions. I gave ya a fucking chance to walk out of here. I can't fuck around we're sliding down the standings. If it was last week that's a different fucking story. I can't - I can't let you out there in a fucking game like this, I got a fucking job to do!! What's the matter with you?

After this shameful episode, I issued Wells his walking papers and then shitcanned Furcal for insubordination and wasting my frickin' money. My next goal is to assassinate the ESPN fantasy fruit who featured my injury armageddon in a column. "A painful day for fantasy owners"? In this league, it's more like fantasy OWNER!

PAY THE M-F-ING PIPER

I checked in with the Commissioner's office this morning to find out who had yet to ante.

The answer came back: the Banana Belt, El Guapo, Mothership and Snaturals.

In all honesty, Rick, BB's failures to ante sadden me. Not only did you have enough scratch to move to Spain, you're now making twice what any of us are making in dollar terms, thanks to a ridiculous exchange rate. Hell, I bet if you convert the euro coins that are sitting under your couch cushions into dollars, that's your ante right there. This league wouldn't be what it is without the majesty, accomplishments, inscrutability and genius that is the Banana Belt. But it is a black mark on the team's proud record that its finances are never in order. It's a goddamn shame when my hard-earned money goes to a team that didn't win the championship, just because the winner failed to ante up. Please, please, for the love of the Sagrada Familia and all that is holy, please pay up.

Jim, congratulations on graduating from law school and launching yourself on a career path where you are sure to out-earn me in perpetuity, while even in a down year you've proven your baseball genius by scouting John Bowker with your own peepers. No doubt the future is bright for you, good sir, in LOWV and otherwise. How about a downpayment on that success in the form of an LOWV ante check?

Mikeman - while I'll defend your radio hiatus to the death, I cannot defend lack of ante. Surely you can bum a couple twenties off D. Sheik, or finger paint up some amazing piece of art and get your buddy from Girls to sell it in his gallery. There are so many money-making options in NYC for a Wisconsonian stud like yourself; why I bet if you go Midnight Cowboy this afternoon you'll be racking up cash before night falls. Regardless, with the return of the radio show you'll be seeing the Madman often. How about slapping some cash in his hand next time?

Jamo, the Commissioner tells me you've often spoken of paying up this year, and historically you've been most faithful with your ante. I'm sure the lack of funds submitted to the league office is merely an oversight. It looks to me like you've got an outside shot to make the 'yoffs, so why not pony up and spark a little karma in your favor?

To all of the above, please send $34 immediately to
C. Dave Sahl
Commissioner, LOWV
338 Clermont Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11205

Meanwhile....our battle with VR has me in a constant state of fury and anguish. Hopefully this week will be over soon, before I drop any more f-bombs in front of the press...

Lasorda: I ain't fucking shitting you when I say this. That fucking cocksucker, he, he was burning himself right there on the fucking mound. Fucking swinging at fucking balls this fucking high. He walks - he walked Bradley, he don't come close to the fucking plate. (laughter from reporters) He walked Giambi, he don't come near the fucking plate. Two balls and one fucking strike and the fucking ball up in his fucking eyes, and Chipper swings at the mother fucking ball. How the fuck can you hit that fucking guy? Crawford, Crawford needed a fucking oar to hit the fucking ball today (more laughter), that's how fucking bad he was - their fucking pitches were. I'll tell ya, he'd have made a fucking great fucking cricket player, hitting the ball on one fucking bounce. I'll tell ya, that's a fucking crime. We had more fucking scoring opportunities (yet more laughter) to win that mother fucking game, and I'll tell ya that cocksuckers get away with that fucking shit, that motherfucker!

(laughter again - after this point Lasorda is completely enraged and the reporters' laughter is non-stop)

Reporter 1: That long enough for ya Jim?

Lasorda: I don't give a fuck I'm fucking shit, fuck 'em! Lucky motherfuckers! How the fuck can those cocksuckers get by with that fucking shit? Ah, put that in your fucking paper, TJ! Every fucking word I said put it in the mother fucking paper! I don't give a fuck, TJ!

