Smack Battle Heats Up!

At the dawn of each LOWV season, when anything seems possible, a GM’s mind turns to thoughts of postseason glory. The most prestigious honor in the LOWV is, of course, the Carrie Chapman Catt Cup, awarded to the winner of the previous year’s postseason playoff. However, with the Banana Belt gripping that honor in an airtight hammerlock the past two years, the postseason LOWV Awards have taken on increasing significance. Since the Awards are voted on by the entire league, winning GMs know that they have earned the respect of their peers - with the exception of the “Biggest Bust” award winner, who knows that either he made an idiotic mistake, or he has a really nice set of jumblies.

A few phone calls to team offices revealed that last year’s award winners are still swelling with pride, despite comely nurses’ best efforts to ice them down. Tommy Lasorda has commissioned a set of 13 commemorative porcelain plates from the Franklin Mint for his fellow GMs, featuring MVP Ryan Howard in a home run trot, with the words “Suck It Bitches!” emblazoned across them. Nils Coq au Vin revealed plans to tattoo “2006 LOWV ROY” on his left ass cheek, to counterbalance the tattoo of Charles de Gaulle on his right ass cheek. Meanwhile, Fecal Clatter underlings nervously confided that other teams have been cold to their trade suggestions after the team took home 2006 Trade of the Year honors: in the words of one FC employee, “Everyone is afraid of being called this year’s unBeleaguerable.”

All these awards, however, are judged on fantasy baseball merit. The Smack Talker/Board Poster of the Year award, colloquially known as the Smack Award, requires no such expertise. The 2006 campaign for this award was nothing short of jungle fierce. UnB set the early tone with a barrage of smack that can be distilled to the simple phrase, “I will put my penis inside everyone you love.” Vicious Rumors dropped mad Ebonics on his opponents, Lasorda cursed them out, BB quoted obscure song lyrics and The Flash made do for most of the season with the eloquent phrase “Nomar sucks my bunghole.” Equipe cowed his enemies with Francophone disses, while Poor Man’s Fart stunned the league by revealing “LU’s Secret”: a photograph of team owner Nicholas T. Popo grinding with a fey “friend” at a seedy homosexual disco. Despite all this accomplished smackery, the award was captured in a landslide victory by D’Lucious Bitch Pies. DLBP’s crowning achievement in 2006 smack was probably the bulletin board post where he mapped out an extended David-and-Goliath metaphor, accompanied by a long and hilarious list of disclaimers; this correspondent also favored his early-season smack-off with LU, in which he taunted Popo with memories of his middle school girlfriend Kassia and revised his Yahoo Avatar accordingly.

The 2007 Smack Award competition got underway before the calendar year even began. VR spent his offseason cultivating friendships with several prominent newspaper columnists, when he wasn’t self-fellating with an 8x10 of Nick Markakis clutched in his sweaty hand. This spadework resulted in a barrage of withering coverage of his fellow GMs’ booze habits: the LA Times reported on FC owner Sahl’s alcoholic binges while the New York Times revealed the auction-day drunkening of Lacey Underalls. VR also turned his wrath on contracted team H Cloud, exposed Lasorda’s attempt to sell a military Jet on Ebay, and brought to light the Commissioner’s attempt to find a girlfriend with big juggs via classified ad. But our confidental sources tell us that the next story to be revealed by the VR press office will be the most explosive yet.

Meanwhile, the Mothership has taken to the airwaves to express his opinions on the league on the Best Radio Show Ever, with assists from LOWV luminaries like FC, BB, and PMF. League sources wonder if MShip’s wit and wisdom will be enough to overcome such prognostications as “Igawa is better than Matsuzaka”, but nobody wants to be on the receiving end of a Short Pants broadcast smackdown. Bluster Foney and the rest of us here at Loose Lips Sink Ships are sure to serve as assassins-for-hire, slandering on demand for any GM who flashes cash. Every GM in the league is sharpening his smack dagger: El Guapo’s entire season appears to be a sustained assault on the league’s Bostonians, PMF is lurking everywhere with his zoom lens, unB is constantly paging through his thesaurus looking for synonyms for “vagina”, LU will inevitably gain revenge for past smack attacks, and it’s anyone’s guess what the legendarily creative DLBP will come up with this year. One thing’s for sure: the war for 2007 Smack Champion is well underway. Watch your back.