All right, all right. I know what you're thinking, assholes. "Tommy goes silent when his team starts losing."
Go shower in douche! I haven't gone silent, I've just been balls deep in some bullshit. Meanwhile, I've been inspecting all of your teams and I have some very special thoughts for each of you. Believe it, you slut wives!
First, this is where I've been for the past month.
WILLOW AVENUE RUMBLELeave it to a ginger to ruin everything. This season was going awesome until our owner,
Dick Beatonian, decided to relocate our team to Somerville, Mass. Just when I had gotten used to the placid ocean view, ideal for contemplating my master plans and threatening rebellious players with death by drowning, Dick decides the team needs to be closer to the Boston metro market to "maximize our advertising revenue"...translation, so he can order up prostitutes without paying a travel fee.
Whatever, I moved with this team across the country, so 45 minutes away is no thing. We decided to leave in the middle of the night, just to fuck with y'all.
The moving trucks were rolling down Broadway, on our way to the new stadium, when a red light in Ball Square brought the caravan to a sudden halt. A tumbleweed blew across the intersection. All of a sudden, a huge crowd of men wearing black leather jackets with a red stripes on the sleeve surrounded us. They held maple bats and, to a man, wore a cold blooded grimace.
In the cab of the lead truck, I scanned the hostile mob. In the flickering light of the Sound Bites sign I recognized more than a few faces:
Torii Hunter glowered,
Adam Dunn smirked,
Orlando Cabrera molested a high school girl.
"Fuuuuuuuck," I croaked. We'd run right into an ambush of the
Snatty kind.
From the crowd,
Major Beans stepped forward. "What the shit is this?!" he shouted. "You're rolling on Willow Ave after dark, Manicotti bitches!"
"That's right,
ese!" said his sidekick
XNady.
"We're going to our new stadium, step off!"
"This is the slums of Somerville, and this is Snaturals turf!"
"Eat shit, Beans!" I said. "Last I checked this was an open city!"
"Last I checked YOU are an open city!" retorted the Major.
It was clear he was in no mood to equivocate. As a staunch believer in the importance of seizing the initiative, I knew exactly what I had to do.
"Let's kill these motherfuckers!!" I screamed to the team and we all poured out of the moving vans to attack the Snatty crew. LM was ready for the fight, having trounced our opponents in the spring and firmly believing in our superiority.
I led the charge, quickly disabling
Brandon Phillips with a well-aimed karate chop to the taint. He fell on the ground squealing like a weasel on a grill.
Bob Howry tried to grab me from behind, but I spun around, my girth belying my amazing dexterity, and headbutted him with my prodigious Neapolitan dome. He crumpled at my feet.
When I looked around the rumble, however, what I saw disturbed me profoundly. This was not the pushover Snatty that LM ravaged months ago. Our new crosstown rivals had emerged from the midsummer crucible tougher and more resilient than ever - and they were exacting their revenge on my overconfident force. They seemed to have Spidey sense, and every attack we tried was quickly thwarted.
Mike Mussina shattered a maple bat over
Chipper Jones' head and then stabbed him in the abdomen with a shard.
Melvin Mora shoved
Chase Utley on the ground and repeatedly kicked him until he was coughing up blood.
Derek Jeter felled
Jason Giambi with a rabbit punch, crouched over his stunned opponent, and brutally tweezed one hair after another from Giambino's 'stashe.
Ryan Howard and
David Ortiz fought in a dark alley like two magnificent black sumos. Ryan landed a few massive blows, but then started swinging and missing, over and over again. Big Papi grabbed him and threw him to the ground. He crushed Howard with a gigantic belly flop that nearly knocked out the younger man, then pinned him with his gut and pummeled him with fist jabs.
The more I looked around, the worse the spectacle became.
Justin Verlander and
Ricky Nolasco cowered as
Mark Buerhle menaced them with a lefthanded switchblade.
Jeff Baker valiantly stood his ground against Snatty's outfield, but
Mike Pelfrey snuck up behind him and punched him in the spine, and he fell to the ground in a coma.
As I stood agog, an arrow whistled through the air, cleanly slicing through the folds of my ample uniform, miraculously leaving my belly flab unscratched. I turned to see Major Beans, pointing a second arrow at my eyeball with bow drawn.
