Tommy's .500 Thoughts - Part One

Three weeks into the season, and Tommy's team is a pathetic 27-27.

Mediocrity!! That's what I truly loathe.

The LOWV has been kicking ass these first few weeks. We've had brilliant performances, disappointments, and jail rapes of some unsuspecting teams.

And through it all, LM has been completely average.

Horseshit!! Eventually someone will have to pay for this crappy performance.

But for now, it's time to share my Thoughts.

SHOCKING VIDEO

It's clear from the comments that one GM may have unwisely released this clip...

One "djmelsa" praises the LOWV in a public message to youtube accompanying this video clip. Curious to say the least.

I'm pretty sure this video depicts the brutal training methods applied almost immediately after birth in the horrific Banana Belt youth academies deep in the heart of Japan.

Shame on you BB!!!!!

I intend to inform the UN about this outrage, as soon as I finish this column and have a snack.

ANTI-SALOON LEAGUE

If this division was a song right now, it would be "Locomotive Breath" by J. Tull. League giants and upstarts dueling in the dawn light.

This division hurtles towards a season of hard-fought battles and blood spilled all over the streets of Brooklyn, while rebellious hordes from outside make plans to storm the ramparts.

I really hope it comes to blows this year.

The first meeting of Lacey Underalls and Fecal Clatter in the division era, the top billing on the Week Two card, was a surprising smackdown.

I've rarely seen a statline as glistening as the one Lacey recorded in that matchup.

Taste it. I don't see a single untoward number on that row.

FC was in it all week, then folded up like an origami vagina on Sunday, whilst the rival GMs sat beside one another at a Sox game no less.

Now, if you think LU is going to rest on its laurels after defenestrating its hated foe, you are stupid. They are going to sharpen those laurels into tiny daggers and pepper the league with blowgun blasts. Because they are that goddam persistent.

One of the reason why league GMs literally beg me to write this column is that nobody cultivates league sources like I do. I'm using those sources to get some insight into the machinations of the dastardly LU. One of my most trusted sources tells me LU management recently reached out to his team to propose a trade. The other team would give up its longtime franchise player and a useful utilityman, while LU would offer a first baseman and Bandy Johnson. Now, my source could not recall if the first baseman offered was Miggy Cabrera or Carlos Delgado, only that he was "foreign." Since this is a pretty significant difference, it's tough to evaluate the offer. What we do know is that the other team's counteroffer, which did not include the franchise player, was outright ignored by LU.

Don't waste LU's time with bullshit offers, serve up champions or just leave him alone.

This division also features two LOWV GMs sharing one floor of a Brooklyn house. Poor Man's Fart is matching LU step for step and has had one of the strongest starts in the league. FC suffered the aforementioned asskicking from LU and now sits eleven and one-half games out of first in the division.

PMF has had a rollercoaster season, all right. Opening up by walloping its collegial rival Banana Belt, this team made clear that its emphasis on excellent pitching had not eroded. This team has racked up many wins through its consistent, deep pitching across almost all categories.

I'm told the secret is the music the pitchers groove to in the bullpen before every game:

The offense has scored very few runs, by far the least in the league, and it embarrassed the team in its 12-7 defeat at the hands of Vicious Rumors, failing to capture more than one category. The bats must deliver at some point for this team. Beating up a slow-starting BB and a defenseless Flash is one thing, but PMF is still looking for that franchise-defining moment that will ignite a dynasty.

In the meantime, a game back of the red-hot LU will serve PMF quite nicely.

Are Fecal Clatter fans hitting the panic button yet? This is a premature ejaculation if I've ever had one, but the Scotty Scotty Bake Bake trade looks like a stinky boother bathe right now.

I saw it, I was there. The morning of Sunday, April 12, and FC has a gigantic 12-5 lead over LM. In every facet of the game, FC has been the superior team. What happened that fateful Sunday? LM showed up with a big hitting day and a CG SO from Aaron Harang. FC's frontrunning offense flamed out like Roberto Alomar. Game by game, LM crept back into the match...in an annual tradition, Tommy's boys pooped in the FC Sunday afternoon chili. When Carlos Marmol whiffed Corey Hart in the 8th inning of the night game to tie the match, flipping two categories, what once seemed like a defining overture turned into an intestine-bound gas bubble for the Fecal ones.

The funny thing was, FC was still a better team than LM that week. But this league doesn't reward overall bestness, it's all about the categories son!!

The next week, the most pathetic face ever made while checking fantasy scores on a Blackberry was glimpsed upon the visage of FC as the scores from his last day against LU came in...

If it weren't for the pedestrian victory over upstart Bonomatory Influence last week, this team would be digging itself quite a hole.

For the record, I still strongly tally FC as one of the top six teams in the league...righting this poop ship destroyer will lead to browner seas. And I mean that in the best possible way.

