Loose Lips Sink Ships

The Sweet and LOWV Down News Hour:LOWVing the Bubble

2011-06-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

Put up your hair and slide into a steaming hot tub of the Sweet and LOWV Down. This week's epic show finds your hosts breaking down the updated rotisserie standings and statistics in the LOWV THISS report.

Got two hours? This epic podcast is the finest LOWV talk you'll find until Mike Jones finishes up his stint as the court appointed mediator in the NFL labor dispute.

As always, if you're pressed for time, just skip ahead to listen to these aural masseuses work out the knots surrounding your team and give us a shout with your complaints and corrections.

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The Sweet and LOWV Down News Hour:This Tweet is R-Rated

2011-06-02T07:03:00.000-07:00

Skate on out onto a frozen pond of knowledge with another installment of the Sweet and LOWV Down. To start this week's truly epic show, your correspondents first expose their ignorance of everything NHL; discuss the Red Hot Sox; breakdown ESPN's "Franchise Player" draft; re-tweet Lo-Mo's latest words of wisdom; sing the ballad of Rich Hill; investigate the open field hit on Buster Posey; and ponder a beer with Wilpon.

Your rambling hosts then turn their attention to the LOWV, discussing eight dramatic matchups from the last three weeks: General Bobby "Lee" Wall's valiant charge into LM's breach; the death of a season, a play by LU, starring DLBP; unB's crimes against the scheduling gods, their wrath is named Equipe; Snatty's late run nearly catches BB flat footed; ascendant BI pitches past DLBP; VR feasts on Guap's children; Flash drops Ship's anchor; and the distant drumbeat of FC's march to glory terrifies Rome and the LM.

Got two hours? This epic podcast is the finest LOWV talk you'll find until Mike Jones returns from leading his Dothraki horsemen over the Narrow Sea and has reclaimed the throne for his Targaryen bride. As always, if you're pressed for time, just skip ahead to listen to these backstabbing eunuchs and whoremongers besmirch your bannermen and send us a raven with your complaints and corrections.

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LOWV THISS Report Published

2011-05-13T15:39:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK, NEW YORK -- This afternoon, The Heidegger Institute of Sports Science published its much anticipated first quarter report on the 2011 League of Women Voters season. The report analyzed the statistical output of the 14 teams, their hypothetical standings in a rotisserie format, and the return on investment for players signed in the 2011 auction. Earlier this week, the LOWV THISS Report was leaked to the Sweet and LOWV Down News Hour, which discussed the results in their May 9, 2011 broadcast.

The Sweet and LOWV Down News Hour:You're Gonna LOWV THISS

2011-05-10T07:38:00.000-07:00

Break out your listening trunks and dive into the deep end of the Sweet and LOWV Down. To start this week's epic show, your correspondents first discuss the unpredictable start to the MLB season; investigate Bobby Bonilla's pension plan; show Gloria Allred where the bad man put his bat; voice a new verse to the ballad of Lenny Dykstra; and update the hottest bats and arms races.

Your humble hosts then turn their attention to the LOWV, discussing each matchup from the last week of action: unB collects another trophy; Flash cuts off LM mid-funk; BB races past FC; ERdR and VR chalk up DLBP and Ship; BI sublets the ASL cellar to LU; and Snatty splits Guap's arrow.

Finally, the LOWV Down provides an exclusive sneak preview of the upcoming first quarter statistical report by The Heidegger Institute of Sports Sciene (LOWV THISS) and discuss the oft- surprising rotisserie standings and the implications of imbalanced schedules. You won't want to miss this, as the reporters learn how drastically the statistical standings vary from the current standings.

Got two hours? This epic podcast is the finest LOWV talk you'll find until Mike Jones returns from Lenny Dykstra's scrap metal yard. As always, if you're pressed for time, just skip ahead to listen to these know-nothings sick the war dogs on you, toss that human shield aside and send us a video response from your walled compound.

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The Sweet and LOWV Down News Hour: Intervention in Dodgertown

2011-04-26T07:21:00.000-07:00

It's that time again, so sit back and and soak in the Sweet and LOWV Down. This week, the dastardly duo breaks down the last few weeks of baseball: Selig declares martial law in Dodgertown; Mets are asked to SAC up; Bonds raises OBP with free pass; Braun gets rich and weepy; another Red Sox championship tainted; and updates on the hottest bats and arms races.

The hosts then turn their attention to the LOWV, discussing each matchup from the last week of action: LU learns that fortune favors the bold; Flash reacquaints self with earth; it's no rumor, VR is back; unB tests the limits of offensive futility; FC shows Guap where he can put his slider; short-armed BB squeaks by BI; DLBP and Ship lose beauty contest; PMF subprime bubble continues to swell; and Snatty gets an intervention.

Got an hour? This is the finest LOWV talk you'll find until Mike Jones gets back from the candlelight vigil in honor of Ryan Braun's contract extension. As always, if you're pressed for time, just skip ahead to listen to us besmirch you, uncork your slouch and write us a wingeing email.

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The Sweet and LOWV Down News Hour: Ex-Mistress Sweeps the Leg!

2011-04-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

Gather round, the Sweet and LOWV Down returns for its long awaited third installment. This week, the crew breaks down the first week of baseball: Manny intentionally walks, the absolute worst case outcome for an affair, Turtle and E to the rescue of the Mets, and early picks for MLB playoffs, MVP, Cy Young and ROY.

The hosts then turn their attention to the LOWV, discussing each matchup from the first week of action. PMF's radical day trading approach pays early dividends; BB opens Lost Ark, melts faces; the Bonoma Touch turns arms to shit; Lasorda catches ARod playing snookie; Snatty visits wrong end of the kill room; unB - sergeant of arms; and Equipe wins 9-9!

Got an hour? This is the finest LOWV talk you'll find until Mike Jones ends his run on Broadway as the lead in Warhorse. As always, if you're pressed for time, just skip ahead to listen to us defame your squad, unbunch your panties and write us a reactionary screed.

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The Sweet and LOWV Down News Hour: On Bended Knee with a Girl Named Nelson

2011-03-08T07:02:00.000-08:00

The Sweet and LOWVdown returns for its highly anticipated (by about three GMs) second installment. Spring training storylines are analyzed, injuries are bemoaned and Coco Crisp's weird exploits are related. Is Mike Piazza the white knight owner the Mets need, or just a sketchy paisan with backne? Will Alcides Escobar ever recover from his bug bite?

The hosts then turn their attention to the LOWV, discussing each team in the league. Auction and draft pickups go under the microscope, the Commissioner's Nostradamus-like predictions are decoded, and the hosts give their own crystal-ball view of every team's 2011 finish.

Got two hours? This is the finest LOWV talk you'll find until Mike Jones emerges from the pit of the latest Duncan Sheik tuner. If you're pressed for time, just skip to the part where we discuss your team and defame your GMsmanship, then write an incendiary email to us and call it a day.

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The Sweet and LOWV Down News Hour: Debut Episode

2011-02-22T06:47:00.000-08:00

The Sweet and LOWV Down News Hour debuts: your best source for LOWV scuttlebutt and speculation. The biggest gossips in the league sit down for a frank and balanced discussion of recent events around the League. This week, Andrew and Neil discuss the ballad of James Buchanan, grilling with the Sabathias, arbitration amnesia, VR: Behind the Music, the unBeleaguerable new trade model, the LOWV's possible entre into outsourcing, and the much anticipated auction and draft.

Trouble with the link above? Try downloading from here or here.

How Do You Harvest a Top xFIPman?

2009-09-28T07:17:00.000-07:00

RJ Anderson of FanGraphs ran a blog post today that addressed the following issue:

For the majority of major league teams, this is the final week of their season. This means back to the planning board for the front offices as they decide whether to buy this off-season, sell, do both, or attempt to remain static moving forward. One thing is for sure: every team in the league – barring perhaps the Yankees – could use more star power. So how do you acquire stars?

Let’s start with the starting pitchers. Obviously “star” is a word with ambiguous meaning. For some it means a guy who will move tickets, sell jerseys, and land them a marquee spot in the highlights on nights he pitches. For others it means one of the best pitchers in the league whose performance should bring the attention and spotlight, but everyone knows that’s not always a guarantee.

For this set of exercises I’m choosing to define star as the latter. I’ve taken the top 30 starters as told by THT’s xFIP metric. Why xFIP? Because it normalizes home run rates and saves time in noting certain pitcher performances in ballparks like those Oakland and San Diego. From there I noted how each was acquired by their current team.

Anderson ends up concluding that signing an ace in free agency isn't the way to go, because few of the top-30 xFIP pitchers were obtained via free agency (11 pitchers acquired via trade, 13 in the draft, 3 as international FAs, and 3 as veteran FAs).

I decided to examine this same list of 30 pitchers in the context of LOWV, because like major league GMs, many LOWV GMs will be looking to pick up an ace this offseason -- witness the overheated Harden auction for evidence of that.

(Granted, it would be dumb to shell out for an ace without taking into account the park and defense he's dealing with, but at the same time players are known to change teams without warning, so ideally your ace will be a stud whether he's pitching in Metco or Yankee Stadium.)

So -- how did this crop of primo SPs end up with their current teams?

1. Javier Vazquez – 2007 auction
2. Tim Lincecum – free agent
3. Dan Haren – trade with Guapo (offseason)
4. Roy Halladay – trade with PMF (offseason)
5. Zack Greinke – free agent
6. Jon Lester – trade with LM (in-season)
7. Josh Johnson – free agent
8. Justin Verlander – free agent
9. Ricky Nolasco – trade with LM (in-season)
10. Adam Wainwright – free agent
11. Chris Carpenter – waiver auction
12. Felix Hernandez – 2007 auction
13. Josh Beckett – waiver auction
14. Joel Pineiro – free agent
15. Ubaldo Jimenez – free agent
16. Cole Hamels – free agent
17. Wandy Rodriguez – trade with ERdR (offseason)
18. Yovani Gallardo – waiver auction
19. Gavin Floyd – trade with unB (offseason)
20. Brett Anderson – trade with Guapo (in-season)
21. Jorge de la Rosa — free agent
22. Jason Hammel – *unsigned free agent*
23. CC Sabathia – 2006 draft
24. Ryan Dempster – free agent?
25. Roy Oswalt – 2006 draft
26. Aaron Harang – trade with VR (in-season)
27. Max Scherzer – JRL draft
28. Chad Billingsley – waiver auction
29. Joe Blanton – free agent
30. Clayton Kershaw – JRL draft

2006 DRAFT: 2 (Sabathia, Oswalt)
2007 AUCTION: 2 (Vazquez, Hernandez)
WAIVER AUCTIONS: 4 (Carpenter, Beckett, Gallardo, Billingsley)
TRADES (offseason): 4 (Haren, Halladay, W. Rodriguez, Floyd)
TRADES (in-season): 4 (Lester, Nolasco, Anderson, Harang)
FREE AGENTS: 10 (Lincecum, Grienke, Johnson, Verlander, Wainwright, Piniero?, Hamels?, de la Rosa, Dempster?, Blanton)
JUNIOR LEAGUE: 2 (Scherzer, Kershaw)
SHOPPING WITH FOOD STAMPS: 1 (Hammel)

These results are both quite interesting and mildly misleading.

The first thing that jumps out at you is that fully 1/3 of these pitchers were signed to minimum contracts as free agents, who at one point were available for anyone to snag. However, this number includes two sets of players: scrap-heap finds, like de la Rosa and Blanton, and rookie pitchers turned aces, like Lincecum, Verlander, Hamels and Grienke. My guess is that in the future, ace-provenance lists will show fewer FAs and more Junior League draftees (whether developed by their organization or traded for, a la Brett Anderson). Still, it seems as though in any given year, several top pitchers will go into the season with low expectations and little hype, ready to be snared by the watchful GM. Keep that in mind before you splurge on an SP.

Eight top pitchers came via trade, four in midseason (defined as occurring after the draft/auction) and four in the offseason. Ace pitchers shouldn't get too comfortable in any LOWV city, because they may be traded at any time. If you're looking for a sweet starter, it seems advisable to hit up LM or Guapo, who have shown a propensity for shipping those dudes out of town...

Only a few pitchers who demonstrated 2009 brilliance have been with their teams since the 2006/2007 inaugural draft and auction, respectively. It appears that ZERO SPs of serious 2009 distinction were acquired in the 2008 or 2009 auctions. Again, expect this trend to reverse itself as the pinch of the salary cap boots quality SPs into the marketplace (and 2009 auctionee Tommy Hanson rises to prominence).

Finally...Jason Hammel? Highly underrated!

Dick's Digressions

2009-08-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

After a summer of blogging neglect, the owner of Lasorda's Manicotti takes to the Youtube to reflect on the state of affairs in the LOWV.

Part 1 includes commentary on the playoff contenders and a postmortem on LM's 2009 season.

Part 2 features harsh slams on the league's worst teams, along with championship predictions.

In typical LM style, these comments were off the cuff and candid. If you can't take the heat, I recommend you hit the back button.

Shortpants XXXVII -- The Fountain of Truth

2009-07-16T17:27:00.000-07:00

Shortpants is back with a sassy new haircut and ready to entertain and engage. The All-Star Break affords Mike an opportunity to discuss the first half of the season with regular guests FC, LU and PMF, as well as special guest DLBP. Mike leads the panel through a bevy of fascinating topics baseball and non-, including examinations of every team's performance, MLB analysis and the latest spicy celebrity gossip. We hear tales from the road, opining on films, tunes, tortilla chips and an introspective contemplation on whether ESPN hosting sucks creativity from the league and years off of GMs' ability to tap into the humor that keeps us joyful, youthful and fanciful.

Shortpants returns, even better than you remember.

Shortpants XXXVII

Tommy's .500 Thoughts - Part Two

2009-05-07T16:32:00.000-07:00

Tommy's .523 thoughts at this point, but that's not much better, now, is it?

It isn't.

CHRISTIAN TEMPERANCE YOUUUUU

The entire baseball world was rocked today when the news dropped that Manny Ramirez has been suspended 50 games for PED use. One of the two top teams in LOWV received the shocking news that its MVP had been busted and would miss a third of the season.

D'Lucious Bitch Pies has absolutely dominated the junior circuit thus far. Four convincing wins against division opponents has put DLBP way out front and starting to run away with the flag. Just like the Dodgers, the Manny-paced Pies were looking like playoff locks already.

Without Manny, DLBP loses its best run producer. But I contend that this is still probably the team to beat in the CTU.

Tim Wakefield has notched 2 complete games so far this season. When the veteran hit arbitration last winter, Chris said putting him out there could hurt! Rick called him "Old Noodle Arm!" Longtime owner John callously gave him a -3 and nobody blinked an eye! Chad wondered if he was even fantasy worthy!!!

Unbeleaguerable!!

VR compared Wakefield to the old ramblin gambler in Bob Seger's immortal "Still the Same." I think that was about right. Wake isn't going to sustain a 2.91 ERA and 1.09 WHIP for the whole season, but the dude is a warrior who can count on solid run support. When he's floating that bitch, he can be very difficult to hit. THREE DOLLARS for this pitcher was highway robbery of the arbitrary kind.

Shame on you, talent evaluators of LOWV.

Napoli, Cantu and Carlos Pena have brought hot bats into play...DLBP has been superb on offense. While losing Manny won't help their hitting game, they face Snatty and unB the next two weeks before squaring off against LM - and recent history shows that's an advantage for the Pies as well. If Javier Vasquez gets his act together, and Alex Rios and Chris Davis get their acts together, there's no reason this team can't absorb the loss of Manny (and the underperformance of Kazmir and injury to Zambrano) for a couple of months.

Manny will come back rested and ready to destroy NL West pitching...

I'm facing down the powerful offense and troubled pitching staff of Vicious Rumors this week. This team has had a great season, other than last week when they were mercilessly butt boned by D'Lucious in their biannual freeway battle. Emphasis on the bi.

Whether through blind loyalty or canny evaluation, VR believed in Kevin Youkilis and Dustin Pedroia when many other league GMs did not, and now he owns two of the best properties in the hitting-rich AL East. Matt Wieters stuck in AAA? No problem, Kurt Suzuki will destroy enemy pitching to the tune of .312/.830. Meanwhile fellow Hawaiian Shane Victorino goes .306/.878 and looks good doing it.

On the reverse, VR has had one of the weaker pitching staffs around, only buoyed by temporary thangs Kevin Milkweed and Edwin Jackson. Josh Beckett has been a wreck, Jon Lester has had some bad luck, Andy Sonnanstine has been stinky and Huston Street has sucked.

But it's hard for me to talk too much shit about VR's pitching staff when he taunts me with this picture:

Matt Garza, you lucky devil!! Why didn't I strategically have a kid at 17 so I could someday kick it with Hayden and Bristol P????

VR, I'm not going so far as to say "you're going down!" this week, but I will say that you will be fiercely battled to a near-draw, as my team has been pretty consistent in that regard this season.

A strong contender thus far in CTU has been the team from San Francisco, El Guapo. I faced this team a couple of weeks back and almost got routed. A brave comeback salvaged a respectable loss, because I'm such a good manager, but still, he kicked my ass that week. Although he was thrashed by DLBP (are you detecting a theme within this article), he's otherwise been a match for all other division competition.

Zack Motherfucking Grienke finally wiped the tears from his eyes, refused to let a good thing die, and hit the mound to carve up some strike zones. 3 complete games, 2 shutouts, 54K, 8BB. Skeet skeet goddamn!!! We can't build our dreams on suspicious minds, so I'm ready to believe this is the harbinger of a new Grienk-era.

Although Guapo has a closet full of sketchy pitchers (Zito, Sheets, Chien-Ming Wang, Anibal Sanchez), he's getting solid pitching stats overall, and Grienke has been a killer weapon for him. The problem for Jim is on offense, where his team ranks in the bottom quartile in nearly every category. EG is the only LOWV team with less than 250 hits, is one of only two teams to fall short of 30 HR, and ranks dead last in RBI with 118. Unless his veteran-stocked team improves its work with the stick, Guapo is not going to sniff the playoffs in 2009.

Can't hurt that Alex Rodriguez is limbering up for a return. One league GM mentioned to me that A-Rod's 50 game absence is wicked suspicious.

Last week I topped the Mothership 11-7-4, which by the way is one tick better than DLBP managed the week before. When controlling for opponent, LM is clearly superior! It's Science.

Of course, it helped that Josh Hamilton went down the week we battled. Without Hamilton and Doumit out there, I hardly can tell that I'm playing the Ship. If it wasn't for Adam Jones tearing it up out there (see, I told you that was a fair trade), I would have been pretty baffled.

With a poignancy so real you can caress it, Mothership has continued to carry Nick Adenhart on his roster in a tribute to the lost pitcher.

Some GMs find it heartbreaking, but at least one confided in me that he thinks it's gay and "you gotta move on."

Less touching is the Mothership organization's failure thus far to deliver an ante to the league office, according to the meticulously maintained "TranCounter" page...

Mothership has a lot of nice pieces once its two most exciting players return from injury, and with Clayton Kershaw continuing to develop, along with a startlingly good bullpen, the Ship will fuck some people up this season. John Maine, on the other hand, seems determined to play himself into LOWV free agency.

Snatty Bobolatty laid a bing bong biznatty on Flash this week. When the dust settled the Snaturals had laid a 13-4-5 deuce on the face of the only Boston-area team headquartered in the city itself.

Things went quickly downhill from there, and I want to be the first to share it with you. Flash went out to drown his sorrows at a Jimmy Buffett concert and was later captured on film in a state of Parrotheadedness:

I'm not even sure how to follow that up.

Uh...the Snaturals have gotten their offense going recently, even without the help of David Ortiz. Torii Hunter, Johnny Damon, and Nick Swisher have been bopping. Mike Pelfrey and Brad Penny have been crappy, but Zach Duke, Glen Perkins and Jordan Zimmermann have been unexpectedly strong contributors.

That said, this team still sits several games below .500 and well out of the division lead a mere month into the season.

Of all teams in the LOWV, Snatty is the most poised to make dramatic changes in search of rebuilding efforts. He has a collection of 30-something offensive players who could potentially be appealing to a contending club in a trade: David Ortiz, Jorge Posada, Derek Jeter, and the 29 year old Adam Dunn. Major Beans has come to the realization that he needs to move some of these older players and establish a solid core of young, promising talent.

Who wasn't surprised to see Mark Teahen and Xavier Nady shown the door by an organization that once laid a carpet of rose petals before their path? Snatty could make a splash this season if he decides to jettison high-salaried stars in search of future glory - unless the LOWV's noted obsession with youth and potential depresses the market for a veteran All-Star.

PAY YOUR ANTE SNATTY!!!

OK, now for the biggest mystery in the LOWV right now. What the hell is going on with ERdR ownership?

In recent weeks, ERdR's NCaV very publicly courted Pelle Smith, a one-time LOWV target after the collapse of Chupacabras and H Cloud, to come on board. He announced the "signing" of a co-owner to several GMs at a summit at Major Beans' estate in Medford after an outing to the People's Republic saloon in Camridge in celebration of Mr. Smith's pending nuptials. Coq au Vin explained that his upcoming work to sponsor Somalian piracy would prevent him from fully seeing to day-to-day operations, as which time the vim and vigor of Smith's viking spirit would guide Equipe into battle. Two days later, this agreement was validated by the addition of Mr. Smith to the ownership ranks of the LOWV league page.

Since that time, however, no announcement has been made through any of the public channels routinely used by ERdR to proclaim his team's achievements, even those that take place only in the realms of his mind. So what gives? Sources say that Mr. Smith still appears primarily concerned with a team in an odious CBS Sportsline league. Is this apparently brilliant stroke legit or not?

My guess and hope is that Smith will eventually become an active entrant into the fray, prosecuting Equipe's Christian Temperance agenda upon the infidels of the Anti-Saloon League. This would establish a major power base of the CTU in a small-hectare zone of Somerville and Medford. From which the LOWV will be completely and totally conquered!!!!

In the meantime, the team stinks, but injuries and underperformance have bedeviled this unlucky squad. ERdR is a better team than its .438 winning percentage suggests. I don't project ERdR to dominate in 2009 after this start, but this team will certainly be a factor at some point in the season assuming Teixiera starts to hit and Webb comes back strong to team with Haren and the always-wily bullpen. It's worth noting that this team has one of the strongest corps of young prospects in the game, so one more last-stand-of-the-Devil-Rays type seasons might not be the worst thing in the world.

LASORDA'S MANICOTTI

A perfectly average team thus far. I don't like to see the world in shades of gray when black and white are available, so let's look at who was awesome and who sucked.

Adam Lind. Keeping him onboard was more of a borderline call than I want to admit. With the emergence of Snider and the lack of openings in the Jays outfield, Lind turned uncertainty into a rampage by shifting to DH and has kicked ass for me. He's among the AL leaders in RBI. The infield: Even with Hardy scuffling, Marco Scutaro stepped up to fill in at three positions, and all three 1bs - traditionally slow starters - have been raking. Ryan Howard hit a fucking triple!!!! Jose Arredondo. A bullpen monster with 18 k against 3 bb and 8 holds.

The accumulator of the most Tommy Points recently has been the unbelievably speedy Carl Crawford, who the New York Times dubbed "The Ice Man" in a recent fawning piece:

Carl Crawford has an important ritual after almost every baseball game. He finds a tub, fills it with ice and submerges his body into the frigid water.

“I just sit there and act as if I’m taking a bath,” said Crawford, the Tampa Bay Rays’ left fielder.

Crawford morphs into the ice man to help rejuvenate his muscular legs, the legs that help make him one of the most dynamic players in the major leagues. He is fast and he is fearless, an ideal combination for someone who hopes to damage another team every time he reaches base...

Crawford, who is probably the fastest player in baseball, has solidified his position as the best base-stealer with a major league-best 20 in 20 attempts. He swiped a base in a 4-3 victory against the Yankees, giving him a steal in nine straight games. That includes a record-tying six steals against the Red Sox on Sunday. Jason Varitek, Boston’s catcher, is still trying to catch him.

How fast is Crawford? Longoria estimated that Crawford, after taking his usual lead, can zoom to second in about 3.1 seconds. After Crawford victimized Boston so spectacularly, Red Sox Manager Terry Francona lamented how Brad Penny had twice thrown pitches to the plate in 1.28 seconds and Varitek had fired both of them to second in 1.9 seconds. Those are better than average times.

“We can’t go faster than that,” Francona said. “He outran it.”

Those are words to warm the bitterest owner's heart.

Other players have not made their mark yet this season. David DeJesus saves his best performances for days on the bench. Milton Bradley took about five seconds to get into it with people in Chicago. Russell Martin has been playing quite poorly, although he did deliver a little value-added with two swipes in the past week.

The real problem for LM has been the pitching staff - SO MANY pitchers have solid underlying peripherals, but have gotten lit in several key games. Joel Hanrahan imploded and Carlos Marmol has had issues.

However, I concocted a plan to get Justin Verlander, Aaron Harang, and Cliff Lee back on track. These guys are basically healthy and sound, but they were just not focused to begin the season. Tommy knows the chi of managing like you wouldn't believe, and my many years of coaching baseball all over the globe have blessed me with an encyclopedic knowledge of some crazy ass tactics.

I found an old VHS tape that was as obscure as it was bizarre.

I sat them down and said, "Watch this video. This is some fucking weird shit that will drive all the demons out of your head and replace them with baffled astonishment, and a odd ass song stuck in your head for days."

After they viewed this, I tried to explain to them the puzzling fact that this song was #1 for a month in the UK, but they all stared with blank expressions on their face. "What the fuck?" said Cliff Lee and the others nodded.

The effects lingered as the SPs took the mound and delivered impressive performances for me the past couple of weeks. Distractions were banished, leaving only sharp strikes, few beebs and "HEEETHCLEEEF" running relentlessly through the minds of the young hurlers. God bless you Kate Bush and your weird ass song!

My methods are unorthodox. But the results are undeniable.

A totally healthy LM is a threat to any team, and if I ever get my pitching ironed out and my lineup shuffled to optimum, you guys are so screwed.

Ps. Stephen Strasburg: 9-0, 1.54 ERA, 0.82 WHIP, 135 K/13 BB, 17.27 K/9.

Love, Tommy

Tommy's .500 Thoughts - Part One

2009-04-13T16:35:00.000-07:00

Three weeks into the season, and Tommy's team is a pathetic 27-27.

Mediocrity!! That's what I truly loathe.

The LOWV has been kicking ass these first few weeks. We've had brilliant performances, disappointments, and jail rapes of some unsuspecting teams.

And through it all, LM has been completely average.

Horseshit!! Eventually someone will have to pay for this crappy performance.

But for now, it's time to share my Thoughts.

SHOCKING VIDEO

It's clear from the comments that one GM may have unwisely released this clip...

One "djmelsa" praises the LOWV in a public message to youtube accompanying this video clip. Curious to say the least.

I'm pretty sure this video depicts the brutal training methods applied almost immediately after birth in the horrific Banana Belt youth academies deep in the heart of Japan.

Shame on you BB!!!!!

I intend to inform the UN about this outrage, as soon as I finish this column and have a snack.

ANTI-SALOON LEAGUE

If this division was a song right now, it would be "Locomotive Breath" by J. Tull. League giants and upstarts dueling in the dawn light.

This division hurtles towards a season of hard-fought battles and blood spilled all over the streets of Brooklyn, while rebellious hordes from outside make plans to storm the ramparts.

I really hope it comes to blows this year.

The first meeting of Lacey Underalls and Fecal Clatter in the division era, the top billing on the Week Two card, was a surprising smackdown.

I've rarely seen a statline as glistening as the one Lacey recorded in that matchup.

Taste it. I don't see a single untoward number on that row.

FC was in it all week, then folded up like an origami vagina on Sunday, whilst the rival GMs sat beside one another at a Sox game no less.

Now, if you think LU is going to rest on its laurels after defenestrating its hated foe, you are stupid. They are going to sharpen those laurels into tiny daggers and pepper the league with blowgun blasts. Because they are that goddam persistent.

One of the reason why league GMs literally beg me to write this column is that nobody cultivates league sources like I do. I'm using those sources to get some insight into the machinations of the dastardly LU. One of my most trusted sources tells me LU management recently reached out to his team to propose a trade. The other team would give up its longtime franchise player and a useful utilityman, while LU would offer a first baseman and Bandy Johnson. Now, my source could not recall if the first baseman offered was Miggy Cabrera or Carlos Delgado, only that he was "foreign." Since this is a pretty significant difference, it's tough to evaluate the offer. What we do know is that the other team's counteroffer, which did not include the franchise player, was outright ignored by LU.

Don't waste LU's time with bullshit offers, serve up champions or just leave him alone.

This division also features two LOWV GMs sharing one floor of a Brooklyn house. Poor Man's Fart is matching LU step for step and has had one of the strongest starts in the league. FC suffered the aforementioned asskicking from LU and now sits eleven and one-half games out of first in the division.

PMF has had a rollercoaster season, all right. Opening up by walloping its collegial rival Banana Belt, this team made clear that its emphasis on excellent pitching had not eroded. This team has racked up many wins through its consistent, deep pitching across almost all categories.

I'm told the secret is the music the pitchers groove to in the bullpen before every game:

The offense has scored very few runs, by far the least in the league, and it embarrassed the team in its 12-7 defeat at the hands of Vicious Rumors, failing to capture more than one category. The bats must deliver at some point for this team. Beating up a slow-starting BB and a defenseless Flash is one thing, but PMF is still looking for that franchise-defining moment that will ignite a dynasty.

In the meantime, a game back of the red-hot LU will serve PMF quite nicely.

Are Fecal Clatter fans hitting the panic button yet? This is a premature ejaculation if I've ever had one, but the Scotty Scotty Bake Bake trade looks like a stinky boother bathe right now.

I saw it, I was there. The morning of Sunday, April 12, and FC has a gigantic 12-5 lead over LM. In every facet of the game, FC has been the superior team. What happened that fateful Sunday? LM showed up with a big hitting day and a CG SO from Aaron Harang. FC's frontrunning offense flamed out like Roberto Alomar. Game by game, LM crept back into the match...in an annual tradition, Tommy's boys pooped in the FC Sunday afternoon chili. When Carlos Marmol whiffed Corey Hart in the 8th inning of the night game to tie the match, flipping two categories, what once seemed like a defining overture turned into an intestine-bound gas bubble for the Fecal ones.

The funny thing was, FC was still a better team than LM that week. But this league doesn't reward overall bestness, it's all about the categories son!!

The next week, the most pathetic face ever made while checking fantasy scores on a Blackberry was glimpsed upon the visage of FC as the scores from his last day against LU came in...

If it weren't for the pedestrian victory over upstart Bonomatory Influence last week, this team would be digging itself quite a hole.

For the record, I still strongly tally FC as one of the top six teams in the league...righting this poop ship destroyer will lead to browner seas. And I mean that in the best possible way.

While we're on the subject of Bonomatory Influence, no team has exceeded expectations like that team so far. BI's early surge is putting hope in the hearts of its fans from the Presidential Range to the Rocky Mountains. Two solid wins and a respectable defeat to a playoff team is an excellent start for the BI squadron.

The Influence's pitching staff features a number of quality arms, and his lineup includes many guys I love to watch play the game. You gotta love scrappers like Jayson Werth, the heretofore-proficient hitting of Placido Polanco, the promise of Ian Stewart, and the electrifying start of Emilio Bonifacio. Would you rather have your young starters or BI's stable, which includes Bumgarner, Scherzer, Galarraga, Floyd, Volstad, Cueto, and Broxton?

But there's one problem for this team: a core of elite hitters just doesn't seem to be there yet. That's why I still need to see more from BI to declare this launch successful.

Time to call out Banana Belt shortstop Jose Reyes, who promised to steal home in honor of Jackie Robinson, but has pussied out so far.

This item was brought to my attention by ERdR sources, who mocked Reyes for failing to accomplish the feat before their young outfielder, Jacoby Ellsbury, swiped home with a straight steal on the big stage against the Yankees.

Hopefully, ERdR will ramp up the mockery on Reyes until their only matchup in June, at which point Reyes steals home four times in a day and ERdR becomes just the latest victim of the "Talking shit on BB jinx." I guess I am destined to be a victim too, because I am here to say that David Murphy has played himself out of a roster spot. His 1 for 25 funk has mired him on the Rangers bench and completely unplayable for BB.

Not that this has much fazed the league's perennial champ, who took a significant thumpin' from PMF in stride, then rebounded with wins over Flash and unB. BB's all-squinty-eyed outfield and proliferation of devastating aces get the job done against second-tier competition every time. This team would love to lay back in 8th place overall until late July, and then charge like a Pamplona bull down the homestretch for an unprecedented, opium scented, dark tinted fourth title. I, for one, would not be surprised to see that happen.

