Shortpants XXI -- The Salad Days

This week, Mike welcomes FC and PMF.  Shortpants discusses holiday waistband-busting, pseudonyms and Hall of Fame voting.  Among other topics.  Happy holidays, losers!

Shortpants XXI

Shortpants XX -- Sugar Water

Shortpants goes Double-X with another interruption-free romp through topics LOWV and intergalactic. In this week's whirligig, Mike welcomes PMF, FC and LU to a scintillating discussion of topics past, present and fyutnuh.

Riled up by winter meetings and a pre-show visit from Mr. Baseball Himself, our esteemed panel parses (among other topics) contract slots, the MLB hot stove, when and how regularly to shave beav, and whether to wear a hemp necklace while trying to seduce a college buddy into a protoplasm exchange after a post-MIB roast in the parking lot.

You know the difference between you and Mike? Mike makes this look good.

Shortpants XX

Shortpants XIX -- Mike and the Madman

The offseason seems to bring the best of our Shortpants heroes. Freed from the demands of the LOWV season and desperate to fill airtime, personal confessions reign supreme.

Unfortunately, the producer fucked it up.

While the baseball hot stove chatter amongst PMF, The 'Ship and FC is sparkling, it pales in comparison to the individual revelations that have been lost in the digital ether.

Ever wonder which regular contributor waxes bush? Who has been told -- in a post-coital embrace -- "you remind me of my brother"? Who is The Madman, and does he get h*gh? Only the beginning.

Talkin' revelations; going at it as hard as they can. And the producer fucked it up.

Another day...

Shortpants Episode XIX

Shortpants XVIII -- Offseason Follies

Episode XVIII

Video Recap of LOWV's 2007 Season

Shortpants XVII -- Perseverance Pays Off

After months of sober weeknight analysis, Shortpants gets mightily shined up for a 5AM recording that touches every topic in its wide spectrum of analysis. This week, Mike is joined by BB, FC and LU. Equal time is given to LOWV playoff management, a preview of the upcoming football show, how to tactfully deal with accidents and the gentle art of closing a deal on the phone to a reluctant buyer. This episode is without precedent.

Highlights: LM explains his the "streaking/slumping" strategy that led to his regular season dominance; BB predicts the Patriots will beat the Jets 38-14 (!); Fran the Tan gets dragged through the mud; and the most expansive, intimate Mike's Relationship Advice segment goes into overtime as the host is left speechless with the realization that BB's perseverance on the fantasy baseball diamond extends into his personal life.

Shortpants XVIII

Notes from Around the League: PMF GM Disrespects unB

Shortpants XVII -- White Hot

Lickety split, Shortpants is back in the studio to discuss the final days of the regular season. Mike is joined by FC and PMF as they discuss the stress of competing for a final playoff spot and the sick delight of spoiling someone's dream of playoff success. There's no better recipe for killing an hour of nail-biting than kicking back and chilling with the Shortpants gang. The highlight arrives with some of the tensest minutes in radio history, as Mothership explains that the purpose of his whole season has come down to knocking PMF out of the playoffs in their matchup this week.

The pennant race. It's white hot.

Episode XVII

Shortpants XVI -- The Pies Have It

Pie fight!!! This week Mike welcomes D'Lucious Bitch Pies to the studio to take the LOWV pulse in Hollywood. He's joined by LU and FC as they discuss all things baseball (fantasy and otherwise) and relationships (fantasy and otherwise).

We also learn what would happen to an episode if our host was unexpectedly called away from his duties during the recording. Radio gold, if a sick dog had shat on said gold.

Shortpants XVI

Episode XV--A Toast To El Guapo

This week Mike welcomes his go-to punching bag El Guapo for a fascinating episode of Shortpants. Neil's Team and FC join the discussion as they probe the twisted mind of a Giants fan, an upstart contender, a conflicted soul who's an unabashed veteran lover and a Jeremy Hermida proponent, and a dude with the least interesting favorite players imaginable.
And remember when the compact disc became the dominant recording medium? And there was nothing hipper than for a band to bury a not-quite-good-enough-to-be-on-the-album-but-sure-to-be-appreciated-by-hardcore-fans song as a hidden track? Us neither. But our grandpa told us it was cool as shit.

Episode XVa
Episode XVb

Shortpants XIV -- Let's Rake A Deal

After three weeks of becoming increasingly unhinged, argumentative and side-tracked, Shortpants goes back to its roots with a stripped-down hour of non-stop, fast-paced analysis of the MLB trade deadline and all the hottest trade rumors circulating around the LOWV.

This week, Mike is joined by FC and PMF as the Shortpants Radio Show once again returns to the hour-long format.

Topics include:

-The pennant hinges on Chipper?

-Upcoming LOWV roster management deadlines clarified

-In-depth analysis of LU/Equipe and LM/Snatty deals

-Motions for a moritorium on the Lee/Hill Affair

-How PMF got Fryed on the gridiron

-The relative value of a pitching coach who can communicate with white guys

Episode XIV

Programming note: In order to get this out to the fans for weekend drive time, there is no intro for this episode.

Shortpants XIII -- The Reckoning

A rip-snorting Shortpants this week that is perhaps the most esoteric and contentious episode yet. Mike welcomes the general managers from FC, LU, PMF, Neil’s Team and special guest Bonomatory Influence to the studio this week to discuss a wide range of topics, which include:

Insight into winning fantasy strategy the Bonomatory way;
Native Americans in baseball;
A debate the implementation of a minor league draft, wherein both sides agree that it’d be awesome so they argue about it in high volume at great length;
Is DLBP the best team in the LOWV?;
How federal prosecutors only take cases with high conviction rates to bolster their careers in courtrooms where a jury would never convict;
Is it possible to take a shitty picture of Joshua Tree National Park and profit on it?

Dig in and hold tight.

Part I

Part II

Episode XII -- Let's Play Three!

Inspired by the unrelenting genius of Michael "Don't Call Me Jason" Bay. And Ernie Banks.

An explosive, superficial, star-studded three-hour thrill ride!!!!!

Weekday Shortpants!

The result is arguably the most cogent episode to date. Mothership & Co. (Neil's Team, FC, PMF) provide a super-sized episode to get you through the lean times.

A dazzling first hour gives way to two uninterrupted 50+ minute segments. When discussing "not-to-be-missed!" at your next stuffy pool party, here be your ammo.

Topics include:

DLBP's not-so-subtle admission of love for our host;

a re-examination of current standings;

profound insight into the trappings of fame;

ripping T. La Ru a new Pujol!

Not to mention the developing humor-off between the Hollywood Stars and ERdR's continued self-fellating for unearthing El Guapo!!!!