"The next one will pierce your skull," said Beans. "Surrender now or die!"
Terrified, I fell to the ground. "All right...I surrender, you dick! We'll leave Somerville!"
All around me, LM warriors collapsed with exhaustion while the Snatty posse exulted.
Major Beans, gracious in victory, helped me off the ground. "Actually," he said, "I'm thinking of moving Snaturals Stadium to Medford. You're cool to stay here. You wanna....play Risk?"
THE EVIL PLOT OF "DICK CLARK ROCKEFELLER"It was a balmy summer afternoon when the door to my office swung open. In the doorframe stood an aging, stout man I'd seen many times before on the field of play. He regarded me with a measure of animosity and a modicum of grudging respect. It was
Lou Piniella.
"Tommy, you piece of shit," he said.
"What do you want, you fat fuck?" I replied.
"As much as it pains me to help you, being the Dodger pussy that you are," Lou responded, "You've got a rat in your organization. A fink. A fraud. A mole. A scoundrel!"
"And why should I trust a dirty Yankee like you?"
"Because you're using a precious roster spot on an imposter!"
Sweet Lou proceeded to tell me a tale that blew my mind. By the time it was over, I was booking a plane ticket to Arizona.
"It all started last season. Everyone in Chicago was excited about our young star pitcher,
Rich Hill. But there was something about the guy I just didn't trust. He claimed to be from the upper crust in Massachusetts, but he kept getting the details mixed up...he'd tell one person he spent the offseason windsurfing with John Kerry, then tell someone else he spent it playing Beirut with the Kennedys. He claimed he went to Michigan, but he couldn't pronounce 'Schembechler.' There was something about him that just seemed wrong. So I decided to investigate...
"I determined to throw Rich off his game by asking him off-the-wall questions, like my idol
Lieutenant Columbo. We'd be in the clubhouse, toweling off our naked bodies, when suddenly I'd query, 'What's better, the geodesic dome or Buckyballs?' Rich would look at me with curious puzzlement, and I'd say 'Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were from Milton Mass., home of
Buckminster Fuller...' and smirk as he tried to explain his way out of it. Or I'd say, 'So what did you guys order for pizza at the South Shore Baseball Club - Upper Crust or Pizza Galley?' Then I'd ask him again a few weeks later. He could never keep his answers straight!
"It was obvious that this guy wasn't who he claimed to be. So I dug deeper. And what I found horrified me.
"I learned that the guy who showed up in Boise in 2002 to join the low-A Hawks looked suspiciously unlike the guy the Cubbies had drafted, but the team ended up looking the other way because he won them all over with his wit, charm, and hilarious anecdotes about prep school hijinks. For whatever reason, nobody asked him too many questions about the trench in his back yard that smelled suspiciously like a rotting corpse....his yakker was so filthy that all his oddities were overlooked. It was only after he was promoted to the Lansing Lugnuts that the Boise players realized that although he claimed to be a Boston Brahmin, the clothes he left behind in his locker had price tags from TJ Maxx...
"You see, Tommy, it turns out that the guy you and I believed to be Rich Hill is not the REAL Rich Hill. I think the real Rich Hill has been reduced to a pile of bones I exhumed from that Boise backyard.
Fukudome is analyzing the DNA as we speak. The guy in his place is someone entirely different. Not just a fraud, an evil impostor with the destruction of LM on his agenda."
I cut Lou off. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "This doesn't make any sense!" I cried. "He was a member in good standing of FC, and nobody does his due diligence like
Yurwurstz Nachtmarz!"
"That's the most insidious part!!!" shouted Piniella. "I traced 'Hill's' movements backwards through time. Before he showed up in Boise, he was in a sham marriage in Minneapolis with some short haired chick named Erin something, then before that he was a foreign exchange student living in Connecticut, always under different aliases, often aspirational ones - Dick Clark Rockefeller, Dick Hillman, Richard Kennedy Hillman, Dick du Pont, Richie Rich Richman, Becky Beezenbaum, and Baron von Maleejbeej...
"But his real name:
Yurwurstz Nachtmarz Jr."
Piniella slapped down a fat dossier on my desk, at the top of which was a Norwegian birth certificate proving his claim.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I wailed.