Reporter 2: How do ya spell...

Lasorda: Put that in that mother fucking paper you work for! What in the fuck is the name of that paper, TJ?

Reporter 3: Tommy, what was your opinion of VR's performance...

Lasorda: Get the fuck out of here, Joe!

Reporter 3: No, no, I'm serious, I have to ask that....

Lasorda: I'm serious too. Get the fuck out of here I don't want to fucking talk to ya.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Tommy's Midseason Thoughts (#12)



Happy 4th of July everyone. America! Fuck yeah!

Sorry for the long delay between columns...but this one took a while to gestate.

After last week's results, we have now gone through an entire rotation and each team has played every other team in the league. There is no better time for a comprehensive evaluation of each team, because nobody can bitch that their schedule was too hard or that the sample size was too small. Also, we have an interesting situation with regard to remaining schedules - since we won't do another full rotation, some people will have it easier than others.

Therefore, by the power vested in me as the most compulsive blogger in the league this season, I present to you the Tommy's Thoughts Midseason Report.

REMAINING SCHEDULES

As the better part of the league gears up for the playoff drive, schedules will matter. A staff of trained monkeys and half-wits have been crunching numbers in the LM back office all week, and we have determined who has it easy and who has been screwed by the schedule gods.

To do so, we compiled the total records of all remaining opponents (including this week) for every team, coming up with a cumulative record thus far for that team's remaining opposition. We then broke that record into a raw score: Raw Score = Wins + (Ties * .5). This is the method Yahoo! uses to tally the standings.

For example, BI's opponents (Snatty, BB, LU, FC, unB, ERDR, PMF, ElG, Flash) have a collective .500 record - when their records are totaled, the result is 1099-1099-376. This leads to a raw score of 1287 (1099+188).

Here's a quick look at the raw score ranges and what they mean, along with how many teams fall into each category:

RS below 1260 - Very favorable schedule (2 teams)
RS between 1260 and 1270 - Favorable schedule (4 teams)
RS between 1270 and 1300 - Less-than-favorable schedule (5 teams)
RS above 1300 - Unfavorable schedule (3 teams)

TOMMY'S MIDSEASON HONORS

I've also reviewed each roster and each team's roster moves for the season thus far, and awarded prizes in the following categories:

MVP - In my opinion (which goes for all awards), the team's most valuable position player thus far. Stats are most important, followed by position. Salary not really a factor.
Cy - The team's best pitcher thus far. Again, stats are the focus and salary is disregarded.
LVP - The team's biggest disappointment / worst regular starter. Salary can be a factor if a player is drastically underperforming his contract. Young players are usually ruled out, unless they were counted on play a key role or make big bucks.
Pud - Named for Pud Galvin, "the Little Steam Engine", the first known PED user in baseball and the losingest pitcher in MLB history behind Cy Young. Goes to the team's most disappointing/worst pitcher, and again salary can be factored into this evaluation.
FA - The team's best free agent pickup of the season thus far, based largely on performance since joining the team.
Auction - The team's best pickup at the spring auction, based on performance for that team.

(Draft pick evaluations I'm going to save for later in the season, when each team's Junior League squad can be properly ranked.)

PREDICTED FINISH

A most unscientific estimate, based on the team's performance thus far, an informal evaluation of GMsmanship, the upcoming schedule difficulty, and various X-factors such as attactiveness of girlfriends and competitive fire.

OK, enough of this, let's get to the good stuff. In advance, I submit humble apologies for any errors of fact, confusion or offensive statements.

I now present to you Tommy's Midseason Thoughts.