While we're on the subject of Bonomatory Influence, no team has exceeded expectations like that team so far. BI's early surge is putting hope in the hearts of its fans from the Presidential Range to the Rocky Mountains. Two solid wins and a respectable defeat to a playoff team is an excellent start for the BI squadron.

The Influence's pitching staff features a number of quality arms, and his lineup includes many guys I love to watch play the game. You gotta love scrappers like Jayson Werth, the heretofore-proficient hitting of Placido Polanco, the promise of Ian Stewart, and the electrifying start of Emilio Bonifacio. Would you rather have your young starters or BI's stable, which includes Bumgarner, Scherzer, Galarraga, Floyd, Volstad, Cueto, and Broxton?

But there's one problem for this team: a core of elite hitters just doesn't seem to be there yet. That's why I still need to see more from BI to declare this launch successful.

Time to call out Banana Belt shortstop Jose Reyes, who promised to steal home in honor of Jackie Robinson, but has pussied out so far.

This item was brought to my attention by ERdR sources, who mocked Reyes for failing to accomplish the feat before their young outfielder, Jacoby Ellsbury, swiped home with a straight steal on the big stage against the Yankees.

Hopefully, ERdR will ramp up the mockery on Reyes until their only matchup in June, at which point Reyes steals home four times in a day and ERdR becomes just the latest victim of the "Talking shit on BB jinx." I guess I am destined to be a victim too, because I am here to say that David Murphy has played himself out of a roster spot. His 1 for 25 funk has mired him on the Rangers bench and completely unplayable for BB.

Not that this has much fazed the league's perennial champ, who took a significant thumpin' from PMF in stride, then rebounded with wins over Flash and unB. BB's all-squinty-eyed outfield and proliferation of devastating aces get the job done against second-tier competition every time. This team would love to lay back in 8th place overall until late July, and then charge like a Pamplona bull down the homestretch for an unprecedented, opium scented, dark tinted fourth title. I, for one, would not be surprised to see that happen.

Mired in sixth place in the division, we have the Flash...

One thing this team has going for it is the best player in all the realms of man.

God knows I love Chase Utley like a son. His stout and devout leadership of LM has led us through many a tempestuous campaign. Well, two tempestuous campaigns, but I've shed a sea of neurotic sweat beads in that short interim. But if I was picking a team from scratch, I would ditch Chase Utts and go right after Albert Pujols with the first overall pick. His offensive game is simply a joy to behold. Watching him play is like watching the baby Jesus frolic with an adorable puppy on a puffy cloud.

Unfortunately, this magnificent player isn't enough to ensure victory, and Flash's prowess is failing him in the early going. With his oft-injured pitching staff serving up dingers at an alarming rate, Flash is locking down saves and not much else in a series of defeats. Averaging 6 points through three weeks is a troubling sign for this team, but history shows that early returns are very misleading.

Flash's major trade bargaining chip - his pitching depth - has been splintered by the plague of injures that have hit his staff. Still, I can see a deal going down before season's end that might help Flash get some lineup protection for Pujols while shipping out a solid SP or two. Get on it, league GMs!

In the basement of the American Sign Language tardzone is the perennial disappointment, unBeleaguerable.

The following video clip is a Tommy's Thoughts exclusive. We're publishing it in hopes of resuscitating a franchise so full of promise three short weeks ago. One desperate, typical unB fan in Slidell, LA tried to inspire his favorite team by recording this anthem of gaiety and hope:

Gimme something to believe in, unB, that's all the fans are asking for and that all I am asking for too. With so many players mailing in subpar performances, especially impulse buys Billy Butler and Matt Lindstrom, unB has suffered three thorough whippings. Three of the four top teams in the ASL got there by pillaging unB. What happened to the team that had some GMs freaked out 'round draft day?

Early on the team's leadership was upbeat, but I'm not sure how long that attitude will last. Years of losing may be inspiring bold action. Even franchise cornerstone Justin Upton has not been immune from whispered criticism. Outside of Yonder Alonso, his farm team is a series of question marks (I know people jizz in their pants over Tim Beckham, but I'll believe it when I see him hit big league pitching).

Thirty-three dongs yielded is a sour tiding for the unBeleguerable forces. A few timely additions would shore up a fairly solid pitching staff, but they have to keep the ball in the yard.

As for the offense, I suggest you light a fire under those young men by cutting a few of them, to teach 'em a lesson, ya know? Maybe Longoria, to show that nobody is untouchable? Think on it.

Whew, one division comprehensively dissected and dissed. Time for an inspirational video.



In part two of this column, to be published imminently, my Thoughts on the clearly superior Christian Temperance U, and the story of how I hypnotized my SPs to make them awesome.