Mired in sixth place in the division, we have the Flash...

One thing this team has going for it is the best player in all the realms of man.

God knows I love Chase Utley like a son. His stout and devout leadership of LM has led us through many a tempestuous campaign. Well, two tempestuous campaigns, but I've shed a sea of neurotic sweat beads in that short interim. But if I was picking a team from scratch, I would ditch Chase Utts and go right after Albert Pujols with the first overall pick. His offensive game is simply a joy to behold. Watching him play is like watching the baby Jesus frolic with an adorable puppy on a puffy cloud.

Unfortunately, this magnificent player isn't enough to ensure victory, and Flash's prowess is failing him in the early going. With his oft-injured pitching staff serving up dingers at an alarming rate, Flash is locking down saves and not much else in a series of defeats. Averaging 6 points through three weeks is a troubling sign for this team, but history shows that early returns are very misleading.

Flash's major trade bargaining chip - his pitching depth - has been splintered by the plague of injures that have hit his staff. Still, I can see a deal going down before season's end that might help Flash get some lineup protection for Pujols while shipping out a solid SP or two. Get on it, league GMs!

In the basement of the American Sign Language tardzone is the perennial disappointment, unBeleaguerable.

The following video clip is a Tommy's Thoughts exclusive. We're publishing it in hopes of resuscitating a franchise so full of promise three short weeks ago. One desperate, typical unB fan in Slidell, LA tried to inspire his favorite team by recording this anthem of gaiety and hope:

Gimme something to believe in, unB, that's all the fans are asking for and that all I am asking for too. With so many players mailing in subpar performances, especially impulse buys Billy Butler and Matt Lindstrom, unB has suffered three thorough whippings. Three of the four top teams in the ASL got there by pillaging unB. What happened to the team that had some GMs freaked out 'round draft day?

Early on the team's leadership was upbeat, but I'm not sure how long that attitude will last. Years of losing may be inspiring bold action. Even franchise cornerstone Justin Upton has not been immune from whispered criticism. Outside of Yonder Alonso, his farm team is a series of question marks (I know people jizz in their pants over Tim Beckham, but I'll believe it when I see him hit big league pitching).

Thirty-three dongs yielded is a sour tiding for the unBeleguerable forces. A few timely additions would shore up a fairly solid pitching staff, but they have to keep the ball in the yard.

As for the offense, I suggest you light a fire under those young men by cutting a few of them, to teach 'em a lesson, ya know? Maybe Longoria, to show that nobody is untouchable? Think on it.

Whew, one division comprehensively dissected and dissed. Time for an inspirational video.

In part two of this column, to be published imminently, my Thoughts on the clearly superior Christian Temperance U, and the story of how I hypnotized my SPs to make them awesome.

Commissioner's Predictions 2009

2009-04-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

Fast and dirty and quick to fall back on a tired cliché – just like how I bone – here are this year’s predictions in haiku:

CHRISTIAN TEMPERANCE UNION
1. Lasorda’s Manicotti
Ridiculously skilled infield
Slowey third in Cy Young vote
Dejesus stoic

2. Vicious Rumors
Youth ripe and transcendent
Wieters huffing Kryptonite
Olsen drowns sorrows

3. Equipe Roi du Radeau
Upside, reliable
Webb, Haren, pray for bombko
Who’s on first? Who’s not?

4. D’Lucious Bitch Pies
Stellar lineup skillz
Fontenot Dinger! Bomb! Dong!
Kazmir, Z break down

5. Mothership
Still loves guys named Jones
Josh Ham loses at the track
Luis Ayala

6. El Guapo
Embraces the hate
Loyalty to Sheets deadly
Is A-Rod dead weight?

7. Snaturals
Lineup still no joke
However, the same cannot
Be said about staff

ANTI-SALOON LEAGUE
1. Banana Belt
Fool me once, you shame
Fool me twice, shame is on me
Fool me five times? Nope

2. Lacey Underalls
Pitching wins titles?
Or kickass depth in lineup?
Or MVP Migs?

3. Fecal Clatter
Staff is in tatters
Best bats in club history
Life of the party

4. Poor Man’s Fart
Decimated arms
Nearly flawless at the plate
Smoltz could win the league

5. unBeleagurable
Knew when to rebuild
Ominous threat emerges
It won’t be long now

6. Flash
Pujols and savesmen
These are things Flash embraces
Quietly strong staff

7. Bonomatory Influence
Youth movement now launched
This may not be Inflie’s year
But hope merited

Shortpants XXXVI - Photoshop Is For Pussies

2009-04-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

Shortpants Opening Day Spectacular arrives! BB, PMF and FC join Mike for an in-depth and provocative tour through the opening day rosters of the LOWV. Every team is analyzed, ridiculed and celebrated, things start informative and get increasingly outrageous, and nobody barfs.

Shortpants and Opening Day. Does it get any better? Nope. The answer is nope.

Shortpants XXXVI

Tommy's Preseason Thoughts, Part Two

2009-04-05T11:09:00.000-07:00

“My style is odd, like a gift from God. That's why I'm on more microphones than Ahmad Rashad.”
Tash, "Bermuda Triangle"

Opening day!!

I am excited to watch the Atlanta Braves play the Philadelphia Phillies this fine evening. I hope for an old fashioned slugfest, although in April we'll undoubtedly see the pitchers have the upper hand.

I'm told the Commissioner will be releasing his predictions any moment now, and there is a new Shortpants on the way as well. LOWV media is in high gear for this happiest of occasions.

As I wait in eagerness for the game to begin, here are my thoughts on the senior circuit.

I hate to put it that way, but when one division has five founding members of the LOWV and the other has one, it's just the way it's gotta be...

Besides, Tommy is young at heart.

ANTI-SALOON LEAGUE

The most improved team in this division has to be unBeleaguerable.

Last year, this team finished 87 games behind the de facto defending division champs, Lacey Underalls. unB is looking to shake the designation of a basement-dweller with a breakout season.

2009 might not be that season. But then again, it might.

unB has a ton of young talent just waiting to explode onto the scene. Check out this honor roll of blue chip prospects and young major league stars: Evan Longoria, Geovany Soto, The Brothers Upton, Jim Shields, Cameron Maybin, Billy Butt, Jered Weaver, Tim Beckham, Yonder Alonso.

unB was very active in trades this winter. From this vantage point, he made off like a bandit while providing reasonable value in return to enable future deals. He did a great job scouting prospects; his top two picks in 2008 and 2009 were excellent.

Now the franchise needs to translate its managerial derring-do into actual wins, and reverse a tradition of losing that has consumed its hopes again and again.

The Flash appeared ready to make a deal and move some pitchers in the offseason. It was truly a sellers' market for pitchers, with many quality arms changing hands, often at a premium. The Flash was holding tons of excellent pitchers and could benefit from outfield help.

At one point, in the frenzy following the FC-unB deal that clearly demonstrated FC was looking for another pitching deal, The Flash took to the Googlewaves to announce that he was listening to any and all deals on his SPs. At this point, multiple teams were looking for a fit with the Flash's pitching staff.

Details of one negotiation I learned about involved Flash offering to trade Roy Oswalt for one of a few top-quality outfielders who ply their trade in the Chicagoland area. My sources tell me that rumors of these trade demands leaked, and some teams decided to back off given an aversion for the high level deal Flash was looking to leverage. By mid-January, it seems, many teams were too attached to their top OFs to ship them out for an aging Astro.

Will the Flash still be looking to make a deal in 2009? It's a story to watch.

One thing I've noted is the Flash's propensity to take Junior League talent that can help him right away, and ceiling be damned. Since so many teams go in the other direction, he's been able to snag a good number of solid players that he can deploy immediately - Brett Gardner comes to mind. Along with his keen eye for cheap saves - he yoinked F. Rodney off the line midweek - this strategy will always keep Flash in the mix. But can this strategy yield the sublime?

For the first time in memory, a balanced roster takes the field for the opening Fart...

That's right, Poor Man's Fart is no longer all about pitching and now offers a potent offensive posse. Adding the punch of Carlos Lee to the PMF lineup helps the team move beyond the "four aces" philosophy that injuriously doomed so many seasons.

However, the failure of Elijah Dukes to gain a starting spot for the Nationals has to sting. Dukes has so much potential, but when you can't win a starting spot on that shit team, it really says something. PMF can slot Hunter Pence in right field and move on, but how long can you wait on a pine-riding Dukes?

I, for one, am not a fan of Dioner Navarro. As Dodger-drafted catchers go, he's pretty much a disappointment. Yo PMF, ever consider a spot of Taylor Tea? Something to consider for the future.

PMF also has love for the middle infield like you can't believe, and this has hurt him. The man's 2008 first round selection of Matt Antonelli probably still ranks as the biggest boner in the (admittedly short) Junior League annals. Gordon Beckham, on the other hand, is a stud. If he can stick at shortstop, or even 2B, he will be a beast. Beckham has power taboot and probably has the defensive chops to play MI in MLB. He also has makeup off the charts - the Air Force Academy wanted him to play QB - and thumped his way around the Cape Cod League.

Of all the moves PMF made in the offseason, the best was to slash his entire prospect list and start again with Gordon Beckham leading the way. He just might be the most valuable fantasy player with the last name Beckham drafted in 2009.

Bonomatory Influence was only the latest team to acquire Tampa Bay outfielder BJ Upton and trade him away again.

BJ Upton is now on a three-year minimum-salary deal with a one-year extension option, under the control of unB. The origin of this contract was a late-season pickup by Lasorda's Manicotti in 2006, right around the time the keeper transition was being negotiated. That offseason, Upton, then a shortstop, was dealt to Lacey (trade #1) along with Jon Papelbon for Chase Utley. Last season, Upton was flipped along with Jon Broxton to BI (trade #2) for Carlos Lee, who promptly went down in the line of fire. Finally, Upton was shipped out of Boulder by BI (trade #3) after a mere month of service in a bid to acquire some legit young pitching talent, Cueto and G. Floyd. (The only surprise there was that no relief pitchers named Jon were included in the deal.)

All the while, he was on his original contract, which explains why this top talent only earns $4 for his services.

Even with four more seasons at piddling salary levels, Upton will be 28 years old when he hits arbitration or free agency after the 2012 season. Given the huge salary he's likely to command at that point, we just might see him traded a couple of more times before his original LOWV contract finally runs out.

That said, BI did himself a grave injustice by dispensing with BJ so lightly. I don't agree with his decision to trade Upton either. (rimshot)

Otherwise, I like Max Scherzer and Madison Bumgarner, and not much else here.

If you want to take a gander at a fine roster, why don't you click on over to the squadron of Lacey Underalls. The offense is tentpoled by Hanley, Miggy and Morneauy. Iannetta, Kemp and McLouth are universally beloved young talent. LU has long profited by taking chances on low profile young OFs, and for this season he's grabbed guys like Daniel Murphy and Shin-Soo Choo. Based on his track record, you have to expect at least one of them to hit.

All this is before you look at his pitchers, an experience akin to gawping into the void of your own mortality. Peavy, Halladay, F-Her, Bandy J, Mariano Skeletor, Papelbon, Billingsley...look out LOWV lineups.

This team should be pretty indestructible, given its amazing depth. This is important, because minor league help is a long, long way off. LU has taken the route of choosing very young players with enormous upside. It's all about value for this team. If guys like Angel Villalona and FernMart turn into bopping first basemen and five tooled OFs, LU will be the beneficiary of more amazing deals on top quality talent. So clearly we all need to root against these guys.

Lacey Underalls has to be the team most desperate for a taste of the trophy in the league. Most every season, LU is battling for the top spot, only to be shorn of its short hairs when the playoffs transpire. Will the last of the aughts hold a different fate for Lacey? Or will this team have to wait until the twentytweens to taste a title?

God damn it, I love story lines. And alliteration.

There's no doubt in my mind that the slyest team at the auction was our defending champion, the Banana Belt.

With lots of roster spots to fill and not a lot of money to do it with, BB had to find some impact players who could be had without much resistance. To pull this off, he hung around until the end of the auction, baiting his fellow GMs with opening bids for players he knew they'd covet. Then, once every other GM had filled his roster (save the absent Mothership), BB hit hard, giving a measly dollar for Shoppach, Samardjiza, John Baker and Rafael Soriano.

Now, one or two of these players might end up being worthless - the arbitration process made clear that a lot of teams hate on the Shark bigtime, and at deadline I learned he had just been sent to the minors - but Shopp for a dollar made this strategy a stellar one, even if the other three never even took the field for BB.

Kelly Shoppach was once a throw-in in a trade (for Coco Crisp) headlined by Andy Marte...and in the bizarro world of prospects reaching fruition, Marte is now for shit and Shoppach is one of the top hitting Cs in the league. He's still underrated in LOWV, and BB will prosper from that pickup. Count it, bitches!

Auction moves aside, BB yet again fields a solid lineup of totalbasemen, fireballing aces and Asians. His fortunes have long surpassed my ability to predict them, so I won't even try. Suffice it to say that one team has demonstrated its mastery over us all on several occasions, and its name is Banana Belt.

THIS WEEK'S OPPONENT

I've had more hard fought, low-scoring contests with Fecal Clatter than I can count on one hand. For whatever reason, our contrasting-yet-complimentary philosophies tend to stalemate one another. Some of my favorite moments from battling FC include the Freddy Garcia 5-inning CG that clinched a tie, astonishing my opponent, and the surprising ERA edge that snapped another tie, this time in the playoffs. The times FC has gotten the better of me, I choose to forget.

One offseason battle between us two was a bidding war for young Tommy Hanson. Both our teams wanted the immediate services of this four-pitch stud with storied Atlanta heritage and sparkling Arizona Fall League stats. Essentially, we were fighting over who would offer Hanson the bigger bonus before a 09-10 arbitration cut his deal down to the low teens. In the end, however, I was not willing to make Tommy Hanson - who some of my scouts think is merely a very good pitcher, not a great one - the highest-paid player on my team, even for a season.

Of course, the fact that I was picking ahead of FC in the draft made it a little easier to gamble that I'd wind up with Strasburg, anyway...

This year's edition of FC features more youth, as usual, and comely white men scampering over the field will bring a tear of joy to the Commish's eye for another season. As Johan goes, so goes FC: I'm hoping the ace's traditional slow April start translates into a break for LM. Right now, the paramount concern in FC's offices is the loss of Scotty Bake Bake to arm woes. Namealike Scott Lewis will keep batters at bay until they figure out his deceptive delivery and start cranking dingers, so I think the staff will be quite all right.

It's weird to see a Jason Bay-less offense out there for FC, but the loss of Canadian quotient will probably not set the Clatter back too far with D. Wright still leading the way. So this week, let's win one for the wounded feelings of Jason Bay, banished from the team he tried so hard to lead to the mountaintop!

Right now, with the season about to begin, I have nothing but good feelings and sentiments of brotherhood for my fellow GMs. As soon as one of you defeats my team on the field, that will quickly curdle into murderous rage. So we'll see if FC can light the wick right off the bat.

But for now, I wish all of you a wonderful season, free of injuries and full of Ks and longballs. Best of luck in 2009! Until you play me, of course.

Hasta luego, fatherfuckers!

Tommy's Preseason Thoughts, Part One

2009-04-03T15:21:00.000-07:00

“America is the greatest nation God gave Man.”
Sean Hannity

Hot fun in the summertime, it’s baseball season again.

Tommy missed you.

You like baseball? You ready for the season to start? Goddamn it, I don’t know of a finer nation than America. I don't know of a finer sport than baseball.

Let's have some good American baseball and I don't want to fuck around, let's kick it off this weekend. OK? OK.

This season, you’re going to get straight truth from this column. Last year I got myself all turned around writing fictions, making projections, even promised a comprehensive Junior League review. Haahah, that’s not my game and we all know it.

My goal is to talk to you about the League of Women Voters with more candor and intensity than any other, to teach you some new swear words, start a few controversies, leak a few embargoed memoranda, and teach you how to make a steaming pile of shit appear in Google Chat.

(It’s "~@~")

Fucking A, let’s kick this motherfucker off.

CHRISTIAN TEMPERANCE U

There is not a more persistent whippersnapper in this league than Vicious Rumors. It’s not enough for him to cause trouble all the time, now his team appears to be good for the first time in years. Seriously? What's that all about?

Let's start a list of memes he's attempted to perpetrate upon the mindbrains of our league. According to his yellow journalism, Chris is a drunk, Rick's team sodomizes each other with the LOWV trophy and hosts bukkake parties on Doug Davis' face, John was cuckolded by AJ Pyrzinski, Mike is a drug smuggler, and Nick is a few glasses of Everclear away from drafting Nook Logan. That only covers a tiny percentage of his slanders. For shame, sir.

(Did anybody else notice BB's quick and wrathful reaction? This could be the start of a delightful feud.)

I note with displeasure that VR has buried Victorino on the bench. For reals? I’ll take him over Dick Ankiel anyday. I’m going to chalk that up to a temporary condition before my face gets all red and blotchy with rage.

The team is formidable. VR is like a mighty glacier with several abrupt crevasses. Scott Olsen and Ramon Ramirez are those crevasses…or did I write in my notebook that they crave ass? I can’t understand my own handwriting anymore, I’m getting old.

Snatty... What the hell is going on over there? The only really good player on his team under the age of 29 is Ervin Santana, who I practically gave him. He gives his five year extension to Xavier Nady. You know who Xavier Nady is? Kevin Mench’s twin brother. And he is 30.

I know his name sounds like your team name, dude, but seriously. No. That should have been Santana's contract.

At auction he pays a dollar above replacement level for Mike Jacobs. ErdR says that was the steal of the auction, I call that Mike Jacobs stealing one dollar from Snatty.

I was beside myself when I saw Snatty willing to commit a full year of rehab time for Jake McGee in his first round slot while all manner of awesome players passed him by. I ask you, would you rather have Jake McGee or Buster Posey? Yonder Alonso? Trevor Cahill? I take every option that is not Jake McGee there.

Then, just when I'm about to give up hope, Snatty goes after Jordan Zimmermann in the fourth round, a great pickup that I didn’t appreciate at the time. In fact, I tried to steer him elsewhere. He wasn't having it, locked in on Zimmermann.

Now the Z man has come of age with a sparkling spring and will start for the Nats. Zimmermann instantly becomes one of the best options on a rather woeful staff. Something from nothing. The Snatty special.

The moral of the story is, Snatty will always surprise you with a brilliant move when you least expect it.

So how about that auction??

Those harrowing first attempts to connect to the ESPN applet...the frenzied "don't start without me" emails...a mind-boggling discussion of computer makes and browser types...typing the first of many enraged emails to ESPN customer support...

Mothership deftly dodged this boondoggle. He skipped the auction and still ended up with guys like Jack Cust that I thought would be auction bait.

Given that this year's auction was pretty sparse, this wasn't a bad move. Missing out on the opportunity to get a guy for $1 instead of $4 is less critical in a league where money is cheaper than roster spots. Mike has so much cap space that he could have come in and blown people away for players - but most everyone has cap space, so the level at which he could outspend would be ludicrous, considering the talent on offer.

(Incidentally, how much do you think an additional roster spot would sell for on the open market - over and above the cost of the player? I would lay down serious dollars for a 26th active roster spot.)

Mothership has some nice pieces but I'm not liking the roster top to bottom. Now, Josh Hamilton, Roberts, Adam Jones, Kershaw, Joba are all great players. I have a lot of love for guys like Doumit and Trevor Hoffman. Mothership will get hot and win games in 2009, but I need to see more talent to predict a playoff spot.

Mothership's farm team concerns me - but keep in mind that he has graduated two guys to the majors already.

El Guapo has a problem. With the injury to Rodriguez he is short an infielder. He might have called on old friend John Bowker, but he was recently optioned to the minors due to the dastardly machinations of Travis Ishikawa. This could definitely end with Equipe convincing Guapo to overpay for Kendry Morales.

Let's take a look at Guapo's offseason aquisition, Alfonso Soriano. You know what stat jumps out at me about Soriano? Only four players in history have ever gone 40/40. The list is straight out of Achermann's daydreams: Canseco, Bonds, Alex Rodriguez, Soriano. As a result, he is a perfect fit.

I'm curious to see if he carries Ben Sheets in a roster spot for months/years of rehab.

Let's talk Equipe. If you're like me, you have listened to this dude talk for literally years about how he was building a future dynasty that will never be stopped once it comes to fruition. After missing the playoffs a couple of times, that kind of braggadocio wears thin.

But check out Equipe 2009: solid offense with lots of useful players and some superstars, and on the pitching side, co-aces with Matsuzaka as a #3. Coq au Vin always builds a solid bullpen and this year's edition looks representative. It's a really good team, god damn it.

For perennial playoff teams who fear the rise of new contenders, Equipe's team this year is a nightmare come true.

Compounding the situation, ERdR's minor league operation is superb. The franchise basically has David Price behind its back at this point, just waiting to bring him out. Some serious talent remains on the farm, like Matt LaPorta, Trevor Cahill and Beau Mills. Although the penchant for no-offense middle infielders raises my eyebrow, the Les Dolphins or whatever are a force to be reckoned with.

The defending champs in this new division could be said to be TV's John "DLBP" Bitchpies. It's going to take another otherworldly run from Manny Ramirez to carry him to the title game again. But don't bet against little Timmy Lincecum and his merry band of followers, including Javy Vazquez and Tim "Unbelievably Underrated in Arbitration" Wakefield.

Unlike division rival Equipe, though, DLBP has an inglorious cadre of prospects. Why, just the other day a team of Pittsburgh prospects, including Ting Tang Sluts Jose Tabata and Andrew McCutchen (as well as Mothership prospect Neil Walker and ex-PMF prospect Steve Pearce), faced the mighty team of Manatee Community College. This was a mismatch to say the least. The Pirates prospects lost. Nice work, DLBP farm team.

Was DLBP's finals battle with Banana Belt simply a brief aurora borealis in the northern sky of life? Or was this the dawning of the new LOWV titan? The league's vote for the Hillary Rodham Gap seems to indicate that my fellow GMs believe the first one of those.

I'm not so sure. DLBP is a stout squad with only a few holes: Mike Fontenot smells like my bontenot.

Now to talk about the objectively best team in the league...

LASORDA'S MANICOTTI

Gods in the gloaming. He-men of the grandstand.

I'm not gonna make any guarantees. I'm not gonna promise that LM wins the league, makes the playoffs, or even wins one lousy game.

But I'm gonna tell you what.

When you play us, be it once or twice...you best know that we are coming at you with every kind of thunder under the sun, motherfucker, and we are gonna throw it at you and pray to God that it sticks. We're gonna fight you from Monday to Sunday with hard throwing young starters and veteran lumber-wielders of the highest caliber. When the game is on the line, a robust bullpen slams the door. All the while our business operation is combing the wires for fresh talent and kicking out the assholes who don't perform. When you're on vacation in Tahiti, blowing off the LOWV for a weekend of whispering sweet ta-tas in the ear canal of a prostitute in silken underpants, we'll be picking up the guy who will make our season count off the wire. BELIEVE THAT

Damn it, my angina is flaring up again.

Man, you guys better hope Stephen Strasburg doesn't live up to the hype. How does that feel, incidentally? Hating on one of America's finest young men, our most promising athletic talents, on behalf of your made up fantasy team? And yet you have no choice...if he comes to fruition, you guys are so screwed.

But that's the future. I want to talk about now.

When I look at the excellent collection of teams that made the playoffs last year, and examine the improved rosters of some rising powers, it's easy to succumb to fear that LM's playoff run might be in jeopardy.

But can you really count out a team headlined by Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, Carl Crawford, Chipper Jones, Russell Martin, Joe Nathan, and...

All right, god damn it, LM's pitching is more suspect than Joran van der Sloot...you guys watch Fox News, right?

But you know, I did have the AL Cy Young winner last year, and Cliff Lee assures me he's ready to rumble again. Jesus, I beseech you, please watch over Cliff and his brethren, Justin, Aaron, Kevin, Kelvim, Ricky, and most of all Rick...

I'm very concerned about 20 year old Rick Porcello being called up to Detroit's staff. Granted, I've had him on my major league roster for a month now, but that was mostly a procedural move. I fully expected to return him to the minors before long, but thought it imprudent to burn an option to do so before he was officially designated. Well, god damn it, it never happened.

Jim Leyland has lost it, I'm telling you. Listen to what he said about his anxiety about cutting worthless Gary Sheffield: "It's not good when you light up two Marlboro's at the same time at 3 a.m., washing it down with a glass of chocolate milk."

NO SHIT Jim! Now he decides he wants Porcello in the rotation. Weren' t you guys gonna teach him to miss bats first?

I'm just glad that I remain completely coherent and sharp as a tack in my old age.

Well, I wasn't sold on Justin Masterson last year, and he did a great job, so I can only hope Porcello replicates it. I'm all in on this youngster, and my April opponents will be seeing him in action.

But seriously, fuck you Leyland.

INTERMISSION

Unburdening myself of all my preseason thoughts in one sitting is not realistic.

I'm an old man, you fuckers, and I've been managing in this cutthroat league going on four seasons now. And it's a good thing, too, because this franchise was for shit before I took over.

So before I sign off, with Part Two to follow later this weekend, let me share with you...

TOMMY'S THOUGHTS ON GUNS 'N ROSES "USE YOUR ILLUSION"

I've always felt that this should not have been a double album. There is too much filler, and it's not stylistically coherent enough to merit the length.

What this batch of solid R&B-rock songs with interesting filler needs is an editor.

If I gained mind control over GNR in their heyday (believe me I tried), I would have released "Use Your Illusion" as a single album with the following tracklist:

1. You Could Be Mine
2. Bad Obsession
3. Yesterdays
4. 14 Years
5. Knockin' on Heaven's Door
6. Pretty Tied Up
7. Shotgun Blues
8. November Rain
9. Don't Damn Me
10. Back Off Bitch
11. Breakdown
12. Don't Cry (Original)

"Civil War" gets released as a separate single. The best of the rest would go out as B-sides or wait for the box set.

That's all for now.

Tommy out!

Shortpants XXXV - Pretty Vacant

2009-02-22T15:34:00.000-08:00

Shortpants brings you a spirited conversation on all things preseason LOWV in this captivating episode. Mike welcomes an all-star panel of PMF, FC, LU and BB as they discuss the laundry list of MLB controversies and publicity stunts. Shortpants 2009, better than ever.

Episode XXXV

Shortpants XXXIV -- Crock of Gibraltar

2009-01-11T12:11:00.000-08:00

Shortpants rings in the New Year with a hot-stove spectacular. Mike is joined by LU, PMF and FC as they attempt to discuss all the exciting events since the last episode: LOWV playoffs, MLB happenings, presidential elections, Oscar contenders, Mets, Red Sox, Manny, Mothership. A year older, a year wiser... Shortpants 2009 is better than ever.

Shortpants XXXIV

Vive le Roi! Le Coq Crows Again!

2008-09-30T11:32:00.000-07:00

New York, NY – Vive le Roi! Equipe Roi du Radeau may still need an infield, but at least they brought back the guy who can find them one.

Nils "Le Coq" Coq au Vin will return to the team he built into a League of Women Voters contender, he and the team said Monday night in a joint statement. His long-rumored return comes six months after he was fired by Equipe and fled Le Stade in Equipe’s mascot costume to avoid the encamped media.

"As you know, we have spoken frequently during the last 10 weeks," the statement said. "We have engaged in healthy, spirited tête-a-tête about what it will take over the long term for Equipe to remain a great organization and, in fact, become a more effective organization in philosophy, approaches and ideals.

"Ironically, Nil’s departure has brought us closer together in many respects, and, thanks to these conversations, we now enjoy the bonds of fraternite and egalite, as well as a shared vision for the organization's future that did not exist previously. With this vision in place, Nils will return to Equipe as the team’s Premier Consul, extraordinaire et plénipotentiaire."

Nils declined to elaborate on the statement, which also came from principal owner Heath Stowlit. The team would not comment on how Nils will fit into the organization's hierarchy, but Stowlit denied that Nils posed a threat to basic democracy.

Equipe has been operating with Daniel Plainview as the General Manager. But the March, 2008 hiring were overshadowed by persistent rumors of psychological imbalance, reclusive behavior, psychotic outbursts and several shadowy deaths. This culminated in unexplained disappearance of Plainview from the public eye down the stretch, when it is rumored he was personally involved in the bloody death of El Guapo’s owner, J.J. Achermann.

The team was expected to struggle in the absence of Nils’s unique brand of drug-fueled wizardry, and despite a few key acquisitions, it failed to make the playoffs for the second year in a row. In response, the ownership seems intent on rolling the dice on Nils once again, seeing as he was able to lead the team to a third place finish in his inaugural season.

Nils's termination occured after a fortnight of bizarre and inexplicable incidents following the 2007 Spring Training Camp. It was reported widely in the press, that in the aftermath of Equipe’s 12th place finish in 2007, Nils’s penchant for bacchanalian excess and quasi-legal sexual dalliances were generating a lot of friction in the front office. When Nils’s massive gambling debts forced the club’s ownership to sell off the contracts of various players, many thought it was not long before Nils would be out of a job.

Nils proved them right, when he was caught by the night janitor attempting to stuff Stowlit's 12-year old stepson, then an intern with the team, into an overnight FedEx box. Reportedly, Nils claimed when confronted that he was merely trying to trade the young man to Fecal Clatter for a mid-century bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape that was "formidable...non, incroyable, oui...incroyable!" He tried to explain via satelitte phone from his self-imposed exile in South East Asia that it was well-known within the league that FC had an affinity for young men and specifically had sent out feelers for a supple, young blond boy with blue eyes. "He told me the day before, that he would, how do you say...ah yes, accept any trade offers at any hour of the day or night, n'importe quo. And what can I say, j'adore le chateau."

Nils went on to admit that his methods were unorthodox, but had he squeezed young master Stowlit into the box with less fuss, he'd certainly wouldn't have regretted it as the wine is extremely rare.

Nils, a native of Algeria, served in the French Resistance and the Algerian Revolution before finding baseball. He began his career as an intern for the King Faisal Babies, a perennial contender in the Algerian Winter League. Nils went on to a front office positions with the Hiroshima Toyo Carp and the Hokkaido Nippon Ham Fighters in Japan, before rising to assistant GM for the Thailand Tobacco Monopoly in 2001. Nils joined Equipe as its first GM in 2006. On March 17, Nils belied a newspaper report that he had been fired and snuck out of the building moments later dressed as the team’s mascot – the Burger King.

Shortpants XXXII -- The Bubble

2008-08-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

Shortpants weighs in on the scintillating playoff race as the LOWV regular season comes to an end. This week, Mike is joined by FC and LU as he dissects the bubble, is rewarded with purportedly unsolicited gifts, antes up, ponders who is going home alone, nails the Yankee coffin shut, discusses leadership, looks for the athlete of our generation, considers chemistry in fantasy and actual baseball and business, wonders whether to throw money at the problem, learns BI might not best the worst team in the league, praises for unB?!, analyzes September call-ups, observes a scrambled LM, and humors the Commish's explanation of important roster rule for all teams during the playoffs.

Finally, in a heart-wrenching discussion, Shortpants takes sides in the Mike & the Mad Dog divorce.

It's a good one, folks.

Shortpants XXXII

Tommy's Thoughts #14

2008-08-18T16:35:00.000-07:00

All right, all right. I know what you're thinking, assholes. "Tommy goes silent when his team starts losing."

Go shower in douche! I haven't gone silent, I've just been balls deep in some bullshit. Meanwhile, I've been inspecting all of your teams and I have some very special thoughts for each of you. Believe it, you slut wives!

First, this is where I've been for the past month.

WILLOW AVENUE RUMBLE

Leave it to a ginger to ruin everything. This season was going awesome until our owner, Dick Beatonian, decided to relocate our team to Somerville, Mass. Just when I had gotten used to the placid ocean view, ideal for contemplating my master plans and threatening rebellious players with death by drowning, Dick decides the team needs to be closer to the Boston metro market to "maximize our advertising revenue"...translation, so he can order up prostitutes without paying a travel fee.

Whatever, I moved with this team across the country, so 45 minutes away is no thing. We decided to leave in the middle of the night, just to fuck with y'all.

The moving trucks were rolling down Broadway, on our way to the new stadium, when a red light in Ball Square brought the caravan to a sudden halt. A tumbleweed blew across the intersection. All of a sudden, a huge crowd of men wearing black leather jackets with a red stripes on the sleeve surrounded us. They held maple bats and, to a man, wore a cold blooded grimace.

