Episode VIII -- Brought To You By The Letter "B"

This week, host Mike Jones is joined by featured correspondent Nick Lombardi, producer Chris Sahl and senior contributor Rob Walls.

Among the highlights: Rob falls off the bench, Nick reviews his trip to Greece, Chris confuses Kenny G and Yanni, and Mike's relationship advice segment discusses effective deflection when confronted about BBW charges on a couple's credit card statement.

This episode is so fast-paced someone falls asleep during the show.

Episode VIII

Another Bloated Summer Blockbuster Released

Anxiety Over Radio Show Appearance Fells Lasorda

Just like a summer blockbuster that needs three hours to justify its exhorbitant price tag and cavalcade of stars, this very special episode of the Shortpants Radio Show carried on for an unprecedented running time. The file servers at LOWV headquarters collapsed under the weight of the brilliance and hilarity contained within the show, necessitating a trilogical release.

Present in the studio at various points: Host Mike Jones (The Mothership), featured contributor Rob Walls (Poor Man's Fart), producer Chris Sahl (Fecal Clatter), traveling correspondent Rick Kentz (The Banana Belt), commentator Andrew Beaton (Lasorda's Manicotti), brewer Chad Adams (unBeleaguerable) and guest movie critic James Aborn (The Snaturals).

Among the topics discussed: PMF debates the trade value of Baltimore middle reliever Jamie Walker; Mothership argues for the repeal of several statutory rape laws; Lasorda's becomes violently ill; unBeleaguerable fails at several attempted side conversations; Fecal Clatter debunks alleged secret codes sent by L'Equipe Roi du Radeau; Banana Belt advocates for the statistical changes and elucidates the fantasy value of Craig Biggio's 3000th hit; we learn that Snaturals speaks only when spoken to; and joey Buttofuoco ends up crashing on the futon for a week.

Too much has already been said. Kick back, fire up your director's cut DVD of Das Boot on mute (stoners the world around are already noting that the episode links up perfectly with the Wolfgang Petersen oontersea masterpiece), and find a comfy seat for Episode VII. What a ride.

The show can be downloaded at the links below:
Part I
Part II
Part III

LM Owner Poisoned in Brooklyn!

LOWV subterfuge reached a new low this past weekend: Lasorda's Manicotti owner Andrew Beaton was poisoned during a visit to the LOWV Headquarters in Brooklyn, New York. Although he is expected to make a full and complete recovery, LM agents are turning over trash cans and lurking in alleys all across the nation in a relentless quest to find out the identity of the perpetrator.

Beaton, who is also known by many pseudonyms including Dick Beatonian, R.F. Between, and Redstick I. Hayes, scrupulously maintains a low profile and has hired a legion of carrot topped body doubles to avoid the wrath of the many GMs he has humiliated on the LOWV playing field. He even eschews the urban living styles of many league owners, holing up in an oceanside compound north of Boston, protected by a small army of Amazon bodyguards. However, he let his guard down on an ill-advised visit to NYC, and traveled without an armed escort or, most crucially, his personal food taster Habib.

The dastardly poison was administered in a bowl of pistachio spumoni from L+B Spumoni Gardens in Bensonhurst. The friendly waiter who served the assortment of LOWV GMs turned quiet and surly halfway through the meal, and delivered spumoni to the table only reluctantly. Shortly after eating the poisoned spumoni, and halfway through the first segment of a taping of Short Pants Radio Hour, Beaton began to feel faint and lost feeling in his extremities. He staggered to the filthy Clermont bathroom and vacated the contents of his digestive system. Beaton was found in a fetal stance, moments from death. After re-reading the Kelsey Picknell issue of Speak Out!, the rest of the GMs decided to save him.

Miraculously, a tall glass of homebrew from unBeleaguerable's Chad Adams brought Beaton back from the brink of the afterlife. Tests at the nearby Brooklyn Hospital Center revealed that the tainted spumoni contained a small but potent dose of a poison from an Australian tree frog that is generally fatal when ingested, and for which the only known antidote is seaweed infused with hydrogen. By sheer coincidence, this very combination is present in Adams' fortuitous brew, which is sold in DC bodegas under the name "Menage a Qua".

