For the majority of major league teams, this is the final week of their season. This means back to the planning board for the front offices as they decide whether to buy this off-season, sell, do both, or attempt to remain static moving forward. One thing is for sure: every team in the league – barring perhaps the Yankees – could use more star power. So how do you acquire stars?
Let’s start with the starting pitchers. Obviously “star” is a word with ambiguous meaning. For some it means a guy who will move tickets, sell jerseys, and land them a marquee spot in the highlights on nights he pitches. For others it means one of the best pitchers in the league whose performance should bring the attention and spotlight, but everyone knows that’s not always a guarantee.
For this set of exercises I’m choosing to define star as the latter. I’ve taken the top 30 starters as told by THT’s xFIP metric. Why xFIP? Because it normalizes home run rates and saves time in noting certain pitcher performances in ballparks like those Oakland and San Diego. From there I noted how each was acquired by their current team.
Anderson ends up concluding that signing an ace in free agency isn't the way to go, because few of the top-30 xFIP pitchers were obtained via free agency (11 pitchers acquired via trade, 13 in the draft, 3 as international FAs, and 3 as veteran FAs).
I decided to examine this same list of 30 pitchers in the context of LOWV, because like major league GMs, many LOWV GMs will be looking to pick up an ace this offseason -- witness the overheated Harden auction for evidence of that.
(Granted, it would be dumb to shell out for an ace without taking into account the park and defense he's dealing with, but at the same time players are known to change teams without warning, so ideally your ace will be a stud whether he's pitching in Metco or Yankee Stadium.)
So -- how did this crop of primo SPs end up with their current teams?
1. Javier Vazquez – 2007 auction 2. Tim Lincecum – free agent 3. Dan Haren – trade with Guapo (offseason) 4. Roy Halladay – trade with PMF (offseason) 5. Zack Greinke – free agent 6. Jon Lester – trade with LM (in-season) 7. Josh Johnson – free agent 8. Justin Verlander – free agent 9. Ricky Nolasco – trade with LM (in-season) 10. Adam Wainwright – free agent 11. Chris Carpenter – waiver auction 12. Felix Hernandez – 2007 auction 13. Josh Beckett – waiver auction 14. Joel Pineiro – free agent 15. Ubaldo Jimenez – free agent 16. Cole Hamels – free agent 17. Wandy Rodriguez – trade with ERdR (offseason) 18. Yovani Gallardo – waiver auction 19. Gavin Floyd – trade with unB (offseason) 20. Brett Anderson – trade with Guapo (in-season) 21. Jorge de la Rosa — free agent 22. Jason Hammel – *unsigned free agent* 23. CC Sabathia – 2006 draft 24. Ryan Dempster – free agent? 25. Roy Oswalt – 2006 draft 26. Aaron Harang – trade with VR (in-season) 27. Max Scherzer – JRL draft 28. Chad Billingsley – waiver auction 29. Joe Blanton – free agent 30. Clayton Kershaw – JRL draft
These results are both quite interesting and mildly misleading.
The first thing that jumps out at you is that fully 1/3 of these pitchers were signed to minimum contracts as free agents, who at one point were available for anyone to snag. However, this number includes two sets of players: scrap-heap finds, like de la Rosa and Blanton, and rookie pitchers turned aces, like Lincecum, Verlander, Hamels and Grienke. My guess is that in the future, ace-provenance lists will show fewer FAs and more Junior League draftees (whether developed by their organization or traded for, a la Brett Anderson). Still, it seems as though in any given year, several top pitchers will go into the season with low expectations and little hype, ready to be snared by the watchful GM. Keep that in mind before you splurge on an SP.
Eight top pitchers came via trade, four in midseason (defined as occurring after the draft/auction) and four in the offseason. Ace pitchers shouldn't get too comfortable in any LOWV city, because they may be traded at any time. If you're looking for a sweet starter, it seems advisable to hit up LM or Guapo, who have shown a propensity for shipping those dudes out of town...