BONOMATORY INFLUENCE

Current spot in standings: 14th
Games back of 1st place: 58.5
Games back of 6th place: 41
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1099-1099-376 (1287)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 9th

MVP: J.D. Drew, seized by BI in a very disinterested waiver auction last summer. Turns out to be one of his best moves yet.
Cy: Ryan Dempster. OK, I'm convinced.
LVP: Gary Sheffield, whose record-breaking $31 contract has produced very little in the way of tangible benefit to BI.
Pud: Dontrelle Willis - who saw that coming? Oh yeah, everyone.
FA: Braden Looper
Auction: Hiroki Kuroda

Predicted finish: 14th

Notes: There are some really good pieces here, including some nice contracts and quality players. BI is also the most active this season that I can recall him being, and he certainly handed my ass to me when we played. The issue is depth and consistency. When his key guys are off or break down, it's rout city. When they're locked in, the team doesn't fill enough categories to have the chance to blow out its opponents. In this league, that equates to a last place finish.

unBELEAGUERABLE

Current spot in standings: 13th
Games back of 1st place: 50.5
Games back of 6th place: 33
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1114-1104-356 (1292)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 11th

MVP: Pat the Bat (or as I now call him, "P de B")
Cy: Bobby Jenks
LVP: Billy Butt. Wasn't this guy supposed to hit like Ichiro in addition to looking like he ate Ichiro? That old joke was a lot funnier when he wasn't just a fat waste of space making a double digit salary.
Pud: Beatt Mywifers, who now languishes in AAA after blowing up unB's pitching stats all season.
FA: Gavin Floyd
Auction: Geovany Soto - unB's best move all year was shelling out some bucks for this stud.

Predicted finish: 13th

Notes: It hasn't been the greatest season for unB, but let it never be said that he didn't go down fighting. I was at his house last Sunday as he inspected his matchup with LU and broke down what he was going to need to do to stay in it. Ultimately, his team battled to the end to narrow the gap. A lot of GMs would have given up on that matchup. Here's hoping another year of seasoning for some of his young studs will put unB in the conversation in 2009. For now, he ought to dump veterans for prospects and keep building that young nucleus.

EL GUAPO

Current spot in standings: 12th
Games back of 1st place: 42.5
Games back of 6th place: 25
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1077-1128-369 (1261.5)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 4th

MVP: Madonna's Bat Boy, who else?
Cy: Daniel Haren, with an honorable mention to the nearly flawless Lidge.
LVP: Barry Bonds, honestly this makes zero sense to me.
Pud: Tom Gorzelanny, the clock struck midnight and he turned back into a pumpkin. An ugly pumpkin with a name suited for a ugbo.
FA: Skip Schumaker
Auction: Kerry Wood - I'll admit I was most skeptical, but this turned into a genius pickup.

Predicted finish: 11th

Notes: The schedule looks good, and there are some elite players on this team. However, in evaluating the next few weeks, I don't have a lot of confidence in Guapo doing the little things that it takes to effect a dramatic rise in the rankings. His biggest win is 11-6 this season, and you need blowouts to jump from 12th into the playoff picture. Why play virtually without an offensive bench? Why leave an open spot at RP when Brad Ziegler is racking up holds mere miles away? Far be it from me to backseat-manage...aw, who am I kidding, that's practically what this column is all about.

SNATURALS

Current spot in standings: 11th
Games back of 1st place: 38.5
Games back of 6th place: 21
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1101-1098-375 (1288.5)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 10th

MVP: XNady, once kept on the roster as the "team mascot," now carries the team and might get traded to a better club that can put more men on base ahead of him and drive him around the bases with some bats behind him. Stay tuned.
Cy: Ervin Santana, a one-man advertisement for the wisdom of swapping solid but aging vets for struggling, high-ceiling youngsters after playoff dreams unravel.
LVP: Orlando Cabrera
Pud: "Zicasso"
FA: Mike Mussina, supposedly washed up but rejuvenated by the inspiring words of Hank Steinbrenner.
Auction: John Damon

Predicted finish: 12th

Notes: Snatty's last three scores were blowout losses - 14-3 to unB, 12-6 to Equipe, 13-5 to PMF. He beat LU and FC, but that doesn't do you much good when you bend over immediately afterwards. He has been known to take his eye off the ball, which pretty much rules out a miracle run to a playoff spot. Snatty needs to just keep making canny trades and build up his team for next year.

