Well, here we are again, assholes. Another season dawns in the LOWV, bringing with it the usual questions...Who will pour money into a top-flight pitching staff only to see it collapse with vagina injuries? Who will see fit to employ the most marginal player in the league, Brandon Inge? Whose attempts at smack will go disastrously awry, humiliating only himself? Who will dominate the regular season only to cough it up to BB in the yoffs? (The answers, of course, are PMF, Snatty, unB, and Lacey.)
I woke up this morning, took some medication for my "going problem," caught up on my correspondence (mash notes to Rudy Giuliani) and then turned my mind to the 13 sorry teams that LM is going to compete with this year. How pathetic you all are...when I think of the hours you'll spend laboring over your rosters this summer, only to be utterly and inevitably vanquished by 25 supermen with "LM" on their chests and fire-hose cocks coiled in their titanium steel cups. The depths of your collective self-delusion are frightening to plumb. To say the least...
LAST WEEK
To me, El Guapo is like the guy who is banging your ex girlfriend (TGWIBYEG). On the one hand, you feel like you owe TGWIBYEG some grudging respect, after all you have similar taste in women and similar success at touching the boobs of said women. To scorn him would be to scorn yourself. On the other, you have repeatedly put your pee-pee in the woman TGWIBYEG loves, which is the real-world equivalent of having owned the guys on Guapo's team back when they were in their primes. Yeah, I had Mike Lowell too...back when he was celebrated for actually kicking ass, not just lightly booting ass on a really good, really popular team.
This matchup was a prison gang rape all week, featuring me as the merciless Sisters, until Sunday. That's when Guapo mustered up some much-needed self respect and rose up in a challenge LM will not soon forget. Powered by Ben Sheets' genius CG SO, Guapo closed from 14-4 to 12-10 before falling short of a tie in a tiny crecendo of Edgar Renteria dribblers on Sunday night. LM's offensive firewall and line-filling studs mitigated the damage from Guapo's sprint to the finish and preserved the victory. Still, it was tough to ignore the disparity between Guapo's ace, pitching his team back into a key contest, and LM's ace Justin Verlander, who simply embarrassed himself in the late game. After an inspirational, semi-comprehensible pep talk from pitching coach Fernando Valenzuela, Verlander promised me he will do better next time. You'd better, Justin. I can call Rick Porcello up and give him your job TOMORROW!!
Game-within-the-game: LM ran out its two most inexperienced starters against the mighty Yankees lineup on consecutive nights, and emerged unscathed. Most notably, Guapo's beloved A-Rod came up weak against green arms. His line against Dustin McGowan and Andy Sonnanstine: 6 AB, 1 H, 0 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, 0 RBI, 0 BB, 1 K, two maxi pad changes.
Despite this, I must extend a heartfelt "good game" to the Guap for a fine performance. Like his idol Hillary Clinton, he fought until the last vote was counted.
THIS WEEK
We'll be taking on Vicious Rumors this week- it's a battle between the team headquartered in Boston stuffed with Los Angeles players and the team headquartered in Los Angeles stuffed with Boston players. The only difference is, my guys are fantasy all-stars and his are marginal contributors. (Except for Josh Beckett, who got punked by Vernon Wells yesterday.) Yeah, VR has got "the best young infield in the LOWV." But that's only getting attention because our collective GMs are a bunch of child molesters. Guess what, my infield is way better, they just don't happen to be 12 years old. Howard, Utley, Furcal and Chipper were just here and they said that Youk, Cano, Tulo and Braun are queaves. On the record...
Also, Jeff Kent is plotting to run Dustin Pedroia over with his monster truck at the first sign of the diminutive one letting his guard down to pick up a cribbage crib.
Based on Week 1, VR is the underdog, a role he should be accustomed to after many losing seasons in the LOWV. A matchup of our two teams last week would have concluded with a 12-7 LM victory, and VR would have counted himself lucky that it wasn't worse. A .667 OPS and 6.47 ERA will do that to you. Still, there is no way we can depend on such a sucky performance from VR this week. His team is definitely better than that. We'll need to show our power-hitting might, our pitching depth and our speed on the basepaths to triumph. Hmm, his strengths are eerily similar to mine. My boys will have to step up their games to show this methodology-copying upstart who is boss!
Except for the bullpen. You guys can just take it easy. I don't think Keith Foulke and Lee Gardner are going to be accumulating any stats other than "leadoff walks surrendered" and "testicles scratched."
INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS
Despite getting thrashed by FC, unB had offensive numbers that would have fared much better against almost any other competition. 8 HR / 23 RBI / .288 / .858 is nothing to strike in gold leaf on the wall, but compared to the offensive suckage that was LOWV08 Week 1, that was actually pretty good. Just tough luck for the team from New Orleans to run up against the Commissioner's stable of good looking, young, white studs.
