Tommy's Thoughts #6

Startled your ass, didn't I! My lucrative speaking engagements have me traveling again this week so I'm releasing my Thoughts a bit earlier than usual. It's clear that this column will never be released on a regular schedule.

Here's an opening observation...entering Week 7, LM is tied with Fecal Clatter for first place in the league. My record is 78-43-11, while his record is 77-44-13. Obviously, our records are not the same, yet we share the lead. From this, one can deduce that in terms of LOWV standings, a tie is worth half a win - thus we each have 83.5 "points" (LM: 78+5.5, FC: 77+6.5).

For one thing, this reveals the true point value of a CG SO. When your opponent gets a CG SO in a given week and wins each category 1-0, he doesn't just score two points against you, he actually deducts another point from your total by taking away two ties. Oddly enough, a CG SO in this scenario hurts the team that absorbs it more than it helps the team that gets it - it's a net gain of one point for the team with the CG SO - without it, they had 1 point from 2 ties; with it, they have 2 points from 2 wins - and a net loss of THREE points for the team that it comes against. (I happen to think that counting both of these stats is overkill, but that's a topic for another day.)

One thing I have yet to figure out is the significance of a team's tie totals over a season. Is there any correlation between a team's number of ties and any positive or negative qualities - or is it merely a function of head-to-head luck? Either way I'd guess the 2008 tie totals are too small a sample size to be significant, but I've always suspected that when the season rounds into fullness, that number means something. Send your theories to our mailbag.

LAST WEEK

What a strange and hard-fought game this was. Superstars came up small, pulled up lame, or got rained out. Underrated players stepped up in a big way. Roles were reversed, as each team won categories they seemed to have no business winning. Twelve counting categories were decided by a margin of two or fewer. Arguably, the game came down to the final at-bat of the week - when Joe Nathan got Manny Ramirez to ground into a rally-killing out late on Sunday night, he prevented red-hot Lacey Underalls 1B Justin Morneau (3-3, 2R) from leading off the bottom of the ninth, where he might have affected numerous cats with one swing of the bat.

If you had told me on Monday that my team OPS was going to be .650, I would have immediately changed my identity and moved to Alabama to escape the everlasting shame of it all - no way I could hold Lacey off with an offensive effort that pathetic. What I didn't anticipate is that the LM starters would trounce the LU starters - John Maine and Cliff Lee significantly outperformed Jake Peavy and Felix Hernandez, even though I sit here and read that and have a hard time accepting such a preposterous statement as fact - or that the steady LM bullpen would be pointin and giggling while their LU counterparts were butt-reamed by cruel Fortune. When Papelbon, Broxton and T. Walker combine to surrender 4 losses, we have officially entered the Twilight Zone. Despite an uncanny knack for benching guys just in time for them to have big games, managing my way out of a triple and a win on Sunday alone, I squeezed out enough doubles, homers and steals to win the offensive cats 5-4, which when added to my pitching staff's 6-2 triumph amounted to a solid 11-6 victory over a team we were totally unable to beat last season.

I would be an idiot to gloat, though, because I know how tenuous this win was, and because in the process I lost some key contributors to injury - Vernon Wells is on the DL for a couple of months and Rafael Furcal hasn't played in days with back problems. Like Stonewall Jackson in the Battle of Chancellorsville, they turned the enemy's flank with crucial HRs but fell wounded on the field of battle. Oh the humanity!!

Now a little respect for my vanquished opponent. As has been noted before in this column, Lacey Underalls does not surrender a single category, which makes this team very, very difficult to beat and almost impossible to blow out - you need an equally balanced team and a huge serving of good luck. I got the good luck, but couldn't capitalize - my offense was just flat this week and I had to scrap just to break the weekend-long deadlock. There is so much to like about the Underalls that it's tough to know where to begin: beyond the obvious (Hanley and the aces), there are some really promising young outfielders, the Angel catcher platoon that I haven't heard anyone give proper praise to yet, and let's not forget about Edinson Volquez. After taking a look at the upcoming schedule, my prediction is that LU will soon return to the top spot in the standings.

This game was ugly, but it was a "good game" nonetheless. I believe LOWV teams show their true ability not when everything is clicking, but when things are going wrong. LU and LM faced potentially disastrous weeks with prime categories and players failing us, but each of us managed to battle and grab cats here and there - I just ended up holding more in the end. I offer Mama Jams a tip of the cap; but I fear that my brash trash talk and victorious outcome this week may have fueled a future comeuppance of terrifying proportions.

NEXT WEEK

Two teams loom atop the LOWV standings. Two teams share the lead with 5 head-to-head wins. All that changes after this week - FC and LM will battle to the death!!

(Yeah, you'd better cringe, hideous spawn of Bowa!! Watch out before your muscles tear and tendons pop, from the sheer stress of facing the mighty Manicotti!)

Had we met last week, FC would have come away with a 13-9 victory, led by Jimmy Shields and his CG SO. While we pride ourselves on offense here at LM, there can be no doubt that FC has the premier hitting unit in the league right now. As odd a role as this is for us to play, we can only win this game by dominating on the mound, especially since we aren't facing Johan in a two-start week for once. Is the patchwork, minimum-wage LM staff up to the challenge? Suffice it to say that would-be ace Justin Verlander can make up for six weeks of floundering with a big game against KC tomorrow.