In the cab of the lead truck, I scanned the hostile mob. In the flickering light of the Sound Bites sign I recognized more than a few faces: Torii Hunter glowered, Adam Dunn smirked, Orlando Cabrera molested a high school girl.

"Fuuuuuuuck," I croaked. We'd run right into an ambush of the Snatty kind.

From the crowd, Major Beans stepped forward. "What the shit is this?!" he shouted. "You're rolling on Willow Ave after dark, Manicotti bitches!"

"That's right, ese!" said his sidekick XNady.

"We're going to our new stadium, step off!"

"This is the slums of Somerville, and this is Snaturals turf!"

"Eat shit, Beans!" I said. "Last I checked this was an open city!"

"Last I checked YOU are an open city!" retorted the Major.

It was clear he was in no mood to equivocate. As a staunch believer in the importance of seizing the initiative, I knew exactly what I had to do.

"Let's kill these motherfuckers!!" I screamed to the team and we all poured out of the moving vans to attack the Snatty crew. LM was ready for the fight, having trounced our opponents in the spring and firmly believing in our superiority.

I led the charge, quickly disabling Brandon Phillips with a well-aimed karate chop to the taint. He fell on the ground squealing like a weasel on a grill. Bob Howry tried to grab me from behind, but I spun around, my girth belying my amazing dexterity, and headbutted him with my prodigious Neapolitan dome. He crumpled at my feet.

When I looked around the rumble, however, what I saw disturbed me profoundly. This was not the pushover Snatty that LM ravaged months ago. Our new crosstown rivals had emerged from the midsummer crucible tougher and more resilient than ever - and they were exacting their revenge on my overconfident force. They seemed to have Spidey sense, and every attack we tried was quickly thwarted.

Mike Mussina shattered a maple bat over Chipper Jones' head and then stabbed him in the abdomen with a shard. Melvin Mora shoved Chase Utley on the ground and repeatedly kicked him until he was coughing up blood. Derek Jeter felled Jason Giambi with a rabbit punch, crouched over his stunned opponent, and brutally tweezed one hair after another from Giambino's 'stashe.

Ryan Howard and David Ortiz fought in a dark alley like two magnificent black sumos. Ryan landed a few massive blows, but then started swinging and missing, over and over again. Big Papi grabbed him and threw him to the ground. He crushed Howard with a gigantic belly flop that nearly knocked out the younger man, then pinned him with his gut and pummeled him with fist jabs.

The more I looked around, the worse the spectacle became. Justin Verlander and Ricky Nolasco cowered as Mark Buerhle menaced them with a lefthanded switchblade. Jeff Baker valiantly stood his ground against Snatty's outfield, but Mike Pelfrey snuck up behind him and punched him in the spine, and he fell to the ground in a coma.

As I stood agog, an arrow whistled through the air, cleanly slicing through the folds of my ample uniform, miraculously leaving my belly flab unscratched. I turned to see Major Beans, pointing a second arrow at my eyeball with bow drawn.

"The next one will pierce your skull," said Beans. "Surrender now or die!"

Terrified, I fell to the ground. "All right...I surrender, you dick! We'll leave Somerville!"

All around me, LM warriors collapsed with exhaustion while the Snatty posse exulted.

Major Beans, gracious in victory, helped me off the ground. "Actually," he said, "I'm thinking of moving Snaturals Stadium to Medford. You're cool to stay here. You wanna....play Risk?"

THE EVIL PLOT OF "DICK CLARK ROCKEFELLER"

It was a balmy summer afternoon when the door to my office swung open. In the doorframe stood an aging, stout man I'd seen many times before on the field of play. He regarded me with a measure of animosity and a modicum of grudging respect. It was Lou Piniella.

"Tommy, you piece of shit," he said.

"What do you want, you fat fuck?" I replied.

"As much as it pains me to help you, being the Dodger pussy that you are," Lou responded, "You've got a rat in your organization. A fink. A fraud. A mole. A scoundrel!"

"And why should I trust a dirty Yankee like you?"

"Because you're using a precious roster spot on an imposter!"

Sweet Lou proceeded to tell me a tale that blew my mind. By the time it was over, I was booking a plane ticket to Arizona.

"It all started last season. Everyone in Chicago was excited about our young star pitcher, Rich Hill. But there was something about the guy I just didn't trust. He claimed to be from the upper crust in Massachusetts, but he kept getting the details mixed up...he'd tell one person he spent the offseason windsurfing with John Kerry, then tell someone else he spent it playing Beirut with the Kennedys. He claimed he went to Michigan, but he couldn't pronounce 'Schembechler.' There was something about him that just seemed wrong. So I decided to investigate...

"I determined to throw Rich off his game by asking him off-the-wall questions, like my idol Lieutenant Columbo. We'd be in the clubhouse, toweling off our naked bodies, when suddenly I'd query, 'What's better, the geodesic dome or Buckyballs?' Rich would look at me with curious puzzlement, and I'd say 'Oh I'm sorry, I thought you were from Milton Mass., home of Buckminster Fuller...' and smirk as he tried to explain his way out of it. Or I'd say, 'So what did you guys order for pizza at the South Shore Baseball Club - Upper Crust or Pizza Galley?' Then I'd ask him again a few weeks later. He could never keep his answers straight!

"It was obvious that this guy wasn't who he claimed to be. So I dug deeper. And what I found horrified me.

"I learned that the guy who showed up in Boise in 2002 to join the low-A Hawks looked suspiciously unlike the guy the Cubbies had drafted, but the team ended up looking the other way because he won them all over with his wit, charm, and hilarious anecdotes about prep school hijinks. For whatever reason, nobody asked him too many questions about the trench in his back yard that smelled suspiciously like a rotting corpse....his yakker was so filthy that all his oddities were overlooked. It was only after he was promoted to the Lansing Lugnuts that the Boise players realized that although he claimed to be a Boston Brahmin, the clothes he left behind in his locker had price tags from TJ Maxx...

"You see, Tommy, it turns out that the guy you and I believed to be Rich Hill is not the REAL Rich Hill. I think the real Rich Hill has been reduced to a pile of bones I exhumed from that Boise backyard. Fukudome is analyzing the DNA as we speak. The guy in his place is someone entirely different. Not just a fraud, an evil impostor with the destruction of LM on his agenda."

I cut Lou off. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "This doesn't make any sense!" I cried. "He was a member in good standing of FC, and nobody does his due diligence like Yurwurstz Nachtmarz!"

"That's the most insidious part!!!" shouted Piniella. "I traced 'Hill's' movements backwards through time. Before he showed up in Boise, he was in a sham marriage in Minneapolis with some short haired chick named Erin something, then before that he was a foreign exchange student living in Connecticut, always under different aliases, often aspirational ones - Dick Clark Rockefeller, Dick Hillman, Richard Kennedy Hillman, Dick du Pont, Richie Rich Richman, Becky Beezenbaum, and Baron von Maleejbeej...

"But his real name: Yurwurstz Nachtmarz Jr."

Piniella slapped down a fat dossier on my desk, at the top of which was a Norwegian birth certificate proving his claim.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I wailed.

"It was all a plan to bring you down, Tommy. FC chose a baseball prospect he knew you would love, had him murdered, and replaced him with an impostor he knew he could trust - his own son. Teaching him the fine art of the curveball, and liberally doling out bribes to opposing batters and home plate umps, FC guaranteed that the phony Hill would pique your interest. Then once he'd extracted Derrek Lee from you via trade - probably the stupidest thing you've ever done in your whole life, by the way - he gave Yurwurtz Jr. the green light to start sucking."

"However, what he hadn't counted on was my Piniellan ratiocination. I had just figured out the truth when I noticed that fake Rich had really let his performance slip. It was obvious that he had to be done away with, but in the bright lights of Chicago I didn't dare strike at him for fear of being caught. I knew if I told you about it you'd lose your mind and try to throttle him at Wrigley in front of thousands of witnesses. What I needed was a way to get him out of the spotlight entirely.

"So I decided to completely destroy fake Rich's confidence, so that he wouldn't just be subpar, he'd be outright terrible. I began questioning his ability to throw strikes, his work ethic, the length of his dong relative to the rest of the team, and his pathetic velocity. Whatever pride and ability his father had instilled in him quickly vanished, and soon he was just horrible. They sent him to Triple A Iowa, but that wasn't enough of a backwater to guarantee our safety. So I continued to send him letters and call him on the phone, telling him how much he sucks and how good our team is now that he's gone. They sent him down to rookie ball, and there he dwells - in Arizona. Do you know how few people stick around Arizona in August? It's basically just Mexicans and coyotes!"

Suddenly, the biggest bafflement I've dealt with all season became crystal clear. And I knew exactly what I had to do.

Twelve hours later, I pulled my rental car up to the Cubs facility in Arizona. It was quiet, almost too quiet. There wasn't a game or practice going on - just pseudo Hill spinning tales for a bunch of credulous 19 year old teammates.

As I approached, I heard him boast, "So I told Jenna Bush, 'Take it easy on my cock, I've only got one!' HEYYYY, Tommy!"

"How's it going, Rich," I said, barely maintaining my composure. "You wanna take a walk around the block and we can discuss your progress?" Then for the benefit of the onlookers, I added, "By the way, I just bought a yacht with gold bars and I was thinking it would be really fun to go to the Tuna Club on Catalina Island..."

"Love to!" he cried. "Guys, when I get back, I'll tell you about the time I danced the lambada with Lydia Hearst."

As we walked around the block, "Rich" tried to assure me that he didn't have Steve Blass Disease, and that he'd be back to tossing 11-K CG SO's just as soon as his back problems worked themselves out. "Yeah yeah," I said, "sure man."

A black SUV festooned with Cubs stickers suddenly swung around the corner, blasted up the street and squealed to a halt right next to us.

"What the hell?!" exclaimed psuedo Hill.

"Shut the fuck up," I said, and pistol whipped him with my nine. He collapsed in a heap. I popped open the SUV's back door, tossed Nachtmarz Jr's limp body inside, and told Piniella at the wheel - "hit it!!"

When the impostor awoke, we were flying down the 10 freeway towards California, deep in the desert and far from any signs of civilization. At first, he wasn't sure what was up. "Jesus, my head hurts. Uh, are we still going to the Tuna Club, Tommy? Wait a minute...Lou, what are you doing here??"

"Fuck you!!" yelled Piniella from the front seat. "We know who you REALLY are!"

"How do you mean? I'm Rich Hill!" he said.

"Rich Hill is in a shallow grave in Boise," I replied. "and if by 'going to the Tuna Club' you mean 'abandoned in the desert, soon to be sodomized and murdered,' then yeah, you're going to the Tuna Club - Nachtmarz!!"

The expression on his face abruptly changed and he spoke with a thick Nordic accent. "All right, you found out who I really am. But it's too late!! The damage I've done to your teams can never be undone! You're both going to fall short of the championship thanks to my father's ingenious schemes! Hahahahahahaha...."

Infuriated by his boasts, I almost capped him right then and there. But then I glanced out the window and realized - we'd reached our destination. Deep in the desert, I espied a sign: "STATE PRISON - DO NOT STOP FOR HITCHIKERS."

"Stop the car!" I shouted to Sweet Lou, and as he pulled over I repeatedly bashed Nachtmarz Jr in the dome with my gat. Then I opened the car door and threw him out. With a squeal of tires and the aroma of burning rubber, we blasted away down the interstate.

As I watched through the rear view mirror, an orange jumpsuited escapee snuck out from behind a bush, grabbed the stunned pseudo-Hill, and began ravaging him with the ruthlessness of Ron Perlman in Quest for Fire. I had no doubt that a horrible death was soon to follow.

Later that week, as we hit fungoes to the LM fielders, some podunk cops from Quartzsite, Arizona came to question me and Piniella about the Hill case. "Show up at a rookie league facility? You've gotta be shitting me," I replied. "Those 19 year olds must have sunstroke if they think they saw ME." "Look us us, we're ancient!" cried Sweet Lou. "Snowbirds like us don't show up in AZ until the wintertime! Hey, you guys want some autographs?"

Then we had some sandwiches and laughed about the whole affair. Life's funny sometimes.

AROUND THE LEAGUE

So LM is finally getting settled in our new headquarters, and with our scouting operations once again running at full power, it's time to look around the league and see what's going on.

1st - Lacey
A ten game winning streak that was truly a thing of beauty was finally snapped by VR last week. During that run, LU won by 10-9 twice and 10-8 once. As has often been noted in this space, close games are where true greatness is proved!! Some of LU's trademark players, like Hanley Ramirez and Nate McLouth, have been scuffling, and Billy Wagner recently went down with an injury, derailing the league's most potent trifecta of closers. But Jesse Carlson, Frank Francisco and Taylor Buchholz have reestablished LU's presence in the hold category, a trademark of this franchise that was in remission for a time, but no longer. And overall, this team has scary depth that means there are really no weaknesses I can espy.

With two weeks to go, LU is in the driver's seat for the pennant, but a very tough schedule of DLBP/Snatty stands in the way. The latter is a particular concern, because along with VR (twice!), Flash and LM, Snaturals is one of the only teams to beat Lacey this season.

The season-ending injury to Carlos Lee, mere days after LU traded for him, was another reminder of the cruelties of the trade market. In all honesty, I took no joy in this news, unlike some contending GMs I could name...

2nd - FC
Two players are absolutely mashing for this team, one heralded and acknowledged as a fantasy god, and the other roundly scorned by the LOWV less than a year ago. David Wright is this team's signature star, but Raul Ibanez was dissed in offseason arbitration by almost the whole panel: LU said "gross," and even FC said "Expected to carry too much in a crap lineup" and gave him a 1. Now that "1" is pacing his offense. One area of weakness is catcher. Victor Martinez is still not healthy, and while Jeff Clement is finally getting the playing time he deserves, he is hitting a pretty empty .306. But that's about as nit picky as I can get with this team of patient mashers.

Johan Santana hasn't always been a fantasy master this season, but with the postseason approaching he is rounding into form and has been very sharp of late, nailing a CG SO on Sunday to destroy yours truly. That blowout put FC in a position to threaten LU, which again brings into relief the shittiness of only one matchup between those teams this season. FC isn't that confident, however, complaining that he has to play the mighty VR this week. Who said winning the pennant was easy?

Finally, it's worth noting that this team is currently carrying SEVEN relievers, with one SP/RP and one on the bench!

3rd - D'Lucious
For my money, the most exciting team in the league this year. Manny Ramirez, while demonstrably evil, is now cranking balls all over Chavez Ravine and carrying DLBP to glory. Ryan Theriot is hitting so well, he's become a pretty good option at second base. Alex Rios continues to disappoint, he lost Wakefield and CJ Wilson and Lincecum for a time, but he is coasting into the playoffs regardless. The problem with DLBP continues to be his play against other good teams. Though the Pies have thoroughly handled LM, their record against the other playoff-caliber teams is mixed, epitomized by a recent ass kicking administered by Snatty. The close of his schedule pits him against the deadly Clermont combo of LU and FC. Let's see how the Pies fare against this platinum level competition.

Once again, I have to really dig to find some weaknesses. DLBP's bullpen isn't exactly lights-out, even K-Rod has been hittable lately, and his team ERA has escalated upwards. But his K/BBsmanship is undeniable, and the offense is strong. Pencil this team into the second round.

4th - BB
You'd think I'd be cursing them after they made me look like world's worst prognosticator by leapfrogging five teams into the thick of the playoff chase. Sorry. I love me some BB. This team keeps at it until it gets locked in, and nobody slaps hits onto the board like the Belt. With all of Spain on vacation or on siesta, Ricky keeps it locked to the keyboard, making smart moves, shuffling his lineup, and so on. His doomsday weapon is CC Sabathia. Matt Holliday has been a monster, and "untradeables" Ichiro and Reyes have been filling up the stat sheets. Liriano is back and nastified. Some BBers are struggling - Double-E, Kinsler and Pedro come to mind - but their woes are more than balanced by the geniuses on this team. You gotta love Nick Blackburn - unwanted in the rookie draft, his play demanded an FA signing early in the year and he has been pretty consistent ever since.

Of course, the information ministry of BB never rests. His current propaganda campaign aims to convince his rivals that he is just a lowly underdog compared with the "true dynasties" LU and FC. I laughed so hard I almost expired when he told me that, unlike BB, LM had joined the "Illuminati" of LOWV by winning a regular season crown. Nice try, but no. If three straight championships doesn't define the quintessential LOWV dynasty, than there is no such thing as an LOWV dynasty.

This week's matchup with Snatty is one of the defining games of the season. Can't wait to see what happens.

5th - Snatty
Quietly confident. Exuding love for his team. Scouting locations for a new stadium that he will own and operate himself. I don't think there's ever been a better time for this franchise.

Who's powering the offense? Would you believe Melvin Mora? 7 dongs, 39 RBI, an OPS of almost 1.200 in the last month - and Ramon Hernandez and Brendan Harris are also FA all-stars for this team. To say nothing of Mike Mussina...

Obviously, it all comes down to the apocalyptic matchup against Banana Belt. The first time these teams met this season, BB came away 11-7 winners - but this time Snatty is rocking a 7 week winning streak and looks tough as nails. As I found out first hand, Snatty is nothing to trifle with now that he's gotten reliable pitching and impact hitting to go around Big Papi. Is there any doubt that Snaturals is the GM of the Year?

Other than a dearth of recent CG SOs, this team really has it on lock right now. New Yorkers should be shaking in their boots when they behold this Bostonian behemoth...

6th - LM
Outright disaster!

I'm not going to lie, a major hindrance to my blogging abilities over the past month has been the impenetrable depression brought on by the utter collapse of my team. While LM hasn't been the only team that seemed headed for the playoffs before nosediving down the standings (cough cough, Flash), managing this nine (ten?) has been like watching a car crash in slow motion - what seemed like a championship season now appears to be the blackest mark on our team's reputation. Once part of the title conversation, we're now the ashamed owners of a six-week losing streak that has seen us get spanked by VR, DLBP, Snatty (see above), BB, LU and FC.

When I lie awake at night, asking Baby Jesus why this happened to me, three answers present themselves foremost. The first is hubris. Having missed out on the big money prize by one single hit last season, I was arrogant from the auction until my team was ambushed and basically destroyed by Snatty. I was so full of myself, I dared to count BB out (note to league, there is clearly a jinx associated with this foolish deed). Based on a methodology flimsier than a New Orleans stripper's underthings, I declared myself the pennant favorite based on schedule strength, then proceeded to play every hot team in the league and get thrashed. I also incited my fellow GMs to talk trash about Mama Jams behind a veil of anonymity. Meanwhile, I arrogantly blogged every time I beat a team early in the season, rubbing salt in their wounds like a true asshole. The main reason my team transformed from geniuses to penises is that I needed to be taken down a peg, and the fantasy gods did their worst.

The second reason is clearly managerial incompetence. I challenge any GM in the league to present a more embarrassing record of shitty trades than LM has compiled. Not only that, but I have a proven genius for extracting great performances in the unlikeliest of circumstances by benching a player, thus inspiring him to hit triples or hurl a CG SO. The icing on the cake is the horrifying memories of seriously considering picking up an FA - Carlos Quentin comes to mind - then deciding to wait a bit longer, whereupon another team grabs him and laughs all the way to the bank.

Finally, our team has had unbelievably shit luck when it comes to injuries. The bell of bad news began to toll when Rafael Furcal went down, blowing a hole in my infield. Then Vernon Wells got hurt, twice. CMW went down for most of the season, Brad Penny was horrid (it turned out he was hurt too), and John Maine fucked up his arm, leading me to trade for Aaron Harang - who got hurt. Chipper Jones and Milton Bradley have battled nagging injuries all season, Adam LaRoche went down just as he started his usual late season mashing, so I traded for David DeJesus - who got hurt. Extremely promising Dustin McGowan tore his arm all to shit. When Carl Crawford went out for the season I just had to laugh. I haven't even mentioned the dozen or so roleplayers who have gone down on me, like the time Jeff Keppinger was acquired by LM only to have his kneecap shattered by a foul ball an hour later. It basically got to the point where if a guy got hurt, I had to cut him or just give up on the season, so I started slashing, and teams like unB and Mothership are still grinning about it.

Shockingly - it looks like we still have a chance to fight for the 6th spot. And fight we will, even if I gave up all hope in order to preserve my own sanity a couple of weeks ago...

7th - Neil's Team
Thank god for Equipe, whose corresponding struggles have allowed me to stay in the fight. This team has some players who are absolutely kicking ass and some who are really struggling. No doubt his absence from regular computerdom while on his pre-wedding sex tourism jaunt to Southeast Asia is part of the reason why guys like Tacoby Bellsbury and Casey Kotchman have been getting ABs. I'm guessing he'll be a little more plugged in when he faces Mothership and the Manicotti.

That said, Equipe's collapse against the Flash yesterday was pretty embarrassing. I can't really talk, because my team got raped, but to blow a lead that late is emblematic of a stones shortage (cf. 2008 LA Lakers).

If you really look at how it shook out, however, that loss quickly becomes irrelevant. Fact is, Neil's Team looks pretty good entering the final two weeks. With some tweaks, his lineup should be dialed in. His starting pitching is headlined by the unhittable B. Webb and an increasingly dominant Matsuzaka. The bullpen is pretty solid (Balfour was a nice pickup). This team is still of excellent caliber and capable of doing serious damage in the playoffs.

LM/ERdR battles in the past have been some of the most exciting games in LOWV history. They generally feature Brandon Webb throwing a CG SO on the last day of the week, or offensive explosions that move handfuls of categories in an afternoon. Tune in Week 22 for the latest in this friendly rivalry.

Subplot: Does David Price arrive in time to impact the playoff race?

8th - Poor Man's Fart
If a poor man farts in the wilderness, and no one is there to hear it, does it still audibly quoff?

This team sits a mere 7 games out of the playoffs, yet it does not receive a lot of buzz around the league as a contender. A look at its roster reveals a team looking gassed...guys like Navarro, Loney, Sizemore, Reynolds and especially Berkman are performing at a lower level than they did in the first half. At press time, this team was operating with four starters and a bullpen whose erstwhile star, George Sherrill, has a 6.52 ERA over the past month.

The good news - his schedule of Flash and Mothership is more reasonable than most of his competitors. He's in excellent position to claim a playoff spot. While his SPs are few, they are superb. Aramis Ramirez has been hitting well, and Mike Aviles is definitely one of the best FA pickups this season. Over the past three weeks, PMF is 2-0-1.

Will this team thrive on silencing the doubters? Or does it secretly embrace the role of last man out?

9th - VR
Arguably the best infield in the league at this point in time, despite the fact that many GMs have sneered at the presence of some of the players as recently as this season. Kevin Youkilis, Dustin Pedroia, Troy Tulowitzki, Ryan Braun and Robinson Cano are all playing excellent baseball right now. VR recently reeled off a 7-week winning streak and just last week obliterated the seemingly unstoppable LU.

The problem? This team dug itself too deep a hole and it's going to be very difficult to gain the necessary ground. The beginning of this season was a mess for VR, featuring his star SPs pitching horribly, multiple members of his lineup getting hurt or just stinking out loud, a bullpen that was a complete joke and desperate cries for mercy taking the place of smack talk. However, with guys like Cano and Beckett turning it around, and canny GM moves transforming the bullpen into an airtight unit, VR looks like a team that could take on anyone and win in the playoffs.

14 games is not an insurmountable obstacle. He'll have to smash FC and unB.

10th - The Flash
No sooner did I crown this guy than he falls off the face of the earth.

11th - Mothership
Spoiler alert!!!!!!

It seems to be an LOWV tradition that a team that didn't quite make the cut each year ravages a playoff or pennant contender, and then rallies the next season to contending status themselves. This season, Mothership may fill that role. With games against ERdR and PMF, the Ship's performance for the rest of the regular season will have a serious impact on the playoff picture. Essentially, if Mikeman inspires his men to glory the next two weeks, the present status quo will be preserved.

It's lucky for PMF and Neil's Team that Mike isn't the kind of guy who likes to play spoiler, and he that would derive no pleasure out of trouncing and thus eliminating either of them.

Psych!!!! I can just see him now, laughing with glee after destroying his fellow New Yorkers, torpedoing their playoff dreams and setting the stage for a glorious sail in 2009...

12th - El Guapo
The most notable thing about this team's 2008 endgame regards what it DIDN'T do...trade A-Rod.

As the trade deadline approached, there were widespread whispers that Madonna's love slave might be on the move. The most frightening scenario had Rodriguez going to Lacey Underalls for Jake Peavy and Nate McLouth. It was said that Lacey made panting advances, saying that Hanley alone was off the table. However, it is unclear whether the A-Rod/McPeavy deal was actually proposed, or if so by which side. The rumor, however, horrified half the league.

I have it on extremely good authority that Mothership made repeated and impassioned attempts to acquire Rodriguez, but balked at including Josh Hamilton in the deal. Other GMs attempting to work trades with El Guapo found that he didn't have time to address their offers, concentrating all his energies on a possible A-Rod swap.

But the deadline came and went, and Rodriguez stayed put.

In my mind, this was clearly the right move. While it makes sense for a team in the bottom quarter of the standings to exchange a veteran star for a package of young players, GMs were simply too stingy when it came to their offers. Alex Rodriguez is one of the top fantasy players in the game - you have to give up one of the top players to get him! For instance, A-Rod for Hamilton is a deal that makes sense. But Mothership declared that impossible because Hamilton is his "franchise", pointing especially to his $3 salary. In this way, the offers fell short as GMs failed to acknowledge that A-Rod is Guapo's franchise. Why would he settle for anything less than a top-of-the-line offensive talent?

13th - unB
Another team with a legit chance to make the headlines as a spoiler. unB faces two teams desperate for a playoff spot, LM and VR. He's playing with 2/3ds of a lineup - but the guys who are healthy are mashing. His pitching staff doesn't get a lot of props, but he has guys like Jeremy Guthrie who continue to get it done. unB never gives up and will definitely relish the spoiler's role against two opponents who favor Brady over Mannings.

Unfortunately, he only has one win in the last nine weeks. The good news is that win was over PMF, a team he relishes upsetting. When unB can piss in someone's corn flakes, he uncorks a geyser.

14th - Bonomatory
Few GMs thought the Lee for Upton and Broxton trade appreciably improved BI, although the injury to Lee made many appreciate the deal in retrospect. Still, this team continues a years-long malaise and needs to break out in 2009 to maintain respectability.

I consulted a GM who's a veteran of several playoff runs to try and come up with an antidote for Bonomatory torpor. Here's what he prescribed: (1) "Get an ace. Don't count on Dempster to be the man for you next year. I'm not totally convinced." (2) "Get a first baseman and at least a passable catcher. The Johjima/Overbay combo is atrocious." (3) "Genius move to leave Stewart out there...now you won't have to sign him until the offseason, right into the 5 year slot that will keep him at $3 through 2013. Put him at IF in the spring and move Upton to the outfield." (4) "Volstad was great value with a 4th round pick...keep waiting on him and you can have him through 2011." (5) "Anibal is decent, but get rid of Froot Loops." (6) "Don't be afraid to cut almost everyone off your roster in the offseason and rebuild from scratch."

My sources tell me the team's eponymous GM, Matthew Bonoma, has gotten engaged - my final thought is to shout out a hearty congratulations!

COMING SOON: A comprehensive evaluation of the Junior League in 2009, featuring commentary on every roster in the LOWV minors.

Shortpants XXXI -- Trouble Up the Middle

2008-08-14T20:03:00.000-07:00

I hate not having time to post this in the properly produced manner, but time is precious. Shortpants is back, you filthy degenerates.

Shortpants XXXI

Tommy's Thoughts #13

2008-07-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

First off, I am psyched at the announcement that we may soon be enjoying regular installments of Shortpants once more. If composing these blog entries has taught me anything, it's that the LOWV is a hungry beast, and feeding its appetite for entertainment is a hard job. Like a heroin junkie, the league gets hooked on your product and is soon banging down your door demanding more. You're trying to do other things and enjoy the summer, handle your personal shiznit, et cetera, and next thing you know, you're way overdue for your next installment and the natives are restless.

Don't listen to the haters, Mike and friends, and get to work. I hope the hiatus has refreshed y'all's minds and prepared you for an even greater radio show. I'll be listening!

In more depressing news, VR is giving my team all we can handle this week. Add to that a rash of injuries, a handful of strongly surging teams threatening to overtake us the the standings, and daily flareups of my agita - and you have yourself one pissed-off Tommy. I have had more than my share of outbursts at the press table and in the clubhouse as a result...

Reporter: What's your opinion of VR's performance?

Lasorda: What's my opinion of VR's performance? What the fuck do you think is my opinion of it? I think it was fucking horseshit. Put that in I don't fucking ... Opinion of his performance? Jesus Christ he's hitting .368/1.011. What the fuck do you mean what is my opinion of his performance? How can you ask me a question like that? What is my opinion of his p - of his p-p-performance? Jesus Christ he's averaging three doubles a day! Jesus Christ. I'm fucking pissed off to be losing the fucking game, and you ask me my opinion of his performance. Jesus Christ. I mean that's a tough question to ask me, isn't it? What is my opinion of his performance?

Reporter: Yes it is. I asked it and you gave me an answer.

Lasorda: Well I didn't give you a good answer because I'm mad but I mean...

Reporter: Well it wasn't a good question....

Lasorda: That's a tough question to ask me right now what is my opinion of his performance... I mean you want me to tell you what my opinion of his performance is...

Reporter: You just did.

Lasorda: That's right. Jesus Christ. Guy racks four saves against us in as many days. Shit. I mean I don't want to - uh -uh I don't want to get pissed off or anything like that but you know you ask me my opinion. I mean he put on a helluva show, I mean he got fifty hits, he's driven in, what, twenty-three runs?

Reporter: Twenty-four.

Lasorda: Twenty-four runs so I mean what the hell more can you say about him? I didn't mean to get mad or anything like that, but god damn you ask my opinion of his, er, uh, of his performance. Seeya Joe. Shit.

Eff the mainstream media!! That's why I joined the blogosphere, because of dumbass questions like that.

THE THREE RACES: THE PENNANT, THE YOFFS, THE FUTURE

First of all, let me admit unequivocally that my end-of-season predictions issued on the 4th have already proven to be total crap. I now doubt that I can fight off LU, to say nothing of DLBP and FC; I definitely counted out BB and VR way too soon; and I fear that I may have terminally jinxed PMF.

So allow me to ditch the specifics and break things down in a more accurate manner.

As I see it, there are three races going on in the league right now. Each of them holds magnificent prizes for the winner. Each looks to be fiercely contested to the end. The winner of the 2008 LOWV pennant will take home a nice cash prize, a first-round bye in the yoffs, and a place in the history books. The winner of the battle for 6th place wins the pride of a playoff contender and a chance to take home the title. And the winner of the battle for the future - the competition among non-contending teams to reload and restock - wins a chance to bounce back strongly next year and change an unsuccessful '08 into a springboard for future glory.

The Race for the Pennant. As of this moment, there are four teams in the thick of it, with a fifth standing just out of range. When the dust clears this weekend, the leader is likely to be Lacey, who is looking to run his winning streak to six games and take his first outright lead in a long while. Over the last five weeks, LU has gone 59-35, and all season has shown a real knack for tying categories when he can't manage to win them - those half-games really add up after a while. LM is fighting for our lives against a mightily-slugging VR, to the point that I did a jig of glee when I saw we'd managed to scrape back to an 11-8 deficit as of this morning. We'll do well to hold things together and remain in striking distance of the Underalls. Meanwhile, I've been singing the praises of DLBP all summer, and only sounded a sour note last week - yet another reason why I'm running away from those predictions as fast as my stout legs can carry me. The Pies are a force and a legit contender for the pennant, and with each week they creep closer and closer to first. DLBP hasn't lost since his back-to-back smackdowns from FC and LU; will he be in the top spot by the time he faces them in the last two weeks of the season? It's quite possible. FC owner C. Dave Sahl was stunned to realize that despite obliterating unB last week, he didn't move up in the standings at all; but he has begun to take command of his matchup against ERdR, who is sitting a distant fifth and needs a very strong finish to get into this conversation. The winner of the FC/Equipe battle has a much better chance of overtaking the league leaders than the loser. Watch this matchup closely...