While Snatty's staff surrendered an astonishing twelve bombs, his front office is buzzing about the fact that Ervin Santana won on the road. I know you don't believe this could be possible, so here is a link! A nice win over BI this week, but a playoff bid will require more.
DLBP dismantled The Flash despite the best efforts of the latter's 1,034 first basemen. The addition of Jurrjens to the Bitch Pie staff could be another step towards glory for this once-maligned franchise. Meanwhile the Flash's rep for reliable performance is showing cracks with a shockingly low initial Power Ranking and a stinging Week 1 defeat. Did his failure to make the playoffs last year presage an extended lean period?
One word: Fukudome.
PMF/tBB is always an ugly grudge match. The Poor Man got the best of this one...and it wasn't as close as the score indicated. Check out George Sherrill and his 3 saves, but try not to look at the WHIP the Man got for his money last week. Meanwhile the Belt's offense had an OPS of .693 and his pitching line was a disaster other than holds. Of course, the Gallardo/Liriano/Bailey express has yet to leave the station...and if you don't give me the deed to your ranch I'm gonna tie you on the railroad track. And then?
OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE
"I just snaked [Tom] Gordon off the FA. Let's just say I'm intrigued. He could be a good chip if my hunch plays out."
Nils Coq au Vin, shortly before Gordon imploded with the following line - L, 0.1 IP, 5 ER, 135.0 ERA, 15.00 WHIP, 0 K/BB, 1 Beshitted Trouser. Gordon was cut the next day and NCaV was out on the street almost immediately thereafter in mascot's garb. I hear Pearl Jam is touring Bordeaux - look for NCaV to lurk backstage, plaintively calling for renditions of "Yellow Ledbetter."
SHORTPANTS - MY TAKE
Haven't heard the second installment of Opening Day Shortpants yet. Too busy re-listening to the Friday night installment, in which The Mothership airs his greivances after one too many insults to his dignity. In a scintillating tirade, Mikeman called Lacey and FC out for uncharitably mocking teams below them in the standings, and superciliously scoffing at methods of player evaluation that deviate from their own. This was electrifying radio, made especially delicious by the fact that it followed close upon the heels of a three-man praisefest directed at the LM roster. One of my favorite episodes ever!
While I share Lacey and FC's belief in the power of stats, I also think there is a mystical element to player evaluation - a Tao of uniform numbers - that some of the cockier GMs in our league often overlook. More to the point, however, what the hell was that reference to Lacey's new strategy - something like "Total Information Awareness"? Me thinks he has spent WAY too much time staring at the Masonic eye-pyramid and now he thinks he is the bastard child of Bill James and J. Edgar Hoover, instead of what he is: the A-Rod of the LOWV.
LM PENIS/GENIUS
This week's penis: Shane Victorino, whose dreadful 3-for-23 slump is made worse by the fact that Utley is hitting everything in sight right behind him. According to my bench coach, Kirk Gibson, Shane Vic was taking extra BP on Sunday night after another suck performance. You don't get extra credit for that, asshole! Start filling up those stat lines, so-called Flyin' Hawaiian, or I'll send you back to where I discovered you - friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless, clapped in irons in Benny Agbayani's guest house / sex lair.
This week's genius: Chase Motherfucking Utley. 9-for-21, 8R, 2 2B, 3 HR, 6 RBI (thanks a lot Shane), 5 BB/0 K, .429 / .519 / 1.471.
Oh yeah, he is also too pretty for words. Let's have a reminder shall we???
No, I will not trade him to you.
DANK FARM NUGS
OK, this is the part where you need to pay attention. Later in the season, when your team is slowly circling the drain, these are the future Hall of Famers you will be begging me to trade to you in exchange for your veteran All-Stars. Each week, as their minor league accomplishments mount, your fantasy boners grow, and your team slips further and further away from a playoff spot, this section of the column will just get more and more excruciating. You might as well just try to trade for these guys now in order to end the pain.
First-round steal Rick Porcello was a god in his first outing, racking up five innings of one-hit ball - and scouts in attendance noted he wasn't even going all-out with his heater. Josh Vitters was recently dissed by Keith Law; great news because I think Keith Law is a bitch. Jason "Don't Call Me Jayson" Heyward is 5-for-14 and rapped an RBI single yesterday. Phillippe Aumont -"Prized Quebecois top draft pick with electric stuff and shady personal history" - provided four no-hit innings as part of a combined three-hit shutout. Aaron Poreda got hit hard the other day, probably because he has spent too much time on the campus of the University of San Francisco and suffered pussification as a consequence. This will fade in time.
ENDQUOTE
"Waking up in bed with a naked Chelsea Clinton...that's the Banana Belt." - Rick Kentz
Until next time, I remain...
LASORDA
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