I'm not sure what else to say here. FC has kept a low profile this season, not opening himself up to much in the way of broadsides. His team looks stout and there isn't really anything to criticize there, except his embarrassingly obvious lust for young Caucasian studs, especially Diamondbacks. Suffice it to say, we will seek to obliterate him nonetheless, and as always, I stand ready to pounce on any erroneous statement or foolhardy transgression. I sleep with one eye open, motherfuckers!

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The players currently designated "Keys to Victory", based on appearing most often among the rosters of the Top 500 Public League teams on Yahoo: Beence Beekman (PMF), Hanley Ramirez (LU), Edinson Volquez (LU), Chipper Jones (LM), and Rafael Furcal (LM).

ERdR keeps on rolling, powered by his great pitching staff and FA-of-the-year contender Carlos Quentin. Since it seems that every year a team rises out of Frisco to confound naysayers and doubters, El Guapo must be looking forward to having the city to himself next year...

Seven home runs from Joey Votto and Dan Uggla carried Flash to a rousing victory over unB. The pitching numbers in this matchup were so hideous, they made Lacey's Week 6 pitching stats look divine. Regardless, Stokes Esq. has ascended into playoff position. Just as he was roundly counted out, Flash has built a nice comeback on slugging and saves. I'd say "just wait until he faces a more balanced team," but he beat LU earlier in this season, so there goes that assertion. At this point, The Flash is a name nobody wants to see on their matchup page.

DLBP vs. Snatty: No smoke, no mirrors, just a methodical and textbook-worthy dismantling of a lesser opponent. DLBP is the caballo negro for the title this year, mark mis palabras.

Last week's dullest game pitted tBB against VR in a 10-9 snoozer. This game was held at Lowered Expectations Stadium. A few things jump off the stat sheet: VR's infield is finally living up to its rep, though with a little help from Clint Barmes, in for Tulo. Meanwhile, the Belt's Ubaldo manhandled the Pads with 11 Ks.

As Fukudome goes, so goes the Mothership. Both have been in a protracted slump. Moship's loss to FC wasn't as ugly as the score indicated, but this team must locate some power to get back into playoff contention. The Mothership's slide in the standings might bode well for the Shortpants show, since Mike never really seemed comfortable as an alpha dog and defender of the status quo. From the lottery he can more effectively speak for the little guy. However, his draft picks will soon be looking to change that; he just needs to find the offensive support to counterbalance the boost he'll receive from Kershaw and Adenhart.

If I were PMF, I'd be worried. Last year he missed the playoffs on a heartbreaking final day of the regular season. This year, there are six teams that have established themselves as clear contenders, and PMF is again on the outside looking in - 7.5 games out of 6th place already. Nobody wants to be the king of the also-rans, and it looks like Bobby Walls may be fitted for the crown unless PMF can get off the schneid in 2008. The pitching staff, always the key for this team, looked terrible last week. On the plus side, his offense showed some serious dynamism against Guapo last week, mixing twelve-steal speed with overall hitting prowess. Can his pitching staff overcome their oft-injured ways to carry the Pmmf to the promised pmmffft?

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

"I know you're no fan of VR holding onto Colon...But as you know, VR is in a pretty shitty situation, and the prospect of a quality pitcher soon joining the team is more attractive to me right now than two weeks of FA spot starts...I keep reading that he's close, he's close, he's close... and keep waiting. So all the time I'm thinking I can wait it out, and at this point, I almost feel obligated to hold onto him because I've done so for so long. And I have a feeling my patience will pay off...Also, I suspect there'd be other GMs bidding on Colon when he gets the call, and I'd rather keep him at $3."

This segment is brought to you by the charitable arm of LM, the Tommy Fund, dedicated to helping GMs who have passed through the realm of sanity into the wilderness of serious delusion. I received this email in my mailbag after last week's column and had to shake my head at the flaws in logic exhibited here by Vicious Rumors.

1. First principles - only use a non-DL roster spot on a player you believe can be a true difference maker, either short-term or long-term. For instance, FC grabbed Roger Clemens a few years in a row and this paid off with ace-level performances down the stretch. If Barry Bonds returns as an AL DH, this could provide serious slugging for El Guapo. unB stashed Evan Longoria for the better part of two seasons and is about to reap the rewards. Conversely, Bartolo Colon is not expected by anybody to return to his Cy Young form, and at best will provide some valuable mid-season starts for the Red Sox and spell their young SPs. He is not good enough to merit playing with 24 guys until his return.

2. True, VR is in a shitty situation, but that's no reason to hold onto Colon. If the team's response to adversity is "hold 'em close boys, I'll think of something," then spot starters who can help right the ship are a much better solution than a tubby hurler in his mid-30s mired in AAA. If the response is "Pack it in and play for 2009," better to claim some of the promising age-appropriate AAA players currently available in free agency. It's too early for VR to run up the white flag, I believe, so why not grab guys who can actually help you right now, while you're facing LU and FC in consecutive weeks, instead of waiting for a "savior" who is really only a slight upgrade over Julian Tavarez. Andy Sonnanstine was a step in the right direction here.

3. "I almost feel obligated to hold on to him because I've done so for so long." Speak not these accursed words! While nobody likes to admit a mistake and end up with egg on their face, this is not a valid reason to sustain a dumb roster move. Don't be afraid to cut ties, especially when all you gave up to get him was $3 at the auction.

