Elias Releases April SOS and RPI

San Francisco, CA -- The Elias Sports Bureau has released the strength of schedule and RPI for the first month of LOWV action. The strength of schedule (SOS) was calculated by tabulating the winning percentage of all the opponents faced thus far.

The RPI, on the other hand, was calculated using a much more complex formula. This formula is actually the same one employed by the NCAA in determining the seeding for the Division I basketball tournament. The details of this formula are confidential.

A spokesman from Elias was quick to point out that this early in the season, the numbers are less predictive than indicative. However, a few key items jump out from the numbers. The RPI is especially "fuzzy" this early into the season as it correlates so strongly to the winning percentage. It will only reflect really bad losses and really strong wins. Thus only DLBP flipped with Snats in the RPI standings vs the actual standings. SOS, on the other hand, is a fairly useful number as it quantifies clearly the guantlet that each team has faced thus far.

The first of these is the brutal schedule of tough teams some teams have faced. Banana Belt (.528), unBeleaguerable (.541) and DLBP (.561) have faced some of the toughest SOS in the month of April. These teams squared off against teams who held an winning percentage well above .500. However, while BB rose the challenge, it appears the burden was far too much for DLBP and unBeleaguerable in the early going.

Conversely, FC (.462) and El Guapo (.466) have enjoyed an incredibly easy schedules thus far, with only Mothership (.456) facing more dandelions. However, El Guapo and FC have certainly taken the opportunity to open up the season on a tear whereas Mothership has flaundered in mediocrity while fine tuning its lineup.

Something to look out for in the near future, is a surge from LM (.490), Equipe (.494), VR (.492) and LU (.490) who have all faced relatively difficult schedules in the early going. LU has outpaced the others due to a hot start from its roster. The others have been mired in various hitting slumps and injuries, causing them to play .500 ball to start the LOWV. However, should the luck shift and the schedules even out a bit, these teams could move up in May.

Yet, in the end, the numbers may do little more than reinforce what was already clear to many. Perhaps the next set up numbers at the end of May will be more enlightening.

Equipe Hopes DeJesus Saves, Ship All 'bout the Hamiltons

San Francisco, CA -- As rampant speculation swirled around Equipe’s executive office as to whether the long time GM was on the hot seat, La Grande Moustache exhibited his trademark Gallic resolve with what may turn out to be an eleventh hour trade. In the late hours of Monday night, Equipe and Mothership agreed to a four-player trade involving rookie phenom Josh Hamilton and veteran slugger Carlos Delgado.

Equipe agreed to send Josh Hamilton and Lyle Overbay to Mothership in exchange for Carlos Delgado and David DeJesus, with the expansion team agreeing to eat $4m on Delgado’s exorbitant $17m contract.

Nils commented on the trade as being fair and balanced. Noting that while he loved the raw potential of Hamilton and the consistency of Overbay (whom he inexplicably referred to affectionately as “mon petit Chou Chou”), he felt the team needed a shake up after the slow start to the season.

Mothership’s GM, Mike Jones, was unavailable for comment at press time as he had accompanied Shipmates Kalil Greene and Carlos Silva to a Hilary Duff concert at MSG.

Delgado was not surprised by the news.

“That punk ass, excuse me…pardon my language, [Mike] Jones has been putting my ass out on the trading block for weeks now. He never hid the fact he was disappointed with my start. I mean, who wouldn’t be, I’m batting .187. But, hell, I didn’t have to hear about it on the radio. That’s just disrespectful.”

Hamilton, on the other hand, seemed somewhat out of sorts when he received the news.

“Wait…what? I’m going where? [sniff] When? Damn. [sniff] Alright, I got to sort some things out before I head over there. [sniff] You know, make sure my people know where I’m at and such. I got things going on here, and you know my shit is straight now. HOT DAMN! Brooklyn here I come. I’m the king of the [expletive] world!” Hamilton rambled, oscillating between elation, disappointment and confusion. All the while, his foot tapped furiously on the floor, seemingly keeping beat to the symphony of his emotions.

Hamilton later offered to sell his “lucky bat” for a "sawbuck", claiming he forgot his wallet that morning and really needed the cash to call his sick grandmother and give "him" the news. Subsequent research revealed both of Hamilton’s grandmothers died in the later half of the 1990s.

Overbay’s initial reaction was relief, until he heard the details of the deal.

“To be honest, I’ll be glad to get out of Equipe’s lockerroom. No disrespect to them or how they do their thing…I mean they generally win games, but some weird stuff went down. Also, I was getting sick of Josh [Hamilton] always pawning off my gear to call his grandmother. I realize she’s sick and all, but he could at least ask before…WAIT, what? He’s coming to the Ship too? Oh…I see. Well, I’m sure we both just needed a fresh start on a new team. Right? That usually helps with these sorts of things.”

DeJesus seemed the most distraught by the news. The Brooklyn native seemed genuinely hurt that his boyhood team had sent him across the country despite repeated assurances from Jones that he was definitely not on the market. While, he refused to comment on the trade, his cousin and self-proclaimed manager Lil Mickey was more than willing to go on the record.

“Yeah, my boy won’t too happy bout it at first, you know, being as he’s leaving Brooklyn—in the HOUSE, represent!—and all, but he realizes this could be a big thing. That team all fagged out in Cali, but they always making runs at the title. He gonna bust ass and be the number one stunna at leadoff. No doubt. For reals. Peace. Out.”

Team captain, Delmon Young had a measured response to the trade announcement.

“Dat’s cool. I guess. Didn’t like that Hamilton guy anyways. Always tweakin and hangin round my locker all geeked out and [expletive]. Hella crazy. I do got one thing to say doh, DeJesus got a good thing going and all, but if he even think he gonna take my leadoff spot…hell, Ima gonna choke that bitch ass out.”

In the end, this may be the last move by Mssr. Coq au Vin. While he has weathered many storms before, there are reports circulating that ownership can not stomach the losing skid—especially, considering Equipe was beaten by both expansion teams during that streak.

