Comings & Goings

Bang Bang: Within seconds of the free agent period opening, various deals were announced. UnBeleaguerable was the first to strike a deal with CF Chris Duffy ($3m). GM Chad Adams gave his reaction via telephone from his Washington, DC office, "It feels real good, ya know, I really like that boy. Hey, did you get the auction mega mix cd that I sent you over the internet?"

This reporter was able to disengage myself from the conversation only after suffering through a seemingly interminable song about an auction as well as various seemingly incongrous rap songs and classic rock tracks.

Going Bananas: Banana Belt GM Ricardo Maltaban quickly nailed down promising reliever Matt Capps ($3m), Fernando Cabrera ($3m), and, in a nod to his renowned love for octagenerian Cubans, Orlando Hernandez ($3m). However, perhaps the most impressive get was wily veteran Jacque Jones ($3m).

When asked about the signings, the usually reclusive Matlaban whispered, "No Comment," before ducking into his towncar and heading back to Banana Belt camp in NJ. Little is known about Maltaban, who was once regarded as a playboy extrodinaire. However, after a very public and degrading trial relating to an incident at the 2007 World Elephant Polo Championships, he largely retreated from society, maintaining a much more low-key existence.

Give em Hell-ton: To nobodies surprise, Poor Man's Fart released Todd Helton. In a puzzling turn of events, GM Robert Walls chose not to inform Helton privately of his decision; rather he torched Helton's Jeeps Grand Cherokee moments after it entered the PMF spring compound while screaming, "Get the [explitive], [explitive]-sucking, goat-[explitive]-[explitive] out of my sight!"

The festivities didn't end there, as Walls turned his attention to Brett Myers, who was observing the spectacle. Enraged by what he percieved as a "[explitive]-eatin' grin", Walls lunged at Myers and informed him that he would "wipe that face off your wife-beatin' head." When James Shields and Scott Schoeneweis intervened by dragging the manager from Myers's bloodied body, Walls informed them that they should "just take your girlfriend and leave...all of you. You're off the team, [explitive]."

After the fire department had extinguished the flames and Helton had been safely choppered out for medical assistance, Walls wasted no time putting the newfound capital to good use as the team announced the acquisition of veteran hitsmith and DL-star Morgan Ensberg ($3m); three promising young mashers in Ty Wigginton ($3m), Jonny Gomes ($3m) and Josh Bard ($3m); and some much needed bullpen support-- in the likes of Andrew Miller ($3m) Ryan Madson ($3m), Jamie Walker ($3m) and Mike Pelfrey ($3m).

Mmmm, De-Licious: DLBP struck quickly and put his cap space to work, signing veteran jack of all trades Rich Aurilia ($3m). The team also invested heavily in pitching, signing Chad Qualls ($3m), Lastings Milledge ($3m), Tim Lincecum ($3m) and Devern Hansack ($3m). This added more youth to an already young team. Clearly, GM John Forrest values good young talent, even if some may not be major league ready just yet.

Hopefully, he'll be able to keep his job long enough to see the players develop into everyday contributors. Rumors abound that he may already be on the hotseat, after allegations have surfaced naming him as a potential key player in Tommy Lasorda's prostitution syndicate.

Speaking of Bitch Pies: DLBP dropped suspected dope dealer Jason Giambi from the payroll. When asked to comment on his pending unemployment, Giambi responded with a mixture of grunts, incomplete verbal fragments and violent hand gestures that suggested he was either unhappy with the team's decision or that his backne was bothering him again.

Juan Gone: Lacey Underalls GM Mamma Jamms said goodbye to an old friend this morning, when she cut long time reliever Juan Rincon. "I be sure to miss dat boy, he sho' gotta mean arm and Ima sho' gonna miss his sweet ass. He don tickled my ivories mo' than once, if ya knows wha I mean," she said with a chortle.