The list of suspects in the attempted assassination is nearly as long as the list of people who have cursed Beaton and wished for his untimely demise. PMF owner Bobby Walls led the expedition to L+B, making him an obvious suspect. However, legendary friend-datee Liz was present at the fateful meal, and since Walls is on the record saying "she makes me want to be a better man," his involvement is thought to be marginal at most. Snaturals owner Major Beans is a known rival of LM and was also in attendance at the Spumoni Gardens - but he was busy textmessaging his lady love E-ink Eva during the entire meal. Commissioner C. Dave Sahl was also present, and the waiter's suspicious behavior had all the hallmarks of a Blackwater family-napping, but Beaton (or one of his body doubles) was spotted with Sahl at Sunday's Red Sox-Orioles game, using the power of his legendary rally cap to emotionally castrate Chris Ray and help FC to a tie. Thus, it seems LM management has already exonerated the Commish.

According to internet rumors and off-the-record sources, a major suspect in the ongoing investigation is Equipe founder Nels Coq au Vin, who may have been hoping to off his then-opponent merely to help his floundering team move up in the standings. When the poisoning took place, ERdR was locked in a 9-8 struggle with LM, but after Beaton's recovery, the Manicotti put a serious 12-6 thrashing on Equipe. Coq au Vin is renowned for his ruthlessness and skulduggery, most notoriously convincing Mama Jams' lesbian lover Kelly to participate in deeds of evil trickery. Few LOWV insiders would put it past Coq au Vin to murder an opponent for a few extra games in the standings. One LOWV luminary has already pointed the finger of blame: Tommy Lasorda issued a statement reading, "No fucking doubt that Neil's team is behind the attempted murder of our glorious owner! You dirty lowdown fatherfuckers! I'm gonna tell my buddy Jesus Christ about this!"

A compelling alternative theory is that of mistaken identity. Due to their use of a complimentary certificate, the manager of the Spumoni Gardens mistook the GMs for Rachael Ray's husband's band. Since this band is known to suck, with such forgettable numbers as "It Burns When I'm Inside You", it is entirely possible that L+B management decided to spare the universe any further musical torment by executing one or more of its members.

Approached for comment, The Mothership's Mike Jones scoffed at the idea that Beaton had even been poisoned in the first place. "Dooooooooood...I think he was just scared shitless being on Short Pants for the first time. He couldn't handle the pressure and fell apart like DLBP on a Sunday. I bet he's already complaining about this shit. He's like that kid in high school who gets straight A's and whines and cries when he gets an A minus."

Short Pants Radio Hour Ep 6

A shorthanded but enthousiastic crew attacks the weeks biggest issues. Short Pants returns with its sixth episode. Sahl (FC), Jones (Mothership) and Kentz (BB) are in the studio. Walls (PMF) and Lombardi (LU) are on assignment.

Highlights: Gang discusses the Mets; speculate on Clemens; Sahl slobs on Lincecum’s nob then reveals his love for Wang; Hunter Pence is outed as a goofy looking Jeff Weaver; Equipe gets nod for wily use of pitch and ditch strategy; Jones provides further proof his is an illiterate bastard; rampant speculation on the future of Nathan; gang answers some mailbag; names Reyes early season MVP; Jones complains about the alimony he pays Equipe for Delgado.

Game-Fixing Scandal Rocks LOWV:Mitchell Commission to Investigate Sahl

Brooklyn, New York – The sports world is talking about the game-fixing scandal rocking the League of Women Voters. The Mitchell Commission has vowed to investigate charges that former Fecal Clatter GM and current LOWV Commissioner Christopher David Sahl rigged the outcome of several baseball games through the use of and threat of violence against players and their families.

