Seen and Heard at LOWV Auction

Grand Occasion: Representatives from Equipe Roi du Radeau, Fecal Clatter, Lacey Underalls, Snaturals, Bonomatory Influence, Lasorda's Manicotti, The Mothership, Banana Belt, Poor Man's Fart travelled to Brooklyn yesterday to attend the first League of Women Voters player auction. El Guapo, Vicioius Rumors, D'lucious Bitch Pies, Flash and unBeleaguerable were unable to attend, but participated via various telecommunication devices. Although tedious and seemingly interminable at times, the overall success of the auction was a relief to Commissioner Christopher Sahl.

"I mean, I'm not going to lie to you, this was a tough transition and there were many critics. Sahl did an amazing job leading the LOWV into the future and silencing the various detractors who question whether an openly gay man can run a major professional sports league," commented an unnamed league source.

"I be so dam proud of dat dem boy...ain't he jus' da cat's pee-jamas, who cares if he like a lil' sausage now and den." exclaimed another source, who also wished to remain annonymous.

"Who the [explitive] gives a flying [explitive] who the [explitive] that little [explitive]-eating [explitive]-sucking [explitive]-pirate wants to [explitive], [explitive] or [explitive]. We all have our [explitive] weaknesses and sexual tastes...don't you think I [explitive] know that. [Explitive], everyone knows that about me now. All I [explitive] know, is that that little bitch-[explitive] can run a [explitive] league," said another off the record.

Wise Investment?: It didn't take long for Equipe to break the bank. In a flurry of checkbooks and uncontrolled lust, Equipe threw down $60m to attract three top hurlers. Within the first two hours of the auction, Equipe's intrepid Director had landed Daisuke Matsuzaka ($21m), Chris Carpenter ($21m) and Jason Schmidt ($18), three frontline starters that will join Danny Haren, Kelvim Escobar and Chad Billingsley in one of the most expensive, if not most fearsome starting rotations in the league. However, not all league observers were so impressed with the move.

"Who the [expletive] spends $80m on their motha' [expletive] [expletive] [expletive] rotation," quipped Tommy Lasorda when reached for comment. "Everyone [expletive] knows that those [expletive]-assed [expletive]-eating [expletive]-clowns get hurt every other [expletive] day." While conventional wisdom certainly agrees with Lasorda, Equipe has long been known as anything but conventional.

Vlady Dadi, He Likes to Party: Vlad Guerrero became the highest paid player in league history yesterday, when he signed an unprecedented $30m contract with Vicious Rumors. While no one in the VR front office could be reached for comment, many around the league were awed by the astronomical figure.

"Boy, dem dere numbas sho' be crazy," Lacey Underall's Mama Jams said after being informed of the signing. The notoriously tightfisted GM concluded, "Dey straight tippin' ova yonda. We don't play like dat ova' here."However, while some may question the wisdom of investing so much money into a single player, few can deny the production and benefit of signing an unparalleled talent like Vlad.

Mark-cash-ish: In even more stunning news, Nick Markakis fielded a stunning $18m contract in his first year in free agency. After being cut by Equipe after a disappointing performance in the playoffs, the young outfielder has become one of the highest paid players in the league. While he fielded contract offers like a veteran gold glover, he may make one team look foolish if he fails to live up to his potential.

Equipe No Mo?: Sources inside the Equipe war room suggest that inveterate closer and charter member of the organization, Mariano Rivera may get his walking papers sometime next week -- perhaps as soon as Monday morning. It appears the $21m left on his contract could be better spent providing much needed depth to a roster that has more holes to fill than a Czech bath house.

Silent But Deadly: Perhaps the biggest steals of the auction came late in the evening. As other teams began to grind down and lose their luster, several GMs jumped into the fray.

Most notably of these was Fecal Clatter's GM, Christopher Sahl,who swooped in late to sign perennial All-Star Victor Martinez for a pedestrian $8m and rookie phenom Chris B. Young for $1m.

