Tommy's Thoughts #11

"No Thoughts yet this week!" "When is Tommy posting his next column?"

The league has spoken, and two things are clear: you love the Thoughts, and you are way too demanding. That's cool, I have a super special weekend edition of the Thoughts coming straight atcha.

We begin with a tale from the road.

When my players are in trouble, I never hesitate to log some miles to give them a pep talk (or alternatively, tell them how shite they are before I summarily fire them). Last week, I decided to make an outing to Shea Stadium for the Sunday day game with multiple aims in mind. First, I needed to bolster the sanity of troubled outfielder Milton Bradley. Second, I had to make sure John Maine strengthened my position in K/BB, a critical cat in my duel with Bonomatory. And third, I had to do something about the Mets - their quagmire was killing the baseball spirit of too many GMs in our fair league, and action was necessary to save the summer.

I called LM owner Dick Beatonian and asked him if he was available to make a trip to NYC. "Fuck yeah," he said, and I grinned widely. I love having him along on road trips because he always pays for everything. Other than that, he's pretty much useless.

I then placed another call to Tuscon, Arizona. "Christopher Trotman Nixon, please - this is Tommy Lasorda on the line." I told the Midwestern-accented receptionist for the Sidewinders. Soon I heard a familiar North Carolinian voice on the other end. "Hey Tommy, I knew Jesus had big plans in store for me. I'll be thrilled to man the outfield for LM."

"Ha!" I involuntarily chortled. "Uh, actually, Trot, I have another plan in mind," I said. "Meet me at South Station in Boston on Saturday morning."

The appointed day and hour arrived and Amtrak whisked the three of us off to New York. I spent the day Saturday steadily drinking. Trot went to Times Square to get mementos for his kids. Beatonian managed to drag me along to the Museum of Modern Art (I brought a flask) but after I took one look at this painting called "The Menaced Assassin," I was scared shitless and had to repair to a house of ill repute to recover my senses. What the fuck is going on in that painting? Why do none of those guys have any expression on their faces? Aaaahhh! It should be renamed "Template for All My Future Nightmares." Eff you, Magritte.

The next day, we headed down to Shea a few hours before the game started. The first order of business led me and Trot to Omar Minaya's office. However, as we made our way to the inner sanctum, we found the way blocked by Mets first base coach Tom Nieto. "Get out of here, Tommy, you are nothing but trouble," said Nieto, sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. "That's right!!" I screamed "and now you pissed me off, Nieto!" He stood his ground and said, "What the hell is Trot Nixon doing here, stop meddling with our team Tommy!" "You think I'm going to let a guy who had a negative-54 OPS+ in 1988 tell me what to do?? Eat shit Nieto!!"

I shoved past him, dragging Trot behind me, and burst into Minaya's office to discover he was recieving head from Tony Bernazard. Although Trot screamed "Sodomites!!" and ran from the room, I was unfazed. "Listen up, I got a new right fielder for you." "Sorry, we only sign Latinos," said Bernazard as Omar pulled his pants up. "Fuck you, asshole," I said, "Trot Nixon gives you a solid bat, hustle and a quality clubhouse presence, and his whiteness will take some of the pressure off the four or five guys who are willing to talk to the press in English."

"Whatever," said Omar, clearly desirous of getting me out of his office so he could get back to it.

"I'm going to have you shake up your coaching staff too," I said, letting myself out, "But I'll get back to you on that."

Trot, having recovered from the shock of witnessing gaietude, headed down to the clubhouse to prepare for his Mets debut. I went over to the Rangers clubhouse to talk to Milton Bradley. He hadn't been right since he flipped out when he heard a Kansas City broadcaster talking shit. The stories I was hearing - an aborted attempt to charge the broadcast booth, pacing around the locker room while openly weeping and saying "I'm strong but I'm not that strong!" - called for immediate intervention.

When I found Milton he looked like a broken man, sitting front of his locker reading "The Notebook" with tears streaming down his face. I grabbed the book and hurled it across the room. "This is some bullshit!" I cried.

"B-but Tommy," Milton sobbed, "I just can't get a break. I'm just trying to play the game to make some money for my son."

"Stop talking like a bitch," I said. "What the hell happened to you? Get angry, Milton, get angry. What that KC douche said was effing nonsense. Why on earth are we all of a sudden nominating Josh Hamilton for sainthood?! He was a crack fiend - all you did was occasionally get pissed off. How is that comparable?!?! Plus it is just me, or it is a little early to crown this guy as a role model? Last I checked he still has a baby sitter around to make sure he doesn't relapse...like all it takes is one moment alone and he'll hit the pipe again! You might have a hair trigger, but at least it's related to your competitive fire, not your love of ghetto drugs!"

"Yeah, good point..." said Milton, wiping tears away.