Patience will pay off.

VICIOUS RUMORS

Current spot in standings: 10th
Games back of 1st place: 34.5
Games back of 6th place: 17
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1122-1082-370 (1307)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 12th

MVP: Ryan Braun, with an honorable mention to Youk.
Cy: Josh Beckett
LVP: Troy Tulowitzki, who has been either injured or horrible
Pud: Oliver Perez, the Jekkyl and Hyde of SPs
FA: Andy Sonnanstine, who is fighting an uphill battle in the midst of the Tampa Bay cadre of high-ceiling young SPs, but continues to get it done with K/BB mastery.
Auction: Colby Rasmus? Not a great performance at auction for this team.

Predicted finish: 10th

Notes: VR has heated up with three straight wins, but a look at the upcoming schedule sends a steady stream of piss into his cornflakes. I think he will hold off Guapo to maintain the 10th spot, but a playoff run seems unrealistic at this point. He'll definitely have the opportunity to play spoiler down the stretch, however, with games against the top 4 teams in the current standings - a role that has catapulted some teams to success the following season. Best of luck, VR, except for next week.

the BANANA BELT

Current spot in standings: 9th
Games back of 1st place: 31.5
Games back of 6th place: 14
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1080-1124-370 (1265)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 5th (tie)

MVP: Ian Kinsler
Cy: CC Saba, who shook off some early rust to reestablish his dominance. Could be hurling for an awesome team by the fall, and destroying BB's opposition.
LVP: all catchers. Jason Kendall was bad, Jason Varitek was horrid - as soon as he joined BB, the latter cooled off in a hurry and soon reached subzero. Now Pudge is on the spot.
Pud: Homer Bailey / Francisco Liriano / Yovani Gallardo. BB had a lot staked on these young pitchers who rarely saw MLB starts this season, and got shelled when they did.
FA: David Murphy
Auction: Masa Kobayashi? Bandy Winn has disappointed. Shoulda hung on to Slowey.

Predicted finish: 8th

Notes: 14 games out of the playoffs is not an insurmountable deficit, and the schedule is very friendly - BB doesn't have to run the LU/FC gauntlet, unlike a lot of his opponents. Ruling BB out of the playoff picture is like pointing a loaded gun at your nutsack, but I just can't foresee a collapse from the teams in front of him, who have been actively working to improve their rosters. I have little doubt that this is going to wind up with me getting trounced by BB in the playoffs (or, horror of horrors, knocked out of the playoffs by BB!) and publicly humiliated for this call. So be it.

the FLASH

Current spot in standings: 8th
Games back of 1st place: 23.5
Games back of 6th place: 6
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1099-1101-374 (1286)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 7th (tie)

MVP: Dan Uggla, who hasn't just powered the Flash, he's begun to raise questions about who the most valuable U-named 2B in the league is.
Cy: Cole Hamels, who carried this staff through the first rotation.
LVP: Akinori Iwamura, one of the few outright disappointments. Tough to find an LVP here; most of this team's shortcomings have been through inconsistency, not outright suckage.
Pud: Ian Snell, publicly denounced by Flash before he dropped him.
FA: Ryan Ludwick
Auction: I'm not a fan of any of his auction pickups.