"It was all a plan to bring you down, Tommy. FC chose a baseball prospect he knew you would love, had him murdered, and replaced him with an impostor he knew he could trust - his own son. Teaching him the fine art of the curveball, and liberally doling out bribes to opposing batters and home plate umps, FC guaranteed that the phony Hill would pique your interest. Then once he'd extracted Derrek Lee from you via trade - probably the stupidest thing you've ever done in your whole life, by the way - he gave Yurwurtz Jr. the green light to start sucking."
"However, what he hadn't counted on was my Piniellan ratiocination. I had just figured out the truth when I noticed that fake Rich had really let his performance slip. It was obvious that he had to be done away with, but in the bright lights of Chicago I didn't dare strike at him for fear of being caught. I knew if I told you about it you'd lose your mind and try to throttle him at Wrigley in front of thousands of witnesses. What I needed was a way to get him out of the spotlight entirely.
"So I decided to completely destroy fake Rich's confidence, so that he wouldn't just be subpar, he'd be outright terrible. I began questioning his ability to throw strikes, his work ethic, the length of his dong relative to the rest of the team, and his pathetic velocity. Whatever pride and ability his father had instilled in him quickly vanished, and soon he was just horrible. They sent him to Triple A Iowa, but that wasn't enough of a backwater to guarantee our safety. So I continued to send him letters and call him on the phone, telling him how much he sucks and how good our team is now that he's gone. They sent him down to rookie ball, and there he dwells - in Arizona. Do you know how few people stick around Arizona in August? It's basically just Mexicans and coyotes!"
Suddenly, the biggest bafflement I've dealt with all season became crystal clear. And I knew exactly what I had to do.
Twelve hours later, I pulled my rental car up to the Cubs facility in Arizona. It was quiet, almost too quiet. There wasn't a game or practice going on - just pseudo Hill spinning tales for a bunch of credulous 19 year old teammates.
As I approached, I heard him boast, "So I told Jenna Bush, 'Take it easy on my cock, I've only got one!' HEYYYY, Tommy!"
"How's it going, Rich," I said, barely maintaining my composure. "You wanna take a walk around the block and we can discuss your progress?" Then for the benefit of the onlookers, I added, "By the way, I just bought a yacht with gold bars and I was thinking it would be really fun to go to the Tuna Club on Catalina Island..."
"Love to!" he cried. "Guys, when I get back, I'll tell you about the time I danced the lambada with Lydia Hearst."
As we walked around the block, "Rich" tried to assure me that he didn't have Steve Blass Disease, and that he'd be back to tossing 11-K CG SO's just as soon as his back problems worked themselves out. "Yeah yeah," I said, "sure man."
A black SUV festooned with Cubs stickers suddenly swung around the corner, blasted up the street and squealed to a halt right next to us.
"What the hell?!" exclaimed psuedo Hill.
"Shut the fuck up," I said, and pistol whipped him with my nine. He collapsed in a heap. I popped open the SUV's back door, tossed Nachtmarz Jr's limp body inside, and told Piniella at the wheel - "hit it!!"
When the impostor awoke, we were flying down the 10 freeway towards California, deep in the desert and far from any signs of civilization. At first, he wasn't sure what was up. "Jesus, my head hurts. Uh, are we still going to the Tuna Club, Tommy? Wait a minute...Lou, what are you doing here??"
"Fuck you!!" yelled Piniella from the front seat. "We know who you REALLY are!"
"How do you mean? I'm Rich Hill!" he said.
"Rich Hill is in a shallow grave in Boise," I replied. "and if by 'going to the Tuna Club' you mean 'abandoned in the desert, soon to be sodomized and murdered,' then yeah, you're going to the Tuna Club - Nachtmarz!!"
The expression on his face abruptly changed and he spoke with a thick Nordic accent. "All right, you found out who I really am. But it's too late!! The damage I've done to your teams can never be undone! You're both going to fall short of the championship thanks to my father's ingenious schemes! Hahahahahahaha...."
Infuriated by his boasts, I almost capped him right then and there. But then I glanced out the window and realized - we'd reached our destination. Deep in the desert, I espied a sign: "STATE PRISON - DO NOT STOP FOR HITCHIKERS."
