San Francisco -- Equipe Roi du Radeau began the much anticipated process of shaking up its roster and front office this morning by announcing the hiring of Daniel Plainview as its new General Manager. Mr. Plainview admitted that he unofficially joined the team several weeks ago, however Equipe had resisted publicly announcing the regime change until it could locate and inform former General Manager Nils Coq au Vin of the decision. Sources indicate Mssr. Coq au Vin has been a regular in the Monte Carlo club scene since walking out of the Equipe offices in the team’s mascot costume several weeks ago.Equipe will be the first team Plainview has managed at the LOWV-level; however he holds an impressive record in the Junior League, having won several championships and developed several perennial all-stars. Plainview opened the press conference with a statement to the gathered crowd before taking questions.
Plainview does not arrive at Equipe without controversy. There have been rumors circulating around the league about his unorthodox managing style for years. Critics have cited his harsh disciplinary system, demanding nature and unquenchable competitive desire as borderline psychotic. However, Plainview attempted to clear up some of the rumors regarding his management style and reputation amongst players and other mangers.
“Now I've traveled across half our state to be here and to see about this team. I daresay some of you might have heard some of the more extravagant rumors about what my plans are. I just thought you'd like to hear it from me. This is the face, it's no great mystery. I'm a baseball man, ladies and gentlemen,” he said.
Plainview will certainly change the face of Equipe. In the Junior League, Plainview had a reputation for getting back to the basics and forcing players to dig deep within themselves for well-springs of strength and talent. Those who were incapable were often cast aside and forgotten; those who survived found themselves transformed into all-stars. Plainview appeared deadest on following this blueprint for Equipe.
“As a baseball man I'd hope that you'll forgive just good old-fashioned plain speaking. Now please don't be insulted if I speak about this-- hitting. Let's talk about hitting. Now to my mind, it's an abomination to consider that any shortstop, first-baseman or outfielder in this magnificent league of ours should have to look upon a decent batting average as a luxury,” he explained.
To assure the crowd that he was serious, Plainview announced that a trade was pending between Equipe and El Guapo. In the trade, Equipe would send Garrett Atkins and Danny Haren to El Guapo in exchange for Mark Teixeira and Mike Lowell. Both teams agreed to eat a portion of the outgoing contracts, meaning Equipe will pay Teixeira $13 for 2008 and 2009, while Lowell will make $3 for the remainder of the season.
This deal came as somewhat of a shock to those gathered, as Plainview had only just been announced as the new manager of the team; however, those who know Plainview noted this was precisely what he is known for.
“Quick, decisive, blinding action,” noted one former employee who requested to remain anonymous. “I mean, on some level it just feels pathological, like he wants to not only beat the competition, but destroy them.”
Whatever the reason, it was apparent the crowd appreciated the move. Cheers erupted from the fans when Teixeira was named. Teixeira was a key member of the 2006 Equipe that shocked the world with its explosive offense and fell two runs short of a chance at the title game. Always a fan favorite, Teixeira was let go due to financial constrains. There is no doubt, the move to bring Teixeira back was a symbolic gesture of change by Plainview, who is renowned for getting the best players and the lowest prices.
Teixiera and Lowell will serve as the bookends to a retooled offense. Their veteran presence will balance out the youth heavy lineup and provide struggling All-Star outfielder Alfonso Soriano added protection in the lineup. The renewed focus on offense has meant a renewed hope in 2008 for Equipe.
“We're going to win championships here. Higher batting averages mean more base-runners. More base-runners means more runs. We're going to raise the score here where before it just simply was impossible. You're going to have more runs than you know what to do with. Hits’ll be coming right out of your ears, ma'am. Better on base percentages, RBIs, doubles, homers. These are just a few of the things we can offer you, and I assure you ladies and gentlemen, that if we do find talent here, and I think there's a very good chance that we will, this team of our will not only survive, it will flourish.”
And with that, Plainview walked away from the podium and shared a knowing glance with longtime bench coach and consigliore, Anton Chigurh.
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