"I knew everyone else was just a bunch of weak-kneed polly-annas who couldn't wait to blow their loads and if I just held tight and waited it out I could get some serious value for my cash," bragged Sahl. When asked where he developed this strategy, Sahl conceded that it came to him one late night at the Golden Banana in Peabody, MA. "I mean, everyone else was just throwing $20s at the warm up acts and, well, to put it frankly, just getting just too excited for some juco skanks -- any man worth his salt knows that the cuter strippers come out later, and there's a good chance you'll get lucky if you have some cash left for them at the end of the night."

Other teams that utilized this strategy to good effect were Vicious Rumors, Snaturals, Lasorda's Manicotti and Bonomatory Influence, all of which walked away from the auction with numerous top notch talent at bargain basement prices. Most notable of these deals were Eric Chavez for $1m (LM), Mark Buerle for $1 (Snaturals) Tim Hudson for $1m (BI) and Troy Tulowitzki for $3 (VR).

Mothership's Maiden Voyage: Perhaps taking Sahl's advice too literally, neophyte GM Mike Jones of The Mothership showed up to the auction noticeably hungover and worse for wear. Despite being unable to rise from his Victorian sedan, the expansion team was able to make some serious noise in the auction. Signing veterans like Andruw Jones and John Smoltz, the HMS Badass was able to quickly establish itself as a force to be reckoned with in the upcoming season. Unfortunately, the team ran out of money before it was able to field a complete squad, which may force them to make some difficult decisions in the next couple days. Observed: At one point Jones dismissed closer Houston Street as "not worth [the money]" due to the incredibly tight nature of his pants, ("that [expletive] just ain't natural") yet was later heard to admire the manly way Pat Burrell's physique fills out his uniform.

El Crapo: Notably silent during yesterday's auction was El Guapo's GM Rich Garces. Sure, the team did land Alex Rodriquez for $27m and Mark Teixeira for $26m, but for the most part the team seemed content to merely sit on their hands. Perhaps, it was stage fright or an inability to truly grasp the concept of an auction, but the expansion team made very few moves on auction day. However, all is not lost for the team, for there are many solid free agents available on the market and the team has plenty of money in their coffers. ($65m to be exact)

Poor Man's Start: Mired in tough financial straights, PMF's GM made a blunder when he signed Todd Helton to a mammoth $14m contract. The surprising signing handcuffed the impoverished club for the remainder of the auction and effectively ended their chances at filling other holes in their roster.

When asked about how he felt about the Helton signing, PMF's usually demurre GM Robert Walls erupted, "That's the dumbest [expletive] question I've ever heard. I've explained it a thousand times. I [expletive] up. I took Todd Helton. Does that make you happy? I don't know what else you want me to say. I [expletive] up. Write it. I [expletive] up, for the fifth time ... It has been written about. It has been talked about; don't shake your [expletive] head, you asked a question. I'm telling you how I feel about it. I took Todd Helton for $14m."

unBeleaguerable Blunder: GM Chad Adams either broke down under the stress of the marathon-like auction session or he inadvertently traveled back to the spring of 1999. Roughly halfway through the draft, Adams exclaiming "he's been pitching well lately" seconds after signing Pedro Martinez to a $10m deal. When he was later informed that Martinez is sidelined indefinitely after shoulder surgery and may not return until late in the season, Adams noticeably lost his cool and emitted an audible and unmistakeably girlish yelp to the amusement of the other GMs in attendance. Ironically, Adams also signed the seemingly indestructable Roger Clemens to a $9m deal.

Lyle Not so Over-payed: Perhaps the player most effected by the market was veteran first baseman, Lyle Overbay. After putting up a career year for third-place Equipe last season, the Centralia, WA native expected to cash in and improve on his $13m a year contract. Unfortunately, a messy divorce filled with rumors of impotency, unconvential sexual preferences and deviant behavior on and off the field caused his market value to plummet dramatically. When informed by his agent that the best offer on the table was a $4m contract to return to Equipe, almost 70% less than he made the year before, Lyle became noticeably unhinged. Despite his agents efforts to spin Overbay's violent reaction as "slight disappointment" few could have missed the numerous and specific threats he made regarding his soon to be ex-agent. Equipe's GM could not be reached for comment, but sources within the league suspect they may have intervened in Overbay's private life.