"Stop the car!" I shouted to Sweet Lou, and as he pulled over I repeatedly bashed Nachtmarz Jr in the dome with my gat. Then I opened the car door and threw him out. With a squeal of tires and the aroma of burning rubber, we blasted away down the interstate.
As I watched through the rear view mirror, an orange jumpsuited escapee snuck out from behind a bush, grabbed the stunned pseudo-Hill, and began ravaging him with the ruthlessness of Ron Perlman in Quest for Fire. I had no doubt that a horrible death was soon to follow.
Later that week, as we hit fungoes to the LM fielders, some podunk cops from Quartzsite, Arizona came to question me and Piniella about the Hill case. "Show up at a rookie league facility? You've gotta be shitting me," I replied. "Those 19 year olds must have sunstroke if they think they saw ME." "Look us us, we're ancient!" cried Sweet Lou. "Snowbirds like us don't show up in AZ until the wintertime! Hey, you guys want some autographs?"
Then we had some sandwiches and laughed about the whole affair. Life's funny sometimes.
AROUND THE LEAGUE
So LM is finally getting settled in our new headquarters, and with our scouting operations once again running at full power, it's time to look around the league and see what's going on.
1st - LaceyA ten game winning streak that was truly a thing of beauty was finally snapped by VR last week. During that run, LU won by 10-9 twice and 10-8 once. As has often been noted in this space, close games are where true greatness is proved!! Some of LU's trademark players, like Hanley Ramirez and Nate McLouth, have been scuffling, and Billy Wagner recently went down with an injury, derailing the league's most potent trifecta of closers. But Jesse Carlson, Frank Francisco and Taylor Buchholz have reestablished LU's presence in the hold category, a trademark of this franchise that was in remission for a time, but no longer. And overall, this team has scary depth that means there are really no weaknesses I can espy.
With two weeks to go, LU is in the driver's seat for the pennant, but a very tough schedule of DLBP/Snatty stands in the way. The latter is a particular concern, because along with VR (twice!), Flash and LM, Snaturals is one of the only teams to beat Lacey this season.
The season-ending injury to Carlos Lee, mere days after LU traded for him, was another reminder of the cruelties of the trade market. In all honesty, I took no joy in this news, unlike some contending GMs I could name...
2nd - FCTwo players are absolutely mashing for this team, one heralded and acknowledged as a fantasy god, and the other roundly scorned by the LOWV less than a year ago. David Wright is this team's signature star, but Raul Ibanez was dissed in offseason arbitration by almost the whole panel: LU said "gross," and even FC said "Expected to carry too much in a crap lineup" and gave him a 1. Now that "1" is pacing his offense. One area of weakness is catcher. Victor Martinez is still not healthy, and while Jeff Clement is finally getting the playing time he deserves, he is hitting a pretty empty .306. But that's about as nit picky as I can get with this team of patient mashers.
Johan Santana hasn't always been a fantasy master this season, but with the postseason approaching he is rounding into form and has been very sharp of late, nailing a CG SO on Sunday to destroy yours truly. That blowout put FC in a position to threaten LU, which again brings into relief the shittiness of only one matchup between those teams this season. FC isn't that confident, however, complaining that he has to play the mighty VR this week. Who said winning the pennant was easy?
Finally, it's worth noting that this team is currently carrying SEVEN relievers, with one SP/RP and one on the bench!
3rd - D'LuciousFor my money, the most exciting team in the league this year. Manny Ramirez, while demonstrably evil, is now cranking balls all over Chavez Ravine and carrying DLBP to glory. Ryan Theriot is hitting so well, he's become a pretty good option at second base. Alex Rios continues to disappoint, he lost Wakefield and CJ Wilson and Lincecum for a time, but he is coasting into the playoffs regardless. The problem with DLBP continues to be his play against other good teams. Though the Pies have thoroughly handled LM, their record against the other playoff-caliber teams is mixed, epitomized by a recent ass kicking administered by Snatty. The close of his schedule pits him against the deadly Clermont combo of LU and FC. Let's see how the Pies fare against this platinum level competition.
Once again, I have to really dig to find some weaknesses. DLBP's bullpen isn't exactly lights-out, even K-Rod has been hittable lately, and his team ERA has escalated upwards. But his K/BBsmanship is undeniable, and the offense is strong. Pencil this team into the second round.