The charges stem from the LOWV matchup between Fecal Clatter and Equipe Roi du Radeau during the week of April 30th to May 6th. In Thursday’s installment of the series, Lugo was stationed at the infield position for FC while Daisuke Matsuzaka took the mound for Equipe.

In the span of one inning, Lugo committed several gaffes that led to a 35-pitch, 5-run inning for young Matsuzaka. After Matsuzaka, squeezed by an overzealous home plate umpire, walked the first three batters, Lugo had a routine grounder hit to his right side. Rather than turn the routine double play, Lugo elected to throw out the lead runner at third. On the two subsequent batters, he botched a simple grounder to his left side and a shallow pop up just outside the infield. These blunders caused five runs to score and ended any chance Matsuzaka had at a quality start.

Immediately following the game, Equipe GM Nils Coq au Vin filed a complaint with league officials. However, the league commissioner was unresponsive. Christopher Sahl, the commissioner and former FC GM, called the charges preposterous and baseless.

“The Commissioner’s office is dedicated to providing the most competitive, fair and balanced league in the world. Any charges of impropriety are absurd in the extreme.”

A visibly worn out, yet relieved Lugo made the following statement to the throng of reporters surrounding his locker: “I’ll just be happy to see my family again. I was definitely nervous out there. I can not tell you how much pressure I felt. But, I did what I had to do.” Lugo then quickly boarded the Commissioner’s private Gulfstream. Lugo refused to comment on where he was headed, but sources within FC suggested the plane was headed to Blackwater’s compound in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.


Little is known about Blackwater. Formed in 1997 by Sahl to provide training support to military and law enforcement organizations, it has been accused of being nothing more than a mercenary outfit operating under the color of U.S. authority. Blackwater USA is sometimes described by its critics as "soldiers of fortune."

The Blackwater compound sits on land that was formerly part of the US military base in Guantanamo Bay and contains an imposing military bunker. While the land was officially sold to Blackwater as part of a deal with the US government, Sahl, as CEO and president of the nation’s largest private military and security company often uses it as a private retreat. However, despite its reported use as “hosting corporate retreats”, locals report that American military planes often land on the property in the middle of the night and deposit bound and blindfolded prisoners into the custody of Blackwater’s heavily armed personnel. This has led to the speculation that Lugo’s family is being held hostage as collateral ensuring cooperation.

This is not the first time charges have been leveled against the Commissioner’s office for match fixing. In the heat of the 2006 playoffs, longtime Banana Belt catcher and captain, Victor Martinez, rocked the sports world when he alleged Sahl had threatened his life. Martinez claimed Sahl demanded he “throw the series or he’d be sorry.”

While those charges were never proven, Martinez later left BB and signed with FC for substantially less money. These suspicious circumstances have long fueled speculation that Sahl used ethically questionable tactics to strong-arm opponents, coerce free agent signings and motivate his roster.

The truth may never come to light. However, the Mitchell Commission has vowed to get to the heart of the matter. Many league insiders welcomed the news. One spoke under condition of anonymity, “It would be hard for them to duplicate his combination of baseball knowledge and interests, and his experience with criminal investigations and prosecutions. The guy has investigated and prosecuted dozens and dozens of crimes. I never met a bigger straight arrow.”

Matsuzaka seemed visibly shaken by the news. While he was initially irate at Lugo's inability to field simple ground balls, he seemed to calm down immediately after a brief conversation with a LOWV official. After the whispered conversation, Matsuzaka refused to comment on the matter, but instead chose to deflect attention from it and speak repeatedly about his love for his wife and his hopes to see her again soon.

Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, it is clear that the LOWV will never be the same.

PMF BREAKDOWN

Overheard Around the LOWV...

A new fun feature at the LOWV Blog. Recent actual quotes from players around the league. No additional words have been added between the quotation marks.

"I asked him, 'Are you OK?' and I heard him say, 'My arm, my arm!' " El Guapo third-sacker Mike Lowell said after injuring Banana Belt designated hitter Mike Piazza on his flashy head-first slide into third. "I was like, 'Let me just get out of here.' What am I going to do, hug him?"