"As far as I'm concerned, that KC asshole deserved to get thrashed. If it was me that met you in the hallway instead of the Texas GM, I'd have patted you on the ass and told you to go get 'im! Why the hell should you be criticized for keeping your head down and playing fantastic ball? You have to go around apologizing to all America for having some spirit and wanting to win? Seems to me the only reason why he praised Hamilton and slammed you is that one of you is black and one of you is white!"

"That's goddamned right!" shouted Milton, jumping from his seat. "White devils ALWAYS fucking with me!"

"Just like that umpire who baited you when you were on the Pads..."

"Motherfuckers!! I'll kill em all!!" screamed Milton.

My work was done.

I took my seats with Beatonian and we watched the game. I called Maine over for a brief chat. "Yo Johnny," I said, "Throw strikes or I'll peel your cap."

"Got it," he said. We understand each other like that.

Maine-iac on the mound

The game went well for LM. Maine got touched for some runs, but that was more the fault of terrible infield defense. Obviously Nieto was responsible for that. Johnny pounded the strike zone like he pounds skanks who mistake him for Eric Mabius.

The worthless Nieto

By the time he was pulled for a reliever, he'd tallied 5 K's against no beebs (including a nice swinging whiff of that crackhead Hamilton). That's when the trouble began for the Mets, as the bullpen coughed up several runs. Looking around in disgust, I quickly ascertained where the troubles lay.

"Look at Willie," I said to Beatonian. "He's just sitting there doing nothing. You know who I like? That Jerry Manuel. He straddles the dugout fence like a champ."

Manuel straddles

As hapless Rick Peterson went through reliever after reliever, Milton locked in and hit a blast to left. Beatonian and I cheered a great hurrah and were soon pelted by popcorn and peanuts from Mets fans who weren't going to allow that. I respect it. We sat down. The Mets were way behind.

Mets fans cheer when Beatonian finally sits down

However, they rallied in the 8th for three runs, led by who else - Trot Nixon, who scored the third run of the inning. Into the ninth and all seemed lost as CJ Wilson came out to close it out. I felt otherwise. "This guy smells," I told Beatonian. "DLBP only beat us 'cause he benched him." Another barrage of Met walks and hits began. Nixon came up and reached base again, coming around to 2nd representing the tying run. Then Damion Easley flew out to left, ending the game. Wah wah.

Trot: Reporting for duty

I headed back to LM headquarters to oversee the close of our efforts against Bonomatory, but before I left I wrote a strongly worded memo to Omar urging him to dump Willie, Peterson and that fuck Nieto and put Manuel in charge. I'll leave it up to you to decide how much influence my words wielded. Hint: a lot.

LAST WEEK'S GAME

While it's true that Bonoma blew up half his roster in disgust after this matchup concluded, as LM narrowed a strong 5-point deficit to one point thanks to the roll-out-your-pitchers-with-confidence philosophy cribbed from PMF, you have to respect the job Bonomatory Influence did in this contest. He laid down 2 CGs but still got left with only a tie in that category! It was a miracle that this wasn't a total rout!

Here are the heroes in Bonomatory's upset win over LM:

(1) JD Drew. What did I tell you fools? 9 runs, 7 hits, 3 doubles, 1 triple, 3 dongs, 6 RBI, .350/1.550 - that sweet swing had to start connecting sometime. Don't look up how much he is getting paid in LOWV, you will want to cry. While his MLB contract is still absurd, his LOWV deal is a tasty bargain. Just more proof that we are 1000x better GMs than anyone working in the bigs.

(2) Carlos Lee. OK, I didn't see this coming, despite his pedigree. 5 runs, 9 hits, 4 doubles, 2 dongs, 5 RBI, 1 swiped bag, .429/1.405 - need I say more?

(3) Braden Frigging Looper? Throws a CG SO at Great American Ballpark? Did this really happen or was it just a Magritte-inspired nightmare?

(4) Ryan Dempster - I still have a hard time buying this guy as a legit stud starter, but there is no arguing with his genius 11-K CG with no beebs and a .44 WHIP! A two run dong was basically an aberration. No shame in the occasional HR when you are going after hitters like that.

Here are the dogs that allowed a top-ranked team to choke against the spelunker of the lowest cavern:

(1) The outfield. Other than Milton's dong, which I had to personally show up to inspire from him, these guys were crap. Victorino stole nary a bag. Crawford sat out the weekend with a suspension. Wells was weak. Juan Pierre was weaker - .455 OPS sucks even for his limp noodle of a bat!

(2) Jose Contreras - should I really be surprised at how bad his numbers were? And here I thought he'd reinvented himself. Also, due to woeful run support, he got tagged with two losses.

(3) Chipper - I hate to say it, since he's kicked so much ass for us this year, but he stunk this week.

