Tommy's Thoughts #13

First off, I am psyched at the announcement that we may soon be enjoying regular installments of Shortpants once more. If composing these blog entries has taught me anything, it's that the LOWV is a hungry beast, and feeding its appetite for entertainment is a hard job. Like a heroin junkie, the league gets hooked on your product and is soon banging down your door demanding more. You're trying to do other things and enjoy the summer, handle your personal shiznit, et cetera, and next thing you know, you're way overdue for your next installment and the natives are restless.

Don't listen to the haters, Mike and friends, and get to work. I hope the hiatus has refreshed y'all's minds and prepared you for an even greater radio show. I'll be listening!

In more depressing news, VR is giving my team all we can handle this week. Add to that a rash of injuries, a handful of strongly surging teams threatening to overtake us the the standings, and daily flareups of my agita - and you have yourself one pissed-off Tommy. I have had more than my share of outbursts at the press table and in the clubhouse as a result...

Reporter: What's your opinion of VR's performance?

Lasorda: What's my opinion of VR's performance? What the fuck do you think is my opinion of it? I think it was fucking horseshit. Put that in I don't fucking ... Opinion of his performance? Jesus Christ he's hitting .368/1.011. What the fuck do you mean what is my opinion of his performance? How can you ask me a question like that? What is my opinion of his p - of his p-p-performance? Jesus Christ he's averaging three doubles a day! Jesus Christ. I'm fucking pissed off to be losing the fucking game, and you ask me my opinion of his performance. Jesus Christ. I mean that's a tough question to ask me, isn't it? What is my opinion of his performance?

Reporter: Yes it is. I asked it and you gave me an answer.

Lasorda: Well I didn't give you a good answer because I'm mad but I mean...

Reporter: Well it wasn't a good question....

Lasorda: That's a tough question to ask me right now what is my opinion of his performance... I mean you want me to tell you what my opinion of his performance is...

Reporter: You just did.

Lasorda: That's right. Jesus Christ. Guy racks four saves against us in as many days. Shit. I mean I don't want to - uh -uh I don't want to get pissed off or anything like that but you know you ask me my opinion. I mean he put on a helluva show, I mean he got fifty hits, he's driven in, what, twenty-three runs?

Reporter: Twenty-four.

Lasorda: Twenty-four runs so I mean what the hell more can you say about him? I didn't mean to get mad or anything like that, but god damn you ask my opinion of his, er, uh, of his performance. Seeya Joe. Shit.

Eff the mainstream media!! That's why I joined the blogosphere, because of dumbass questions like that.

THE THREE RACES: THE PENNANT, THE YOFFS, THE FUTURE

First of all, let me admit unequivocally that my end-of-season predictions issued on the 4th have already proven to be total crap. I now doubt that I can fight off LU, to say nothing of DLBP and FC; I definitely counted out BB and VR way too soon; and I fear that I may have terminally jinxed PMF.

So allow me to ditch the specifics and break things down in a more accurate manner.

As I see it, there are three races going on in the league right now. Each of them holds magnificent prizes for the winner. Each looks to be fiercely contested to the end. The winner of the 2008 LOWV pennant will take home a nice cash prize, a first-round bye in the yoffs, and a place in the history books. The winner of the battle for 6th place wins the pride of a playoff contender and a chance to take home the title. And the winner of the battle for the future - the competition among non-contending teams to reload and restock - wins a chance to bounce back strongly next year and change an unsuccessful '08 into a springboard for future glory.