4th - BBYou'd think I'd be cursing them after they made me look like world's worst prognosticator by leapfrogging five teams into the thick of the playoff chase. Sorry. I love me some BB. This team keeps at it until it gets locked in, and nobody slaps hits onto the board like the Belt. With all of Spain on vacation or on siesta, Ricky keeps it locked to the keyboard, making smart moves, shuffling his lineup, and so on. His doomsday weapon is CC Sabathia. Matt Holliday has been a monster, and "untradeables" Ichiro and Reyes have been filling up the stat sheets. Liriano is back and nastified. Some BBers are struggling - Double-E, Kinsler and Pedro come to mind - but their woes are more than balanced by the geniuses on this team. You gotta love Nick Blackburn - unwanted in the rookie draft, his play demanded an FA signing early in the year and he has been pretty consistent ever since.
Of course, the information ministry of BB never rests. His current propaganda campaign aims to convince his rivals that he is just a lowly underdog compared with the "true dynasties" LU and FC. I laughed so hard I almost expired when he told me that, unlike BB, LM had joined the "Illuminati" of LOWV by winning a regular season crown. Nice try, but no. If three straight championships doesn't define the quintessential LOWV dynasty, than there is no such thing as an LOWV dynasty.
This week's matchup with Snatty is one of the defining games of the season. Can't wait to see what happens.
5th - SnattyQuietly confident. Exuding love for his team. Scouting locations for a new stadium that he will own and operate himself. I don't think there's ever been a better time for this franchise.
Who's powering the offense? Would you believe Melvin Mora? 7 dongs, 39 RBI, an OPS of almost 1.200 in the last month - and Ramon Hernandez and Brendan Harris are also FA all-stars for this team. To say nothing of Mike Mussina...
Obviously, it all comes down to the apocalyptic matchup against Banana Belt. The first time these teams met this season, BB came away 11-7 winners - but this time Snatty is rocking a 7 week winning streak and looks tough as nails. As I found out first hand, Snatty is nothing to trifle with now that he's gotten reliable pitching and impact hitting to go around Big Papi. Is there any doubt that Snaturals is the GM of the Year?
Other than a dearth of recent CG SOs, this team really has it on lock right now. New Yorkers should be shaking in their boots when they behold this Bostonian behemoth...
6th - LMOutright disaster!
I'm not going to lie, a major hindrance to my blogging abilities over the past month has been the impenetrable depression brought on by the utter collapse of my team. While LM hasn't been the only team that seemed headed for the playoffs before nosediving down the standings (cough cough, Flash), managing this nine (ten?) has been like watching a car crash in slow motion - what seemed like a championship season now appears to be the blackest mark on our team's reputation. Once part of the title conversation, we're now the ashamed owners of a six-week losing streak that has seen us get spanked by VR, DLBP, Snatty (see above), BB, LU and FC.
When I lie awake at night, asking Baby Jesus why this happened to me, three answers present themselves foremost. The first is hubris. Having missed out on the big money prize by one single hit last season, I was arrogant from the auction until my team was ambushed and basically destroyed by Snatty. I was so full of myself, I dared to count BB out (note to league, there is clearly a jinx associated with this foolish deed). Based on a methodology flimsier than a New Orleans stripper's underthings, I declared myself the pennant favorite based on schedule strength, then proceeded to play every hot team in the league and get thrashed. I also incited my fellow GMs to talk trash about Mama Jams behind a veil of anonymity. Meanwhile, I arrogantly blogged every time I beat a team early in the season, rubbing salt in their wounds like a true asshole. The main reason my team transformed from geniuses to penises is that I needed to be taken down a peg, and the fantasy gods did their worst.
The second reason is clearly managerial incompetence. I challenge any GM in the league to present a more embarrassing record of shitty trades than LM has compiled. Not only that, but I have a proven genius for extracting great performances in the unlikeliest of circumstances by benching a player, thus inspiring him to hit triples or hurl a CG SO. The icing on the cake is the horrifying memories of seriously considering picking up an FA - Carlos Quentin comes to mind - then deciding to wait a bit longer, whereupon another team grabs him and laughs all the way to the bank.