Predicted finish: 7th

Notes: If being on the playoff bubble isn't bad enough, Flash will have to hold off BB just to maintain his current position. I wouldn't rule him out of the playoff mix, especially with the great moves he's made in recent days to bolster his pitching staff. My concern with the Flash is his penchant for the occasional inexplicable blowout loss to a bad team. One or two more of those and he can kiss the 'yoffs goodbye. Still, I loved his moves to grab Dick Hard and John Dankin' Dronugs. If his awesome hitters get locked in, and his staff is hurling strikes, get the eff out of the way.

the MOTHERSHIP

Current spot in standings: 7th
Games back of 1st place: 23.5
Games back of 6th place: 6
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1118-1072-384 (1310)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 14th

MVP: Josh Hamilton
Cy: Andy Pettitte, barely beating out Joe Saunders. The Ship has gotten some SPs to step up to an unexpectedly high level for him, which is a big part of his success.
LVP: Paul Konerko, who has been a surprising non-factor this season. Last year he exploded after Memorial Day, but a chance at another such surge was cut short by injury.
Pud: Trevor Hoffman. Not only is he no longer the best reliever on this team (that'd be Rauch), he's not even the best Padre reliever on this team (Heath Bell).
FA: Ryan Doumit - As Ween might wail, Who's your papa? Ryan Doumit! This is the shit!
Auction: Kosuke Fukudome, who I give most of the credit for rejuvenating this team. When Mike says "Fuckyoudome" with such joy in his voice, he makes the world a better place.

Predicted finish: 9th

Notes: It was a real stomach punch to look at the schedule numbers and realize that the Ship had the worst draw of all. His chances of holding off two perennial playoff teams, including a dynastic champion, while leapfrogging the equally hungry PMF took a real hit when he landed the most difficult schedule. I'm pulling for you, though, Mikey, and nothing would give this GM more happiness (aside from my own success, of course) than to see you make your way into the playoffs. For those of you who think your team sucks and there is no hope, take a look at this success story. All it takes is some dedication and a trip to the Fukudome and you'll be right back in the mix again.

POOR MAN'S FART

Current spot in standings: 6th
Games back of 1st place: 17.5
Games ahead of 7th place: 6
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1074-1126-374 (1261)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 3rd

MVP: Lurkman, Bance Lurkman.
Cy: Roy Halladay. Declared washed up by FC and LU in a preseason Shortpants, he has racked up an astonishing 6 CGs.
LVP: all second basemen, a trouble spot for PMF all year. I think he may have hit on an answer with Casilla, although he's already shelling out for international scouting options...
Pud: Chris Young - though it's hard to criticize anyone on this glorious staff.
FA: Mike Aviles, who has been a real surprise. KC's top SS prospect (and Chocolate Bayou Turd, aka FC prospect) Mike Moustakas was recently moved to third base, which may presage a long run for Aviles, as long as he keeps hitting.
Auction: George Sherrill, best appreciated when his name is pronounced "jaw-juh sheh-rull" a la Kate Hepburn or some other old-time movie dame.

Predicted finish: 6th

Notes: I bring glad tidings. PMF's chances of hanging on to a playoff spot are very strong. His competition has a collective losing record, he made a smart trade to balance his team with a bit more pop, and with a healthy Halladay he is looking like a championship sleeper. The universally-acknowledged tragic figure of the 2007 season, PMF regrouped, stuck with his strength, and then adjusted down the stretch. He may have to fight off BB, but he's begun to do so already with a 13-8 advantage in their matchup (through this AM).

EQUIPE ROI du RADEAU

Current spot in standings: 5th
Games back of 1st place: 11
Games ahead of 7th place: 12.5
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1103-1105-366 (1286)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 7th (tie)

MVP: Brian McCann, one of the best catchers in the game today
Cy: Brandon Webb - still love his trade to snag this guy late last season. Yet another example of a good late-season trade from a team on the outs.
LVP: Casey Kotchman
Pud: Micah Owings
FA: Carlos Quentin, arguably the best FA pickup in the league this season
Auction: Troy Glaus, although he really should have hung onto Milton Bradley.