The Race for the Pennant. As of this moment, there are four teams in the thick of it, with a fifth standing just out of range. When the dust clears this weekend, the leader is likely to be Lacey, who is looking to run his winning streak to six games and take his first outright lead in a long while. Over the last five weeks, LU has gone 59-35, and all season has shown a real knack for tying categories when he can't manage to win them - those half-games really add up after a while. LM is fighting for our lives against a mightily-slugging VR, to the point that I did a jig of glee when I saw we'd managed to scrape back to an 11-8 deficit as of this morning. We'll do well to hold things together and remain in striking distance of the Underalls. Meanwhile, I've been singing the praises of DLBP all summer, and only sounded a sour note last week - yet another reason why I'm running away from those predictions as fast as my stout legs can carry me. The Pies are a force and a legit contender for the pennant, and with each week they creep closer and closer to first. DLBP hasn't lost since his back-to-back smackdowns from FC and LU; will he be in the top spot by the time he faces them in the last two weeks of the season? It's quite possible. FC owner C. Dave Sahl was stunned to realize that despite obliterating unB last week, he didn't move up in the standings at all; but he has begun to take command of his matchup against ERdR, who is sitting a distant fifth and needs a very strong finish to get into this conversation. The winner of the FC/Equipe battle has a much better chance of overtaking the league leaders than the loser. Watch this matchup closely...

The Race for the Yoffs. This is clearly the most compelling contest of all, a situation that is continuously in flux and carries with it the most potent highs and disappointments of all. As I noted a moment ago, Equipe looks to be safely ensconced in fifth place and might even move up when all is said and done. But a sixth-place slot that looked like PMF's to lose is now totally up in the air as the Poor Man has stumbled against BB and LU. Despite adding Joey Votto, PMF is still struggling offensively and when his pitching falters, he is dead in the water. Still, this team probably wants the 6th spot more intensely than any of his opponents and will brave hell or high water to get it. The Mothership has refused to say die this year, and as the team's owner returns to the airwaves, the Ship has sailed for the port of glory and will be wrecked on the rocks before it runs up the white flag. (Holy metaphor, Batman!!) While the Ship only occasionally deigns to hit a home run, he sure knows how to fill up a stat line, and many times, that's enough. I was a jackass to count out the Banana Belt, also known as the greatest franchise in LOWV history. BB rallied to obliterate PMF last week, wisely cut Homer Bailey loose and might be welcoming Liriano back to the rotation soon. Bonomatory hit him with a strong right cross - Kuroda's CG SO - but the Belt is not going to quit fighting until the season is through, and God help us all if he makes the playoffs. Vicious Rumors is on a ridiculous winning streak and has been kicking my ass all week, even though I'm not playing that badly! Crunch his numbers if you dare: over the past month VR has been better than most pennant contenders. The Flash has fallen to ninth place after last week's debacle, and as of this morning may fall even further if he can't pull himself together. I initially felt that the trades to add Harden and Danks would mark a turning point in his season, and so far it appears that I was right, just not in the way that I thought. Finally, if his rout of Flash holds up, you have to count Snaturals in the mix - easily the least consistent team in the league this year. He's routed powerhouses, and he's gotten housed by basement-dwellers. But woe be unto you if you face Snatty when all his guns are firing. He can destroy even the most potent lineup, and thus it's too early to count him out of the playoff picture.

The Race for the Future. A year ago, Equipe and Mothership were taking on water at this point in the season; two years ago, Lacey was slumping towards an 11th-place finish. What did these teams do? They stayed focused and reloaded, and were back in the playoff mix the next season. For those teams who don't look like title contenders in 08, the goal is the same. Good teams are slashing quality players with season-ending injuries - scoop them up at a discount. Flip the aging all-stars on your roster for cheap and promising young talent. Audition $1 and $3 players for a starting role on your team the next season. Although it can be downright painful to call up the LOWV page when your team is in the basement, there are ample opportunities for these teams that only increase as the season runs on and the trade deadline draws near.