Finally, our team has had unbelievably shit luck when it comes to injuries. The bell of bad news began to toll when Rafael Furcal went down, blowing a hole in my infield. Then Vernon Wells got hurt, twice. CMW went down for most of the season, Brad Penny was horrid (it turned out he was hurt too), and John Maine fucked up his arm, leading me to trade for Aaron Harang - who got hurt. Chipper Jones and Milton Bradley have battled nagging injuries all season, Adam LaRoche went down just as he started his usual late season mashing, so I traded for David DeJesus - who got hurt. Extremely promising Dustin McGowan tore his arm all to shit. When Carl Crawford went out for the season I just had to laugh. I haven't even mentioned the dozen or so roleplayers who have gone down on me, like the time Jeff Keppinger was acquired by LM only to have his kneecap shattered by a foul ball an hour later. It basically got to the point where if a guy got hurt, I had to cut him or just give up on the season, so I started slashing, and teams like unB and Mothership are still grinning about it.
Shockingly - it looks like we still have a chance to fight for the 6th spot. And fight we will, even if I gave up all hope in order to preserve my own sanity a couple of weeks ago...
7th - Neil's TeamThank god for Equipe, whose corresponding struggles have allowed me to stay in the fight. This team has some players who are absolutely kicking ass and some who are really struggling. No doubt his absence from regular computerdom while on his pre-wedding sex tourism jaunt to Southeast Asia is part of the reason why guys like Tacoby Bellsbury and Casey Kotchman have been getting ABs. I'm guessing he'll be a little more plugged in when he faces Mothership and the Manicotti.
That said, Equipe's collapse against the Flash yesterday was pretty embarrassing. I can't really talk, because my team got raped, but to blow a lead that late is emblematic of a stones shortage (cf. 2008 LA Lakers).
If you really look at how it shook out, however, that loss quickly becomes irrelevant. Fact is, Neil's Team looks pretty good entering the final two weeks. With some tweaks, his lineup should be dialed in. His starting pitching is headlined by the unhittable B. Webb and an increasingly dominant Matsuzaka. The bullpen is pretty solid (Balfour was a nice pickup). This team is still of excellent caliber and capable of doing serious damage in the playoffs.
LM/ERdR battles in the past have been some of the most exciting games in LOWV history. They generally feature Brandon Webb throwing a CG SO on the last day of the week, or offensive explosions that move handfuls of categories in an afternoon. Tune in Week 22 for the latest in this friendly rivalry.
Subplot: Does David Price arrive in time to impact the playoff race?
8th - Poor Man's FartIf a poor man farts in the wilderness, and no one is there to hear it, does it still audibly quoff?
This team sits a mere 7 games out of the playoffs, yet it does not receive a lot of buzz around the league as a contender. A look at its roster reveals a team looking gassed...guys like Navarro, Loney, Sizemore, Reynolds and especially Berkman are performing at a lower level than they did in the first half. At press time, this team was operating with four starters and a bullpen whose erstwhile star, George Sherrill, has a 6.52 ERA over the past month.
The good news - his schedule of Flash and Mothership is more reasonable than most of his competitors. He's in excellent position to claim a playoff spot. While his SPs are few, they are superb. Aramis Ramirez has been hitting well, and Mike Aviles is definitely one of the best FA pickups this season. Over the past three weeks, PMF is 2-0-1.
Will this team thrive on silencing the doubters? Or does it secretly embrace the role of last man out?
9th - VRArguably the best infield in the league at this point in time, despite the fact that many GMs have sneered at the presence of some of the players as recently as this season. Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, Troy Tulowitzki, Ryan Braun and Robinson Cano are all playing excellent baseball right now. VR recently reeled off a 7-week winning streak and just last week obliterated the seemingly unstoppable LU.
The problem? This team dug itself too deep a hole and it's going to be very difficult to gain the necessary ground. The beginning of this season was a mess for VR, featuring his star SPs pitching horribly, multiple members of his lineup getting hurt or just stinking out loud, a bullpen that was a complete joke and desperate cries for mercy taking the place of smack talk. However, with guys like Cano and Beckett turning it around, and canny GM moves transforming the bullpen into an airtight unit, VR looks like a team that could take on anyone and win in the playoffs.
