Tommy's Thoughts #8

What's your excuse? Spent your Memorial Day weekend building habitats for the prairie dog, you hippie fuck? Too busy giving foot massages to the castrating skank you call your woman? Working the phones to persuade a superdelegate to support that America-hating socialist O-Bambi or worse, the evil witch Clinton? Or trying to circumvent the LOWV rules by flying to Japan for a secret negotiation seshwan with Yu Darvish?

Quite frankly, if you haven't gotten around to listening to the latest Shortpants, not only do I not want to hear your excuse, I don't even want to know you.

This wasn't just possibly the best episode yet, it was also a thousand times better than most of the radio shows that are actually broadcast using radio waves. The nineteen-minute opening segment, in which Michael Jones rants about the Mets, and Willie Randolph in particular, evinces absolute mastery of the medium. The way in which the Mikeman unfolds his accusations of malfeasance against Willie along with the painful spilling of his hurt Mets-fan-feelings is truly a thing of genius. Mike's verbal daggers draw more blood than a virulent blogger could ever hope for, but his venom is tempered by a true sense of betrayal and love for his adopted team. When he says "I'm pissed, Chris!" the listener truly believes that it's so. Madman's interjections are perfectly timed and wisely circumspect - and one of the show's highlights is when the host and producer trade punchlines about when things just aren't going your way and, for example, "the dookie isn't coming out right."

Add to this potent brew a heady mixture of Keanu anecdote and you have yourself a truly awesome Shortpants. Fantastic work boys, we are all the beneficiaries of your hard work - I know an opening rant like that doesn't prepare itself - and I look forward to more episodes of this superb caliber!

Although I have to say, I saw Street Kings (and I was fired up for it, lots of great actors in that cast) and it was a REALLY bad movie, but hilariously bad. For you Battle Dome fans, it's worth the price of admission just to see the former T-Money (Terry Crews) in a dramatic role!

LAST WEEK'S GAME

Despite the best efforts of Carlos Guillen, Rickie Weeks, Jered Weaver and Mrs. Tony Parker, unBeleaguerable was convincingly defeated by the Manicotti by a score of 12-6. Unfortunately, the fine efforts of these gentlemen were marred by a staff-wide K/BB poopfest, a profound lack of doubles and triples, a pitching record of 1-7 and an untimely injury to potentially key FA pickup Jayson Werth. unB GM Chip Mitchell made some canny moves, like ignoring the day/night splits and benching B. Bannister against the Red Sox (he got shellacked). When a team with a winning percentage of below .400 meets a team with a winning percentage of above .600, the outcome isn't usually in great doubt - but in the LOWV, it's foolhardy to overlook any opponent.

Therefore, I gathered the team together at the start of the week and informed them that since I would be on a three-day drunk over Mem. Day weekend, it was important that everyone knew their roles in advance. "Infielders - swing for the fences. Giambi, pass that thong around to those who need it...oh, Howard's magnificent baby arm tore a hole in it? Tell some fucking clubby to go out and buy a case of those things! Outfielders - get hits, swipe bags and score runs. Milton, I expect you to pace everyone and if you don't I'm trading you to one of those tree hugger teams who hate conflict in the LOWV, and you'll sit on the bench forevermore. SPs - step up when you are called on! Verlander, if you can't dominate the motherfucking Doublemint Twins, with God as my witness I will blow a load on your firstborn daughter. Bullpen - keep doin' what you're doin'. Oh, except you, Aquilino."

"Que?" asked a puzzled Aquilino Lopez.

"Get the fuck out of here!!!!" I screamed in a sudden and irrational red-faced rage, of the sort that I'm prone to fly into. Aquilino was quickly hustled out by Coach Fernando. I then gestured grandiloquently to the door and said "Gentlemen, let me introduce you to your new teammate, known in Latin America as 'Ciento y Mas,' Mr. Chris Perez!"

"You mean the Chris Perez that was married to Selena???" asked Carlos Marmol excitedly.

"No," I said, "and you're a fag just for asking that."

Following this genius pep talk, we rolled unB by one point more than we'd sought to. Damn, I am an awesome manager. But I gotta say, great game to unB - this was closer than the score indicated. He also bested me in the smack talk arena. I thought my song parody had him beat, but then I received this text message:

"Your sister just called to say that if and when you win she will give me a lap dance for consolation but if I win she gets one from me."

I contacted Chad's sister to propose a similar arrangement, but my awkward proposal was met by hysterical laughter and then she hung up on me...