While Snatty is still fighting for the playoffs, he may want to consider reloading if things go south. Could he bear to part with Captain Jeet? However, his $60 in cap space might also make him a buyer at the deadline. Further away from first place we find a triumvirate of disappointment. El Guapo seemed to win week after week with smoke and mirrors last year, and despite a relatively easy schedule, he's just too far out to contend. Can he get a playoff team to mortgage their future for Kerry Wood or Ben Sheets? unB is stocking up his roster with injured players, a strategy that I love. He's headed in the right direction, although as I told him myself, I think Brian Buscher blows. Finally, there's BI, who Sahl called "our league's Tampa Bay" mere months ago - and yet Tampa Bay turned it around before BI did. In my opinion, what separates BI from a Guapo or Snatty is the lack of a real-deal, bona-fide stud like A-Rod or Papi. Put a player like that in with Carlos Lee, Magglio and JD Drew and you've got something legit. What would it take to pry Jay Bruce from FC, for instance?

INJURY WOES STRIKE LM

A dark cloud moved over our season this week, as we lost Aaron Harang and Dustin McGowan to arm injuries. Harang might be back later this month, McGowan can only dream of returning to action that soon. As I enjoyed a round of frisbee golf with Major James Beans yesterday, I told him that one more injury would mean serious changes to the LM roster. When I returned to the clubhouse, I found Vernon Wells nursing a sore pussy. The room was in turmoil - LM stalwarts like Russell Martin regarded the oft-injured Wells with disgust, fellow disappointments like Rafael Furcal tried to stick up for him, and team captain Ryan Howard tried to keep the peace. I immediately went ballistic when I saw my team in such disarray. The result was an all out screaming match in front of the team, the press, terrified clubbies, and a few small children who learned many new words that day.

Lasorda: Fuck no. He can't stay in the lineup, for Christ all fucking mighty.

Martin: Fucking Wells gets hurt running the fucking bases.

Wells: I feel good, Tommy.

Lasorda: I don't give a shit if you feel good, this is your third motherfucking injury in two years.

Wells: They're all freak injuries, though.

Lasorda: I don't give a fuck.

Wells: Tommy, I can rehab this mother fucker and be right back in there.

Lasorda: I don't give a shit, Vern.

Furcal: I think you're wrong this time, Tommy.

Lasorda: Well I may be wrong but that's my god dammed job. I'll make the...

Wells: I ain't fucking hurting.

Lasorda: I'll make the fucking decisions here.

Wells: You think I'm playing that bad?

Lasorda: I'll make the fucking decisions here, ok?

Wells: I put two runs on the fucking board yesterday.

Lasorda: (enraged) I don't give a fuck!

Howard: Hey, hey, come on....

Wells: Hey Tommy I don't have to take this shit!

Lasorda: Don't give me any shit, god damn it! I'll make the fucking decisions. Keep your fucking mouth shut, I told ya.

Howard: This looks bad out here man. Not in front of the press. You want to talk about it talk about it inside...

Lasorda: You talk about it in my fucking office.

Wells: If I felt bad then I wouldn't say nothing.

Howard: I'm just saying talk about it inside. This is not the place to be talking about it.

Wells: Yeah, ok.

Howard: Ok? That's all I'm trying to say. Don't jump on me, shit. I'm just trying to avoid a fucking scene out here, that's all.

Lasorda: That's right. It's fucking great for you to be standing out here talking to me like that.

Wells: If I didn't feel good I wouldn't say nothing.

Lasorda: I don't give a shit, Vernon. I'm the fucking manager of the fucking team! I've gotta make the fucking decisions, and I'll make 'em to the fucking best of my ability! They may be the fucking wrong decisions, but I'll make it. Don't worry about it. I'll make the fucking decisions. I gave ya a fucking chance to walk out of here. I can't fuck around we're sliding down the standings. If it was last week that's a different fucking story. I can't - I can't let you out there in a fucking game like this, I got a fucking job to do!! What's the matter with you?

After this shameful episode, I issued Wells his walking papers and then shitcanned Furcal for insubordination and wasting my frickin' money. My next goal is to assassinate the ESPN fantasy fruit who featured my injury armageddon in a column. "A painful day for fantasy owners"? In this league, it's more like fantasy OWNER!