And in the rare and always controversial movie review segment, The Mothership subconsciously wishes Snatty was there to discuss Transformers!!

Live. Listen. Love. Learn.

I
II
III

Episode XI -- Turbocharged!!

West side! California dreamer Neil Corcoran (Neil's Team) comes calling this week and joins Mike Jones (Mothership) and correspondents from Lacey Underalls and Poor Man's Fart. What the panel lacks in foresight -- power failures occasionally interrupt poignant thoughts and fart jokes -- they deliver in appalling slander and eloquent bigotry.

Episode XI

Bountiful Shortpants

Shortpants completes episode X. Mike Jones is joined by Robert Walls, Nick Lombardi and Chris Sahl for another scintellating discussion. There is also a bonus lo-fi prequel feat. Rick Kentz which is now available.

Shortpants Episode X

Episode X: The Prequel

Shortpants IX -- Shortpants Awakens

Shortpants Radio Show returns after a long hibernation. In this episode, shocking in its sensible, sober analysis, your host Mike Jones (Mothership) is joined by Rob Walls (PMF) and Nick Lombardi (LU) as they catch up on all that's transpired in the baseball worlds fantasy and actual during the show's summer hiatus. Rather than listen to the show and offer highlights, seems best to get this bad boy out there ASAP.

A programming note: Have been working to reconcile peoples' access concerns. The embedded streaming media player caused slow load times for some of our listeners. Archive.org seems the best solution. The below link offers options to stream or download in several different sizes. Plus, unlike sendspace, which apparently erases files after a period of inactivity, I remember downloading concerts from archive.org in 1999 that are undoubtedly still hosted here.

Shortpants IX

Episode VIII -- Brought To You By The Letter "B"

This week, host Mike Jones is joined by featured correspondent Nick Lombardi, producer Chris Sahl and senior contributor Rob Walls.

Among the highlights: Rob falls off the bench, Nick reviews his trip to Greece, Chris confuses Kenny G and Yanni, and Mike's relationship advice segment discusses effective deflection when confronted about BBW charges on a couple's credit card statement.

This episode is so fast-paced someone falls asleep during the show.

Episode VIII

Another Bloated Summer Blockbuster Released

Anxiety Over Radio Show Appearance Fells Lasorda

Just like a summer blockbuster that needs three hours to justify its exhorbitant price tag and cavalcade of stars, this very special episode of the Shortpants Radio Show carried on for an unprecedented running time. The file servers at LOWV headquarters collapsed under the weight of the brilliance and hilarity contained within the show, necessitating a trilogical release.

Present in the studio at various points: Host Mike Jones (The Mothership), featured contributor Rob Walls (Poor Man's Fart), producer Chris Sahl (Fecal Clatter), traveling correspondent Rick Kentz (The Banana Belt), commentator Andrew Beaton (Lasorda's Manicotti), brewer Chad Adams (unBeleaguerable) and guest movie critic James Aborn (The Snaturals).

Among the topics discussed: PMF debates the trade value of Baltimore middle reliever Jamie Walker; Mothership argues for the repeal of several statutory rape laws; Lasorda's becomes violently ill; unBeleaguerable fails at several attempted side conversations; Fecal Clatter debunks alleged secret codes sent by L'Equipe Roi du Radeau; Banana Belt advocates for the statistical changes and elucidates the fantasy value of Craig Biggio's 3000th hit; we learn that Snaturals speaks only when spoken to; and joey Buttofuoco ends up crashing on the futon for a week.

Too much has already been said. Kick back, fire up your director's cut DVD of Das Boot on mute (stoners the world around are already noting that the episode links up perfectly with the Wolfgang Petersen oontersea masterpiece), and find a comfy seat for Episode VII. What a ride.

The show can be downloaded at the links below:
Part I
Part II
Part III

LM Owner Poisoned in Brooklyn!

LOWV subterfuge reached a new low this past weekend: Lasorda's Manicotti owner Andrew Beaton was poisoned during a visit to the LOWV Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. Although he is expected to make a full and complete recovery, LM agents are turning over trash cans and lurking in alleys all across the nation in a relentless quest to find out the identity of the perpetrator.

Beaton, who is also known by many pseudonyms including Dick Beatonian, R.F. Between, and Redstick I. Hayes, scrupulously maintains a low profile and has hired a legion of carrot topped body doubles to avoid the wrath of the many GMs he has humiliated on the LOWV playing field. He even eschews the urban living styles of many league owners, holing up in an oceanside compound north of Boston, protected by a small army of Amazon bodyguards. However, he let his guard down on an ill-advised visit to NYC, and traveled without an armed escort or, most crucially, his personal food taster Habib.

The dastardly poison was administered in a bowl of pistachio spumoni from L+B Spumoni Gardens in Bensonhurst. The friendly waiter who served the assortment of LOWV GMs turned quiet and surly halfway through the meal, and delivered spumoni to the table only reluctantly. Shortly after eating the poisoned spumoni, and halfway through the first segment of a taping of Short Pants Radio Hour, Beaton began to feel faint and lost feeling in his extremities. He staggered to the filthy Clermont bathroom and vacated the contents of his digestive system. Beaton was found in a fetal stance, moments from death. After re-reading the Kelsey Picknell issue of Speak Out!, the rest of the GMs decided to save him.

Miraculously, a tall glass of homebrew from unBeleaguerable's Chad Adams brought Beaton back from the brink of the afterlife. Tests at the nearby Brooklyn Hospital Center revealed that the tainted spumoni contained a small but potent dose of a poison from an Australian tree frog that is generally fatal when ingested, and for which the only known antidote is seaweed infused with hydrogen. By sheer coincidence, this very combination is present in Adams' fortuitous brew, which is sold in DC bodegas under the name "Menage a Qua".

The list of suspects in the attempted assassination is nearly as long as the list of people who have cursed Beaton and wished for his untimely demise. PMF owner Bobby Walls led the expedition to L+B, making him an obvious suspect. However, legendary friend-datee Liz was present at the fateful meal, and since Walls is on the record saying "she makes me want to be a better man," his involvement is thought to be marginal at most. Snaturals owner Major Beans is a known rival of LM and was also in attendance at the Spumoni Gardens - but he was busy textmessaging his lady love E-ink Eva during the entire meal. Commissioner C. Dave Sahl was also present, and the waiter's suspicious behavior had all the hallmarks of a Blackwater family-napping, but Beaton (or one of his body doubles) was spotted with Sahl at Sunday's Red Sox-Orioles game, using the power of his legendary rally cap to emotionally castrate Chris Ray and help FC to a tie. Thus, it seems LM management has already exonerated the Commish.

