LM Owner Poisoned in Brooklyn!

LOWV subterfuge reached a new low this past weekend: Lasorda's Manicotti owner Andrew Beaton was poisoned during a visit to the LOWV Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. Although he is expected to make a full and complete recovery, LM agents are turning over trash cans and lurking in alleys all across the nation in a relentless quest to find out the identity of the perpetrator.

Beaton, who is also known by many pseudonyms including Dick Beatonian, R.F. Between, and Redstick I. Hayes, scrupulously maintains a low profile and has hired a legion of carrot topped body doubles to avoid the wrath of the many GMs he has humiliated on the LOWV playing field. He even eschews the urban living styles of many league owners, holing up in an oceanside compound north of Boston, protected by a small army of Amazon bodyguards. However, he let his guard down on an ill-advised visit to NYC, and traveled without an armed escort or, most crucially, his personal food taster Habib.

The dastardly poison was administered in a bowl of pistachio spumoni from L+B Spumoni Gardens in Bensonhurst. The friendly waiter who served the assortment of LOWV GMs turned quiet and surly halfway through the meal, and delivered spumoni to the table only reluctantly. Shortly after eating the poisoned spumoni, and halfway through the first segment of a taping of Short Pants Radio Hour, Beaton began to feel faint and lost feeling in his extremities. He staggered to the filthy Clermont bathroom and vacated the contents of his digestive system. Beaton was found in a fetal stance, moments from death. After re-reading the Kelsey Picknell issue of Speak Out!, the rest of the GMs decided to save him.

Miraculously, a tall glass of homebrew from unBeleaguerable's Chad Adams brought Beaton back from the brink of the afterlife. Tests at the nearby Brooklyn Hospital Center revealed that the tainted spumoni contained a small but potent dose of a poison from an Australian tree frog that is generally fatal when ingested, and for which the only known antidote is seaweed infused with hydrogen. By sheer coincidence, this very combination is present in Adams' fortuitous brew, which is sold in DC bodegas under the name "Menage a Qua".

The list of suspects in the attempted assassination is nearly as long as the list of people who have cursed Beaton and wished for his untimely demise. PMF owner Bobby Walls led the expedition to L+B, making him an obvious suspect. However, legendary friend-datee Liz was present at the fateful meal, and since Walls is on the record saying "she makes me want to be a better man," his involvement is thought to be marginal at most. Snaturals owner Major Beans is a known rival of LM and was also in attendance at the Spumoni Gardens - but he was busy textmessaging his lady love E-ink Eva during the entire meal. Commissioner C. Dave Sahl was also present, and the waiter's suspicious behavior had all the hallmarks of a Blackwater family-napping, but Beaton (or one of his body doubles) was spotted with Sahl at Sunday's Red Sox-Orioles game, using the power of his legendary rally cap to emotionally castrate Chris Ray and help FC to a tie. Thus, it seems LM management has already exonerated the Commish.

According to internet rumors and off-the-record sources, a major suspect in the ongoing investigation is Equipe founder Nels Coq au Vin, who may have been hoping to off his then-opponent merely to help his floundering team move up in the standings. When the poisoning took place, ERdR was locked in a 9-8 struggle with LM, but after Beaton's recovery, the Manicotti put a serious 12-6 thrashing on Equipe. Coq au Vin is renowned for his ruthlessness and skulduggery, most notoriously convincing Mama Jams' lesbian lover Kelly to participate in deeds of evil trickery. Few LOWV insiders would put it past Coq au Vin to murder an opponent for a few extra games in the standings. One LOWV luminary has already pointed the finger of blame: Tommy Lasorda issued a statement reading, "No fucking doubt that Neil's team is behind the attempted murder of our glorious owner! You dirty lowdown fatherfuckers! I'm gonna tell my buddy Jesus Christ about this!"

A compelling alternative theory is that of mistaken identity. Due to their use of a complimentary certificate, the manager of the Spumoni Gardens mistook the GMs for Rachael Ray's husband's band. Since this band is known to suck, with such forgettable numbers as "It Burns When I'm Inside You", it is entirely possible that L+B management decided to spare the universe any further musical torment by executing one or more of its members.

Approached for comment, The Mothership's Mike Jones scoffed at the idea that Beaton had even been poisoned in the first place. "Dooooooooood...I think he was just scared shitless being on Short Pants for the first time. He couldn't handle the pressure and fell apart like DLBP on a Sunday. I bet he's already complaining about this shit. He's like that kid in high school who gets straight A's and whines and cries when he gets an A minus."