PAY THE M-F-ING PIPER

I checked in with the Commissioner's office this morning to find out who had yet to ante.

The answer came back: the Banana Belt, El Guapo, Mothership and Snaturals.

In all honesty, Rick, BB's failures to ante sadden me. Not only did you have enough scratch to move to Spain, you're now making twice what any of us are making in dollar terms, thanks to a ridiculous exchange rate. Hell, I bet if you convert the euro coins that are sitting under your couch cushions into dollars, that's your ante right there. This league wouldn't be what it is without the majesty, accomplishments, inscrutability and genius that is the Banana Belt. But it is a black mark on the team's proud record that its finances are never in order. It's a goddamn shame when my hard-earned money goes to a team that didn't win the championship, just because the winner failed to ante up. Please, please, for the love of the Sagrada Familia and all that is holy, please pay up.

Jim, congratulations on graduating from law school and launching yourself on a career path where you are sure to out-earn me in perpetuity, while even in a down year you've proven your baseball genius by scouting John Bowker with your own peepers. No doubt the future is bright for you, good sir, in LOWV and otherwise. How about a downpayment on that success in the form of an LOWV ante check?

Mikeman - while I'll defend your radio hiatus to the death, I cannot defend lack of ante. Surely you can bum a couple twenties off D. Sheik, or finger paint up some amazing piece of art and get your buddy from Girls to sell it in his gallery. There are so many money-making options in NYC for a Wisconsonian stud like yourself; why I bet if you go Midnight Cowboy this afternoon you'll be racking up cash before night falls. Regardless, with the return of the radio show you'll be seeing the Madman often. How about slapping some cash in his hand next time?

Jamo, the Commissioner tells me you've often spoken of paying up this year, and historically you've been most faithful with your ante. I'm sure the lack of funds submitted to the league office is merely an oversight. It looks to me like you've got an outside shot to make the 'yoffs, so why not pony up and spark a little karma in your favor?

To all of the above, please send $34 immediately to
C. Dave Sahl
Commissioner, LOWV
338 Clermont Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11205

Meanwhile....our battle with VR has me in a constant state of fury and anguish. Hopefully this week will be over soon, before I drop any more f-bombs in front of the press...

Lasorda: I ain't fucking shitting you when I say this. That fucking cocksucker, he, he was burning himself right there on the fucking mound. Fucking swinging at fucking balls this fucking high. He walks - he walked Bradley, he don't come close to the fucking plate. (laughter from reporters) He walked Giambi, he don't come near the fucking plate. Two balls and one fucking strike and the fucking ball up in his fucking eyes, and Chipper swings at the mother fucking ball. How the fuck can you hit that fucking guy? Crawford, Crawford needed a fucking oar to hit the fucking ball today (more laughter), that's how fucking bad he was - their fucking pitches were. I'll tell ya, he'd have made a fucking great fucking cricket player, hitting the ball on one fucking bounce. I'll tell ya, that's a fucking crime. We had more fucking scoring opportunities (yet more laughter) to win that mother fucking game, and I'll tell ya that cocksuckers get away with that fucking shit, that motherfucker!

(laughter again - after this point Lasorda is completely enraged and the reporters' laughter is non-stop)

Reporter 1: That long enough for ya Jim?

Lasorda: I don't give a fuck I'm fucking shit, fuck 'em! Lucky motherfuckers! How the fuck can those cocksuckers get by with that fucking shit? Ah, put that in your fucking paper, TJ! Every fucking word I said put it in the mother fucking paper! I don't give a fuck, TJ!

Reporter 2: How do ya spell...

Lasorda: Put that in that mother fucking paper you work for! What in the fuck is the name of that paper, TJ?

Reporter 3: Tommy, what was your opinion of VR's performance...

Lasorda: Get the fuck out of here, Joe!

Reporter 3: No, no, I'm serious, I have to ask that....

Lasorda: I'm serious too. Get the fuck out of here I don't want to fucking talk to ya.