ROTO-RANKINGS WEEK 8

THE TITS
1.) LASORDA'S MANICOTTI (2nd Place/6th SOS/118H/122P = 262)
Well, well, well. It finally happened. Somebody managed to knock the king off his throne. For what feels like the first time all season, we have a new #1. Huzzah! We can’t say LM did it in the most decisive manner this weekend, but stealing six offensive categories from the vaunted FC juggernaut on route to a last second draw is worthy of a sincere tip of the cap.

SLOPPY SECONDS
2.) THE LACEY UNDERALLS (3rd Place/ 4th SOS/102H/121P = 246)
What was the cause of LU’s downfall? An overextension of resources over too vast a roster? An overreliance on mercenaries and foreign-born players? The erosion of common morals and values within the team? Lead poisoning from the piping used in the plumbing of the team’s locker room? Only historians will know the answer to this question, however we believe it was probably just a case of bad luck. However, injuries to Peavy and the steady rise of LU’s team ERA are certainly cause for concern. Also of concern is the hoarde of Visigoths, known as DLBP , who are primed to sack the imperial city.

3.) FECAL CLATTER (1st Place/7th SOS/130H/89P = 241)
We know FC is top of the pops right now, but we’re just not comfortable placing such an imbalanced team much higher than third right now. While there is no doubt that this is one of the most powerful and potent offenses LOWV has ever seen, we are still quite concerned about a pitching staff that notched five losses and a 5.17 ERA last week. Of particular note, just about every member of the FC bullpen shat the proverbial bed last week.

HEAVY PETTING
4.) EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU (5th Place/9th SOS/88H/127P = 231)
Alfonso Mutherfuckin’ Soriano. The same pattern seems to repeat itself every season and yet, we always have our minds blown: a .165 BA in March and April, then four weeks on the DL, then a hot streak so incredible it leaves the rest of the league looking like it peeked inside the Arc of the Covenant. Simply put, The Fonz is back! Six homers and 13 RBIs all by his lonesome – that’s almost better than DLBP’s whole roster put up combined. And that’s not all, the offense simply exploded, putting up FC-quality numbers across the board: 80 hits, 21 doubles, .315AVG and an .897OPS. Best of all, the froglegs tied the LOWV record with 51 RBIs in a week! We wish we could say that all the news was positive, but unfortunately, ERdR suffered two key injuries to its pitching staff: Buchholz and Casilla. Both should be back relatively soon, but it’ll be interesting to see how the league’s best pitching staff deals without two key members.

5.) THE FLASH (6th Place/2nd SOS/108H/92P = 222)
All we can really do is tip our cap to The Flash. N’er have we seen a team put up a 75H, 42R, 16 2Bs, 10HR, 34RBI .301BA, .852 OPS week and lose the offensive cats by a score of 7-3. However, while those numbers are very impressive, had they been the only bright spot, Flash would have suffered a very depressing loss to rival, ERdR. Fortunately, Flash managed to put up TWO CG-SHOs in a single week on route to seizing a 7-3 victory in the pitching cats. Not only that, but he managed to squeeze an incredible ten saves out of his bullpen, including a mind-boggling four out of Valverde and Ryan each!

WET DREAMS
6.) D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES (4th Place/13th SOS/93H/105P = 211)
More anemic than the Smith College Vegan Society, DLBP’s offense put up some astonishingly hollow numbers. We know its working and all, as DLBP absolutely dominates the “get on base stats” -- bear witness to the 90 hit, .349 AVG and 27 strikeout performance last week -- however, the team only managed to muscle a single dinger and 23 RBIs. Also, while that .875 OPS was solid, it would be a hell of a lot higher if there was any pop in those bats. As for his arms…we love them. Kazmir is back. Vazquez looked solid. Jair Jurjens continues to impress. But, we left our heart in Timmy Lincecum.