Short Pants Radio Hour: Five Alive

After a quick turnaround, Short Pants returns with its fifth episode. Sahl (FC) and Lombardi (LU) return from their trip to Fenway to join Jones (Mothership) and Walls (PMF) in the studio. Kentz (BB) is on assignment down at his Tidewater A club. Guest Paul Basil sits in to provide rational insight and perspective.

Highlights: Yank's bipolar nature is discussed; Jones revists his predictions vis a vis Kei Igawa; Lombardi and Sahl dimiss Bloody Sox-gate while Walls laughs at the homerism; Lombardi exposes his giant whipped vagina; El Guapo is dismissed by Sahl; Walls wonders how many drinks it would take to get Looper into bed with him; Sahl discusses puss-dripping boners; Jones announces pending trade with Equipe; Lombardi compares it to the first time you finger a girl; Walls invokes eminent domain and claims dominion over all discussion on all things Mets; David Wright gets dumped on by the gang culminating in Sahl confessing he would consider a straight up trade offer for Ty Wiggington; the gang's discussion of Shawn Green's faith sets off alarm bells in Anti-Defamation League offices across the country; Walls takes issue with the spelling of Torii Hunter's name; Jones admits he enjoyed watching him get hit in the face with a faceball; clubbing "Athens-style" is defined for everyone's benefit; Sahl's hubris knows no bounds; Jones reads letter from Tommy Lasorda.

Short Pants Radio Hour: Ep 4

Short Pants returns with a short-handed crew. Kentz (Banana Belt), Jones (Mothership) and Walls (PMF) yack about various topics while Lombardi (Lacey Underalls) and Sahl (FC) are conspicuously absent. Without their intrepid producer, the hosts displayed a much more freewheeling style, peppered with various, colorful rants by Walls.

Highlights: Jones mangles the pronunciation of Equipe; Kentz admits to "pulling a Lasorda" on Arroyo; Walls rips into Adams (unBeleaguerable); Kentz admits that he never banged Ivanca Trump while at Georgetown; Jones and Walls discuss Kentz' perspirational issues; Jones gets the gangs take on various transactions around the LOWV; Walls complains about ARod's fruity issues; the show culminates in a collective jerk circle to the Mets while wondering what ever happened to poor David Wright's swing.

LOWV Tragedy

Historic Beaning Brings Tragedy to Banana Belt Clubhouse
Fecal Clatter Denies Culpability
LaJaquardes N. Pulitzerface, Staff Writer











Tender-winged former Fecal Clatter pitcher Hong Chi-Kuo rarely spoke to his teammates. His coaches were so disturbed by his pitch selection that they referred him to counseling. And so when Kuo finally and horrifying came to the league’s attention yesterday, he did so in committing the worst mass beaning in LOWV history.

“He never threw offspeed once. I’ve never seen heaters with such consistent late movement.”


This is how Jeremy Sowers -- as teammate Matt Capps daubed drool from the corners of the young lefty’s mouth -- recalled yesterday’s horror, when a pitcher burst into the Banana Belt clubhouse yesterday, armed with a bag of batting practice balls, and emotionlessly fired pitches at his teammates’ elbows, thighs, backs and rear ends.

















The pitcher, later identified as disabled free agent Hong-Chih Kuo, gave mild contusions to nearly 20 members of the Belt. Only a handful escaped unscathed, including Doug Davis, who hid behind the callipygian Prince Fielder, and Ichiro Suzuki, who wedged himself into the crack of a bathroom stall door.

The vicious attack brought the total number of people beaned by Kuo yesterday to 22.

“He came up to the locker room door with that bag of balls,” said the Belt’s Ian Kinsler. “I didn’t recognize him but Hollidayie [BB left fielder Matt Holliday] tapped me and goes, ‘Isn’t that that Wong [sic] dude who was so nasty on Fecal Clatter next year? He must be bringing us some balls for BP.’”

“He didn’t say anything,” Justin Duchscherer said. “He was very calm, very determined, methodical in his beaning. He started hurling as soon as he opened the door.”

The day began just like any other. In the Fecal Clatter bullpen shortly after 7:15AM, pitching coach Tim Lollar was overseeing Kevin Gregg’s off-day bullpen session and Michael Wuertz crouched under the bench picking up discarded sunflower seeds that had accumulated during the team’s tense week against D’Lucious Bitch Pies.

A man strode into the pen with three baseballs in his hand and side-armed a nasty sinker at Wuertz that started at Wuertz’s neck and broke sharply and struck his lower back.

The assailant then fired a four-seam fastball at Gregg’s $3 right arm and a sharp backdoor slider at Gregg’s hindquarters once FC’s newest SP,RP specialist doubled over in pain.

“My immediate concern was for Kevin,” Clatter GM Yurwurst Nachtmarz said upon learning of the attack. “Wuertz… eh. We were waiting until he finished his chores to tell him he’d been released.

Kuo returns to Taiwan after release from FC in March

“My second thought was, it had to be Hong-Chih Kuo.”

FC moved Kuo to the DL in late spring in order to acquire Wuertz. The pitcher was dropped entirely days later to make room for Gregg.

The initial reaction of FC officials has sparked league-wide outrage. Nachtmarz ordered an immediate lockdown of the Fecal Clatter locker room but failed to alert the visiting team, the Banana Belt, about the attack.

“Based on what we knew at that point,” Nachtmarz said, “we considered it an isolated revenge attack against pitchers Kuo believed had caused his release from our organization. Nobody could’ve imagined he’d be back at the stadium two hours later to commit such monstrous savagery against our opponents.”

Nobody, that is, except former teammates who remember the “grotesque, macabre” pitch selections Kuo displayed in his erratic but often brilliant months with Fecal Clatter.

“Dude would throw high outside cutter for a strike on 3-1, and follow up with a hard curve up and in,” said Orlando Hudson. “That’s simply insane, and it made me so uncomfortable. It was like something out of a nightmare. I was even thinking of scenarios of what I would do in case he ever harnessed his splitter, I was that freaked out about him.”