Predicted finish: 4th

Notes: Daniel Plainview has his team in great position - just above the scrum for 6th place that is quickly developing, with his roster in good shape, a possible Soriano return for the stretch run, and a relatively easy schedule. Not only can he maintain, I think he can even move up. And with B Webb pitching gems in the playoffs, this could be a tough team to beat - although his only playoff win in franchise history is a meaningless 3rd place game against a demoralized LM. I can't say enough about this team's capacity to surprise, though, given that many scratched their heads at his preseason moves and bought his smokescreen about building for the next decade, while noting his poor finish last season. It's quite possible that the season will end with Neil's team smashing in our heads with a figurative bowling pin and declaring, "I'm finished!!"

FECAL CLATTER

Current spot in standings: 4th
Games back of 1st place: 9
Games ahead of 7th place: 14.5
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1062-1130-382 (1253)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 1st

MVP: David Wright
Cy: Jim Shields, with a K/BB of 4.40 so far this season.
LVP: Victor Martinez and his OPS+ of 78, way way way below his usual before going down with an injury. His replacement, Seattle C/DH Jeff Clement, has tallied an OPS+ of 59 in his absence.
Pud: Rafael Betancourt
FA: Brandon Morrow, very promising as both a reliever and potential ace.
Auction: Jay Bruce. Even though everyone had to know he was going after Jaybird, he still got him at a reasonable price. Well done.

Predicted finish: 3rd

Notes: As has been noted often in this space and elsewhere, FC has a lineup filled with quality bashers who don't whiff overmuch and fill up a stat sheet real nice. While his perennial ace, Johan Santana, has startlingly taken a step back since moving to the NL, his staff has managed to counterpunch with dominance from Shields, good performances from Todd Lilly and a healthy AJ Burnett. With 4 starters boasting 100+ K's (and Wolf knocking on the door), FC isn't all stick and no arm. This team is more balanced than its rep suggests.

However, over the past month FC has gone 29-47, losing to El Guapo and getting housed by Snatty. This has corresponded with a slide from 1st to 4th in the standings. Not a good sign. While I expect the Clatter to recover their equilibrium, one more slip up and the regular season crown could elude their stinky brown grasp. The easiest schedule should help, though.

D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES

Current spot in standings: 3rd
Games back of 1st place: 8.5
Games ahead of 7th place: 15
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1127-1085-362 (1308)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 13th

MVP: Manny Ramirez, leading the league in senior citizens thrown to the ground
Cy: Tim Lincecum
LVP: Alex Rios. What the hell happened to this guy? Did he catch Vernon Wells Disease?
Pud: CJ Wilson. When your team's most impressive victory to date came as a direct result of benching a player, you know that player sucks.
FA: AJ Pierzynski, a gigantic douche who claims to be Barack Obama's favorite baseball player. If true, I will factor this into my decision in November. Tally one point for Johnny Mac in that department - I'm sure his favorite is one of the studly young white Dbacks that dot FC's roster. Good FA pickup for DLBP, regardless.
Auction: Rick Ankiel

Predicted finish: 5th

Notes: DLBP has risen to within striking distance of 1st place by pummelling bad teams, playing tough against solid teams, but his record against the other top teams is mixed. After memorably bludgeoning LM, he was then thrashed by FC and LU. All three teams are on his upcoming schedule. I don't see much letup in a set of future opponents packed with teams fighting for the yoffs. Thus, while I think DLBP is clearly one of the marquee franchises in LOWV at the moment, I foresee a slide of a few places in the standings. The Pies have a strong lineup, top to bottom, and while his pitching staff is uneven, he has some excellent arms. This roster is unstoppable when all the gears are turning - he'll have to show he can get it done against the playoff teams he'll tune up against over the next two months.