According to internet rumors and off-the-record sources, a major suspect in the ongoing investigation is Equipe founder Nels Coq au Vin, who may have been hoping to off his then-opponent merely to help his floundering team move up in the standings. When the poisoning took place, ERdR was locked in a 9-8 struggle with LM, but after Beaton's recovery, the Manicotti put a serious 12-6 thrashing on Equipe. Coq au Vin is renowned for his ruthlessness and skulduggery, most notoriously convincing Mama Jams' lesbian lover Kelly to participate in deeds of evil trickery. Few LOWV insiders would put it past Coq au Vin to murder an opponent for a few extra games in the standings. One LOWV luminary has already pointed the finger of blame: Tommy Lasorda issued a statement reading, "No fucking doubt that Neil's team is behind the attempted murder of our glorious owner! You dirty lowdown fatherfuckers! I'm gonna tell my buddy Jesus Christ about this!"

A compelling alternative theory is that of mistaken identity. Due to their use of a complimentary certificate, the manager of the Spumoni Gardens mistook the GMs for Rachael Ray's husband's band. Since this band is known to suck, with such forgettable numbers as "It Burns When I'm Inside You", it is entirely possible that L+B management decided to spare the universe any further musical torment by executing one or more of its members.

Approached for comment, The Mothership's Mike Jones scoffed at the idea that Beaton had even been poisoned in the first place. "Dooooooooood...I think he was just scared shitless being on Short Pants for the first time. He couldn't handle the pressure and fell apart like DLBP on a Sunday. I bet he's already complaining about this shit. He's like that kid in high school who gets straight A's and whines and cries when he gets an A minus."

Short Pants Radio Hour Ep 6

A shorthanded but enthousiastic crew attacks the weeks biggest issues. Short Pants returns with its sixth episode. Sahl (FC), Jones (Mothership) and Kentz (BB) are in the studio. Walls (PMF) and Lombardi (LU) are on assignment.

Highlights: Gang discusses the Mets; speculate on Clemens; Sahl slobs on Lincecum’s nob then reveals his love for Wang; Hunter Pence is outed as a goofy looking Jeff Weaver; Equipe gets nod for wily use of pitch and ditch strategy; Jones provides further proof his is an illiterate bastard; rampant speculation on the future of Nathan; gang answers some mailbag; names Reyes early season MVP; Jones complains about the alimony he pays Equipe for Delgado.

Game-Fixing Scandal Rocks LOWV:Mitchell Commission to Investigate Sahl

Brooklyn, New York – The sports world is talking about the game-fixing scandal rocking the League of Women Voters. The Mitchell Commission has vowed to investigate charges that former Fecal Clatter GM and current LOWV Commissioner Christopher David Sahl rigged the outcome of several baseball games through the use of and threat of violence against players and their families.

The charges stem from the LOWV matchup between Fecal Clatter and Equipe Roi du Radeau during the week of April 30th to May 6th. In Thursday’s installment of the series, Lugo was stationed at the infield position for FC while Daisuke Matsuzaka took the mound for Equipe.

In the span of one inning, Lugo committed several gaffes that led to a 35-pitch, 5-run inning for young Matsuzaka. After Matsuzaka, squeezed by an overzealous home plate umpire, walked the first three batters, Lugo had a routine grounder hit to his right side. Rather than turn the routine double play, Lugo elected to throw out the lead runner at third. On the two subsequent batters, he botched a simple grounder to his left side and a shallow pop up just outside the infield. These blunders caused five runs to score and ended any chance Matsuzaka had at a quality start.

Immediately following the game, Equipe GM Nils Coq au Vin filed a complaint with league officials. However, the league commissioner was unresponsive. Christopher Sahl, the commissioner and former FC GM, called the charges preposterous and baseless.

“The Commissioner’s office is dedicated to providing the most competitive, fair and balanced league in the world. Any charges of impropriety are absurd in the extreme.”

A visibly worn out, yet relieved Lugo made the following statement to the throng of reporters surrounding his locker: “I’ll just be happy to see my family again. I was definitely nervous out there. I can not tell you how much pressure I felt. But, I did what I had to do.” Lugo then quickly boarded the Commissioner’s private Gulfstream. Lugo refused to comment on where he was headed, but sources within FC suggested the plane was headed to Blackwater’s compound in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.


Little is known about Blackwater. Formed in 1997 by Sahl to provide training support to military and law enforcement organizations, it has been accused of being nothing more than a mercenary outfit operating under the color of U.S. authority. Blackwater USA is sometimes described by its critics as "soldiers of fortune."

The Blackwater compound sits on land that was formerly part of the US military base in Guantanamo Bay and contains an imposing military bunker. While the land was officially sold to Blackwater as part of a deal with the US government, Sahl, as CEO and president of the nation’s largest private military and security company often uses it as a private retreat. However, despite its reported use as “hosting corporate retreats”, locals report that American military planes often land on the property in the middle of the night and deposit bound and blindfolded prisoners into the custody of Blackwater’s heavily armed personnel. This has led to the speculation that Lugo’s family is being held hostage as collateral ensuring cooperation.

This is not the first time charges have been leveled against the Commissioner’s office for match fixing. In the heat of the 2006 playoffs, longtime Banana Belt catcher and captain, Victor Martinez, rocked the sports world when he alleged Sahl had threatened his life. Martinez claimed Sahl demanded he “throw the series or he’d be sorry.”

While those charges were never proven, Martinez later left BB and signed with FC for substantially less money. These suspicious circumstances have long fueled speculation that Sahl used ethically questionable tactics to strong-arm opponents, coerce free agent signings and motivate his roster.

The truth may never come to light. However, the Mitchell Commission has vowed to get to the heart of the matter. Many league insiders welcomed the news. One spoke under condition of anonymity, “It would be hard for them to duplicate his combination of baseball knowledge and interests, and his experience with criminal investigations and prosecutions. The guy has investigated and prosecuted dozens and dozens of crimes. I never met a bigger straight arrow.”

Matsuzaka seemed visibly shaken by the news. While he was initially irate at Lugo's inability to field simple ground balls, he seemed to calm down immediately after a brief conversation with a LOWV official. After the whispered conversation, Matsuzaka refused to comment on the matter, but instead chose to deflect attention from it and speak repeatedly about his love for his wife and his hopes to see her again soon.

Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, it is clear that the LOWV will never be the same.

PMF BREAKDOWN

Overheard Around the LOWV...

A new fun feature at the LOWV Blog. Recent actual quotes from players around the league. No additional words have been added between the quotation marks.

"I asked him, 'Are you OK?' and I heard him say, 'My arm, my arm!' " El Guapo third-sacker Mike Lowell said after injuring Banana Belt designated hitter Mike Piazza on his flashy head-first slide into third. "I was like, 'Let me just get out of here.' What am I going to do, hug him?"