His catcher last year concurred. “When I went to talk to him on the mound, after he’d strike out two guys in a row on six straight changes and two-seamers,” says Johnny Estrada, “I was very careful with my words in case he decided to snap.”

Kuo, an immigrant from Tainan City, Taiwan, was portrayed by his fellow teammates and coaches as an insecure loner who sat by himself on the team bus, penned bizarre hate-filled screeds on the locker room Dry-Erase board, and would sign into the team hotels on the road using only a backwards letter K -- a strikeout looking in baseball scorekeeping -- as his name.

He hung no pictures, posters or decorations in his locker, though team officials found “considerable writings” underneath his former locker -- now occupied by Gregg, whom authorities believe was the principal target of yesterday’s beanings -- that included lengthy rants about wealthy teammates and their perceived debauchery, and an apparently autobiographical play entitled “The Ho Who Loved Hong-Chih Kuo.”

Fecal Clatter takes great pride in players who have debuted on its team and gone on to success in the LOWV, and claims to be stunned and ashamed to learn the assailant responsible for the worst mass beaning in league history was a product of its farm system. Team founder and chairman emeritus Galt Varg Sahl described his shock at the events “beyond description.”

A former Fecal Clatter player complained to management about Kuo’s behavior during the team’s pennant drive in the summer of 2006, but the team failed to take action, demurring about “boys being boys.” The new information raises questions about whether warning signs in Kuo’s behavior and problems were handled effectively by the organization.

But the former teammate alleges that he knows the real reason no disciplinary reason was taken: “Dude struck out 71 batters in 59 and two-thirds for us,” said Nick Swisher. “At Fecal Clatter, it’s not about character, just winning.”

In late August 2006, Swisher says he returned to the clubhouse at the end of a game in which he’d played right field to find that his first baseman’s mitt had been re-laced with shoelaces depicting the Taiwanese flag. “Had to be Hong-Chih. Just totally [messed] up, man.”

What could have prompted his bizarre behavior? “I played catch with [recent call-up Matt] Garza before the game, trying to help the kid relax in his first stint in the bigs. And it wasn’t like I’d dissed Hong-Chih or nothin’. We’d never played catch before. We’d never even high-fived before. Dude was a lone wolf, bro, stalking me or some [thing like that].”

Swisher approached the young SP,RP, asking him about the peculiar re-lacing. “He stood up and said he wanted to look me in the eye to see how cool I was, said that’s the only way he could tell how cool I was by looking in my eyes,” Swisher remembers. “And when he looked into my eyes, he goes, ‘I see promiscuity.’ I was like, whoa, decided to leave him alone and just asked [equipment manager] Chappy [Duffman] to get me a new mitt.”

David Wright’s only conversation with Kuo was equally unnerving. “I asked him to toss me a brew from the cooler in the clubhouse after we clinched a playoff spot last year. ‘Hey Kuo, toss me some suds,’ y’know? He yells back at me, ‘I told you, all you rich pricks, my name is BACKWARDS-K!’

“He never did toss me that beer.”

Dr. Crayton “Cray” Z. Sickough, FC team psychiatrist and an expert on personality disorders and serial beanings, said the delay between beanings may have been a matter of nerves or practical necessity.

But unnamed sources are murmuring of a far more sinister rationale.

“well I no how e-z it is to play bannaa belt,” emailed a league source requesting anonymity. “but teams that arent so nasty as me ad my stars need 2 intimedate w/ beanballs and injurring the other taems.”

Rampant but unproven rumors hint that upon realizing the extent of Kuo’s insanity and beaning skills, and increasingly panicky about losing to long-time rival, Natchmarz promised the jilted pitcher a roster spot in exchange for attacking Banana Belt’s strongest players.

Whether a senseless act of random violence, or a massacre ordered by a desperate front office, the carnage has produced the same consequence -- a petrified opponent with little interest in life’s trivialities.

“How am I supposed to care about playing a silly game against Fecal Clatter when I have a charity to run, insatiable young surfer boys to feed, and fingernails to carefully trim?” mused BB’s Mike Piazza as he cleared out his locker and administered a hernia test on a batboy. “It’s just not worth it.”

Raping a Stranger

With the possible exception of the Central Panamanian Cockfighting Circuit, there is no known athletic association on the planet with more blood feuds than the League of Women Voters. While the teams maintain a façade of brotherhood and friendship, in actuality many GMs despise one another. For these teams, every season is a chance to humiliate their rivals and prove their superiority. GMs who have smitten their enemies tell me that the feeling is like waking up to discover that your penis has grown six inches. Each week, at least one major rivalry is joined on the playing field, and each GM has the desire to capture that very sensation. For those who are denied, revenge is the only option.

Executives from most teams admitted to holding outright vendetta on at least one other franchise. Two teams denied participating in the feuds, but their attitudes were markedly different. The Flash reportedly has a policy against such behavior, and he usually devotes his public appearances to dissing his own players, rather than his opponents. Meanwhile, Equipe Roi du Radeau officials claim that their team is too good to have a rival. “Quelle horreur! How dare you put me in a sentence with another franchise?” cried Nils Coq au Vin in red-faced rage. “The other teams are mere peasants, not fit to groom a flea-bitten donkey, let alone this magnificent pony I am riding.”

D’Lucious Bitch Pies vs. El Guapo
This is one of the newest rivalries, and easily the most exciting feud in the LOWV today. This war began when El Guapo released a blistering missive on the league message board, blasting his opponents and calling out D’Lucious. Almost instantaneously, DLBP struck back with a magnificent piece of prose that silenced any whispers of a sophomore smack slump – one the most brilliant opponent maimings in recent memory. This was followed by a half-column jab at El G from DLBP’s Tinseltown ally, Vicious Rumors. Few teams could withstand this blistering barrage of negative propaganda. However, many El Guapo officials told me they believe D’Lucious overreached with his email to the last edition of the Short Pants Radio Hour, which the hosts harshly derided as “gay.” This gaffe definitely leaves the door open for an El Guapo counterstrike, and the fact remains that DLBP needs to beat his San Francisco rival on the scoreboard to claim true bragging rights.