Only a few pitchers who demonstrated 2009 brilliance have been with their teams since the 2006/2007 inaugural draft and auction, respectively. It appears that ZERO SPs of serious 2009 distinction were acquired in the 2008 or 2009 auctions. Again, expect this trend to reverse itself as the pinch of the salary cap boots quality SPs into the marketplace (and 2009 auctionee Tommy Hanson rises to prominence).
Shortpants is back with a sassy new haircut and ready to entertain and engage. The All-Star Break affords Mike an opportunity to discuss the first half of the season with regular guests FC, LU and PMF, as well as special guest DLBP. Mike leads the panel through a bevy of fascinating topics baseball and non-, including examinations of every team's performance, MLB analysis and the latest spicy celebrity gossip. We hear tales from the road, opining on films, tunes, tortilla chips and an introspective contemplation on whether ESPN hosting sucks creativity from the league and years off of GMs' ability to tap into the humor that keeps us joyful, youthful and fanciful.
Shortpants returns, even better than you remember.
Tommy's .523 thoughts at this point, but that's not much better, now, is it?
It isn't.
CHRISTIAN TEMPERANCE YOUUUUU
The entire baseball world was rocked today when the news dropped that Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for PED use. One of the two top teams in LOWV received the shocking news that its MVP had been busted and would miss a third of the season.
D'Lucious Bitch Pies has absolutely dominated the junior circuit thus far. Four convincing wins against division opponents has put DLBP way out front and starting to run away with the flag. Just like the Dodgers, the Manny-paced Pies were looking like playoff locks already.
Without Manny, DLBP loses its best run producer. But I contend that this is still probably the team to beat in the CTU.
Tim Wakefield has notched 2 complete games so far this season. When the veteran hit arbitration last winter, Chris said putting him out there could hurt! Rick called him "Old Noodle Arm!" Longtime owner John callously gave him a -3 and nobody blinked an eye! Chad wondered if he was even fantasy worthy!!!
Unbeleaguerable!!
VR compared Wakefield to the old ramblin gambler in Bob Seger's immortal "Still the Same." I think that was about right. Wake isn't going to sustain a 2.91 ERA and 1.09 WHIP for the whole season, but the dude is a warrior who can count on solid run support. When he's floating that bitch, he can be very difficult to hit. THREE DOLLARS for this pitcher was highway robbery of the arbitrary kind.
Shame on you, talent evaluators of LOWV.
Napoli, Cantu and Carlos Pena have brought hot bats into play...DLBP has been superb on offense. While losing Manny won't help their hitting game, they face Snatty and unB the next two weeks before squaring off against LM - and recent history shows that's an advantage for the Pies as well. If Javier Vasquez gets his act together, and Alex Rios and Chris Davis get their acts together, there's no reason this team can't absorb the loss of Manny (and the underperformance of Kazmir and injury to Zambrano) for a couple of months.
Manny will come back rested and ready to destroy NL West pitching...
I'm facing down the powerful offense and troubled pitching staff of Vicious Rumors this week. This team has had a great season, other than last week when they were mercilessly butt boned by D'Lucious in their biannual freeway battle. Emphasis on the bi.
Whether through blind loyalty or canny evaluation, VR believed in Kevin Youkilis and Dustin Pedroia when many other league GMs did not, and now he owns two of the best properties in the hitting-rich AL East. Matt Wieters stuck in AAA? No problem, Kurt Suzuki will destroy enemy pitching to the tune of .312/.830. Meanwhile fellow Hawaiian Shane Victorino goes .306/.878 and looks good doing it.
On the reverse, VR has had one of the weaker pitching staffs around, only buoyed by temporary thangs Kevin Milkweed and Edwin Jackson. Josh Beckett has been a wreck, Jon Lester has had some bad luck, Andy Sonnanstine has been stinky and Huston Street has sucked.