4. If you want a chubby veteran Red Sox pitcher whose rehab proceeds slowly under a cloud of vagueries, why don't you just get Curt Schilling? At least you can put him on the DL...

5. Drop him. Believe me, nobody will bid on him. Except maybe ERdR, and that just to cause trouble. Pay no mind to that rapscallion. If you want to grab him again when he is actually set to pitch in the majors, fair enough. But wasting a roster spot on this load while he's on a non-DL rehab is an insult to the good name of VR.

Some people will see this segment as wrongheaded charity, helping a team that should be allowed to do this to himself without external check. Others will see it as a wicked plot to get Colon for myself. In fact, it is neither. When I complete my 2008 reign of terror and crush you all under my Italian jackboot, I want it to be despite your best efforts and finest managerial decisions, not because you blundered away a chance at the title with your collective boobery...

DANK FARM NUGS

Two top LM prospects were mentioned in the media in an extremely favorable light this past week...no surprises there.

ESPN fantasy nerd Jason Gray wrote in a chat that "In dynasty formats, I always want the most upside possible...so Kershaw and Porcello. If you want to limit to big leaguers.... Buchholz and Hamels." I like that context, homes, I do indeed.

Jason Heyward led his Rome Braves to Savannah, and the local beat reporter had dick in hand as he wrote this paean: "They'll remember they saw Jason Heyward back when.That's what 2,324 fans at Grayson Stadium on Saturday will be able to say honestly in a few years, most likely when they're watching an Atlanta Braves game. The 18-year-old Heyward, Atlanta's top pick in the amateur draft last year, displayed his considerable talents, smacking two home runs and driving in four runs to lead Rome to a 7-2 victory over the Savannah Sand Gnats. 'I'm having fun. This is a fun job to have,' said Heyward, following a 3-for-5 night that raised his batting average to .326. He was the offensive fireworks before Saturday night's fireworks in the sky."

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Me, the manager, that's who!! In an attempt to emulate DLBP's victorious Week 3 strategy over yours truly, I sat my entire bullpen on Sunday afternoon...only to see Marmol get a vulture win that would have handed that category to me. (On the other hand, this decision spared me the agony of having Nathan's weak Sunday night outing count for more than keeping Morneau out of the batter's box.) Leaving Howard and his usual dose of K's on the bench on Sunday seemed like a good call, too, until he smacked an RBI triple. But honestly, who the hell would have seen that coming?

This week's genius: This was truly a team effort, but some shout outs are required: Maine and Lee for their great starts. Okajima with FOUR freakin' holds!! Crawford and Victorino for a combined 7 steals. Next week, I challenge one of you - or anyone else for that matter - to kick the hell out of FC and earn this honor for your sole enjoyment!

ENDQUOTE

"Consider yourself on notice, Equipe - BI's rolling on the win train now!!"

Thus Bonomatory. Final score: Equipe 13, BI 7.

Mama Jams Speaks, Slobbers A LittleToo

Fine, I'll take the bait. But just because you can get me on the line doesn't mean you can reel me in. I can't help but take personally an affront such as the one laid out in Tommy's Thoughts #5. It reflects a disturbing trend of league-wide antagonism that grows with each passing week, and I call shenanigans on all of it. Below, I present my response to Tommy's Thoughts #5, and follow it up with a plea for civility. I've tried to cut straight to the chase since I've learned the hard way that reading another GM's long-winded diatribe is about as interesting as putting air in your car tires, but of course I have failed. Join me at your leisure.

Why do I whine when a GM misses his minimum IP and mails in a landslide loss to a strong competitor who I hope to beat for a top two spot in the LOWV this year? Because little things add up over a season, and details do indeed matter. Sure it's a long season, but getting a bye in the first round of the 'yoffs is incredibly valuable. We all know how hot or cold streaks impact any given match-up in the H2H format, so don't pile on me for aiming for the bye. And what if I DID end up losing out on the 'yoffs because of tBB's lapse? I'm familiar with the arithmetic of the stochastic, and in the future I'll keep my grief to myself, but that stuff matters in the end.

Next, why does Beatonian love to misquote me? I really don't mind if you take my words to fashion an argument against me. But putting parentheses around someone else's paraphrasing does not constitute a quote. A hazy recollection of a conversation of a year ago is also not a quote, and analyzing it as such, especially when you were on the same side of the argument as I was, is beat. Judas! I know, I know, it's probably no fun to find out or try to remember what I really said, or even simply to ask me about something at all before passing off hearsay as my word, but I'd appreciate it if you at least tried.

And to elaborate, going back to 2004 when I actually started to understand fantasy baseball:

Melvin Mora
Kyle Farnsworth
Justin Morneau
Eric Byrnes
Nate McLouth (I hope)

I'm sorry if I get psyched about some good moves I made over the past few seasons (I swear! Look up the numbers!), but you must live in submarine if you think I'm the only one who does, and I don't think claiming one good move a year qualifies anyone as pompous. And of course I can name many more bad moves I made than good ones, but as you all know me to be, I'd rather get psyched and blow a little hot air over the good than wallow in the bad. But pompous? No, writing a weekly blog post about the genius management of your fantasy baseball team is pompous. I believe the accepted term for my enthusiasm for myself is "braggadocious." And furthermore, labeling me the most pompous GM in the LOWV is like calling LeBron the best black athlete in the NBA. Maybe I got it this year, but the competition is pretty stiff. See?! Another achievement I can be proud of!! You all stink!!