(4) Okajima - every good reliever has his bad weeks, but this was a smelly one indeed.

WEEK 12 RECAP

Another competitive week in the LOWV. The headline was definitely Bonoma's defeat of LM, and one could argue that our contest was the Game of the Week. I'm going to go instead with FC vs. BB, a very tight 10-8 victory for the defecating ones. The vaunted FC offense fell a bit short this week, with Encarnacion and Aub Huff pacing the Belt to a satisfying 6-5 edge in hitting cats. But FC's record 88 whiffs and 2.39/1.09/4.00 pitching mastery led him to the win this week. True, he slid to 3rd in the overall standings, but this was a key victory for Nachtmarz et al. The Jaybird's in a slump, so some of his fellow honkies will have to step it up. Or perhaps the team could get even whiter. Introducing...Jeff Clement!

BB's offense is in a groove, and CC Sabathia couldn't be nastier on the mound. Don't look now, but here comes Schmentz. He contacted this week to tell me to "suck on a lemon" for my comments about his female-inspired move to Spain, and assured me that the Belt was not going to let up in 2008. Although he's fourteen and a half games out of the last playoff spot at the moment, we should all be warily eying his squadron as they begin to creep up the standings.

Just as PMF announced his desire to "bed down" on the playoff bubble, he was attacked in his sleep by Vicious Rumors and slaughtered to the tune of 13-6. It's just like the league's only GM of Injun descent (my blood purity advisors tell me he is part Mi'kmaq) to brutalize a GM in the dark of night at his undefended settlement. Vladimir Guerrero (7 runs, 11 hits, 2 HR, .500/1.385) was spotted waving a bloody scalp on a flight back to LA after the assault. The element of surprise doesn't explain everything though. If you'd told me going into this week that one of these teams would see its pitching staff go 7-1 with 63 whiffs and 2.33/1.04/3.50 peripherals, I'd have said "Damn, poor VR."

Flash vs. Mothership - an unexpected smackdown for the lords of Brooklyn. Afterwards, Mike Jones was spotted singing TLC to himself, but if we're going with 90s hip hop hits, I'd have chosen Sisqo; he won with the help of that Thome-tha-Thome-Thome-Thome (.444/1.434). Frankly, though, this was a team effort, as many of the counting stats proved the difference for the Ship this week. However, Flash's offense has stabilized and become a lot more consistent, despite a rash of unfortunate injuries. This is one of the few teams that can lose a player of Albert Pujols' stature and remain in the mix. As for Travis Hafner, it might be time to put an end to Project Donkey. Just put him down already.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. A veteran of many Protestant faiths, Major Beans must have heard that one before. Surely, then, he was unsurprised when former roommate Chip Mitchell blasted his squad just as he recently blasted FC out of the top spot. Thanks to P the B and the young uns (Mrs. Tony Parker, Jupton), and pitching stats just mediocre enough to win the categories, unBeleaguerable won this one going away, 14-3. This is the kind of result that the teams positioned for the playoffs LOVE to see: a 13th place team beating the shit out of a 9th place team...

A hideous game took place between two otherwise good teams when DLBP met ERdR. Forever joined by their four-letter team acronyms and the legendary Kazmir/Soriano trade, these teams had another thing in common last week, shit stats. At least this one had the benefit of being very competitive - several categories were close indeed. In the end, however, the ERdR bargain-priced outfield proved the difference, with Ben Francisco, Delmon Young and Carlos Quentin leading the way. ERDR taking down DLBP in this fashion with very little contribution from Granderson is startling. It's like he fought this one with one hand tied behind his back. Kudos to ERDR for deft use of free agency to keep his team in the conversation.

For the better part of the last two years I'd have given my left nut for Alex Rios at $3, but he blows this year at any price...

The team with no offensive bench, El Guapo, was run out of the building by Lacey Underalls. I can't understand the way Guapo runs his offense. Mark Ellis delivers 6 hits, 11 runs, 4 doubles, .440/1.081 and gets cut when the week is over. How does that happen? Did he insult your good name in some filthy Oaktown bar? But for three fewer Ks, Guapo would have lost every single offensive stat. Lacey brought his A-game, so it wasn't quite as shameful as it sounds, but still, that really shouldn't happen. Guapo's pitchers did deliver a stellar 7-1 record, so the week wasn't a complete loss. But Lacey looked good this week and moved up into 2nd with the win...last year he assumed the lead in midseason and held on to it, so we'll see if he can take command again in the next couple of weeks. Obviously I will do my best to prevent this, don't worry, guys.

WEEKEND PREVIEW

Since I was so much delayed in releasing this edition, it seems only fair to look ahead to the weekend and give you a viewer's guide to the matchups...

