Tommy's Thoughts #5

Did I say Wednesday? Naah, I meant Thursday. Silence, critics! You'll take what I give you and like it, whenever I get around to it!

So, the column is late this week because I spent the past few days at a solid waste conference, where I was feted for my genius and invited to speak a few words. With an Albany stripper on each arm and a few globs of horseradish mayo on my lower lip, I shared with the beefy garbagemasters my insights into life, love and the LOWV.

It was a tough call to take so much time away from LM - I was mostly away from the internet for the end of my matchup with tBB and the beginning of my matchup with Lacey. When they asked me to attend last year, I balked - I had to face the defending champ and felt I needed to keep all my attention on the team. But one thick-necked gentleman assured me that I had nothing to worry about.

"We got connections in Jersey," he said. "Trust me, this Kentz will be no problem to you. We'll grease a few palms here, threaten a few moms there, next thing you know, guaranteed win. That mulignan Sabathia would sell his firstborn up the river for a night with our finest hookers!"

What can I say? Two straight years of these made men scaring tBB's pitchers half to death, two straight years of minimum IP failures for the Belt. I will definitely be attending this conference again next year!

LAST WEEK

If not for BB's failure to meet the IP minimum, we still would have triumphed 11-7. Offensive totals were pretty much a draw - 6-5 LM - symbolized by the battle royale between shortstops: Jose Reyes sparkled (4 R, 8 H, 1 2B, 3 3B !!!!, 4 SB, .444, 1.393) but plucky Rafael Furcal managed to mitigate the damage (11 R, 11 H, 2 2B, 1 HR, .393, 1.023). After I properly debunked the myths inherent in Schmentz's demands for Edwin-revenge in last week's Thoughts, Encarnacion cooled off and the continually amazing Chipper was clearly the better 3B in the contest.

Pitching-wise, I dominated even before the IP blunder handed me all the cats, leading 5-2. CC Saba's failure to launch helped offset the mediocre performances of some of my starters. Thanks, NY Federation!

One last thing: My big mouth really got me in trouble with regard to Aquilino Lopez. I plucked this potential holdsman from the wreckage of the Detroit bullpen and he was genius for me for a few weeks. I held my tongue for a while, knowing that his run could end at any time. But last Friday, while out on a drunken bender with Major James Beans, I blurted out that I had found the one jewel in the Comerica dung heap. Later that night, Aquilino surrendered 4 ER in one third of an inning.

I send my regards to the master of BB, currently touring the land of plenty: eastern Spain...

THIS WEEK

Speaking of Major Beans, he can certify that I predicted the unnecessary whining of Mama Jams after tBB failed to make the innings minimum, just a few minutes before it happened. Only the league's most pompous GM would take a blunder that did not affect his team at all as a personal slight. When tBB did the same thing against FC a few years ago, I thought it was hilarious. Basically, unless I finish 6th this season and Lacey finishes 7th, by the margin granted me by Ricky's mistake, last week's outcome won't set LU back in any way, shape or form. As he looks to be cruising to another regular season title - I'm man enough to admit that his team rules - he still is griping about things that are none of his concern.

It's ironic, because team owner N. Lombardicus is truly a Hall of Fame-caliber individual, the finest party-weekend-expense-spreadsheeter on Earth, and a pal I would immediately rally to in a time of need, such as when he forms a posse to throw assholes out of his house for playing his drum kit. But when it comes to fantasy baseball, he has a unique talent at inspiring annoyance in the LM offices. Now, in seeking to be objective, I considered the fact that perhaps I'm just bitter at getting beat by him three times last year, including a brutal 1-hit beat in the playoffs. Perhaps I am just mad that his team is apparently better than mine. And let's not even talk about the ongoing Rich Hill debacle. Perhaps his truth-telling is just too much for me to take. Am I being unfair to Lacey?

To answer this question, I polled a number of league GMs on the following query: Is LU a genius in our midst, or an insufferable jerk? The GMs I talked to included founding members of the league and relative newcomers; title contenders and basement dwellers; friends of Mama and those who barely know her.