But it's hard for me to talk too much shit about VR's pitching staff when he taunts me with this picture:
Matt Garza, you lucky devil!! Why didn't I strategically have a kid at 17 so I could someday kick it with Hayden and Bristol P????
VR, I'm not going so far as to say "you're going down!" this week, but I will say that you will be fiercely battled to a near-draw, as my team has been pretty consistent in that regard this season.
A strong contender thus far in CTU has been the team from San Francisco, El Guapo. I faced this team a couple of weeks back and almost got routed. A brave comeback salvaged a respectable loss, because I'm such a good manager, but still, he kicked my ass that week. Although he was thrashed by DLBP (are you detecting a theme within this article), he's otherwise been a match for all other division competition.
Zack Motherfucking Grienke finally wiped the tears from his eyes, refused to let a good thing die, and hit the mound to carve up some strike zones. 3 complete games, 2 shutouts, 54K, 8BB. Skeet skeet goddamn!!! We can't build our dreams on suspicious minds, so I'm ready to believe this is the harbinger of a new Grienk-era.
Although Guapo has a closet full of sketchy pitchers (Zito, Sheets, Chien-Ming Wang, Anibal Sanchez), he's getting solid pitching stats overall, and Grienke has been a killer weapon for him. The problem for Jim is on offense, where his team ranks in the bottom quartile in nearly every category. EG is the only LOWV team with less than 250 hits, is one of only two teams to fall short of 30 HR, and ranks dead last in RBI with 118. Unless his veteran-stocked team improves its work with the stick, Guapo is not going to sniff the playoffs in 2009.
Can't hurt that Alex Rodriguez is limbering up for a return. One league GM mentioned to me that A-Rod's 50 game absence is wicked suspicious.
Last week I topped the Mothership 11-7-4, which by the way is one tick better than DLBP managed the week before. When controlling for opponent, LM is clearly superior! It's Science.
Of course, it helped that Josh Hamilton went down the week we battled. Without Hamilton and Doumit out there, I hardly can tell that I'm playing the Ship. If it wasn't for Adam Jones tearing it up out there (see, I told you that was a fair trade), I would have been pretty baffled.
With a poignancy so real you can caress it, Mothership has continued to carry Nick Adenhart on his roster in a tribute to the lost pitcher.
Some GMs find it heartbreaking, but at least one confided in me that he thinks it's gay and "you gotta move on."
Less touching is the Mothership organization's failure thus far to deliver an ante to the league office, according to the meticulously maintained "TranCounter" page...
Mothership has a lot of nice pieces once its two most exciting players return from injury, and with Clayton Kershaw continuing to develop, along with a startlingly good bullpen, the Ship will fuck some people up this season. John Maine, on the other hand, seems determined to play himself into LOWV free agency.
Snatty Bobolatty laid a bing bong biznatty on Flash this week. When the dust settled the Snaturals had laid a 13-4-5 deuce on the face of the only Boston-area team headquartered in the city itself.
Things went quickly downhill from there, and I want to be the first to share it with you. Flash went out to drown his sorrows at a Jimmy Buffett concert and was later captured on film in a state of Parrotheadedness:
I'm not even sure how to follow that up.
Uh...the Snaturals have gotten their offense going recently, even without the help of David Ortiz. Torii Hunter, Johnny Damon, and Nick Swisher have been bopping. Mike Pelfrey and Brad Penny have been crappy, but Zach Duke, Glen Perkins and Jordan Zimmermann have been unexpectedly strong contributors.
That said, this team still sits several games below .500 and well out of the division lead a mere month into the season.
Of all teams in the LOWV, Snatty is the most poised to make dramatic changes in search of rebuilding efforts. He has a collection of 30-something offensive players who could potentially be appealing to a contending club in a trade: David Ortiz, Jorge Posada, Derek Jeter, and the 29 year old Adam Dunn. Major Beans has come to the realization that he needs to move some of these older players and establish a solid core of young, promising talent.
