After all my years in the game, I sometimes think I've seen everything there is to see. But every season, something new and surprising happens that changes the way I perceive the LOWV. Last year, it was the attempted poisoning of yours truly in a Brooklyn spumoni deathtrap. This season, it's the inspirational slump-breaking golden thong.
Portfolio magazine revealed a shocking story that's been around the locker dungeons of the LOWV for years, but only recently became known in the LM clubhouse:
"Jason Giambi has a deep, dark secret. Deeper than his compulsion to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door, and darker than his dream of growing up to be a heavy-metal musician.
The deepest, darkest secret harbored by the New York Yankees first baseman is that whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform. "I only put it on when I'm desperate to get out of a big slump," he confides.
Over Giambi's checkered career in the Bronx, he has left the "golden thong" in the lockers of slumping teammates Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura, and Robinson Cano. "All of them wore it and got hits," he reports. "The thong works every time.""
Giambi: Also uses "The Thong Song" to break out of karaoke slumps
The New York Daily News followed up with a hard-hitting article on all things thong:
""Whoever is on slumps, puts it on," catcher Jorge Posada admitted yesterday. "I don't know if it works. I haven't worn it yet."
Posada added that "a lot of players have worn it," but he didn't name names. Asked if the thong got washed between wearings, he gave a cringe-worthy answer. "Ask Jason," said Posada. "Jason is a little strange."
Yankee outfielder Bobby Abreu recoiled and threw his arms up in the air when a reporter waved a variation of Giambi's shiny underwear in his face.
"I don't know anything about that," Abreu insisted, though his bulging eyes said otherwise."
While teams like the Lacey Underalls have successfully donned Giambi's thong in seasons past, we've never had that kind of below-the-belt performance enhancer working in our favor. Until this season. When LM grabbed Giambi off the free-agent rolls on May 11, we thought we were getting a solid IF with power, RBI opportunities and a good eye. We never realized that our modest $3 investment also included a lucky thong!
Giambi wasted no time distributing his magical underpants to the needy. Ryan Howard, mired in his traditional spring morass, arrived the next day to find the golden wonder already hanging in his locker. "The fuck?" he asked quizzically.
"Put it on, bro," said the beefy Giambino. "You'll be going yard again in no time."
Howard refused, so Giambi waited until he was taking a noonday nap...and then dropped trou and pressed his flabby ass cheeks around Howard's face, tickling his nose with Italian butt hairs in the immortal humiliation known only as the Sasquatch. Howard squirmed and cried in horror, but Giambi wouldn't relent. "Wear the thong!!" he demanded. I'll say one thing for Jason, he wants the best for his teammates.
Thus chastened by the threat of further Sasquatchings, Howard wore the thong that night at the ballpark. Since then, his line has been 7/26, 7 R, 3 HR, 6 RBI, .269/.999 - with a gang of K's, but it's a slump-breaking thong, not a skill-set-transforming thong, for god's sake.
Howard: Gimme that thong.
In a seemingly decisive matchup against fellow league-leader Fecal Clatter, LM managed to snatch stalemate from the jaws of defeat. And not just because of the magic thong.
It was the weekend, and FC had us on the ropes. The team was losing and I was puking my guts out after a Friday night drinking binge with Mama Jams, in celebration of our mutual decision to bury the hatchet. I felt like shit and LM was playing like diarrhea.
Despite the world's most predictable injury to Nick Johnson, FC had some of its bats roaring - David Wright, Stephen Drew, Raul Ibanez, Corey Hart. Bag-swipers ran rampant and Nachtmarz deftly shuffled his pitching lineups to max out his bullpen stats. Jimmy Shields and Matt Cain looked nasty, and Todd Lilly mowed down 11 batters. The sight of a 12-6 score in midstream was enough to make my prostate itch like it had been repeatedly bitten by fire ants.
That's when an angry black man burst into my office and unleashed an obscenity-laced tirade so Lasorda-esque, I wondered if he was an illegitimate son I'd fathered back in my Studio 54 days. It was Milton Bradley, and he was pissed.