"I guess I hit his 'honey hole,'" El Guapo ace Ben Sheets said after giving up a bomb to Lacey Underalls outfielder Chris Duncan. "He put a charge in that one."

"Lately, I've been getting real bigheaded about myself," The Flash’s reliever Joel Zumaya said modestly. "I've been falling into a little trap -- 'Oh, it's Zumaya Time, these guys can't hit me' -- instead of going out there and doing what I (was) doing last year."

"It's embarrassing," Josh Towers – whose perennial piece-of-shit pitching will never get him a whiff of an LOWV roster -- lamented after giving up a bomb to the decrepit Vicious Rumors slugger Sammy Sosa. "I know how many homers he's hit, but he's got so many holes [in his swing]."

“The weekend finally came to an end, and I was able to do some very exciting things. Earlier this past week I got a flat on my Denali and had to have someone come and replace the vehicle so the tire could be fixed. Even though I have only been in the new Denali for about a month, I have already grown accustomed to my new car and was looking forward to getting it back. The car was returned on Friday,” Equipe centerfielder Curtis Granderson wrote on his blog, proving that he’s as big of a barrel of laughs as his dowdy general manager. “The next exciting thing I did was Sunday after our game: I headed to Wal-Mart to buy a few basic things for my apartment and a few snacks.”

Banana Belt set-up specialist Pat Neshek chimed in on his own blog: “I gotta start to get some of my new cards up under the “baseball cards” section. I have been slacking and don’t even have my AAA cards up there yet. I was also wondering the other day if there is anyway or if anyone knows how to make a website where people can add to say a checklist for all my #599 Topps Chrome Rookie Card. I thought it would be really neat to get a checklist of every number and see where and who has these cards.”

"Yeah, next time instead of moving it, I might just wheel it," said former Poor Man's Fart reliever Bob Howry said after injuring his back moving the grill on his patio. "I didn't want to take the cover off to use the wheels, so I just picked it up." Long frustrated by Howry's laziness, the incident proved the final straw for PMF, who summarily released the grillmeister.

Said Tom Glavine about The Flash's befuddling pitching strategy: "It adds a little bit of craziness to the mix. You'd love nothing better than to come in here everyday and know whose pitching. ...That's not the case. If the guy you bring in here has a bad game, or a bad couple of games, yeah, there's a little bit of 'Who's pitching tonight?'"

"I'm here to get my fair share of money," Lacey Underalls’ extraordinary closer Jonathan Papelbon said. "My main priority is to stay healthy and be able to make money, not to go out and try and hurry up and win a championship this year (at the risk of injury). I've got a lot of money to be made in this game, whether it's with [the Lacey Underalls] or not. My goal is to make sure I'm ready to play every day and to make money, and you can't make money if you're sitting on the bench.”

“It was a tough week for me,” The Snaturals outfielder Torii Hunter rationalized acting like a pussy and shutting down his charge of the mound after getting a faceball to the face. “I’ve been in the champagne scandal, the Jackie Robinson comments. And I thought about all of that and said, ‘Man I can’t give anybody else something to talk about.’ So I just shut it down.”

"Sometimes, it does bother you," Flash’s Ian Snell said about his poor run support.

"Being cold, it's tough to get warmed up. Sometimes, it's the windy days, the wind blowing in your eyes, and different kind of stuff," whined Lasorda’s Manicotti’s Ryan Howard about his slow start to the season.


Some favorite baseball-related YouTube clips laying around.

David Ortiz plays badminton:

Lee Elia’s tirade, my personal favorite. FYI: Extremely profane:

Another Japanese pitcher gets the shit scared out of him:

Finally, we’ve already enjoyed the greatest baseball highlight of all time, but I still can’t find a clip of arguably the second-best: when a crippled 40-year-old Bill Buckner hit an 45-second inside-the-park homer during his brief 1990 comeback with the Red Sox after Claudell Washington fell into the stands and broke his leg. If anyone finds it, please send it to me immediately and make my week.

Elias Releases April SOS and RPI

San Francisco, CA -- The Elias Sports Bureau has released the strength of schedule and RPI for the first month of LOWV action. The strength of schedule (SOS) was calculated by tabulating the winning percentage of all the opponents faced thus far.

The RPI, on the other hand, was calculated using a much more complex formula. This formula is actually the same one employed by the NCAA in determining the seeding for the Division I basketball tournament. The details of this formula are confidential.

A spokesman from Elias was quick to point out that this early in the season, the numbers are less predictive than indicative. However, a few key items jump out from the numbers. The RPI is especially "fuzzy" this early into the season as it correlates so strongly to the winning percentage. It will only reflect really bad losses and really strong wins. Thus only DLBP flipped with Snats in the RPI standings vs the actual standings. SOS, on the other hand, is a fairly useful number as it quantifies clearly the guantlet that each team has faced thus far.

The first of these is the brutal schedule of tough teams some teams have faced. Banana Belt (.528), unBeleaguerable (.541) and DLBP (.561) have faced some of the toughest SOS in the month of April. These teams squared off against teams who held an winning percentage well above .500. However, while BB rose the challenge, it appears the burden was far too much for DLBP and unBeleaguerable in the early going.

Conversely, FC (.462) and El Guapo (.466) have enjoyed an incredibly easy schedules thus far, with only Mothership (.456) facing more dandelions. However, El Guapo and FC have certainly taken the opportunity to open up the season on a tear whereas Mothership has flaundered in mediocrity while fine tuning its lineup.

Something to look out for in the near future, is a surge from LM (.490), Equipe (.494), VR (.492) and LU (.490) who have all faced relatively difficult schedules in the early going. LU has outpaced the others due to a hot start from its roster. The others have been mired in various hitting slumps and injuries, causing them to play .500 ball to start the LOWV. However, should the luck shift and the schedules even out a bit, these teams could move up in May.

Yet, in the end, the numbers may do little more than reinforce what was already clear to many. Perhaps the next set up numbers at the end of May will be more enlightening.

Equipe Hopes DeJesus Saves, Ship All 'bout the Hamiltons

San Francisco, CA -- As rampant speculation swirled around Equipe’s executive office as to whether the long time GM was on the hot seat, La Grande Moustache exhibited his trademark Gallic resolve with what may turn out to be an eleventh hour trade. In the late hours of Monday night, Equipe and Mothership agreed to a four-player trade involving rookie phenom Josh Hamilton and veteran slugger Carlos Delgado.

Equipe agreed to send Josh Hamilton and Lyle Overbay to Mothership in exchange for Carlos Delgado and David DeJesus, with the expansion team agreeing to eat $4m on Delgado’s exorbitant $17m contract.