"I guess I hit his 'honey hole,'" El Guapo ace Ben Sheets said after giving up a bomb to Lacey Underalls outfielder Chris Duncan. "He put a charge in that one."

"Lately, I've been getting real bigheaded about myself," The Flash’s reliever Joel Zumaya said modestly. "I've been falling into a little trap -- 'Oh, it's Zumaya Time, these guys can't hit me' -- instead of going out there and doing what I (was) doing last year."

"It's embarrassing," Josh Towers – whose perennial piece-of-shit pitching will never get him a whiff of an LOWV roster -- lamented after giving up a bomb to the decrepit Vicious Rumors slugger Sammy Sosa. "I know how many homers he's hit, but he's got so many holes [in his swing]."

“The weekend finally came to an end, and I was able to do some very exciting things. Earlier this past week I got a flat on my Denali and had to have someone come and replace the vehicle so the tire could be fixed. Even though I have only been in the new Denali for about a month, I have already grown accustomed to my new car and was looking forward to getting it back. The car was returned on Friday,” Equipe centerfielder Curtis Granderson wrote on his blog, proving that he’s as big of a barrel of laughs as his dowdy general manager. “The next exciting thing I did was Sunday after our game: I headed to Wal-Mart to buy a few basic things for my apartment and a few snacks.”

Banana Belt set-up specialist Pat Neshek chimed in on his own blog: “I gotta start to get some of my new cards up under the “baseball cards” section. I have been slacking and don’t even have my AAA cards up there yet. I was also wondering the other day if there is anyway or if anyone knows how to make a website where people can add to say a checklist for all my #599 Topps Chrome Rookie Card. I thought it would be really neat to get a checklist of every number and see where and who has these cards.”

"Yeah, next time instead of moving it, I might just wheel it," said former Poor Man's Fart reliever Bob Howry said after injuring his back moving the grill on his patio. "I didn't want to take the cover off to use the wheels, so I just picked it up." Long frustrated by Howry's laziness, the incident proved the final straw for PMF, who summarily released the grillmeister.

Said Tom Glavine about The Flash's befuddling pitching strategy: "It adds a little bit of craziness to the mix. You'd love nothing better than to come in here everyday and know whose pitching. ...That's not the case. If the guy you bring in here has a bad game, or a bad couple of games, yeah, there's a little bit of 'Who's pitching tonight?'"

"I'm here to get my fair share of money," Lacey Underalls’ extraordinary closer Jonathan Papelbon said. "My main priority is to stay healthy and be able to make money, not to go out and try and hurry up and win a championship this year (at the risk of injury). I've got a lot of money to be made in this game, whether it's with [the Lacey Underalls] or not. My goal is to make sure I'm ready to play every day and to make money, and you can't make money if you're sitting on the bench.”

“It was a tough week for me,” The Snaturals outfielder Torii Hunter rationalized acting like a pussy and shutting down his charge of the mound after getting a faceball to the face. “I’ve been in the champagne scandal, the Jackie Robinson comments. And I thought about all of that and said, ‘Man I can’t give anybody else something to talk about.’ So I just shut it down.”

"Sometimes, it does bother you," Flash’s Ian Snell said about his poor run support.

"Being cold, it's tough to get warmed up. Sometimes, it's the windy days, the wind blowing in your eyes, and different kind of stuff," whined Lasorda’s Manicotti’s Ryan Howard about his slow start to the season.


Some favorite baseball-related YouTube clips laying around.

David Ortiz plays badminton:

Lee Elia’s tirade, my personal favorite. FYI: Extremely profane:

Another Japanese pitcher gets the shit scared out of him:

Finally, we’ve already enjoyed the greatest baseball highlight of all time, but I still can’t find a clip of arguably the second-best: when a crippled 40-year-old Bill Buckner hit an 45-second inside-the-park homer during his brief 1990 comeback with the Red Sox after Claudell Washington fell into the stands and broke his leg. If anyone finds it, please send it to me immediately and make my week.