And can we just set the record straight and stop trying to perpetuate the myth that my squad benefits from the holdover of the initial roster valuation more than any of the other pre-keeper era GM's? I have ONE player on my roster from 2006 that actually gives me any kind of advantage, which is just about the average for the league, El Guapo and The Mothership notwithstanding. Every other LU player has been added via trade, auction or the FA pool, just like everyone else's roster. Hanley does happen to be one of the best fantasy players out there, and I've only ever taken partial credit at best for that contract, but unless you count Justin Morneau's $13 contract as a serious advantage (which I don't), Peavy is no steal at $23 and Eric Byrnes' is a fair $3, which, by the way, would be the cost of his contract for whichever GM took him off the FA heap had I dropped him. And those are the ONLY players on my roster that date back to the contracts of my end-of-year 2006 roster. If anyone out there in LOWV GM-land chooses to believe that I've had a good run over the past two years simply because of those four contracts, I don't agree, but if that's your claim then fair enough. And in an effort to reduce my own pomposity, I'll just leave it at that.

I think this has been said enough on Shortpants to be established and accepted as our common understanding, but I'll reiterate here to underscore the point. There are myriad means to enjoy fantasy baseball, too numerous and oft cited to repeat. Personally, I enjoy running my team as if it were a business, and I like a moderately complex framework of rules within which to run it. To navigate those rules with any kind of success gives me pleasure. Yes, I'm a huge, huge nerd. And I'm clearly not alone in that, either. This interest in detail has been the quality that sets this league apart from all other leagues I have been in, and I would not enjoy the LOWV nearly as much if it weren't there. Does that mean that I don't enjoy the friendship aspect of the LOWV? Not even close, and I bristle at the notion. I log on every day to follow the rivalries, the bulletin board, the smack talk, the auction, Shortpants, and the blog posts. I just also like crunching the numbers, too. Like I said, nerd alert, but it's who I am and what I enjoy.

James, I know this issue dates back to a conversation last summer in the wee hours of the morning on Sahl's dock in Norfolk. We were discussing the new rules of the LOWV, the increasing complexity of said rules, and the potential for them to become more complex in the future. For the record, I did not say that I would quit the LOWV if it became more about friendship than competition. If that's the prevailing interpretation of my lobbying for greater complexity in league rules, I apologize for the misunderstanding. I certainly am interested in maximizing my enjoyment of the league, and, as such, in increasing complexity of rules, but I certainly don't begrudge anyone their difference of opinion. If I am of one extreme, then, based on conversations we've had, James is of the other. Neither position invalidates the other, and heretofore they have coexisted peacefully and prosperously, or at least so I thought. If any misgivings persist as the legacy of that conversation, let's nip this flower mid-blossom if it's too late for the bud. I'm just happy to be a part of this collection of handsome genius.

Let this uninteresting, long-winded diatribe of one LOWV GM be a paean to the brotherhood and camaraderie of the LOWV, and let's cast aside our differences of opinion. We can choose to drive a wedge into this lofty butte of baseball-loving, yuck-stirring savants, or we can choose to keep this gorgeous mass of wise-cracking, brain-tingling, mostly-useless talent as beautiful as it was when it was handed to us from the Gods of male bonding on high. I confess I have sinned against this great congregation of men from time to time, but I humbly repent, and I resolve to sin no longer and beseech my peers to do the same. Now let's play (with our) ball(s)!!

Taste My Puddin',
Mama Jams
GM, The Lacey Underalls

Tommy's Thoughts #5

Did I say Wednesday? Naah, I meant Thursday. Silence, critics! You'll take what I give you and like it, whenever I get around to it!

So, the column is late this week because I spent the past few days at a solid waste conference, where I was feted for my genius and invited to speak a few words. With an Albany stripper on each arm and a few globs of horseradish mayo on my lower lip, I shared with the beefy garbagemasters my insights into life, love and the LOWV.

It was a tough call to take so much time away from LM - I was mostly away from the internet for the end of my matchup with tBB and the beginning of my matchup with Lacey. When they asked me to attend last year, I balked - I had to face the defending champ and felt I needed to keep all my attention on the team. But one thick-necked gentleman assured me that I had nothing to worry about.

"We got connections in Jersey," he said. "Trust me, this Kentz will be no problem to you. We'll grease a few palms here, threaten a few moms there, next thing you know, guaranteed win. That mulignan Sabathia would sell his firstborn up the river for a night with our finest hookers!"

What can I say? Two straight years of these made men scaring tBB's pitchers half to death, two straight years of minimum IP failures for the Belt. I will definitely be attending this conference again next year!

LAST WEEK

If not for BB's failure to meet the IP minimum, we still would have triumphed 11-7. Offensive totals were pretty much a draw - 6-5 LM - symbolized by the battle royale between shortstops: Jose Reyes sparkled (4 R, 8 H, 1 2B, 3 3B !!!!, 4 SB, .444, 1.393) but plucky Rafael Furcal managed to mitigate the damage (11 R, 11 H, 2 2B, 1 HR, .393, 1.023). After I properly debunked the myths inherent in Schmentz's demands for Edwin-revenge in last week's Thoughts, Encarnacion cooled off and the continually amazing Chipper was clearly the better 3B in the contest.