Nils commented on the trade as being fair and balanced. Noting that while he loved the raw potential of Hamilton and the consistency of Overbay (whom he inexplicably referred to affectionately as “mon petit Chou Chou”), he felt the team needed a shake up after the slow start to the season.

Mothership’s GM, Mike Jones, was unavailable for comment at press time as he had accompanied Shipmates Kalil Greene and Carlos Silva to a Hilary Duff concert at MSG.

Delgado was not surprised by the news.

“That punk ass, excuse me…pardon my language, [Mike] Jones has been putting my ass out on the trading block for weeks now. He never hid the fact he was disappointed with my start. I mean, who wouldn’t be, I’m batting .187. But, hell, I didn’t have to hear about it on the radio. That’s just disrespectful.”

Hamilton, on the other hand, seemed somewhat out of sorts when he received the news.

“Wait…what? I’m going where? [sniff] When? Damn. [sniff] Alright, I got to sort some things out before I head over there. [sniff] You know, make sure my people know where I’m at and such. I got things going on here, and you know my shit is straight now. HOT DAMN! Brooklyn here I come. I’m the king of the [expletive] world!” Hamilton rambled, oscillating between elation, disappointment and confusion. All the while, his foot tapped furiously on the floor, seemingly keeping beat to the symphony of his emotions.

Hamilton later offered to sell his “lucky bat” for a "sawbuck", claiming he forgot his wallet that morning and really needed the cash to call his sick grandmother and give "him" the news. Subsequent research revealed both of Hamilton’s grandmothers died in the later half of the 1990s.

Overbay’s initial reaction was relief, until he heard the details of the deal.

“To be honest, I’ll be glad to get out of Equipe’s lockerroom. No disrespect to them or how they do their thing…I mean they generally win games, but some weird stuff went down. Also, I was getting sick of Josh [Hamilton] always pawning off my gear to call his grandmother. I realize she’s sick and all, but he could at least ask before…WAIT, what? He’s coming to the Ship too? Oh…I see. Well, I’m sure we both just needed a fresh start on a new team. Right? That usually helps with these sorts of things.”

DeJesus seemed the most distraught by the news. The Brooklyn native seemed genuinely hurt that his boyhood team had sent him across the country despite repeated assurances from Jones that he was definitely not on the market. While, he refused to comment on the trade, his cousin and self-proclaimed manager Lil Mickey was more than willing to go on the record.

“Yeah, my boy won’t too happy bout it at first, you know, being as he’s leaving Brooklyn—in the HOUSE, represent!—and all, but he realizes this could be a big thing. That team all fagged out in Cali, but they always making runs at the title. He gonna bust ass and be the number one stunna at leadoff. No doubt. For reals. Peace. Out.”

Team captain, Delmon Young had a measured response to the trade announcement.

“Dat’s cool. I guess. Didn’t like that Hamilton guy anyways. Always tweakin and hangin round my locker all geeked out and [expletive]. Hella crazy. I do got one thing to say doh, DeJesus got a good thing going and all, but if he even think he gonna take my leadoff spot…hell, Ima gonna choke that bitch ass out.”

In the end, this may be the last move by Mssr. Coq au Vin. While he has weathered many storms before, there are reports circulating that ownership can not stomach the losing skid—especially, considering Equipe was beaten by both expansion teams during that streak.

Short Pants Radio Hour: Five Alive

After a quick turnaround, Short Pants returns with its fifth episode. Sahl (FC) and Lombardi (LU) return from their trip to Fenway to join Jones (Mothership) and Walls (PMF) in the studio. Kentz (BB) is on assignment down at his Tidewater A club. Guest Paul Basil sits in to provide rational insight and perspective.

Highlights: Yank's bipolar nature is discussed; Jones revists his predictions vis a vis Kei Igawa; Lombardi and Sahl dimiss Bloody Sox-gate while Walls laughs at the homerism; Lombardi exposes his giant whipped vagina; El Guapo is dismissed by Sahl; Walls wonders how many drinks it would take to get Looper into bed with him; Sahl discusses puss-dripping boners; Jones announces pending trade with Equipe; Lombardi compares it to the first time you finger a girl; Walls invokes eminent domain and claims dominion over all discussion on all things Mets; David Wright gets dumped on by the gang culminating in Sahl confessing he would consider a straight up trade offer for Ty Wiggington; the gang's discussion of Shawn Green's faith sets off alarm bells in Anti-Defamation League offices across the country; Walls takes issue with the spelling of Torii Hunter's name; Jones admits he enjoyed watching him get hit in the face with a faceball; clubbing "Athens-style" is defined for everyone's benefit; Sahl's hubris knows no bounds; Jones reads letter from Tommy Lasorda.

Short Pants Radio Hour: Ep 4

Short Pants returns with a short-handed crew. Kentz (Banana Belt), Jones (Mothership) and Walls (PMF) yack about various topics while Lombardi (Lacey Underalls) and Sahl (FC) are conspicuously absent. Without their intrepid producer, the hosts displayed a much more freewheeling style, peppered with various, colorful rants by Walls.

Highlights: Jones mangles the pronunciation of Equipe; Kentz admits to "pulling a Lasorda" on Arroyo; Walls rips into Adams (unBeleaguerable); Kentz admits that he never banged Ivanca Trump while at Georgetown; Jones and Walls discuss Kentz' perspirational issues; Jones gets the gangs take on various transactions around the LOWV; Walls complains about ARod's fruity issues; the show culminates in a collective jerk circle to the Mets while wondering what ever happened to poor David Wright's swing.

LOWV Tragedy

Historic Beaning Brings Tragedy to Banana Belt Clubhouse
Fecal Clatter Denies Culpability
LaJaquardes N. Pulitzerface, Staff Writer











Tender-winged former Fecal Clatter pitcher Hong Chi-Kuo rarely spoke to his teammates. His coaches were so disturbed by his pitch selection that they referred him to counseling. And so when Kuo finally and horrifying came to the league’s attention yesterday, he did so in committing the worst mass beaning in LOWV history.

“He never threw offspeed once. I’ve never seen heaters with such consistent late movement.”


This is how Jeremy Sowers -- as teammate Matt Capps daubed drool from the corners of the young lefty’s mouth -- recalled yesterday’s horror, when a pitcher burst into the Banana Belt clubhouse yesterday, armed with a bag of batting practice balls, and emotionlessly fired pitches at his teammates’ elbows, thighs, backs and rear ends.

















The pitcher, later identified as disabled free agent Hong-Chih Kuo, gave mild contusions to nearly 20 members of the Belt. Only a handful escaped unscathed, including Doug Davis, who hid behind the callipygian Prince Fielder, and Ichiro Suzuki, who wedged himself into the crack of a bathroom stall door.