Their response was overwhelmingly harsh.

The most charitable comment came from one GM who said, "Let's just say I'm glad it's BB with the dynasty. The choice between an inscrutable genius and a pompous one is a no-brainer." This pretty much skewers the "jealousy" argument, since tBB has a much more positive image leaguewide, despite winning title after title.

I hear through the grapevine that some bitterness remains in some quarters over comments Lacey made last summer, to the effect that if the league became more about friendship than competition, he would quit. Seems like a weird statement to make, since the LOWV has always been based on bonds of mutual affection between owners, and not simply an assemblage of the most hard core fantasy gurus.

One GM put it simply, dubbing Lacey "Clemens of the league," no doubt alluding to his penchant for teen tail and core strengthening. A more voluble GM commented, "Mama Jams is the Idi Amin of the LOWV: Black, sanctimonious, and reviled by the league's Jews. Also has a taste for polygamy and cannibalizing his foes on the diamond. Will execute you on the airwaves and scatter your dismembered corpse in the Nile if you fail to meet minimum IP. All this with a smile on his cherubic face. Uganda salutes you, Mama Jams."

But the most withering response came from a GM whose angry blast took up SIX text messages on my (admittedly crappy) cell phone. "I think he is full of it," he began. "Dude has won the money twice but never the title. I believe the French have a term for that, boeuf. Also, he is impossible to deal with as you have to factor his 'staggering genius' into the value of each of his players and discount all of your players by your own 'baffling mediocrity' and 'obscene luck.' As he once told me straight-faced, 'Every season I make a couple of unquestionably genius moves. Nate McLouth is one of them. That's what separates Lacey from the pack.' Yeah, that or the rules that established the keeper system and valuation system favored your existing roster."

That quote from Lacey is exceptionally damning. I think the verdict is clear. Mama Jams is the most despised GM in the entire league.

Prediction: I am going down, big time - LU has consistently beaten LM recently, and the Penny/Maine and CLee/Wang pitching matchups really screwed me this week. Why would I turn this section into an unvarnished ad hominem attack if I thought I could win this showdown on the merits?

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The biggest surprises in the league right now are Flash and Equipe. Given their lowly ranks in preseason evaluations and their slow starts, many chalked these guys up as cellar dwellers. Not so. Flash scraped and clawed his way past FC last week, winning many categories by just a smidge. It was a really gutsy effort. Equipe's pitching was frickin' outstanding last week, and as he says, "I ALWAYS win holds." Pride goeth before a fall, my nigga!

I'd rather eat glass than inherit VR's bad luck. It's cruel to even discuss this further. What a debacle. WHY is he still holding onto Bartolo Colon?!!?!?

Although you'd think the Mothership/LU matchup would have brought out a better effort from the rivals, given that these are two good teams whose leaders are living under the same roof and all. Instead, pretty mediocre numbers reigned, with the exception of Lacey's TWELVE swipes!

Whoa there Snatty, bam a lam. Santana looks sharp, bam a lam. Lannan smells like farts, bam a lam. Take a look at OC, bam a lam, worst IF in the league, bam a lam. Ho now Snatty, bam a laaaaammmmm! (apologies to FC, I just wanted to keep this joke going.)

D'Lucious stumbled badly last week, with stalwarts like Manny and Rios playing like crap. Don't get used to it, America. Guapo's numbers were kind of weak, but he walked away with a win. Gotta take 'em where you can get 'em!

unB's pitching line last week: 1-4, 44K, 0 Sv, 3 HLD, 6 HR, 6.26 ERA, 1.59 WHIP, 2.10 K/BB. Uh oh, did I just poo myself? Oh, no, that's just the smell of those stats. Bonomatory won some of these categories by staggering margins, and proved to the myriad doubters that his team isn't just Nick Punto and pray for rain...