The Race for the Yoffs. This is clearly the most compelling contest of all, a situation that is continuously in flux and carries with it the most potent highs and disappointments of all. As I noted a moment ago, Equipe looks to be safely ensconced in fifth place and might even move up when all is said and done. But a sixth-place slot that looked like PMF's to lose is now totally up in the air as the Poor Man has stumbled against BB and LU. Despite adding Joey Votto, PMF is still struggling offensively and when his pitching falters, he is dead in the water. Still, this team probably wants the 6th spot more intensely than any of his opponents and will brave hell or high water to get it. The Mothership has refused to say die this year, and as the team's owner returns to the airwaves, the Ship has sailed for the port of glory and will be wrecked on the rocks before it runs up the white flag. (Holy metaphor, Batman!!) While the Ship only occasionally deigns to hit a home run, he sure knows how to fill up a stat line, and many times, that's enough. I was a jackass to count out the Banana Belt, also known as the greatest franchise in LOWV history. BB rallied to obliterate PMF last week, wisely cut Homer Bailey loose and might be welcoming Liriano back to the rotation soon. Bonomatory hit him with a strong right cross - Kuroda's CG SO - but the Belt is not going to quit fighting until the season is through, and God help us all if he makes the playoffs. Vicious Rumors is on a ridiculous winning streak and has been kicking my ass all week, even though I'm not playing that badly! Crunch his numbers if you dare: over the past month VR has been better than most pennant contenders. The Flash has fallen to ninth place after last week's debacle, and as of this morning may fall even further if he can't pull himself together. I initially felt that the trades to add Harden and Danks would mark a turning point in his season, and so far it appears that I was right, just not in the way that I thought. Finally, if his rout of Flash holds up, you have to count Snaturals in the mix - easily the least consistent team in the league this year. He's routed powerhouses, and he's gotten housed by basement-dwellers. But woe be unto you if you face Snatty when all his guns are firing. He can destroy even the most potent lineup, and thus it's too early to count him out of the playoff picture.

The Race for the Future. A year ago, Equipe and Mothership were taking on water at this point in the season; two years ago, Lacey was slumping towards an 11th-place finish. What did these teams do? They stayed focused and reloaded, and were back in the playoff mix the next season. For those teams who don't look like title contenders in 08, the goal is the same. Good teams are slashing quality players with season-ending injuries - scoop them up at a discount. Flip the aging all-stars on your roster for cheap and promising young talent. Audition $1 and $3 players for a starting role on your team the next season. Although it can be downright painful to call up the LOWV page when your team is in the basement, there are ample opportunities for these teams that only increase as the season runs on and the trade deadline draws near.

While Snatty is still fighting for the playoffs, he may want to consider reloading if things go south. Could he bear to part with Captain Jeet? However, his $60 in cap space might also make him a buyer at the deadline. Further away from first place we find a triumvirate of disappointment. El Guapo seemed to win week after week with smoke and mirrors last year, and despite a relatively easy schedule, he's just too far out to contend. Can he get a playoff team to mortgage their future for Kerry Wood or Ben Sheets? unB is stocking up his roster with injured players, a strategy that I love. He's headed in the right direction, although as I told him myself, I think Brian Buscher blows. Finally, there's BI, who Sahl called "our league's Tampa Bay" mere months ago - and yet Tampa Bay turned it around before BI did. In my opinion, what separates BI from a Guapo or Snatty is the lack of a real-deal, bona-fide stud like A-Rod or Papi. Put a player like that in with Carlos Lee, Magglio and JD Drew and you've got something legit. What would it take to pry Jay Bruce from FC, for instance?

INJURY WOES STRIKE LM

A dark cloud moved over our season this week, as we lost Aaron Harang and Dustin McGowan to arm injuries. Harang might be back later this month, McGowan can only dream of returning to action that soon. As I enjoyed a round of frisbee golf with Major James Beans yesterday, I told him that one more injury would mean serious changes to the LM roster. When I returned to the clubhouse, I found Vernon Wells nursing a sore pussy. The room was in turmoil - LM stalwarts like Russell Martin regarded the oft-injured Wells with disgust, fellow disappointments like Rafael Furcal tried to stick up for him, and team captain Ryan Howard tried to keep the peace. I immediately went ballistic when I saw my team in such disarray. The result was an all out screaming match in front of the team, the press, terrified clubbies, and a few small children who learned many new words that day.

Lasorda: Fuck no. He can't stay in the lineup, for Christ all fucking mighty.

Martin: Fucking Wells gets hurt running the fucking bases.

Wells: I feel good, Tommy.

Lasorda: I don't give a shit if you feel good, this is your third motherfucking injury in two years.

Wells: They're all freak injuries, though.

Lasorda: I don't give a fuck.

Wells: Tommy, I can rehab this mother fucker and be right back in there.

Lasorda: I don't give a shit, Vern.

Furcal: I think you're wrong this time, Tommy.

Lasorda: Well I may be wrong but that's my god dammed job. I'll make the...

Wells: I ain't fucking hurting.

Lasorda: I'll make the fucking decisions here.

Wells: You think I'm playing that bad?

Lasorda: I'll make the fucking decisions here, ok?

Wells: I put two runs on the fucking board yesterday.

Lasorda: (enraged) I don't give a fuck!

Howard: Hey, hey, come on....

Wells: Hey Tommy I don't have to take this shit!

Lasorda: Don't give me any shit, god damn it! I'll make the fucking decisions. Keep your fucking mouth shut, I told ya.

Howard: This looks bad out here man. Not in front of the press. You want to talk about it talk about it inside...

Lasorda: You talk about it in my fucking office.

Wells: If I felt bad then I wouldn't say nothing.

Howard: I'm just saying talk about it inside. This is not the place to be talking about it.

Wells: Yeah, ok.

Howard: Ok? That's all I'm trying to say. Don't jump on me, shit. I'm just trying to avoid a fucking scene out here, that's all.

Lasorda: That's right. It's fucking great for you to be standing out here talking to me like that.

Wells: If I didn't feel good I wouldn't say nothing.

Lasorda: I don't give a shit, Vernon. I'm the fucking manager of the fucking team! I've gotta make the fucking decisions, and I'll make 'em to the fucking best of my ability! They may be the fucking wrong decisions, but I'll make it. Don't worry about it. I'll make the fucking decisions. I gave ya a fucking chance to walk out of here. I can't fuck around we're sliding down the standings. If it was last week that's a different fucking story. I can't - I can't let you out there in a fucking game like this, I got a fucking job to do!! What's the matter with you?

After this shameful episode, I issued Wells his walking papers and then shitcanned Furcal for insubordination and wasting my frickin' money. My next goal is to assassinate the ESPN fantasy fruit who featured my injury armageddon in a column. "A painful day for fantasy owners"? In this league, it's more like fantasy OWNER!

PAY THE M-F-ING PIPER

I checked in with the Commissioner's office this morning to find out who had yet to ante.

The answer came back: the Banana Belt, El Guapo, Mothership and Snaturals.

In all honesty, Rick, BB's failures to ante sadden me. Not only did you have enough scratch to move to Spain, you're now making twice what any of us are making in dollar terms, thanks to a ridiculous exchange rate. Hell, I bet if you convert the euro coins that are sitting under your couch cushions into dollars, that's your ante right there. This league wouldn't be what it is without the majesty, accomplishments, inscrutability and genius that is the Banana Belt. But it is a black mark on the team's proud record that its finances are never in order. It's a goddamn shame when my hard-earned money goes to a team that didn't win the championship, just because the winner failed to ante up. Please, please, for the love of the Sagrada Familia and all that is holy, please pay up.

Jim, congratulations on graduating from law school and launching yourself on a career path where you are sure to out-earn me in perpetuity, while even in a down year you've proven your baseball genius by scouting John Bowker with your own peepers. No doubt the future is bright for you, good sir, in LOWV and otherwise. How about a downpayment on that success in the form of an LOWV ante check?

Mikeman - while I'll defend your radio hiatus to the death, I cannot defend lack of ante. Surely you can bum a couple twenties off D. Sheik, or finger paint up some amazing piece of art and get your buddy from Girls to sell it in his gallery. There are so many money-making options in NYC for a Wisconsonian stud like yourself; why I bet if you go Midnight Cowboy this afternoon you'll be racking up cash before night falls. Regardless, with the return of the radio show you'll be seeing the Madman often. How about slapping some cash in his hand next time?

Jamo, the Commissioner tells me you've often spoken of paying up this year, and historically you've been most faithful with your ante. I'm sure the lack of funds submitted to the league office is merely an oversight. It looks to me like you've got an outside shot to make the 'yoffs, so why not pony up and spark a little karma in your favor?

To all of the above, please send $34 immediately to
C. Dave Sahl
Commissioner, LOWV
338 Clermont Ave
Brooklyn, NY 11205

Meanwhile....our battle with VR has me in a constant state of fury and anguish. Hopefully this week will be over soon, before I drop any more f-bombs in front of the press...

Lasorda: I ain't fucking shitting you when I say this. That fucking cocksucker, he, he was burning himself right there on the fucking mound. Fucking swinging at fucking balls this fucking high. He walks - he walked Bradley, he don't come close to the fucking plate. (laughter from reporters) He walked Giambi, he don't come near the fucking plate. Two balls and one fucking strike and the fucking ball up in his fucking eyes, and Chipper swings at the mother fucking ball. How the fuck can you hit that fucking guy? Crawford, Crawford needed a fucking oar to hit the fucking ball today (more laughter), that's how fucking bad he was - their fucking pitches were. I'll tell ya, he'd have made a fucking great fucking cricket player, hitting the ball on one fucking bounce. I'll tell ya, that's a fucking crime. We had more fucking scoring opportunities (yet more laughter) to win that mother fucking game, and I'll tell ya that cocksuckers get away with that fucking shit, that motherfucker!

(laughter again - after this point Lasorda is completely enraged and the reporters' laughter is non-stop)

Reporter 1: That long enough for ya Jim?

Lasorda: I don't give a fuck I'm fucking shit, fuck 'em! Lucky motherfuckers! How the fuck can those cocksuckers get by with that fucking shit? Ah, put that in your fucking paper, TJ! Every fucking word I said put it in the mother fucking paper! I don't give a fuck, TJ!

Reporter 2: How do ya spell...

Lasorda: Put that in that mother fucking paper you work for! What in the fuck is the name of that paper, TJ?

Reporter 3: Tommy, what was your opinion of VR's performance...

Lasorda: Get the fuck out of here, Joe!

Reporter 3: No, no, I'm serious, I have to ask that....

Lasorda: I'm serious too. Get the fuck out of here I don't want to fucking talk to ya.

Tommy's Midseason Thoughts (#12)

2008-07-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July everyone. America! Fuck yeah!

Sorry for the long delay between columns...but this one took a while to gestate.

After last week's results, we have now gone through an entire rotation and each team has played every other team in the league. There is no better time for a comprehensive evaluation of each team, because nobody can bitch that their schedule was too hard or that the sample size was too small. Also, we have an interesting situation with regard to remaining schedules - since we won't do another full rotation, some people will have it easier than others.

Therefore, by the power vested in me as the most compulsive blogger in the league this season, I present to you the Tommy's Thoughts Midseason Report.

REMAINING SCHEDULES

As the better part of the league gears up for the playoff drive, schedules will matter. A staff of trained monkeys and half-wits have been crunching numbers in the LM back office all week, and we have determined who has it easy and who has been screwed by the schedule gods.

To do so, we compiled the total records of all remaining opponents (including this week) for every team, coming up with a cumulative record thus far for that team's remaining opposition. We then broke that record into a raw score: Raw Score = Wins + (Ties * .5). This is the method Yahoo! uses to tally the standings.

For example, BI's opponents (Snatty, BB, LU, FC, unB, ERDR, PMF, ElG, Flash) have a collective .500 record - when their records are totaled, the result is 1099-1099-376. This leads to a raw score of 1287 (1099+188).

Here's a quick look at the raw score ranges and what they mean, along with how many teams fall into each category:

RS below 1260 - Very favorable schedule (2 teams)
RS between 1260 and 1270 - Favorable schedule (4 teams)
RS between 1270 and 1300 - Less-than-favorable schedule (5 teams)
RS above 1300 - Unfavorable schedule (3 teams)

TOMMY'S MIDSEASON HONORS

I've also reviewed each roster and each team's roster moves for the season thus far, and awarded prizes in the following categories:

MVP - In my opinion (which goes for all awards), the team's most valuable position player thus far. Stats are most important, followed by position. Salary not really a factor.
Cy - The team's best pitcher thus far. Again, stats are the focus and salary is disregarded.
LVP - The team's biggest disappointment / worst regular starter. Salary can be a factor if a player is drastically underperforming his contract. Young players are usually ruled out, unless they were counted on play a key role or make big bucks.
Pud - Named for Pud Galvin, "the Little Steam Engine", the first known PED user in baseball and the losingest pitcher in MLB history behind Cy Young. Goes to the team's most disappointing/worst pitcher, and again salary can be factored into this evaluation.
FA - The team's best free agent pickup of the season thus far, based largely on performance since joining the team.
Auction - The team's best pickup at the spring auction, based on performance for that team.

(Draft pick evaluations I'm going to save for later in the season, when each team's Junior League squad can be properly ranked.)

PREDICTED FINISH

A most unscientific estimate, based on the team's performance thus far, an informal evaluation of GMsmanship, the upcoming schedule difficulty, and various X-factors such as attactiveness of girlfriends and competitive fire.

OK, enough of this, let's get to the good stuff. In advance, I submit humble apologies for any errors of fact, confusion or offensive statements.

I now present to you Tommy's Midseason Thoughts.

BONOMATORY INFLUENCE

Current spot in standings: 14th
Games back of 1st place: 58.5
Games back of 6th place: 41
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1099-1099-376 (1287)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 9th

MVP: J.D. Drew, seized by BI in a very disinterested waiver auction last summer. Turns out to be one of his best moves yet.
Cy: Ryan Dempster. OK, I'm convinced.
LVP: Gary Sheffield, whose record-breaking $31 contract has produced very little in the way of tangible benefit to BI.
Pud: Dontrelle Willis - who saw that coming? Oh yeah, everyone.
FA: Braden Looper
Auction: Hiroki Kuroda

Predicted finish: 14th

Notes: There are some really good pieces here, including some nice contracts and quality players. BI is also the most active this season that I can recall him being, and he certainly handed my ass to me when we played. The issue is depth and consistency. When his key guys are off or break down, it's rout city. When they're locked in, the team doesn't fill enough categories to have the chance to blow out its opponents. In this league, that equates to a last place finish.

unBELEAGUERABLE

Current spot in standings: 13th
Games back of 1st place: 50.5
Games back of 6th place: 33
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1114-1104-356 (1292)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 11th

MVP: Pat the Bat (or as I now call him, "P de B")
Cy: Bobby Jenks
LVP: Billy Butt. Wasn't this guy supposed to hit like Ichiro in addition to looking like he ate Ichiro? That old joke was a lot funnier when he wasn't just a fat waste of space making a double digit salary.
Pud: Beatt Mywifers, who now languishes in AAA after blowing up unB's pitching stats all season.
FA: Gavin Floyd
Auction: Geovany Soto - unB's best move all year was shelling out some bucks for this stud.

Predicted finish: 13th

Notes: It hasn't been the greatest season for unB, but let it never be said that he didn't go down fighting. I was at his house last Sunday as he inspected his matchup with LU and broke down what he was going to need to do to stay in it. Ultimately, his team battled to the end to narrow the gap. A lot of GMs would have given up on that matchup. Here's hoping another year of seasoning for some of his young studs will put unB in the conversation in 2009. For now, he ought to dump veterans for prospects and keep building that young nucleus.

EL GUAPO

Current spot in standings: 12th
Games back of 1st place: 42.5
Games back of 6th place: 25
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1077-1128-369 (1261.5)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 4th

MVP: Madonna's Bat Boy, who else?
Cy: Daniel Haren, with an honorable mention to the nearly flawless Lidge.
LVP: Barry Bonds, honestly this makes zero sense to me.
Pud: Tom Gorzelanny, the clock struck midnight and he turned back into a pumpkin. An ugly pumpkin with a name suited for a ugbo.
FA: Skip Schumaker
Auction: Kerry Wood - I'll admit I was most skeptical, but this turned into a genius pickup.

Predicted finish: 11th

Notes: The schedule looks good, and there are some elite players on this team. However, in evaluating the next few weeks, I don't have a lot of confidence in Guapo doing the little things that it takes to effect a dramatic rise in the rankings. His biggest win is 11-6 this season, and you need blowouts to jump from 12th into the playoff picture. Why play virtually without an offensive bench? Why leave an open spot at RP when Brad Ziegler is racking up holds mere miles away? Far be it from me to backseat-manage...aw, who am I kidding, that's practically what this column is all about.

SNATURALS

Current spot in standings: 11th
Games back of 1st place: 38.5
Games back of 6th place: 21
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1101-1098-375 (1288.5)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 10th

MVP: XNady, once kept on the roster as the "team mascot," now carries the team and might get traded to a better club that can put more men on base ahead of him and drive him around the bases with some bats behind him. Stay tuned.
Cy: Ervin Santana, a one-man advertisement for the wisdom of swapping solid but aging vets for struggling, high-ceiling youngsters after playoff dreams unravel.
LVP: Orlando Cabrera
Pud: "Zicasso"
FA: Mike Mussina, supposedly washed up but rejuvenated by the inspiring words of Hank Steinbrenner.
Auction: John Damon

Predicted finish: 12th

Notes: Snatty's last three scores were blowout losses - 14-3 to unB, 12-6 to Equipe, 13-5 to PMF. He beat LU and FC, but that doesn't do you much good when you bend over immediately afterwards. He has been known to take his eye off the ball, which pretty much rules out a miracle run to a playoff spot. Snatty needs to just keep making canny trades and build up his team for next year.

Patience will pay off.

VICIOUS RUMORS

Current spot in standings: 10th
Games back of 1st place: 34.5
Games back of 6th place: 17
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1122-1082-370 (1307)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 12th

MVP: Ryan Braun, with an honorable mention to Youk.
Cy: Josh Beckett
LVP: Troy Tulowitzki, who has been either injured or horrible
Pud: Oliver Perez, the Jekkyl and Hyde of SPs
FA: Andy Sonnanstine, who is fighting an uphill battle in the midst of the Tampa Bay cadre of high-ceiling young SPs, but continues to get it done with K/BB mastery.
Auction: Colby Rasmus? Not a great performance at auction for this team.

Predicted finish: 10th

Notes: VR has heated up with three straight wins, but a look at the upcoming schedule sends a steady stream of piss into his cornflakes. I think he will hold off Guapo to maintain the 10th spot, but a playoff run seems unrealistic at this point. He'll definitely have the opportunity to play spoiler down the stretch, however, with games against the top 4 teams in the current standings - a role that has catapulted some teams to success the following season. Best of luck, VR, except for next week.

the BANANA BELT

Current spot in standings: 9th
Games back of 1st place: 31.5
Games back of 6th place: 14
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1080-1124-370 (1265)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 5th (tie)

MVP: Ian Kinsler
Cy: CC Saba, who shook off some early rust to reestablish his dominance. Could be hurling for an awesome team by the fall, and destroying BB's opposition.
LVP: all catchers. Jason Kendall was bad, Jason Varitek was horrid - as soon as he joined BB, the latter cooled off in a hurry and soon reached subzero. Now Pudge is on the spot.
Pud: Homer Bailey / Francisco Liriano / Yovani Gallardo. BB had a lot staked on these young pitchers who rarely saw MLB starts this season, and got shelled when they did.
FA: David Murphy
Auction: Masa Kobayashi? Bandy Winn has disappointed. Shoulda hung on to Slowey.

Predicted finish: 8th

Notes: 14 games out of the playoffs is not an insurmountable deficit, and the schedule is very friendly - BB doesn't have to run the LU/FC gauntlet, unlike a lot of his opponents. Ruling BB out of the playoff picture is like pointing a loaded gun at your nutsack, but I just can't foresee a collapse from the teams in front of him, who have been actively working to improve their rosters. I have little doubt that this is going to wind up with me getting trounced by BB in the playoffs (or, horror of horrors, knocked out of the playoffs by BB!) and publicly humiliated for this call. So be it.

the FLASH

Current spot in standings: 8th
Games back of 1st place: 23.5
Games back of 6th place: 6
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1099-1101-374 (1286)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 7th (tie)

MVP: Dan Uggla, who hasn't just powered the Flash, he's begun to raise questions about who the most valuable U-named 2B in the league is.
Cy: Cole Hamels, who carried this staff through the first rotation.
LVP: Akinori Iwamura, one of the few outright disappointments. Tough to find an LVP here; most of this team's shortcomings have been through inconsistency, not outright suckage.
Pud: Ian Snell, publicly denounced by Flash before he dropped him.
FA: Ryan Ludwick
Auction: I'm not a fan of any of his auction pickups.

Predicted finish: 7th

Notes: If being on the playoff bubble isn't bad enough, Flash will have to hold off BB just to maintain his current position. I wouldn't rule him out of the playoff mix, especially with the great moves he's made in recent days to bolster his pitching staff. My concern with the Flash is his penchant for the occasional inexplicable blowout loss to a bad team. One or two more of those and he can kiss the 'yoffs goodbye. Still, I loved his moves to grab Dick Hard and John Dankin' Dronugs. If his awesome hitters get locked in, and his staff is hurling strikes, get the eff out of the way.

the MOTHERSHIP

Current spot in standings: 7th
Games back of 1st place: 23.5
Games back of 6th place: 6
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1118-1072-384 (1310)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 14th

MVP: Josh Hamilton
Cy: Andy Pettitte, barely beating out Joe Saunders. The Ship has gotten some SPs to step up to an unexpectedly high level for him, which is a big part of his success.
LVP: Paul Konerko, who has been a surprising non-factor this season. Last year he exploded after Memorial Day, but a chance at another such surge was cut short by injury.
Pud: Trevor Hoffman. Not only is he no longer the best reliever on this team (that'd be Rauch), he's not even the best Padre reliever on this team (Heath Bell).
FA: Ryan Doumit - As Ween might wail, Who's your papa? Ryan Doumit! This is the shit!
Auction: Kosuke Fukudome, who I give most of the credit for rejuvenating this team. When Mike says "Fuckyoudome" with such joy in his voice, he makes the world a better place.

Predicted finish: 9th

Notes: It was a real stomach punch to look at the schedule numbers and realize that the Ship had the worst draw of all. His chances of holding off two perennial playoff teams, including a dynastic champion, while leapfrogging the equally hungry PMF took a real hit when he landed the most difficult schedule. I'm pulling for you, though, Mikey, and nothing would give this GM more happiness (aside from my own success, of course) than to see you make your way into the playoffs. For those of you who think your team sucks and there is no hope, take a look at this success story. All it takes is some dedication and a trip to the Fukudome and you'll be right back in the mix again.

POOR MAN'S FART

Current spot in standings: 6th
Games back of 1st place: 17.5
Games ahead of 7th place: 6
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1074-1126-374 (1261)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 3rd

MVP: Lurkman, Bance Lurkman.
Cy: Roy Halladay. Declared washed up by FC and LU in a preseason Shortpants, he has racked up an astonishing 6 CGs.
LVP: all second basemen, a trouble spot for PMF all year. I think he may have hit on an answer with Casilla, although he's already shelling out for international scouting options...
Pud: Chris Young - though it's hard to criticize anyone on this glorious staff.
FA: Mike Aviles, who has been a real surprise. KC's top SS prospect (and Chocolate Bayou Turd, aka FC prospect) Mike Moustakas was recently moved to third base, which may presage a long run for Aviles, as long as he keeps hitting.
Auction: George Sherrill, best appreciated when his name is pronounced "jaw-juh sheh-rull" a la Kate Hepburn or some other old-time movie dame.

Predicted finish: 6th

Notes: I bring glad tidings. PMF's chances of hanging on to a playoff spot are very strong. His competition has a collective losing record, he made a smart trade to balance his team with a bit more pop, and with a healthy Halladay he is looking like a championship sleeper. The universally-acknowledged tragic figure of the 2007 season, PMF regrouped, stuck with his strength, and then adjusted down the stretch. He may have to fight off BB, but he's begun to do so already with a 13-8 advantage in their matchup (through this AM).

EQUIPE ROI du RADEAU

Current spot in standings: 5th
Games back of 1st place: 11
Games ahead of 7th place: 12.5
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1103-1105-366 (1286)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 7th (tie)

MVP: Brian McCann, one of the best catchers in the game today
Cy: Brandon Webb - still love his trade to snag this guy late last season. Yet another example of a good late-season trade from a team on the outs.
LVP: Casey Kotchman
Pud: Micah Owings
FA: Carlos Quentin, arguably the best FA pickup in the league this season
Auction: Troy Glaus, although he really should have hung onto Milton Bradley.

Predicted finish: 4th

Notes: Daniel Plainview has his team in great position - just above the scrum for 6th place that is quickly developing, with his roster in good shape, a possible Soriano return for the stretch run, and a relatively easy schedule. Not only can he maintain, I think he can even move up. And with B Webb pitching gems in the playoffs, this could be a tough team to beat - although his only playoff win in franchise history is a meaningless 3rd place game against a demoralized LM. I can't say enough about this team's capacity to surprise, though, given that many scratched their heads at his preseason moves and bought his smokescreen about building for the next decade, while noting his poor finish last season. It's quite possible that the season will end with Neil's team smashing in our heads with a figurative bowling pin and declaring, "I'm finished!!"

FECAL CLATTER

Current spot in standings: 4th
Games back of 1st place: 9
Games ahead of 7th place: 14.5
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1062-1130-382 (1253)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 1st

MVP: David Wright
Cy: Jim Shields, with a K/BB of 4.40 so far this season.
LVP: Victor Martinez and his OPS+ of 78, way way way below his usual before going down with an injury. His replacement, Seattle C/DH Jeff Clement, has tallied an OPS+ of 59 in his absence.
Pud: Rafael Betancourt
FA: Brandon Morrow, very promising as both a reliever and potential ace.
Auction: Jay Bruce. Even though everyone had to know he was going after Jaybird, he still got him at a reasonable price. Well done.

Predicted finish: 3rd

Notes: As has been noted often in this space and elsewhere, FC has a lineup filled with quality bashers who don't whiff overmuch and fill up a stat sheet real nice. While his perennial ace, Johan Santana, has startlingly taken a step back since moving to the NL, his staff has managed to counterpunch with dominance from Shields, good performances from Todd Lilly and a healthy AJ Burnett. With 4 starters boasting 100+ K's (and Wolf knocking on the door), FC isn't all stick and no arm. This team is more balanced than its rep suggests.

However, over the past month FC has gone 29-47, losing to El Guapo and getting housed by Snatty. This has corresponded with a slide from 1st to 4th in the standings. Not a good sign. While I expect the Clatter to recover their equilibrium, one more slip up and the regular season crown could elude their stinky brown grasp. The easiest schedule should help, though.

D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES

Current spot in standings: 3rd
Games back of 1st place: 8.5
Games ahead of 7th place: 15
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1127-1085-362 (1308)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 13th

MVP: Manny Ramirez, leading the league in senior citizens thrown to the ground
Cy: Tim Lincecum
LVP: Alex Rios. What the hell happened to this guy? Did he catch Vernon Wells Disease?
Pud: CJ Wilson. When your team's most impressive victory to date came as a direct result of benching a player, you know that player sucks.
FA: AJ Pierzynski, a gigantic douche who claims to be Barack Obama's favorite baseball player. If true, I will factor this into my decision in November. Tally one point for Johnny Mac in that department - I'm sure his favorite is one of the studly young white Dbacks that dot FC's roster. Good FA pickup for DLBP, regardless.
Auction: Rick Ankiel

Predicted finish: 5th

Notes: DLBP has risen to within striking distance of 1st place by pummelling bad teams, playing tough against solid teams, but his record against the other top teams is mixed. After memorably bludgeoning LM, he was then thrashed by FC and LU. All three teams are on his upcoming schedule. I don't see much letup in a set of future opponents packed with teams fighting for the yoffs. Thus, while I think DLBP is clearly one of the marquee franchises in LOWV at the moment, I foresee a slide of a few places in the standings. The Pies have a strong lineup, top to bottom, and while his pitching staff is uneven, he has some excellent arms. This roster is unstoppable when all the gears are turning - he'll have to show he can get it done against the playoff teams he'll tune up against over the next two months.

(Also - A hilarious story about Pierzynski I found online: "During a 2004 Spring Training game, while catching, Pierzynski took a pitch to the groin and fell instantly to the ground in pain. Trainer Stan Conte rushed from the dugout to his side and immediately inquired, "how does it feel?" AJ responded directly by saying, "like this" and kneed Conte in the groin, dropping him to the ground.")

the LACEY UNDERALLS

Current spot in standings: 2nd
Games back of 1st place: 1
Games ahead of 7th place: 22.5
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1080-1124-370 (1265)
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 5th

MVP: Hanley Ramirez, 20 dongs, 21 steals. Nuff said.
Cy: Edinson Volquez, ranked all season as the #1 "Key to Success" in Yahoo head-to-head leagues
LVP: Lastings Milledge
Pud: King Felix, who contines to draw one of the highest salaries in the league while delivering maddeningly inconsistent performance and frequent injuries. When he's on, there are few better. But he isn't always on.
FA: The "unquestionably genius" acquisition of Nate McLouth
Auction: Volquez - the best pickup by ANY team in the 2008 auction.

Predicted finish: 2nd

Notes: It's looking like a fight to the finish between LU and LM, with a few teams waiting outside the ring in case of a double knockdown. Probably "too close to call" territory, but I'd be a bitch if I picked the other guy to lower expectations, so I have LU falling just short. Obviously, our teams' Week 19 contest will be huge, since both of us have relatively light schedules otherwise. But a shocking smackdown from an unexpected source could turn this race, as it has so often in the past.

One more scheduling note - have you ever noticed that FC and LU are always back-to-back in the schedule? I don't think this is a coincidence. Commissioner Sahl speculated to me that Mama Jams waits as long as possible to sign up for the league so her team doesn't have to face FC (obviously the first to sign up) more than once a season. Gaming the scheduling system is fine strategy and all, but ideally our schedules would be assigned at random. The LOWV fans are the losers when one of our league's most heated rivalries only comes to the fore once a season. Can we do something about this in 2009?

Tough to find fault anywhere on LU's roster, quite frankly. This team is a lean, mean pitching machine with tons of versatile offensive players and one of the league's supreme benches. A regular season crown would result in a nice dinner out for LU damsel K. Lemerise, but what this organization really hungers after is the elusive championship so long denied. The playoffs will be where this fantastic team proves its true worth.

LASORDA'S MANICOTTI

Current spot in standings: 1st
Games back of 1st place: N/A
Games ahead of 7th place: 23.5
Remaining Schedule and Raw Score: 1053-1120-401
Remaining Schedule Favorability Rank: 2nd

MVP: Chase Utley
Cy: Cliff Lee - sure he won 18 games a few years ago, but NOBODY saw this one coming when he was sent down to the minors last season. Thanks for dropping him, Mothership!
LVP: Vernon Wells, who hasn't been that bad when healthy, but certainly not the Vernon Wells I traded for a year and a half ago. Adam LaRoche has sucked, but he always sucks in the first half.
Pud: Rich Hill. I don't want to talk about it.
FA: Milton Bradley, although Lee has to be considered a very close second. But Milton been berry berry good to my stats and this column with his dongsmanship and general insanity.
Auction: Joe Nathan

Predicted finish: 1st

Notes: Although two key players have gone down to potentially season-ending injuries and another can't throw a strike to save his life even in a rookie league, LM hangs in there with big production from our stars and our unusual skill at finding diamonds in the rough. Can we make it to the finish line ahead of the pack? It certainly seems possible, but our pitching staff must be consistent and our hitters must stay healthy. This franchise, like the ones chasing it, has no higher goal than to end the one-team hammerlock over the championship.

SCHEDULE FAVORABILITY RECAP

14. Mship - 1310
13. DLBP - 1308
12. VR - 1307
11. unB - 1292
10. Snatty - 1288.5
9. BI - 1287
7t. Flash - 1286
7t. ERDR - 1286
5t. BB - 1265
5t. LU - 1265
4. Guapo - 1261.5
3. PMF - 1261
2. LM - 1253.5
1. FC - 1253

PREDICTED FINISH RECAP

14. BI
13. unB
12. Snatty
11. Guapo
10. VR
9. Mship
8. BB
7. Flash
6. PMF
5. DLBP
4. ERDR
3. FC
2. LU
1. LM

Prove me wrong, motherfuckers.

Tommy's Thoughts #11

2008-06-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

"No Thoughts yet this week!" "When is Tommy posting his next column?"

The league has spoken, and two things are clear: you love the Thoughts, and you are way too demanding. That's cool, I have a super special weekend edition of the Thoughts coming straight atcha.

We begin with a tale from the road.