Who wasn't surprised to see Mark Teahen and Xavier Nady shown the door by an organization that once laid a carpet of rose petals before their path? Snatty could make a splash this season if he decides to jettison high-salaried stars in search of future glory - unless the LOWV's noted obsession with youth and potential depresses the market for a veteran All-Star.
PAY YOUR ANTE SNATTY!!!
OK, now for the biggest mystery in the LOWV right now. What the hell is going on with ERdR ownership?
In recent weeks, ERdR's NCaV very publicly courted Pelle Smith, a one-time LOWV target after the collapse of Chupacabras and H Cloud, to come on board. He announced the "signing" of a co-owner to several GMs at a summit at Major Beans' estate in Medford after an outing to the People's Republic saloon in Camridge in celebration of Mr. Smith's pending nuptials. Coq au Vin explained that his upcoming work to sponsor Somalian piracy would prevent him from fully seeing to day-to-day operations, as which time the vim and vigor of Smith's viking spirit would guide Equipe into battle. Two days later, this agreement was validated by the addition of Mr. Smith to the ownership ranks of the LOWV league page.
Since that time, however, no announcement has been made through any of the public channels routinely used by ERdR to proclaim his team's achievements, even those that take place only in the realms of his mind. So what gives? Sources say that Mr. Smith still appears primarily concerned with a team in an odious CBS Sportsline league. Is this apparently brilliant stroke legit or not?
My guess and hope is that Smith will eventually become an active entrant into the fray, prosecuting Equipe's Christian Temperance agenda upon the infidels of the Anti-Saloon League. This would establish a major power base of the CTU in a small-hectare zone of Somerville and Medford. From which the LOWV will be completely and totally conquered!!!!
In the meantime, the team stinks, but injuries and underperformance have bedeviled this unlucky squad. ERdR is a better team than its .438 winning percentage suggests. I don't project ERdR to dominate in 2009 after this start, but this team will certainly be a factor at some point in the season assuming Teixiera starts to hit and Webb comes back strong to team with Haren and the always-wily bullpen. It's worth noting that this team has one of the strongest corps of young prospects in the game, so one more last-stand-of-the-Devil-Rays type seasons might not be the worst thing in the world.
LASORDA'S MANICOTTI
A perfectly average team thus far. I don't like to see the world in shades of gray when black and white are available, so let's look at who was awesome and who sucked.
Adam Lind. Keeping him onboard was more of a borderline call than I want to admit. With the emergence of Snider and the lack of openings in the Jays outfield, Lind turned uncertainty into a rampage by shifting to DH and has kicked ass for me. He's among the AL leaders in RBI. The infield: Even with Hardy scuffling, Marco Scutaro stepped up to fill in at three positions, and all three 1bs - traditionally slow starters - have been raking. Ryan Howard hit a fucking triple!!!! Jose Arredondo. A bullpen monster with 18 k against 3 bb and 8 holds.
The accumulator of the most Tommy Points recently has been the unbelievably speedy Carl Crawford, who the New York Times dubbed "The Ice Man" in a recent fawning piece:
Carl Crawford has an important ritual after almost every baseball game. He finds a tub, fills it with ice and submerges his body into the frigid water.
“I just sit there and act as if I’m taking a bath,” said Crawford, the Tampa Bay Rays’ left fielder.
Crawford morphs into the ice man to help rejuvenate his muscular legs, the legs that help make him one of the most dynamic players in the major leagues. He is fast and he is fearless, an ideal combination for someone who hopes to damage another team every time he reaches base...
Crawford, who is probably the fastest player in baseball, has solidified his position as the best base-stealer with a major league-best 20 in 20 attempts. He swiped a base in a 4-3 victory against the Yankees, giving him a steal in nine straight games. That includes a record-tying six steals against the Red Sox on Sunday. Jason Varitek, Boston’s catcher, is still trying to catch him.
