Raping a Stranger

With the possible exception of the Central Panamanian Cockfighting Circuit, there is no known athletic association on the planet with more blood feuds than the League of Women Voters. While the teams maintain a façade of brotherhood and friendship, in actuality many GMs despise one another. For these teams, every season is a chance to humiliate their rivals and prove their superiority. GMs who have smitten their enemies tell me that the feeling is like waking up to discover that your penis has grown six inches. Each week, at least one major rivalry is joined on the playing field, and each GM has the desire to capture that very sensation. For those who are denied, revenge is the only option.

Executives from most teams admitted to holding outright vendetta on at least one other franchise. Two teams denied participating in the feuds, but their attitudes were markedly different. The Flash reportedly has a policy against such behavior, and he usually devotes his public appearances to dissing his own players, rather than his opponents. Meanwhile, Equipe Roi du Radeau officials claim that their team is too good to have a rival. “Quelle horreur! How dare you put me in a sentence with another franchise?” cried Nils Coq au Vin in red-faced rage. “The other teams are mere peasants, not fit to groom a flea-bitten donkey, let alone this magnificent pony I am riding.”

D’Lucious Bitch Pies vs. El Guapo
This is one of the newest rivalries, and easily the most exciting feud in the LOWV today. This war began when El Guapo released a blistering missive on the league message board, blasting his opponents and calling out D’Lucious. Almost instantaneously, DLBP struck back with a magnificent piece of prose that silenced any whispers of a sophomore smack slump – one the most brilliant opponent maimings in recent memory. This was followed by a half-column jab at El G from DLBP’s Tinseltown ally, Vicious Rumors. Few teams could withstand this blistering barrage of negative propaganda. However, many El Guapo officials told me they believe D’Lucious overreached with his email to the last edition of the Short Pants Radio Hour, which the hosts harshly derided as “gay.” This gaffe definitely leaves the door open for an El Guapo counterstrike, and the fact remains that DLBP needs to beat his San Francisco rival on the scoreboard to claim true bragging rights.

Poor Man’s Fart vs. unBeleaguerable
This is a feud that has claimed the lives of many mid-level employees of both organizations. Whether it was the assassination of three PMF scouts at the P.G.T. Beauregard Sports Complex in rural Louisiana, attributed to rogue unB boosters, or the savage chainsawing of an unB vice president in the Dominican Republic at the hands of a mob of bloodthirsty child soldiers on the payroll of the PMF Caribbean operation – trust me when I tell you, this is some serious shit. The teams hate each other dating back to a harsh exchange of views some time ago, regarding certain females and the penises that might be put therein. UnB largely laughs off this conflict, while secretly ordering more death squads into the field. When contacted for comment, PMF merely shook his head and uttered wearily, “Unbeleaguerable.”

Bonomatory Influence vs. Himself
While I was researching this story, one GM told me on terms of anonymity that “Dat dere Bonoma boy just be a tad bit tangled up in his own self, too many ladles of his own gumbo, so to be speakin’. There ain’t nobody standin’ in the way of himself but himself. He got the smarts, he got the diamond knowhow, but his team don't never win. Don’t tell nobody I be sayin’ this or nothin’, but I b’lieve he might be shot thru the dome with telephone rays or some such. Boy be trippin’, yes indeed.” As this fat black female GM who shall remain nameless waddled off, I realized that she was right.

Snaturals vs. Lasorda’s Manicotti
This is a developing feud that has the potential to be especially ferocious. These teams were once allies, but the GMs of the two franchises fell out at the Brooklyn auction. Snaturals czar James Aborn was outraged at LM for raising two of his late-round nominations above $1. Spitefully, he bid $2 on Scott Proctor for the sole purpose of aggravating Lasorda. This tactic worked to perfection. Sources in the LM clubhouse tell me that Lasorda has still not gotten over his thwarting in the Proctor nomination, and has actually become angrier by the day. One reported, “the other day when someone mentioned Proctor, Lasorda smashed a glass Branch Rickey figurine with a bat autographed by Pee Wee Reese and called Snatty a ‘beaker brained fatherfucker.’ His pride is obviously wounded and he is a very petty man. I counted fourty-four F-bombs in two minutes.” Snatty Bobolowski is not about to stand aside and watch as the LM organization sets out to destroy him. In fact, a mysterious crossbowman in a Spiderman disguise was recently seen lurking outside the grounds of Dick Beatonian’s oceanside estate, leading the billionaire LM owner to place a large and complicated order of e-ink. The crossbowman has not been seen since.

The Mothership vs. Poor Man’s Fart
Although a new rivalry, this one has brewed up quickly, given the geographic proximity of the two GMs and their regular radio sparring. Mothership’s confidence certainly gives him an edge over PMF’s fatalism, but PMF is a proven contender in the LOWV. So far, the two general managers remain cordial, but neither is a stranger to calling his opponents out in public. Mike Jones will keep the pressure on Bobby Walls, whom he accused of rampant friend dating after MShip failed to coerce PMF to swap Giambi for Delgado. The rookie out of Milwaukee should keep in mind that PMF is renowned for his wicked comebacks, either by triple-entendre or by good old-fashioned dirty photo blackmail. Still, Jones wields a big microphone, and league GMs would be well advised not to cross him if they want to avoid a tongue-lashing on the league’s most popular radio program.

Vicious Rumors vs. the Banana Belt
These two teams peacefully coexisted for years, until Vicious Rumors’ infamous propaganda machine cranked out an appalling expose about the clubhouse – or should I say bathhouse? – of tBB. In a recent radio appearance, an obviously distraught Ricardo Matlaban hurled a flurry of invective at the Los Angeles owner, including “Spielberg worshiper” and “Hollywood playboy bastard!” Host Mike Jones said VR had crossed the line, but the hysterical laughter of the Short Pants peanut gallery at the very mention of Mike Piazza or Pat Neshek vindicated the yellow journalism. Vicious Rumors is unapologetic about releasing the sordid information. Spokesman Dominic Rosetti told me, “Yo, the Rumors don’t play. You try to cover up some shiznit, we find it out like Encyclopedia Brown on crack. Don’t be jealous, bitches!” Off-off-off the record: my confidential sources tell me that Matlaban recently reached out to VR CEO Bill Waters through back channels. Was it to make peace, or make threats? They won’t say.

Fecal Clatter vs. Lacey Underalls
With these two teams sitting atop the current standings, this may have become the premier rivalry in the LOWV. These are two great teams whose executives are not afraid to duke it out in public. In the past week alone, LU owner Nicholas T. Popo ripped FC owner C. Dave Sahl for his endorsement of the VR pitching staff, while Sahl reacted to Popo’s acquisition of Felix Pie with comments that I will paraphrase as, “I fart on Felix Pie.” Officials from each team describe the other in derisive terms, with nothing but scorn for their longtime foes. An executive from one team told me about the time when his manager decided to take it easy on their rival in a meaningless late-season matchup. After winning, the rival gloated as if he had just won the league championship. Incidents like this have led to very bad blood between the franchises. It was difficult to get anyone from either team to comment publicly about the feud, given their Belichickian levels of secrecy. However, it is easy to predict that by the end of the season, one of these GMs will be left bitching about the superciliousness and arrogance of his opponent, while the other will awaken the next morning to find he is wielding an extra half foot of penis.