Poor Man’s Fart vs. unBeleaguerable
This is a feud that has claimed the lives of many mid-level employees of both organizations. Whether it was the assassination of three PMF scouts at the P.G.T. Beauregard Sports Complex in rural Louisiana, attributed to rogue unB boosters, or the savage chainsawing of an unB vice president in the Dominican Republic at the hands of a mob of bloodthirsty child soldiers on the payroll of the PMF Caribbean operation – trust me when I tell you, this is some serious shit. The teams hate each other dating back to a harsh exchange of views some time ago, regarding certain females and the penises that might be put therein. UnB largely laughs off this conflict, while secretly ordering more death squads into the field. When contacted for comment, PMF merely shook his head and uttered wearily, “Unbeleaguerable.”

Bonomatory Influence vs. Himself
While I was researching this story, one GM told me on terms of anonymity that “Dat dere Bonoma boy just be a tad bit tangled up in his own self, too many ladles of his own gumbo, so to be speakin’. There ain’t nobody standin’ in the way of himself but himself. He got the smarts, he got the diamond knowhow, but his team don't never win. Don’t tell nobody I be sayin’ this or nothin’, but I b’lieve he might be shot thru the dome with telephone rays or some such. Boy be trippin’, yes indeed.” As this fat black female GM who shall remain nameless waddled off, I realized that she was right.

Snaturals vs. Lasorda’s Manicotti
This is a developing feud that has the potential to be especially ferocious. These teams were once allies, but the GMs of the two franchises fell out at the Brooklyn auction. Snaturals czar James Aborn was outraged at LM for raising two of his late-round nominations above $1. Spitefully, he bid $2 on Scott Proctor for the sole purpose of aggravating Lasorda. This tactic worked to perfection. Sources in the LM clubhouse tell me that Lasorda has still not gotten over his thwarting in the Proctor nomination, and has actually become angrier by the day. One reported, “the other day when someone mentioned Proctor, Lasorda smashed a glass Branch Rickey figurine with a bat autographed by Pee Wee Reese and called Snatty a ‘beaker brained fatherfucker.’ His pride is obviously wounded and he is a very petty man. I counted fourty-four F-bombs in two minutes.” Snatty Bobolowski is not about to stand aside and watch as the LM organization sets out to destroy him. In fact, a mysterious crossbowman in a Spiderman disguise was recently seen lurking outside the grounds of Dick Beatonian’s oceanside estate, leading the billionaire LM owner to place a large and complicated order of e-ink. The crossbowman has not been seen since.

The Mothership vs. Poor Man’s Fart
Although a new rivalry, this one has brewed up quickly, given the geographic proximity of the two GMs and their regular radio sparring. Mothership’s confidence certainly gives him an edge over PMF’s fatalism, but PMF is a proven contender in the LOWV. So far, the two general managers remain cordial, but neither is a stranger to calling his opponents out in public. Mike Jones will keep the pressure on Bobby Walls, whom he accused of rampant friend dating after MShip failed to coerce PMF to swap Giambi for Delgado. The rookie out of Milwaukee should keep in mind that PMF is renowned for his wicked comebacks, either by triple-entendre or by good old-fashioned dirty photo blackmail. Still, Jones wields a big microphone, and league GMs would be well advised not to cross him if they want to avoid a tongue-lashing on the league’s most popular radio program.

Vicious Rumors vs. the Banana Belt
These two teams peacefully coexisted for years, until Vicious Rumors’ infamous propaganda machine cranked out an appalling expose about the clubhouse – or should I say bathhouse? – of tBB. In a recent radio appearance, an obviously distraught Ricardo Matlaban hurled a flurry of invective at the Los Angeles owner, including “Spielberg worshiper” and “Hollywood playboy bastard!” Host Mike Jones said VR had crossed the line, but the hysterical laughter of the Short Pants peanut gallery at the very mention of Mike Piazza or Pat Neshek vindicated the yellow journalism. Vicious Rumors is unapologetic about releasing the sordid information. Spokesman Dominic Rosetti told me, “Yo, the Rumors don’t play. You try to cover up some shiznit, we find it out like Encyclopedia Brown on crack. Don’t be jealous, bitches!” Off-off-off the record: my confidential sources tell me that Matlaban recently reached out to VR CEO Bill Waters through back channels. Was it to make peace, or make threats? They won’t say.

Fecal Clatter vs. Lacey Underalls
With these two teams sitting atop the current standings, this may have become the premier rivalry in the LOWV. These are two great teams whose executives are not afraid to duke it out in public. In the past week alone, LU owner Nicholas T. Popo ripped FC owner C. Dave Sahl for his endorsement of the VR pitching staff, while Sahl reacted to Popo’s acquisition of Felix Pie with comments that I will paraphrase as, “I fart on Felix Pie.” Officials from each team describe the other in derisive terms, with nothing but scorn for their longtime foes. An executive from one team told me about the time when his manager decided to take it easy on their rival in a meaningless late-season matchup. After winning, the rival gloated as if he had just won the league championship. Incidents like this have led to very bad blood between the franchises. It was difficult to get anyone from either team to comment publicly about the feud, given their Belichickian levels of secrecy. However, it is easy to predict that by the end of the season, one of these GMs will be left bitching about the superciliousness and arrogance of his opponent, while the other will awaken the next morning to find he is wielding an extra half foot of penis.

Paparazi Exclusive: Guapo Cuckolded by Equipe?

San Francisco, CA -- Paparazi may have captured heartbreak on film. Late last week, the press snapped this shot of J.J. Achermann's reaction to catching his wife, Haley "Bones" Achermann, in a compromising encounter with Nils Coq au Vin. Mssr. Vin, a renowned playboy and the GM of Equipe, has had a long running feud with Mr. Achermann since it was revealed several weeks ago that Vin was Achermann's biological father.

Short Pants Radio Hour Returns

Short Pants returns for yet another edition. Kentz (Banana Belt) returns, joining Jones (Mothership), Sahl (Fecal Clatter), Walls (PMF) and new contributer Lombardi (Lacey Underalls).

