Tommy's Preseason Thoughts, Part One

“America is the greatest nation God gave Man.”
Sean Hannity

Hot fun in the summertime, it’s baseball season again.

Tommy missed you.

You like baseball? You ready for the season to start? Goddamn it, I don’t know of a finer nation than America. I don't know of a finer sport than baseball.

Let's have some good American baseball and I don't want to fuck around, let's kick it off this weekend. OK? OK.

This season, you’re going to get straight truth from this column. Last year I got myself all turned around writing fictions, making projections, even promised a comprehensive Junior League review. Haahah, that’s not my game and we all know it.

My goal is to talk to you about the League of Women Voters with more candor and intensity than any other, to teach you some new swear words, start a few controversies, leak a few embargoed memoranda, and teach you how to make a steaming pile of shit appear in Google Chat.

(It’s "~@~")

Fucking A, let’s kick this motherfucker off.

CHRISTIAN TEMPERANCE U

There is not a more persistent whippersnapper in this league than Vicious Rumors. It’s not enough for him to cause trouble all the time, now his team appears to be good for the first time in years. Seriously? What's that all about?

Let's start a list of memes he's attempted to perpetrate upon the mindbrains of our league. According to his yellow journalism, Chris is a drunk, Rick's team sodomizes each other with the LOWV trophy and hosts bukkake parties on Doug Davis' face, John was cuckolded by AJ Pyrzinski, Mike is a drug smuggler, and Nick is a few glasses of Everclear away from drafting Nook Logan. That only covers a tiny percentage of his slanders. For shame, sir.

(Did anybody else notice BB's quick and wrathful reaction? This could be the start of a delightful feud.)

I note with displeasure that VR has buried Victorino on the bench. For reals? I’ll take him over Dick Ankiel anyday. I’m going to chalk that up to a temporary condition before my face gets all red and blotchy with rage.

The team is formidable. VR is like a mighty glacier with several abrupt crevasses. Scott Olsen and Ramon Ramirez are those crevasses…or did I write in my notebook that they crave ass? I can’t understand my own handwriting anymore, I’m getting old.

Snatty... What the hell is going on over there? The only really good player on his team under the age of 29 is Ervin Santana, who I practically gave him. He gives his five year extension to Xavier Nady. You know who Xavier Nady is? Kevin Mench’s twin brother. And he is 30.

I know his name sounds like your team name, dude, but seriously. No. That should have been Santana's contract.

At auction he pays a dollar above replacement level for Mike Jacobs. ErdR says that was the steal of the auction, I call that Mike Jacobs stealing one dollar from Snatty.

I was beside myself when I saw Snatty willing to commit a full year of rehab time for Jake McGee in his first round slot while all manner of awesome players passed him by. I ask you, would you rather have Jake McGee or Buster Posey? Yonder Alonso? Trevor Cahill? I take every option that is not Jake McGee there.

Then, just when I'm about to give up hope, Snatty goes after Jordan Zimmermann in the fourth round, a great pickup that I didn’t appreciate at the time. In fact, I tried to steer him elsewhere. He wasn't having it, locked in on Zimmermann.

Now the Z man has come of age with a sparkling spring and will start for the Nats. Zimmermann instantly becomes one of the best options on a rather woeful staff. Something from nothing. The Snatty special.

The moral of the story is, Snatty will always surprise you with a brilliant move when you least expect it.

So how about that auction??

Those harrowing first attempts to connect to the ESPN applet...the frenzied "don't start without me" emails...a mind-boggling discussion of computer makes and browser types...typing the first of many enraged emails to ESPN customer support...

Mothership deftly dodged this boondoggle. He skipped the auction and still ended up with guys like Jack Cust that I thought would be auction bait.

Given that this year's auction was pretty sparse, this wasn't a bad move. Missing out on the opportunity to get a guy for $1 instead of $4 is less critical in a league where money is cheaper than roster spots. Mike has so much cap space that he could have come in and blown people away for players - but most everyone has cap space, so the level at which he could outspend would be ludicrous, considering the talent on offer.

(Incidentally, how much do you think an additional roster spot would sell for on the open market - over and above the cost of the player? I would lay down serious dollars for a 26th active roster spot.)

Mothership has some nice pieces but I'm not liking the roster top to bottom. Now, Josh Hamilton, Roberts, Adam Jones, Kershaw, Joba are all great players. I have a lot of love for guys like Doumit and Trevor Hoffman. Mothership will get hot and win games in 2009, but I need to see more talent to predict a playoff spot.

Mothership's farm team concerns me - but keep in mind that he has graduated two guys to the majors already.

El Guapo has a problem. With the injury to Rodriguez he is short an infielder. He might have called on old friend John Bowker, but he was recently optioned to the minors due to the dastardly machinations of Travis Ishikawa. This could definitely end with Equipe convincing Guapo to overpay for Kendry Morales.

Let's take a look at Guapo's offseason aquisition, Alfonso Soriano. You know what stat jumps out at me about Soriano? Only four players in history have ever gone 40/40. The list is straight out of Achermann's daydreams: Canseco, Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Soriano. As a result, he is a perfect fit.

I'm curious to see if he carries Ben Sheets in a roster spot for months/years of rehab.

Let's talk Equipe. If you're like me, you have listened to this dude talk for literally years about how he was building a future dynasty that will never be stopped once it comes to fruition. After missing the playoffs a couple of times, that kind of braggadocio wears thin.

But check out Equipe 2009: solid offense with lots of useful players and some superstars, and on the pitching side, co-aces with Matsuzaka as a #3. Coq au Vin always builds a solid bullpen and this year's edition looks representative. It's a really good team, god damn it.