"But dees heah newbies gonna fill right in for ol' Rin tinny tin, they sho is," Mamma Jamms continued as she introduced a somewhat dumbstruck Kiko Calero ($3m), Salomon Torres ($3m) and Austin Kearns ($3m) to the media as LU's newest faces. "I be talkin' to dees heah boys all mornin' long--havena I?--and there ain't no kinda way we be not winning it all. Dat boy Kiko has a tongue on him, like you wouldna believe. Dam, boy he do!" She enigmatically exclaimed, much to the consternation of the media.

A Bunch of Fecal: Not to be outdone, FC's GM announced the departure of veteran Kenny Lofton and young hurler Seth McClung. Both moves were somewhat curious as Christopher Sahl had expressed his excitement for both players as recently as the day before. However, it became clear that their departure made room for the much coveted Mike MacDougal ($3m) and phenom Kevin Kouzmanoff ($3m).

No Mo Good Times: In an expected move, Equipe cut ties with longtime closer Mariano Rivera. In a prepared statement, GM Nils Coq-au-Vin thanked Rivera for his “long commitment to Equipe.” However, sources within the team suggested that Rivera's insistance on taking all pitch calls directly from scripture, rather than the carefully prepared scouting report placed incredible tension on the pitcher-manager relationship. The last straw may have been Rivera's ubiquitous advertisements plastered throughout the NY-metro area that defiantly proclaimed "La Biblia es mi guida."

Es-Go-far: Kelvim Escobar, another charter member of Equipe was let go on Monday afternoon. When informed of the fact that the club cut him in order to convert his locker space into a team sauna and massage parlor, Escobar responded that he was happy, because "honestly, this place was getting really gay. I mean, when I got here it was a bunch of real [explitive] like Maggs [Ordonez] and JJ [Rollins]. I mean Maggs spent an hour on his hair and JJ shaved his knuckles, but at least their voices had broken. Now, it looks like backstage at an Nsync concert. Not that I know what that looks like, but you get the idea."

Déjà Vu: In a flurry of activity, Equipe reacquired a slew of young familiar faces: Dan Johnson ($3m), Jason Jennings ($3m) and Jeff Francis ($3m). All three players played for Equipe last season on rookie contracts, but had not been resigned at the end of the season. Only Johnson could be reached for comment on the transactions, "Where? Ugh, the hair on my legs only FINALLY grew back in."

Equipe also signed middle reliever Jesse Crain ($3m) and infielder Chris Burke ($3m) in the late afternoon. The team hopes the players will provide depth throughout the season.

Back to the Future: Banking on the future or grasping at straws? Equipe invested heavily in its farm system today, signing James Loney ($3m), Brandon Wood ($3m) and Scott Thorman ($3). Team officials hope these players will make an impact sooner rather than later, but it remains to be seen as to when they will actually see the field.

Daisuke Matsuzaka was clearly confused by the maneuvers. Presumably, thinking the new faces were bat boys or autograph seekers, he neglected to greet them with the appropriate bow and salutation customary for fellow major leaguers; rather through a translater he demanded they prepare his favorite song, "I'm Not a Girl", for the karaoke celebration that was to follow this evening's spring training game.

Come In, Come In: A reliable source reported that Equipe’s transactions were conducted in a particularly unorthodox manner. Due to conflicting schedules, GM Coq-au-Vin found himself enroute to Equipe’s spring training camp in San Francisco, CA and virtually incommunicado from league officials when the free agent period began. Thinking quickly, Coq-au-Vin texted longtime schoolboy friend, league commissioner Christopher Sahl a short wish list of signees.

“It was very nearly catastrophique,” an exasperated Coq-au-Vin said via satellite phone. “Comment dit-on? Ah yes, daylight savings c’est la merde. It nearly cost us three members d’Equipe who will be very important down la stretch…et peut-etre, my post ici a l’Equipe.”

“It really was nothing. I would do it for any member of the league,” explained commissioner Sahl. “Of course, it certainly didn’t hurt that it was my good friend Nils I owe him for all the incredible times he showed me in Paris. Ah, the city of love…” he continued, before trailing off.