Boasting a much higher production value, the show returns with a sleeker and more polished effort than ever before. Unfortunately, the hosts don’t live up to the slick intros and segways putting in one of their most drunken and chaotic performances ever. The show quickly devolved into race baiting, food fights and at least one drunken claim that Jim Rice was better than Barry Bonds.

Highlights: Jones insists he’ll win the LOWV; Lombari blasts the city of Milwaukee; Sahl recounts his loss of purity in the city’s fabled Fister Hotel; Short Pants Mailbag makes its debut with a question from DLBP; Rick admits both he and catcher Piazza once held press conferences declaring their hetero-status; Sahl breaks up with Jason Bay on the air; Kentz responds to the latest edition of “Star”, saying “only Piazza was beating off, but that’s it…to a picture of Trot Nixon”; Lombardi busts Sahl’s balls for slurping VR’s pitching staff; Lombardi and Kentz drool over Elijah Dukes; Jones debates Duke Rape case with the gang; Mozarella fight breaks out; Jackie Robinson is discussed.

Useless Dork Department -- Fascinating Week One Findings

If Vicious Rumors has as many wins as The Banana Belt, and PMF’s pitchers give up as many as dongs as unBeleaguerable’s, you know what that means.

It must be a whole new season.

So let's provide clear proof, from the first week of the season, that it sure isn't last year anymore:

• The two teams with the best regular season record – Lasorda’s Manicotti and Equipe Roi du Radeau -- never spent one day under .500 all last season. Lasorda’s Manicotti had a losing records by the end of Week One this year.
• unBeleaguerable spent two weeks over .500 last season. They were almost .500 after the first week of this season.
• Poor Man’s Fart played two weeks against The Banana Belt last year and tied once and won once. They played their first week of this season against Banana Belt -- and lost.
• D’Lucious Bitch Pies were the first team in the LOWV to lose fourteen games in Week One last year. This season, it took until Week One for them to lose 14 games.
• Last year as a Fecal Clatterer for half the season, Geoff Jenkins hit three home runs. So of course, he homered three times in the first ten days on The Mothership.
• As the great Editorial Board of the Independent Daily Bugle Monitor reported, Justa Jynie Achermann had made it through over one week managing El Guapo without proclaiming his own sainthood. But he had that happen in the second week of this season.
• On each of the last two Opening Weeks, D’Lucious Bitch Pies has lost exactly 14 categories. In between, they only lost that many categories or more seven times.
• The Snaturals went all last season without losing 15 categories. So what was the first team to lose 15 this year? Who else? The Snaturals.
• Bonomatory Influence won on Opening Day two straight years when it had Woody Williams on the roster. So naturally, they lost their first opener with a Woodyless team that handed out $189 worth of contracts over the winter.
• The Flash hadn't suffered week with more than 13 losses until Week 4 last year. But the Lacey Underalls stuck a 7-13 on them on Opening Week.
• And only five times in the last 22 weeks had multiple expansion teams won in a week. But that happened in the first week this season.
• Bonomatory Influence won their first week against Equipe last year. It took them one week against the Equipe to lose this year.
• Before this year, when he was employed by teams not known as the Mothership and a perpetual free agent, Jeff Suppan made seven starts in Miller Park and lost none of them (5-0, 1.76 ERA). So was there ever any doubt he'd lose his first game in Miller Park after he became a Mothershipper?
• In 62 appearances last year, Jorge Julio never gave up five hits (or more) in any of them. And in his entire career (all 343 games of it), he'd never had a game in which he allowed five hits without getting at least three outs. But what happened in his first game on Poor Man’s Fart? He coughed up a lead in the ninth -- by giving up five hits in 1/3 of an inning.

A Message to Mothership?

San Francisco, CA -- Apparently, a listener did not take kindly to something he heard on the radio. It appears a bizarre and frightening message has been sent to renowned shock-jock Mike Jones.

Shortly after business hours, the Loose Lips night janitor, Jim Achermann, came across a suspicious package addressed to L.L. Editor-in-Chief, Inhersons Pooper.

Achermann, unauthorized to open any mail since his privileges were suspended in the wake of the now infamous "Barnyard Bros" imbroglio, quickly contacted the local authorities and Pooper.

After the Bay Area Bomb Squad (BABS) declared the package "fabulously safe", Pooper opened the envelope to discover an unsigned cryptic note (see inset above, click to enlarge) and a video cassette (see inset below, click to play).

The note contained a veiled threat directed at LOWV radio shock jock, Mike Jones who is known for his off-kilter humor, mid-western parochialism and phlegmatic delivery. Composed using cut out magazine and newspaper clippings, authorities were unable to trace its origin. However, the frequent use of slightly soiled Dan Shaughnessy columns indicates the note may have originated in the Boston metro area. Many New Englanders find Shaughnessy's columns softer and more pliable than most conventional brands of toilet paper.

The video contained what appeared to be Japanese characters, but staff translators have been unable to decipher much beyond a string of phrases, including: "family", "hostage", "revenge", "disembowelment", "ritualized" and "bloody death."

The authorities and the L.L. staff are puzzled by the missive and seek the public's help in translating the remaining text and identifying its intent. If you have any information please contact the staff at L.L. immediately.

Walls Holding on By the Seat of His Pants

San Francisco, CA -- As certain as a Morgan Ensberg DL stint, Poor Man's Fart came out of the gate sputtering, stale and woefully insubstantial. However, in a break from recent tradition, the front office is sending signals that it is not content to sit tight and ride out another sour start. Ownership may clear the air.

Unidentified sources within Poor Man's Fart have disclosed that longtime owner and former big leaguer Rich Gedman is strongly considering firing GM Robert Walls after yet another miserable start by PMF. Limping out to a flaccid 4-15-3 start, the "lovable losers" may have overstayed their welcome in the hearts of PMF-fans and executives.

Gedman refused to comment on the matter, but his publicist was kind enough to send our offices an autographed photo of the former Red Sox.

In an exclusive interview only moments after the Clermont BiWeekly Times-Dispatch broke the story, Walls seemed honestly flummoxed by the possibility. The conversation was vintage Walls, an awkward melange of pregnant pauses and slurred stammering punctuated only by staccatoed buck shots of nervous laughter.