"Bitch, why you sittin in here barfing? FC out there punking us and you in here puking. Sheeiiit. You realize we ain't had a healthy shortstop in there since last week? Chase Utley tiring himself out runnin' all around the infield and shit. Motherfucker. You need me to manage this team or what, nigga?"
"Go for it," I said in between spews. Although his disrespect took me aback, there was no denying the man's fire. And I was in no condition to take the fight to the enemy.
Next thing I knew, Milton had taken over managerial duties while hitting .400 with three dongs. He talked Russell Martin and Chipper Jones into a hitting contest by convincing them that he would force the loser to attend Fat School. And he scared the shit out of Johan Santana with an unprecedented mound-charge straight from the dugout, after which the Mets ace yielded dinger after dinger.
"Outta my way Bud Black! I'm-a stab that Venezuelan mothafucka!"
By the time Sunday night wound down, I had regained the ability to digest solid food, and Milton Bradley's terrifying stewardship had brought LM back to a tie with FC. Thus we were able to finish our swing through the top 3 teams in the preseason standings with a record of 38-21-7.
THIS WEEK
Jambalaya on the Bayou (LM v unB version)
Peace out ho, me gotta go, me oh my oh
Me gotta go whip unB's crap squad down the bayou
Todd Helton, sucks a dong, me oh my oh
Son of a gun, we'll win 21-1 on the bayou
CHORUS:
Jambalaya, crawfish pie, hittin' dongs off Cueto
'Cause tonight I'm gonna see Andruw Jones and giggle
Chad pick guitar, fill fruit jar and be gay-o
Son of a gun, Pedro is done, on the bayou.
Billy Butt, fat as fuck, slim down, cousin!
Carlos Gui hits GIDP by the dozen
Except Soto, your team blows, me oh my oh
Son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou.
Just kidding about 21-1, our goal is more along the lines of last week's 12-7 advantage...but we will be on our guard against sneak attacks and below-the-belt smack. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to buy some fried shrimp from the seafood place up the street and fix myself a po' boy...
INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS
The Game of the Week was ERdR vs. the Flash. Although a 1o-10 tie, this was anything but a disappointment. The offensive matchup is pretty staggering. When you see numbers like these - 38 R, 75 H, 16 2B, 10 HR, .301 BA, .852 OPS - and they AREN'T in bold, you know this was a showdown. Not to mention the double CG SOs that Flash received from Hamels and Fausto! At some point, we have to dispense with the image of these teams as upstarts and accept that they have the potential to win it all this year. Each team has areas of particular strength and obsesses over particular categories - no distinction more striking there than Flash's love of cheap saves and Equipe's love of holds. Teams of destiny in parallel worlds? I don't think either of these franchises will fall out of playoff contention anytime soon.
The mirror image of this great game was the Snatty/Guapo match, another Boston/SF competition but with way, way worse numbers across the board. Honestly, I'm not sure what else to say here without making more enemies...
Feast-or-famine smack from BI this week: "I am going to Poor Man's Fart in your face!" I guarantee that will reduce half the league to hysterical giggles, while the other half shakes its head in derision. The 12-4 score, in favor of PMF, demonstrates exactly in which direction the stinky winds blew. In addition, two of BI's "runs" were by one measly statistical point. On the flip, good win for PMF. This team can no longer lean on the hard schedule excuse, as the tables have been turned and PMF's schedule is, to this point, the league's easiest - so wins like this become crucial in the playoff drive.
Speaking of PMF: while Andy LaRoche warms the Poor Man's pine, Mothership's Blake DeWitt continues to mash in the big leagues. And-LaRoc can bitch all he wants, and he has, but DeWitt is playing like he deserves to be in an LOWV lineup, and sticking in the Dodger hot corner. Kudos to the Ship for grabbing a guy who doesn't have much pedigree, but can unquestionably boost his infield for a time.