14 games is not an insurmountable obstacle. He'll have to smash FC and unB.
10th - The FlashNo sooner did I crown this guy than he falls off the face of the earth.
11th - MothershipSpoiler alert!!!!!!
It seems to be an LOWV tradition that a team that didn't quite make the cut each year ravages a playoff or pennant contender, and then rallies the next season to contending status themselves. This season, Mothership may fill that role. With games against ERdR and PMF, the Ship's performance for the rest of the regular season will have a serious impact on the playoff picture. Essentially, if Mikeman inspires his men to glory the next two weeks, the present status quo will be preserved.
It's lucky for PMF and Neil's Team that Mike isn't the kind of guy who likes to play spoiler, and he that would derive no pleasure out of trouncing and thus eliminating either of them.
Psych!!!! I can just see him now, laughing with glee after destroying his fellow New Yorkers, torpedoing their playoff dreams and setting the stage for a glorious sail in 2009...
12th - El GuapoThe most notable thing about this team's 2008 endgame regards what it DIDN'T do...trade A-Rod.
As the trade deadline approached, there were widespread whispers that Madonna's love slave might be on the move. The most frightening scenario had Rodriguez going to Lacey Underalls for Jake Peavy and Nate McLouth. It was said that Lacey made panting advances, saying that Hanley alone was off the table. However, it is unclear whether the A-Rod/McPeavy deal was actually proposed, or if so by which side. The rumor, however, horrified half the league.
I have it on extremely good authority that Mothership made repeated and impassioned attempts to acquire Rodriguez, but balked at including Josh Hamilton in the deal. Other GMs attempting to work trades with El Guapo found that he didn't have time to address their offers, concentrating all his energies on a possible A-Rod swap.
But the deadline came and went, and Rodriguez stayed put.
In my mind, this was clearly the right move. While it makes sense for a team in the bottom quarter of the standings to exchange a veteran star for a package of young players, GMs were simply too stingy when it came to their offers. Alex Rodriguez is one of the top fantasy players in the game - you have to give up one of the top players to get him! For instance, A-Rod for Hamilton is a deal that makes sense. But Mothership declared that impossible because Hamilton is his "franchise", pointing especially to his $3 salary. In this way, the offers fell short as GMs failed to acknowledge that A-Rod is Guapo's franchise. Why would he settle for anything less than a top-of-the-line offensive talent?
13th - unBAnother team with a legit chance to make the headlines as a spoiler. unB faces two teams desperate for a playoff spot, LM and VR. He's playing with 2/3ds of a lineup - but the guys who are healthy are mashing. His pitching staff doesn't get a lot of props, but he has guys like Jeremy Guthrie who continue to get it done. unB never gives up and will definitely relish the spoiler's role against two opponents who favor Brady over Mannings.
Unfortunately, he only has one win in the last nine weeks. The good news is that win was over PMF, a team he relishes upsetting. When unB can piss in someone's corn flakes, he uncorks a geyser.
14th - BonomatoryFew GMs thought the Lee for Upton and Broxton trade appreciably improved BI, although the injury to Lee made many appreciate the deal in retrospect. Still, this team continues a years-long malaise and needs to break out in 2009 to maintain respectability.
I consulted a GM who's a veteran of several playoff runs to try and come up with an antidote for Bonomatory torpor. Here's what he prescribed: (1) "Get an ace. Don't count on Dempster to be the man for you next year. I'm not totally convinced." (2) "Get a first baseman and at least a passable catcher. The Johjima/Overbay combo is atrocious." (3) "Genius move to leave Stewart out there...now you won't have to sign him until the offseason, right into the 5 year slot that will keep him at $3 through 2013. Put him at IF in the spring and move Upton to the outfield." (4) "Volstad was great value with a 4th round pick...keep waiting on him and you can have him through 2011." (5) "Anibal is decent, but get rid of Froot Loops." (6) "Don't be afraid to cut almost everyone off your roster in the offseason and rebuild from scratch."
My sources tell me the team's eponymous GM, Matthew Bonoma, has gotten engaged - my final thought is to shout out a hearty congratulations!
COMING SOON: A comprehensive evaluation of the Junior League in 2009, featuring commentary on every roster in the LOWV minors.