The vicious attack brought the total number of people beaned by Kuo yesterday to 22.

“He came up to the locker room door with that bag of balls,” said the Belt’s Ian Kinsler. “I didn’t recognize him but Hollidayie [BB left fielder Matt Holliday] tapped me and goes, ‘Isn’t that that Wong [sic] dude who was so nasty on Fecal Clatter next year? He must be bringing us some balls for BP.’”

“He didn’t say anything,” Justin Duchscherer said. “He was very calm, very determined, methodical in his beaning. He started hurling as soon as he opened the door.”

The day began just like any other. In the Fecal Clatter bullpen shortly after 7:15AM, pitching coach Tim Lollar was overseeing Kevin Gregg’s off-day bullpen session and Michael Wuertz crouched under the bench picking up discarded sunflower seeds that had accumulated during the team’s tense week against D’Lucious Bitch Pies.

A man strode into the pen with three baseballs in his hand and side-armed a nasty sinker at Wuertz that started at Wuertz’s neck and broke sharply and struck his lower back.

The assailant then fired a four-seam fastball at Gregg’s $3 right arm and a sharp backdoor slider at Gregg’s hindquarters once FC’s newest SP,RP specialist doubled over in pain.

“My immediate concern was for Kevin,” Clatter GM Yurwurst Nachtmarz said upon learning of the attack. “Wuertz… eh. We were waiting until he finished his chores to tell him he’d been released.

Kuo returns to Taiwan after release from FC in March

“My second thought was, it had to be Hong-Chih Kuo.”

FC moved Kuo to the DL in late spring in order to acquire Wuertz. The pitcher was dropped entirely days later to make room for Gregg.

The initial reaction of FC officials has sparked league-wide outrage. Nachtmarz ordered an immediate lockdown of the Fecal Clatter locker room but failed to alert the visiting team, the Banana Belt, about the attack.

“Based on what we knew at that point,” Nachtmarz said, “we considered it an isolated revenge attack against pitchers Kuo believed had caused his release from our organization. Nobody could’ve imagined he’d be back at the stadium two hours later to commit such monstrous savagery against our opponents.”

Nobody, that is, except former teammates who remember the “grotesque, macabre” pitch selections Kuo displayed in his erratic but often brilliant months with Fecal Clatter.

“Dude would throw high outside cutter for a strike on 3-1, and follow up with a hard curve up and in,” said Orlando Hudson. “That’s simply insane, and it made me so uncomfortable. It was like something out of a nightmare. I was even thinking of scenarios of what I would do in case he ever harnessed his splitter, I was that freaked out about him.”

His catcher last year concurred. “When I went to talk to him on the mound, after he’d strike out two guys in a row on six straight changes and two-seamers,” says Johnny Estrada, “I was very careful with my words in case he decided to snap.”

Kuo, an immigrant from Tainan City, Taiwan, was portrayed by his fellow teammates and coaches as an insecure loner who sat by himself on the team bus, penned bizarre hate-filled screeds on the locker room Dry-Erase board, and would sign into the team hotels on the road using only a backwards letter K -- a strikeout looking in baseball scorekeeping -- as his name.

He hung no pictures, posters or decorations in his locker, though team officials found “considerable writings” underneath his former locker -- now occupied by Gregg, whom authorities believe was the principal target of yesterday’s beanings -- that included lengthy rants about wealthy teammates and their perceived debauchery, and an apparently autobiographical play entitled “The Ho Who Loved Hong-Chih Kuo.”

Fecal Clatter takes great pride in players who have debuted on its team and gone on to success in the LOWV, and claims to be stunned and ashamed to learn the assailant responsible for the worst mass beaning in league history was a product of its farm system. Team founder and chairman emeritus Galt Varg Sahl described his shock at the events “beyond description.”

A former Fecal Clatter player complained to management about Kuo’s behavior during the team’s pennant drive in the summer of 2006, but the team failed to take action, demurring about “boys being boys.” The new information raises questions about whether warning signs in Kuo’s behavior and problems were handled effectively by the organization.

But the former teammate alleges that he knows the real reason no disciplinary reason was taken: “Dude struck out 71 batters in 59 and two-thirds for us,” said Nick Swisher. “At Fecal Clatter, it’s not about character, just winning.”

In late August 2006, Swisher says he returned to the clubhouse at the end of a game in which he’d played right field to find that his first baseman’s mitt had been re-laced with shoelaces depicting the Taiwanese flag. “Had to be Hong-Chih. Just totally [messed] up, man.”

What could have prompted his bizarre behavior? “I played catch with [recent call-up Matt] Garza before the game, trying to help the kid relax in his first stint in the bigs. And it wasn’t like I’d dissed Hong-Chih or nothin’. We’d never played catch before. We’d never even high-fived before. Dude was a lone wolf, bro, stalking me or some [thing like that].”

Swisher approached the young SP,RP, asking him about the peculiar re-lacing. “He stood up and said he wanted to look me in the eye to see how cool I was, said that’s the only way he could tell how cool I was by looking in my eyes,” Swisher remembers. “And when he looked into my eyes, he goes, ‘I see promiscuity.’ I was like, whoa, decided to leave him alone and just asked [equipment manager] Chappy [Duffman] to get me a new mitt.”

David Wright’s only conversation with Kuo was equally unnerving. “I asked him to toss me a brew from the cooler in the clubhouse after we clinched a playoff spot last year. ‘Hey Kuo, toss me some suds,’ y’know? He yells back at me, ‘I told you, all you rich pricks, my name is BACKWARDS-K!’

“He never did toss me that beer.”

Dr. Crayton “Cray” Z. Sickough, FC team psychiatrist and an expert on personality disorders and serial beanings, said the delay between beanings may have been a matter of nerves or practical necessity.

But unnamed sources are murmuring of a far more sinister rationale.

“well I no how e-z it is to play bannaa belt,” emailed a league source requesting anonymity. “but teams that arent so nasty as me ad my stars need 2 intimedate w/ beanballs and injurring the other taems.”

Rampant but unproven rumors hint that upon realizing the extent of Kuo’s insanity and beaning skills, and increasingly panicky about losing to long-time rival, Natchmarz promised the jilted pitcher a roster spot in exchange for attacking Banana Belt’s strongest players.

Whether a senseless act of random violence, or a massacre ordered by a desperate front office, the carnage has produced the same consequence -- a petrified opponent with little interest in life’s trivialities.

“How am I supposed to care about playing a silly game against Fecal Clatter when I have a charity to run, insatiable young surfer boys to feed, and fingernails to carefully trim?” mused BB’s Mike Piazza as he cleared out his locker and administered a hernia test on a batboy. “It’s just not worth it.”