How fast is Crawford? Longoria estimated that Crawford, after taking his usual lead, can zoom to second in about 3.1 seconds. After Crawford victimized Boston so spectacularly, Red Sox Manager Terry Francona lamented how Brad Penny had twice thrown pitches to the plate in 1.28 seconds and Varitek had fired both of them to second in 1.9 seconds. Those are better than average times.
“We can’t go faster than that,” Francona said. “He outran it.”
Those are words to warm the bitterest owner's heart.
Other players have not made their mark yet this season. David DeJesus saves his best performances for days on the bench. Milton Bradley took about five seconds to get into it with people in Chicago. Russell Martin has been playing quite poorly, although he did deliver a little value-added with two swipes in the past week.
The real problem for LM has been the pitching staff - SO MANY pitchers have solid underlying peripherals, but have gotten lit in several key games. Joel Hanrahan imploded and Carlos Marmol has had issues.
However, I concocted a plan to get Justin Verlander, Aaron Harang, and Cliff Lee back on track. These guys are basically healthy and sound, but they were just not focused to begin the season. Tommy knows the chi of managing like you wouldn't believe, and my many years of coaching baseball all over the globe have blessed me with an encyclopedic knowledge of some crazy ass tactics.
I found an old VHS tape that was as obscure as it was bizarre.
I sat them down and said, "Watch this video. This is some fucking weird shit that will drive all the demons out of your head and replace them with baffled astonishment, and a odd ass song stuck in your head for days."
After they viewed this, I tried to explain to them the puzzling fact that this song was #1 for a month in the UK, but they all stared with blank expressions on their face. "What the fuck?" said Cliff Lee and the others nodded.
The effects lingered as the SPs took the mound and delivered impressive performances for me the past couple of weeks. Distractions were banished, leaving only sharp strikes, few beebs and "HEEETHCLEEEF" running relentlessly through the minds of the young hurlers. God bless you Kate Bush and your weird ass song!
My methods are unorthodox. But the results are undeniable.
A totally healthy LM is a threat to any team, and if I ever get my pitching ironed out and my lineup shuffled to optimum, you guys are so screwed.
Ps. Stephen Strasburg: 9-0, 1.54 ERA, 0.82 WHIP, 135 K/13 BB, 17.27 K/9.
Three weeks into the season, and Tommy's team is a pathetic 27-27.
Mediocrity!! That's what I truly loathe.
The LOWV has been kicking ass these first few weeks. We've had brilliant performances, disappointments, and jail rapes of some unsuspecting teams.
And through it all, LM has been completely average.
Horseshit!! Eventually someone will have to pay for this crappy performance.
But for now, it's time to share my Thoughts.
SHOCKING VIDEO
It's clear from the comments that one GM may have unwisely released this clip...
One "djmelsa" praises the LOWV in a public message to youtube accompanying this video clip. Curious to say the least.
I'm pretty sure this video depicts the brutal training methods applied almost immediately after birth in the horrific Banana Belt youth academies deep in the heart of Japan.
Shame on you BB!!!!!
I intend to inform the UN about this outrage, as soon as I finish this column and have a snack.
ANTI-SALOON LEAGUEIf this division was a song right now, it would be "Locomotive Breath" by J. Tull. League giants and upstarts dueling in the dawn light.
This division hurtles towards a season of hard-fought battles and blood spilled all over the streets of Brooklyn, while rebellious hordes from outside make plans to storm the ramparts.
I really hope it comes to blows this year.The first meeting of Lacey Underalls and Fecal Clatter in the division era, the top billing on the Week Two card, was a surprising smackdown.
I've rarely seen a statline as glistening as the one Lacey recorded in that matchup.
Taste it. I don't see a single untoward number on that row.
FC was in it all week, then folded up like an origami vagina on Sunday, whilst the rival GMs sat beside one another at a Sox game no less.