When asked what he would do if fired by PMF, Walls spoke of his youth and a potential return to the proverbial Big Top. It was as a young circus performer that Walls first met PMF owner and longtime mentor, Gedman.

"Yeah, I remember it clearly. We were outside Selma, it was hot as an ape's tit. I had had a pretty miserable show. The fleas were bad down there." recalled Walls.

"Then in walks this lug of a guy. Honestly, I thought he was retarded or deformed. Hell, maybe even trying out for the big time. People are always sending over their freak brother to see if they can get some cash, you know?"

"Anyways, he walks right up to me and says 'Son, how would you like to run a baseball team?' Turns out he could relate to me cause of my condition, and you know...the fact he looked like he should be on tour with us."

Gedman would later admit that his decision to hire Rob "The Dog Faced Boy" Walls as his GM was largely influenced by a brief foray into the world of psychlotropic drugs. He maintains, however that he stands by his decision despite its less than successful returns.

Two weeks later Walls was in Brooklyn overseeing the day to day operations of PMF. His first few seasons have been somewhat disappointing considering the level of talent and capital invested in the team. Fans, players and the media have dogged the team for its lackluster play.

However, there are many within the League of Women Voters who hope that old dog can learn a few new tricks. Perhaps, that will start this week in his match up against foreign import, Equipe.

Overheard: Sahl is a "Petite Couchon"

When informed of former FC GM and current LOWV Commissioner Chris Sahl's comments regarding the alleged theft of prospect Jaoquin Benoit, Equipe's GM Nils "la grande moustache" Coq au Vin responded, "Quel conard, perhaps messieur Sahl would like to eh take ze credit for la Liberation de la France en plus...if he has un petit problem avec Equipe, perhaps he would like to tell it to me directment. I promise to make, eh, how do you say, le petite couchon squeak."

Smack Battle Heats Up!

At the dawn of each LOWV season, when anything seems possible, a GM’s mind turns to thoughts of postseason glory. The most prestigious honor in the LOWV is, of course, the Carrie Chapman Catt Cup, awarded to the winner of the previous year’s postseason playoff. However, with the Banana Belt gripping that honor in an airtight hammerlock the past two years, the postseason LOWV Awards have taken on increasing significance. Since the Awards are voted on by the entire league, winning GMs know that they have earned the respect of their peers - with the exception of the “Biggest Bust” award winner, who knows that either he made an idiotic mistake, or he has a really nice set of jumblies.

A few phone calls to team offices revealed that last year’s award winners are still swelling with pride, despite comely nurses’ best efforts to ice them down. Tommy Lasorda has commissioned a set of 13 commemorative porcelain plates from the Franklin Mint for his fellow GMs, featuring MVP Ryan Howard in a home run trot, with the words “Suck It Bitches!” emblazoned across them. Nils Coq au Vin revealed plans to tattoo “2006 LOWV ROY” on his left ass cheek, to counterbalance the tattoo of Charles de Gaulle on his right ass cheek. Meanwhile, Fecal Clatter underlings nervously confided that other teams have been cold to their trade suggestions after the team took home 2006 Trade of the Year honors: in the words of one FC employee, “Everyone is afraid of being called this year’s unBeleaguerable.”

All these awards, however, are judged on fantasy baseball merit. The Smack Talker/Board Poster of the Year award, colloquially known as the Smack Award, requires no such expertise. The 2006 campaign for this award was nothing short of jungle fierce. UnB set the early tone with a barrage of smack that can be distilled to the simple phrase, “I will put my penis inside everyone you love.” Vicious Rumors dropped mad Ebonics on his opponents, Lasorda cursed them out, BB quoted obscure song lyrics and The Flash made do for most of the season with the eloquent phrase “Nomar sucks my bunghole.” Equipe cowed his enemies with Francophone disses, while Poor Man’s Fart stunned the league by revealing “LU’s Secret”: a photograph of team owner Nicholas T. Popo grinding with a fey “friend” at a seedy homosexual disco. Despite all this accomplished smackery, the award was captured in a landslide victory by D’Lucious Bitch Pies. DLBP’s crowning achievement in 2006 smack was probably the bulletin board post where he mapped out an extended David-and-Goliath metaphor, accompanied by a long and hilarious list of disclaimers; this correspondent also favored his early-season smack-off with LU, in which he taunted Popo with memories of his middle school girlfriend Kassia and revised his Yahoo Avatar accordingly.

The 2007 Smack Award competition got underway before the calendar year even began. VR spent his offseason cultivating friendships with several prominent newspaper columnists, when he wasn’t self-fellating with an 8x10 of Nick Markakis clutched in his sweaty hand. This spadework resulted in a barrage of withering coverage of his fellow GMs’ booze habits: the LA Times reported on FC owner Sahl’s alcoholic binges while the New York Times revealed the auction-day drunkening of Lacey Underalls. VR also turned his wrath on contracted team H Cloud, exposed Lasorda’s attempt to sell a military Jet on Ebay, and brought to light the Commissioner’s attempt to find a girlfriend with big juggs via classified ad. But our confidental sources tell us that the next story to be revealed by the VR press office will be the most explosive yet.

Meanwhile, the Mothership has taken to the airwaves to express his opinions on the league on the Best Radio Show Ever, with assists from LOWV luminaries like FC, BB, and PMF. League sources wonder if MShip’s wit and wisdom will be enough to overcome such prognostications as “Igawa is better than Matsuzaka”, but nobody wants to be on the receiving end of a Short Pants broadcast smackdown. Bluster Foney and the rest of us here at Loose Lips Sink Ships are sure to serve as assassins-for-hire, slandering on demand for any GM who flashes cash. Every GM in the league is sharpening his smack dagger: El Guapo’s entire season appears to be a sustained assault on the league’s Bostonians, PMF is lurking everywhere with his zoom lens, unB is constantly paging through his thesaurus looking for synonyms for “vagina”, LU will inevitably gain revenge for past smack attacks, and it’s anyone’s guess what the legendarily creative DLBP will come up with this year. One thing’s for sure: the war for 2007 Smack Champion is well underway. Watch your back.