While he sings a song of basement-dwelling, I'm told that the Banana Belt organization is actually quite optimistic. CC Saba is looking fierce, and BB insiders pointed out that fellow Tribesman Aaron Laffey is looking better and better with each appearance.
unB finally bit the bullet and grabbed Jayson Werth. This guy has been crushing everything for quite a while, playing in a great hitters' park with an awesome lineup around him. Every year, there are boring vets who get hot, and it almost becomes a staring contest among LOWV GMs to determine who is willing to swallow their love of flashy talent and grab the boring bat. Smart move by unBeleguerable to snag this Werth-while player. Werth-while - get it??????
VR appears to be taking a page out of the BB handbook, transforming a preseason darling into what appeared to be a sinking ship, and then ambushing the league leaders when they least expect it. His 10-8 victory over the league's most serious businessman was coupled by a smack ambush that nobody saw coming, and that blasted everyone and everything in its path. My response to this turn of events is twofold - first, praise to VR for this double-barreled assault. With the standings largely static this week, he's still in position to move up. Second, LU has now had two disappointing weeks in a row. I believe this performance can be summed up best in a single image:
Here at LM, we consider D'Lucious Bitch Pies to be our most frightening competition at the moment. This is a team that completely outfoxed me a few weeks back and has risen from a Varitek-picking, Soriano-trading laughingstock to a LOWV powerhouse in a few short seasons. Who is to say how far this team can rise in the future? Did I mention that Forest has an iPhone and can juggle his lineup at virtually any time?? DLBP continued to make a case for its own awesomeness with a big win over Banana Belt this week. Other than a statistically-aberrant dearth of dongs, his numbers looked good across the board. NINETY freakin' hits?
The best part...the wounded LU now seeks to right the ship against a cruising DLBP! This ought to make for an incredibly fierce battle. This is my advance pick for Game of the Week next week, and at the very least it ought to end in bloodshed and/or hurt feelings. Awesome.
OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE
"I gave up on Garza, he just had a crappy outing yet the bid keeps rising."
So said Banana Belt at 10:59 on Monday morning. unB folded on Garza minutes before this statement. Yet BB made no declaration of fold to the league board, so the auction "continued" until the commish ended it by fiat 6:52 AM this morning, delaying by one day VR's ability to add Garza to his roster.
Weak.
DANK FARM NUGS
I think it's clear by now that the players on Hershiser's Heroes are awesome, so it's high time we took a look at some of the other studs out there.
VR is giddy about his top pick, Orioles catching prospect Matt Wieters. And for good reason - at least one GM of a 2007 playoff team cursed aloud when the Rumors snagged him with a lottery pick. In naming Wieters prospect of the day recently, Baseball America wrote that "Only two games were played yesterday because of weather, but Frederick (Orioles) catcher Matt Wieters probably would have taken the cake on any day. The switch-hitting Wieters went 3-for-5 with two home runs and four RBIs, giving him 11 long balls on the year. He also threw out the only runner that tried to steal on him. He is now batting .338/.419/.618 in 136 at-bats."
Lots of Mischevious Maggie O'Hooligans in the news recently. Let's begin on the positive tip. Angel Villalona started slow this season, but the young, raw Giants prospect recently exploded on a Rays farm club, going 4-5 and mashing like a madman. I've heard tell that NOBODY in the minors has the kind of raw power potential this guy has. In other MMO'H news, top pick Fernando Martinez got hurt, while shortstop Carlos Triunfel has been missing time due to a mysterious suspension...
LM PENIS / GENIUS
This week's penis: Jeff Keppinger, who signed with LM and then went out the very same night and threw his kneecap in front of a foul tip, meaning that he never actually played for us. Consequently, we got stuck with Khalil "Despite My Name, Not Only Am I White, I'm WICKED White" Greene. Eff you, Keppinger! Get well soon, Furcal!
This week's genius: Russell Martin, who batted .522 with an OPS of 1.082 last week and continued his winning ways into Week 8 by scoring the winning run for the Dodge last night. No Fat School for you! This week, anyway.
Honorable mention to Milton Bradley, who notoriously gets himself really pissed off in order to perform at his best. Let the anger take control, Milton - let the anger move you! And thanks for the help last weekend.
ENDQUOTE
"I can finally look forward to some positive analysis from Tommy... or can I?"
-Vicious Rumors, who sends the mighty Colon to the mound on Wednesday!
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