Raping a Stranger

With the possible exception of the Central Panamanian Cockfighting Circuit, there is no known athletic association on the planet with more blood feuds than the League of Women Voters. While the teams maintain a façade of brotherhood and friendship, in actuality many GMs despise one another. For these teams, every season is a chance to humiliate their rivals and prove their superiority. GMs who have smitten their enemies tell me that the feeling is like waking up to discover that your penis has grown six inches. Each week, at least one major rivalry is joined on the playing field, and each GM has the desire to capture that very sensation. For those who are denied, revenge is the only option.

Executives from most teams admitted to holding outright vendetta on at least one other franchise. Two teams denied participating in the feuds, but their attitudes were markedly different. The Flash reportedly has a policy against such behavior, and he usually devotes his public appearances to dissing his own players, rather than his opponents. Meanwhile, Equipe Roi du Radeau officials claim that their team is too good to have a rival. “Quelle horreur! How dare you put me in a sentence with another franchise?” cried Nils Coq au Vin in red-faced rage. “The other teams are mere peasants, not fit to groom a flea-bitten donkey, let alone this magnificent pony I am riding.”

D’Lucious Bitch Pies vs. El Guapo
This is one of the newest rivalries, and easily the most exciting feud in the LOWV today. This war began when El Guapo released a blistering missive on the league message board, blasting his opponents and calling out D’Lucious. Almost instantaneously, DLBP struck back with a magnificent piece of prose that silenced any whispers of a sophomore smack slump – one the most brilliant opponent maimings in recent memory. This was followed by a half-column jab at El G from DLBP’s Tinseltown ally, Vicious Rumors. Few teams could withstand this blistering barrage of negative propaganda. However, many El Guapo officials told me they believe D’Lucious overreached with his email to the last edition of the Short Pants Radio Hour, which the hosts harshly derided as “gay.” This gaffe definitely leaves the door open for an El Guapo counterstrike, and the fact remains that DLBP needs to beat his San Francisco rival on the scoreboard to claim true bragging rights.

Poor Man’s Fart vs. unBeleaguerable
This is a feud that has claimed the lives of many mid-level employees of both organizations. Whether it was the assassination of three PMF scouts at the P.G.T. Beauregard Sports Complex in rural Louisiana, attributed to rogue unB boosters, or the savage chainsawing of an unB vice president in the Dominican Republic at the hands of a mob of bloodthirsty child soldiers on the payroll of the PMF Caribbean operation – trust me when I tell you, this is some serious shit. The teams hate each other dating back to a harsh exchange of views some time ago, regarding certain females and the penises that might be put therein. UnB largely laughs off this conflict, while secretly ordering more death squads into the field. When contacted for comment, PMF merely shook his head and uttered wearily, “Unbeleaguerable.”

Bonomatory Influence vs. Himself
While I was researching this story, one GM told me on terms of anonymity that “Dat dere Bonoma boy just be a tad bit tangled up in his own self, too many ladles of his own gumbo, so to be speakin’. There ain’t nobody standin’ in the way of himself but himself. He got the smarts, he got the diamond knowhow, but his team don't never win. Don’t tell nobody I be sayin’ this or nothin’, but I b’lieve he might be shot thru the dome with telephone rays or some such. Boy be trippin’, yes indeed.” As this fat black female GM who shall remain nameless waddled off, I realized that she was right.

Snaturals vs. Lasorda’s Manicotti
This is a developing feud that has the potential to be especially ferocious. These teams were once allies, but the GMs of the two franchises fell out at the Brooklyn auction. Snaturals czar James Aborn was outraged at LM for raising two of his late-round nominations above $1. Spitefully, he bid $2 on Scott Proctor for the sole purpose of aggravating Lasorda. This tactic worked to perfection. Sources in the LM clubhouse tell me that Lasorda has still not gotten over his thwarting in the Proctor nomination, and has actually become angrier by the day. One reported, “the other day when someone mentioned Proctor, Lasorda smashed a glass Branch Rickey figurine with a bat autographed by Pee Wee Reese and called Snatty a ‘beaker brained fatherfucker.’ His pride is obviously wounded and he is a very petty man. I counted fourty-four F-bombs in two minutes.” Snatty Bobolowski is not about to stand aside and watch as the LM organization sets out to destroy him. In fact, a mysterious crossbowman in a Spiderman disguise was recently seen lurking outside the grounds of Dick Beatonian’s oceanside estate, leading the billionaire LM owner to place a large and complicated order of e-ink. The crossbowman has not been seen since.

The Mothership vs. Poor Man’s Fart
Although a new rivalry, this one has brewed up quickly, given the geographic proximity of the two GMs and their regular radio sparring. Mothership’s confidence certainly gives him an edge over PMF’s fatalism, but PMF is a proven contender in the LOWV. So far, the two general managers remain cordial, but neither is a stranger to calling his opponents out in public. Mike Jones will keep the pressure on Bobby Walls, whom he accused of rampant friend dating after MShip failed to coerce PMF to swap Giambi for Delgado. The rookie out of Milwaukee should keep in mind that PMF is renowned for his wicked comebacks, either by triple-entendre or by good old-fashioned dirty photo blackmail. Still, Jones wields a big microphone, and league GMs would be well advised not to cross him if they want to avoid a tongue-lashing on the league’s most popular radio program.

Vicious Rumors vs. the Banana Belt
These two teams peacefully coexisted for years, until Vicious Rumors’ infamous propaganda machine cranked out an appalling expose about the clubhouse – or should I say bathhouse? – of tBB. In a recent radio appearance, an obviously distraught Ricardo Matlaban hurled a flurry of invective at the Los Angeles owner, including “Spielberg worshiper” and “Hollywood playboy bastard!” Host Mike Jones said VR had crossed the line, but the hysterical laughter of the Short Pants peanut gallery at the very mention of Mike Piazza or Pat Neshek vindicated the yellow journalism. Vicious Rumors is unapologetic about releasing the sordid information. Spokesman Dominic Rosetti told me, “Yo, the Rumors don’t play. You try to cover up some shiznit, we find it out like Encyclopedia Brown on crack. Don’t be jealous, bitches!” Off-off-off the record: my confidential sources tell me that Matlaban recently reached out to VR CEO Bill Waters through back channels. Was it to make peace, or make threats? They won’t say.