7.) POOR MAN'S FART (7th Place/10th SOS/100H/85P = 198)
Just as we imagined, PMF is getting it done against the lighter schedule. The best part is that his offense has finally kicked it into high gear. Last week against BI, PMF put up a sizzling 33 runs, 69 hits and a .299 AVG. While the power numbers are still a bit low, we’re impressed that he managed to pull out such a decisive victory without even playing a catcher! Also, we are confident those power numbers are only a matter of weeks away as his younger players get more and more comfortable with big league pitching. The pitching numbers were a little less than exciting, but considering neither Lackey nor Halladay notched an inning for PMF, we weren’t too surprised. On the flip side, it was great to see Rich Harden return with authority.

PEEPING TOMS
8.) THE BANANA BELT (10th Place/8th SOS/87H/80P = 179)
Don’t look now, but he’s back. We have been one of the biggest haters around, and it would be easy to take a dump on him after that beatdown last week….but those rotisserie stats are really turning around and we can’t dispute them any longer. First, tBB’s offensive numbers were solid last week and would have been winners against most of the teams not named DLBP. Second, dude has four pitchers inactive and still is putting up competitive numbers. That’s twilight zone crazy shit. Oh, and we’re sorry we ever said anything bad about CC, could you be sure you tell him that, Rick? Seriously, he looks fierce.

9.) THE MOTHERSHIP (8th Place/11th SOS/78H/83P = 171)
Mothership slips in the rankings despite pulling out a win…we know this is going to cause consternation on Shortpants. To put it bluntly, Mothership stayed late at the homecoming party, left with the biggest slut in the class and only managed to get an awkward tug job by the railroad tracks. Sure, Mothership got its rocks off with an 11-9 win, but it should have been guts deep in that New Orleans strange.

CLOSET CASES
10.) EL GUAPO (11th Place/11th SOS/49H/92P = 149)
This team is painful to watch without Chone Figgins and Alex Rodriguez. We’ll just hope that when these two superstars return, El Guap’s offense will return. At least his starters put up a decent week, not awesome, not great, but decent. Which is pretty much how we feel about his bullpen too. Somehow, for the second week in a row, they shocked us by putting up seven saves. Maybe we should stop hating….On a serious note, congrats on graduating from law school, Guap.

11.) SNATURALS (9th Place/14th SOS/67H/69P = 143)
Big Papi is back, officially. A great big power explosion helped the Snatmaster take out El Guapo. We’re not happy with the low AVG and OPS, but that’s what happens when you walk the way of the Dunn. We aren’t even touching the pitching staff though. Ugggg.

DUNGEON MASTERS
12.) VICIOUS RUMORS (12th Place/1st SOS/54H/59P = 130)
Biggest upset of the week! Good lord, VR, where has that been all season? Well, to be fair, VR pulled it off with a balanced attack he has shown for a couple weeks now. Truth be told is that VR has been getting some solid returns off his patient approach to his roster. He’s let some players work themselves out of some serious slumps and the investments are starting to pay off. Now, he still is having trouble in the outfield and his pitching is still a bit too inconsistent week to week, but last week his staff was just solid enough to allow his offense to steal the week by slap hitting his way to victory. Our hats are off to you VR.

13.) BONOMATORY INFLUENCE (13th Place/3rd SOS/41H/66P = 121)
Decent numbers out of BI, but the pharaoh fell short. When does BI start thinking about next year? We don’t want to be a downer, but we were right about where BI is now last year and we know that it doesn’t get much better. Now might be a good time to start evaluating the talent and fishing for younger talent. Good bait on the BI, too: Drew, Ordonez, Hudson, etc. Also, one of the recent bright spots is Ryan Freakin Dempster…wow. If we were the BI we’d be trying to move that guy after last week.

FAILURE TO LAUNCH
14.) UNBELEAGUERABLE (14th Place/5th SOS/60H/477P = 118)
Hopefully unBeleaguerable was so buried in finals preparation he didn’t get to watch his team fall to Mothership last week. On the serious tip though, we love how unB has embraced the future and is clearly building for 2009 and beyond. His commitment to the youth movement the last couple years is really starting to pay dividends as Soto, Longoria, Butler and Upton all look like they are going to be legitimate studs for years to come. That team is going to be scary good, sooner rather than later.