WEEK EIGHT RECAP

Elsewhere around the league, the standings continued to shake out. After last week's results, there are now 7 "haves" and 7 "have nots." This is not only shown by the league standings but by the genius tabulations of Bluster Foney's Roto-Rankings. The Haves - FC, LM, LU, ERdR, DLBP, PMF and Flash - are all within 15.5 games of first. After a terrifying 10 game drop off, you can find the rest of the league squabbling in the basement. If this situation holds, there will be one VERY sad team that just misses the 'yoffs. However, if one or more teams ascends the cliff to join the playoff hunt - BB, for example - the battle for sixth could get even more fierce. Memories of jumping around my clubhouse like a madman and screaming at StatTracker with every pitch on the last day of the 2007 regular season is washing over me like a bad acid flashback. I need to move on.

Fecal Clatter made a genius pickup of Jesse Litsch to neutralize VR's long-dreamed-of great start from Jon Lester, and by so doing takes over first place by himself. I really admire the recent in-game management of FC - he made a series of moves in Week 7 that put me on the defensive, and he isn't afraid to admit when he made a mistake, like his drop of Matt Garza. Although the Clatter is known for its exhaustive pre-auction preparations, building most of its roster before the season begins, crucial adjustments week-to-week are a big part of the team's success thus far. It's just a shame that its owner will have to be killed once a new Red Scare begins and we start wiping out all those who work in furtherance of Communist regimes...

VR's week started out so promisingly and then collapsed in a flurry of terrible starts. When you have one of your SPs throw a no-hitter and you only end up winning HR - that's tragic.

Conversely, Lacey had magnificent pitching stats in a VERY impressive win over upstart DLBP. Just as the boo-birds and doubters were beginning to peek their heads out from hiding, the Underalls soundly thrashed a quality opponent to regain their footing. On the flip, the Pies have watched their offense stall while Manny struggles on his quest for 500 dongs. When facing an opponent known for pitching genius, you HAVE to hit, and DLBP didn't. Thus, just as many were anointing him the next powerhouse in the league, he slips a spot in the rankings. I know the feeling, homes.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why The Flash has such an inconsistent OPS. With the bats in his lineup it should be solid, but it waxes and wanes with each passing week...

The "Battle of Brooklyn" between Mothership and Equipe ended in a very close victory for the Ship. ERdR got soundly trounced in the pitching cats, and Mikeman's nice pickup of Andrew Miller paid off big time. Also, Josh Hamilton is a beast's beast. After his win, Mike was heard to say "Neil? He's awe-ite. But he's been in Brooklyn what, five minutes? Come try me when you've at least gotten your dick wet in the borough. Thanks for Hamilton, though." (Warning: Quotations may be fictional.)

I like Guapo's FA pickups, but his staff has too many sketchy pitchers for my liking...

A balanced attack from Banana Belt carries the day and puts him in position to move up the standings. Aaron Laffey is killing me softly with his song and his 88 mph tosses. The Belt never stops trying to improve, and that's been one of the keys to his success. Can't say the same at the moment for his vanquished opponent . Snatty's NINE roster moves all season is convincing evidence that he has no real desire to regain playoff status. Hate to say it.

PMF won ugly, despite mediocre pitching numbers and a struggling offense - but the LOWV isn't about style points, it's about the bottom line. Fart's starters are looking glorious, but I dunno about that pen. The inevitable Mark Reynolds swoon coincides with the return of Chad Tracy spelling a decrease in PT for one of the team's few legit hitters so far - this is why I cut Marky Mark in the offseason, though I still like that auction pickup for PMF. However, just when Andy LaRoche should be riding to the rescue...he's stuck playing for the Las Vegas 51s.

To give you my take on Bonomatory Influence, I need but one word: flaccid.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

There's been a lot of grousing over the LOWV's most annoying new trend - picking up a guy as an FA and then immediately offering him around as part of a trade. Seriously, guys? I am eager to see how Chase Headley fares in the bigs, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to give you a quality player for him - if I'd wanted I could have had him for $1 at the auction. I wish I had snagged the resurgent Cla Meredith, but not badly enough that I'm going to give up one of my awesome minor leaguers just so you can wash your hands of the Schafer debacle. At least hang onto these guys for a few weeks, and let them make their names in the LOWV, before you start acting like they have trade value...

As one GM told me, "Putting dudes you just picked up on the trade block is pretty lame. If I've learned anything, it's pointless to try and trade the last 5 guys on your bench. I wouldn't take anyone else's - why should I think they want mine? It's pretty tough to move anyone from the bottom half of a roster."