Pitching-wise, I dominated even before the IP blunder handed me all the cats, leading 5-2. CC Saba's failure to launch helped offset the mediocre performances of some of my starters. Thanks, NY Federation!

One last thing: My big mouth really got me in trouble with regard to Aquilino Lopez. I plucked this potential holdsman from the wreckage of the Detroit bullpen and he was genius for me for a few weeks. I held my tongue for a while, knowing that his run could end at any time. But last Friday, while out on a drunken bender with Major James Beans, I blurted out that I had found the one jewel in the Comerica dung heap. Later that night, Aquilino surrendered 4 ER in one third of an inning.

I send my regards to the master of BB, currently touring the land of plenty: eastern Spain...

THIS WEEK

Speaking of Major Beans, he can certify that I predicted the unnecessary whining of Mama Jams after tBB failed to make the innings minimum, just a few minutes before it happened. Only the league's most pompous GM would take a blunder that did not affect his team at all as a personal slight. When tBB did the same thing against FC a few years ago, I thought it was hilarious. Basically, unless I finish 6th this season and Lacey finishes 7th, by the margin granted me by Ricky's mistake, last week's outcome won't set LU back in any way, shape or form. As he looks to be cruising to another regular season title - I'm man enough to admit that his team rules - he still is griping about things that are none of his concern.

It's ironic, because team owner N. Lombardicus is truly a Hall of Fame-caliber individual, the finest party-weekend-expense-spreadsheeter on Earth, and a pal I would immediately rally to in a time of need, such as when he forms a posse to throw assholes out of his house for playing his drum kit. But when it comes to fantasy baseball, he has a unique talent at inspiring annoyance in the LM offices. Now, in seeking to be objective, I considered the fact that perhaps I'm just bitter at getting beat by him three times last year, including a brutal 1-hit beat in the playoffs. Perhaps I am just mad that his team is apparently better than mine. And let's not even talk about the ongoing Rich Hill debacle. Perhaps his truth-telling is just too much for me to take. Am I being unfair to Lacey?

To answer this question, I polled a number of league GMs on the following query: Is LU a genius in our midst, or an insufferable jerk? The GMs I talked to included founding members of the league and relative newcomers; title contenders and basement dwellers; friends of Mama and those who barely know her.

Their response was overwhelmingly harsh.

The most charitable comment came from one GM who said, "Let's just say I'm glad it's BB with the dynasty. The choice between an inscrutable genius and a pompous one is a no-brainer." This pretty much skewers the "jealousy" argument, since tBB has a much more positive image leaguewide, despite winning title after title.

I hear through the grapevine that some bitterness remains in some quarters over comments Lacey made last summer, to the effect that if the league became more about friendship than competition, he would quit. Seems like a weird statement to make, since the LOWV has always been based on bonds of mutual affection between owners, and not simply an assemblage of the most hard core fantasy gurus.

One GM put it simply, dubbing Lacey "Clemens of the league," no doubt alluding to his penchant for teen tail and core strengthening. A more voluble GM commented, "Mama Jams is the Idi Amin of the LOWV: Black, sanctimonious, and reviled by the league's Jews. Also has a taste for polygamy and cannibalizing his foes on the diamond. Will execute you on the airwaves and scatter your dismembered corpse in the Nile if you fail to meet minimum IP. All this with a smile on his cherubic face. Uganda salutes you, Mama Jams."

But the most withering response came from a GM whose angry blast took up SIX text messages on my (admittedly crappy) cell phone. "I think he is full of it," he began. "Dude has won the money twice but never the title. I believe the French have a term for that, boeuf. Also, he is impossible to deal with as you have to factor his 'staggering genius' into the value of each of his players and discount all of your players by your own 'baffling mediocrity' and 'obscene luck.' As he once told me straight-faced, 'Every season I make a couple of unquestionably genius moves. Nate McLouth is one of them. That's what separates Lacey from the pack.' Yeah, that or the rules that established the keeper system and valuation system favored your existing roster."

That quote from Lacey is exceptionally damning. I think the verdict is clear. Mama Jams is the most despised GM in the entire league.

Prediction: I am going down, big time - LU has consistently beaten LM recently, and the Penny/Maine and CLee/Wang pitching matchups really screwed me this week. Why would I turn this section into an unvarnished ad hominem attack if I thought I could win this showdown on the merits?

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The biggest surprises in the league right now are Flash and Equipe. Given their lowly ranks in preseason evaluations and their slow starts, many chalked these guys up as cellar dwellers. Not so. Flash scraped and clawed his way past FC last week, winning many categories by just a smidge. It was a really gutsy effort. Equipe's pitching was frickin' outstanding last week, and as he says, "I ALWAYS win holds." Pride goeth before a fall, my nigga!

I'd rather eat glass than inherit VR's bad luck. It's cruel to even discuss this further. What a debacle. WHY is he still holding onto Bartolo Colon?!!?!?

Although you'd think the Mothership/LU matchup would have brought out a better effort from the rivals, given that these are two good teams whose leaders are living under the same roof and all. Instead, pretty mediocre numbers reigned, with the exception of Lacey's TWELVE swipes!

Whoa there Snatty, bam a lam. Santana looks sharp, bam a lam. Lannan smells like farts, bam a lam. Take a look at OC, bam a lam, worst IF in the league, bam a lam. Ho now Snatty, bam a laaaaammmmm! (apologies to FC, I just wanted to keep this joke going.)