For perennial playoff teams who fear the rise of new contenders, Equipe's team this year is a nightmare come true.

Compounding the situation, ERdR's minor league operation is superb. The franchise basically has David Price behind its back at this point, just waiting to bring him out. Some serious talent remains on the farm, like Matt LaPorta, Trevor Cahill and Beau Mills. Although the penchant for no-offense middle infielders raises my eyebrow, the Les Dolphins or whatever are a force to be reckoned with.

The defending champs in this new division could be said to be TV's John "DLBP" Bitchpies. It's going to take another otherworldly run from Manny Ramirez to carry him to the title game again. But don't bet against little Timmy Lincecum and his merry band of followers, including Javy Vazquez and Tim "Unbelievably Underrated in Arbitration" Wakefield.

Unlike division rival Equipe, though, DLBP has an inglorious cadre of prospects. Why, just the other day a team of Pittsburgh prospects, including Ting Tang Sluts Jose Tabata and Andrew McCutchen (as well as Mothership prospect Neil Walker and ex-PMF prospect Steve Pearce), faced the mighty team of Manatee Community College. This was a mismatch to say the least. The Pirates prospects lost. Nice work, DLBP farm team.

Was DLBP's finals battle with Banana Belt simply a brief aurora borealis in the northern sky of life? Or was this the dawning of the new LOWV titan? The league's vote for the Hillary Rodham Gap seems to indicate that my fellow GMs believe the first one of those.

I'm not so sure. DLBP is a stout squad with only a few holes: Mike Fontenot smells like my bontenot.

Now to talk about the objectively best team in the league...

LASORDA'S MANICOTTI

Gods in the gloaming. He-men of the grandstand.

I'm not gonna make any guarantees. I'm not gonna promise that LM wins the league, makes the playoffs, or even wins one lousy game.

But I'm gonna tell you what.

When you play us, be it once or twice...you best know that we are coming at you with every kind of thunder under the sun, motherfucker, and we are gonna throw it at you and pray to God that it sticks. We're gonna fight you from Monday to Sunday with hard throwing young starters and veteran lumber-wielders of the highest caliber. When the game is on the line, a robust bullpen slams the door. All the while our business operation is combing the wires for fresh talent and kicking out the assholes who don't perform. When you're on vacation in Tahiti, blowing off the LOWV for a weekend of whispering sweet ta-tas in the ear canal of a prostitute in silken underpants, we'll be picking up the guy who will make our season count off the wire. BELIEVE THAT

Damn it, my angina is flaring up again.

Man, you guys better hope Stephen Strasburg doesn't live up to the hype. How does that feel, incidentally? Hating on one of America's finest young men, our most promising athletic talents, on behalf of your made up fantasy team? And yet you have no choice...if he comes to fruition, you guys are so screwed.

But that's the future. I want to talk about now.

When I look at the excellent collection of teams that made the playoffs last year, and examine the improved rosters of some rising powers, it's easy to succumb to fear that LM's playoff run might be in jeopardy.

But can you really count out a team headlined by Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Carl Crawford, Chipper Jones, Russell Martin, Joe Nathan, and...

All right, god damn it, LM's pitching is more suspect than Joran van der Sloot...you guys watch Fox News, right?

But you know, I did have the AL Cy Young winner last year, and Cliff Lee assures me he's ready to rumble again. Jesus, I beseech you, please watch over Cliff and his brethren, Justin, Aaron, Kevin, Kelvim, Ricky, and most of all Rick...

I'm very concerned about 20 year old Rick Porcello being called up to Detroit's staff. Granted, I've had him on my major league roster for a month now, but that was mostly a procedural move. I fully expected to return him to the minors before long, but thought it imprudent to burn an option to do so before he was officially designated. Well, god damn it, it never happened.

Jim Leyland has lost it, I'm telling you. Listen to what he said about his anxiety about cutting worthless Gary Sheffield: "It's not good when you light up two Marlboro's at the same time at 3 a.m., washing it down with a glass of chocolate milk."

NO SHIT Jim! Now he decides he wants Porcello in the rotation. Weren' t you guys gonna teach him to miss bats first?

I'm just glad that I remain completely coherent and sharp as a tack in my old age.

Well, I wasn't sold on Justin Masterson last year, and he did a great job, so I can only hope Porcello replicates it. I'm all in on this youngster, and my April opponents will be seeing him in action.

But seriously, fuck you Leyland.

INTERMISSION

Unburdening myself of all my preseason thoughts in one sitting is not realistic.

I'm an old man, you fuckers, and I've been managing in this cutthroat league going on four seasons now. And it's a good thing, too, because this franchise was for shit before I took over.

So before I sign off, with Part Two to follow later this weekend, let me share with you...

TOMMY'S THOUGHTS ON GUNS 'N ROSES "USE YOUR ILLUSION"

I've always felt that this should not have been a double album. There is too much filler, and it's not stylistically coherent enough to merit the length.

What this batch of solid R&B-rock songs with interesting filler needs is an editor.

If I gained mind control over GNR in their heyday (believe me I tried), I would have released "Use Your Illusion" as a single album with the following tracklist:

1. You Could Be Mine
2. Bad Obsession
3. Yesterdays
4. 14 Years
5. Knockin' on Heaven's Door
6. Pretty Tied Up
7. Shotgun Blues
8. November Rain
9. Don't Damn Me
10. Back Off Bitch
11. Breakdown
12. Don't Cry (Original)

"Civil War" gets released as a separate single. The best of the rest would go out as B-sides or wait for the box set.

That's all for now.

Tommy out!