LM is deadlocked with the Flash in a contest that will assuredly get ugly. His pitching has been cruddy, my hitting has been cruddy. When I heard Carl Crawford hit a grand slam, I wanted to jump for joy. Then I realized he hit it off of LM teammate Carlos Marmol. Brandon Lyon and Chris Perez had a who-sucks-more contest that ended when Perez was jettisoned this morning. Flash has gone public with his disgust for Ian Snell, and indeed his pitching line sits at a shameful 7.11/1.89/1.00. Mine is not much better, though. This game will turn on who can get his team to hit over the weekend, and frankly I think it's a toss up at this point. A miracle CG SO would obviously swing the game. If Chase Utley isn't going to get a hit this week, the least he can do is give Cole Hamels the evil eye.

The marquee FC vs. LU matchup is playing out just as you'd expect - Clatter with the edge in hitting, Lacey with the edge in pitching. Matt Cain and Todd Lilly hope to turn the tide for FC, while Miggy Cabrera hopes to jack a few dongs...in San Diego...okay that's not happening. Live by the Petco, die by the Petco. Edinson Volquez vs. the Yankees will be an interesting matchup tonight. If the Bombers can run their winning streak to 8 with a dongfest, this matchup could get even closer than it is. I like FC's chances to narrow the gap a bit...although obviously this would serve my interests, so you can take my analysis with a grain of salt.

Pitching for Detroit tonight: Eddie Bonine. Man, I hope this is pronounced Boh-nine. Like somebody used a laboratory to combine the DNA of Jeff Conine and the essence of boning. I'm looking at you, Snatty.

DLBP/PMF is another unbalanced contest, with the West Coasters dominating on offense and the East Coasters back in their usual pitching groove. However, DLBP needs to make sure he hangs onto his offensive edge, as many PMFers have been decidedly underperforming so far this week and the team is still within striking distance. DLBP hung tough without Jimmy Rollins, but he is much more formidable with his SS back in the fold. J-Roll began the week by blasting Bart Colon's 2nd pitch into the seats and hasn't stopped from there. As for PMF's pitching edge, he's assembled a nice lead but he needs the usual magic from Harden, Halladay and Bedard to nail it down. Sounds feasible...

unB demonstrated his knowledge of "Balencian" accents although I'm not sure I welcome his implication that living there will make BB effeminate. I am now realizing, however, that BB needs to work a trade with Snatty for prospect Wladimir Balentien for this very purpose - Balentien in Balencia. BB's offense continues to crank everything, but his staff has to throw 17 innings in three days on only three starts to make the minimum. Better hope Ubald and Bburn bring their best stuff. unB's lowest-paid pitchers, Guthrie and Floyd, looked good this week, and he's about to go over the minimum with some nice pitching numbers. Hit some dongs and keep K's down and unB could steal this one.

The Bostonians-Gone-West matchup of the week is BI vs. VR, a currently close contest that is almost impossible to call due to the underachieving nature of these teams. Bartolo Colon was absolutely murdered by Ryan Howard this week - just when it looked like my weeks of VR-abuse were going to blow up in my face, the trusty Howard made me look like a genius. Love that guy. BI's thorough house-cleaning seems to have resulted in a rejuvenated team, but he's falling just short in many categories. Can a team that's become known for its weekend fades turn things around this time?

Check out Mothership's pitching numbers through 32 and a third innings: 2-0, 1 HR, 32 Ks, 1.11/1.11/2.91. Pretty dank. Joba is looking better and better with each start, but don't forget about guys like Andrew Miller and tonight's Dodger starter Clayton Kershaw. Pretty awesome young staff, although the Ship has to be disappointed in the suckage that is Nick Adenhart (optioned back to the Junior League). Guapo has gotten a typically nice contribution from A-Rod, and the hitting numbers that were fruitless against Lacey are good enough to take several cats from the Ship. I think this one is going to be damned close, but Ship has got to get some dingers if he wants a victory.

Finally, we have the Muumuu Match (that's how it's actually spelled, you retards, unless you want to get all Hawaiian and start sticking a bunch of apostrophes in there) between Snatty and ERDR. I thought my stats so far this week were bad until I looked at Equipe's numbers through this morning. They are D. L. Uuuuuugly. .197 BA, .655 OPS, 8.31 ERA?! That's not the Equipe I know. Maybe it's time to put Jacoby and Grandy back in the starting lineup. Snatty should have a giant "Powered by Ervin Santana" sticker on him at all times - but his hurlers are all rolling out tonight and his lead will depend on good performances across the board. If this score is still a strong Snatty advantage tomorrow morning, Equipe should start planning for Week 13 already.

Also - I expect you guys to honor your muumuu challenge.

NEXT WEEK

Tommy's Thoughts returns to its normal form, with the latest rumors from around the league, dark farm nuggets, penises and geniuses, etc. etc.