D'Lucious stumbled badly last week, with stalwarts like Manny and Rios playing like crap. Don't get used to it, America. Guapo's numbers were kind of weak, but he walked away with a win. Gotta take 'em where you can get 'em!

unB's pitching line last week: 1-4, 44K, 0 Sv, 3 HLD, 6 HR, 6.26 ERA, 1.59 WHIP, 2.10 K/BB. Uh oh, did I just poo myself? Oh, no, that's just the smell of those stats. Bonomatory won some of these categories by staggering margins, and proved to the myriad doubters that his team isn't just Nick Punto and pray for rain...

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

Plainview recently posted an article to the bulletin board about the Dodgers' new autograph policy, implying that I had something to do with this move to cut out the little guy. Trust me, Dan, this is none of my doing. I saw the handwriting on the wall when the McCourts bought the team and since then my work with the Dodge has mostly been in a symbolic capacity. First off, that dumb mick made his WIFE the team president. Are you freaking kidding me? Buzzie Bavasi, she's not.

I figure the team on the field is fine with Torre at the helm, and as for the management, it's a lost cause. That's why I took the job with LM, to distract me from that abomination.

RECOMMENDED READING

If you want to become as knowledgeable about the art of war as Tommy, you can start by reading Shelby Foote's The Civil War: A Narrative. Executive summary of the first two volumes: Capturing Fort Sumter was a blunder, anybody who crossed Lincoln lived to regret it (like the guy who tried to screw him over and got literally sent to Siberia as ambassador to Russia), Lee had gigantic balls, McClellan had little tiny balls, U.S. Grant was a drunken master, Jeff'n Davis was a magnificent shit talker, Stonewall was a hardass and a badass, Longstreet was an excellent Robin but a shitty Batman, the US Navy is a really under-appreciated player, Sherman gets bonus points for being a prescient ginger but serious minus points for burning the fine city of Jackson, MS three different times! Not cool, Redstick, not cool.

Once it gets going, every 50 pages or so there is another gigantic battle with thousands of casualties and kickass generalship on one side or another. It's 3,000 pages and over a million words, but this book is the shit.

SHORTPANTS - MY TAKE

Here's a suggestion for all of you, especially those who can't find the time to keep up with Shortpants. Got an iPod? Got a morning commute? Combine your powers to brighten one morning a week with the Shortpants Radio Show. Ever since I discovered this optimal listening occasion, neither rainstorms nor horrible traffic can ruin the one day a week I can hear Mike and friends discuss LOWV in all its permutations. Magnificent!

In this week's show, Rob Walls claims you cannot find starting pitching in the free agent pool. Bobby, I'd like you to meet my friends: Justin Verlander, Chien-Ming Wang, John Maine, Cliff Lee, and Dustin McGowan.

Sahl suggests during the show that Rusty Hardin didn't advise Clemens against the defamation lawsuit because he wanted to bilk him for as much money as possible. Isn't it conceivable that Clemens just doesn't listen to advice? Hardin is no ambulance-chaser so you've got to think he told Roger this was a bad idea. Clemens was just too pigheaded to listen. I think Rusty has grounds for a defamation suit against Sahl.

Is there anything better than the patented Mike Jones Sigh of Disbelief and Disgust (TM)? I say no. This week, his sighs were joined by genuinely hurt feelings after Daniel Plainview made reference to Mothership's "lengthy belt" in the latest power rankings. I'm pretty sure the boys were spot-on in their interpretation of the fat comment, but what I found most striking about this line they didn't discuss. Shouldn't he have said notches on his GUN? The latter alludes to dueling prowess, the former to bedroom prowess. I'm pretty sure the goal here is to kill each other, not boof each other......right????

I'm quite certain if Mike and Rob were given a nationally-syndicated show tomorrow, with Sahl as producer and regular guest appearances from Schmentz, this would immediately become the best thing on radio.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Rich Hill, demoted to the minors after struggling mightily with his control from spring training on, and being personally responsible for 5 or 6 Lou Piniella hemorrhoids...my only hope is that he can straighten himself out and become 2009's Ervin Santana or Cliff Lee. Lord knows I can't drop him.

This week's genius: Since I can only choose Chase Utley so many times, let's give a shoutout to my main man Carlos Marmol. Season stats - 28 Ks in 21 innings, 2 saves, 8 holds, 1.29, 0.67, 5.60. Do you feeeeeel like I do??

DANK FARM NUGS

I've got an awesome AAA pitcher capable of whiffing 200 guys a year! Only problem is, he's taking up a spot on my 25 man roster. Thanks for nothing, Dick.

ENDQUOTE

"Here comes the Flash! .... Who is the Flash?" Michael Jones

WEEK 5 ROTO-RANKINGS

THE TITS
1.) THE LACEY UNDERALLS (1st Place/ 5th SOS/138H/134P = 296)
The LOWV school bully keeps stealing people’s lunch money week in and week out. This week, he managed to do it to poor little Mikey in some rather unconventional ways – can you say two wins from Papelbon and Six steals from Kemp? However, the truth is there is little to find fault with here other than a slight over reliance on some fast starts and a jettisoning of veteran talent. We’re not saying that LU GM Nicholas Lombardi inadvertently slipped into his bad idea jeans the morning he dropped Giambino and Sheffield; we’re just not quite as certain as that cocky bastard that they’ll finish the season worse than Jacobs, Keppinger, McLouth or Kemp. Also, while the bullpen remains perhaps the strongest in the league, the pitching staff appears to have stumbled a bit last week. )Will the real Micah Owings please stand up?) But hey, when you are riding a hot hand like Mr. Lombardi, you let it ride. Am I right?