Now, if you think LU is going to rest on its laurels after defenestrating its hated foe, you are stupid. They are going to sharpen those laurels into tiny daggers and pepper the league with blowgun blasts. Because they are that goddam persistent.
One of the reason why league GMs literally beg me to write this column is that nobody cultivates league sources like I do. I'm using those sources to get some insight into the machinations of the dastardly LU. One of my most trusted sources tells me LU management recently reached out to his team to propose a trade. The other team would give up its longtime franchise player and a useful utilityman, while LU would offer a first baseman and Bandy Johnson. Now, my source could not recall if the first baseman offered was Miggy Cabrera or Carlos Delgado, only that he was "foreign." Since this is a pretty significant difference, it's tough to evaluate the offer. What we do know is that the other team's counteroffer, which did not include the franchise player, was outright ignored by LU.
Don't waste LU's time with bullshit offers, serve up champions or just leave him alone.
This division also features two LOWV GMs sharing one floor of a Brooklyn house. Poor Man's Fart is matching LU step for step and has had one of the strongest starts in the league. FC suffered the aforementioned asskicking from LU and now sits eleven and one-half games out of first in the division.
PMF has had a rollercoaster season, all right. Opening up by walloping its collegial rival Banana Belt, this team made clear that its emphasis on excellent pitching had not eroded. This team has racked up many wins through its consistent, deep pitching across almost all categories.
I'm told the secret is the music the pitchers groove to in the bullpen before every game:
The offense has scored very few runs, by far the least in the league, and it embarrassed the team in its 12-7 defeat at the hands of Vicious Rumors, failing to capture more than one category. The bats must deliver at some point for this team. Beating up a slow-starting BB and a defenseless Flash is one thing, but PMF is still looking for that franchise-defining moment that will ignite a dynasty.
In the meantime, a game back of the red-hot LU will serve PMF quite nicely.
Are Fecal Clatter fans hitting the panic button yet? This is a premature ejaculation if I've ever had one, but the Scotty Scotty Bake Bake trade looks like a stinky boother bathe right now.
I saw it, I was there. The morning of Sunday, April 12, and FC has a gigantic 12-5 lead over LM. In every facet of the game, FC has been the superior team. What happened that fateful Sunday? LM showed up with a big hitting day and a CG SO from Aaron Harang. FC's frontrunning offense flamed out like Roberto Alomar. Game by game, LM crept back into the match...in an annual tradition, Tommy's boys pooped in the FC Sunday afternoon chili. When Carlos Marmol whiffed Corey Hart in the 8th inning of the night game to tie the match, flipping two categories, what once seemed like a defining overture turned into an intestine-bound gas bubble for the Fecal ones.
The funny thing was, FC was still a better team than LM that week. But this league doesn't reward overall bestness, it's all about the categories son!!
The next week, the most pathetic face ever made while checking fantasy scores on a Blackberry was glimpsed upon the visage of FC as the scores from his last day against LU came in...
If it weren't for the pedestrian victory over upstart Bonomatory Influence last week, this team would be digging itself quite a hole.
For the record, I still strongly tally FC as one of the top six teams in the league...righting this poop ship destroyer will lead to browner seas. And I mean that in the best possible way.
While we're on the subject of Bonomatory Influence, no team has exceeded expectations like that team so far. BI's early surge is putting hope in the hearts of its fans from the Presidential Range to the Rocky Mountains. Two solid wins and a respectable defeat to a playoff team is an excellent start for the BI squadron.
The Influence's pitching staff features a number of quality arms, and his lineup includes many guys I love to watch play the game. You gotta love scrappers like Jayson Werth, the heretofore-proficient hitting of Placido Polanco, the promise of Ian Stewart, and the electrifying start of Emilio Bonifacio. Would you rather have your young starters or BI's stable, which includes Bumgarner, Scherzer, Galarraga, Floyd, Volstad, Cueto, and Broxton?
But there's one problem for this team: a core of elite hitters just doesn't seem to be there yet. That's why I still need to see more from BI to declare this launch successful.