Along these lines, I've taken the obnoxious "Seeking GIDP" from my trade block and added some quality players - overperforming and underperforming alike - for your consideration. Although the trade market has been VERY quiet, LM is always looking for a deal that both teams can be happy about. You may know me from such all-around successes as "Utley for Papelbon and Beej Upton," "Erv Santana for Schilling," and "Chipper for Ad. Jones, Okernok and Heath-er." Holla at me, fellas!

BART WATCH

A pretty nice outing for Bartolo Colon against the lowly Mariners - definitely an improvement on his first start, which was fine by MLB standards but subpar by LOWV standards. He featured mostly heaters, but began to mix in his slider as the game went on. (Some people think he threw one changeup as well.) My favorite stat from this game was that Colon got out every batter he got 2 strikes on. Here's a detailed report card on Colon's performance.

None of this changes my original contention that VR was dumb to wait two months for this guy while he took up a very useful roster spot, but at least it seems to be paying off now.

RECOMMENDED READING

Former MLBer Doug Glanville wrote an awesome op/ed for the NYT recently in which he discussed the fact that baseball players really have very little interest in fighting one another, even when they gather for a giant pigpile on the mound...

"The year that my team got into those four fights, minor league officials wanted to crack down, so they instituted a strict fine system with suspensions for anyone who left the bench to join in. This put quite a damper on the retaliation protocol, to the point where when one of my teammates charged the mound after being hit by a pitch, he stopped halfway and started scolding the pitcher. That was a first: intimidation by lecture.

Since in the minor leagues most players are living paycheck to paycheck, the new fine system worked like a charm. During that same on-field berating, I looked into our dugout from its midst and noticed that one of my teammates, Mike Carter, was breaking yet another unwritten rule by not joining his teammates in the rumble on the field. To raise his violation status from plain wrong to egregious, he was the only one who did not join his teammates. I asked him about this later. “Mike Carter has to pay his bills,” he replied.

The irony of these on-field altercations is that the fans are often much more likely to engage in a real fight than the players. When they fight in the stands to defend their teams (or for other reasons), they often go for the knock-out. Players just go to send the message, “We will not be intimidated!” while whispering, “Watch my right arm, I need that.”

There's more good stuff, including a tale of a Paul Byrd/Eddie Perez "brawl" that was a lot closer to a "kiss each other!" moment - and a quote from one "Richie Sexton." Unless the majors now features a Ton of Sex along with a Son of Sex, I'm guessing Commissioner Chris "Todd Lilly" Sahl is moonlighting as a NYT proofreader.

Not-recommended reading: this story about how Joe Nathan cried when they told him he couldn't be a shortstop any more. No more stories like this. LaVelle Neal is to LM as John Tomase is to the Patriots.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

Last week's penis: Rafael Furcal, for faking me out with a supposed Friday return that never materialized, and then turned into another week on the DL. Man up and get back in there!

Last week's genius: Shane Victorino, in danger of losing playing time after returning from injury, exploded last week: 6 R, 13 H, 1 HR, 2 SB, .394 / 1.004. Thank God the Hawaiian is flyin' again, because for a while there I had half a mind to send him out to Japan to play for Bobby Valentine along with his ex Benny Agbayani...

THIS WEEK'S HATED ENEMY

Oh I Wandy Wandy who, whoooooooooa who. Wandy Rodriguez sucks!

I actually am having a hard time mustering my usual invective while pondering my matchup with Equipe. Part of it is that I needed several days to sober up from a truly drunken weekend, and now the showdown is more than imminent. Part of it is that I appreciate his contributions to this column - by doing things that it's really easy to be critical of, by inspiring great blowback from the Shortpants crew, and by his willingness to trash his fellow GMs in anonymous quotes. And part of it is that his 2008 management turned a team that many people thought was circling the drain into a serious title contender by making great FA pickups, strategizing well and deploying the weapons accumulated during the fallow months of his team's terrible 2007. Not to mention the fact that his power rankings rule.

BUT let's not start sucking each other's dicks here. There are a lot of things that piss me off about this team too, and I intend to channel all of my anger into a lightsaber of destruction that will wipe out ERdR in Week 9. Repeated slights against my closers will not be forgotten. Insulting attempts to acquire Marmol will be looked back upon in anger. The suggestion that Curtis Granderson is better than Carl Crawford for less than 8% of the price will be rudely disproven (right Carl? Right??? Are you there Carl?). And Soriano's awkward movements offend my sense of grace and must be capitalized upon!

I believe the winner will be determined by the performance of my pitching staff this weekend. Good luck, Plainview. As an Italian-American even fatter and more pompous than me once quoth, "I don't need luck....you do."

ENDQUOTE

"You're either gonna be like 'Oh!', or you're gonna be like '...oh.'"

-Keanu Reeves on the two possible reactions to Street Kings