UNBUTTONING THE BLOUSE
2.) LASORDA'S MANICOTTI (2nd Place/14th SOS/131H/132P = 277)
Don’t look now…seriously, don’t. It will pain you. LM’s offense is starting to really click and that scares the metrosexual out of us, as that likely foretells massive, debilitating ass-poundings for his future opponents. Two words: Ryan Howard. What’s that you ask? Oh, just the only regular LM starter who didn’t hit over .300 this past week. Now, his pitching was less than stellar this week than typical for Tommy’s Boys, but hey, thanks to Los Español Aventuras di Ricardo…buenos noches mes amigos!

3.) EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU (4th Place/5th SOS/103H/134P = 258)
The slow, steady rise continues for this plucky club of god-fearin’ misfits. This week we noted that Equipe returned to the time-honored strategy of employing six bullpen pitchers, allowing it to drive its ERA and WHIP down to ungodly levels. While we still aren’t completely sold on this vanilla ice cream loving prayer circle jerk, it's clear PMF simply couldn’t handle Equipe's trademark EBRBIAH approach to offense. (Everything But RBIs and Homers) The young and talented outfield just keeps on producing in just about every category, so much so that veteran Equiper Fonzy Soriano rode the bench for much of the week. Rumor has it, the Fonz has jumped the shark as far as Equipe is concerned and is being actively shopped by the team's GM. As for the "break out" by Carlos Quinten, like Guillen, it looks Equipe is going to let it ride until the wheels come off.

4.) FECAL CLATTER (3rd Place/13th SOS/155H/83P = 252)
We know, we know – FC shat the bed against The Flash. But, good god, a “down” week out of FC’s offense would still have beaten more than half the league. This begs the question, where did this offensive juggernaut come from and what did it do with the bracchiophillic GM Christopher David Sahl? One thing is for sure, his undying love for all things young and Arizonian looks like its no longer unrequited. The C&C Music Factory of Jackson and Young just keep on banging out the hits. On the flip side, what the hell happened to the pitching? The worst part for CDS is that the problems are not entirely talent related (although that is a legitimate concern) rather, the majority of the recent damage has been self-inflicted, bone-headed self-flagellation. We hope CDS hasn’t gotten so dong-crazy watching Hart and Young, that he’s forgotten the beauty of a well-pitched week.


CABALLO NEGRO
5.) THE MOTHERSHIP (7th Place/12th SOS/124H/92P = 227)
Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. This week, Mike was gently braised in a balsamic reduction before being paired with organic, pesticide free fiddlehead ferns, a turnip and fingerling mash and a rich, full-bodied bottle of 2004 Bodegas El Nido. I hope LU raised a glass to the middle infield, because it was (uncharacteristically) the Ship's toothpick-wielders who let him down this week. Of course, it also didn’t help that the music (finally) stopped in his pitching rotation's game of musical chairs…leaving Andy Petite, Armando Galarraga, Jeff Francis, Gavin Floyd and Manny Acosta standing around awkwardly holding mediocre results. Still, we’d love to Fukudome anytime, anywhere and we would totally take Kelly Johnson to prom. On a serious tip, we only kid cause we love, Mikey Boy. We know you're built Tonka tough.


PEEPING TOMS
6.) THE FLASH (6th Place/1st SOS/109H/84P = 216)
We know that felt good. After weeks and weeks slogging it out against the toughest schedule in the league, the Flash has a signature victory…and a decisive one at that. In general, The Flash just outproduced FC at every level offensively and managed to eek out some razor thin margins. We tip our cap to a well-managed week and would like to propose a toast to a ridiculously awesome bullpen week. Huzzah! Hell, that almost makes up for the taste left in our mouths after watching Lowe throw over 50 pitches without recording an out in the first on Sunday…almost.

7.) D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES (5th Place/7th SOS/91H/101P = 210)
O Manny, Manny, where for art thou, Manny? Certainly not putting up solid numbers for DLBP. For the first week in recent memory, we saw the limits of bikram yoga and The Secret, and Manny looked disappointingly human. All in all, it was just a tough loss last week to the “Bengie Molina’s Wreckin Shop.” On the bright side, we saw the successful return of Cuddyer to the lineup who promptly put up five RBIs. Really, the offense was actually quite decent, with solid production out of most of the key players; the real let down for DLBP was a pitching staff who failed to record a win. Ouch. For the most part this unfortunate turn was the fault of the (totally absent) supporting offenses and strange, mindnumbing decisions by umpires. To clarify, we are referring specifically to Timmy Lincecum’s “loss” which was caused exclusively by a strange and inexplicable balk call in a 3-2 loss to the Rockies.