When my players are in trouble, I never hesitate to log some miles to give them a pep talk (or alternatively, tell them how shite they are before I summarily fire them). Last week, I decided to make an outing to Shea Stadium for the Sunday day game with multiple aims in mind. First, I needed to bolster the sanity of troubled outfielder Milton Bradley. Second, I had to make sure John Maine strengthened my position in K/BB, a critical cat in my duel with Bonomatory. And third, I had to do something about the Mets - their quagmire was killing the baseball spirit of too many GMs in our fair league, and action was necessary to save the summer.

I called LM owner Dick Beatonian and asked him if he was available to make a trip to NYC. "Fuck yeah," he said, and I grinned widely. I love having him along on road trips because he always pays for everything. Other than that, he's pretty much useless.

I then placed another call to Tuscon, Arizona. "Christopher Trotman Nixon, please - this is Tommy Lasorda on the line." I told the Midwestern-accented receptionist for the Sidewinders. Soon I heard a familiar North Carolinian voice on the other end. "Hey Tommy, I knew Jesus had big plans in store for me. I'll be thrilled to man the outfield for LM."

"Ha!" I involuntarily chortled. "Uh, actually, Trot, I have another plan in mind," I said. "Meet me at South Station in Boston on Saturday morning."

The appointed day and hour arrived and Amtrak whisked the three of us off to New York. I spent the day Saturday steadily drinking. Trot went to Times Square to get mementos for his kids. Beatonian managed to drag me along to the Museum of Modern Art (I brought a flask) but after I took one look at this painting called "The Menaced Assassin," I was scared shitless and had to repair to a house of ill repute to recover my senses. What the fuck is going on in that painting? Why do none of those guys have any expression on their faces? Aaaahhh! It should be renamed "Template for All My Future Nightmares." Eff you, Magritte.

The next day, we headed down to Shea a few hours before the game started. The first order of business led me and Trot to Omar Minaya's office. However, as we made our way to the inner sanctum, we found the way blocked by Mets first base coach Tom Nieto. "Get out of here, Tommy, you are nothing but trouble," said Nieto, sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. "That's right!!" I screamed "and now you pissed me off, Nieto!" He stood his ground and said, "What the hell is Trot Nixon doing here, stop meddling with our team Tommy!" "You think I'm going to let a guy who had a negative-54 OPS+ in 1988 tell me what to do?? Eat shit Nieto!!"

I shoved past him, dragging Trot behind me, and burst into Minaya's office to discover he was recieving head from Tony Bernazard. Although Trot screamed "Sodomites!!" and ran from the room, I was unfazed. "Listen up, I got a new right fielder for you." "Sorry, we only sign Latinos," said Bernazard as Omar pulled his pants up. "Fuck you, asshole," I said, "Trot Nixon gives you a solid bat, hustle and a quality clubhouse presence, and his whiteness will take some of the pressure off the four or five guys who are willing to talk to the press in English."

"Whatever," said Omar, clearly desirous of getting me out of his office so he could get back to it.

"I'm going to have you shake up your coaching staff too," I said, letting myself out, "But I'll get back to you on that."

Trot, having recovered from the shock of witnessing gaietude, headed down to the clubhouse to prepare for his Mets debut. I went over to the Rangers clubhouse to talk to Milton Bradley. He hadn't been right since he flipped out when he heard a Kansas City broadcaster talking shit. The stories I was hearing - an aborted attempt to charge the broadcast booth, pacing around the locker room while openly weeping and saying "I'm strong but I'm not that strong!" - called for immediate intervention.

When I found Milton he looked like a broken man, sitting front of his locker reading "The Notebook" with tears streaming down his face. I grabbed the book and hurled it across the room. "This is some bullshit!" I cried.

"B-but Tommy," Milton sobbed, "I just can't get a break. I'm just trying to play the game to make some money for my son."

"Stop talking like a bitch," I said. "What the hell happened to you? Get angry, Milton, get angry. What that KC douche said was effing nonsense. Why on earth are we all of a sudden nominating Josh Hamilton for sainthood?! He was a crack fiend - all you did was occasionally get pissed off. How is that comparable?!?! Plus it is just me, or it is a little early to crown this guy as a role model? Last I checked he still has a baby sitter around to make sure he doesn't relapse...like all it takes is one moment alone and he'll hit the pipe again! You might have a hair trigger, but at least it's related to your competitive fire, not your love of ghetto drugs!"

"Yeah, good point..." said Milton, wiping tears away.

"As far as I'm concerned, that KC asshole deserved to get thrashed. If it was me that met you in the hallway instead of the Texas GM, I'd have patted you on the ass and told you to go get 'im! Why the hell should you be criticized for keeping your head down and playing fantastic ball? You have to go around apologizing to all America for having some spirit and wanting to win? Seems to me the only reason why he praised Hamilton and slammed you is that one of you is black and one of you is white!"

"That's goddamned right!" shouted Milton, jumping from his seat. "White devils ALWAYS fucking with me!"

"Just like that umpire who baited you when you were on the Pads..."

"Motherfuckers!! I'll kill em all!!" screamed Milton.

My work was done.

I took my seats with Beatonian and we watched the game. I called Maine over for a brief chat. "Yo Johnny," I said, "Throw strikes or I'll peel your cap."

"Got it," he said. We understand each other like that.

Maine-iac on the mound

The game went well for LM. Maine got touched for some runs, but that was more the fault of terrible infield defense. Obviously Nieto was responsible for that. Johnny pounded the strike zone like he pounds skanks who mistake him for Eric Mabius.

The worthless Nieto

By the time he was pulled for a reliever, he'd tallied 5 K's against no beebs (including a nice swinging whiff of that crackhead Hamilton). That's when the trouble began for the Mets, as the bullpen coughed up several runs. Looking around in disgust, I quickly ascertained where the troubles lay.

"Look at Willie," I said to Beatonian. "He's just sitting there doing nothing. You know who I like? That Jerry Manuel. He straddles the dugout fence like a champ."

Manuel straddles

As hapless Rick Peterson went through reliever after reliever, Milton locked in and hit a blast to left. Beatonian and I cheered a great hurrah and were soon pelted by popcorn and peanuts from Mets fans who weren't going to allow that. I respect it. We sat down. The Mets were way behind.

Mets fans cheer when Beatonian finally sits down

However, they rallied in the 8th for three runs, led by who else - Trot Nixon, who scored the third run of the inning. Into the ninth and all seemed lost as CJ Wilson came out to close it out. I felt otherwise. "This guy smells," I told Beatonian. "DLBP only beat us 'cause he benched him." Another barrage of Met walks and hits began. Nixon came up and reached base again, coming around to 2nd representing the tying run. Then Damion Easley flew out to left, ending the game. Wah wah.

Trot: Reporting for duty

I headed back to LM headquarters to oversee the close of our efforts against Bonomatory, but before I left I wrote a strongly worded memo to Omar urging him to dump Willie, Peterson and that fuck Nieto and put Manuel in charge. I'll leave it up to you to decide how much influence my words wielded. Hint: a lot.

LAST WEEK'S GAME

While it's true that Bonoma blew up half his roster in disgust after this matchup concluded, as LM narrowed a strong 5-point deficit to one point thanks to the roll-out-your-pitchers-with-confidence philosophy cribbed from PMF, you have to respect the job Bonomatory Influence did in this contest. He laid down 2 CGs but still got left with only a tie in that category! It was a miracle that this wasn't a total rout!

Here are the heroes in Bonomatory's upset win over LM:

(1) JD Drew. What did I tell you fools? 9 runs, 7 hits, 3 doubles, 1 triple, 3 dongs, 6 RBI, .350/1.550 - that sweet swing had to start connecting sometime. Don't look up how much he is getting paid in LOWV, you will want to cry. While his MLB contract is still absurd, his LOWV deal is a tasty bargain. Just more proof that we are 1000x better GMs than anyone working in the bigs.

(2) Carlos Lee. OK, I didn't see this coming, despite his pedigree. 5 runs, 9 hits, 4 doubles, 2 dongs, 5 RBI, 1 swiped bag, .429/1.405 - need I say more?

(3) Braden Frigging Looper? Throws a CG SO at Great American Ballpark? Did this really happen or was it just a Magritte-inspired nightmare?

(4) Ryan Dempster - I still have a hard time buying this guy as a legit stud starter, but there is no arguing with his genius 11-K CG with no beebs and a .44 WHIP! A two run dong was basically an aberration. No shame in the occasional HR when you are going after hitters like that.

Here are the dogs that allowed a top-ranked team to choke against the spelunker of the lowest cavern:

(1) The outfield. Other than Milton's dong, which I had to personally show up to inspire from him, these guys were crap. Victorino stole nary a bag. Crawford sat out the weekend with a suspension. Wells was weak. Juan Pierre was weaker - .455 OPS sucks even for his limp noodle of a bat!

(2) Jose Contreras - should I really be surprised at how bad his numbers were? And here I thought he'd reinvented himself. Also, due to woeful run support, he got tagged with two losses.

(3) Chipper - I hate to say it, since he's kicked so much ass for us this year, but he stunk this week.

(4) Okajima - every good reliever has his bad weeks, but this was a smelly one indeed.

WEEK 12 RECAP

Another competitive week in the LOWV. The headline was definitely Bonoma's defeat of LM, and one could argue that our contest was the Game of the Week. I'm going to go instead with FC vs. BB, a very tight 10-8 victory for the defecating ones. The vaunted FC offense fell a bit short this week, with Encarnacion and Aub Huff pacing the Belt to a satisfying 6-5 edge in hitting cats. But FC's record 88 whiffs and 2.39/1.09/4.00 pitching mastery led him to the win this week. True, he slid to 3rd in the overall standings, but this was a key victory for Nachtmarz et al. The Jaybird's in a slump, so some of his fellow honkies will have to step it up. Or perhaps the team could get even whiter. Introducing...Jeff Clement!

BB's offense is in a groove, and CC Sabathia couldn't be nastier on the mound. Don't look now, but here comes Schmentz. He contacted this week to tell me to "suck on a lemon" for my comments about his female-inspired move to Spain, and assured me that the Belt was not going to let up in 2008. Although he's fourteen and a half games out of the last playoff spot at the moment, we should all be warily eying his squadron as they begin to creep up the standings.

Just as PMF announced his desire to "bed down" on the playoff bubble, he was attacked in his sleep by Vicious Rumors and slaughtered to the tune of 13-6. It's just like the league's only GM of Injun descent (my blood purity advisors tell me he is part Mi'kmaq) to brutalize a GM in the dark of night at his undefended settlement. Vladimir Guerrero (7 runs, 11 hits, 2 HR, .500/1.385) was spotted waving a bloody scalp on a flight back to LA after the assault. The element of surprise doesn't explain everything though. If you'd told me going into this week that one of these teams would see its pitching staff go 7-1 with 63 whiffs and 2.33/1.04/3.50 peripherals, I'd have said "Damn, poor VR."

Flash vs. Mothership - an unexpected smackdown for the lords of Brooklyn. Afterwards, Mike Jones was spotted singing TLC to himself, but if we're going with 90s hip hop hits, I'd have chosen Sisqo; he won with the help of that Thome-tha-Thome-Thome-Thome (.444/1.434). Frankly, though, this was a team effort, as many of the counting stats proved the difference for the Ship this week. However, Flash's offense has stabilized and become a lot more consistent, despite a rash of unfortunate injuries. This is one of the few teams that can lose a player of Albert Pujols' stature and remain in the mix. As for Travis Hafner, it might be time to put an end to Project Donkey. Just put him down already.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. A veteran of many Protestant faiths, Major Beans must have heard that one before. Surely, then, he was unsurprised when former roommate Chip Mitchell blasted his squad just as he recently blasted FC out of the top spot. Thanks to P the B and the young uns (Mrs. Tony Parker, Jupton), and pitching stats just mediocre enough to win the categories, unBeleaguerable won this one going away, 14-3. This is the kind of result that the teams positioned for the playoffs LOVE to see: a 13th place team beating the shit out of a 9th place team...

A hideous game took place between two otherwise good teams when DLBP met ERdR. Forever joined by their four-letter team acronyms and the legendary Kazmir/Soriano trade, these teams had another thing in common last week, shit stats. At least this one had the benefit of being very competitive - several categories were close indeed. In the end, however, the ERdR bargain-priced outfield proved the difference, with Ben Francisco, Delmon Young and Carlos Quentin leading the way. ERDR taking down DLBP in this fashion with very little contribution from Granderson is startling. It's like he fought this one with one hand tied behind his back. Kudos to ERDR for deft use of free agency to keep his team in the conversation.

For the better part of the last two years I'd have given my left nut for Alex Rios at $3, but he blows this year at any price...

The team with no offensive bench, El Guapo, was run out of the building by Lacey Underalls. I can't understand the way Guapo runs his offense. Mark Ellis delivers 6 hits, 11 runs, 4 doubles, .440/1.081 and gets cut when the week is over. How does that happen? Did he insult your good name in some filthy Oaktown bar? But for three fewer Ks, Guapo would have lost every single offensive stat. Lacey brought his A-game, so it wasn't quite as shameful as it sounds, but still, that really shouldn't happen. Guapo's pitchers did deliver a stellar 7-1 record, so the week wasn't a complete loss. But Lacey looked good this week and moved up into 2nd with the win...last year he assumed the lead in midseason and held on to it, so we'll see if he can take command again in the next couple of weeks. Obviously I will do my best to prevent this, don't worry, guys.

WEEKEND PREVIEW

Since I was so much delayed in releasing this edition, it seems only fair to look ahead to the weekend and give you a viewer's guide to the matchups...

LM is deadlocked with the Flash in a contest that will assuredly get ugly. His pitching has been cruddy, my hitting has been cruddy. When I heard Carl Crawford hit a grand slam, I wanted to jump for joy. Then I realized he hit it off of LM teammate Carlos Marmol. Brandon Lyon and Chris Perez had a who-sucks-more contest that ended when Perez was jettisoned this morning. Flash has gone public with his disgust for Ian Snell, and indeed his pitching line sits at a shameful 7.11/1.89/1.00. Mine is not much better, though. This game will turn on who can get his team to hit over the weekend, and frankly I think it's a toss up at this point. A miracle CG SO would obviously swing the game. If Chase Utley isn't going to get a hit this week, the least he can do is give Cole Hamels the evil eye.

The marquee FC vs. LU matchup is playing out just as you'd expect - Clatter with the edge in hitting, Lacey with the edge in pitching. Matt Cain and Todd Lilly hope to turn the tide for FC, while Miggy Cabrera hopes to jack a few dongs...in San Diego...okay that's not happening. Live by the Petco, die by the Petco. Edinson Volquez vs. the Yankees will be an interesting matchup tonight. If the Bombers can run their winning streak to 8 with a dongfest, this matchup could get even closer than it is. I like FC's chances to narrow the gap a bit...although obviously this would serve my interests, so you can take my analysis with a grain of salt.

Pitching for Detroit tonight: Eddie Bonine. Man, I hope this is pronounced Boh-nine. Like somebody used a laboratory to combine the DNA of Jeff Conine and the essence of boning. I'm looking at you, Snatty.

DLBP/PMF is another unbalanced contest, with the West Coasters dominating on offense and the East Coasters back in their usual pitching groove. However, DLBP needs to make sure he hangs onto his offensive edge, as many PMFers have been decidedly underperforming so far this week and the team is still within striking distance. DLBP hung tough without Jimmy Rollins, but he is much more formidable with his SS back in the fold. J-Roll began the week by blasting Bart Colon's 2nd pitch into the seats and hasn't stopped from there. As for PMF's pitching edge, he's assembled a nice lead but he needs the usual magic from Harden, Halladay and Bedard to nail it down. Sounds feasible...

unB demonstrated his knowledge of "Balencian" accents although I'm not sure I welcome his implication that living there will make BB effeminate. I am now realizing, however, that BB needs to work a trade with Snatty for prospect Wladimir Balentien for this very purpose - Balentien in Balencia. BB's offense continues to crank everything, but his staff has to throw 17 innings in three days on only three starts to make the minimum. Better hope Ubald and Bburn bring their best stuff. unB's lowest-paid pitchers, Guthrie and Floyd, looked good this week, and he's about to go over the minimum with some nice pitching numbers. Hit some dongs and keep K's down and unB could steal this one.

The Bostonians-Gone-West matchup of the week is BI vs. VR, a currently close contest that is almost impossible to call due to the underachieving nature of these teams. Bartolo Colon was absolutely murdered by Ryan Howard this week - just when it looked like my weeks of VR-abuse were going to blow up in my face, the trusty Howard made me look like a genius. Love that guy. BI's thorough house-cleaning seems to have resulted in a rejuvenated team, but he's falling just short in many categories. Can a team that's become known for its weekend fades turn things around this time?

Check out Mothership's pitching numbers through 32 and a third innings: 2-0, 1 HR, 32 Ks, 1.11/1.11/2.91. Pretty dank. Joba is looking better and better with each start, but don't forget about guys like Andrew Miller and tonight's Dodger starter Clayton Kershaw. Pretty awesome young staff, although the Ship has to be disappointed in the suckage that is Nick Adenhart (optioned back to the Junior League). Guapo has gotten a typically nice contribution from A-Rod, and the hitting numbers that were fruitless against Lacey are good enough to take several cats from the Ship. I think this one is going to be damned close, but Ship has got to get some dingers if he wants a victory.

Finally, we have the Muumuu Match (that's how it's actually spelled, you retards, unless you want to get all Hawaiian and start sticking a bunch of apostrophes in there) between Snatty and ERDR. I thought my stats so far this week were bad until I looked at Equipe's numbers through this morning. They are D. L. Uuuuuugly. .197 BA, .655 OPS, 8.31 ERA?! That's not the Equipe I know. Maybe it's time to put Jacoby and Grandy back in the starting lineup. Snatty should have a giant "Powered by Ervin Santana" sticker on him at all times - but his hurlers are all rolling out tonight and his lead will depend on good performances across the board. If this score is still a strong Snatty advantage tomorrow morning, Equipe should start planning for Week 13 already.

Also - I expect you guys to honor your muumuu challenge.

NEXT WEEK

Tommy's Thoughts returns to its normal form, with the latest rumors from around the league, dark farm nuggets, penises and geniuses, etc. etc.

Tommy's Thoughts #10

2008-06-11T15:30:00.000-07:00

The wise and rotund Mama Jams has oft cautioned me to ignore all fantasy prognosticators, and to rely instead on my wits and the cold realities of the data. Something happened this past week that didn't just strengthen Mama's case; it also proved that Derrek Lee is a puss.

On May 9th, Vernon Wells went down with a fractured wrist sustained while making a diving catch. Immediately, the bells of fantasy doom began tolling. Conventional wisdom apparently holds that it takes YEARS to come back from a wrist injury, because Derrek Lee is still using it as an excuse two years after he hurt his.

One retard opined, "Once [Wells] returns, it will take him awhile to regain his hitting eye. Wells will not produce much power once he returns, either. Hitters who suffer wrist injuries similar to Wells' usually do not regain all their power for at least a year after the injury. You can use Derrek Lee's recovery from a similar injury as a benchmark."

Another fat loser wrote, "try and sell on Wells while you can get value for him. He’s not going to be the same Vernon Wells at the plate when he returns from a serious wrist injury. Ask Derrek Lee."

And this skank wrote that Wells was out for up to two months, and "As is often the case with these wrist injuries, there is likely to be extra time tacked on to allow the athlete to get the normal range of motion necessary to grip the bat and the strength to swing effectively."

It wasn't just fantasy dorks making these claims. FC principal (and Lee owner) C. Dave Sahl made similar comments on Shortpants recently with regard to wrist injury recovery time. Maybe that's not the best example of a non-fantasy-dork, but my point is, this injury was widely held to be Derrek Lee's Wrist II: The Quest For The Four-Year Rehab.

All the while, Wells' rehab proceeded smoothly. As the principal victims of the 2006 Derrek Lee injury, we of LM management were inclined to believe the so-called experts, but Vern was looking pretty good in his recovery, and didn't have any of the annoying setbacks that characterized Lee's rehab, including the only known case of "PTSD of the wrist" in medical history...

On Saturday, Wells was activated by the Blue Jays, less than a month after his injury. Sure, he was back, but his bat would be as limp as a wet noodle, right?

Saturday: 2 for 3, double, RBI
Sunday: 3 for 4, 2R, HR
Monday: 0 for 5 (game-tying RBI single later changed to an error by crooked official scorer)
Tuesday: 2 for 4, HR

Just in time to cover Carl Crawford's suspension for excessive pugilism...welcome back, Vernon.

Fantasy experts - smell me!

LAST WEEK'S GAME

Don't know how my fellow Northeastern GMs rode out the brutal heat wave last weekend, but my only clear memory is stalking around my living room half nude in the 100 degree heat, pouring down Harpoon UFOs like they were the essence of life itself, and screaming at Erik Bedard to cough up runs against the Red Sox.

It was a hard-fought game against the valiant gladiators of PMF. They shocked us initially by taking huge leads in runs and hits, our foremost domain, while our pitching staff floundered horribly. But as the week went on, the matchup grew tighter and tighter. LM got some serious hitting going on, while PMF hurlers like Jonathan Sanchez (kept from a likely CG SO by a six-run seventh inning in his support) cranked up the K's and wins. By Sunday morning, it was a 10-9 squeaker with PMF barely in front. That's when GM Bobby Walls did a very daring thing.

Leading comfortably in wins and strikeouts, leading losses by one, way ahead in ERA and WHIP, but way behind in K/BB and tied in HR, with both teams over minimum IP, he ran three starters out there on Sunday afternoon. There is a word for this, and that word is BALLS. Basically, this amounted to risking multiple safe categories on a CG SO-seeking gamble.

From most GMs, this would be unmitigated insanity, but PMF has the arms to back it up. The starters were Halladay, Dick Hard and Bedard. Each of them was a known shutout threat. With PMF's initial leads in runs and hits crumbling by the day, this was a bold move to turn the tables on LM.

Unfortunately, it didn't work. Halladay surrendered a dong to Luke Scott that handed one point to LM. Bedard endured a brutal 40-pitch third inning in ridiculous Fenway heat (thank you Dustin Pedroia). Harden dominated the Angels, but gave up three runs in 6 innings. The collective 1-0, 21 K effort would have been glorious on a Monday; but on this Sunday it wasn't enough to save PMF.

Still, I felt compelled to pour out the last delicious gulp of my last UFO onto my quickly browning lawn - out of respect for my homie. Many years ago, before the IP minimum went to its current level, I called Rob a coward for benching starters. (His response: "I'm starting Kazmir in a fit of rage!") Last week, he showed me the true meaning of courage. Bravo PMF.

WEEK TEN RECAP

As the weekend began, it looked as if we might have upset specials across the LOWV, but many of the favored teams ended up rallying to win close contests. With one notable exception. But we’ll get to that…

The Game of the Week was the Lacey Underalls vs. the Banana Belt, not particularly because of the stat lines involved, but because both GMs were desperate for a win. The erstwhile titans of the LOWV game found themselves, at this early June date, searching for a victory that would boost their sagging momentum. Their smack talk smacked of desperation. They fought for each category, tooth and nail. And in the end, neither of them got what they really wanted – a decisive victory.

A week before, Lacey attempted to make light of the smack talk function by having chit chat with Snaturals GM Major James Beans. Now all trace of good humor was gone from the team’s dispatches, in which Mama Jams declared herself “PISSED OFF!!” and ordered her team to “Start hittin or GET LOST!” The Daniel Webster-like advocate for civility in the LOWV was suddenly beating her team like a rented mule. To some extent, they responded. With Lacey’s typically sterling pitching stats balanced by a fantastic sixteen dingers, you’d think Mama would be satisfied with the result. But the team turned in another week of poor AVG and OPS, and got waxed by BB in the offensive counting stats. Yet they held their ground elsewhere: ultimately, the key players for Lacey were the awesome Hanley Ramirez and his top-notch closers.

Schmentz tried a different tack with his roster, beseeching them boosterishly to do their part in the battle. Going into the weekend, he targeted doubles (“doubles fest tonight guys! hang em and bang em!”) and he ended up pulling out the category by one. Not all his pleas succeeded, though. My sources in the BB organization told me on Thursday that the team was concerned about their pitchers surrendering homers, particularly Ubaldo Jiminez. This concern proved to be well-founded: a dongfest ensued and BB lost the category 9 to 7. You could look at this as being the difference, as LU beat BB by 1 point, 10 to 9.

While a virtual deadlock can be a satisfying result under certain conditions, neither GM could have been thrilled with the outcome here. LU will certainly take the one-point victory over his longtime playoff nemesis, but he is still looking for the decisive win needed to get back on top of the league. BB stalemated a potent opponent, always a solid outcome, but still trails the playoff bubble by more than ten games and lost ground on sixth place for another week.

Now, the season is long and both teams have plenty of time to achieve their preseason goals. At the very least, they proved their quality by battling each other to a draw.

My personal hero this week is the aforementioned Major Beans, who ambushed and slaughtered FC in a massacre of memorable proportions. As the rout developed over the week, my sources within FC obdurately held to a brittle confidence, with comments like “I have to think we’ll rally” that betrayed his inner dismay. Nice try, Power of Positive Thinking. His offensive might never materialized, and while Snatty delivered fine hitting numbers even without his Big Papi (Johnny Damon smacked 18 hits), he didn’t really need them when matched against FC’s .236 average and appalling .642 OPS. This deficit was compounded by an utter rout in the pitching categories, with triumphant Ervin Santana leading the way to an 8-1 flush.

It was not so long ago when Chris ventured on Shortpants that if Banana Belt got beat by “Snatty Boom-Boom,” this was an omen of the champion’s destruction. You don’t have to be an ink scientist to figure out that he was saying that Snaturals sucks. Obviously, he had no clue that a 17-3 blowout was coming his way Willow Avenue Style, with a coup de grace in the form of a well-aimed homophobic jibe.

FC was unceremoniously tossed from first place and will no doubt plot his comeback immediately, as evidenced by his refusal to summit with me this weekend in favor of vague “out of town” plans, which no doubt include spreadsheets, baseball cards, lots of his favorite Talented Mr Roto Columns, and plenty of evil cackling.

James Beans jumps to 8th and now has a chance to make a run into the playoff picture…

BI got some clutch performances from some underrated players. Joe Crede and JD Drew, much-maligned, laid wood on the ball and buoyed an otherwise lackluster lineup. Crede hit .611 with 5 HR and a 2.222 OPS! Suck it, Josh Fields supporters! BI also got a CG SO from Hiroki Kuroda, who was absolutely dominant. However, despite these individual performances from BI, Mothership rolled 23 deep in this game and deployed every player he could get his hands on. Some of his stats were ugly – 52 whiffs by the hitters and a 6.63 ERA for the pitchers – but Mike Jones threw enough logs on the fire to win most of the counting stats, and triumphed thanks to the depth of his overall lineup, as evidenced by his taking of AVG and OPS. The Ship continues to demonstrate that it has improved on last season, and right now the team is hovering around .500 and the middle tier of the standings, and looking to move up.

After promising to fart in Rob’s face and then guaranteeing victory over Mike, BI has dropped both games.

The tilted score of the unB/DLBP matchup disguised a thrilling pitching battle, as two streaky staffs brought their best efforts against one another. Matching 7-1 records was only the beginning: these teams battled down to the final day for Ks, ERA and WHIP (decided in favor of DLBP, 1.32 to 1.33). However, the game got out of hand once DLBP applied offensive pressure, and in a maneuver akin to turning unB’s flank, he took virtually every offensive category and ended up trouncing the Louisiana team 12-5. In the “silver lining” file, unB got fantastic starts from young arms Jeremy Guthrie and Gavin Floyd, which may be some consolation as Phil Hughes wallows on the DL.

As I write this, a serious-voiced man on NPR is reading the spiel of the corporate sponsor over the Dean Ween guitar solo from “Bananas and Blow.”

ERdR grows more entrenched among the league’s elite with each passing week, and held ground once more with an 11-9 squeaker over VR. Along with Lacey, Equipe smacked 16 dongs, turning a once-sacred LM record into a foul three way. Equipe’s pitching was nasty, and although he received few holds last week, he seems to have successfully rebuilt his bullpen after the first edition was derailed by injuries – nice pickups include Alex Hinshaw. How did VR – begging for mercy from the jump off – manage to mitigate the damage from Neil’s team firing on all cylinders? Batting average and the hits and doubles that come along with it – led by Nick Markakis – while nabbing pitching K’s and, shockingly, stolen bases. Gary Matthews Jr. had more swipes than Jacoby Ellsbury.

After I maligned Flash’s staff in my column last week, I received a telegram that read “Eff You. Stop” from Cole Hamels. I must have read the whole Wikipedia trying to find out whether telegrams in the 21st century still require the use of “stop”, so I could determine whether Cole wanted me to stop criticizing his team, or whether he just wanted to say eff you, end of transmission. It goes without saying that the answer would determine whether Hamels was a wimp or a badass, information I would add to my compendious dossier on all LOWV talent. Before I could find an answer, I checked my StatTracker and saw he had hurled a CG SO. At that point, I abandoned my research. Although his name sounds like an American Idol contestant or a handbag line, Hamels is a badass. Meanwhile, Mauer, Uggla and Swisher managed to provide enough offense to seal the win over Guapo.

One bright spot for El Guapo was his record-tying ten saves, which trounced Flash at his own specialty and forced Stokes Esq. to share his record book entry. However, Guapo won both AVG and OPS and yet got beaten in every offensive counting stat, which is pretty damn hard to do. The only explanation is fewer at bats...

But should one really shuffle the lineup when the bench is populated by sorry Bay Area outfielders? Guapo may be right in this case.

RECORD WATCH

After ten weeks, ERdR, LU and LM now jointly hold two records: Most HR in a week (16) and fewest GIDP in a week (1). Interestingly, despite limiting his GIDP to one in week 3, ERdR is the worst GIDP offender in the league with a total of 68.

The seven-win efforts of the unB and DLBP staffs was a shared record, along with FC (week 1) and ERdR (week 6).

Although the fewest-saves and fewest-holds records have been tied by several teams (as with any record that is zero) , it's worth noting that VR recorded no saves for the 8th week, while Guapo recorded no holds for the 9th week. Clearly, these teams have decided to specialize in one at the expense of the other, a strategy that has definite merit. However, head-to-head stats indicate that while Guapo is 8-2 in saves (and tied the record last week, as previously noted), VR is 5-2-3 in holds...

Dumbest entry in the record book: although the stat for Most Wins (Single Week) records the opponent this record came against, there's a also separate entry for Most Losses (Single Week). I don't have to tell you that this will necessarily describe the exact same matchup. Is it really necessary to rub the worst shellacking in league history in someone's face like that?

Although I enjoy tracking the Strength-of-schedule numbers, they will be pretty meaningless until the end of the season. After 3 more weeks, at which point all teams will have played all other teams, the person with the "hardest schedule" will be the person with the worst record, and the person with the "easiest schedule" will be the person with the best record. How insightful...

JUNIOR LEAGUE REPORT

In their continuing quest to prove their fantasy superiority, LU and FC used the fifth round to choose prospect picks that had not yet entered pro baseball. That status has been revoked; the 2008 draft saw FC's Pedro Alvarez go 2nd to the Pirates (kiss of death) while LU's Justin Smoak went 11th to the Rangers (sound the horn for dongtime).

One prospect blog gushes about one of Pedro's fellow Bayou Chocolate Turds: "Have you been paying attention to what New Hampshire’s (Blue Jays) Travis Snider is doing? It’s pretty impressive. After playing exclusively at DH at the beginning of the season with a sore elbow, Snider has played nine of the last 10 games in the outfield, and he’s been pretty good at the plate, too. Yesterday, the 20-year-old Snider went 3-for-4 with a walk to raise his slash stats to .273/.373/.459 in 204 plate appearances. Not bad for one of the youngest players in Double-A." I think we'll soon be seeing these Turds wearing the "brown and darker brown" of FC.

The Mike Moustakas Medal for funny names chosen in the first round: Yonder Alonso; honorable mention to Lonnie Chisenhall.

Enough about them Turds. LM fifth-round pick Aaron Poreda was promoted to Double-A...this is a big deal because he's the first of our young-ass prospects to make the move. Baseball America notes that "Poreda, who last year had the highest peak velocity of any lefthander in the minors, had a 46-18 K-BB mark and a 1.52 groundout-to-air out ratio thanks to the heavy action on his fastball."

LM PENIS / GENIUS

Last week's penis: Kevin Slowey. When I signed this punk ass off the street he swore to me he'd make PMF pay. Even though it seems to me that he already did that, I took him at his word. He delivered a mediocre start during the week, so I cut him to bring back Vernon. On his last day on the roster he BEGGED me to start him. I wisely didn't. He got shelled. If baseball was all about K/BB he'd be a hall of famer. Unfortunately, it isn't.