Time to call out Banana Belt shortstop Jose Reyes, who promised to steal home in honor of Jackie Robinson, but has pussied out so far.
This item was brought to my attention by ERdR sources, who mocked Reyes for failing to accomplish the feat before their young outfielder, Jacoby Ellsbury, swiped home with a straight steal on the big stage against the Yankees.
Hopefully, ERdR will ramp up the mockery on Reyes until their only matchup in June, at which point Reyes steals home four times in a day and ERdR becomes just the latest victim of the "Talking shit on BB jinx." I guess I am destined to be a victim too, because I am here to say that David Murphy has played himself out of a roster spot. His 1 for 25 funk has mired him on the Rangers bench and completely unplayable for BB.
Not that this has much fazed the league's perennial champ, who took a significant thumpin' from PMF in stride, then rebounded with wins over Flash and unB. BB's all-squinty-eyed outfield and proliferation of devastating aces get the job done against second-tier competition every time. This team would love to lay back in 8th place overall until late July, and then charge like a Pamplona bull down the homestretch for an unprecedented, opium scented, dark tinted fourth title. I, for one, would not be surprised to see that happen.
Mired in sixth place in the division, we have the Flash...
One thing this team has going for it is the best player in all the realms of man.
God knows I love Chase Utley like a son. His stout and devout leadership of LM has led us through many a tempestuous campaign. Well, two tempestuous campaigns, but I've shed a sea of neurotic sweat beads in that short interim. But if I was picking a team from scratch, I would ditch Chase Utts and go right after Albert Pujols with the first overall pick. His offensive game is simply a joy to behold. Watching him play is like watching the baby Jesus frolic with an adorable puppy on a puffy cloud.
Unfortunately, this magnificent player isn't enough to ensure victory, and Flash's prowess is failing him in the early going. With his oft-injured pitching staff serving up dingers at an alarming rate, Flash is locking down saves and not much else in a series of defeats. Averaging 6 points through three weeks is a troubling sign for this team, but history shows that early returns are very misleading.
Flash's major trade bargaining chip - his pitching depth - has been splintered by the plague of injures that have hit his staff. Still, I can see a deal going down before season's end that might help Flash get some lineup protection for Pujols while shipping out a solid SP or two. Get on it, league GMs!
In the basement of the American Sign Language tardzone is the perennial disappointment, unBeleaguerable.
The following video clip is a Tommy's Thoughts exclusive. We're publishing it in hopes of resuscitating a franchise so full of promise three short weeks ago. One desperate, typical unB fan in Slidell, LA tried to inspire his favorite team by recording this anthem of gaiety and hope:
Gimme something to believe in, unB, that's all the fans are asking for and that all I am asking for too. With so many players mailing in subpar performances, especially impulse buys Billy Butler and Matt Lindstrom, unB has suffered three thorough whippings. Three of the four top teams in the ASL got there by pillaging unB. What happened to the team that had some GMs freaked out 'round draft day?
Early on the team's leadership was upbeat, but I'm not sure how long that attitude will last. Years of losing may be inspiring bold action. Even franchise cornerstone Justin Upton has not been immune from whispered criticism. Outside of Yonder Alonso, his farm team is a series of question marks (I know people jizz in their pants over Tim Beckham, but I'll believe it when I see him hit big league pitching).
Thirty-three dongs yielded is a sour tiding for the unBeleguerable forces. A few timely additions would shore up a fairly solid pitching staff, but they have to keep the ball in the yard.
As for the offense, I suggest you light a fire under those young men by cutting a few of them, to teach 'em a lesson, ya know? Maybe Longoria, to show that nobody is untouchable? Think on it.
Whew, one division comprehensively dissected and dissed. Time for an inspirational video.
In part two of this column, to be published imminently, my Thoughts on the clearly superior Christian Temperance U, and the story of how I hypnotized my SPs to make them awesome.
