Dépêches de Camp d'Equipe

- Team sources report that Patterson-Lemerise trade may not go through after all. It appears that there are two obstacles that may force Equipe and Lacey Underalls to get more creative if they want to complete the trade of the all-star fiancee Patterson for the league's perennial best girlfriend Lemerise by opening day. It appears Equipe GM Nils Coq au Vin overlooked an obscure league rule that could potentially block the trade. Although Leah Wiliams is the only player in the league with a specific no-trade clause in her contract, league rules dictate that players in the first year of their contract as a fiancee -- but who also ended last season with the same team as a starting girlfriend and are thus eligible for Early Bird or full Larry Bird free-agent rights at the end of the contract -- cannot be traded without their consent. Patterson, who earns $2.4 million this season, is one of 2 such players in the league at present, afforded the right to either approve or veto trades because those Bird rights are lost if they do get traded.

- To make matters worse, this obscure rule is not the only hindrance to the Patterson-Lemerise trade. Sources indicate that Lemerise, coming off a particularly rich cooking club week may have failed the physical administered by Equipe officials. While there has been no official word from Equipe's headquarters, GM Nils Coq au Vin was reportedly seen meeting with GM Major Jimmy Beans of Snaturals, famed diet guru. Was Coq au Vin discussing a possible trade with the Snaturals' GM or was he learning the secrets to Maj. Beans' numerous weight loss titles?

- Speaking of Mssr. Coq au Vin, it appears the complications surrounding the Patterson-Lemerise trade have placed him in hot water with the new Oklahoma City based ownership group. Word around the camp fire is Heath Stowlit was not pleased with Coq au Vin's failure to land a marque FA in the offseason. Furthermore, those close to the square-jawed owner report that Stowlit was rankled by the recent press coverage of Coq au Vin's private life. They hint that Coq au Vin could be, how do you say?, ah yes, fin.

- When confronted with the possibility outside Camp d'Equipe, a disheveled and unshaven Coq au Vin was particularly defiant."I do not know what I could do to[sic] the new owner. I bought a lot of talented players. I put the team in position to compete for years to come. So what if I like to have a little fun? Who does not? Merde."

- If Coq au Vin does get the ax, who are the possible replacements? Some league sources have suggested Mike Jones of The Mothership. Jones has a reputation as a bombastic and spontaneous GM who is not afraid to make big free agent acquisitions or make statements to the press. While Jones appears to be very happy at the Ship, there is speculation he might want to move to a larger, more established market. Some have even speculated about Fecal Clatter's Christopher David Sahl, who is known to prefer the talents of younger men and seemed genuinely excited to meet several members of Equipe in the off-season. However with FC as a potential contender, it seems unlikely Sahl will jump ship after all his hard work insatiably honing such a young, taught roster.

- Another potential candidate is Daniel Plainview. While widely regarded as one of the least player-friendly managers in the Junior League, Plainview would certainly provide the discipline and structure a young team like Equipe really needs in order to develop into a legitimate contender. Some question whether he isn't too brutal in his pursuit of excellence, perhaps too obsessed with success, but it is hard to argue with results. In the Junior Leagues, Plainview racked up an impressive record of achievement, virtually eliminating any real competition. Sources wonder if Plainview would bring his long time bench coach and confidant Anton Chigurh. Often referred to as the Fedallah to Plainview's Ahab, Chigurh inspires a mixture of fear and respect in the players he has coached. In fact, many former players refused to comment on their interactions with Chigurh in the past. Others were unreachable, having dropped out of the league and the public eye mysteriously.

- When asked about the possibility, team spokesman Curtis Granderson was excited, "Perhaps, a new GM would join my knitting circle...or help with the weekly bible studies. Grandma gets so tired running around cooking all the food. We could certainly use some help. I don't want to speak out of church, Lord forgive me, but that Messseyer Nils is a godless sonovabitch. Excuse me Jesus. It would be nice to have a godfearin, christian man running the ark." Other players were less enthusiastic. New Equiper, Troy Glaus expressed his reservations about Plainview. "I used to play for him back in winter ball sometime around my rookie year. I didn't have no trouble with him persay, but his boy, Antwan Chigger, or whatever, he was one weird dude. Used to just sit at the end of the bench and stare at you. One day, he just asked Eddie Murray to go for a walk with him. Never came back. Nobody asked about it or nothing. Didn't want to neither."

- Finally, is this LM GM Andrew Beaton getting assaulted in Maynard?