Last week's genius: When I watched Milton Bradley get into a fight with a fan at Dodger Stadium a few years back, a shameful episode that saw him storm across the entire field, swearing at the fans and ripping his jersey off, I called him a punk and wrote him off for life. Until I needed an OF, that is. Last week he was an absolute god, ripping off 12 R, 11 H, 3 2B, 5 HR, 9 RBI, 4 SB, .478/1.908. Those are insane numbers! Genius!!

THIS WEEK'S HATED ENEMY

Oh sure, on paper this looks lopsided. The LOWV's #1 team against the LOWV's #14 team. 50 games difference in the standings. But you know what? This is gonna be a lot closer than anyone thinks, for the following reasons:

1. My pitching staff is utterly unpredictable. I don't think I can trust anyone at this point, except maybe 10-win Cliff Lee and $22 closer Joe Nathan.

2. JD Drew. David Jonathan has his stroke locked in and continues to kill every pitcher he faces. Even getting hit on the wrist by Bedard on Sunday, a fate that normally sidelines him for a month plus, led to a run - and he didn't miss a single at bat and continued his torrid hitting the next day. I fear him in this condition.

3. Week 10, Snaturals v. FC. All the proof you need that head-to-head is a many-teated bitch.

4. No victory guarantee. Bravado has been BI's worst enemy. Will silence be his boon companion?

5. John Lannan almost ruined our season last year by breaking Chase Utley's hand...and there he is on the BI roster.

6. Adrian Beltre's yacht.

Needless to say, for all these reasons and more, I am taking my opponent very seriously. If LM blows this golden opportunity to entrench, there will be hell to pay!

ENDQUOTE

"I defend everything our guys did. I feel proud of the way we handled the situation."

Tampa Bay manager Joe Maddon, boasting about his thuggish team. He later praised his son for kicking the shit out of the kid who cut him in line at the middle school cafeteria, and gave his daughter an iPhone for bitchslapping a romantic rival at the mall. Good for you Joe.

Buyers and Sellers

2008-06-11T11:19:00.000-07:00

As we wind our way towards the midway point of the 2008 LOWV season, it is time to look to potential trades that could shake things up down the stretch. While we can’t claim to be privy to any particular rumors or information regarding pending negotiations, the list below is our best guess at what is probably available for the right price and package.

As you can see, we’ve organized the list into Sellers and Buyers based on the current standings. The Sellers represent the bottom seven teams who may well be shifting their thinking towards 2009 and moving some of their expiring, veteran contracts. Here, we've listed those teams' most enticing assets.

For the most part, we stuck to contracts that will expire by 2009 and whose current salary is arguably above their current production. Our feeling is it is these players represent those most likely to be moved by those owners with an eye towards trading big-money aging vets for the more affordable stars of the future.

As for the Buyers, they represent the likely playoff teams, or the current top seven teams in the LOWV. These teams are presumably gearing up for a championship push and should be looking to add increased depth to their squads in order to achieve it. Thus, they will likely be selling off some of their less tested, but deliciously cheap rookies in favor of some battle-tested playoff rentals.

So, the players we've chosen from their rosters include the cheapest players with the most potential. Now, we haven't included anyone who has already made "The Leap" or who is priced too high to be a legit trading piece, only those young players priced well enough to perk interest in teams looking to rebuild. We won't comment on any of those players in particular, as their values tend to be speculative, sentimental and uncertain. Besides we've merely chosen a sampling of young players, priced to move if the buying team should seek to acquire veterans down the stretch.

Obviously, this is all conjecture, and hell the buyers and sellers could flip places many times over the course of the rest of the season, but nonetheless, we hope it inspires some meetings of the mind and at least one or two deals by the trading deadline.

THE POTENTIAL SELLERS

BONOMATORY INFLUENCE

1. Magglio Ordonez $11 (2008) - Putting up solid numbers and at a good price.
2. Placido Polanco $13 (2008) - Second basemen hitting .300 are in short supply.
3. Carlos Lee $21 (2009) - Got a hell of a pop, if a bit of a low BA.

UNBELEAGUERABLE
1. Todd Helton $11 (2008) - May not have much pop left, but still hits at a .300 clip.
2. Hideki Matsui $13 (2009) - A little more pop and a hitting close to .330.

VICIOUS RUMORS
1. Vlad Guerrero $30 (2008) - Bashing in RBIs, but free-swinging and missing a lot.
2. Robinson Cano $14 (2009) - Still plenty of time to turnaround a disappointing 2008.
3. Aaron Harang $9 (2009) - Despite less than stellar Ws, still has intriguing periphs.

EL GUAPO
1. Brad Lidge $10 (2008) - Has looked unhittable, recording 17 saves and sub-1 ERA.
2. Chone Figgins $22 (2008) - Scheduled to return soon from sore hammy.
3. Garrett Atkins $11 (2008) - Always has been a second half hitter.

THE BANANA BELT
1. Ichiro Suzuki $24 (2009) - Long time face of tBB, but may be time for change.

THE MOTHERSHIP
1. Trevor Hoffman $11 (2008) - Atrocious ERA, but still getting the saves.
2. Paul Konerko $12 (2008) - Horrible BA, but still getting the RBIs and some HRs.
3. Michael Young $22 (2008) - Good pop in 2008, will get more in late Texas summer.
4. Andy Pettitte $8 (2008) - Solid vet starter will get more wins down the stretch.
5. Brian Roberts $12 (2009) - Has a ton of cheaper, equivalent talent at 2B.

SNATURALS
1. Adam Dunn $16 (2008) - Boom and bust, either HRs or Ks on every AB.
2. Torii Hunter $10 (2008) - Decent stats across board, good for the money.
3. Derek Jeter $22 (2008) - BA and power down, but can't quantify clubhouse presence.
4. David Ortiz $24 (2008) - Can't see Snatty move Papi, but could be a big chip.

THE POTENTIAL BUYERS

POOR MAN’S FART
1. Chris Young $9
2. Ryan Garko $3
3. Andy LaRoche $2
4. James Loney $3

D’LUCIOUS BITCH PIES
1. Rick Ankiel $4
2. Michael Cuddyer $3
3. J.R. Towles $9

EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU
1. Clay Buccholz $9
2. Delmon Young $3
3. Carlos Quentin $3

THE FLASH
1. Jarrod Saltalamacchia $3
2. Joey Votto $3
3. Cole Hamels $3

THE LACEY UNDERALLS
1. Matt Kemp $3
2. Chad Billingsley $1
3. Edison Volquez $1

FECAL CLATTER
1. Connor Jackson $3
2. Stephen Drew $3
3. Corey Hart $3

LASORDA'S MANICOTTI
1. Adam LaRoche $3
2. Kevin Slowey $3
3. John Maine $3
4. Dustin McGowan $3

Tommy's Thoughts #9

2008-06-04T07:56:00.000-07:00

One of my daily pastimes is reviewing all the new smack talk around the LOWV. Bulletin board posts, blog entries, faux-broadsides, radio rants and brutal emails are all appreciated, but there is something about the smack window on the matchup page that can bring the best material out of a competitor. Whether it's the speech bubble the makes it look as if one's avatar is issuing forth the trash, or the strict character limitation that requires the author to make his case both cleverly and concisely, the nature of the Yahoo-sanctioned smack feature always makes for quality entertainment.

Some GMs are known for their weekly or even daily doses of shit talk, and some have even developed their own signature styles, like FC's capitalization of every word, or VR's near-suicidal pleas for mercy. Others are more reluctant - Flash and Guapo may leave smack up for weeks on end, while it's a rare and joyous event when PMF graces us with shit talk; and when he does it's always hilarious. (I still think "Bomar sucks my nunghole" is the best smack of all time.)

That's why one of my main objectives this week was to lure Bobby out of his batcave with specially tailored song lyrics that I knew would tickle his fancy. I considered several options for my parodic sculpting - "Come a Little Bit Closer" by Jay and the Americans might have yielded lyrics about how PMF's hitters belong to our man Jose (Contreras); the Coasters' "Along Came Jones" would have detailed a series of Wile E. Coyote-style threats unto PMF, including sawing him in half, blowing him all to bits, and tying him to the railroad track; while a more contemporary selection like Wu-Tang's "The Mystery of Chessboxin'" would have led me to compare my team to "an eighteen wheeler with a drunk driver drivin," and furthermore I would have assured Rob that "there's no survivin" a matchup with LM. Any of these choices might have inspired the reticent one to respond; but events forced a different route.

Brad Penny has straight-up sucked this year, and while I spent some time believing he would turn it around, with April and May gone, the record shows the odds of a bounce back were slim. Penny's never been a second-half guy, and in fact has only realized his huge potential in a couple of full seasons, including last year. Given that he was my highest-paid SP and had sunk to lower esteem than any of his peers - even minors-bound you-know-who - it was time to cut ties. The fact that this gave me the excuse to quote a 1919 37th St. classic, STP's "Pretty Penny," was the icing on the cake. And when I saw "Gomes. When you wake in the morning, Gomes," I knew I had made the right move.

Another piece of smack caught my eye this week - Mike Jones stating that "If BI was a character on the Wire, he would be Dukie." As hilarious as that comment is, I have to disagree. If BI was a character on the Wire, he would be Frank Sobotka: a garrulous, good-hearted man, the leader of a run-down union of soon-to-be-homeless has-beens who have no chance in the world against the forces arrayed against them. Every week that BI faces a good team, he's like Sobotka driving out to the meet with the Greeks under the bridge...

As for the rest of the league:
BB would be Omar.
DLBP would be McNulty.
El Guapo would be Rawls.
ERdR would be Prop Joe.
FC would be Daniels.
The Flash would be the Greek.
LU would be Stringer.
Mothership would be Bunk.
PMF would be Bodie.
Snatty would be Prezbo.
UnB would be Herc.
VR would be Scott Templeton.

Here at LM, our obsession with the Wire surpasses pretty much everything. We model our strategy after some of our heroes from the show. In many ways, our team is like Marlo. Not a factor in the early seasons, the man with the street name of Black quickly rose to power midway through the show with his ruthless dealings and focus on offensive might. However, Marlo's quiet, brooding persona hardly fits our style - and in some ways we're more like Avon - hot tempered, territorial, and sometimes we get too combative for our own good.

Needless to say, whichever comparison is more fitting on a given day, we know how to move a package around here. We're going to call our new product "Maple Bats!"

LAST WEEK'S GAME

Although LM had a commanding 16-1 lead on Saturday morning, I knew better than to count them chickens. I was entertaining my esteemed comrade Major Beans at LM's seaside headquarters, and as we breakfasted on Dunkin Donuts coffee and egg sandwiches, I said to him, "Webb starts tonight. Every time I face Equipe, Webb throws a CG SO on the weekend." Well what do you know, it happened again. Not only that, but Equipe's hitters put on their Sunday best and after a furious rally, they managed to close to a respectable 12-9 by the end of the game. This comeback preserved the dignity of Neil's team and allowed FC to extend his first-place lead, but our streak of impressive results continues nonetheless.

Being the classy guy that I am, I set out for Equipe's new Brooklyn headquarters for a conciliatory meeting with Daniel Plainview. I wanted to tell him I admired his team's fight, and hopefully he would have a few words to say about LM's fine performance as well. Not so much. From the moment I entered Plainview's office - a creepy lair, with all the shades drawn like the general manager's office in "The Natural," and a terrifying Hieronymus Bosch oil painting above the fireplace - he laid into me with claims of glory and defiant attacks against my past Thoughts.

"What a comeback!" he cried, the second I walked in the door. I tried to point out that a comeback generally means you closed a lead, as opposed to narrowing it, but he wasn't listening to me. "You must have been nervous when I dropped 6 homers yesterday! Every starting player donged pretty much! Furious assault!" I told him I was at the beach all day, instead of hunkered down before a monitor. "It was spirited!" he assured me. "With the injuries I was happy with the outcome. My pen was shredded! My starters wobbly! I had to make some decisions, cut some young bats to reload the pen!"

His glee was transcendent, but his visage darkened as I noted that these excuses hardly added to the glory of his rally. Bad move. He whirled on me, jabbing an accusatory finger in my chest. "Chase Headley has been on Equipe since Week 1, by the way. I got unnecessary flak for that." Sensing his fury, I admitted that Headley might not be the best example, but the fact is that he put a prospect of only moderate renown on his trade block, as if someone was going to give up a viable player to acquire a guy who was blocked by Kevin Kouzmanoff. He glowered at me.

To calm him down, I said something nice about Jorge Campillo, and like a summer rain shower Plainview's anger had passed and he went back to glorifying Equipe's Week 9 performance. "Can you believe Jacoby? He is shattering my expectations on SBs. He is dropping 4-6 a week!"

Sensing that this declamation was not going to end anytime soon, I quietly let myself out. I could hear him yelling about the glory of Mark Teixiera as I walked away down the hall.

As it happened, I ran into New York Senator Hillary Clinton on the sidewalk outside. As she eagerly glad-handed me, I swallowed my loathing long enough to tell her I'd just listened to the least gracious concession speech in history. "Fuck that, I'll top it! I'm a fighter!!" she said.

And indeed she did.

WEEK 9 RECAP

A bunch of records were set last week. Some of them were admirable, some of them were abominable.

LM broke the single-week record for runs by tallying 52; Guapo hit his innings minimum with 0 losses; FC's pitching staff racked up 78 Ks; and PMF's hurlers accomplished staggering results, setting records with a 0.84 WHIP and 6.67 K/BB. The previous record in K/BB was 4 - I know because LM held it - and PMF crushed it.

On the flip side, there were several "worst" records set as well. In addition to the usual 0 CG/SO/SV/HLD tallies, BI set a new low for doubles with 6 and his staff coughed up 14 HR, VR had a downright embarrassing 12 RBI, Flash racked up TWO futility records with a 0-8 pitching record, and Snatty's pitchers managed a record-high 6.91 ERA. (They were going for 7 but couldn't quite make it.)

The Game of the Week was a tough call. I'm going with FC vs. DLBP because this had a lot of influence on the top of the standings. This matchup featured two solid pitching staffs trying their damnedest to best one another. The combined line of winning stats from the pitching cats was as follows: 6-3, 2 SV, 7 HR, 78K, 4 HLD, 2.47/1.25/3.39. I am not really sure if that means anything, but when all was said and done each team took away 4 points from the pitching cats with a few cats tied. That left the outcome of the match up to hitting, and from there it was no contest. FC continues to mash, sparked by gloriously caucasian super-prospect Jay Bruce, who had a monumental 8R, 10H, 2 2B, 2 HR, 4 RBI, 1 SB, .526, 1.572 in his first week in the majors. Once again the Clatter catches the rest of the league with our pants down in the auction.

Meanwhile, though he does OK in the counting cats at the left of the row, DLBP continues to suffer from a profound power outage on offense. Consequently, this turned into a thumping by the league leader and is leading a lot of league sources to question DLBP's mettle after back to back thrashings. Was the impressive defeat of LM a fluke - or is this squad playing possum?

Narrowly missing GotW status was the mid-level bloodbath between BB and Guapo. Again, there were really impressive stats from both pitching staffs, but by picking up zero holds and zero saves, BB ended up getting thumped in the pitching cats. However, an offensive assault from the Belt allowed him to take every category except K's, which qualifies as a thorough ass-kicking. Accordingly, he pulled it out by a point. These two teams are capable of making some noise, and sitting between 30 and 35 games out, still have plenty of time to make a move. However, unless they start beating down their weaker opponents, that deficit is only going to grow.

unB handed a sound thrashing to VR, keyed by solid offensive performance and less-mediocre pitching, though hardly any overwhelming advantages. How does an offense featuring Kevin Youkilis, Ryan Braun and Nick Markakis put up such consistently bad averages? Because there's a lot of dead weight in the lineup. VR has also been plagued by maddeningly inconsistent pitching, but given the solid names in his rotation, it's hard to fault him overmuch there. As for unB, my sources tell me that despite his weak position in the standings, GMs shouldn't get any ideas about sniffing around his young studs in exchange for immediate help. One recent trade offer was declined because the young player in question is considered "part of the Future" and "can't be dealt." Will this BB-like refusal to even consider trading certain players lead to a similar dynasty for unB? One wonders.

In the category of hard-luck loss is Mothership's Week 9 experience, when he put up sweet numbers across the board but ended up losing 10-8 after PMF set the aforementioned pitching records. Lurkman shows no signs of slowing, and the PMF staff is the finest in the league when healthy. PMF has moved into a tie for 5th and continues his campaign to avenge the defeats from last season.

BI vs. Flash was UGLY. Not only were the offensive stats pretty stinky, but these were the winning combined stats in the pitching categories: 4W, 6L (no, that is not a misprint), 3 SV, 7 HR, 42K, 0H, 5.68 ERA / 1.59 WHIP / 1.65 K per BB. Flash's offensive firepower has no consistency, as each member of his lineup seems to take the George W. Bush approach to the Iraqi Army when considering his fellow sluggers - "as they stand up, I will stand down." Standing up last week - Rolen, Age Gonzalez, and Pujols; standing down, Uggla, Tejada, and Mauer. And that 0-8 record....eeewww. I have a hard time seeing this team in the playoffs without something getting shaken up between now and then.

Lacey Underalls lost AGAIN, this time to Snatty. This score shifted back and forth across a 6-point spectrum throughout the weekend but ended with Lacey on the low end of the teeter-totter. Despite the string of weak scores, Lacey is actually playing pretty well, and it's a testament to his team that nobody has been able to exploit their advantages into a full-on rout. That said, this team now has 4 losses on the season and has yielded the title of putative favorite to FC. As for Snatty...the Big Papi injury is a dagger to the balls.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

When LM allows his girlfriend to leave the country, he at least sends her to a pitching-rich nation like Japan. Conversely, the Banana Belt takes up with a lady living in a nation that, while great and glorious, is not known for its MLB prospects: Espana. He goes to visit her and manages to miss his IP minimum. Now the bombshell - BB is temporarily relocating his headquarters to Valencia, Spain. In the annals of following the feline, this beats all.

Of course, I'm overjoyed at this news, both for Ricky's happiness and because he is hearkening to the very motherland of LM owner Dick Beatonian. Any cosmopolitan queer can move to Barcelona, but Schmentz decided to keep it real and move to the home of one of the ultimate badasses in world history, El Cid.

Still, it begs the question: will this trans-Atlantic quest carry Rick away from his dominance of the LOWV, or harden him into an even more ruthless and cunning conquistador? Like FC, who recently stammered on Shortpants when asked if BB was finished, I am far from ready to declare that either possibility is for certain.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

Last week's penis: Chien-Ming Wang pitched ATROCIOUSLY last week. Still, considering Joba's start last night, CMW's position as ace of the NYY appears to be secure...which can't make any fans of the NYY very happy, can it?

Last week's genius: When Jacoby Ellsbury is swiping a bag every five seconds, you need a top-class speedster to take SBs while facing ERdR. Shane Victorino answered the call admirably last week, tallying 12 R, 10 H, 3 2B, 4 SB, .435/1.101 - and we edged Equipe in stolen bases by one. Anytime somebody has double-digit hits and even more runs than hits, you know they are a scoring machine. Mahalo, my homey.

JUNIOR LEAGUE REPORT

One GM slipped me a not-so-flattering link about DLBP prospect Jose Tabata. The article is headlined "Thunder RF Tabata disciplined again," which is a really bad sign right there. Again??

TRENTON - Thunder right fielder Jose Tabata was yanked from tonight's game against visiting New Hampshire in the fifth inning for unspecified disciplinary reasons.

Suspended three games by the Yankees for leaving Waterfront Park following an April 26 strikeout that dropped his batting average below .200, Tabata was expelled from the dugout and was seen sitting in front of his locker as the Fisher Cats grabbed a 4-3 lead in the eighth inning...
Manager Tony Franklin refused to address the specifics as to why the 19-year-old Tabata was pulled and sent back to the clubhouse.

"We had an in-house issue we needed to deal with. Don't ask me what it is because I'm not telling you,'' a visibly irritated Franklin said. "We're very pleased with the way he is playing. He is playing hard. But there are certain standards that need to be met within this organization and with this team, and when those standards are not met we take action. It's our job to make sure these players know what they are supposed to do at all times out there.''

Franklin did not rule out further discipline for Tabata, who was 0-for-2 before being removed.

While Jair Jurrjens has proved to be a quality second-round choice for the Pies, I don't think much of his first-rounder Andrew (pronounced Ahhnnnd-draaa) McCutchen. Tabata was a nice fourth-round snag, one of the top Yankee prospects, but unless he can adjust his 'tude, this might end up being a bust for the Pies.

THIS WEEK'S HATED ENEMY

PMF has always played well against LM, including a defeat last summer while I was chasing blondes in Hawaii. We must be on high alert this week. Like the last game of a brutal road trip, this matchup has the potential to be overlooked by my men as they eagerly anticipate the comparatively lighter schedule coming up after the BB/LU/FC/ERdR/PMF New York City gauntlet of death. Focus, boys!! This is a nonpareil pitching staff balanced by the most lethal hitter in the league right now!

Had we met last week, LM would have taken it 12-5-5; Bobby's pitching stats were off the charts, but I would have straight dominated the hitting categories. So far my pitching stinks but I still think I have the superior bullpen, and I pray they'll make up in saves and holds what they've already coughed up in homers and ER. Chase Utley continues to hit a dong every day, and I acquired K/BB genius Kevin Slowey both because I like what he's doing lately and because it seemed a fitting "eff you" to my opponent.

Sure wish I'd grabbed Yuniesky Betancourt, though...

ENDQUOTE

"Bailey II: Last Chance to Dance Trance."

- Rick Kentz on Homer Bailey's return to the majors

Tommy's Thoughts #8

2008-05-29T07:19:00.000-07:00

What's your excuse? Spent your Memorial Day weekend building habitats for the prairie dog, you hippie fuck? Too busy giving foot massages to the castrating skank you call your woman? Working the phones to persuade a superdelegate to support that America-hating socialist O-Bambi or worse, the evil witch Clinton? Or trying to circumvent the LOWV rules by flying to Japan for a secret negotiation seshwan with Yu Darvish?

Quite frankly, if you haven't gotten around to listening to the latest Shortpants, not only do I not want to hear your excuse, I don't even want to know you.

This wasn't just possibly the best episode yet, it was also a thousand times better than most of the radio shows that are actually broadcast using radio waves. The nineteen-minute opening segment, in which Michael Jones rants about the Mets, and Willie Randolph in particular, evinces absolute mastery of the medium. The way in which the Mikeman unfolds his accusations of malfeasance against Willie along with the painful spilling of his hurt Mets-fan-feelings is truly a thing of genius. Mike's verbal daggers draw more blood than a virulent blogger could ever hope for, but his venom is tempered by a true sense of betrayal and love for his adopted team. When he says "I'm pissed, Chris!" the listener truly believes that it's so. Madman's interjections are perfectly timed and wisely circumspect - and one of the show's highlights is when the host and producer trade punchlines about when things just aren't going your way and, for example, "the dookie isn't coming out right."

Add to this potent brew a heady mixture of Keanu anecdote and you have yourself a truly awesome Shortpants. Fantastic work boys, we are all the beneficiaries of your hard work - I know an opening rant like that doesn't prepare itself - and I look forward to more episodes of this superb caliber!

Although I have to say, I saw Street Kings (and I was fired up for it, lots of great actors in that cast) and it was a REALLY bad movie, but hilariously bad. For you Battle Dome fans, it's worth the price of admission just to see the former T-Money (Terry Crews) in a dramatic role!

LAST WEEK'S GAME

Despite the best efforts of Carlos Guillen, Rickie Weeks, Jered Weaver and Mrs. Tony Parker, unBeleaguerable was convincingly defeated by the Manicotti by a score of 12-6. Unfortunately, the fine efforts of these gentlemen were marred by a staff-wide K/BB poopfest, a profound lack of doubles and triples, a pitching record of 1-7 and an untimely injury to potentially key FA pickup Jayson Werth. unB GM Chip Mitchell made some canny moves, like ignoring the day/night splits and benching B. Bannister against the Red Sox (he got shellacked). When a team with a winning percentage of below .400 meets a team with a winning percentage of above .600, the outcome isn't usually in great doubt - but in the LOWV, it's foolhardy to overlook any opponent.

Therefore, I gathered the team together at the start of the week and informed them that since I would be on a three-day drunk over Mem. Day weekend, it was important that everyone knew their roles in advance. "Infielders - swing for the fences. Giambi, pass that thong around to those who need it...oh, Howard's magnificent baby arm tore a hole in it? Tell some fucking clubby to go out and buy a case of those things! Outfielders - get hits, swipe bags and score runs. Milton, I expect you to pace everyone and if you don't I'm trading you to one of those tree hugger teams who hate conflict in the LOWV, and you'll sit on the bench forevermore. SPs - step up when you are called on! Verlander, if you can't dominate the motherfucking Doublemint Twins, with God as my witness I will blow a load on your firstborn daughter. Bullpen - keep doin' what you're doin'. Oh, except you, Aquilino."

"Que?" asked a puzzled Aquilino Lopez.

"Get the fuck out of here!!!!" I screamed in a sudden and irrational red-faced rage, of the sort that I'm prone to fly into. Aquilino was quickly hustled out by Coach Fernando. I then gestured grandiloquently to the door and said "Gentlemen, let me introduce you to your new teammate, known in Latin America as 'Ciento y Mas,' Mr. Chris Perez!"

"You mean the Chris Perez that was married to Selena???" asked Carlos Marmol excitedly.

"No," I said, "and you're a fag just for asking that."

Following this genius pep talk, we rolled unB by one point more than we'd sought to. Damn, I am an awesome manager. But I gotta say, great game to unB - this was closer than the score indicated. He also bested me in the smack talk arena. I thought my song parody had him beat, but then I received this text message:

"Your sister just called to say that if and when you win she will give me a lap dance for consolation but if I win she gets one from me."

I contacted Chad's sister to propose a similar arrangement, but my awkward proposal was met by hysterical laughter and then she hung up on me...

WEEK EIGHT RECAP

Elsewhere around the league, the standings continued to shake out. After last week's results, there are now 7 "haves" and 7 "have nots." This is not only shown by the league standings but by the genius tabulations of Bluster Foney's Roto-Rankings. The Haves - FC, LM, LU, ERdR, DLBP, PMF and Flash - are all within 15.5 games of first. After a terrifying 10 game drop off, you can find the rest of the league squabbling in the basement. If this situation holds, there will be one VERY sad team that just misses the 'yoffs. However, if one or more teams ascends the cliff to join the playoff hunt - BB, for example - the battle for sixth could get even more fierce. Memories of jumping around my clubhouse like a madman and screaming at StatTracker with every pitch on the last day of the 2007 regular season is washing over me like a bad acid flashback. I need to move on.

Fecal Clatter made a genius pickup of Jesse Litsch to neutralize VR's long-dreamed-of great start from Jon Lester, and by so doing takes over first place by himself. I really admire the recent in-game management of FC - he made a series of moves in Week 7 that put me on the defensive, and he isn't afraid to admit when he made a mistake, like his drop of Matt Garza. Although the Clatter is known for its exhaustive pre-auction preparations, building most of its roster before the season begins, crucial adjustments week-to-week are a big part of the team's success thus far. It's just a shame that its owner will have to be killed once a new Red Scare begins and we start wiping out all those who work in furtherance of Communist regimes...

VR's week started out so promisingly and then collapsed in a flurry of terrible starts. When you have one of your SPs throw a no-hitter and you only end up winning HR - that's tragic.

Conversely, Lacey had magnificent pitching stats in a VERY impressive win over upstart DLBP. Just as the boo-birds and doubters were beginning to peek their heads out from hiding, the Underalls soundly thrashed a quality opponent to regain their footing. On the flip, the Pies have watched their offense stall while Manny struggles on his quest for 500 dongs. When facing an opponent known for pitching genius, you HAVE to hit, and DLBP didn't. Thus, just as many were anointing him the next powerhouse in the league, he slips a spot in the rankings. I know the feeling, homes.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out why The Flash has such an inconsistent OPS. With the bats in his lineup it should be solid, but it waxes and wanes with each passing week...

The "Battle of Brooklyn" between Mothership and Equipe ended in a very close victory for the Ship. ERdR got soundly trounced in the pitching cats, and Mikeman's nice pickup of Andrew Miller paid off big time. Also, Josh Hamilton is a beast's beast. After his win, Mike was heard to say "Neil? He's awe-ite. But he's been in Brooklyn what, five minutes? Come try me when you've at least gotten your dick wet in the borough. Thanks for Hamilton, though." (Warning: Quotations may be fictional.)

I like Guapo's FA pickups, but his staff has too many sketchy pitchers for my liking...

A balanced attack from Banana Belt carries the day and puts him in position to move up the standings. Aaron Laffey is killing me softly with his song and his 88 mph tosses. The Belt never stops trying to improve, and that's been one of the keys to his success. Can't say the same at the moment for his vanquished opponent . Snatty's NINE roster moves all season is convincing evidence that he has no real desire to regain playoff status. Hate to say it.

PMF won ugly, despite mediocre pitching numbers and a struggling offense - but the LOWV isn't about style points, it's about the bottom line. Fart's starters are looking glorious, but I dunno about that pen. The inevitable Mark Reynolds swoon coincides with the return of Chad Tracy spelling a decrease in PT for one of the team's few legit hitters so far - this is why I cut Marky Mark in the offseason, though I still like that auction pickup for PMF. However, just when Andy LaRoche should be riding to the rescue...he's stuck playing for the Las Vegas 51s.

To give you my take on Bonomatory Influence, I need but one word: flaccid.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

There's been a lot of grousing over the LOWV's most annoying new trend - picking up a guy as an FA and then immediately offering him around as part of a trade. Seriously, guys? I am eager to see how Chase Headley fares in the bigs, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to give you a quality player for him - if I'd wanted I could have had him for $1 at the auction. I wish I had snagged the resurgent Cla Meredith, but not badly enough that I'm going to give up one of my awesome minor leaguers just so you can wash your hands of the Schafer debacle. At least hang onto these guys for a few weeks, and let them make their names in the LOWV, before you start acting like they have trade value...

As one GM told me, "Putting dudes you just picked up on the trade block is pretty lame. If I've learned anything, it's pointless to try and trade the last 5 guys on your bench. I wouldn't take anyone else's - why should I think they want mine? It's pretty tough to move anyone from the bottom half of a roster."

Along these lines, I've taken the obnoxious "Seeking GIDP" from my trade block and added some quality players - overperforming and underperforming alike - for your consideration. Although the trade market has been VERY quiet, LM is always looking for a deal that both teams can be happy about. You may know me from such all-around successes as "Utley for Papelbon and Beej Upton," "Erv Santana for Schilling," and "Chipper for Ad. Jones, Okernok and Heath-er." Holla at me, fellas!

BART WATCH

A pretty nice outing for Bartolo Colon against the lowly Mariners - definitely an improvement on his first start, which was fine by MLB standards but subpar by LOWV standards. He featured mostly heaters, but began to mix in his slider as the game went on. (Some people think he threw one changeup as well.) My favorite stat from this game was that Colon got out every batter he got 2 strikes on. Here's a detailed report card on Colon's performance.

None of this changes my original contention that VR was dumb to wait two months for this guy while he took up a very useful roster spot, but at least it seems to be paying off now.

RECOMMENDED READING

Former MLBer Doug Glanville wrote an awesome op/ed for the NYT recently in which he discussed the fact that baseball players really have very little interest in fighting one another, even when they gather for a giant pigpile on the mound...

"The year that my team got into those four fights, minor league officials wanted to crack down, so they instituted a strict fine system with suspensions for anyone who left the bench to join in. This put quite a damper on the retaliation protocol, to the point where when one of my teammates charged the mound after being hit by a pitch, he stopped halfway and started scolding the pitcher. That was a first: intimidation by lecture.

Since in the minor leagues most players are living paycheck to paycheck, the new fine system worked like a charm. During that same on-field berating, I looked into our dugout from its midst and noticed that one of my teammates, Mike Carter, was breaking yet another unwritten rule by not joining his teammates in the rumble on the field. To raise his violation status from plain wrong to egregious, he was the only one who did not join his teammates. I asked him about this later. “Mike Carter has to pay his bills,” he replied.

The irony of these on-field altercations is that the fans are often much more likely to engage in a real fight than the players. When they fight in the stands to defend their teams (or for other reasons), they often go for the knock-out. Players just go to send the message, “We will not be intimidated!” while whispering, “Watch my right arm, I need that.”