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

Plainview recently posted an article to the bulletin board about the Dodgers' new autograph policy, implying that I had something to do with this move to cut out the little guy. Trust me, Dan, this is none of my doing. I saw the handwriting on the wall when the McCourts bought the team and since then my work with the Dodge has mostly been in a symbolic capacity. First off, that dumb mick made his WIFE the team president. Are you freaking kidding me? Buzzie Bavasi, she's not.

I figure the team on the field is fine with Torre at the helm, and as for the management, it's a lost cause. That's why I took the job with LM, to distract me from that abomination.

RECOMMENDED READING

If you want to become as knowledgeable about the art of war as Tommy, you can start by reading Shelby Foote's The Civil War: A Narrative. Executive summary of the first two volumes: Capturing Fort Sumter was a blunder, anybody who crossed Lincoln lived to regret it (like the guy who tried to screw him over and got literally sent to Siberia as ambassador to Russia), Lee had gigantic balls, McClellan had little tiny balls, U.S. Grant was a drunken master, Jeff'n Davis was a magnificent shit talker, Stonewall was a hardass and a badass, Longstreet was an excellent Robin but a shitty Batman, the US Navy is a really under-appreciated player, Sherman gets bonus points for being a prescient ginger but serious minus points for burning the fine city of Jackson, MS three different times! Not cool, Redstick, not cool.

Once it gets going, every 50 pages or so there is another gigantic battle with thousands of casualties and kickass generalship on one side or another. It's 3,000 pages and over a million words, but this book is the shit.

SHORTPANTS - MY TAKE

Here's a suggestion for all of you, especially those who can't find the time to keep up with Shortpants. Got an iPod? Got a morning commute? Combine your powers to brighten one morning a week with the Shortpants Radio Show. Ever since I discovered this optimal listening occasion, neither rainstorms nor horrible traffic can ruin the one day a week I can hear Mike and friends discuss LOWV in all its permutations. Magnificent!

In this week's show, Rob Walls claims you cannot find starting pitching in the free agent pool. Bobby, I'd like you to meet my friends: Justin Verlander, Chien-Ming Wang, John Maine, Cliff Lee, and Dustin McGowan.

Sahl suggests during the show that Rusty Hardin didn't advise Clemens against the defamation lawsuit because he wanted to bilk him for as much money as possible. Isn't it conceivable that Clemens just doesn't listen to advice? Hardin is no ambulance-chaser so you've got to think he told Roger this was a bad idea. Clemens was just too pigheaded to listen. I think Rusty has grounds for a defamation suit against Sahl.

Is there anything better than the patented Mike Jones Sigh of Disbelief and Disgust (TM)? I say no. This week, his sighs were joined by genuinely hurt feelings after Daniel Plainview made reference to Mothership's "lengthy belt" in the latest power rankings. I'm pretty sure the boys were spot-on in their interpretation of the fat comment, but what I found most striking about this line they didn't discuss. Shouldn't he have said notches on his GUN? The latter alludes to dueling prowess, the former to bedroom prowess. I'm pretty sure the goal here is to kill each other, not boof each other......right????

I'm quite certain if Mike and Rob were given a nationally-syndicated show tomorrow, with Sahl as producer and regular guest appearances from Schmentz, this would immediately become the best thing on radio.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Rich Hill, demoted to the minors after struggling mightily with his control from spring training on, and being personally responsible for 5 or 6 Lou Piniella hemorrhoids...my only hope is that he can straighten himself out and become 2009's Ervin Santana or Cliff Lee. Lord knows I can't drop him.

This week's genius: Since I can only choose Chase Utley so many times, let's give a shoutout to my main man Carlos Marmol. Season stats - 28 Ks in 21 innings, 2 saves, 8 holds, 1.29, 0.67, 5.60. Do you feeeeeel like I do??

DANK FARM NUGS

I've got an awesome AAA pitcher capable of whiffing 200 guys a year! Only problem is, he's taking up a spot on my 25 man roster. Thanks for nothing, Dick.

ENDQUOTE

"Here comes the Flash! .... Who is the Flash?" Michael Jones