Elias Sports Bureau to Keep LOWV Stats

April 9, 2007

Brooklyn, NY -- In a much anticipated deal signed early Monday morning, LOWV and the Elias Sports Bureau agreed to a 5-year partnership. While the exact terms of the deal were not published, it was announced that Elias would publish all pertinent team statistics on the internet. The hope is that this database will provide GMs with top-notch, up to the minute statistical information allowing them to make intelligent, well-reasoned decisions.

Short Pants Radio Hour Returns for 2nd Installment

Gather the kids, wake up Grandpa and Grandmama and gather round the radio -- the second episode of the "Short Pants Radio Hour: The Greatest Radio Show Ever" has arrived.

Hosts Mike Jones (Mothership) and Chris Sahl (LOWV Commissioner/Fecal Clatter) are joined by contributor Rob Walls (Poor Man’s Fart) to discuss the current LOWV season, talk about the first week of MLB and eat carrot sticks. Kentz was on assignment, but will rejoin the show next week.

Highlights: Jones admits he may have been a bit off-base regarding Matsuzaka’s talent; the gang discuss the Met's hot start to the season; Jones unsuccessfully attempts to entice Walls into a trade -- Delgado for Giambi; hosts speculate as to which MLB managers on already on the “hot seat”; Sahl’s egotism bubbles to the surface when he calls out Equipe’s GM for “poaching his pitching prospect”, Benoit, despite the fact said pitcher was a consensus “sleeper” among all baseball publications; Walls laments yet another slow start for PMF; Sahl salivates over VR’s pitching staff; the gang review last week’s matchups and make predictions for the upcoming week.

"Short Pants" The LOWV Radio Show Debuts

The 21st Century dawns on LOWV as it takes the virtual airwaves with the innaugural episode of "Short Pants: The Greatest Radio Show Ever."

Hosts Mike Jones (Mothership), Rick Kentz (Banana Belt) and Chris Sahl (LOWV Commissioner/Fecal Clatter) discuss the upcoming LOWV season, make MLB predictions and bust each other's balls.

Highlights: Jones calls out Matsuzaka; Sahl reaffirms his love for all things Santana; division winner predictions are made; Sahl calls Reyes and Howard the "most overrated players in baseball"; Rick defends an 18-year old Mets hat.

Strength of Schedule Analysis

One unexplored variable that has large and far-reaching consequences in head-to-head leagues is unbalanced scheduling. Each team in the league gets a home and away with 9 of the teams in the league and single game series with the remaining four teams. Although the Commissioner’s office claims these matchups were randomly assigned, there are some intriguing disparities in strength of schedule.

We have compiled the SOS number in order to help illustrate the disparity. That number is based on the somewhat arbitrary predictions provided by the Commissioner’s preseason report. Each single game series was given a value based on their preseason rankings. FC as the preseason #1 is a 14. El Guap as the small fish in the pond is a 1. The lower the total number, the harder the schedule.

I. SERIOUS DICK IN THE ASS
Lasorda's Manicotti = 20 (BI, PMF, El Guapo & Mother)
Lasorda drew the toughest schedule we’ve ever seen. It scored an astounding 20 on our rating system. His gets two matchups with every contender except PMF. Who wants to play LU, BB, FC & ERdR twice? Nobody. Unfortunately, that’s his draw. His other single game matchups are BI, El Guap and Mothership. Obviously, the Commissioner’s office saw him as a threat and dealt appropriately.
Therefore, look for Lasorda to struggle, but remember his wins are all quality wins and he could “overachieve” his seeding come playoffs. On the flip side, the hard schedule may keep him out of the playoffs all together.

Banana Belt = 22 (Snatties, Flash, VR & BI)
The reigning champion got no favors from the scheduling office. While not quite as tough as LM, it’s splitting hairs to find real difference in difficulty. BB’s schedule is just brutal: FC, LU, LM & ERdR two times. Ouch.
Just like LM, look for BB to struggle out of the gate. Injuries to his staff will be especially damaging considering the level of talent he has to face week in and week out.

unBeleaguerable= 26 (VR, BI, PMF & El Guapo)
This would be a tough but fair schedule or even brutal, if only unBeleaguerable were considered a title contender. Unfortunately, they ain’t. Especially not with this schedule. For unBeleaguerable his patience will be tried with home and aways with the leagues most fearsome teams. Good luck.

El Guapo = 30 (Mother, FC, LM & unBeleaguerable)
For an expansion team, El Guapo sure got fucked. They will match up with every contender twice, except for LM and FC. That may not sound that bad, but considering the projections for Guap, it could get really ugly. This is more glaring when one looks at the cakewalk his fellow expanion team, Mother got. Welcome to the league. Enjoy your stay, it may be a short one.


II. BRUTAL TO BE HONEST
DLBP = 30 (Flash, VR, BI & PMF)
Flash = 31 (DLBP, BB, ERdR & Snatties)
While these schedules are not as tough as those listed right below, these schedules are particularly tough when you consider their preseason projections. These teams were all picked to finish in the bottom half of the league, yet possess two of the toughest schedules. It will be very interesting to see how they respond.


III. TOUGH BUT FAIR
Fecal Clatter = 27 (PMF, El Guapo, Mother, LU)
Lacey Underalls = 28 (ERdR, Mother , Snatties, FC)
Equipe Roi du Radeau = 29 (LU, Snatties, Flash, VR)
Fittingly these title contenders have been stuck with some of the toughest schedules in the league. Of the three, LU’s seems like it may be the easiest, despite their middling score. We feel this due to the fact that Mamma Jams’ team will duck Equipe and FC. But, in the end there really is no difference worth mentioning. We were glad to note that the Commissioner's office didn't give FC a free pass. Not saying we expected any less than top notch integrity, but we wanted to make sure.