(Also - A hilarious story about Pierzynski I found online: "During a 2004 Spring Training game, while catching, Pierzynski took a pitch to the groin and fell instantly to the ground in pain. Trainer Stan Conte rushed from the dugout to his side and immediately inquired, "how does it feel?" AJ responded directly by saying, "like this" and kneed Conte in the groin, dropping him to the ground.")

the LACEY UNDERALLS

Current spot in standings: 2nd
Games back of 1st place: 1
Games ahead of 7th place: 22.5
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1080-1124-370 (1265)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 5th

MVP: Hanley Ramirez, 20 dongs, 21 steals. Nuff said.
Cy: Edinson Volquez, ranked all season as the #1 "Key to Success" in Yahoo head-to-head leagues
LVP: Lastings Milledge
Pud: King Felix, who contines to draw one of the highest salaries in the league while delivering maddeningly inconsistent performance and frequent injuries. When he's on, there are few better. But he isn't always on.
FA: The "unquestionably genius" acquisition of Nate McLouth
Auction: Volquez - the best pickup by ANY team in the 2008 auction.

Predicted finish: 2nd

Notes: It's looking like a fight to the finish between LU and LM, with a few teams waiting outside the ring in case of a double knockdown. Probably "too close to call" territory, but I'd be a bitch if I picked the other guy to lower expectations, so I have LU falling just short. Obviously, our teams' Week 19 contest will be huge, since both of us have relatively light schedules otherwise. But a shocking smackdown from an unexpected source could turn this race, as it has so often in the past.

One more scheduling note - have you ever noticed that FC and LU are always back-to-back in the schedule? I don't think this is a coincidence. Commissioner Sahl speculated to me that Mama Jams waits as long as possible to sign up for the league so her team doesn't have to face FC (obviously the first to sign up) more than once a season. Gaming the scheduling system is fine strategy and all, but ideally our schedules would be assigned at random. The LOWV fans are the losers when one of our league's most heated rivalries only comes to the fore once a season. Can we do something about this in 2009?

Tough to find fault anywhere on LU's roster, quite frankly. This team is a lean, mean pitching machine with tons of versatile offensive players and one of the league's supreme benches. A regular season crown would result in a nice dinner out for LU damsel K. Lemerise, but what this organization really hungers after is the elusive championship so long denied. The playoffs will be where this fantastic team proves its true worth.

LASORDA'S MANICOTTI

Current spot in standings: 1st
Games back of 1st place: N/A
Games ahead of 7th place: 23.5
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1053-1120-401
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 2nd

MVP: Chase Utley
Cy: Cliff Lee - sure he won 18 games a few years ago, but NOBODY saw this one coming when he was sent down to the minors last season. Thanks for dropping him, Mothership!
LVP: Vernon Wells, who hasn't been that bad when healthy, but certainly not the Vernon Wells I traded for a year and a half ago. Adam LaRoche has sucked, but he always sucks in the first half.
Pud: Rich Hill. I don't want to talk about it.
FA: Milton Bradley, although Lee has to be considered a very close second. But Milton been berry berry good to my stats and this column with his dongsmanship and general insanity.
Auction: Joe Nathan

Predicted finish: 1st

Notes: Although two key players have gone down to potentially season-ending injuries and another can't throw a strike to save his life even in a rookie league, LM hangs in there with big production from our stars and our unusual skill at finding diamonds in the rough. Can we make it to the finish line ahead of the pack? It certainly seems possible, but our pitching staff must be consistent and our hitters must stay healthy. This franchise, like the ones chasing it, has no higher goal than to end the one-team hammerlock over the championship.

SCHEDULE FAVORABILITY RECAP

14. Mship - 1310
13. DLBP - 1308
12. VR - 1307
11. unB - 1292
10. Snatty - 1288.5
9. BI - 1287
7t. Flash - 1286
7t. ERDR - 1286
5t. BB - 1265
5t. LU - 1265
4. Guapo - 1261.5
3. PMF - 1261
2. LM - 1253.5
1. FC - 1253

PREDICTED FINISH RECAP

14. BI
13. unB
12. Snatty
11. Guapo
10. VR
9. Mship
8. BB
7. Flash
6. PMF
5. DLBP
4. ERDR
3. FC
2. LU
1. LM

Prove me wrong, motherfuckers.