There's more good stuff, including a tale of a Paul Byrd/Eddie Perez "brawl" that was a lot closer to a "kiss each other!" moment - and a quote from one "Richie Sexton." Unless the majors now features a Ton of Sex along with a Son of Sex, I'm guessing Commissioner Chris "Todd Lilly" Sahl is moonlighting as a NYT proofreader.

Not-recommended reading: this story about how Joe Nathan cried when they told him he couldn't be a shortstop any more. No more stories like this. LaVelle Neal is to LM as John Tomase is to the Patriots.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

Last week's penis: Rafael Furcal, for faking me out with a supposed Friday return that never materialized, and then turned into another week on the DL. Man up and get back in there!

Last week's genius: Shane Victorino, in danger of losing playing time after returning from injury, exploded last week: 6 R, 13 H, 1 HR, 2 SB, .394 / 1.004. Thank God the Hawaiian is flyin' again, because for a while there I had half a mind to send him out to Japan to play for Bobby Valentine along with his ex Benny Agbayani...

THIS WEEK'S HATED ENEMY

Oh I Wandy Wandy who, whoooooooooa who. Wandy Rodriguez sucks!

I actually am having a hard time mustering my usual invective while pondering my matchup with Equipe. Part of it is that I needed several days to sober up from a truly drunken weekend, and now the showdown is more than imminent. Part of it is that I appreciate his contributions to this column - by doing things that it's really easy to be critical of, by inspiring great blowback from the Shortpants crew, and by his willingness to trash his fellow GMs in anonymous quotes. And part of it is that his 2008 management turned a team that many people thought was circling the drain into a serious title contender by making great FA pickups, strategizing well and deploying the weapons accumulated during the fallow months of his team's terrible 2007. Not to mention the fact that his power rankings rule.

BUT let's not start sucking each other's dicks here. There are a lot of things that piss me off about this team too, and I intend to channel all of my anger into a lightsaber of destruction that will wipe out ERdR in Week 9. Repeated slights against my closers will not be forgotten. Insulting attempts to acquire Marmol will be looked back upon in anger. The suggestion that Curtis Granderson is better than Carl Crawford for less than 8% of the price will be rudely disproven (right Carl? Right??? Are you there Carl?). And Soriano's awkward movements offend my sense of grace and must be capitalized upon!

I believe the winner will be determined by the performance of my pitching staff this weekend. Good luck, Plainview. As an Italian-American even fatter and more pompous than me once quoth, "I don't need luck....you do."

ENDQUOTE

"You're either gonna be like 'Oh!', or you're gonna be like '...oh.'"

-Keanu Reeves on the two possible reactions to Street Kings

Shortpants XXX -- LOWV Keanus & Notes

2008-05-22T05:54:00.001-07:00

Shortpants returns from a fortnight of slumber and finds our host in a very agitated state. With so much controversy and excitement around the league, The Madman barely had time to grab the recording gear before our host launched into a litany of insightful invective and boisterous bloviation. Armed with huge piles of paper, Mike rants and raves about race cards, over-exuberant mound antics, his lollipop left-handed pitching and spares no feelings in the latest round of Significant and Notable Roster Adjustments.

Then when you least expect it, we find a sensitive soul behind the bombast. Mike relates the story of his star-struck evening with Keanu Reeves, which will delight members of the Keanu Krew of all ages. Which Reeves movies did he joke about in conversation with The One? You'll have to listen to find out.

Come for the baseball analysis, stay for the Dogstar jokes.

Episode XXX

ROTO-RANKINGS WEEK 8

2008-05-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

THE TITS
1.) LASORDA'S MANICOTTI (2nd Place/6th SOS/118H/122P = 262)
Well, well, well. It finally happened. Somebody managed to knock the king off his throne. For what feels like the first time all season, we have a new #1. Huzzah! We can’t say LM did it in the most decisive manner this weekend, but stealing six offensive categories from the vaunted FC juggernaut on route to a last second draw is worthy of a sincere tip of the cap.

SLOPPY SECONDS
2.) THE LACEY UNDERALLS (3rd Place/ 4th SOS/102H/121P = 246)
What was the cause of LU’s downfall? An overextension of resources over too vast a roster? An overreliance on mercenaries and foreign-born players? The erosion of common morals and values within the team? Lead poisoning from the piping used in the plumbing of the team’s locker room? Only historians will know the answer to this question, however we believe it was probably just a case of bad luck. However, injuries to Peavy and the steady rise of LU’s team ERA are certainly cause for concern. Also of concern is the hoarde of Visigoths, known as DLBP , who are primed to sack the imperial city.

3.) FECAL CLATTER (1st Place/7th SOS/130H/89P = 241)
We know FC is top of the pops right now, but we’re just not comfortable placing such an imbalanced team much higher than third right now. While there is no doubt that this is one of the most powerful and potent offenses LOWV has ever seen, we are still quite concerned about a pitching staff that notched five losses and a 5.17 ERA last week. Of particular note, just about every member of the FC bullpen shat the proverbial bed last week.

HEAVY PETTING
4.) EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU (5th Place/9th SOS/88H/127P = 231)
Alfonso Mutherfuckin’ Soriano. The same pattern seems to repeat itself every season and yet, we always have our minds blown: a .165 BA in March and April, then four weeks on the DL, then a hot streak so incredible it leaves the rest of the league looking like it peeked inside the Arc of the Covenant. Simply put, The Fonz is back! Six homers and 13 RBIs all by his lonesome – that’s almost better than DLBP’s whole roster put up combined. And that’s not all, the offense simply exploded, putting up FC-quality numbers across the board: 80 hits, 21 doubles, .315AVG and an .897OPS. Best of all, the froglegs tied the LOWV record with 51 RBIs in a week! We wish we could say that all the news was positive, but unfortunately, ERdR suffered two key injuries to its pitching staff: Buchholz and Casilla. Both should be back relatively soon, but it’ll be interesting to see how the league’s best pitching staff deals without two key members.

5.) THE FLASH (6th Place/2nd SOS/108H/92P = 222)
All we can really do is tip our cap to The Flash. N’er have we seen a team put up a 75H, 42R, 16 2Bs, 10HR, 34RBI .301BA, .852 OPS week and lose the offensive cats by a score of 7-3. However, while those numbers are very impressive, had they been the only bright spot, Flash would have suffered a very depressing loss to rival, ERdR. Fortunately, Flash managed to put up TWO CG-SHOs in a single week on route to seizing a 7-3 victory in the pitching cats. Not only that, but he managed to squeeze an incredible ten saves out of his bullpen, including a mind-boggling four out of Valverde and Ryan each!

WET DREAMS
6.) D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES (4th Place/13th SOS/93H/105P = 211)
More anemic than the Smith College Vegan Society, DLBP’s offense put up some astonishingly hollow numbers. We know its working and all, as DLBP absolutely dominates the “get on base stats” -- bear witness to the 90 hit, .349 AVG and 27 strikeout performance last week -- however, the team only managed to muscle a single dinger and 23 RBIs. Also, while that .875 OPS was solid, it would be a hell of a lot higher if there was any pop in those bats. As for his arms…we love them. Kazmir is back. Vazquez looked solid. Jair Jurjens continues to impress. But, we left our heart in Timmy Lincecum.

7.) POOR MAN'S FART (7th Place/10th SOS/100H/85P = 198)
Just as we imagined, PMF is getting it done against the lighter schedule. The best part is that his offense has finally kicked it into high gear. Last week against BI, PMF put up a sizzling 33 runs, 69 hits and a .299 AVG. While the power numbers are still a bit low, we’re impressed that he managed to pull out such a decisive victory without even playing a catcher! Also, we are confident those power numbers are only a matter of weeks away as his younger players get more and more comfortable with big league pitching. The pitching numbers were a little less than exciting, but considering neither Lackey nor Halladay notched an inning for PMF, we weren’t too surprised. On the flip side, it was great to see Rich Harden return with authority.

PEEPING TOMS
8.) THE BANANA BELT (10th Place/8th SOS/87H/80P = 179)
Don’t look now, but he’s back. We have been one of the biggest haters around, and it would be easy to take a dump on him after that beatdown last week….but those rotisserie stats are really turning around and we can’t dispute them any longer. First, tBB’s offensive numbers were solid last week and would have been winners against most of the teams not named DLBP. Second, dude has four pitchers inactive and still is putting up competitive numbers. That’s twilight zone crazy shit. Oh, and we’re sorry we ever said anything bad about CC, could you be sure you tell him that, Rick? Seriously, he looks fierce.

9.) THE MOTHERSHIP (8th Place/11th SOS/78H/83P = 171)
Mothership slips in the rankings despite pulling out a win…we know this is going to cause consternation on Shortpants. To put it bluntly, Mothership stayed late at the homecoming party, left with the biggest slut in the class and only managed to get an awkward tug job by the railroad tracks. Sure, Mothership got its rocks off with an 11-9 win, but it should have been guts deep in that New Orleans strange.

CLOSET CASES
10.) EL GUAPO (11th Place/11th SOS/49H/92P = 149)
This team is painful to watch without Chone Figgins and Alex Rodriguez. We’ll just hope that when these two superstars return, El Guap’s offense will return. At least his starters put up a decent week, not awesome, not great, but decent. Which is pretty much how we feel about his bullpen too. Somehow, for the second week in a row, they shocked us by putting up seven saves. Maybe we should stop hating….On a serious note, congrats on graduating from law school, Guap.

11.) SNATURALS (9th Place/14th SOS/67H/69P = 143)
Big Papi is back, officially. A great big power explosion helped the Snatmaster take out El Guapo. We’re not happy with the low AVG and OPS, but that’s what happens when you walk the way of the Dunn. We aren’t even touching the pitching staff though. Ugggg.

DUNGEON MASTERS
12.) VICIOUS RUMORS (12th Place/1st SOS/54H/59P = 130)
Biggest upset of the week! Good lord, VR, where has that been all season? Well, to be fair, VR pulled it off with a balanced attack he has shown for a couple weeks now. Truth be told is that VR has been getting some solid returns off his patient approach to his roster. He’s let some players work themselves out of some serious slumps and the investments are starting to pay off. Now, he still is having trouble in the outfield and his pitching is still a bit too inconsistent week to week, but last week his staff was just solid enough to allow his offense to steal the week by slap hitting his way to victory. Our hats are off to you VR.

13.) BONOMATORY INFLUENCE (13th Place/3rd SOS/41H/66P = 121)
Decent numbers out of BI, but the pharaoh fell short. When does BI start thinking about next year? We don’t want to be a downer, but we were right about where BI is now last year and we know that it doesn’t get much better. Now might be a good time to start evaluating the talent and fishing for younger talent. Good bait on the BI, too: Drew, Ordonez, Hudson, etc. Also, one of the recent bright spots is Ryan Freakin Dempster…wow. If we were the BI we’d be trying to move that guy after last week.

FAILURE TO LAUNCH
14.) UNBELEAGUERABLE (14th Place/5th SOS/60H/477P = 118)
Hopefully unBeleaguerable was so buried in finals preparation he didn’t get to watch his team fall to Mothership last week. On the serious tip though, we love how unB has embraced the future and is clearly building for 2009 and beyond. His commitment to the youth movement the last couple years is really starting to pay dividends as Soto, Longoria, Butler and Upton all look like they are going to be legitimate studs for years to come. That team is going to be scary good, sooner rather than later.

Tommy's Thoughts #7

2008-05-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

After all my years in the game, I sometimes think I've seen everything there is to see. But every season, something new and surprising happens that changes the way I perceive the LOWV. Last year, it was the attempted poisoning of yours truly in a Brooklyn spumoni deathtrap. This season, it's the inspirational slump-breaking golden thong.

Portfolio magazine revealed a shocking story that's been around the locker dungeons of the LOWV for years, but only recently became known in the LM clubhouse:

"Jason Giambi has a deep, dark secret. Deeper than his compulsion to sleep on the side of the bed nearest the door, and darker than his dream of growing up to be a heavy-metal musician.

The deepest, darkest secret harbored by the New York Yankees first baseman is that whenever he is in a prolonged hitting funk, he wears a gold lamé, tiger-stripe thong under his uniform. "I only put it on when I'm desperate to get out of a big slump," he confides.

Over Giambi's checkered career in the Bronx, he has left the "golden thong" in the lockers of slumping teammates Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Johnny Damon, Robin Ventura, and Robinson Cano. "All of them wore it and got hits," he reports. "The thong works every time.""

Giambi: Also uses "The Thong Song" to break out of karaoke slumps

The New York Daily News followed up with a hard-hitting article on all things thong:

""Whoever is on slumps, puts it on," catcher Jorge Posada admitted yesterday. "I don't know if it works. I haven't worn it yet."

Posada added that "a lot of players have worn it," but he didn't name names. Asked if the thong got washed between wearings, he gave a cringe-worthy answer. "Ask Jason," said Posada. "Jason is a little strange."

Yankee outfielder Bobby Abreu recoiled and threw his arms up in the air when a reporter waved a variation of Giambi's shiny underwear in his face.

"I don't know anything about that," Abreu insisted, though his bulging eyes said otherwise."

While teams like the Lacey Underalls have successfully donned Giambi's thong in seasons past, we've never had that kind of below-the-belt performance enhancer working in our favor. Until this season. When LM grabbed Giambi off the free-agent rolls on May 11, we thought we were getting a solid IF with power, RBI opportunities and a good eye. We never realized that our modest $3 investment also included a lucky thong!

Giambi wasted no time distributing his magical underpants to the needy. Ryan Howard, mired in his traditional spring morass, arrived the next day to find the golden wonder already hanging in his locker. "The fuck?" he asked quizzically.

"Put it on, bro," said the beefy Giambino. "You'll be going yard again in no time."

Howard refused, so Giambi waited until he was taking a noonday nap...and then dropped trou and pressed his flabby ass cheeks around Howard's face, tickling his nose with Italian butt hairs in the immortal humiliation known only as the Sasquatch. Howard squirmed and cried in horror, but Giambi wouldn't relent. "Wear the thong!!" he demanded. I'll say one thing for Jason, he wants the best for his teammates.

Thus chastened by the threat of further Sasquatchings, Howard wore the thong that night at the ballpark. Since then, his line has been 7/26, 7 R, 3 HR, 6 RBI, .269/.999 - with a gang of K's, but it's a slump-breaking thong, not a skill-set-transforming thong, for god's sake.

Howard: Gimme that thong.

LAST WEEK

In a seemingly decisive matchup against fellow league-leader Fecal Clatter, LM managed to snatch stalemate from the jaws of defeat. And not just because of the magic thong.

It was the weekend, and FC had us on the ropes. The team was losing and I was puking my guts out after a Friday night drinking binge with Mama Jams, in celebration of our mutual decision to bury the hatchet. I felt like shit and LM was playing like diarrhea.

Despite the world's most predictable injury to Nick Johnson, FC had some of its bats roaring - David Wright, Stephen Drew, Raul Ibanez, Corey Hart. Bag-swipers ran rampant and Nachtmarz deftly shuffled his pitching lineups to max out his bullpen stats. Jimmy Shields and Matt Cain looked nasty, and Todd Lilly mowed down 11 batters. The sight of a 12-6 score in midstream was enough to make my prostate itch like it had been repeatedly bitten by fire ants.

That's when an angry black man burst into my office and unleashed an obscenity-laced tirade so Lasorda-esque, I wondered if he was an illegitimate son I'd fathered back in my Studio 54 days. It was Milton Bradley, and he was pissed.

"Bitch, why you sittin in here barfing? FC out there punking us and you in here puking. Sheeiiit. You realize we ain't had a healthy shortstop in there since last week? Chase Utley tiring himself out runnin' all around the infield and shit. Motherfucker. You need me to manage this team or what, nigga?"

"Go for it," I said in between spews. Although his disrespect took me aback, there was no denying the man's fire. And I was in no condition to take the fight to the enemy.

Next thing I knew, Milton had taken over managerial duties while hitting .400 with three dongs. He talked Russell Martin and Chipper Jones into a hitting contest by convincing them that he would force the loser to attend Fat School. And he scared the shit out of Johan Santana with an unprecedented mound-charge straight from the dugout, after which the Mets ace yielded dinger after dinger.

"Outta my way Bud Black! I'm-a stab that Venezuelan mothafucka!"

By the time Sunday night wound down, I had regained the ability to digest solid food, and Milton Bradley's terrifying stewardship had brought LM back to a tie with FC. Thus we were able to finish our swing through the top 3 teams in the preseason standings with a record of 38-21-7.

For whatever reason, FC/LM games always seem to end in some kind of deadlock or stalemate. Sup with that?

THIS WEEK

Jambalaya on the Bayou (LM v unB version)

Peace out ho, me gotta go, me oh my oh
Me gotta go whip unB's crap squad down the bayou
Todd Helton, sucks a dong, me oh my oh
Son of a gun, we'll win 21-1 on the bayou

CHORUS:
Jambalaya, crawfish pie, hittin' dongs off Cueto
'Cause tonight I'm gonna see Andruw Jones and giggle
Chad pick guitar, fill fruit jar and be gay-o
Son of a gun, Pedro is done, on the bayou.

Billy Butt, fat as fuck, slim down, cousin!
Carlos Gui hits GIDP by the dozen
Except Soto, your team blows, me oh my oh
Son of a gun, we'll have big fun on the bayou.

Just kidding about 21-1, our goal is more along the lines of last week's 12-7 advantage...but we will be on our guard against sneak attacks and below-the-belt smack. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to buy some fried shrimp from the seafood place up the street and fix myself a po' boy...

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The Game of the Week was ERdR vs. the Flash. Although a 1o-10 tie, this was anything but a disappointment. The offensive matchup is pretty staggering. When you see numbers like these - 38 R, 75 H, 16 2B, 10 HR, .301 BA, .852 OPS - and they AREN'T in bold, you know this was a showdown. Not to mention the double CG SOs that Flash received from Hamels and Fausto! At some point, we have to dispense with the image of these teams as upstarts and accept that they have the potential to win it all this year. Each team has areas of particular strength and obsesses over particular categories - no distinction more striking there than Flash's love of cheap saves and Equipe's love of holds. Teams of destiny in parallel worlds? I don't think either of these franchises will fall out of playoff contention anytime soon.

The mirror image of this great game was the Snatty/Guapo match, another Boston/SF competition but with way, way worse numbers across the board. Honestly, I'm not sure what else to say here without making more enemies...

Feast-or-famine smack from BI this week: "I am going to Poor Man's Fart in your face!" I guarantee that will reduce half the league to hysterical giggles, while the other half shakes its head in derision. The 12-4 score, in favor of PMF, demonstrates exactly in which direction the stinky winds blew. In addition, two of BI's "runs" were by one measly statistical point. On the flip, good win for PMF. This team can no longer lean on the hard schedule excuse, as the tables have been turned and PMF's schedule is, to this point, the league's easiest - so wins like this become crucial in the playoff drive.

Speaking of PMF: while Andy LaRoche warms the Poor Man's pine, Mothership's Blake DeWitt continues to mash in the big leagues. And-LaRoc can bitch all he wants, and he has, but DeWitt is playing like he deserves to be in an LOWV lineup, and sticking in the Dodger hot corner. Kudos to the Ship for grabbing a guy who doesn't have much pedigree, but can unquestionably boost his infield for a time.

While he sings a song of basement-dwelling, I'm told that the Banana Belt organization is actually quite optimistic. CC Saba is looking fierce, and BB insiders pointed out that fellow Tribesman Aaron Laffey is looking better and better with each appearance.

unB finally bit the bullet and grabbed Jayson Werth. This guy has been crushing everything for quite a while, playing in a great hitters' park with an awesome lineup around him. Every year, there are boring vets who get hot, and it almost becomes a staring contest among LOWV GMs to determine who is willing to swallow their love of flashy talent and grab the boring bat. Smart move by unBeleguerable to snag this Werth-while player. Werth-while - get it??????

VR appears to be taking a page out of the BB handbook, transforming a preseason darling into what appeared to be a sinking ship, and then ambushing the league leaders when they least expect it. His 10-8 victory over the league's most serious businessman was coupled by a smack ambush that nobody saw coming, and that blasted everyone and everything in its path. My response to this turn of events is twofold - first, praise to VR for this double-barreled assault. With the standings largely static this week, he's still in position to move up. Second, LU has now had two disappointing weeks in a row. I believe this performance can be summed up best in a single image:

Here at LM, we consider D'Lucious Bitch Pies to be our most frightening competition at the moment. This is a team that completely outfoxed me a few weeks back and has risen from a Varitek-picking, Soriano-trading laughingstock to a LOWV powerhouse in a few short seasons. Who is to say how far this team can rise in the future? Did I mention that Forest has an iPhone and can juggle his lineup at virtually any time?? DLBP continued to make a case for its own awesomeness with a big win over Banana Belt this week. Other than a statistically-aberrant dearth of dongs, his numbers looked good across the board. NINETY freakin' hits?

The best part...the wounded LU now seeks to right the ship against a cruising DLBP! This ought to make for an incredibly fierce battle. This is my advance pick for Game of the Week next week, and at the very least it ought to end in bloodshed and/or hurt feelings. Awesome.

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

"I gave up on Garza, he just had a crappy outing yet the bid keeps rising."

So said Banana Belt at 10:59 on Monday morning. unB folded on Garza minutes before this statement. Yet BB made no declaration of fold to the league board, so the auction "continued" until the commish ended it by fiat 6:52 AM this morning, delaying by one day VR's ability to add Garza to his roster.

Weak.

DANK FARM NUGS

I think it's clear by now that the players on Hershiser's Heroes are awesome, so it's high time we took a look at some of the other studs out there.

VR is giddy about his top pick, Orioles catching prospect Matt Wieters. And for good reason - at least one GM of a 2007 playoff team cursed aloud when the Rumors snagged him with a lottery pick. In naming Wieters prospect of the day recently, Baseball America wrote that "Only two games were played yesterday because of weather, but Frederick (Orioles) catcher Matt Wieters probably would have taken the cake on any day. The switch-hitting Wieters went 3-for-5 with two home runs and four RBIs, giving him 11 long balls on the year. He also threw out the only runner that tried to steal on him. He is now batting .338/.419/.618 in 136 at-bats."

Lots of Mischevious Maggie O'Hooligans in the news recently. Let's begin on the positive tip. Angel Villalona started slow this season, but the young, raw Giants prospect recently exploded on a Rays farm club, going 4-5 and mashing like a madman. I've heard tell that NOBODY in the minors has the kind of raw power potential this guy has. In other MMO'H news, top pick Fernando Martinez got hurt, while shortstop Carlos Triunfel has been missing time due to a mysterious suspension...

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Jeff Keppinger, who signed with LM and then went out the very same night and threw his kneecap in front of a foul tip, meaning that he never actually played for us. Consequently, we got stuck with Khalil "Despite My Name, Not Only Am I White, I'm WICKED White" Greene. Eff you, Keppinger! Get well soon, Furcal!

This week's genius: Russell Martin, who batted .522 with an OPS of 1.082 last week and continued his winning ways into Week 8 by scoring the winning run for the Dodge last night. No Fat School for you! This week, anyway.

Honorable mention to Milton Bradley, who notoriously gets himself really pissed off in order to perform at his best. Let the anger take control, Milton - let the anger move you! And thanks for the help last weekend.

ENDQUOTE

"I can finally look forward to some positive analysis from Tommy... or can I?"

-Vicious Rumors, who sends the mighty Colon to the mound on Wednesday!

Tommy's Thoughts #6

2008-05-12T13:00:00.000-07:00

Startled your ass, didn't I! My lucrative speaking engagements have me traveling again this week so I'm releasing my Thoughts a bit earlier than usual. It's clear that this column will never be released on a regular schedule.

Here's an opening observation...entering Week 7, LM is tied with Fecal Clatter for first place in the league. My record is 78-43-11, while his record is 77-44-13. Obviously, our records are not the same, yet we share the lead. From this, one can deduce that in terms of LOWV standings, a tie is worth half a win - thus we each have 83.5 "points" (LM: 78+5.5, FC: 77+6.5).

For one thing, this reveals the true point value of a CG SO. When your opponent gets a CG SO in a given week and wins each category 1-0, he doesn't just score two points against you, he actually deducts another point from your total by taking away two ties. Oddly enough, a CG SO in this scenario hurts the team that absorbs it more than it helps the team that gets it - it's a net gain of one point for the team with the CG SO - without it, they had 1 point from 2 ties; with it, they have 2 points from 2 wins - and a net loss of THREE points for the team that it comes against. (I happen to think that counting both of these stats is overkill, but that's a topic for another day.)

One thing I have yet to figure out is the significance of a team's tie totals over a season. Is there any correlation between a team's number of ties and any positive or negative qualities - or is it merely a function of head-to-head luck? Either way I'd guess the 2008 tie totals are too small a sample size to be significant, but I've always suspected that when the season rounds into fullness, that number means something. Send your theories to our mailbag.

LAST WEEK

What a strange and hard-fought game this was. Superstars came up small, pulled up lame, or got rained out. Underrated players stepped up in a big way. Roles were reversed, as each team won categories they seemed to have no business winning. Twelve counting categories were decided by a margin of two or fewer. Arguably, the game came down to the final at-bat of the week - when Joe Nathan got Manny Ramirez to ground into a rally-killing out late on Sunday night, he prevented red-hot Lacey Underalls 1B Justin Morneau (3-3, 2R) from leading off the bottom of the ninth, where he might have affected numerous cats with one swing of the bat.

If you had told me on Monday that my team OPS was going to be .650, I would have immediately changed my identity and moved to Alabama to escape the everlasting shame of it all - no way I could hold Lacey off with an offensive effort that pathetic. What I didn't anticipate is that the LM starters would trounce the LU starters - John Maine and Cliff Lee significantly outperformed Jake Peavy and Felix Hernandez, even though I sit here and read that and have a hard time accepting such a preposterous statement as fact - or that the steady LM bullpen would be pointin and giggling while their LU counterparts were butt-reamed by cruel Fortune. When Papelbon, Broxton and T. Walker combine to surrender 4 losses, we have officially entered the Twilight Zone. Despite an uncanny knack for benching guys just in time for them to have big games, managing my way out of a triple and a win on Sunday alone, I squeezed out enough doubles, homers and steals to win the offensive cats 5-4, which when added to my pitching staff's 6-2 triumph amounted to a solid 11-6 victory over a team we were totally unable to beat last season.

I would be an idiot to gloat, though, because I know how tenuous this win was, and because in the process I lost some key contributors to injury - Vernon Wells is on the DL for a couple of months and Rafael Furcal hasn't played in days with back problems. Like Stonewall Jackson in the Battle of Chancellorsville, they turned the enemy's flank with crucial HRs but fell wounded on the field of battle. Oh the humanity!!

Now a little respect for my vanquished opponent. As has been noted before in this column, Lacey Underalls does not surrender a single category, which makes this team very, very difficult to beat and almost impossible to blow out - you need an equally balanced team and a huge serving of good luck. I got the good luck, but couldn't capitalize - my offense was just flat this week and I had to scrap just to break the weekend-long deadlock. There is so much to like about the Underalls that it's tough to know where to begin: beyond the obvious (Hanley and the aces), there are some really promising young outfielders, the Angel catcher platoon that I haven't heard anyone give proper praise to yet, and let's not forget about Edinson Volquez. After taking a look at the upcoming schedule, my prediction is that LU will soon return to the top spot in the standings.

This game was ugly, but it was a "good game" nonetheless. I believe LOWV teams show their true ability not when everything is clicking, but when things are going wrong. LU and LM faced potentially disastrous weeks with prime categories and players failing us, but each of us managed to battle and grab cats here and there - I just ended up holding more in the end. I offer Mama Jams a tip of the cap; but I fear that my brash trash talk and victorious outcome this week may have fueled a future comeuppance of terrifying proportions.

NEXT WEEK

Two teams loom atop the LOWV standings. Two teams share the lead with 5 head-to-head wins. All that changes after this week - FC and LM will battle to the death!!

(Yeah, you'd better cringe, hideous spawn of Bowa!! Watch out before your muscles tear and tendons pop, from the sheer stress of facing the mighty Manicotti!)

Had we met last week, FC would have come away with a 13-9 victory, led by Jimmy Shields and his CG SO. While we pride ourselves on offense here at LM, there can be no doubt that FC has the premier hitting unit in the league right now. As odd a role as this is for us to play, we can only win this game by dominating on the mound, especially since we aren't facing Johan in a two-start week for once. Is the patchwork, minimum-wage LM staff up to the challenge? Suffice it to say that would-be ace Justin Verlander can make up for six weeks of floundering with a big game against KC tomorrow.

I'm not sure what else to say here. FC has kept a low profile this season, not opening himself up to much in the way of broadsides. His team looks stout and there isn't really anything to criticize there, except his embarrassingly obvious lust for young Caucasian studs, especially Diamondbacks. Suffice it to say, we will seek to obliterate him nonetheless, and as always, I stand ready to pounce on any erroneous statement or foolhardy transgression. I sleep with one eye open, motherfuckers!

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The players currently designated "Keys to Victory", based on appearing most often among the rosters of the Top 500 Public League teams on Yahoo: Beence Beekman (PMF), Hanley Ramirez (LU), Edinson Volquez (LU), Chipper Jones (LM), and Rafael Furcal (LM).

ERdR keeps on rolling, powered by his great pitching staff and FA-of-the-year contender Carlos Quentin. Since it seems that every year a team rises out of Frisco to confound naysayers and doubters, El Guapo must be looking forward to having the city to himself next year...

Seven home runs from Joey Votto and Dan Uggla carried Flash to a rousing victory over unB. The pitching numbers in this matchup were so hideous, they made Lacey's Week 6 pitching stats look divine. Regardless, Stokes Esq. has ascended into playoff position. Just as he was roundly counted out, Flash has built a nice comeback on slugging and saves. I'd say "just wait until he faces a more balanced team," but he beat LU earlier in this season, so there goes that assertion. At this point, The Flash is a name nobody wants to see on their matchup page.

DLBP vs. Snatty: No smoke, no mirrors, just a methodical and textbook-worthy dismantling of a lesser opponent. DLBP is the caballo negro for the title this year, mark mis palabras.

Last week's dullest game pitted tBB against VR in a 10-9 snoozer. This game was held at Lowered Expectations Stadium. A few things jump off the stat sheet: VR's infield is finally living up to its rep, though with a little help from Clint Barmes, in for Tulo. Meanwhile, the Belt's Ubaldo manhandled the Pads with 11 Ks.

As Fukudome goes, so goes the Mothership. Both have been in a protracted slump. Moship's loss to FC wasn't as ugly as the score indicated, but this team must locate some power to get back into playoff contention. The Mothership's slide in the standings might bode well for the Shortpants show, since Mike never really seemed comfortable as an alpha dog and defender of the status quo. From the lottery he can more effectively speak for the little guy. However, his draft picks will soon be looking to change that; he just needs to find the offensive support to counterbalance the boost he'll receive from Kershaw and Adenhart.

If I were PMF, I'd be worried. Last year he missed the playoffs on a heartbreaking final day of the regular season. This year, there are six teams that have established themselves as clear contenders, and PMF is again on the outside looking in - 7.5 games out of 6th place already. Nobody wants to be the king of the also-rans, and it looks like Bobby Walls may be fitted for the crown unless PMF can get off the schneid in 2008. The pitching staff, always the key for this team, looked terrible last week. On the plus side, his offense showed some serious dynamism against Guapo last week, mixing twelve-steal speed with overall hitting prowess. Can his pitching staff overcome their oft-injured ways to carry the Pmmf to the promised pmmffft?

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

"I know you're no fan of VR holding onto Colon...But as you know, VR is in a pretty shitty situation, and the prospect of a quality pitcher soon joining the team is more attractive to me right now than two weeks of FA spot starts...I keep reading that he's close, he's close, he's close... and keep waiting. So all the time I'm thinking I can wait it out, and at this point, I almost feel obligated to hold onto him because I've done so for so long. And I have a feeling my patience will pay off...Also, I suspect there'd be other GMs bidding on Colon when he gets the call, and I'd rather keep him at $3."

This segment is brought to you by the charitable arm of LM, the Tommy Fund, dedicated to helping GMs who have passed through the realm of sanity into the wilderness of serious delusion. I received this email in my mailbag after last week's column and had to shake my head at the flaws in logic exhibited here by Vicious Rumors.