Fecal Clatter vs. Lacey Underalls
With these two teams sitting atop the current standings, this may have become the premier rivalry in the LOWV. These are two great teams whose executives are not afraid to duke it out in public. In the past week alone, LU owner Nicholas T. Popo ripped FC owner C. Dave Sahl for his endorsement of the VR pitching staff, while Sahl reacted to Popo’s acquisition of Felix Pie with comments that I will paraphrase as, “I fart on Felix Pie.” Officials from each team describe the other in derisive terms, with nothing but scorn for their longtime foes. An executive from one team told me about the time when his manager decided to take it easy on their rival in a meaningless late-season matchup. After winning, the rival gloated as if he had just won the league championship. Incidents like this have led to very bad blood between the franchises. It was difficult to get anyone from either team to comment publicly about the feud, given their Belichickian levels of secrecy. However, it is easy to predict that by the end of the season, one of these GMs will be left bitching about the superciliousness and arrogance of his opponent, while the other will awaken the next morning to find he is wielding an extra half foot of penis.

Paparazi Exclusive: Guapo Cuckolded by Equipe?

San Francisco, CA -- Paparazi may have captured heartbreak on film. Late last week, the press snapped this shot of J.J. Achermann's reaction to catching his wife, Haley "Bones" Achermann, in a compromising encounter with Nils Coq au Vin. Mssr. Vin, a renowned playboy and the GM of Equipe, has had a long running feud with Mr. Achermann since it was revealed several weeks ago that Vin was Achermann's biological father.

Short Pants Radio Hour Returns

Short Pants returns for yet another edition. Kentz (Banana Belt) returns, joining Jones (Mothership), Sahl (Fecal Clatter), Walls (PMF) and new contributer Lombardi (Lacey Underalls).

Boasting a much higher production value, the show returns with a sleeker and more polished effort than ever before. Unfortunately, the hosts don’t live up to the slick intros and segways putting in one of their most drunken and chaotic performances ever. The show quickly devolved into race baiting, food fights and at least one drunken claim that Jim Rice was better than Barry Bonds.

Highlights: Jones insists he’ll win the LOWV; Lombari blasts the city of Milwaukee; Sahl recounts his loss of purity in the city’s fabled Fister Hotel; Short Pants Mailbag makes its debut with a question from DLBP; Rick admits both he and catcher Piazza once held press conferences declaring their hetero-status; Sahl breaks up with Jason Bay on the air; Kentz responds to the latest edition of “Star”, saying “only Piazza was beating off, but that’s it…to a picture of Trot Nixon”; Lombardi busts Sahl’s balls for slurping VR’s pitching staff; Lombardi and Kentz drool over Elijah Dukes; Jones debates Duke Rape case with the gang; Mozarella fight breaks out; Jackie Robinson is discussed.

Useless Dork Department -- Fascinating Week One Findings

If Vicious Rumors has as many wins as The Banana Belt, and PMF’s pitchers give up as many as dongs as unBeleaguerable’s, you know what that means.

It must be a whole new season.

So let's provide clear proof, from the first week of the season, that it sure isn't last year anymore:

• The two teams with the best regular season record – Lasorda’s Manicotti and Equipe Roi du Radeau -- never spent one day under .500 all last season. Lasorda’s Manicotti had a losing records by the end of Week One this year.
• unBeleaguerable spent two weeks over .500 last season. They were almost .500 after the first week of this season.
• Poor Man’s Fart played two weeks against The Banana Belt last year and tied once and won once. They played their first week of this season against Banana Belt -- and lost.
• D’Lucious Bitch Pies were the first team in the LOWV to lose fourteen games in Week One last year. This season, it took until Week One for them to lose 14 games.
• Last year as a Fecal Clatterer for half the season, Geoff Jenkins hit three home runs. So of course, he homered three times in the first ten days on The Mothership.
• As the great Editorial Board of the Independent Daily Bugle Monitor reported, Justa Jynie Achermann had made it through over one week managing El Guapo without proclaiming his own sainthood. But he had that happen in the second week of this season.
• On each of the last two Opening Weeks, D’Lucious Bitch Pies has lost exactly 14 categories. In between, they only lost that many categories or more seven times.
• The Snaturals went all last season without losing 15 categories. So what was the first team to lose 15 this year? Who else? The Snaturals.
• Bonomatory Influence won on Opening Day two straight years when it had Woody Williams on the roster. So naturally, they lost their first opener with a Woodyless team that handed out $189 worth of contracts over the winter.
• The Flash hadn't suffered week with more than 13 losses until Week 4 last year. But the Lacey Underalls stuck a 7-13 on them on Opening Week.
• And only five times in the last 22 weeks had multiple expansion teams won in a week. But that happened in the first week this season.
• Bonomatory Influence won their first week against Equipe last year. It took them one week against the Equipe to lose this year.
• Before this year, when he was employed by teams not known as the Mothership and a perpetual free agent, Jeff Suppan made seven starts in Miller Park and lost none of them (5-0, 1.76 ERA). So was there ever any doubt he'd lose his first game in Miller Park after he became a Mothershipper?
• In 62 appearances last year, Jorge Julio never gave up five hits (or more) in any of them. And in his entire career (all 343 games of it), he'd never had a game in which he allowed five hits without getting at least three outs. But what happened in his first game on Poor Man’s Fart? He coughed up a lead in the ninth -- by giving up five hits in 1/3 of an inning.

A Message to Mothership?

San Francisco, CA -- Apparently, a listener did not take kindly to something he heard on the radio. It appears a bizarre and frightening message has been sent to renowned shock-jock Mike Jones.

Shortly after business hours, the Loose Lips night janitor, Jim Achermann, came across a suspicious package addressed to L.L. Editor-in-Chief, Inhersons Pooper.

Achermann, unauthorized to open any mail since his privileges were suspended in the wake of the now infamous "Barnyard Bros" imbroglio, quickly contacted the local authorities and Pooper.

After the Bay Area Bomb Squad (BABS) declared the package "fabulously safe", Pooper opened the envelope to discover an unsigned cryptic note (see inset above, click to enlarge) and a video cassette (see inset below, click to play).

The note contained a veiled threat directed at LOWV radio shock jock, Mike Jones who is known for his off-kilter humor, mid-western parochialism and phlegmatic delivery. Composed using cut out magazine and newspaper clippings, authorities were unable to trace its origin. However, the frequent use of slightly soiled Dan Shaughnessy columns indicates the note may have originated in the Boston metro area. Many New Englanders find Shaughnessy's columns softer and more pliable than most conventional brands of toilet paper.

The video contained what appeared to be Japanese characters, but staff translators have been unable to decipher much beyond a string of phrases, including: "family", "hostage", "revenge", "disembowelment", "ritualized" and "bloody death."

The authorities and the L.L. staff are puzzled by the missive and seek the public's help in translating the remaining text and identifying its intent. If you have any information please contact the staff at L.L. immediately.