8.) POOR MAN'S FART (8th Place/2nd SOS/92H/97P = 209)
Perhaps nothing symbolizes PMF’s struggles so well as Roy Halladay. For the third week in a row, Halladay notched up a CG. However, this was somewhat unusual in one respect: he won. That’s right, this early in the season PMF has already suffered two CG Halladay losses. However, in the end a great pitching week fueled by incredible K-totals and great peripherals just couldn’t quite edge out the numbers put up by a stellar ERdR. On the offensive end, great weeks by Berkman, Pence and Loney fueled a spirited charge that put up top notch power numbers, but fell just short in the on-base peripherals. In the end, PMF has suffered through a brutal schedule and finished just three games under .500. If the offense continues to turn it around (and PMF finds a second basemen he actually likes for more than a day or two) then we expect a surge in the standings as PMF feasts on some weaker competition.


VASOLINE DREAMS
9.) SNATURALS (9th Place/10th SOS/110H/71P = 192)
It defies explanation. Snatty has Hernandez and Inge catching, yet still manages to get a spirited .313 BA and .826 OPS out of his lineup. It’s certainly a head-scratcher trying to figure out where his lineup found 70 hits, but we think the answer lies in the resurgence of David Ortiz. Having Derek Jeter put up 12 hits in a week ain’t so bad either. But, really, against any team other than VR, Snatty would not have fared so well. I mean, who wins the pitching battle with a 3-4 record, 4.14 ERA and only 1 save? This team needs to make a move for starting pitching yesterday.

10.) EL GUAPO (11th Place/11th SOS/77H/95P = 180)
For the second week, the Guapster had to do without ARod, yet somehow he managed to eek out a win. Kudos. He can thank two 11-hit performances out of Rowand and Hermida and the return of the Custino. We definitely feel silly suggesting that Guap cut the Custino after watching him blast moon shot after moon shot last week en route to a 2.076 OPS…unfortunately they were all solo shots. El Guapo’s pitching staff continued its impressive run with Gorzelanny, Haren, Sheets and Meche having impressive outings. Incredibly, Lidge, Percival and Todd Bleepin Jones all recorded saves in the same week. When was the last time that happened? 1998?

11.) THE BANANA BELT (10th Place/3rd SOS/81H/75P = 173)
Deep within the bowels of the League of Women Voters’ Society for Preservation of Humiliation, located in the staid and sober town of Rockport, MA, there resides an encyclopedic Annals of Most Reprehensible Gaffes and Errors to ever occur in the history of this illustrious league. In volume XII, between the dog-eared pages raccounting El Guapo’s oft noted illiteracy and H-Cloud’s expulsion from the league, future historians will find thirty pages of incredulous and apoplectic text penned by Nicholas Lombardi detailing the Banana Belt’s failure to meet the minimum innings requirement in a key matchup against rival LM. It appears Mssr. Lombardi must take up his quill once again, as our defending champion shat the proverbial bed again while living la vida loca.


THE DUNGEON MASTERS
12.) BONOMATORY INFLUENCE (12th Place/7th SOS/74H/70P = 155)
In what was billed as the “Battle of the Titans”, BI emerged victorious over unBeleaguerable. And as much as it shocks us, this was not a hollow victory. Nay, sir. BI actually put up respectable numbers. First off, his boys blasted 10 homers and managed to only strikeout 26 times. That’s fairly incredible. Second, his pitching staff put together one of the best weeks of the season, notching five victories, one CG/SHO and posting a sub 3 ERA. Wowee zowee. We think Hudson, Bonderman and Looper and Kuruda all took umbrage to our comments last week. We tip our cap. To make our crow eating session worse, BI has called up Mad Max Scherzer (who, incidentally, has only walked two batters all year in AAA) and has scheduled him to pitch TWICE against our native team, ERdR. For future reference, let sleeping dogs lie.

13.) UNBELEAGUERABLE (14th Place/7th SOS/81H/57P = 147)
God hates fags. I think that was pretty much proven this week. Oh wait, I mean, god hates Chads. Anyways, I’ve rarely seen a team suffer through all the notable pitching meltdowns in a single week…until now. Cueto, Corpas and Bannister…oh my. Is that a plus 6 ERA for the week? To make matters worse, Phil Huges managed to break a rib while attempting to fellate himself and is now likely to miss as much as two months. To be fair, his offensive numbers aren’t bad (outside of those K-totals), they just aren’t good enough to bouy those atrocious pitching numbers.

14.) VICIOUS RUMORS (13th Place/3rd SOS/71H/58P = 143)
Open letter to Vlad “the impaler” Guerrero, please stop sucking VR dry. It’s painful to watch. You can’t be the highest paid player in the league and put up .167 and a goose egg in just about every offensive category. Sincerely, the rest of the LOWV. Of course, Vlad is just symptomatic of the chronic underperformance that has plagued VR this season. We don’t get it. How can such an enticing core of players, featuring Vlad, Youk and Markakis be so bad? Hopefully, this is just a slow start. A painful, bone crushingly slow start…reminiscent of the great Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919.

Shortpants XXIX -- Below the Belt?

This week, Mike is joined by PMF and FC for an unprecedented Sunday evening Shortpants. With a lot of ground to cover, Mike discusses the fates and fortunes of every LOWV team, recent happenings in MLB and the introduction of thrilling new segment of the show: Significant and Notable Roster Adjustments.

Details covered in-depth include the ascendant BI, the retirement of Julio Franco, and Mike rendered speechless as the budding rivalry between ERdR and the Mothership continues to fester.

This episode is also the first fully illustrated Shortpants. Let us know what you think.

Episode XXIX