1. First principles - only use a non-DL roster spot on a player you believe can be a true difference maker, either short-term or long-term. For instance, FC grabbed Roger Clemens a few years in a row and this paid off with ace-level performances down the stretch. If Barry Bonds returns as an AL DH, this could provide serious slugging for El Guapo. unB stashed Evan Longoria for the better part of two seasons and is about to reap the rewards. Conversely, Bartolo Colon is not expected by anybody to return to his Cy Young form, and at best will provide some valuable mid-season starts for the Red Sox and spell their young SPs. He is not good enough to merit playing with 24 guys until his return.

2. True, VR is in a shitty situation, but that's no reason to hold onto Colon. If the team's response to adversity is "hold 'em close boys, I'll think of something," then spot starters who can help right the ship are a much better solution than a tubby hurler in his mid-30s mired in AAA. If the response is "Pack it in and play for 2009," better to claim some of the promising age-appropriate AAA players currently available in free agency. It's too early for VR to run up the white flag, I believe, so why not grab guys who can actually help you right now, while you're facing LU and FC in consecutive weeks, instead of waiting for a "savior" who is really only a slight upgrade over Julian Tavarez. Andy Sonnanstine was a step in the right direction here.

3. "I almost feel obligated to hold on to him because I've done so for so long." Speak not these accursed words! While nobody likes to admit a mistake and end up with egg on their face, this is not a valid reason to sustain a dumb roster move. Don't be afraid to cut ties, especially when all you gave up to get him was $3 at the auction.

4. If you want a chubby veteran Red Sox pitcher whose rehab proceeds slowly under a cloud of vagueries, why don't you just get Curt Schilling? At least you can put him on the DL...

5. Drop him. Believe me, nobody will bid on him. Except maybe ERdR, and that just to cause trouble. Pay no mind to that rapscallion. If you want to grab him again when he is actually set to pitch in the majors, fair enough. But wasting a roster spot on this load while he's on a non-DL rehab is an insult to the good name of VR.

Some people will see this segment as wrongheaded charity, helping a team that should be allowed to do this to himself without external check. Others will see it as a wicked plot to get Colon for myself. In fact, it is neither. When I complete my 2008 reign of terror and crush you all under my Italian jackboot, I want it to be despite your best efforts and finest managerial decisions, not because you blundered away a chance at the title with your collective boobery...

DANK FARM NUGS

Two top LM prospects were mentioned in the media in an extremely favorable light this past week...no surprises there.

ESPN fantasy nerd Jason Gray wrote in a chat that "In dynasty formats, I always want the most upside possible...so Kershaw and Porcello. If you want to limit to big leaguers.... Buchholz and Hamels." I like that context, homes, I do indeed.

Jason Heyward led his Rome Braves to Savannah, and the local beat reporter had dick in hand as he wrote this paean: "They'll remember they saw Jason Heyward back when.That's what 2,324 fans at Grayson Stadium on Saturday will be able to say honestly in a few years, most likely when they're watching an Atlanta Braves game. The 18-year-old Heyward, Atlanta's top pick in the amateur draft last year, displayed his considerable talents, smacking two home runs and driving in four runs to lead Rome to a 7-2 victory over the Savannah Sand Gnats. 'I'm having fun. This is a fun job to have,' said Heyward, following a 3-for-5 night that raised his batting average to .326. He was the offensive fireworks before Saturday night's fireworks in the sky."

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Me, the manager, that's who!! In an attempt to emulate DLBP's victorious Week 3 strategy over yours truly, I sat my entire bullpen on Sunday afternoon...only to see Marmol get a vulture win that would have handed that category to me. (On the other hand, this decision spared me the agony of having Nathan's weak Sunday night outing count for more than keeping Morneau out of the batter's box.) Leaving Howard and his usual dose of K's on the bench on Sunday seemed like a good call, too, until he smacked an RBI triple. But honestly, who the hell would have seen that coming?

This week's genius: This was truly a team effort, but some shout outs are required: Maine and Lee for their great starts. Okajima with FOUR freakin' holds!! Crawford and Victorino for a combined 7 steals. Next week, I challenge one of you - or anyone else for that matter - to kick the hell out of FC and earn this honor for your sole enjoyment!

ENDQUOTE

"Consider yourself on notice, Equipe - BI's rolling on the win train now!!"

Thus Bonomatory. Final score: Equipe 13, BI 7.

Mama Jams Speaks, Slobbers A LittleToo

2008-05-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

Fine, I'll take the bait. But just because you can get me on the line doesn't mean you can reel me in. I can't help but take personally an affront such as the one laid out in Tommy's Thoughts #5. It reflects a disturbing trend of league-wide antagonism that grows with each passing week, and I call shenanigans on all of it. Below, I present my response to Tommy's Thoughts #5, and follow it up with a plea for civility. I've tried to cut straight to the chase since I've learned the hard way that reading another GM's long-winded diatribe is about as interesting as putting air in your car tires, but of course I have failed. Join me at your leisure.

Why do I whine when a GM misses his minimum IP and mails in a landslide loss to a strong competitor who I hope to beat for a top two spot in the LOWV this year? Because little things add up over a season, and details do indeed matter. Sure it's a long season, but getting a bye in the first round of the 'yoffs is incredibly valuable. We all know how hot or cold streaks impact any given match-up in the H2H format, so don't pile on me for aiming for the bye. And what if I DID end up losing out on the 'yoffs because of tBB's lapse? I'm familiar with the arithmetic of the stochastic, and in the future I'll keep my grief to myself, but that stuff matters in the end.

Next, why does Beatonian love to misquote me? I really don't mind if you take my words to fashion an argument against me. But putting parentheses around someone else's paraphrasing does not constitute a quote. A hazy recollection of a conversation of a year ago is also not a quote, and analyzing it as such, especially when you were on the same side of the argument as I was, is beat. Judas! I know, I know, it's probably no fun to find out or try to remember what I really said, or even simply to ask me about something at all before passing off hearsay as my word, but I'd appreciate it if you at least tried.

And to elaborate, going back to 2004 when I actually started to understand fantasy baseball:

Melvin Mora
Kyle Farnsworth
Justin Morneau
Eric Byrnes
Nate McLouth (I hope)

I'm sorry if I get psyched about some good moves I made over the past few seasons (I swear! Look up the numbers!), but you must live in submarine if you think I'm the only one who does, and I don't think claiming one good move a year qualifies anyone as pompous. And of course I can name many more bad moves I made than good ones, but as you all know me to be, I'd rather get psyched and blow a little hot air over the good than wallow in the bad. But pompous? No, writing a weekly blog post about the genius management of your fantasy baseball team is pompous. I believe the accepted term for my enthusiasm for myself is "braggadocious." And furthermore, labeling me the most pompous GM in the LOWV is like calling LeBron the best black athlete in the NBA. Maybe I got it this year, but the competition is pretty stiff. See?! Another achievement I can be proud of!! You all stink!!

And can we just set the record straight and stop trying to perpetuate the myth that my squad benefits from the holdover of the initial roster valuation more than any of the other pre-keeper era GM's? I have ONE player on my roster from 2006 that actually gives me any kind of advantage, which is just about the average for the league, El Guapo and The Mothership notwithstanding. Every other LU player has been added via trade, auction or the FA pool, just like everyone else's roster. Hanley does happen to be one of the best fantasy players out there, and I've only ever taken partial credit at best for that contract, but unless you count Justin Morneau's $13 contract as a serious advantage (which I don't), Peavy is no steal at $23 and Eric Byrnes' is a fair $3, which, by the way, would be the cost of his contract for whichever GM took him off the FA heap had I dropped him. And those are the ONLY players on my roster that date back to the contracts of my end-of-year 2006 roster. If anyone out there in LOWV GM-land chooses to believe that I've had a good run over the past two years simply because of those four contracts, I don't agree, but if that's your claim then fair enough. And in an effort to reduce my own pomposity, I'll just leave it at that.

I think this has been said enough on Shortpants to be established and accepted as our common understanding, but I'll reiterate here to underscore the point. There are myriad means to enjoy fantasy baseball, too numerous and oft cited to repeat. Personally, I enjoy running my team as if it were a business, and I like a moderately complex framework of rules within which to run it. To navigate those rules with any kind of success gives me pleasure. Yes, I'm a huge, huge nerd. And I'm clearly not alone in that, either. This interest in detail has been the quality that sets this league apart from all other leagues I have been in, and I would not enjoy the LOWV nearly as much if it weren't there. Does that mean that I don't enjoy the friendship aspect of the LOWV? Not even close, and I bristle at the notion. I log on every day to follow the rivalries, the bulletin board, the smack talk, the auction, Shortpants, and the blog posts. I just also like crunching the numbers, too. Like I said, nerd alert, but it's who I am and what I enjoy.

James, I know this issue dates back to a conversation last summer in the wee hours of the morning on Sahl's dock in Norfolk. We were discussing the new rules of the LOWV, the increasing complexity of said rules, and the potential for them to become more complex in the future. For the record, I did not say that I would quit the LOWV if it became more about friendship than competition. If that's the prevailing interpretation of my lobbying for greater complexity in league rules, I apologize for the misunderstanding. I certainly am interested in maximizing my enjoyment of the league, and, as such, in increasing complexity of rules, but I certainly don't begrudge anyone their difference of opinion. If I am of one extreme, then, based on conversations we've had, James is of the other. Neither position invalidates the other, and heretofore they have coexisted peacefully and prosperously, or at least so I thought. If any misgivings persist as the legacy of that conversation, let's nip this flower mid-blossom if it's too late for the bud. I'm just happy to be a part of this collection of handsome genius.

Let this uninteresting, long-winded diatribe of one LOWV GM be a paean to the brotherhood and camaraderie of the LOWV, and let's cast aside our differences of opinion. We can choose to drive a wedge into this lofty butte of baseball-loving, yuck-stirring savants, or we can choose to keep this gorgeous mass of wise-cracking, brain-tingling, mostly-useless talent as beautiful as it was when it was handed to us from the Gods of male bonding on high. I confess I have sinned against this great congregation of men from time to time, but I humbly repent, and I resolve to sin no longer and beseech my peers to do the same. Now let's play (with our) ball(s)!!

Taste My Puddin',
Mama Jams
GM, The Lacey Underalls

Tommy's Thoughts #5

2008-05-08T05:45:00.000-07:00

Did I say Wednesday? Naah, I meant Thursday. Silence, critics! You'll take what I give you and like it, whenever I get around to it!

So, the column is late this week because I spent the past few days at a solid waste conference, where I was feted for my genius and invited to speak a few words. With an Albany stripper on each arm and a few globs of horseradish mayo on my lower lip, I shared with the beefy garbagemasters my insights into life, love and the LOWV.

It was a tough call to take so much time away from LM - I was mostly away from the internet for the end of my matchup with tBB and the beginning of my matchup with Lacey. When they asked me to attend last year, I balked - I had to face the defending champ and felt I needed to keep all my attention on the team. But one thick-necked gentleman assured me that I had nothing to worry about.

"We got connections in Jersey," he said. "Trust me, this Kentz will be no problem to you. We'll grease a few palms here, threaten a few moms there, next thing you know, guaranteed win. That mulignan Sabathia would sell his firstborn up the river for a night with our finest hookers!"

What can I say? Two straight years of these made men scaring tBB's pitchers half to death, two straight years of minimum IP failures for the Belt. I will definitely be attending this conference again next year!

LAST WEEK

If not for BB's failure to meet the IP minimum, we still would have triumphed 11-7. Offensive totals were pretty much a draw - 6-5 LM - symbolized by the battle royale between shortstops: Jose Reyes sparkled (4 R, 8 H, 1 2B, 3 3B !!!!, 4 SB, .444, 1.393) but plucky Rafael Furcal managed to mitigate the damage (11 R, 11 H, 2 2B, 1 HR, .393, 1.023). After I properly debunked the myths inherent in Schmentz's demands for Edwin-revenge in last week's Thoughts, Encarnacion cooled off and the continually amazing Chipper was clearly the better 3B in the contest.

Pitching-wise, I dominated even before the IP blunder handed me all the cats, leading 5-2. CC Saba's failure to launch helped offset the mediocre performances of some of my starters. Thanks, NY Federation!

One last thing: My big mouth really got me in trouble with regard to Aquilino Lopez. I plucked this potential holdsman from the wreckage of the Detroit bullpen and he was genius for me for a few weeks. I held my tongue for a while, knowing that his run could end at any time. But last Friday, while out on a drunken bender with Major James Beans, I blurted out that I had found the one jewel in the Comerica dung heap. Later that night, Aquilino surrendered 4 ER in one third of an inning.

I send my regards to the master of BB, currently touring the land of plenty: eastern Spain...

THIS WEEK

Speaking of Major Beans, he can certify that I predicted the unnecessary whining of Mama Jams after tBB failed to make the innings minimum, just a few minutes before it happened. Only the league's most pompous GM would take a blunder that did not affect his team at all as a personal slight. When tBB did the same thing against FC a few years ago, I thought it was hilarious. Basically, unless I finish 6th this season and Lacey finishes 7th, by the margin granted me by Ricky's mistake, last week's outcome won't set LU back in any way, shape or form. As he looks to be cruising to another regular season title - I'm man enough to admit that his team rules - he still is griping about things that are none of his concern.

It's ironic, because team owner N. Lombardicus is truly a Hall of Fame-caliber individual, the finest party-weekend-expense-spreadsheeter on Earth, and a pal I would immediately rally to in a time of need, such as when he forms a posse to throw assholes out of his house for playing his drum kit. But when it comes to fantasy baseball, he has a unique talent at inspiring annoyance in the LM offices. Now, in seeking to be objective, I considered the fact that perhaps I'm just bitter at getting beat by him three times last year, including a brutal 1-hit beat in the playoffs. Perhaps I am just mad that his team is apparently better than mine. And let's not even talk about the ongoing Rich Hill debacle. Perhaps his truth-telling is just too much for me to take. Am I being unfair to Lacey?

To answer this question, I polled a number of league GMs on the following query: Is LU a genius in our midst, or an insufferable jerk? The GMs I talked to included founding members of the league and relative newcomers; title contenders and basement dwellers; friends of Mama and those who barely know her.

Their response was overwhelmingly harsh.

The most charitable comment came from one GM who said, "Let's just say I'm glad it's BB with the dynasty. The choice between an inscrutable genius and a pompous one is a no-brainer." This pretty much skewers the "jealousy" argument, since tBB has a much more positive image leaguewide, despite winning title after title.

I hear through the grapevine that some bitterness remains in some quarters over comments Lacey made last summer, to the effect that if the league became more about friendship than competition, he would quit. Seems like a weird statement to make, since the LOWV has always been based on bonds of mutual affection between owners, and not simply an assemblage of the most hard core fantasy gurus.

One GM put it simply, dubbing Lacey "Clemens of the league," no doubt alluding to his penchant for teen tail and core strengthening. A more voluble GM commented, "Mama Jams is the Idi Amin of the LOWV: Black, sanctimonious, and reviled by the league's Jews. Also has a taste for polygamy and cannibalizing his foes on the diamond. Will execute you on the airwaves and scatter your dismembered corpse in the Nile if you fail to meet minimum IP. All this with a smile on his cherubic face. Uganda salutes you, Mama Jams."

But the most withering response came from a GM whose angry blast took up SIX text messages on my (admittedly crappy) cell phone. "I think he is full of it," he began. "Dude has won the money twice but never the title. I believe the French have a term for that, boeuf. Also, he is impossible to deal with as you have to factor his 'staggering genius' into the value of each of his players and discount all of your players by your own 'baffling mediocrity' and 'obscene luck.' As he once told me straight-faced, 'Every season I make a couple of unquestionably genius moves. Nate McLouth is one of them. That's what separates Lacey from the pack.' Yeah, that or the rules that established the keeper system and valuation system favored your existing roster."

That quote from Lacey is exceptionally damning. I think the verdict is clear. Mama Jams is the most despised GM in the entire league.

Prediction: I am going down, big time - LU has consistently beaten LM recently, and the Penny/Maine and CLee/Wang pitching matchups really screwed me this week. Why would I turn this section into an unvarnished ad hominem attack if I thought I could win this showdown on the merits?

INCISIVE OBSERVATIONS

The biggest surprises in the league right now are Flash and Equipe. Given their lowly ranks in preseason evaluations and their slow starts, many chalked these guys up as cellar dwellers. Not so. Flash scraped and clawed his way past FC last week, winning many categories by just a smidge. It was a really gutsy effort. Equipe's pitching was frickin' outstanding last week, and as he says, "I ALWAYS win holds." Pride goeth before a fall, my nigga!

I'd rather eat glass than inherit VR's bad luck. It's cruel to even discuss this further. What a debacle. WHY is he still holding onto Bartolo Colon?!!?!?

Although you'd think the Mothership/LU matchup would have brought out a better effort from the rivals, given that these are two good teams whose leaders are living under the same roof and all. Instead, pretty mediocre numbers reigned, with the exception of Lacey's TWELVE swipes!

Whoa there Snatty, bam a lam. Santana looks sharp, bam a lam. Lannan smells like farts, bam a lam. Take a look at OC, bam a lam, worst IF in the league, bam a lam. Ho now Snatty, bam a laaaaammmmm! (apologies to FC, I just wanted to keep this joke going.)

D'Lucious stumbled badly last week, with stalwarts like Manny and Rios playing like crap. Don't get used to it, America. Guapo's numbers were kind of weak, but he walked away with a win. Gotta take 'em where you can get 'em!

unB's pitching line last week: 1-4, 44K, 0 Sv, 3 HLD, 6 HR, 6.26 ERA, 1.59 WHIP, 2.10 K/BB. Uh oh, did I just poo myself? Oh, no, that's just the smell of those stats. Bonomatory won some of these categories by staggering margins, and proved to the myriad doubters that his team isn't just Nick Punto and pray for rain...

OVERHEARD AROUND THE LEAGUE

Plainview recently posted an article to the bulletin board about the Dodgers' new autograph policy, implying that I had something to do with this move to cut out the little guy. Trust me, Dan, this is none of my doing. I saw the handwriting on the wall when the McCourts bought the team and since then my work with the Dodge has mostly been in a symbolic capacity. First off, that dumb mick made his WIFE the team president. Are you freaking kidding me? Buzzie Bavasi, she's not.

I figure the team on the field is fine with Torre at the helm, and as for the management, it's a lost cause. That's why I took the job with LM, to distract me from that abomination.

RECOMMENDED READING

If you want to become as knowledgeable about the art of war as Tommy, you can start by reading Shelby Foote's The Civil War: A Narrative. Executive summary of the first two volumes: Capturing Fort Sumter was a blunder, anybody who crossed Lincoln lived to regret it (like the guy who tried to screw him over and got literally sent to Siberia as ambassador to Russia), Lee had gigantic balls, McClellan had little tiny balls, U.S. Grant was a drunken master, Jeff'n Davis was a magnificent shit talker, Stonewall was a hardass and a badass, Longstreet was an excellent Robin but a shitty Batman, the US Navy is a really under-appreciated player, Sherman gets bonus points for being a prescient ginger but serious minus points for burning the fine city of Jackson, MS three different times! Not cool, Redstick, not cool.

Once it gets going, every 50 pages or so there is another gigantic battle with thousands of casualties and kickass generalship on one side or another. It's 3,000 pages and over a million words, but this book is the shit.

SHORTPANTS - MY TAKE

Here's a suggestion for all of you, especially those who can't find the time to keep up with Shortpants. Got an iPod? Got a morning commute? Combine your powers to brighten one morning a week with the Shortpants Radio Show. Ever since I discovered this optimal listening occasion, neither rainstorms nor horrible traffic can ruin the one day a week I can hear Mike and friends discuss LOWV in all its permutations. Magnificent!

In this week's show, Rob Walls claims you cannot find starting pitching in the free agent pool. Bobby, I'd like you to meet my friends: Justin Verlander, Chien-Ming Wang, John Maine, Cliff Lee, and Dustin McGowan.

Sahl suggests during the show that Rusty Hardin didn't advise Clemens against the defamation lawsuit because he wanted to bilk him for as much money as possible. Isn't it conceivable that Clemens just doesn't listen to advice? Hardin is no ambulance-chaser so you've got to think he told Roger this was a bad idea. Clemens was just too pigheaded to listen. I think Rusty has grounds for a defamation suit against Sahl.

Is there anything better than the patented Mike Jones Sigh of Disbelief and Disgust (TM)? I say no. This week, his sighs were joined by genuinely hurt feelings after Daniel Plainview made reference to Mothership's "lengthy belt" in the latest power rankings. I'm pretty sure the boys were spot-on in their interpretation of the fat comment, but what I found most striking about this line they didn't discuss. Shouldn't he have said notches on his GUN? The latter alludes to dueling prowess, the former to bedroom prowess. I'm pretty sure the goal here is to kill each other, not boof each other......right????

I'm quite certain if Mike and Rob were given a nationally-syndicated show tomorrow, with Sahl as producer and regular guest appearances from Schmentz, this would immediately become the best thing on radio.

LM PENIS / GENIUS

This week's penis: Rich Hill, demoted to the minors after struggling mightily with his control from spring training on, and being personally responsible for 5 or 6 Lou Piniella hemorrhoids...my only hope is that he can straighten himself out and become 2009's Ervin Santana or Cliff Lee. Lord knows I can't drop him.

This week's genius: Since I can only choose Chase Utley so many times, let's give a shoutout to my main man Carlos Marmol. Season stats - 28 Ks in 21 innings, 2 saves, 8 holds, 1.29, 0.67, 5.60. Do you feeeeeel like I do??

DANK FARM NUGS

I've got an awesome AAA pitcher capable of whiffing 200 guys a year! Only problem is, he's taking up a spot on my 25 man roster. Thanks for nothing, Dick.

ENDQUOTE

"Here comes the Flash! .... Who is the Flash?" Michael Jones

WEEK 5 ROTO-RANKINGS

2008-05-05T20:05:00.000-07:00

THE TITS
1.) THE LACEY UNDERALLS (1st Place/ 5th SOS/138H/134P = 296)
The LOWV school bully keeps stealing people’s lunch money week in and week out. This week, he managed to do it to poor little Mikey in some rather unconventional ways – can you say two wins from Papelbon and Six steals from Kemp? However, the truth is there is little to find fault with here other than a slight over reliance on some fast starts and a jettisoning of veteran talent. We’re not saying that LU GM Nicholas Lombardi inadvertently slipped into his bad idea jeans the morning he dropped Giambino and Sheffield; we’re just not quite as certain as that cocky bastard that they’ll finish the season worse than Jacobs, Keppinger, McLouth or Kemp. Also, while the bullpen remains perhaps the strongest in the league, the pitching staff appears to have stumbled a bit last week. )Will the real Micah Owings please stand up?) But hey, when you are riding a hot hand like Mr. Lombardi, you let it ride. Am I right?

UNBUTTONING THE BLOUSE
2.) LASORDA'S MANICOTTI (2nd Place/14th SOS/131H/132P = 277)
Don’t look now…seriously, don’t. It will pain you. LM’s offense is starting to really click and that scares the metrosexual out of us, as that likely foretells massive, debilitating ass-poundings for his future opponents. Two words: Ryan Howard. What’s that you ask? Oh, just the only regular LM starter who didn’t hit over .300 this past week. Now, his pitching was less than stellar this week than typical for Tommy’s Boys, but hey, thanks to Los Español Aventuras di Ricardo…buenos noches mes amigos!

3.) EQUIPE ROI DU RADEAU (4th Place/5th SOS/103H/134P = 258)
The slow, steady rise continues for this plucky club of god-fearin’ misfits. This week we noted that Equipe returned to the time-honored strategy of employing six bullpen pitchers, allowing it to drive its ERA and WHIP down to ungodly levels. While we still aren’t completely sold on this vanilla ice cream loving prayer circle jerk, it's clear PMF simply couldn’t handle Equipe's trademark EBRBIAH approach to offense. (Everything But RBIs and Homers) The young and talented outfield just keeps on producing in just about every category, so much so that veteran Equiper Fonzy Soriano rode the bench for much of the week. Rumor has it, the Fonz has jumped the shark as far as Equipe is concerned and is being actively shopped by the team's GM. As for the "break out" by Carlos Quinten, like Guillen, it looks Equipe is going to let it ride until the wheels come off.

4.) FECAL CLATTER (3rd Place/13th SOS/155H/83P = 252)
We know, we know – FC shat the bed against The Flash. But, good god, a “down” week out of FC’s offense would still have beaten more than half the league. This begs the question, where did this offensive juggernaut come from and what did it do with the bracchiophillic GM Christopher David Sahl? One thing is for sure, his undying love for all things young and Arizonian looks like its no longer unrequited. The C&C Music Factory of Jackson and Young just keep on banging out the hits. On the flip side, what the hell happened to the pitching? The worst part for CDS is that the problems are not entirely talent related (although that is a legitimate concern) rather, the majority of the recent damage has been self-inflicted, bone-headed self-flagellation. We hope CDS hasn’t gotten so dong-crazy watching Hart and Young, that he’s forgotten the beauty of a well-pitched week.

CABALLO NEGRO
5.) THE MOTHERSHIP (7th Place/12th SOS/124H/92P = 227)
Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. This week, Mike was gently braised in a balsamic reduction before being paired with organic, pesticide free fiddlehead ferns, a turnip and fingerling mash and a rich, full-bodied bottle of 2004 Bodegas El Nido. I hope LU raised a glass to the middle infield, because it was (uncharacteristically) the Ship's toothpick-wielders who let him down this week. Of course, it also didn’t help that the music (finally) stopped in his pitching rotation's game of musical chairs…leaving Andy Petite, Armando Galarraga, Jeff Francis, Gavin Floyd and Manny Acosta standing around awkwardly holding mediocre results. Still, we’d love to Fukudome anytime, anywhere and we would totally take Kelly Johnson to prom. On a serious tip, we only kid cause we love, Mikey Boy. We know you're built Tonka tough.

PEEPING TOMS
6.) THE FLASH (6th Place/1st SOS/109H/84P = 216)
We know that felt good. After weeks and weeks slogging it out against the toughest schedule in the league, the Flash has a signature victory…and a decisive one at that. In general, The Flash just outproduced FC at every level offensively and managed to eek out some razor thin margins. We tip our cap to a well-managed week and would like to propose a toast to a ridiculously awesome bullpen week. Huzzah! Hell, that almost makes up for the taste left in our mouths after watching Lowe throw over 50 pitches without recording an out in the first on Sunday…almost.

7.) D'LUCIOUS BITCH PIES (5th Place/7th SOS/91H/101P = 210)
O Manny, Manny, where for art thou, Manny? Certainly not putting up solid numbers for DLBP. For the first week in recent memory, we saw the limits of bikram yoga and The Secret, and Manny looked disappointingly human. All in all, it was just a tough loss last week to the “Bengie Molina’s Wreckin Shop.” On the bright side, we saw the successful return of Cuddyer to the lineup who promptly put up five RBIs. Really, the offense was actually quite decent, with solid production out of most of the key players; the real let down for DLBP was a pitching staff who failed to record a win. Ouch. For the most part this unfortunate turn was the fault of the (totally absent) supporting offenses and strange, mindnumbing decisions by umpires. To clarify, we are referring specifically to Timmy Lincecum’s “loss” which was caused exclusively by a strange and inexplicable balk call in a 3-2 loss to the Rockies.

8.) POOR MAN'S FART (8th Place/2nd SOS/92H/97P = 209)
Perhaps nothing symbolizes PMF’s struggles so well as Roy Halladay. For the third week in a row, Halladay notched up a CG. However, this was somewhat unusual in one respect: he won. That’s right, this early in the season PMF has already suffered two CG Halladay losses. However, in the end a great pitching week fueled by incredible K-totals and great peripherals just couldn’t quite edge out the numbers put up by a stellar ERdR. On the offensive end, great weeks by Berkman, Pence and Loney fueled a spirited charge that put up top notch power numbers, but fell just short in the on-base peripherals. In the end, PMF has suffered through a brutal schedule and finished just three games under .500. If the offense continues to turn it around (and PMF finds a second basemen he actually likes for more than a day or two) then we expect a surge in the standings as PMF feasts on some weaker competition.

VASOLINE DREAMS
9.) SNATURALS (9th Place/10th SOS/110H/71P = 192)
It defies explanation. Snatty has Hernandez and Inge catching, yet still manages to get a spirited .313 BA and .826 OPS out of his lineup. It’s certainly a head-scratcher trying to figure out where his lineup found 70 hits, but we think the answer lies in the resurgence of David Ortiz. Having Derek Jeter put up 12 hits in a week ain’t so bad either. But, really, against any team other than VR, Snatty would not have fared so well. I mean, who wins the pitching battle with a 3-4 record, 4.14 ERA and only 1 save? This team needs to make a move for starting pitching yesterday.

10.) EL GUAPO (11th Place/11th SOS/77H/95P = 180)
For the second week, the Guapster had to do without ARod, yet somehow he managed to eek out a win. Kudos. He can thank two 11-hit performances out of Rowand and Hermida and the return of the Custino. We definitely feel silly suggesting that Guap cut the Custino after watching him blast moon shot after moon shot last week en route to a 2.076 OPS…unfortunately they were all solo shots. El Guapo’s pitching staff continued its impressive run with Gorzelanny, Haren, Sheets and Meche having impressive outings. Incredibly, Lidge, Percival and Todd Bleepin Jones all recorded saves in the same week. When was the last time that happened? 1998?

11.) THE BANANA BELT (10th Place/3rd SOS/81H/75P = 173)
Deep within the bowels of the League of Women Voters’ Society for Preservation of Humiliation, located in the staid and sober town of Rockport, MA, there resides an encyclopedic Annals of Most Reprehensible Gaffes and Errors to ever occur in the history of this illustrious league. In volume XII, between the dog-eared pages raccounting El Guapo’s oft noted illiteracy and H-Cloud’s expulsion from the league, future historians will find thirty pages of incredulous and apoplectic text penned by Nicholas Lombardi detailing the Banana Belt’s failure to meet the minimum innings requirement in a key matchup against rival LM. It appears Mssr. Lombardi must take up his quill once again, as our defending champion shat the proverbial bed again while living la vida loca.

THE DUNGEON MASTERS
12.) BONOMATORY INFLUENCE (12th Place/7th SOS/74H/70P = 155)
In what was billed as the “Battle of the Titans”, BI emerged victorious over unBeleaguerable. And as much as it shocks us, this was not a hollow victory. Nay, sir. BI actually put up respectable numbers. First off, his boys blasted 10 homers and managed to only strikeout 26 times. That’s fairly incredible. Second, his pitching staff put together one of the best weeks of the season, notching five victories, one CG/SHO and posting a sub 3 ERA. Wowee zowee. We think Hudson, Bonderman and Looper and Kuruda all took umbrage to our comments last week. We tip our cap. To make our crow eating session worse, BI has called up Mad Max Scherzer (who, incidentally, has only walked two batters all year in AAA) and has scheduled him to pitch TWICE against our native team, ERdR. For future reference, let sleeping dogs lie.

13.) UNBELEAGUERABLE (14th Place/7th SOS/81H/57P = 147)
God hates fags. I think that was pretty much proven this week. Oh wait, I mean, god hates Chads. Anyways, I’ve rarely seen a team suffer through all the notable pitching meltdowns in a single week…until now. Cueto, Corpas and Bannister…oh my. Is that a plus 6 ERA for the week? To make matters worse, Phil Huges managed to break a rib while attempting to fellate himself and is now likely to miss as much as two months. To be fair, his offensive numbers aren’t bad (outside of those K-totals), they just aren’t good enough to bouy those atrocious pitching numbers.

14.) VICIOUS RUMORS (13th Place/3rd SOS/71H/58P = 143)
Open letter to Vlad “the impaler” Guerrero, please stop sucking VR dry. It’s painful to watch. You can’t be the highest paid player in the league and put up .167 and a goose egg in just about every offensive category. Sincerely, the rest of the LOWV. Of course, Vlad is just symptomatic of the chronic underperformance that has plagued VR this season. We don’t get it. How can such an enticing core of players, featuring Vlad, Youk and Markakis be so bad? Hopefully, this is just a slow start. A painful, bone crushingly slow start…reminiscent of the great Boston Molasses Disaster of 1919.

Shortpants XXIX -- Below the Belt?

2008-05-05T17:26:00.001-07:00

This week, Mike is joined by PMF and FC for an unprecedented Sunday evening Shortpants. With a lot of ground to cover, Mike discusses the fates and fortunes of every LOWV team, recent happenings in MLB and the introduction of thrilling new segment of the show: Significant and Notable Roster Adjustments.

Details covered in-depth include the ascendant BI, the retirement of Julio Franco, and Mike rendered speechless as the budding rivalry between ERdR and the Mothership continues to fester.

This episode is also the first fully illustrated Shortpants. Let us know what you think.

Episode XXIX