IV. JUST ABOUT ON PAR
Bonomatory Influence = 33(LM, unBeleaguerable, DLBP & BB)
The Mothership = 38 (El Guapo, LU, FC & LM)
Snaturals = 39 (BB, ERdR, LU & Flash)
While on the easier side, these schedules of BI seem to be the most balanced. The teams face most of the title contenders and gets a good mix of angels and devils in their single game series. They will finish higher than expected. Go get em Bonomes.
As for Mother and Snatties…they better thank their lucky stars. They got a couple of the easiest schedules we’ve ever seen. They would be considered Cakewalks if their teams had the talent and depth to truly take advantage. However, look for both teams to finish higher than projected. We hope both teams will be able to capitalize on such serendipitous fortune.


V. CAKEWALKS
Vicious Rumors = 32 (unBeleaguerable, DLBP, BB & ERdR)
Poor Man's Fart = 35 (FC, LM, unBeleaguerable & DLBP)
Seriously, PMF and VR might as well pack their bags and head straight to the playoffs. With this gift of a schedule, they have to be favorites to take the regular season title. They duck FC, LM, BB and ERdR between the two of them. While they still get both expansion teams and just about every cellar dwellers twice. They are pretty much playing a AAA schedule. If they fail to make the playoffs it will be an epic chokejob to make Herr Heimlich proud.

Matsusaka Hears Jones and Vows "Fukusyu"

BREAKING NEWS: Japanese import and Cy Young contender Daisuke Matsuzaka responded violently to a percieved slight by rival team The Mothership's GM, Mike Jones made on the new LOWV radioshow.

Jones reportedly called out Matsuzaka as overrated and due to have a worse season than Japanese rival import, Kei Igawa. Jones went on to disagree with co-hosts Ricardo Maltaban and Christopher Sahl, guaranteeing that Matsuzaka would win less than 14 game. Jones violently disagreed with Maltaban's assertion that Matsuzaka will be the next Sandy Koufax and Sahl's assertion that he would win at least 15 games.

Matsuzaka when informed of the slight by his translator, returned to his locker in silence, donned traditional samurai gear and left the facility without comment. The only clue as to his intentions was an elaborate caligraphy symbol he slashed into the clubhouse wall. This symbol was later deciphered as "fukusyu," or revenge.

Hours later at The Mothership's headquarters 27 were dead, another 6 injured. Fortunately, due to a serendipituous trip to the bathroom, Jones managed to escape harm. Unfortunately, Matsuzaka seems deadset on finding and dismembering Jones and his entire family. In response to this threat, Jones has relocated to an undisclosed location. Authorities are on full alert.

New Radio Show Debuts

Former GM of FC and current LOWV league Commissioner, Christopher Sahl, Banana Belt GM, Ricardo Maltaban, and The Mothership GM, Mike Jones, stunned baseball fans with the debut of their radio show. While they spent much of the first broadcast jerking each other off and patting each other on the proverbial backs regarding their team rosters...amid the lube, laughs and joshin' there are gems of knowledge. I urge you to give it a listen. Click here or the link to the right to download.

Title Contenders?

FECAL CLATTER
The youth movement is in full effect over at FC with Chris B. Young signing a 5-year deal and Stephen Drew and Howie Kendrick signing 3-year deals. Matt Cain also hammered out a 2-year deal. No surprise, FC signed longtime sweetheart Roger Clemens to a 1-year deal worth $5m. If there is one thing more certain than the sun rising in the East and setting in the West, it’s FC’s undying love for everything Roger.

In other news, there was a bit of grumbling from managers around the league concerning the recently released Commissioner’s Preview. For the 12th season in a row it listed FC as the favored title contender. As one rival GM noted on condition of anonymity, “He sho’ do love dem Zona boys. Dat sho’ could be somtin’ ugly. I ain’t hatin’, but rooks be shady. Pretty boys, no doubt, lotta fun too! But dey ain’t got the same s’perience in the boots knockin’.”

Another GM questioned the $15m FC has left on the table. “C’est absolutement fou. Qu’est que c’est ca? Ridicule. Why would he, eh, act like a, how do you say, petite marche when he has beaucoup d’argent?”

Only time will tell if FC is holding the younglings for trade bait or his priestly fetishes have gotten the best of him. NBC’s Dateline standby, we may have found your next predator.

THE LACEY UNDERALLS
Probably the scariest team on paper, LU has had a fairly quiet yet productive off-season. Team GM Mamma Jams has added solid young talent in Miggy Cabrera, veteran hurler Kelvim Escobar and the sandman Mariano Rivera. Like FC, LU has locked up the most promising talent on his roster for years to come with Hanley Ramirez signing a 5-year deal and Cabrera, Justin Morneau and Jonathan Papelbon penning 3-year deals.

However, as rival GM’s have pointed out LU has some serious injury risks. “How the [expletive] can you [expletive] trust [expletive] Kelvim [expletive] Escobar to finish a [expletive] season? What a [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] piece of [expletive] [expletive]! And don’t even [expletive] get me started on Freddy [expletive] Sanchez. That little [expletive] [expletive] can’t even play with a [expletive] [expletive] pinky [expletive] finger. I’ll show him the [expletive] DL. And ol’ [expletive] man Sheffy? Ha, what a [expletive]. Good luck with that pussy-willowed [expletive] [expletive] Hawpe too and toady [expletive] mcgee Fartolo [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] Colon.”

THE BANANA BELT
While Banana Belt is obviously a perennial title contender with his obscene talent and creative management there a considerable amount of question marks plaguing the team this season. Locking down RFK handicapped Zimmerman to 5-years shows BB is banking on the new stadium to boost his numbers in the not-so-distant future, but in the interim? Furthermore, with the signing Pedro Martinez and Francisco Liriano, BB might as well start his own Tommy John surgery clinic.

As one rival GM put it, “Seems like dat boy playin’ fo’ da future. He ain’t got nuttin’ gonna happen dis season, ‘less he make da moves. Sho’ got sum hurlas, but dem boys be iffy. Where da powa at? Piazza loves dem boys, he gonna be distracted in da Gay area. Mark my words. Do love dat Reyes-boy ‘doh.”